"One to be born from a dragon..." -- Let's Play Final Fantasy II

You're getting warmer. The solution is actually simpler than what you're probably expecting.

I feel rejuvenated. It's like I actually have something to give you guys to look forward to now!

And that's how Sky Render saved the LP.

Oh pooie.

I love you guys.

I know the answer! How do I know the answer? I learned it from a friend way back in 1992.

How did he know the answer? It's a true mystery!

This LP has returned....with a vengeance.

Love it! Can't wait to hear more about a game I thought I knew so much about. You've already gone waaaaaay past my knowledge base.

I've been waiting to hear it since I was wrong about grinding Rydia up to 10 in the desert not affecting anyone's XP aside from her (I now suspect it would level Kain)...

This thread will not die.

I ... don't there's much threat of that? But, you know, don't just bump. At least make a photoshoping or something.

Bumping just gets hopes up. It's a little cruel.

...It ...will ...not ....perish ...as ...long ...as ...there ...are ...photoshops ...in ...the ...hearts ...of ...Talking Time...... ...puff...

GRR.. ZRR...

GRRRAAAAM!!!!

Sure it will. But it'll show up two chapters later apparently unharmed.

It looks like this game was at least half right about earth formerly having two moons! I'm looking forward to the rest of this LP so we can see if FFII's moons collide and merge, just like in real life!

Can't tell if trolling or just stupid.

I kid.

Can't tell if trolling or just stupid.

+1

Dude, seriously? Not cool.

Chapter the Seventh: Beautiful Toroia


♪♪ Toroian Beauty ♪♪

The northwesterly corner of the continent is home to miles of lush, green forest and criss-crossed with crystal-clear rivers. At the heart of this bounty is Toroia, home of the Crystal of Earth.

Toroia is interesting for a few reasons. First, its unique location music is one of the best tracks in the game. Very tranquil, very serene, exactly the way you'd imagine life in a peaceful woodsy kingdom would be. Second, it's one of the few major locations in the game Golbez doesn't attack directly, a fact which could conceivably have far-reaching geopolitical consequences, if FF2 were that sort of game. Third, none of FF2's player characters come from Toroia. In fact, it's the first place we've been to so far without some restless native looking to finagle her way into Cecil's party. Which is a shame, because...


...Toroia is FF2's quintessential "reversed gender roles" city. Most RPGs of the era had one, but only a few did anything particularly noteworthy with the idea. Mostly they would just have a queen instead of a king and dancers where soldiers would otherwise be. And, of course, at least one comment like the one above, which apparently assumes the hero typically initiates conversations with ladies with, "Hey, toots! Nice gams!"


Fortunately for Cecil and the boys, Toroia is more the "what if there was a kingdom run by gogo dancers and fashion divas" style of Ladyland, as opposed to the "amazonian commune of man-hating bitches, gtfo you walking goddamned penis" style. The eight clerics, who run things in Toroia, are welcoming and forthcoming with their problems.


They're also quite heavy on the details. The reason Golbez hasn't yet stolen the Crystal of Earth is become it's already been plundered by some jackhole calling himself "the Dark Elf". He's carted it off to his hole and sealed it with a powerful magnetic field, laughing all the way. If we agree to rescue the crystal from the Dark Elf, they will let Cecil borrow it for a short time.

Cecil agrees to these terms fully aware that he's going to be giving the crystal to Golbez and the clerics will very likely never see it again.

Paladins are Lawful Good.


Elsewhere in Toroia, we finally catch up with Prince Edward, still very badly wounded from his ordeal with Leviatan. Which, yeah, sounds about right. Can we get a quick recap?


I like to imagine Tellah is senile and a little hard of hearing, missed the part where Edward is injured, and this is just his natural response upon seeing the Bard again.


"No, really. There were, like, hundreds of arrows. She was pretty much a pincushion. Blood everywhere. She died right there in our arms. This would have been, like, last week. Don't you remember? It was all sad and shit."

The reunion with Edward is pretty much a drag. Edward asks where Rosa and Rydia went, despite being right there when they were kidnapped/eaten. He doesn't even comment on Cecil's fabulous new duds. Once Cecil gets around to explaining this whole Dark Elf business, though, Edward thoughtfully gives him a TwinHarp, but doesn't explain what it's for.

I didn't get a cap of it, but keeping in line with FF2's "everyone MUST be introduced!" policy, Edward and Cid exchange a few words here. Edward laments that he's too sad of shape to join the team, and Cid replies that he and the Enterprise will be able to do his share of the work... a statement is so fucking laughable I can back up my disdain with mathematic proof:

x = +

Solve for x.


♪♪ Welcome to Our Town! ♪♪

The town of Toroia is a lovely, grassy place filled with carefree people and refreshing pools. Spared the regicide and airship attacks everyone else has had to endure, rusty armor is the biggest worry in their pretty, empty heads.


The first fun thing in town is the Black Chocobo Farm. These domesticated birds can't fly, but wild chocobos have been spotted in a forest off to the north.

No, that poor boy isn't trapped in the Void Between Worlds; there's a secret passage that curls around the screen so you can get into the chocobo pen. There's nothing to do in there, though.


There is, of course, a hidden area with some goodies. Goodies!

I'm sure, growing up, you all had friends or relatives who owned fun stuff your parents didn't, and you'd pack your visits there with as much of those activities as you possibly could. In addition to a Super Nintendo my cousin's family had an above-ground pool, so any time not spent playing Lemmings or FF2 was spent making whirlpools and seeing who could hold their breath the longest. The pool was located in a sort of awkward place across the yard (something about Florida law requiring a certain distance between pools and power lines), so my aunt kept a bucket of water in front of the ladder leading in. Her #2 rule of pool cleanliness was you had to step in the bucket and wash the dirt and grass off your feet before you were allowed in the pool.

What I'm getting at is, watching Cid step out of the clean water here and stomping around in the tall grass for a while, I to this day imagine my aunt scolding him for not stepping into a bucket before getting back in the pool.


Well, it looks like our next adventure takes place in a thick-ass magnetic field. Most of the NPCs in Toroia mention how fucktardedly useless our metallic weapons and armor are going to be, and the shops in town conveniently have a wide selection of non-metallic gear for sale.

Rubies aren't magnetic, so everyone in the team can benefit from wearing a RubyRing. We still have two from former party members, so we only need to purchase two from the shop. The rest of the stuff here is garbage, though, so we're done shopping.


...not that we have enough GP to buy the only other item of interest, anyway.

The Dancing Dagger, sold exclusively in the Mist weapon shop, is a neat weapon that has virtually no practical application. Sometimes I buy one for Palom, so he has something useful to do during the Baigan fight while the boss is Wall'd, but I didn't do that this time.

Cecil can equip it, though, and he's at the biggest disadvantage in Cave Magnes, so I'll get one and show it off. It's not made of metal, after all; it's made of dancing.


Our final stop is back in Baron, where Headbands and Karate Armor make decent temporary replacements for the heavy Silver gear Cecil and Cid are wearing. The Karate Armor gives a slight bonus to Attack, even, to help offset the weaker weapons our heroes will need.

Outfitting the team in Magnes-friendly gear is hella expensive, especially if you just spent thousands of GP decking everyone out at Silvera. I'm actually not as broke as I look; I just haven't been very diligent in selling off the stuff I'm not using. I have no problem affording what I need after pawning Cecil's old Paladin gear and some other junk.

There is a slight gameplay advantage to this practice. When you run from combat, there's a chance you'll drop some GP in the process. You can't drop your inventory, though, so you can use it as a sort of run-proof GP pool. Sell enough to buy what you need, and pack the rest away in a Fat Chocobo somewhere. You can get through the whole game like this, running from every encounter, if you really had a mind to.


♪♪ Samba de Chocobo! ♪♪

Cave Magnes sits on an island covered in mountains and forest. There's nowhere to land the Enterprise, so the next step is capturing a Black Chocobo.


One nine-second flight later, the Black Chocobo's role in the game is done. You know, the thing they put on the cover of the Nintendo Power issue this game was featured in? Which was supposed to be representative of the game's content as a whole? Yeah.


♪♪ Into the Darkness ♪♪

Magnetism is green, apparently. Yang's claws actually are made of metal, by the way. It's just, you know how gravity is pretty powerful, but electromagnetism totally overwhelms it at short distances? KARATE makes electromagnetism look like a bitch.

Since Yang and Tellah are largely unaffected by the magnetic field. You could, if you were so inclined, tough your way through the dungeon just by letting the two of them carry the group.


Cecil and Cid, on the other hand, have huge chunks taken out of them. Cid fares a little better, thanks to his Wooden Hammer. Still, it's not pretty.


Cid and Yang tend to take a lot of damage, so moving Cecil to the back line to take full advantage of his Auto-Cover might buy a crucial round if either of them get too hurt. Dancing Dagger aside, the only non-metal weapons Cecil is proficient in are bows and arrows, so putting him in the back makes sense anyway.


Cave Magnes is one of the creepier dungeons. You spend most of your time navigating lonely rock formations suspended over an unimaginably abyss, connected by these narrow wooden bridges. This isn't like the Mist Cave, where the roiling fog below provided a sense of confinement. And it's not like the Watery Pass, where rivers had worn the stone away to steep cliffs. And it's not like the Antlion's Nest, which was a stuffy den. No, Cave Magnes is just a gargantuan hole in the world.

Imagine walking across these narrow planks, some unseen force in the depths pulling at the metal in your pack. The cave wants you to fall.


♪♪ Fight 1 ♪♪

Fuck. The Dancing Dagger is metallic.

Anyone wearing metal in Cave Magnes is stricken with permanent, Uncurable Paralysis. If all four party members are so afflicted, you get a game over the instant the battle transition fades away. You can commit suicide this way if you want, by bringing Tellah and Yang into combat with Silver Rings, then using Cid and Cecil's turns to equip something metallic. Great fun at parties! Warning: May not be fun.


Well, okay, I'll have to show off the Dancing Dagger some other time. Looks like Cecil's fallin' back on arrows after all.

♪♪ Into the Darkness ♪♪

I'm a little surprised nobody has commented on how absurd and boring it is that I document every single individual treasure. I dunno, treasure-hunting is just one of my favorite aspects of the old, good RPGs.


♪♪ Fanfare ♪♪

At least I'm not painstakingly documenting my level-ups anymore, amirite? This is one of Cecil's notable ones; Exit is one of his more useful spells.


♪♪ Fight 1 ♪♪

This is largely what battles in this dungeon look like: Yang and Tellah wipe everything up. Cid's damage output is decent, but not remarkable, and Cecil is better put to work on healing duty.



♪♪ Into the Darkness ♪♪

The "inside" areas of Cave Magnes, rather than being spires of rock suspended over swaths of nothingness, are carved-out spaces littered with bones and giant pits. Also featured are small doors leading to treasure rooms. The doors aren't fused shut by magnetism, so I therefore conclude that they, too, are made of bone.


One comical side-effect of shoehorning traditional tile-based RPG movement into a game engine capable of more detailed graphics is, well, sometimes your dude is able to walk on spots that shouldn't be walkable. Take, for example, the corners of the hole in this room. Just eyeballing the structure, it looks like there is enough room for a man to walk around, yeah? But the 16x16 pixel blocks that actually build the structure include tiles that are half floor, half hole. This creates the odd situation where it doesn't look right to let the player walk on a tile, but it doesn't look right to disallow it either.

But don't worry! I have a perfectly sensible in-universe reason why Cid can just hover over a bottomless pit. Airship Shoes.


Another side-effect of the quirk I just mentioned: the diagnol tiles along the edges of these stone walls are all walkable, so technically this door here isn't connected to anything solid. You can actually enter it from the side.


There are two save points in Cave Magnes, possibly to help the player limp along on Tellah's paltry 90 MPs. It's much appreciated, of course.


Cure3s are kind of irritating. You can't buy them, so they never replace Cure2s as your go-to item for between-battle healing. During combat, magic is more reliable for both single- and multi-target healing. I mean, theoretically, Cure3s might be decent if there were, say, a PC who could take an item and split it amongst the group.

That's fucking stupid, though. And there's no such character in FF2. So let's just forget about it.


♪♪ Fight 1 ♪♪

CaveNagas must have a Holy weak point, because this is more damage thatn Cecil does to anything all dungeon long.

Interestingly, FF2 also has an "Arrow" element. Flying monsters all have it as a weak point, making bows particularly good weapons against them. I may have mentioned this before, I forget.


♪♪ Into the Darkness ♪♪

This rock formation is pretty cool, and I remember it being one of the more impressive bits of level design when I was little. It wasn't until I really examined this screenshot that I realized, from Cid's point of view, this would look like a pretty ominous tunnel.

♪♪ Fight 1 ♪♪

Fuck Cave Bats. Fuck them.

Vampire is not a very dangerous attack; it does, like, 15 damage and inflicts HP Leak. But holy sack-of-scrotums is it annoying. The animation takes forever, and it's the only thing these Cave Bats know how to do. What's worse, bats are a lot faster than metallically-encumbered heroes. This means, in this particular fight, you get to watch three Vampire animations before putting in any commands. Then, while waiting for your guys to attack, you get to watch three more.

Fuck Cave Bats. Fuck them sideways.

I can say something nice here, though: FF2 was the first RPG which really used battle animations to tell part of the story. In FF1 all your magic spells were just little blasts of randomly-shaped light, followed by the same palette-swapped crackle of energy as every other attack in the game. Dragon Warrior games didn't give you anything outside of a flash of color and a screen-shaking effect.

FF2 really ramped this up. Oftentimes you could tell what effect a spell had even if you'd never seen it before, because the graphics conveyed that information. You see the Vampire animation, and you know the bat is stealing your blood. Slow is a slow-moving clock; Fast is a fast-moving one. Wall puts a big glowing shield in front of your target. And the stronger the spell, the more impressive the animation! Fire1 is a short wave of fire; Fire2 is a leaping curl of flame; Fire3 is a loud explosion followed by the sizzling sound of raining ash.

This may not sound important. Graphics are just aesthetics, after all. But the inclusion of these types of animations made combat much more engaging, even though they don't affect the underlying mechanics at all. It really does deepen the experience.


♪♪ Into the Darkness ♪♪

Yang gets a new claw. This is actually a new class of claw; until now, all of Yang's weapons have served to add an elemental effect to his attack. Beginning now, his claws will start inflicting status ailments instead. These are not particularly useful, but the stacking bonus he enjoys from elemental claws applies to the status-inducing ones as well. He's the only character in the game who can, say, Poison and Charm a target in a single round.


This has to be the single most precarious hunk of rock in the entire FF2 universe, right here.


♪♪ Fight 1 ♪♪

Revisting our old "where do all the criticals go!?" controversy, this is the one of two critical hits I saw during my trek through Cave Magnes. The other belonged to Cecil. Remember, the rumor is that characters lose their ability to crit upon leaving the party. (Cecil has left the party before, but only as a DKnight. As a Paladin, he counts as an entirely new character.)

Whether that explains why Yang hasn't landed any, I don't know. It might just be coincidence. But it's another data point we have going for us.

And speaking of monsters in Cave Magnes: I didn't encounter a Mage on this trek, but if I had, I would have had a 1/255 chance of winning an item from them that teaches the Mage Call spell. Of course, our only Caller got eaten by a sea monster, so I have no idea why that would be at all useful.


♪♪ Fanfare ♪♪

It's incredibly rare to win more than one item from a fight, which must have been why I thought this win screen was worth documenting. It's really not that exciting though.


Final recharge in Cave Magnes. Good thing, too; Tellah is pretty much tapped.


Final treasure in Cave Magnes. This will go on the slowly-growing pile of Ether2s I probably won't reach for until well into the very last dungeon.


♪♪ Suspicion ♪♪

Final room in Cave Magnes.

I have to wonder why there is a Crystal Room so deep in this cave. Maybe this is the natural resting spot of the Crystal of Earth, and the clerics of Toroia spirited it away years ago? It makes sense, if you think of the crystal in terms of being the nucleus of a magical energy field that has bizarre effects on the surrounding earth.

Now that I think about it, the Crystal of Earth is credited by various NPCs as being the source of Toroia's lush greenery. None of the other crystals have that sort of effect. I suppose one could maybe argue the Crystal of Fire explains why Damcyan sits amidst a desert, but what about Fabul and Mysidia?


Man, screw it. I didn't come here to pontificate on the theoretical effects of magical crystals. I came here to stomp a Dark Elf's nuts. So let's do that.


♪♪ Fight 2 ♪♪

Heeey... wait a minute. The lolling tongue... the pointy little hat... long lanky arms reaching down to the floor...


FUKT.


♪♪ Run! ♪♪

Cecil, a sword ain't gonna improve you's grammar none.

Meanwhile, back in Toroia, Edward is still sleeping off his Leviatan-triggered PTSD or whatever -- even walking across his room to retrieve his harp is an epic ordeal. His doctors, naturally, stand back and watch him drag himself across the room, his every motion tearing at his stitches and causing his bandages to weep anew. They do this instead of, say, putting him back in bed and bringing his harp to him.


♪♪ Melody of Lute ♪♪

The sound of Edward's playing, echoing forth from the TwinHarp, disrupts the Dark Elf's ability to maintain the magnetic field.


This means Cecil and Cid can pick up their metal weapons.

Also: dammit! Back in Baron when I was selling off Cecil's old gear to buy Karate Armor, I accidentally sold his Silver Armor rather than his Paladin Armor. That's, what, 17k GP down the drain? I'm a moron.

...a really well-hung moron with huge muscles.


No bullshit, Dark Elf's main attack is a Fire2/Lit-2/Ice-2 combo. He uses all three spells rapid-fire, dealing tons and tons of damage. With Edward's harptastic musical barrage filling the room, however, this attack is neutered down to the point of pointlessness.


The only semi-dangerous thing Dark Elf can do in this state is Whisper, which turns a hero into a Pig. Pig'd heroes still get the benefit of their full attack, though, so whatev.


Dark Elf only puts up with this nonsense for a few rounds before he gets serious. After soaking up a few thousand damage he transforms into Dark D., a fearsome worm-like dragon creature capable of murderizing the party with frosty breath.


The joke is still on him, though! Dark D. is the only boss in the game (that I know if) who is actually affected by Weak. Weak to Weak. Jesus, that sounds stupid. Point is, anyone targeted by this spell drops down to single-digit HPs. At that point Yang could kill Dark D. just by blinking at him.


♪♪ Fanfare ♪♪

In fact, this strategy kills the Dark D. so fast he doesn't even have time to properly change his name.

God damn, but that's a happy pig.


♪♪ Prelude ♪♪

With that, the team picks up the Crystal of Earth and can safely Exit out of Cave Magnes.

This is the first time the party has had a crystal in their possession. You can go to the item screen and click on it and everything.

♪♪ Samba de Chocobo! ♪♪

Once you've flown them somewhere, Black Chocobos automatically fly back to their home forest upon boarding. I don't have any idea why they do this, except to force you to catch another one if you want to avoid the walk back to Toroia. Which I do, so I do. This chocobo will sit in the woods outside Toroia Castle for the rest of the game.


♪♪ Welcome to Our Town! ♪♪

I don't need any of this non-metal gear anymore, so it all gets pawned off. The proceeds go towards buying a third set of Silver Armor to replace the one I stupidly threw away before.

I'm a well-hung muscular moron with a heart of gold.


♪♪ Toroian Beauty ♪♪

Returning to Toroia, Edward tells us the story of how he came by his signature theme music: he learned it on the set of a fairy porno he was directing and/or starring in.


"Your virginity, that is. You took Anna's, so I figure it's only fair. Scooch over on the bed, these old bones aren't as limber as they used to be."


Evil telepathy is purple, apparently.

The clerics are good on their word; they're going to let Cecil "borrow" the Crystal of Earth, so that he can "give" it to an "evil madman" in exchange for his "wuss girlfriend."


They also give permission for Cecil to raidthe treasury: three whole dang staircases of goodies! By jove!


Toroia is so chill they don't even have use for a dungeon; it's been retrofitted as a vault. And don't bother coming down here before the Dark Elf thinking you can lie your way to riches; this sassy vault guard can see right through you.


MAMA MIA THAT'S A LOT OF BOXES.

The Toroia vault contains:

• Cure2 x2
• Heal x2
• Ether1 x2
• Ether2 x2
• Elixir x2
• 2000 GP
• GreatBow
• Fire Arrows x20
• Lit Arrows x10
• Ice Arrows x20

Not at all a bad haul!


Staircase #2 leads to this tiny, already-raided non-vault. Phaugh. Firewood? Who needs firewood? Screw that noise.

There's an Ether1 in one of the pots, but man. I feel scrungy even takin' it. You know? It's like, that's all this pissant little room had goin' for it.

Staircase #3 contains four small rooms blocked off with stone doors. One pressure plate on the floor controls the doors; stomping on it four times opens all of them. Each room contains two of the same item, which means that one room has two RubyRings. Which would have been super-duper helpful to have known before I spent 2000 GP buying them in town.

I'm a well-hung, muscular moron with a heart of gold and a license to kill.


♪♪ Somewhere in the World... ♪♪

The Enterprise isn't in the air two seconds before Kain shows up in his sweet red ride.


However, Kain's not ready to make the exchange. Looks like Cecil has another hoop to jump through before Rosa is safe in hand.


Kain leads Cecil straight up into the sky. Presumably Rosa awaits them... in orbit?


♪♪ Tower of Zot ♪♪

Cecil emerges in the Tower of Zot, Golbez's nefarious headquarters. This technological marvel isn't actually a location on the world map. Maybe it's a flying tower with extremely advanced cloaking magics? Well, whatever. If Golbez wants me to come and face him in person rather than return my girlfriend via a third party, it's his goddamn funeral.

Next: "Must stop her spin! Kain! Jump!!"






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...oh, alright. Yeah, I made two of 'em. I dunno which one I like better:

Okay. Did you know you can fight the Dark Elf without first visiting Edward and getting the TwinHarp?


It, ah, doesn't go very well.

Mysidia's surrounded by water. Maybe it flooded the surrounding area? I like to think that it was once connected to Baron, and that they built the Devil Road for a reason. As for Fabul, well there's a reason that it's the center of KARATE.

I'd say the second one.

Not getting the TwinHarp was EXACTLY what I did on my second playthrough, thanks to me not wanting to bother with Edward's worthless ass.