The Mega(man) Battle Network LP!

Oh my God, ANOTHER custom sprite.






Yup, definitely a villain.

Further ahead is First class.



The third Retro trader is here.






I dunno, First class seems pretty spiffy to me.



Wow, they actually went out and said it’s alcohol.




Is this really how Japan sees America?



We’re just allowed in to the Cockpit.

You’re standing in it.



Netopia sure is lax on security.





Lan’s happy the man’s dream came true.

Then the screen shakes.



Lan obeys, and thanks the pilot for letting him come up.





Megaman notes the turbulence is over. You know, in case Lan didn’t understand that intercom message.



Now it’s time…



To talk to everybody.

They all comment on the turbulence.



Except for this guy, who now has twice the dotted lines.

A man in Business class boasts that he’s called Dr. Iron Fist. To prove it…



Oh yeah, I didn’t really go over the people in Business class.



This NPC is your classic girl genius.



This NPC intends to introduce Netopian dance moves to Electopia.

These four are just normal people.






We get it, you’re the villain.

The other custom sprite guy has moved to First class.



The man laments that the Electopian Bug Society doesn’t have enough money.



Lan returns to his seat.





Ten minutes pass.



Megaman asks Lan what’s wrong.




We’ll need to direct Lan to the bathroom nearby.

While Lan does what he needs to do, two NPCs walk out of the Crew Room.



The man asks what kind of spider it was, and where it went.

The two then walk into the Economy class area.



Lan recalls their description of the spider.




Megaman wonders if one of the passengers would know more.



Lan tells him he’s looking for someone who knows about bugs. The man almost takes this as an insult.



Lan then asks if there are any spiders with fat legs and black hair.



The man asks for more details. Since, seriously, “fat legs and black hair” is about as descriptive as not at all.

Lan recalls that it had red eyes.





The man confirms, and notes that it’s a rare species easily identified by its thick black hair and red eyes.






Lan wonders what happened. Megaman notes it came from the back of the plane.

Before Lan leaves, though, he thanks the bug guy.




The stewardess wonders what she should do.

Lan orders Megaman to see if there are any doctors on the board. Megaman agrees.

And when the cutscene ends, we are given control of Lan. To find a doctor.

Sheesh, I realize this is a text-heavy game, but the translators could have at least bothered to get the story stuff right.




The screen quickly fades to black.



Apparently the doctor had the antidote for a rare spider’s venom on hand.

The attendant asks if the man will be alright. The doctor confirms, but notes the man should rest until they reach Electopia.



I’d like to take some time to discuss the sheer fail in this statement.

First off, since this is the result of a spider bite it’s venom, not poison. There is a difference (poison is inhaled or absorbed through the skin, venom is directly injected).

Second, and far more importantly, according to the doctor the man is in shock. For those of you who don’t already know, he’s not talking about the emotional state.

Circulatory shock is an incredibly dangerous medical condition caused by your organs not getting enough blood, either because of severe bleeding, or because your heart is unable to effectively pump blood throughout your body.

In this case, since the cause was venom it was probably either septic shock (can have a variety of causes, but the end result is your blood vessels widening, resulting in severely lowered blood pressure) or if the man is really unlucky anaphylactic shock, (caused by a severe allergic reaction and also leads to blood vessels widening).

Getting to the point, if the victim is in shock you shouldn’t just be standing there doing nothing. I’m no medical expert, so I’m not sure what the correct treatment would be, but since this case of shock wasn’t caused bleeding, it should be possible to perform CPR (though I don’t see any nearby breathing barriers, and if the cause is widened blood vessels it probably wouldn‘t help much).



The doctor turns to the stewardess and angrily asks why the passengers weren’t informed that there was a poisonous spider on the plane.

I’d like to once again bring up that the correct term is venomous, not poisonous. There’s a really easy way of remembering: if you bite it, it’s poisonous. If it bites you, it’s venomous.



VENOMO- gah, screw it.

The doctor calms down and notes there’s no point to yelling at a stewardess.




Yeah, you’re really helping him by just standing there.

Lan volunteers to go catch the spider.



Who cares? It’s still a spider. Just crush it. Hell, Lan’s got crazy aiming skills, he could probably just chuck his PET at it.

Bug guy is confused.





Lan tells bug guy to keep it down. The man apologizes.



Bug guy asks us to go find the materials. Lan asks what kind of trap it will be.






The type of trap should be blatantly obvious just from that.



Lan asks why he needs whiskey.




…I’m not even going to comment.

And now it be time to talk to everyone.



The old lady proceeds to tell us a sob story on how her husband and her made chopsticks and dreamed of having a worldwide industry until her husband died and now the two of them are split apart like chopsticks but she still went to Netopia anyways and was overjoyed to find that they loved their chopsticks.

No, really.







The stewardess checks her pockets.

And then… the whiskey.



Despite the fact that there’s probably some right here, we can’t take it.



We need to talk to this guy.

Yes. To get some alcohol we need to participate in a rap-off.















Thank god this was not voiced.

Bug guy is surprised Lan is already done. He decides they should start setting up the trap.




Lan and Bug guy immediately turn.



Bug guy charges ahead.










Where?



WHAT THE CHRIST THAT THING IS HUGE.





Bug guy thanks the two First class passengers for cooperating. Lan then thanks him.



Lan decides that they should head back to their seats.

The screen shakes.

The stewardess repeats that they are on schedule.

The screen shakes again.

The stewardess starts stuttering.

The screen starts shaking again, and this time it doesn’t stop.



The stewardess alerts everyone to faster their seatbelts.

Lan wakes up at this point and wonders what’s going on. Megaman, always eager to point out the obvious, tells Lan that the plane is shaking. Lan notes that the shaking isn’t stopping, and wonders what’s going on.

The screen transitions to the pilots.





How it would accecpt stuff?






The scene switches back to Lan. The stewardess asks for all net battlers to come to the cockpit immediately.



Lan rushes off to the cockpit.



Presumably Lan shows his license since the captain doesn’t protest.

As soon as Megaman jacks in, Lan orders him to look for the right wing program. Megaman is about to confirm, when he’s suddenly enveloped in light.




The lights stop. Lan asks if Megaman is okay.



Megaman muses the airplane might also be affected.



Next time: Magnetman!

Current Folder

Bubbler R x4
Tree Bomb R x2
Wide Sword * x3
Fire Blade R x4
Guts Punch B
Cold Punch B x3
Yo-Yo1 R
Area Grab R - REGULAR
Rock Cube * x3
Shadow R
Attack +10 * x5
Attack +30 *
Protoman B

Total codes (not counting * code): 2

I have to comment on the absurdity of this statement. Magnetic force does NOT work that way, unless Megaman's "body" is made of circuits that are not symmetrical. Or unless there's some aspect to Magnetic force which I haven't learned yet, but I kinda doubt that because I'm almost done with it for High School.

If Megaman is simply like a charged particle then magnetic force should only affect him while he's moving.

If Megaman is a bunch of circuitry then magnetic force will only work at a 90 degree angle to both the magnetic field and the direction of the surge in his circuits.

So in other words, for the magnetic force to have this much of an effect, Megaman would have to be composed mostly of circuits, all of which have the direction of the flow of electrons (or ions) as the same direction. Which is pretty absurd if you ask me.

Sadly enough, at the end of the game BN2 screws up radiation and percentage even more than they screwed up emergency treatment and magnetic forces here.

Really, BN2 is fun but its plot is absurd. The only BN that was crazier was BN4.

If you really want to map BN2 to real-world physics, it's easier to just assume there's a changing magnetic field in here, which is inducing a current in pretty much any conductive surfaces within Megaman (or within Lan's PET, and thus affecting Megaman). I imagine a typical program/circuit/whatever a NetNavi is would be quite badly affected by that, enough to not even mention the field was changing rapidly. (Or Megaman might just have omitted the information on the basis Lan wouldn't understand it anyway.)

However, it's more likely that BN2 just picked up a bunch of science at random and vaguely used it. (Or the translators screwed it up, as usual.) Battle Network's rules of physics never made a whole lot of sense except in BN1 (where navis actually acted like computer programs).

As much as I like 2 and 3, the crazy award still has to go to 2 for one reason - which I think you'll make fun of in great detail real soon.
That being when the plane's going down, you can jack out and talk to the passengers. Most say things like "I'm going to die" and "Oh my God", but the super-stereotypical black dude says, and I quote: "YO! YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO WASSUP!"

Doubtful, considering what Magnetman's powers are shown as.

I just wanted to say I'm really liking the commentary so far!

EDIT: Ah, ok. Also, I'm surprised that this game somehow managed to get away with having WHISKEY and keep it an E rating.

Er, the voting's over.

And like I said earlier, as far as in-game stuff goes Elec is the worst element.

I think we've had enough of stereotypical black guy for a while.

And really, it does not get worse than 4. It just doesn't. Even BN3's tanks were better than the sheer absurdity and randomness that plagued BN4.

BN4 was a little too much even for me when I was younger, which is saying a lot when you consider that I took the other games in stride (well, 1, 3, and 6, anyways)

The puzzle for this area is pretty simple.



It’s basically just a bunch of one way panels.



More interesting is what happens to the battle field. If you stand above or below a magnet panel, you’ll be sucked on top of it.

Also, just for Heffenfeffer…




Air Computer is pretty annoying. Unlike prior dungeons, the areas are all situated around Air Comp 2.

We need to get to Air Comp 3. To get there, we need to take a warp to an upper pathway in Air Comp 2, and then take another warp to Air Comp 3.

There, the real puzzle begins.






Yay. Basically, we need to find and activate both de-magnetizers in every area in order to progress.



New virus. These guys go flying at you. If they hit you…



Megaman loses all the chip data he has at the time. Don’t worry, it isn’t permanent. They drop Catcher chips.




I think you can figure out what the red de-magnetizer does.

Incidentally, actuate is a word, and it does mean to turn on mechanical stuff, but I’m willing to be it was supposed to say activate and the translators just lucked out.



Another new virus. Magneakers fire Magnet bombs.



These Magnet bombs magnetize a panel, preventing you from moving for a bit if you stand on them. After firing a bomb they’ll rush forward at you if you line up with them. They drop Magnet Bomb chips.

The BMDs of this segment held 800 Z, 3000 Z, a Full Energy, and a Grass Line N (turn the row Megaman’s standing on into grass panels).



The scene cuts back to the real world, where the shaking abruptly stops.



Then the shaking starts again.





This time we’re heading to Air Comp 4. To get there, we need to take a nearby warp to the southern part of Air Comp 2, then take another nearby warp to Air Comp 4.

The BMDs of this segment held 900 Z, a RegUp2, a Little Bomb *, and a HP Memory.




Lan wonders what Gospel will infect next.








Lan notes it’s getting hard to breathe.



This time we’re heading to Air Comp 5. Once again, we need to warp through Air Comp 2 before we can get there.

The BMDs of this segment held a Barrier L, 1000 Z, and a Recover 120 S.




The screen starts to shake again.

Is it even physically possible to drop 2000 feet in the time it takes to say that line?




Was he not listening or something?




Lan orders Megaman to go fix the throttle program.

A nearby warp once again brings up to a new part of Air Comp 2. A warp at the end leads us to a new part of Air Comp 1.



Turns out there’s a special animation if you try and go against the flow.

The BMDs of this segment held a Rock Cube *, 2000 Z, a RegUp1, and a Spice2 N.



We cut back to the real world. Both the shaking and the crisis music stop.






The captain warns the other two to stay on guard.



Crisis music starts back up at this.

Lan orders Megaman to get to the landing control program.

A nearby warp sends us to the main section of Air Comp 2.

The BMDs in this segment held a Bug Frag, 1500 Z, a HP Memory, 500 Z, and a Hi Cannon E.



Let’s see… the plane’s computer has been completely filled with magnetic force and this guy looks like a giant magnet. Yeah, I think this is villain.

Jack, incidentally, is Count Zap from the first game. Gauss and Jack are like the only two siblings in this series who aren’t identical twins.

Gauss proclaims that when the Super Navi is complete, net society will be revolutionized. In a bad way presumably. How exactly this Super Navi is going to be completed when the necessary High Power Program is on a plane that is about to crash is unknown.




Man, half the screen captures I’ve taken so far are just this guy talking.









As you can see, the center row is entirely made of Magnet panels. This is just as annoying as it looks.

Magnetman, like many other BN2 bosses, stays in the back column.



His main attack is the Magnet Missile. Like its Classic incarnation, it can turn once. This can be annoying to dodge when you’re basically stuck in the middle row. You need to move just as it turns.




Magnetman can also shoot a Magnet Ball. It will slowly move towards you, and if it hits you’ll be stunned. He won’t move for a bit after he uses it though.

Thankfully, the shield works against both. Too bad I am completely incapable of effectively using it on a keyboard.

At half health, Magnetman busts out a third move.



North South tackle. To dodge this, you pretty much need to be out of the center row when he starts it, or you’ll get pulled into it.

The thing is, at even lower health Magnetman will start throwing out two Magnet Missiles before he does NS Tackle, making it pretty much impossible to dodge without Invisible or some really fancy footwork.

That’s pretty much it. Reset time.




Screw you too.




The screen goes white.




“Highjack”? Really?



Wait, just a few minutes ago Gauss was talking for at least two minutes straight. Nobody around him noticed until now?



Good thing the ESRB didn’t play this far, huh?



How would he get away? He’s in a plane. That’s about to crash.

…Shouldn’t Megaman be fixing that?



Gauss curses. And by that, I mean he says “Rats!” Kind of an odd time to start censoring if you ask me.



You mean the guy in the back dying from poison?



Oh.

Lan thanks Bug guy.



Apparently Magnetman’s existence was the problem.



The Captain orders Lan and Bug guy to get back to their seats as fast as possible.







Let’s see how the other passengers felt about the thing.



Is that… praise?











God damn it.

At least Stereotypical Black Guy recognizes Lan‘s efforts.




Nah, they’re busy thanking God or moaning about how terrified they were.














Megaman feels sorry for Gauss. Lan agrees.

Apparently the fact that he just tried to kill them just skipped their minds.



How nice of them to not show up the day Lan’s supposed to be coming back.

In any case, there is a bunch of stuff to do now.

As it turns out, Heat Style totally decimates Gateman, as it destroys all of his Gate Soldiers, interrupts his attacks, and pierces through the Remote Gate. Unfortunately, it leaves you open to Remote Gate counters.





Let’s try that in Aqua Custom.



Meh.







At round 7 a new virus popped up. It probably does something, but I have no idea since I killed it so fast. On later runs I did notice that it slowly regenerated HP.

After a bunch of retries (Battle 8 is hell, especially since my folder has no healing chips), I did it.




Yup, that’s it.

In other words, beat the game and get a special item in order to take the SS License Exam.



The annoying thing about Toadman is that both of my Styles are useless. Aqua Custom gets slammed by the Shocking Melodies, and everything else does double damage to Heat Shield. So I’m stuck with Normal.



Here goes.



GOD DAMN TADPOLES.

After four more tries I gave up and cheated. In other words, I edited Folder 2 and started save scumming until I got the perfect starting hand.






You know, while I’m at it…




Are you starting to understand how broken Gater is?







Douche.

Next time: Side stuff.

Current Folder

Bubbler R x4
Tree Bomb R x2
Wide Sword * x3
Fire Blade R x4
Guts Punch B
Cold Punch B x3
Yo-Yo1 R
Area Grab R - REGULAR
Rock Cube * x3
Shadow R
Attack +10 * x5
Attack +30 *
Protoman B

Total codes (not counting * code): 2