A Tale of Two Scripts: Let's play FF3 US & FF6 RPGOne!

Umaro and Gau in rage form are useful with Cyan, since they can make actions during SwdTech charging.

*facepalm*

I meant to mention them, I really did, but it slipped my mind. Though I wasn't going to mention them by name, since they aren't in the story yet....

Part VII - Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking

Alright, RPGOne lens, go!



I smell adventure!



Curio Dealer "Yes, good day. I am a curio dealer on a chocobo. Few around here haven't heard of me."
Curio Dealer "Hmm, now then, customer. You're...... ...... ...... a stranger, huh?"
Curio Dealer "Well, what's it matter? Need any tools?"
(See his goods)
(Maybe next time)

This guy doesn't let anything mess up his sales pitch. Let'sa buy (some shurikens)!



Yikes. Guess he wasn't kidding back in Figaro.



Matias "I need to get to Narche, but I don't know which way to go; do you?"
Shadow "It seems the Empire has begun setting up a base near the east woods."
Matias "The Empire!?"
Shadow "It's likely a sign that their target is Doma Castle."
Matias "Doma Castle, huh...? But I have to get to Narche as soon as possible."
Shadow "The only way to get to Narche is through Doma. I will guide you past Doma. But, I may change my mind at any time and leave you."
Welcome a friend?
Yes
No

Hey, a fairweather friend is better than no friend at all, right? Saves (and/or savestates) can keep him from leaving anyway, so why not?



So you messed up in Kid Icarus?



Oh jeez not this guy.

Old Man "Are you the clock repairman? I've been waiting for ages now."
"Um, no. I'm not a repairman."
Old Man "It's up on the wall over there, see? I can't remember how many years it's been since it worked. 1 year... 5 years? Maybe even 10 years?"

(The joke is that he can't remember how many years it's been since he can't tell time any more. The joke has been ruined; you're welcome.)



Matias is a glutton for punishment, I guess.

Old Man "Are you the lawnmower repairman? Your service is terrible, the yard is out of control. It's grown at least 15 meters high."

I think this guy just made an anachronism...



Old Man "It's cold, it's freezing, and it keeps getting worse!"

FINE, if it'll make you stop yelling crazy at me.



YOU PROMISED!

Old Man "You're the bed repairman!? Gish-gish it does, I can't take it any more, I can't!"



A stove repairman, it turns out, Matias is not.

"Really... No child could possibly be this mishievous..."
Old Man "Child? Urgh, I don't have any children! Ah, makes me shudder. What a strange thing to say. Go on, get out. If you don't, I'll throw you out on the Beast Plains, too!"
"??? This old man... is crazy."

And he finally notices. Also, "Beast Plain"? Damn you, me! Stop being so literal! Let's get outta here.

Doma Area
Enemies: Epiornis, Salad Hopper, Stray Cat, Spy Rabbit



That kinda looks like the world's smallest desert.



OSHI- IMPERIALS!



Thank you once again, Captain Obvious. Listening in on the soldiers nets us this stellar little chat:

Soldier A "Hey, you know?"
Soldier B "Ah, the latest gossip?"
Soldier A "Shh... You're speaking too loud. If Kefka spots us, we'll be in serious trouble!"
*checks his six*
Soldier A "If General Leo's ever gets driven out of our army, that guy'll be the head General around here." {Nice grammar flub there, me.}
Soldier B "Quit joking. If that guy becomes our General, I'll go back home, I will."
Soldier A "Shh! ...What if he overhears you? You'd get tossed in prison!"
Soldier B "...I know, I know..."
*here comes a very special murdering psychopath*
Soldier B "...Uh!? Uh, oh. Here he comes... Better get back to our posts quick."

Good to see that the heroes aren't the only ones who have noticed that Kefka is five short of a six-pack.



Soldier A "Uh huh. You're, uh, you're, aren't you Kefka? Are you in good health?"
Kefka "Hmph. I'm not in the mood for cheap flattery! Got it? You'll suffer something awful if you don't watch carefully!"

I guess Kefka's a big fan of making people hang out with the Goons if they get out of line. Truly a fate worse than death.



Soldier B "...That's just it, isn't it? He acts like he's better than General Leo, but he's nothing but a faker, I tell ya."
Soldier A "Shh!!! I told you to keep your voice down! ...You're completely hopeless."
Soldier A "You know? That Kefka guy is so different from General Leo, we need to watch our step around him or it could be trouble."
Soldier B "Yeah. I know what you mean."
*Commander Cody runs up*
Imperial Army Commander "Hey! You two there! We're about to begin our assault on Doma Castle. You two need to join the attack party. Right now!"

"There's gonna be beer and nachos, it'll be great!" I'd say this guy's an idiot for taking away perimeter guards for a direct assault, but really, who the hell's gonna attack from the east? The old man with the broken, dirty, broken, garbage-filled, broken broken house?

I think I just made an Arsenic and Old Lace reference there that nobody will get...



Their master attack plan is to walk around helplessly, try to climb the wall (and fall repeatedly after 4 feet of progress), HEADBUTT the wall (with predictable results), and run headlong into it repeatedly. I guess Kefka must've trained this battalion.



Doma Soldier "So, this is it..."
"Wait!"
*so enters the man of the hour*
"Leave this matter to me!"

A dialogue gimmick approaches!



This is Cayenne (or as letter limits allow, Cayene). An appropriately spicy fellow who has a... rather annoying feature to his speech.



He never stops saying "sir". The most common question I got about this translation (after "Why the hell did you translate a game that was already perfectly well translated?") is "Why the hell did you make Cyan constantly say 'sir'?". And the answer is... because I was an idiot. Cayenne talks in classic spaghetti samurai fashion, which results in almost every sentence ending in "de gozaru". I misinterpreted this as a weak attempt to formalize every sentence in a half-assed fashion, and so translated it as a verbal tic of him constantly saying "sir". The worst part is that this isn't the only verbal tic I put in there to imitate a speech pattern that resulted in a consistent sentence ender. The only thing I can say in my defense was that I hadn't really learned just how broad and diverse the Japanese language could be at that point.



Unfortunately for all of us, that means we still have to put up with that goddamn verbal tic.



Or he could just fight other soldiers. Or run away. Let's try running away.

Cayenne "I will not run dishonorably!"

"But Sky Render, that line isn't in the game! You can't run!" Ah, thank you observant reader! You're right. That's a dummied line of dialogue, one of the first I can share with you. Expect more as the game progresses.



And by "normally" he means "smacking the enemy repeatedly with his sword instead of practicing proper swordplay etiquitte", because he's a samurai. Did we mention he's a samurai yet?



A samurai who can do 50% extra damage whenever he wants. There's no reason to ever not at least do his level 1 Sword Skill. There is, however, every reason to never use his later skills (that being that his gauge for them charges about as fast as a paraplegic snail moves).



NOOO! How could the assault have failed!? We almost had 'em! Another week or so and we would have had the whole castle paralyzed with laughter!



Brilliant tactic, Patton. I hope you have lots of supplies and access to a steady cache of more.



What the flaffy? How'd Shadow get in the leader position? Answer: a bug in the party reassembly code. But we'll leave it like that just for contrast as Matias slips on a Black Belt that mysteriously appeared in his inventory just now. Mysteriously.



"Sooo..."
(Kick it)
(Strike it)
(Leave it)

All of the above!

(Kick it)
"Owwwwww...!"
"Oh, no! I've been found!"
*dog smackdown*

(Strike it)
"Owwwwww...!"
Soldier "Who's there!? Where are you?"
"Oh, no! I've been found!"
Soldier "......??? I'm sure I heard a noise..."
"Meow."
Soldier "......Ah. Just a cat."
"Oh man... That was dangerous."

(Leave it)
*nothing happens*

Canonically, I picked to kick it. Just 'cause. The Star Pendant inside will help me ward off poisonously poisonous poison.



Oops.

Crossing the stream/river thing rewards us with dialogue. There's a lot of that here.

Leo "So, they're adopting that tactic?"
Soldier "General. We're prepared to attack the castle. You need only give the command, and..." {What, really? Did you see what happened last time you "attacked" the castle? You are not "ready", not by a long shot.}
Leo "Do not get so impatient. If we invade Doma at this point, there will only be unnecessary casualties."
Soldier "But, General. I would gladly surrender my life for the glory of the Empire at any time!"
Leo "You're a citizen of Maranda, right?"
Soldier "Huh? Y, yes. Why do you ask?"
Leo "Your family is just as important as your country. Are you not asking me to go to your family and hand them your sword? How could I face them like that? You are still a human being, not just a soldier in the Imperial army. Don't surrender your life so pointlessly. Surely, Ghastra would never wish that." {And from this we can surmise that Leo does not actually know Ghastra that well.}
Soldier "Yes, sir!"
*another soldier-man runs up*
Soldier "General Leo!"
Soldier "A message from Emperor Ghastra, brought via courier pigeon."
*he reads*
Leo "What...?"
Leo "The Emperor is calling me back. I must return to our homeland promptly."
Soldier "Yes, sir. I understand."
Leo "Alright. I'm leaving the rest for you to handle."
Soldier "Yes, sir."
Leo "But, please. Don't do anything rash, and don't attack too early. I'm begging you."
Soldier "Yes, sir. Leave the rest to us, please."
Leo "Okay. Be careful."

This sort of implies that this nobody soldier is now in charge instead of Kefka. Which is definitely Burn Sauce in Kefka's eyes.



Oh quite. Not too bright on Imperial policy, though. (This is one bit of the translation I will always defend. "He could be my friend, if he weren't my enemy" sounds like something right out of a comic book.)



Oh god more dialogue

Kefka "Strong enough to kill instantly with a touch... Hehe..."
*Leo walks up*
Leo "The Emperor has summoned me. I'm going back to the home land now. Don't make the mistake of acting pre-emptively, understood?" {He even talks down to Kefka like he's a little kid. I bet this won't result in any hard feelings later.}
Kefka "I'm not so hesitant as you are."
Leo "Do not try such vicious intimidation. They may be our enemies, but they are still human beings. Don't you dare forget that."
Kefka "I bear no love for a country that sides with the Returners! I'm just doing what should've been done in the first place!"
*Leo walks off, no doubt shaking his head and hoping his soldiers are competent enough to keep Kefka in check*
Kefka "Go be a good little boy. Hmph!" {I've long suspected that Kefka was the one who sent a fake courier pigeon to get Leo away from the base. You have to admit, that is just the kind of thing he'd do so he can go and commit some grisly murders.}
Kekfa "Is the poison ready?"
Soldier "Yes, but General Leo said not to..."
Kefka "He's not here any longer. I'm the highest-ranking here. Release the poison!"
Soldier "Some of our troops are being held prisoner at Doma. If we poison the water......"
Kefka "It doesn't matter! Those monkeys deserve to die, getting caught by the enemy!" {This bit only reinforces my suspicion. Seriously, Leo is probably still in earshot, and K's already openly discussing his presumably long-standing plan for the demise of Doma.}



Matias, moral guardian of the world!

Kefka "Kh, shut up, you. You're an eyesore!"



And you're a bed sore. Eat shuriken!



No, really?

Matias "Kefka! Wait!!!"
Kefka "Wait, he says! Ha, do I look like a waiter to you!?"



It didn't work in battle, why would it work out of...? Oh, it did. Woot, exploration time!



Yay!



Boo!



Nice typo, me. Anyway, this guy's a pain in the arse. He can confuse, blind, and berserk your characters in turn, hits hard, and can summon guards.



The fight takes a bit, but our reward is a jaunty green beret, which will no doubt help complete Matias' "Guile" look. Er, as long as he's going for the "Guile from Street Fighter: The Movie" look.



And one last prize for the road.



Speaking of the road, Matias has a sense of honor and won't leave before this is over. Okay.



(He's supposed to be panting there, not laughing.)



And one smackdown later...

Kefka "You're going to regret it next time you bug me!!"

This guy's ego is neverending.



That would be against Imperial regulations, I suspect. Okay, fine, we'll beat up your cannon fodder. It's especially one-sided since Matias is equipped with the Genji Glove AND Black Belt. Meaning almost any hit to him results in a double faceful of claw.



Oh right, forgot about stopping the madman.



Dude, Kefka, don't piss in the river. That's gross.



"There's activity happening over at the Imperial outpost. Could this be a sign of a new attack?"
Cayene "Hmm? The color of the water is...?"
*the soldiers, they drop like flies*
Doma Soldier "Sir Cayene!"



Oh snap!



I swear, this whole kingdom is obsessed with honor...

Cayene "We need to protect his majesty!"
*runrunrunrunrun*
Doma Soldier "Hurry, go to his majesty!"
Cayene "Right! The king's chamber is very close!"



King Doma "Who is it......?"
Cayene "Cayene, sir!"
King Doma "Oh... Is that so... My eyes are failing me, I can't see your face..."
Cayene "Your majesty! Your majesty! Be brave, sire, don't give up!"
King Doma "Cayene... You have served my family since my father's rule, protecting our country from invaders... I thank you. ......Guh! This is the end... There is no country left to defend..."
Cayene "No, sire, say not such things!"
King Doma "I am worried about your family... Ugh... Hurts to breathe...... My chest is burning..."
Cayene "Be reasonable! Do not speak!"
King Doma "Go to your family... ...... G-Guh ......"
Cayene "Your majesty!"



I didn't do it! Oh wait, the soldier hero-worships Cayene, nevermind.

Doma Soldier "Sir Cayene!" {Half this guy's dialogue seems to be him shouting for Cayene. What stellar writing, huh?}
Cayene "Surely, there must be some survivors elsewhere in the castle."
Doma Soldier "Right, we'll split up..."

Pretty optimistic of you, Cayene, seeing as your whole castle just dropped dead. The goddamn hantavirus doesn't even work this fast. But whatever, we'll see what we can find.



You found Corpses! *da-da-da-DA!*



Oh shit.

Cayene "This... This can't be happening..."
Cayene "! Shyun!!"



Oh SHIT.

Cayene "I, It's... Idiotic...and..."



THIS SHIT JUST GOT REAL AND YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE GOIN' DOWN!

Man, Kefka's line when he poisoned the water had the potential to be a nicely sinister twist on a Star Wars reference.

That's exactly what it was, actually. FF6 has a lot of Star Wars references, which becomes apparent right away when you realize that you're storming Narche with Biggs and Wedge as your wingmen during the opening.

Is Mash's name hard-coded here or something?

What in Japanese does this word play come from?

What, lawnmowers? Considering the other tech we've seen so far, these guys having lawnmowers would be nothing.

But Sabin is something right out of a comic book, so it always seemed appropriate to me.

I've always thought the same thing. In fact, I almost mentioned in my update that it was a fake but I can't think of any proof in the game. Still, given the characters involved I'm sure we're not the only people to think so.

I messed up there, actually. Trust me, that's not the ONLY time I made a slip-up involving character names...

Believe it or not, the original Japanese had the exact same joke, complete with the loanword for a waiter (ウェイター). It was a Bilingual Bonus pun for Japanese players.

A fair counterpoint, I suppose. And seeing as I did refer to him as Jean-Claude Van Damme in an offhand way by saying he's trying to look like Guile from the Street Fighter movie, maybe it is appropriate.

I did always find it odd that the poison seemed to kill everyone instantly, but not Cyan. So we are led to believe that everyone in the castle drank water at the same time but Cyan, OR that it is some sort of airborne toxin that ... floated there down the river ... and Cyan is immune?

Sabin black belt + genji glove 4 life!

Well, Cyan was out fighting when they drank the poisoned water, right? That's why the warrior guy survived with him. It is kinda wierd that everyone died, but I guess you can get awfully thirsty during a heated attack on your castle.

Don't forget the three guys at the bottom of the screen who are just standing behind the commander (you can see their heads at the bottom of the screen). That has to be the most ridiculous, comical and ineffective siege strategy ever.

You can see the Imperial "plan" in action here and here.

I think most of the castle was paralyzed with laughter or just dumbfounded by the spectacle. Which would explain why no one else tried to stop the Imperials.

I wondered the same thing but I don't think that occurred to me until I played the game in Final Fantasy Anthology.

Thirsty enough to drink purple water? Are the people of Doma all a bunch of idiots?

And yet, the castle clearly has taken some damage, and you can see magitech at the camp.

Video game poison is quite fascinating in how utterly plot-convenient it is, huh? This stuff is strong enough to wipe out every person in Doma (save Cayenne and the retainer, presumably because they were on top of the castle and thus out of the range of its instakill fumes). I'm not sure there's a poison known to man that's that strong, let alone that selective. Sure as hell if it's that insanely deadly it should be wiping out the Imperial camp too. Moreso, really; they lack the high ground.

I wonder if it's connected to the way things work differently in battle than in cutscenes. I usually don't even heal poison in battle because the damage is so small, but a little bit in the river here wipes everyone out.

Sort of like how characters can be burned, frozen, shot, stabbed, electrocuted, blown up and crushed in battle with little effect, but get run through the chest and perma-die if they are unlucky enough to get attacked while in their CG body.

Since you singled this line out, I'm curious what you intend by "discreet". It looks odd to me, because I see it and assume it means "skilled at doing things without others knowing", but I suppose you meant more like "prudent". I guess I'm probably just not as familiar with that definition.

Amusingly, the first definition of "discreet" in the dictionary is "prudent". As far as I can tell, it only means "unnoticeable" by proxy (ie. one who is discreet will not draw attention by making bad judgment calls).

Out of all the gimicky character attacks Cyan really pulled the short straw. I mean Celes' special is situational to the point of practically being useless, and Terra's is mostly useless in normal battles, but Cyan is simply overshadowed by the other physical fighters.

Arguabley Relm is worse. Sketch magic and attack power are based on the enemy she's copying. And the way things are balanced enemies generally have lower stats and higher hit points compared to the characters, so aside from a couple instances of using gimicky specials she's almost guaranteed to be weaker than just choosing fight or casting spells.

Sky Render, up until now I wouldn't have said you made any big mistakes, but I imagine Cyan's text is going to get annoying as the game progresses. That said, how would you have translated it if you did it now? I've been re-playing Disgaea 2, and the character Yukimaru seems to use the de-gozaru as well and they translated that as her saying "zam" at the end of every sentence...which kind of fits in the absurdity of that game, but doesn't seem to be the beset way to go about doing it.

I don't understand the Cyan hate. It's not that hard to que up a blitz and a couple of magic spells and then wait on his special while the animations play out. Hell, later on just pair him with a person with the offering and you'll have no problem having enough time to get off a quardaslice/slam.

Now, as far as damaged potential goes, he has better options, but if you don't want to use a genji glove on him or something, you just have to be patient to use his specials.

Were I to re-translate it, Cayenne would speak in a faux-formal tone. Basically it'd turn out a lot like the GBA translation: clearly he's speaking more formally than the rest, but he's trying way too hard and it just comes off as antiquated and even a bit silly. That's largely what characters using "de gozaru" are supposed to come off as doing, from what I can tell.

Funny, I don't remember Teddy Roosevelt ever wearing a uniform like that.

Yeah, I wouldn't have gotten it if you hadn't specifically mentioned the title.

Hey, it worked in Battle Network.

Also, couldn't you just cast Berserk on your fourth character?

(I’m trying a new style of formatting in this episode to see if it will save me any time.)
[CYAN charges the Imperial base single-handedly.]

Soldier: The enemy! Get ready, everyone!
[While CYAN and the SOLDIERS clash, SABIN appears at the bottom of the screen.]
Sabin: !

(If we stand between Cyan and the soldiers it will stop their little clang-clang animation, but we can’t talk to him from there. The same thing happens if we stand directly behind Cyan.)


Cyan: Thank you... whomever you are.

The fights we have here are nothing to write home about, but they do provide a good example of one of Shadow’s little quirks.

His pet ninja dog, Interceptor. Living up to his name, the dog occasionally takes a hit for his master, lessening or completely negating the damage. Every time Interceptor takes a hit, there’s a chance he’ll do a powerful counterattack. You have practically no control over Interceptor, but he does major damage.


Sabin: Let me have at it!
[CYAN rushes off to another fight.]
Cyan: What a mess!! Be careful, Sir!!
Cyan: Urgh!!! Who released this poison?


Cyan: The thought had occurred to me as well!

Sabin: Allow me to thank you! I am Sabin, from Figaro. Now, let's scram!
Cyan: But what of my home, my family... my friends?
Sabin: Look... If we stick around any longer we'll have a regiment of troops down our throats.
Soldier [from offscreen]: Got 'em! Over here!
Sabin: Hoo, boy...
Sabin: I have a great idea... come over here.


[SHADOW dashes off to find a third suit of Magitek armor.]
Sabin: I'll explain later! Relax. Just climb in!
Cyan: Sir Sabin! How might these abominations be manipulated?
Sabin: I'm getting sick of this! Thou art such a pain in the...! Confound it all! I'm starting to talk like you!
Sabin: Now listen! Just use those levers located by your hands.

(Sadly, mere screenshots can’t convey how silly Cyan looks running his armor around in circles.)
Sabin: Forget it. Now, come on!
Soldier: Hey! What are you doing?
Cyan: Aaahhh! We can't stop now!


[CYAN smashes through several ranks of FOOTSOLDIERS, meeting up with SHADOW. SABIN comes up behind him.]
Sabin: Then let's just bust through!

At this point we can try to head to the left, but...

that would just be the river Kefka poisoned. Instead we need smash our way back out the way we came. A number of soldiers try to stop us:

“End of the line!”
“There's nowhere to run!”
“Who said anything about running?!”

But they all get the same result:

Faces full of laser. Enjoy your giant robot omnipotence while you can, because it doesn’t last long and there’s only one more M-tek sequence in the game.


Cyan: Narshe, eh? Only one route, through the forest to the south.
Sabin: All right! It's decided. Let's get going!

And we’re finally done with that two-tile-wide patch of desert. The game won’t let us return to the base even if we wanted to. We go across the bridge and check out the remains of Doma.


Ah, the occupied remains of Doma. That does put a wrinkle in things. We can get rid of these guys later, but for now they’ve got us locked out. Instead we head east from Doma, cross another bridge, and enter a beautiful forest nestled in a quiet mountain valley.


A beautiful, beautiful forest.


Recover spring number 3! The enemies here are a bit of shock when you first see them, but their threat level is actually quite low. A little multitarget Fire spell here, a little Slow there, but ultimately nothing to worry about.


We check out the mystery train we find in the heart of the Phantom Forest. Surely nothing can go wrong with that!


Sabin: May be survivors inside. Let's take a look.
[SABIN approaches the nearest car and tries the door.]
Sabin: Hey! We can get in right here!
Cyan: Sir Sabin!
Sabin: We can't just wander around out here! We have to go on board!
Cyan: Sir Sabin!

Such a saucy wink!
Cyan: Sir Sabin!

Cyan: Let me off! This train's haunted!
Sabin: I... it's moving!
Cyan: If we don't get off now...
[SABIN tries the door.]
Sabin: Won't open!
Cyan: We're too late.
Sabin: What's with this train?
Cyan: This is the Phantom Train... It carries the departed to... the other side.
Sabin: Wait a sec... I don't want to go THERE!
Cyan: We all have to go sometime...
Sabin: I have things to do HERE. We have to stop this thing. Let's make for the engine.

First things first, we head to the right and check out the caboose.

Ghost party member get! ????? can’t do a whole lot: it has a weak attack, a special command called Possess that sacrifices the ghost to instantly kill an enemy (only worth using if the ghost will die to the next attack anyway), and it can’t be healed normally since it’s undead. As Sabin’s AuraBolt, Shadow’s Shurikens, and Cyan’s Dispatch all one-shot most of the enemies here, ?????’s main purpose is to soak up blows that might have otherwise been directed at your three regular members.


In the compartment behind the ghost, we find this fellow.
Impresario: This train ferries the dear departed to the “other side.” There they can take their eternal rest. Wanna stop the train? Just use the controls in the engineer’s compartment!


Impresario: The Phantom Train guides “the departed ones” to the spirit world. They have no need of schedules!


Cyan: Sir Sabin! Maybe we shouldn’t fumble with that!
[SABIN flips the switch and stumbles back.]
Sabin: Gave it my best shot.
Cyan: How can you...!? How could you...
[CYAN flips the switch back to its original position.]
Sabin: Cyan... You’re not... scared, are you!?
Cyan: How dare you?! Just because I respect other beings’ property doesn’t mean I’m not mechanically minded!
Sabin: Cyan... You’re a total klutz when it comes to machines.

With that little bit of buffoonery over and our game saved, we move on to the dungeon proper. Leaving the caboose and investigating one of the other cars, the only exit is blocked after we enter.


The ghost in the caboose is guaranteed to be friendly and the one blocking our way here is a guaranteed fight, but the ghosts wandering the train can be a fight, friendly (if you’ve lost your current ?????, that is) or they can try to sell us things. (The ghost shop is pretty basic, though, and not worth fighting a bunch of other ghosts we could otherwise skip just to find it.) (Read: I didn’t get a screenshot of it because I’m bad at remembering to do all the optional bits.)

The single ghost blocking our way isn’t much of a speed bump and Sabin is quickly mocking it from outside the carriage.

“Ha, ha ha... What ever did you think you were doing?”

“Huh!?”
N.o...e.s.c.a.p.e...!
“Who's there!? It came from this direction.”
[The PARTY runs to the left and finds GHOSTS.]
N.o...e.s.c.a.p.e...!
“Whoa! They're coming...!”
N.o...e.s.c.a.p.e...!
[The PARTY runs to the right and discovers GHOSTS on that side of the carriage as well.]
“This way too!”
You can't escape... Nowhere to run... Nowhere to hide...
[The PARTY climbs to the carriage roof, pursued by moaning GHOSTS.]
You can't escape... Nowhere to run... Nowhere to hide...
You can't escape... Nowhere to run... Nowhere to hide...

[The PARTY is marooned atop the carriage with GHOSTS on the ladder and no escape in sight.]
Cyan: I believe we're stuck!
Sabin: I know!
Cyan: You have an idea?
Sabin: Okay... The time has come to see if all my training has paid off. Come, Cyan!

[SABIN and the PARTY crash through the awning at the end of their second leap, not yet out of danger.]
N.o...e.s.c.a.p.e...!
“Hey... Uh, oh...?”

(If you look closely, you can just make out the shroud of a ghost on the right awning under the text box.)
“We have to detach the rear train cars!”
[The PARTY dashes inside the car and flips a switch.]

(So... is anyone else curious how many souls were just condemned to wander the earth forever because of that? I know I am.)

I might as well mention it now: there’s not really a whole lot of exploration to this dungeon. I mean, it’s a train – you can either go towards the front or the back or look into a side compartment, and we haven’t even seen a compartment since talking to the Impresario in the caboose. The challenge here, such as it is, comes from the gauntlet of random encounters; most of them aren’t threatening in and of themselves, but you’ll find enough Whispers* along the way that halve your HP with Demi that even little 20-30 point Fire spells can add up worryingly quickly. Fortunately, about halfway through we find the dining car.

*Oddly enough, Whispers start with the Seizure condition, which slowly drains HP (drain more often than Poison, but for smaller amounts each time). This is supposed to heal undead like the Whisper, but because of a bug it hurts them instead. I know what you’re thinking: A bug? In my Final Fantasy 3? It’s more likely than you think!


[A GHOST WAITER scurries up and places a plate of food on the table.]
Cyan: A... are you going to be okay if you eat THIS?
Sabin: Worried? Can't wage war on an empty stomach!
Cyan: Hummm... Sir! I won't hear any more of this kind of talk!

Sabin: Well! I've stuffed down all I can... Let's go!

Not only does the dining car heal Sabin, Cyan, and Shadow, I believe it’s the only way to heal ?????. Additionally, each character does something different if they’re party leader here. Cyan just repeats his first line above, but Shadow shares his dinner...


and ????? spazzes the hell out.


Speaking of Shadow, you’ll notice there’s no scripts in Sabin’s adventure that refer to him unless he’s taking part, as in his introduction. This is because he has a real but random chance to leave the party after any fight on the world map or in the Phantom Forest (but not in the Imperial base or on the Phantom Train), so the scripts had to be written as if he wasn’t there but still include the possibility for things like him eating on the dining car or boarding the Magitek armor.

Past the dining car are cars with private compartments, presumably for a higher class of dead person than the ghosts wandering the rear cars. Here we can finally find some loot, and we also learn that we aren’t the only livers on the train.


[A MAN drops from the ceiling.]
Man: I am Ziegfried, the world’s greatest swordsman! That treasure chest is mine. If I were you, Ox, I’d grab grandpa, here, and run!
Sabin: You look more like a manicurist. Now SCRAM!!!
Ziegfried: Aha! The ox bellows! Allow me to introduce my blade!
[ZIEGFRIED begins a battle, complete with boss theme.]
Siegfried: Go! Guys! Ha, ha, ha! Give up?

*sigh* Yes, his name in battle is different from what he calls himself outside of battle. Anyway, Siegfried starts off battle with a series of three physical attacks.


First he hits Cyan for 3...


Then Cyan hits back with a Black Belt-triggered counterattack, Siegfried hits Shadow for 3, then Cyan for another 3, then Cyan counterattacks again, and Siegfried disintegrates without my getting to input a single command.


You said it, random person in my party.


Uwa, ha ha! This treasure is mine! Ta ta, cretins!
...Aaannnd we get a third spelling of his name (I’d assume this one is because of character limits, but ZIEGFRIED fit in that spot before...). And no, we never get to know what was in the chest. In return, in another compartment we do get this:


Sabin’s head isn’t blocking a treasure chest or anything, he’s simply activating an empty tile. To get this Tent, you have to stand next to the left wall three tiles down, then take a single step so you’re on the second tile down facing up, then activate the first tile. The tile to the right of the Tent contains loot as well, but there’s no legitimate way to get it because there’s no way to face that tile without walking onto it.

We continue on, and just reaching the engineer’s compartment at the front of the train...

I guess it’s all fun and games while we’re merely slaying some spooks and detaching half a dozen train cars (at least they were the poor people cars?), but ????? is a conscientious objector when it comes to stopping the train itself.


In the lower left corner is a note:
“Something's written here! What? What? To stop the train, shut the first and third pressure valves, and operate the switch outside, near the smoke stack.”
We flip the two switches, exit the room, and clamber along the side of the locomotive.


What.

The train throws us off and we need to run like hell to keep from being run down. You’d think we could just jump off the tracks and it wouldn’t be able to hit you, like playing chicken with trains when you were a kid, but this is the Phantom Train – it decides where the tracks go, not the other way around.

The train itself can be a stumbling block, especially if you’ve had the misfortune to lose Shadow before now. Its Wheel attack does piddly damage, but its other attack...

That’s a little over a third of our party’s average health. Additionally, if one of our characters is knocked out or Shadow hadn’t come this far, the Train would use an attack that gives everyone a random status effect. On our side, however, we’ve got Shadow’s Shurikens and Sabin’s AuraBolt to deal out massive damage; with all three characters doing their best attacks the Train can’t last more than a few rounds.