A Tale of Two Scripts: Let's play FF3 US & FF6 RPGOne!

Probably. I've heard it pronounced "mat-eye-ass" as well, though that's generally when it has two T's in it.

I'm mostly trying to figure out how to reconcile it with "Mash," and that's the guess I've come up with.

What was the deal with the piece of paper? None of that happened in FFIIIUS, did it? Weird.

That, my friend, is what we call an obscure Easter egg. Most players never think to check in front of that table. Even fewer would, upon discovering it, just leave the scrap of paper there. It is in FF3US as well, it's just that you'd never know it exists if you hadn't a.) gone over the entire script with a fine-tooth comb or b.) checked one of the more comprehensive FF3US guides thoroughly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbGkxcY7YFU

I clicked that, and realized immediately after clicking where it led.

Then I went to another tab, forgot about it, came back, and clicked it again. I'll probably watch the whole thing later. It's a funny video.

Aagh! My poor innocence! And here I had thought that only Spiderman could turn me gay. ;(

First things first, if the game’s going to start us off next to an unguarded shack, we’d be fools not to talk to the inhabitants.

DUNCAN’S WIFE: I’m sure there’s a hidden passage under the rich man’s house. Find the room that’s drafty.

That sounds a lot like that basement we found with all the money last time we came through town.

Heading into town, we see that there’s only three buildings we can get into. Besides Duncan’s House, there’s the item shop and the big house owned by the rich man’s retired servant. The paths farther into South Figaro are blocked by Imperial troops. Our course of action is obvious: we go up to the M-tek armor blocking our way. We fought these guys way back when we were first escaping Kefka at Figaro and we’ve leveled up a few times since then, it can’t be that hard to get past them.

Oh yeah, we had Terra’s magic and Edgar’s AutoCrossbow back then so we could actually damage this thing and didn’t care if Locke lost two thirds of his health in one hit. (Apropos of nothing, I love that little flag on the back of the armor behind the smokestack.)


After a couple swipes from that Heavy Armor we wake up next to Duncan’s House again, with a nasty headache and an epiphany from out of nowhere. Eager for new clothes to wear for Locke’s cunning master plan he has yet to share with the player, we head for the retiree’s home. I’m sure he’ll have something we can loot without him noticing.

OLD MAN: I don’t like strangers. Bring me some cider, and maybe I’ll talk to you.
GRANDSON: My grandfather was a servant for the richest man in town. Only people dressed as merchants may pass through.

Ah ha! Now Locke’s plan makes sense. There’s a back door behind the grandson that would let us onto South Figaro’s main drag, but we need to find a delivery boy uniform to be allowed through. Well, if we can’t get a uniform at the item store, I’ll eat Locke’s bandana.



Use Steal on the Merchant, and...



B.Day Suit (née Merchant): Wh...whew!!! Uses Escape to end the battle. Sorry!
WOMAN: Avoid the armored soldier! They have no sense of humor!
SOLDIER near the item shop: I’m not buying anything!
GRANDSON: Merchant, right? You may proceed.

And we finally hit Main Street, South Figaro. We’re on the town now. South Figaro, Figaro, it’s a helluva town. The item shop’s up but the armory’s down. Uh. Ahem. Anyway, our ultimate goal is the rich man’s house, but soldiers are still blocking the way. We can check out the armory (a city under martial law imposed by an invading army and the armory’s still open?), but the only thing of real interest there is talking to a couple of civilians.

KID: Lower ranking soldiers like to brawl. Try humiliating them by stealing their clothes!
MAN: Imperial soldiers are pigs! Green suits live to brawl...

So go find one of the grunts in green and beat him up for his lunch money uniform, got it.

We go up the steps next to the armory and find the green grunt.

Hey wait, that says Officer. He’s not a lower-ranking soldier at all! Whatever his rank, stealing his clothes goes pretty much the same as with the merchant. In fact, except for the clothes being too big instead of too small, the dialogue is just the same.

We wander around South Figaro for a while. Most of the soldiers we can reach just tell us to go back to our post (presumably very nicely and respectfully of our pretended rank), but one is happy to see us:


We follow him to the tavern, where we can get the latest scuttlebutt from the off-duty soldiers.

“I heard they grabbed a famous general who turned traitor! She’s locked up somewhere in this town.”
“Never a dull moment... Time to guard the passage under the big mansion... Oh, well. Life is tough...”
“I heard there are 2 secret tunnels under the rich man’s house. One leads out of town, the other to one of these houses...”

Jackpot! The rich man’s house is well-guarded – we can’t even get in with our officer disguise – but if we can find this tunnel into the mansion from another house, we can probably sneak around and find the tunnel out of town, return to Narshe, and warn them about the Empire. Whose house would have a tunnel into the mansion, though...? Oh lord, I’m punctuating like Woolsey now.

The retired servant! Of course! He said he’d only talk to Locke if we brought him some cider, but if we’re going to find that anywhere in town it’ll be here at the tavern. We head downstairs.


“You thief!”

Well, he’s got us there. Dude’s got the glassiest of jaws, though, and goes down to a single attack (if you’ve thought to put on some equipment, since Locke starts the scenario totally naked). We take the cider, but we’ll need a delivery boy uniform to get past the little boy again and deliver the cider. Since we accidentally poofed the Merchant and all his clothes, we’ll have to look for another Merchant caught here by the embargo. Fortunately for us, there’s one upstairs in the hotel.


Steal his clothes, yadda yadda... (Fortunately this is the last time we have to do this. This may be a gimmick dungeon, but at least it doesn’t overuse the gimmick.) The kid lets us through and we go see the retiree.

“Huh? Secret passage? Well, there is one that leads to the rich man’s house. Go downstairs and give my grandson the password. It’s... uh, umm... I forget!”

Well, great. Fortunately the grandson takes pity on us and gives us a multiple choice quiz to guess the password.



We emerge from the tunnel behind the rich man’s house and are able to sneak in unguarded side door. Inside we find several people talk to us like we actually have a right to be here or something.

MAID: The Imperial Troops have turned this house into their headquarters.
SOLDIER: Thanks to our informer, this town fell instantly!
BABYSITTING SOLDIER: Rascals! Knock it off!
BOY: Chung chung... Chung chung... Magitek Armor!!!!
GIRL: Wind the clock! Wind the clock! Uh, that was just a jump-rope rhyme!

Yes, just like your dad didn’t actually have that dinner with an Imperial general. We’ll see what your daddy has to say about it. (I’ve always liked to think that the boy is all excited because the babysitter promised to take him for a ride on his robot to try and calm him down, a move that obviously backfired on the Imperial horribly.)


FFFFFFFF- If Locke were an official agent of King Edgar, you traitor, you would be so executed at this point.


Instead all we can do is slip behind the not-suspicious-at-all free standing bookcase. Downstairs we notice some funny noises coming from that little room we saw last time we were here.

Guard: So, the mighty Celes has fallen!
Celes: How can you serve those cowards...
GUARD: Hold your tongue!
Celes: Isn’t it true Kefka’s going to poison the people of Doma, to the east?
GUARD: Shuddap! He punches Celes again, dropping her to the ground. I’d hate to be in your shoes tomorrow! Keep a close eye on her!
OTHER GUARD: Yes, Sir! I can go for days without sleep! The sadist walks out of the room.


Released from the chains, Celes falls on her face. She sits up.
Celes: What do you hope to peddle down here?
Locke: Oops! Forgot I was wearing these clothes. He removes his Merchant’s uniform. I’m with the Returners. Name’s Locke.
Celes: Returners!!! I used to be General Celes... Now I’m just a common traitor...
Locke: Let’s go!
Celes: !? You’d take me along? Thanks, but no thanks. I can barely walk... She takes several slow steps. I’m grateful, but... Even if you got me out, you’d never be able to protect me. No, I think I’m better off here.
Locke: I’ll protect you! Trust me! You’ll be fine!

It took me so many tries to get a shot of that wink you don’t even know.
Oh Locke. Any damsel in distress will do, even if she’s an Imperial general, huh?

Locke: Let’s go!
Celes: Wait. This soldier has something important on him...



After saving our game in the cell next to Celes’, we wander into the same room where we looted all the money before. Remembering the little girl’s advice and the clock key we just got from the guard, we check the two grandfather clocks.

Behind the secret door is another nest of twisty little passages. I don’t bother cleaning out this dungeon (not now, anyway) because Locke and Celes don’t have a whole lot of staying power at this point. You can clean out the whole place now if you really want to, but you might as well come back later with a full party. There is an Iron Armor and an Earring relic that are close to the path and that will be useful before you can return, but the rest can easily wait.

Hope you remember to equip the currently-naked Celes, because this area is the first time we’ve had to worry about random battles in this scenario. There’s only two enemy types here: a dog that always comes in groups but will run away if there’s just one left, and a humanoid that if you damage him without killing him can do an additional attack at double power.


Like so. Grudge attack, followed immediately by regular attack, followed by OH MY GOD



That’s... that’s a lot of damage for this point in the game, and about 1580 points of overkill.

That was Locke’s desperation attack. Every character (except Gau and Umaro) has a one in sixteen chance to do a unique attack when they’re at 1/8th or less health and you choose the Fight command. Each one has its own unique animation and an attack power around 140, does magical damage, ignores defense, and is unblockable (except for Shadow, whose attack also causes the Sap status, and Relm and Strago, who have instant death attacks instead of doing damage). It’s also unlikely you’ll ever see these attacks unless you’re looking for them. In fact, I think this is the third time I’ve seen one in fourteen years of playing. This system is the forerunner of Limit Breaks, Trance, all those super attacks powered by taking damage that have been in Final Fantasy.



And with that we’ve escaped from South Figaro. A quick trip to the house with all of Sabin's favorite things for a nap, and we attack Figaro Cave. (If you try to go back to town, the soldiers will just turn you away with “The Empire has taken possession here.”)

Remember how I said not to pick up the treasure in Figaro Cave before? If you’d gotten it on your first time through, you’d have gotten two Ethers and a Fenix Down; wait until now and it’ll be an Ether, a Thunder Rod (an elemental weapon you can break to cast Bolt2), and an X-potion. If you really want to wait, get the treasure in the World of Ruin and it’ll instead be an X-potion, Hero’s Ring, and Dry Ether. It’s your choice, though.

The enemies here are a little more powerful than your first time through, but you shouldn’t have much trouble and there’s always that recovery spring near the end to look forward to. On the last screen, however, something dramatic happens!

Celes: It won’t hurt us.
Locke: Come again?!
Celes: I can simply absorb the attack with my Runic Blade.
Locke: Are you sure you’ll be okay?!
Celes: Just you watch!!

In addition to the standard Fight and Item commands, Celes also has both the Magic and Runic commands. Her Magic is slightly different from Terra’s – Terra focuses on fire magic and healing, while Celes learns ice spells and status effects. The Runic command uses Celes’ weapon as a lightning rod; the first spell cast after Celes uses it hits Celes but refills her MP by the MP cost of the spell instead of dealing damage, like so:



Runic isn’t a blanket immunity to spells, though. To use it, Celes has to have a weapon equipped that has the Runic keyword, which is exclusive to bladed weapons and isn’t even on all of them – and even then, I usually don’t have her swinging a sword. The other problem is the fact that you lose the effect as soon as you enter a command, so even if you just tell her to use Runic again (very possible if you aren’t used to the mechanic of skipping turns yet) you are unprotected from when you hit A until she does her Runic animation again. Then there’s the fact that not too many enemies actually use spells. All in all, outside of a few fights it’s not that useful.

But as Celes’ first major rumble this is one of those few fights; use Runic after every spell the boss casts (and only after, because of the timing issue I mentioned above) and attack with Locke, and you’ll get out of this fight practically untouched. If you really want to cut the battle short, you can have Locke use that Thunder Rod with the Item command to mess up the TunnelArmr.


And that’s that. Locke’s sabotage mission has succeeded, he’s kidnapped one of the Empire’s most important prisoners (they can keep the rich man, traitor for traitor, totally a fair exchange), and now he and Celes are on their way to Narshe. Next week we’ll follow Terra’s triumphant return to the mining city with Edgar and Banon in tow.

Part V - Metal Gear Lock: Tactical Espionage Action

And now for something completely the same.



That should be easy. Just ask that nice fellow to move!



Well that didn't work. Hmm...



"Look for the room where there's a draft that nobody can locate."

Oh, you mean that giant gaping hole in the wall 5 feet to the left of the rich couple's bed? Can do!



Oh my Zoidberg what the hell just happened!?



Mogtan what huh!?



Oh Jeebus the pain make it stop!



And so Lock failed to inform the Returners, because the Dig Armor was just too hard for him. R.I.P. Lock.

{This is one of the hardest damn glitches EVER to activate. You have to step into the incoming soldier's path at the EXACT instant he starts to enter the exact same tile AND you have to open the menu at that same instant as well. It took me about 100 tries to get past him, and that's counting the time I did it by accident and save-stated over my main save and had to rewind! Still, it's a fun little glitch, and if you survive Dig Armor's beatdown somehow, Celes will be replaced with Mogtan (or Kutan in FF3US) until you get to the opera! Sadly, this glitch was fixed in FF6A.}

Fortunately, Chipkahpaut came to our rescue again!



Only for Lock to get completely waxed, of course, but at least he stole an Iron Helm from that bastard! {Yeah, that's another little-known secret. Not nearly as interesting as the Mogtan/Kutan one, though.}



Look on the bright side, Lock. At least you didn't lose half your Gil!



See? Crafty!



Well aware, milady. Though they are an easy source of free Iron Helms, if your ego can take the constant beatdowns.



Lock "Hey! I prefer to be called a treasure hunter."

You know what that means!



FIGHT IT OUT



"Alright, let's go!"

Lock what the hell are you going to do to that man!?



Oh.



That's a pretty well-clothed nude.



We don't need Zelda CD-i references, pal.



Well excuuuuuuuse me, prin-damn it!



Movin' on up, aww yeah.

And I bet they're bitter about it, too!



Nice tip! {I'm not sure why Lucas thought the weapon and armor shops are closed. They're not. I guess the Empire's just that cocky. Then again, given how pathetic the weapons in South Figaro are, I'm not surprised.}



Oh no, I'm not falling for THAT line again, pal!



Their full title is Low-Ranking Imperial Soldier. Yeah, even *I* knew that was a bad idea at the time, and I believe later versions correct it to something like Cadet or Private.



I like the GBA remake's dialogue for these scenes better. "It's a bit too tight, but the price was right!" "It's a bit too large, but he didn't charge!" Way more alliterative. Also, that guy ran off so hard that he's gone from South Figaro entirely after the fight. That's pretty epic embarrassment.



NO YOU RETURN TO MY POST



Heh. Don't mess with the insane clown or his posse.



The townspeople seem strangely malevolent towards Lock now. I guess the clothes DO make the man!



Ha ha, you won't beat me up now!



ProTip: This is important and will come up later!



Hooray for the power of disguise!

NO I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED!



Sounds like potential Returner material!



"Ergh, I hate this. Maybe I should just quit."

Thanks for the tip, pal!



This is relevant to my interests.



...Maybe?



Now you gone and done it, you hit his Berserk Button. Smooth.



"THAT'S TREASURE HUNTER, BITCH!"



Yummy!



You are the worst merchant ever and I don't like your face.



YOU WILL BOW DOWN BEFORE ME!



Is every merchant in this game a fan of horrible Russian animation or something?



WAIT WHAT WHERE HUH!? {There's a hidden walkway between the two sides of the river where the houses meet. Meaning you can actually SKIP DISGUISING YOURSELF AS AN IMPERIAL ENTIRELY! How many of you knew that, show of hands?}



"Umm, I think there's a secret passage below that leads up north."
"Go downstairs and tell my grandson the password. Oh, the password is ......? I've forgotten it."

Only an old man like you could forget such an obvious password. Clearly it's...



HOORAY FOR FF2 REFERENCES!



Oh. Oops? Also, you just got beat up by a 6-year-old, Lock. You define fail.

Yeah, we all know it's this one.



*Zelda secret music*



I don't need luck, I have savestates skill.



WHY WOULD YOU BEAT UP ANOTHER IMPERIAL, LOCK!? Oh right, for extra security when venturing into the Imperial Goddamn base! Not that it matters, as Lucas showed you, but I like to think logic is rewarded occasionally.



Look familiar? Yep, this is that strange room I got an Elixir in way back in part 3! The secret passage leads here, which leads up and around into the rich man's house. Clever! And no, you can't take the passage early on, which is why I didn't showcase it then.



Guess she didn't get way in time. Bummer.



Should've put him under house arrest when we had the chance...



Fighting a losing battle there, bub.



Clearly. Who would talk about winding clocks?



Greedy sumbitch I oughta slug ya. They took your wife away too. Serves ya right.



It screams "Luke Skywalker off to save Princess Leia in the Death Star", ya know?

It'd be hilarious if it was CefcaKefka in there wearing a Celes wig. Admit it, you can totally see him doing that. "Surprise! Vweeheehee!"



Hey man, not cool.



They get punched 3 times by an abusive asshole? Eh, I've had worse.



Ouch, cold.



Not as low as you, woman-hitter.



Yeah, laugh it up, pal. I've got an Air Knife for your face when you come out of this room.



"What!?"

Well yeah, that's kinda the whole military-state mindset in any fictional setting.



"Shut up!"

And he smacks her again. Classy, asshole. Hey, let's call him a classhole.



You can practically feel the cliches oozing out of this guy.



"Sir! I can watch three days and three nights without a wink of sleep!"

What he failed to mention is that this is his fourth day in a row on the job. Oops.



Heil Ghastra! (Hope he didn't notice I'm not supposed to be here...)

Imperial Stormtroopers! Ever vigilant! At least these ones can hit the broad side of a barn.



You little perv! {That whole last scene, incidentally, got a heavy reworking for FF6A. Shortly before that version came out in Japan, there was a huge upset in Japan over torture practices. So the guards mostly just laugh at Celes instead, and only bind her wrists instead of chaining her to the wall. That's politics mixing with video games for ya!}



What's sad is, Woolsey got this reference better than I did...



"I'm Lock Skywalker Cole, I'm here to rescue you!" Oh hey, another subtle first name reference!



Lock "Let's go!"
Celes "!? You want me to go with you?"
Celes "No, there's no point. I can't run..."
Celes "Thank you... But even if I go with you, I have no way to protect myself... If I must decide, I'd rather die by choice here..."
Lock "I'll protect you!" {This guy has a fetish for protecting women, I'm convinced now. Even Zidane isn't this overkill.}
Lock "I'll protect you, you'll see!"
Lock "Let's go!"
Celes "Wait."
Celes "That soldier has something on him that will help us escape."



"I'M NOT A THIEF I'M A-" "Shut up and take the damn key, you idiot." "Yes ma'am."



And more cultural references I left utterly unlocalized. Are you really surprised any more?



We're gettin' OUTTA here!

Location: South Figaro Basement
Monsters: Commander, Vector Hound



Because I'm not in a hurry (unlike some other players), I go ahead and raid this place's chests for goodies.



HOLY CRAP WHAT IS THIS!? {Yes, another hidden basement. FF6 has a lot of those.}



This is the real prize of the lot, of course. The others (a Turbo Ether and X-Potion) are nice too, but this? Instant immunity to all status ailments. Rock. On.

Lock "You remind me of someone..."
Lock "No, it's nothing. I'm helping you because I want to."

You don't need a reason to help people, eh? Where have I heard that line before? {You can use that glitch from before to sneak back INTO South Figaro too. But that's not very fun since there's nothing left to do and it kinda means you have to go back through the basement again if you do. Much less interesting in reverse.}

Location: South Figaro Cave
Enemies: Big Bear, Acrophies, Kalothagra



The cave's enemies are upgraded, surprise surprise he lied.



Your indigestion's kicking up again, methinks.



Celes "Something's coming out of the wall!"



Lock "And that's possible how?"
Celes "If I use my Seal Sword technique, I'll draw all magic towards myself!"
Lock "But if you do that, will you be alright!?"
Celes "Of course, just watch!!"

Yeah, we all know how this fight goes. Let's just skip to the end.



Much better.



Okay, kupo! But next time. One down, two to go...

"Rosebud" is still a good gag, even if at the time it reminded me of Tiny Toons.

Oh, I wasn't saying they were closed, just that logically they should be. Though as you pointed out, it's not like you can actually threaten the Imperials with anything sold there, so might as well let the civilians keep their little party favors or whatever it is they use Mythril Knifes for.

For serving Mythril Butter.

Hmmm, something appears to be up with half of the photos. I'll wait to read the amazing retranslation bit later, I guess.

Runic is the most useless skill in the game, and it's crappiness is why I'll always like Terra more than Celes.

Man, I love runic, but that's just because free MP (even if you do often need control to get it).

First time I saw mirager was the first time I fought tunnel armor... made it sort of an easy fight.

Oh, by the way, little tidbit about Runic/Seal Sword that's often ignored: it doesn't absorb all spells. There are a handful that will not be absorbed, most notably Ultima's oft-neglected little brother Meteor (which, by the way is a piercing attack that does the same damage no matter how many enemies are present; it can outclass Ultima under certain circumstances). There are a surprising lot of enemy magic-based attacks that WILL be absorbed, too, including one of the end boss' most devastating moves.

I think I may actually have found the secret bridge between the halves of south Figaro back in the day, possibly on my second playthrough. But I also definitely got a soldier outfit when rescuing Celes at least once, cause I remember the stormtrooper reference.

Wow, blast from the past. I remember trying to play through the new script, once upon a time, and finding it a bit too dry for my liking. But I'm glad to see it in this LP, especially as a comparison piece.

I think FF VIA managed to preserve a lot of Woolsey's charm and fixed some of the problems that plagued his script. I loaned the game to a friend and I suspect I won't see it again. Sad.

As a kid I only knew about the bridge to get across the water. I didn't find out that you could steal the soldier's clothes for years.

Is it possible to take Locke and Celes to the returner's hideout and hop in the Lete river there? I know you can redo the Lete river later in the game. I'm sure the game stops you at some point here though.

I believe you can't get inside the hideout because the Empire has positioned soldiers at the Returner Hideout by the time you can bring Celes and Locke there.

- Eddie