A Tale of Two Scripts: Let's play FF3 US & FF6 RPGOne!

♪♪ Battle ♪♪

Yep, I'm a conservative squid.

So he voted for Bush? Excellent, now I have even more reason to torch his ass.



Gimme that! Why is an octopus carrying a white cape, you ask? Because he thinks he's a superhero, that's why. Get over yourself, Orthros, you don't even warrant the boss battle music!



It's never a good sign when an enemy turns red.



Be wary of his tri-elemental attacks!

Eh, I can take a little abuse.



But not a lot. OW, he Octopus Tentacle'd our asses!



Suddenly I regret casting Fira on this bastard again...



Am I being a nuisance? Sorry, sorry...

Damn it, Orthros, you just made the fight even harder! Fine, let's finish this.



It was either that or "Hailstone", and hail stones aren't nearly that big. Also, ow.



That was not HP absorption, that was MP absorption. Asper is broken, remember? Anyway, let's just finish this damn fight already.

♪♪ Relm's Theme ♪♪

Suddenly an interruption!

*Strago spins around*
Strago "Relm! You should be resting back at home!"
*Relm spins too, facing the camera*
Relm "But Relm wanted to practice her painting on the monsters in this cave!"
*Relm jumps over to Orthros*
Relm "Hey, who are you?"
Orthros "How impolite you are! I'm Orthros, the one and only!!"
*Lock jumps below the textbox and pops his head over it*
Lock "Relm, Orthros, with all due respect, could you please make some sense......?"
*Relm waves her arms at Orthros*
Relm "Hey Orthy, how would you like Relm to paint your portrait?"
Orthros "O, Orthy!? How impudent you are to me, the one and only Orthros!! I don't want any portrait from you!"
*Relm walks over to the cliffside to lay down and Lock watches*
Relm "Fine, fine. See if Relm cares, you big meanie...... Relm doesn't WANT to draw you any more."
*Relm stands up*
Relm "If that's how it is...... Relm will just jump from here...... Goodbye, cruel world."
*Strago understandably freaks out and Tina walks over*



I really hate that emulation glitch, incidentally, that makes characters behind text boxes in battle not properly show up behind them.

*Relm looks at Tina, then edges in closer*
*whisper* *whisper*
*Tina walks down to Relm and smacks Orthros a bit while Relm crouches down pitifully*
Tina "How can you be so cruel? Bullying a small child like that! I won't forgive you if anything happens to her!"
*Tina walks over a bit between Stragos and Relm and looks sidelong at Orthros*
Orthros "Er, um...... Shoot, what should I do?"
*Lock hops down and walks over to Orthros*
Lock "Let her draw you. Maybe she'll even make you look better than you really are."
*Lock does a little spaz attack thing*
Lock "Come on, don't be so cruel."
Orthros "......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... Oh, fine! Orthy-chan really wants you to paint his picture!" {Orthy-chan? ORTHY-CHAN!? What the HELL, me!?}
*Relm jumps front and center and mugs the camera*
Relm "Ehehe... You're gonna love it, Relm promises!"
Strago "Anyway, come over here!"
*Everyone jumps back into perfect battle formation*



I'm just a common squid!
*Orthros somehow splashes through solid rock, and the fight is over*

♪♪ Victory ♪♪

Well that was easy.



Don't push your luck, kid. Gramps is still pissed at you.

Strago "Ol, old jerk!?"
*Tina taps Strago on the shoulder, and he faces her*
Tina "I don't see any reason why she shouldn't come along, do you?" {You mean BESIDES the mess of monsters? No, none at all!}
*Strago nods, defeated*
Strago "Right, right. You can come along."
Relm "Good."
*Relm mugs the camera again, and then the party regroups*

Alright, four-person party again!



After a brief nap, the party goes a-fallin' down holes into other parts of the cave.



They put the weirdest stuff on mountains these days, I tell ya...



Eventually the party takes the right hole.



Just a small personal gripe: why would stepping up through an exit lead to an exit facing the wrong way? Xenogears does this at one point too, even more literally: you take an exit to the north, and end up on a cliffside facing south from an exit leading to the north!



♪♪ Eidolons' World ♪♪

Whatever, Eidolons.

Relm "Is that...... An Eidolon......!?"
*Relm walks up and touches the fairy*
*The fairy is not amused, and growls at her*
*Relm jumps back shocked and crouches down*
*Strago and Lock jump down to defend Relm*
*More Eidolons walk onto the scene*



Eh, we can take 'em. It's just 6.



Or... 8. That could be a bit more problematic.

*Tina steps over and gets a better look at her half-kinsmen*
Tina "I didn't think Eidolons looked so......."
Lock "Old man, take Relm and escape."
*Strago nods to Lock, then walks up to Relm*
*The two try to depart, but Relm rushes back shocked!*
*The two hurry over, Relm pumping her arms at Tina, as another dragon and wolfman wander down*
*Everyone clusters up as the Eidolons close in*

This is not going to go well for you, gang.



Intervention! Thank goodness.



This dude walked in, and Tina just went right over to him.



What indeed? Suddenly a whoosh sound effect!

Strago "Tina is... I sense a great magical power emanating from her. I wonder...... Perhaps it should be called Eidolon magic......"
*The screen flashes blue as an icy chime sounds*
*And again*
*Lock freaks out a bit*
Lock "Wait, she's not going to go berserk like before, is she?"
*The screen turns a bit blue as crystaline noises sound*
*And again, only deeper blue*
*And yet again, even deeper blue, followed by an otherworldly chime*

Yeah, I don't think any of the humans on this little expedition could've done that. Good thing they brought Tina!



Tina "Yes."
*Strago steps down and Yura faces him*
Strago "Why did you flee so frantically from the Eidolon world?"
Yura "We have been told that the gate between the Eidolon World and your world must not be breached. However, we wished to save our comrades who had been taken forcibly and turned into Magirock, so we gathered before the gate. It was a coincidence that Tina arrived when she did..." {A convenient coincidence for us all, that!}
*Tina nods to herself and Yura faces her*
Tina "I felt it, too. I could feel your presence through the gate."
Yura "Thanks to Tina's encouragement, we were able to open the gate. But as we came through, we discovered that we had lost all control of our powers in your world."
*Yura faces away*
Yura "As a result, we ended up hurting many humans, and are responsible for nearly destroying an entire city..."
*Tina looks down*
Tina "The same thing happened to me... My powers went completely beyond my control..."
*Strago starts nodding to himself*
Strago "The powers of Eidolons must be disrupted somehow in this world. Since you came through so suddenly..."
*Yura turns around again*
Yura "Regardless, we Eidolons have caused damage to humans both in body and spirit... What we did was truly inexcusable." {That sounds familiar, doesn't it?}
*Lock steps down to face Yura, Tina stepping aside for him*
Lock "The Empire wants to reconcile with you Eidolons. Well? Will you come with us?
Yura "......You humans would forgive us so easily?"
*Lock nods, then he and Tina face one another*
Lock "Let's all return to Thamasa and meet up with General Leo and the others."
Tina "Yes, let's."

Well, that was a brief meeting. Still, mission accomplished!



♪♪ Kids Running Through the City Corner ♪♪

And here we are! I love story-driven scene transitions.

Leo "Well met, Lock. It seems that you were able to convince the Eidolons to meet with us. Our efforts have paid off."
*Lock and Tina clear out and rejoin Strago and Relm*
*Leo nods*
Leo "I am a General of the Empire, Leo. Would you mind telling me your name?"
Yura "I am Yura."
*Yura takes a step towards Leo*
Yura "We have done a terrible thing to your people. Although we are in no position to ask for your forgiveness......"
*Leo nods twice*
Leo "I understand. We had no intention of holding you at fault. Conversely, we were going to ask you for forgiveness for what we have done to your people. To think, we came so close to repeating the Great War of Magic, as it happened a thousand years ago......"
Yura "We must put our pasts behind us."
*Celes takes a step down and Lock takes a step up to meet her*
Lock "Our duty is finished. Now peace can truly exist."
Celes "We should return to Vector."
*Lock looks down*
Lock "Celes......"
*Celes shakes her head and looks off to her left*
Celes "Don't say anything."
*Celes faces Lock, who looks down again*
*Tina steps up, and Strago and Relm eye each other*
Relm "Ooh, hot..."
Strago "Ah, youth."
*Lock and Celes look about, realizing they'd been off in their own little world together*
*Lock goes into shock as usual, and Celes looks off to her left again*
*Everyone laughs at them as Lock pats his head a bit*
*The awesomest laugh ever sounds and everyone stops in their tracks*

Oh that cannot be good.



♪♪ Kefka's Theme ♪♪

Look who's shown up! It's everyone's favorite insane clown!



And he's brought his posse with him, too!



Who promptly knock his ass flat. Hahahaha, I love seeing Kefka take abuse.



No thank you. See, we were just about to close up this peace settlement and head back to Vector. You can come along as our entertainment if you'd like; we can always use a good laugh, and we're gonna unceremoniously stuff you in the cargo hold otherwise.



Dude! Opening fire on your own soldiers!? What the fuck, Kefka!?



Doubly not cool! That's my party you're mercilessly slaughtering in cutscene form! At least Leo checks on them to make sure they're okay.



My question exactly!

Kefka "Hehehe... Just fulfilling the Emperor's orders. We're to collect as many Eidolon Magirocks as possible. And look! Look at all of the Eidolons here to turn into Magirock!!"
*The screen pans to show the Eidolons*
*Kefka launches something at Yura, and the screen flashes yellow*



YURA, NO!



As you can imagine, the other two don't last long after that either. Kefka even silently laughs his butt off after each brutal murder and collected Magirock.

I have to admit, the other two sticking around after Yura ate it was pretty stupid of them.

*Kefka walks up to his soldiers, the screen panning with him*
Kefka "This village is bland, so let's make it more interesting! Burn it!"
*The soldiers drive their mini-mecha into place and start torching things with flashes of red and explosion sounds*
*Kefka just laughs and Leo takes a step towards him*
Leo "Kefka! Stop!"
*Kefka takes a step to the side to face Leo and gets pissed*
Kefka "Shut up!"
*Kekfa walks over to face the last remaining Majick Armor rider, and points to him*
Kefka faces Leo again as the last rider walks over and blasts him too*
*Kefka hops over to Leo's prone form and gives his awesome laugh again*

Things are not looking good. Who can possibly save the day now?



General Leo can, of course! Yes, we're in control of this supreme badass of a general.



And he's well equipped, too! The Warrior's Proof (aka. Offering or Master's Scroll) gives him 4 hits per attack ala the !Scatter Shot command in FF5, the Aegis Shield makes him magically untouchable, and the Crystal Sword is several levels of badass higher than anything the party can hold right now.



Bring it! I know Kung Fu!



Oh, not this thing again!



Still immortal, I see. Fine fine, we'll run...



Then we'd better kick Kefka's ass, hadn't we?



FIGHT IT OUT



♪♪ Battle ♪♪

Yeah, Kefka's not gonna take many of those before he croaks.



And after 4 Shocks Kefka bravely runs away, as is his nature.



That's not ominous or anything, no siree.

♪♪ Ghastra's Empire ♪♪
*Leo walks center battlefield and looks around*
Leo "Kefka...... Where are you......? Show yourself!!"
Kefka "Em pe ror Ghas tra...... Come here...... Yes, yes..."
*Ghastra appears in a puff of smoke at the top of the battlefield*
Emperor Ghastra "Leo......"
*Leo faces Ghastra*
Leo "Emperor!"
*Leo walks right and kneels before his liege*
Emperor Ghastra "Leo. In the end, I decieved you, as well. From the beginning, I only wanted to get my hands on more Magirock. This has been my true intention from the start."
*Leo stands up and faces the Emperor*
Leo "Emperor. But, then......"
*Leo kneels again*
Emperor Ghastra "Don't speak, Leo. I know that this is very confusing to you."
*Leo walks in front of Ghastra, facing left*
Kefka "Hehehe... You heard the Emperor! Our top priority is to gather more Magirocks!"
*Leo faces his liege*
Leo "But, Emperor, what have I been......?"
Emperor Ghastra "Leo, I suggest you rest for a while. For a very long while! Hehehe..."
*Another puff of smoke, and Ghastra vanishes!*
*And another puff of smoke, and Kefka is in his place!*
*Leo steps back, horrified!*
Leo "!!!"
Kefka "So, you thought you could defeat me...... But you only defeated an illusion! Of course, that cowardly Emperor Ghastra was a mere illusion, as well! I never understood why he relied on his lesser general so much. Always, always......."



Lines like that never preclude anything good.

Leo "K, Kefka...... Damn you......"
Kefka "Hehehe...... I'll simply have to report that Leo has betrayed his Emperor's will!"
*Kekfa hops and there's a horrible slashing noise!*



Okay, that's definitely not good.



Welp, so much for Leo, then. And for Thamasa. And for the world.

Kefka loses no time in tossing Leo's corpse about. What an ass.



But just as he's laughing it up in his victory, the screen flashes deep blue a few times and whooshing noises sound! Kefka blinks, but that helps nothing.



And the world was like fire! The screen flashes as loud blasting noises fire off!



It, it's pulsating through the very ground below me."

He sounds supremely unconcerned about this. I wonder why that might be?



A lone pebble falls from the rubble blocking the Sealed Gate, as the earth trembles, and...!



The boulders fly away in a flash! Lightning flashes as the Gate opens!



♪♪ Metamorphosis ♪♪

More Eidolons are here to save the day!

*Zone Seeker and a wolf fly by!*
"Hurry!!"
*Shiva flies by!*
"Come on!!"
*Kirin, Bismarck, Carbuncle, and Phantom fly by!*



They take a fly-over and head straight to Thamasa!



The soldiers are freaking out, but Kefka's just having a laugh!

After all, more Magirock can't possibly be a bad thing." {It sure can be in YOUR hands, asshole!}
*Kefka gets serious*
Kefka "Now, to make some Magirock!"
*Kefka takes a step down and raises his hands in the air*
Kefka "First off, I suppose I should neutralize your magical abilities, hmm?"
*The screen starts to flash and bubbling noises sound*
*The soldiers all stop panicking and get engulfed in the flashing light*
*Kefka laughs silently, then gets serious again*
Kefka "Now, Eidolons. Let's get to the fun part."
*Kefka tosses some spells into the air and gets a few more Magirocks, silently laughing each time*
*The screen flashes in multicolored protest!*
Kekfa "So, you want to fight me? Fine, I'll gladly take you to your grave."



This isn't gonna go well for you, Not-Efreet.



Oft-missed tidbit: Kefka has a Flame Shield equipped, meaning when he doesn't block fire attacks from this guy, he absorbs them. Clever! He laughs it up as the spells heal him and the last one misses.



Hehe..."
*Kefka starts chanting*
Kefka "Now, let's make this quick, and turn you into Magirock so you can help build up the Magirock Empire of 'Kefka'!" {Sounds like Kefka's rebelling against the Emperor. Wonder what Ol' Greybeard will think of that.}
*Kefka fires off a spinning trail of dots that engulfs Not-Efreet into a hole in space-time!*
*Magirock pops out of the hole, and Kefka walks over and grabs it*



I just wanted to point out that this particular sprite for Magirock is never used before or after this scene.

Kefka "Ohohoho! It feels so warm! It's filled with power!!"
*Kefka laughs silently and the battle ends*

Even though this is entertaining, I might as well just get this over with now."
*Kefka chants quickly and tosses off 7 spells in 7 directions*



Hey, now he's got more Magirock than we do!

*A flash and a spark as Kefka catches the rocks!*
*Kefka laughs silently again*
Kefka "Hya hya hya... Well, that should be enough Magirock for now, hmm? The rest of you can wait until I've breached your precious Sealed Gate."
*Kefka blinks a bit*



You and me both, Kefka. You and me both. And he awesome-laughs one last time as the scene fades out.



♪♪ Awakening ♪♪

*Tina steps up and places an entire rose hedge on Leo's grave*
*Tina steps back and looks down*
Tina "All humans seem to seek power... Do they really want to be like me...?"
*Tina looks up after a moment*
Tina "What's more... I wanted to learn so much from you......"
*Everyone looks down*

Yeah, I never know what to say at a funeral, either.



Oh no! Our ninja's doggie is hurt!

*Everyone goes back to normal, facing Interceptor*
Lock "Not only did General Leo die, but Shadow, too...... Damn the Empire!"
*Relm and Celes walk below and above Interceptor, and Lock bandages the canine up*
Lock "This is the best we can do."
*Celes walks over a bit, and Stragos takes a step down*
Celes "He was so kind." {Who, Shadow? Lady, you didn't know Shadow very well, did you?}
*Relm walks up to Interceptor*
Relm "Relm will stick with you." {And thus some of the most disturbing porn ever got its roots.}
Lock "Now I'm worried about Edgar and the others, left behind in the Empire."
Tina "I hope they're safe..."



♪♪ Under Martial Law ♪♪

Right on cue, there's the airship flying to Thamasa!



But you did! Thank goodness; this game would've been hellishly hard with only Tina, Lock, Celes, Strago, and Relm for party member choices. Oh, and no airship, that'd be problematic too.

*Cayene walks up near the tree and faces down*
Cayene "We managed to escape because we were forewarned. We have sir Edgar to thank for that, sirs."
*Lock nods to himself*
Lock "He really is a hell of a king."
*Edgar walks front and center, no doubt grinning smugly*
Edgar "I got my information out of the girl that brought us tea."
*Edgar laughs to himself*
*Matias ponders*
Matias "......Probably used your 'special talents' on her, hmm?"
*Edgar waves his finger*
Edgar "Still your tongue, there are ladies present. How can you suggest such an impolite possibility? I was a gentleman. Gen-tle-man." {Gentlemen?}
*Lock steps forward, looking off to the others but not facing them*
Lock "General Leo was killed. Because of Kefka!"
*Cayene is shocked!*
Cayene "Sir Leo is...!? Ah, how horrible...... He was one of the few truly understanding people left in the Empire..."



Hear hear!

*Strago walks up behind Lock and taps him on the shoulder*
Strago "May I also come along?"
*Edgar walks a bit closer*
Edgar "Who are you?"
*Lock faces down*
Lock "He's a resident of this village."
Tina "His people have the blood of the Majick Warriors running through their veins. Their power could prove useful."
*Edgar's still confused, poor lout*
Strago "I don't want to die without discovering the Empire's motives, and why they misuse their power so." {Because power corrupts, duh. You can go die now.}
*Relm starts pumping her fists*
Relm "Relm, too!"
*Strago shakes his head*
Strago "Not a chance."
*Matias walks closer and laughs*



Truly!



Whoa, Relm! Watch the potty mouth there!

*Matias gets all confrontational*
Matias "Ha! This kid's got a foul mouth. My kind of kid."
*Relm puts on her game face*
Relm "Grr... Relm will paint your portrait!"
*Lock, Strago, and Tina freak out!*
"Uwaah! Stop, stop!"
*Matias doesn't see why that's a threat, unsurprisingly*
*Strago nods to himself and Relm looks smug*
Strago "Right, right. You can come along."
Relm "Good."
*Matias raises his fist again*
Matias "C'mon, let's go."
*Everyone walks off*



Edgar "How old are you?"
Relm "Ten."
*Edgar pats his head; Relm's confused*
Relm "Strange old man. Relm is coming, too."
*Relm runs off*
*Edgar looks down*
Edgar "That's just criminal...... Don't even think of it."

So not touching that line. Anyway, that concludes this week's update. Tune in next week when we make preparations to take on the Empire and no doubt blaze Vector to reclaim those stolen Magirocks! It should be glorious!

Oh yeah, *that* picture...

Well, that's an interesting detail revealed by your glitch.

Yeah, the game can't load a battle scene without loading at least a player character sprite. For scenes with no player characters like this one, they usually either hide it behind the textbox or render it transparent (that happens far less often).

It's a shame, too, because that sprite's far prettier than the out-of-battle one.

Last time on A Tale of Two Scripts, we tromped through a cave, checked out an old war memorial, and beat Ultros for the third time. Oh, and Kefka killed General Leo and a majority of the world’s Esper population, gathering their Magicite. Details, details. Afterward, Setzer and the gang came to pick up Terra, Locke, and our two new party members; Shadow’s nowhere to be found right now.

(Oh, and apologies for how short this update is. All blame goes to the fine people running games in the Virtual Tabletop II thread.)


Strago: No!!!


GESTAHL: Oh, those silly Espers! To think they opened the gate themselves! The Statues should be just ahead. If we can just get our hands on them, we’ll have everything we ever dreamed of!
[KEFKA starts laughing.]
GESTAHL: Come quickly!


Terra: The island... The world is groaning in pain...


GESTAHL: Fuwa, ha, ha! Now THIS is power! This, and my Magicite... now nothing can stop me!


Strago: It is said that they somehow neutralized each other’s power, then sealed themselves away... If the 3 statues should ever be moved out of alignment, the resulting inbalance of power would... ...rearrange the face of our planet...
Terra: What?!


This is the first time we’ve been able to go where we want since our crash landing near Maranda at the end of update 16. We can immediately go to the new dungeon if we wanted, but it’s a good idea to get some stuff done first. It’s a good time to make sure everyone’s got up-to-date equipment from Thamasa, to go hit up the Auction House in Jidoor if there’s anything you didn’t have the cash (or patience – I mean, cripes, how many talking chocobos can those guys sell?) to get earlier.


Of course, I take the chance to teach Mog some new Dances. Desert Aria gives Mog access to the following attacks:

Sand Storm – Wind attack on all enemies
Antlion – A pit opens up and causes Instant Death to one enemy
Wind Slash – Wind attack on all enemies; same as Wind Song’s 7/16 chance attack
Kitty – A kitty (or meerkat, depending on your translation) Hastes all allies

Sand Storm is just like Wind Slash, only slightly weaker and it can be blocked. Wind Slash is just the same here as in Wind Song, only it’s about a third as likely to be used and it doesn’t share the move list with an all-party heal. Kitty could be nice but it’s so unlikely to happen that it’s useless – random chance is alright for damage, but not buffs. Ant Lion is just like the Snare attack from Dusk Requium, except that if my spoilers are correct it can’t affect Undead or prevent on-death effects like Snare can. I have to believe these spoilers, because there’s pretty much no reason I’d ever actually use Desert Aria. No, probably not even in the desert, what few battles there are there.


Generally people pick up the next dance in Zozo, but not me. With the Empire out of South Figaro, this is the perfect time to go back to the tunnels under the rich man’s house to pick up the things I was too sissy to get before with just Locke and Celes. My haul includes a Heavy Shld, RegalCutlass, X-Potion, Ether, Ribbon, and Mog’s Love Sonata:

Elf Fire – Spooky blue flames deal unblockable Fire damage to an enemy.
Specter – Spooky blues flames and a ghost of Mog Confuse one enemy
Snare – This is the same attack as Dusk Requium
Tapir – A tapir appears and cures the target of Dark, Zombie, Poison, Imp, Petrify, Condemned, Mute, Berserk, Confuse, Seizure, Sleep, Slow, and Stop

At 72 spell power, Elf Fire is actually the second strongest Dance attack (the strongest is Forest Suite’s 1/16 chance attack, Wombat), though the single-target aspect limits its usefulness. Specter’s about as useful as Confuse ever is, and Snare is still nice but won’t come up much. Tapir is the only way I know to cure Condemned, but that doesn’t come up often and simply ending the battle quickly or using normal restoratives if you can’t do that are much more reliable answers to that status.


When you do finally decide to head to the Floating Continent, the game forces you to make a party of no more than three characters. I go with Setzer, Sabin, and Mog because they’re pretty much my favorites. If I’d been trying to optimize purely mechanically, I’d probably replace Mog and Setzer with Edgar and one of the magic users; maybe Locke for the sake of stealing Genji Gloves from an upcoming monster.


As we start flying up to the Floating Continent, little flying machines are spotted below us.
“Uh, oh!!! The Imperial Airforce (IAF)!”
“We’re surrounded! Let’s give’em a bloody lip!”

These guys aren’t very difficult (Diffuser hits everyone for less than 200), but it’s a gauntlet. Wave after wave of IAF forces hits you, and my team isn’t exactly set up for endurance. Not to mention my trick of leaving everyone in the back row to halve physical damage doesn’t really work when you’re surrounded. On the plus side, airships count as native terrain for Wind Song, so Mog has about a 37% chance to heal the entire party for about 2/3rds of their health on each of his Hasted turns. It’s not terribly reliable healing (Setzer ends up dead at one point), but it’s the best this team has.

While it might sound like I’m giving Wind Song a back-handed compliment here, I’m not. Spit Fires and Sky Armors are both weak to Wind and Lightning, so between Wind Slash, Sunbath, and Plasma Mog has a 15/16 chance of doing something to really mess up the enemy’s day each turn he uses Wind Song. That doesn’t stop me from wishing I had a bit more reliable in-combat healing right now.


Oddly enough, Spit Fires aren’t tagged as Flying enemies. Less amusing is that despite their name they have a habit of using the Ice-element attack Absolute 0, which hits the entire party with almost twice the power of Diffuser. A single Sunbath will still clear that right up, though.

Sky Armors aren’t nearly as intimidating. Their primary attacks are Tek Laser, which is single target and weak, and Backlash, which Mutes a single target. Not horribly frightening in our completely non-chanting team here.
“Something... curious...approaches!!”


“this is our LAST battle! Trust me!”
Man, it better be, Ultros. This is probably the easiest battle against Ultros in the game – he has about 75% of the health he had last time and worse attack and defense stats than the first time we fought him. Mog dances the Wing Song as usual, Sabin Fire Dances for massive damage, and soon enough we’ve got Ultros on the ropes.
Ultros: I lose AGAIN! Well, today I’ve brought a pal! Mr. Chupon! Come on down!


“Fungahhh!”
Ultros: Mr. Chupon’s taciturn, but terribly powerful! Better not irritate him! He gets hungry when he’s irritated...
Eh, Chupon’s alright in battle. His stats are higher than Ultros’ at least, but he only has ten thousand HP (Ultros started with 17K and summoned this help once he was under 12,800, if you’re curious) and the battle’s over once you beat him. You don’t have to kill Ultros to win here, and if you’re playing a party that lets you actually target your attacks its probably better if you don’t bother. The problem here for me is that Chupon absorbs Fire so Sabin’s best attack against Ultros is going to heal the big bag of wind. My solution is to focus on killing Ultros first, just because.


H-Bomb finishes off the octopus king and a minute later Chupon succumbs to repeated Plasmas, Aurabolts, and many, many facefuls of Setzer’s darts.


Naturally he replies by Sneezing the entire party off the Blackjack. Now, if Baren Falls taught us anything it’s that you can’t take a long fall in this world without a fight, and this is no different.


This is the only screenshot of Air Force I’ll be showing you. If you could see how nasty the others look, you’d thank me – the constantly scrolling background was apparently hell on the video codec I used to record this playthrough and most of the fight is a horrible muddy mess.

Laser Gun and MissileBay make for a terrifying combo – the MissileBay can use Launcher to put all party members into critical health while the Laser Gun uses attacks that will hit all party members. Air Force itself isn’t a huge threat until you kill one of its attachments, at which point it launches a little magic-absorbing green ball called Speck. The Speck doesn’t do anything but absorb all magic and have a sky-high defense stat (but very low HP), but at the same time Air Force starts a countdown to using a powerful all-target attack called Wave Cannon.

The standard strategy is to take out the MissileBay first to prevent Launcher attacks, finish off the Laser Bay afterward to prevent its powerful attacks, kill the Speck with defense-piercing attacks like Atma Weapon or Pummel to allow magic, and then finally take out the Air Force, hopefully before it’s had six turns to charge up the Wave Cannon (or three on subsequent uses of the Cannon). With this party that’s not going to happen; all my attacks are either unimpressive, randomly targeted, or are multitarget no matter what.

I have Mog use Wind Song; Water Rondo would be a little better for dealing damage, but it’s not as likely to heal us and isn’t guaranteed to work here like Wind Song is. Between Wind Slash, Fire Dance, and Chocobop/7-Flush the MissileBay is killed before it can do more than get off a couple of its single-target Missile attacks. The Laser Gun doesn’t have much more HP and is finished off soon after, along with Speck (which can’t absorb any of my attacks despite their doing magic damage). If I’d had Locke with me, he could have tried to steal a Debilitator from the Laser Gun, a Tool that assigns a random elemental weakness to an enemy that we’ll be able to buy in a little while anyway. Air Force itself only has 8000 HP to the MissileBay’s 3000, and after all these multitarget attacks I’m able to take it out by the time the countdown hits 2

After all that, Setzer sticks the landing on the Floating Continent. Right in front of us are a blessed, blessed save point and a certain man in black.


“We thought you were a goner!”
Shadow: Is Interceptor all right?
“He’s fine. Come on, let’s go!”
Shadow: Forget about me.
“We can’t just leave you!”
And with that, Shadow is forced back into the party. I won’t ask why he’s here, though I am kind of curious – the Floating Continent is made up of that mountainous region on the east side of the Southern Continent, and Interceptor rejoined us in Thamasa, half a world to the north. That’s quite the separation they had there.


I’ve always thought the Floating Continent is one of the creepier areas of the game. The entire place has a very organic (in the “last level of Contra” sense of the word) feel to it, from the fleshy colors and lack of sharp edges to the way it’s constantly shifting.


Not the mention the disturbingly sphincter-esque way you get between areas of the dungeon.

Monster highlights of the dungeon include:


Suplexing Behemoths.


Sabin getting hit by L.5 Death, a Lore Strago could have learned if he’d been here.


A Gigantos hiding in a box. This guy has high HP but nil defense, and he hits like a speeding train. He counters all attacks with two basic attacks and a Throat Jab, which did around 600 damage total to Sabin while he was in the back row. His normal Fight command consists of three Throat Jabs in a row, which is likely to kill just about anyone in the front row.

If you’re having trouble, Shadow can give himself Invisibility by throwing one of those Inviz Edges you might have picked up from the merchant in front of the crazy old man’s house way back at the start of Sabin’s scenario – all of Gigantos’ attacks are physical, so he can’t touch an Invisible character. Gigantos drops a dagger for Shadow that gives him an extra fifteen points of attack over his current weapon, in exchange for small hits to Speed and Mag.Pwr.


Wirey Drgns have a 33% chance to use Cyclonic when alone. This has only a 75 Hit Rate but anyone hit by it is reduced to 1/16th of their current HP. It’s also one of several attacks that are tagged as Instant Death but can’t directly kill you; as such, a Memento Ring or similar trinket will protect against it.


Misfits are the new Ing, only these guys are nice enough to start off the fight with Lifeshaver, healing up our Gaia Geared Mog and Sabin before Behemoth can kill them.


And this Dragon opened up battle with Revenge, doing 0 damage. If you have the patience (not to mention endurance; these guys aren’t weak) you can get Genji Gloves from them as rare Steal. They tend to Sneeze after taking damage, knocking the attacker out of battle.


And finally, Ninjas like the one we fought back in the Cave Before the Sealed Gate. They’re a little more numerous here, but still no real threat.

As for the dungeon, most of it’s a straight shot. This part gave me a little trouble way back when because you have to backtrack to a former dead end to proceed, but the view they give of the piece that collapses doesn’t give you a very good idea of where it is and with all the Behemoths and Dragons running around this place wandering around aimlessly isn’t all that much fun here.


There’s always time to enjoy the view of the world from far above, though.


We hit this switch and the sphincter forward opens up. It’s also the path to get back to the Blackjack, which you may have noticed hovering below in a previous screenshot. That’s a must if you have anything left you want to do before confronting the big bad; I’ll use it to head back to the Veldt and pick up Rages from monsters here (though Misfit’s Lifeshaver is about the only one worth getting and you might already have it from Ing).


Instead, after grabbing a Beret just to the east, I head south to the mid-dungeon save point. There’s nowhere for Gestahl and his freaky sidekick Kefka to run to now, and next week we’ll finally be able to throw down with them.

Part XX - Eye of the Hurricane

So, recap! Last time was not fun times for our intrepid crew of misfits, monarchs, man-children, and mutants. The Empire played a double-cross on them, their one Man on the Inside died at the hands of the guy who was supposed to be locked away forever, and now their attempted peace settlement has just made the Empire ten times stronger. The party's about to go blitz Vector in a blaze of glory to reclaim the Magirocks of the fallen Eidolon! Let's watch!



Wait, what? Not to Vector?

Strago "Oh, no!"
*Strago takes a few steps forward and looks down*

What's the dealie-o, Strago?



Oh. Right. The gate's kinda still open. Well fuck.

Ghastra "Oh, those stupid Eidolons! They actually opened the Sealed Gate themselves. The Three Gods of Battle should be just beyond the doors...... Soon, my dream of conquering all shall come into fruition!"
*Kefka awesome-laughs as Ghastra moves forward*
Ghastra "Come, hurry."
*Kefka's SHOCKED that Ghastra would interrupt his laugh, then pissed*
*The two enter the Sealed Gate*

So I guess... um... to the Sealed Gate? Yeah, let's do that instead.



Tina "The island...!? The earth...... It's screaming in pain......"
*Tina looks up and blinks a few times*

What does that even mean?



We get a slow pan over the Sealed Gate's huge-ass island for some reason, but... why?



This looks pastoral. I don't know where it is, but they seem to be enjoying themselves either way.



♪♪ Catastrophe ♪♪

OH HOLY CRAP!



The entire ISLAND is lifting into the sky!?



And apparently it's flying over to Jidoor. Why is anyone's guess.



Yep, that's a flying island alright.



Why, the entire world will be mine!!!"

So his plan is to (you guessed it) take over the world.



Tina "Those are...?"
Strago "It is said that they neutralized one another's powers by turning themselves to stone while facing one another."
Strago "Were the three to be moved out of their order, the balance of their powers would collapse, and the world would be ruined..."
Tina "What!?"
*Tina blinks again*

That sounds like trouble. We'd better do something about it!



♪♪ Blackjack ♪♪

After we go level up our abilities a bit. I mean come on, this is so obviously the last dungeon! You can't storm the last dungeon with a party of half-prepared ne'er-do-wells!



♪♪ Tina's Theme ♪♪

So to Triangle Island it is, with more Smoke Bombs on hand, to tame the Sleeping Lions for their precious 10 magic experience a pop!



♪♪ Battle ♪♪

...Or I WOULD, except that for some reason I cannot fathom, Smoke Bombs stopped working on them! So I was stuck hunting in the Bomb Forest. Bagged a Grenade, at least...

♪♪ Cayene's Theme ♪♪

After I'm satisfied enough, it's time to do a world tour! Doma Castle's got some nice goodies for us.



♪♪ Under Martial Law ♪♪

Alburg has some new dialogue for us too! I thought that continent flew over Jidoor? Hmm, wonky physics at work here...

Man "People from the Empire are disappearing...? And on top of that, an island is floating in the sky... I have a baaad feeling about this..."
Merchant "Ergh, thanks to that island flying in the sky, this entire town is now shrouded in darkness!"



♪♪ Kids Running Through the City Corner ♪♪

South Figaro is still rejoicing from their occupation, naturally. Though it seems like a lot of people say the same stuff they said at the start of this little adventure still...

In the Mansion
Maid "The Empire just vanished, like a puff of smoke."
Man "The Empire just vanished, like a puff of smoke."

Pub
Old Man "Freedom is the best!"
Dancer "The Empire just vanished, like a puff of smoke."
Thief "Can we really keep the peace intact?"

Ex-Servant's House
Old Man "Now I can drink my wine in peace."

Duncan's House
Duncan's Wife "Even though peace has returned, the master has not."

Seems to me that South Figaro has a nasty case of Repeat-itis.



♪♪ Spinach Rag ♪♪

The Opera House is apparently doing non-stop showings of Casparelli or something, so we can't revisit that. Boo!



Okay, time to finish this. Let's see what the airship crew has to say.

Mog "Kupopo~!"
Gau "Gau get stronger on the Veldt."
Edgar "Now isn't the time to get cocky. We need to consider making a new strategy."
Matias "I'll rip the Empire to shreds with my power!"
Setzer "The most important thing...? To have no obligations, so you're free to gamble without risk!" {I don't think Setzer quite gets how gambling works...}
Cayene "We cannot allow the accursed Empire to continue like this, sirs!"
Lock "Peace will be returned thanks to us!"
Tina "I'm alright. I'm sure that peace is on the near horizon......"
Relm "Hey, hey. Relm can draw their portraits!"
Strago "I have never witnessed anything like this in all of my years on this planet..."

Wow, we've got a lot of peeps on the ship, huh? Anyway, enough lollygagging! Let's gate-crash the Empire!



"Only three people can go! The rest must stay on board!"

Oddly arbitrary requirement, particularly considering we've got 10 people to storm the place, but whatever.



I chose the classic party because Lucas didn't. Nyah!



♪♪ Save Them! ♪♪

Into the sky!



What the hell are those things?



"Come on! Let's give them a greeting they'll never forget!"

Random encounter time!



I'm not kidding, either. As you stand on the deck of the airship, you'll keep getting forced into fights. This continues until...



Whats coulds thats be?



A... flying snotball?



A flying snotball that keeps familiar company!

Honest! Honest!

Yeah, we'll see about THAT.



"Urg, I always lose...... But today, I've brought an ally along! Typhon, come out!"

O RLY?



"Fungaaah!"

YA RLY!



"Typhon may be the silent type, but he's really powerful!"

I'll believe it when I see it, squiddo.



Really powerful my ass.



"You'd be wise not to offend him~! He can be really mean when he's mad~! He might just make a meal of you~!"

You're all talk and no show, Orthros. This guy's a complete pushover!



Okay, so he has ONE attack that doesn't completely suck. But that doesn't save him from the scrappy heap.



Hey no fair! He sneezed at us and it knocked us off the ship!



Going DOOOOOOOOOWN!



♪♪ Decisive Battle ♪♪

Okay, this makes no goddamn sense. We're fighting a boss while standing ON THE AIR. This is wrong on so many levels, I have a hard time even beginning to describe why it makes no goddamn sense.



The Bit can absorb all magic!

How annoying! Reminds me of the Negator from FFX, only this one just acts as a Runic instead of sealing all magic attacks.



Ah shit a countdown?

...That's it? Missile is doing more damage to me than THAT!



After stealing an insanely hard-to-snatch Weak Maker from the launcher, the party just Thundara'd the crap out of Air Force and won. Well, that was anticlimactic. Given the fact that we spent the last 10 minutes falling, I guess that would mean we were somewhere around the STRATOSPHERE when we jumped.



♪♪ The New Continent ♪♪

Of course we land safe and sound on the floating continent, as opposed to becoming a smear on the ground far below like what should have happened.



Indeed indeed.

Floating Continent
Enemies: Behemoth, Ninja, Dragon, Misfit, Codger, Platinum Dragon, Apocrypha



They do that, yes.

"We thought you were dead for sure......"
*Shadow gets up and looks sidelong to his right*
Shadow "How's Interceptor?"
"He's alright. His wound is healing. Come on, let's go."
Shadow "Don't waste your time with me."
"We can't just leave you here, though!"
*The party forces Shadow to join*

Woo, new ally! ...New ally who knows how to do basically nothing. Crapcakes!



Crap, dead end. This must be the end of our journey, then.



Of course it's not. The entire continent changes as we travel it. This can lead to problems later.



The treasures are all in weird blue spheres here, too.



The old RPG standby, trapped chests, also make a return.



This bastard is nasty. The best way to deal with him is Vanish + Death. He gives a Piercing Katana for Shadow to equip, which doesn't help much here since all of the enemies are BASTARD-ASS HARD!



To move around this place, you purposely fall into these weird little mounds that swallow you and spit you out of other weird mounds. This continent is making me uncomfortable.



Oh, and there's switches to open the way at times too. Yep, this is so very much the last dungeon that I don't even have to say it's the last dungeon. So very much.



And we'll have to finish this very-much-the-last-dungeon next time, because we will need time to let the credits roll and all that, won't we? Come back next week for the thrilling conclusion of Final Fantasy VI!

...

Weak Maker?

I'm not sure if that's terrible or hilarious.

Oh man, I remember how awe-inspiring this sequence was when I played this for the first time. Really, the whole first half of FFVI is pretty amazing, but the whole build-up of Leo's death, the world splitting to form the floating continent, and then all the chaos that ensues once you get there was more epic than anything I had ever experience before.

It's telarious. Or possibly hilorrible. Yes, that is yet another case where I went with a word-for-word transliteration of the Japanese version's name for something.

I always wondered what those people were doing hanging out there. I mean, there's only one way onto the part of the continent that was torn up into the sky, and that's through a military base.

Hey, it worked when we jumped off a waterfall....

Now do it without Shell on. Not to mention Missile does damage as a fraction of your health, not normally, as I recall.

I think hilorrible needs to be permanently added to the English Language. We need a way to describe something that is hilariously horrible, or horribly hilarious if you will.

'Hilarisad' and its cousin, 'hilaribad'.

Two cases of (what I assume are) improvements-through-censorship - I think that Warring Triad has more personality than Gods of Battle (and it plays up their natures as opposing each other), and Kefka screaming "HATE HATE HATE" instead of "DIE DIE DIE," it makes him sound a lot crazier.

Also, obscure fact that I don't THINK was mentioned here - did you know it's possible to get the Genji Glove in the Returners Hideout and still have Terra agree to help?

I'm pretty sure I saw a translation script one time that made it "FUCK FUCK FUCK," but I have no idea if that's at all accurate. Or maybe that's from the end of the game.

We'll be getting to that part next time, rest assured. And there will be explanations. Oh yes, there will be explanations...

I've been thinking about this, since I definitely agree with it, and I think the part that makes "HATE HATE HATE" in improvement is that the fact it's less extreme than "DIE DIE DIE" makes it sound more petulant, like he's just throwing a tantrum. A guy with massive magical powers is just that much scarier when he has the mind of an angry little kid.

I've heard of this but I can never remember how to pull it off.

Oh it's easy. I did so for the LP, if memory serves. Just talk to him, say no, get your glove, then go back and say yes.