A Brief History of Time (Ocarina of Time)

Oh no, we're repeating conversations.

I was sucker enough to buy a rumble pak for this game, but I still showed them! I bought a knockoff version for five bucks less! It's not like I need a high standard of controller design for a little vibrating doohickey.

Vibrating doohickey has got to be the most unfortunate word choice.

Fun fact: the N64 didn't have a sound chip at all!

Nah, the boomerang pretty much sucks in this game.


All that ranting about vaginas, and now you won't make the obvious phallic analogy? Although, from the way they're segmented, they look more like huge lengths of excrement to me.


I definitely like where this is going.


You could also have just used a Cucco. But I'm compelled to collect every Heart Piece as soon as is humanly possible.

All I have to say is, the upcoming dungeon has my favorite Zelda track ever.

...so terrifying. It's just downright creepy the way those little "wa-neh wa-neh" keep on coming back at random times.

I love the Forest Temple so much, that I can't hold the somewhat grating music against it. It does a fantastic job setting the mood, but that repeating voice can give me headaches if I stay there for too long.

Someday I will hire a team of architects to construct an exact duplicate of the Forest Temple, twisting hallways and all.

And then I will live in it.

Such a creepy track. I love it too. The Song of Storms has been stuck in my head on and off for the last eleven years, though.

I wouldn't call it creepy as much as strange, but in a cool way. To be honest, though, all five of the temples have great music.

I'd say that's fairly creepy. Not many video games sound as interesting as OoT's temples.

Fuck yes forest temple. One of my favorite pieces (and dungeons) in the game. Sets the mood perfectly. Kinda creepy, kinda strange, mostly just alien.

Another vote for the Forest Temple as one of Zelda's greatest dungeons. Love the music in conjunction with those twisted corridors.

For some reason I ALWAYS get lost in the forest temple. I think I had more trouble with it than the Water Temple, and that's saying something. But I still love it. Maybe this LP will enlighten me on what the hell I always did wrong. It involved missing a key ...

Oh, and I freaking love this coming boss-fight. Great job of twisting a couple of old standards into something new and awesome. Can't wait!

Episode 11: Mr. Fan? There’s A Mr. Shit Here To See You. He Says It’s Urgent.

It’s been a while. I’ve had to deal with a few things. Balancing a real life and work with writing about a video game is Serious Business.™ It also seems like my LP is a bit too popular! I ate up all of the bandwidth in my Photobucket account and had to upgrade before I could move on with the LP. But let’s forget about all of that nonsense. The update is here now and I’m taking measures to ensure that the next one won’t be over a week away. That’s what’s important, right? Right!

This update is primarily video based, so I recommend you’re in a place where you can view videos (i.e. not work) before you enjoy the 11th episode of A Brief History of Time.

Remember when I said I would make an update while extremely drunk? Well, that’s what this is. The videos were all created while sober, but the commentary was created while I was under the influence of Seagrams 7 Crown Blended Whiskey. The actual text was written while I was under the influence of four glasses of Guiness [keep in mind that I edited it while sober, so it wouldn’t be full of spelling mistakes etc.]. You’re bound to notice some shifts in direction during the video (i.e. I yell a lot), but the text is fairly similar in style to what you've seen previously.

A Dream Come True

I recommend mixing it with 7-UP. That’s called “7 and 7”. They’re delicious. Seagrams by itself is just cheap whiskey which…man, that is not delicious at all.

Video Summary: With the three MacGuffins of Justice in hand, Blondie heads towards Hyrule Castle to do whatever the hell it is he's going to do with these things. But all is not well in Hyrule. Ganondorf has made his move!

As soon as Blondie holds the Sweet Potato of Time over his head triumphantly, Blondie has an acid flashback/dream sequence/telepathic message/whatever.



I feel that due to the way this sentence is worded, I should be able to make a joke about Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret....but I just can’t come up with one. That’s alright. I made the reference and I’m sure you can all think of crass period blood-related jokes on your own.







Well, alright. Now…what exactly are we supposed to do once we open that again? I remember you said we’d get the Triforce before Ganondorf did but…uh, how exactly do we go about doing that? Is it just sitting there once you open the door or what?



…right. You don’t know either, do you?

Let’s Become Indentured Servants: Part Um…Whatever

Before we head off to go visit the Triforce, it’s time to wrap up the mask sidequest as promised. If you’ll remember, we have a Bunny Hood we need to get rid of. The person who is looking for the Bunny Hood is the most difficult NPC to find in the entire game. He’s a runner who makes laps around Lon Lon Ranch. He only shows up after a particular point in the game and he can be very difficult to find if you’re not familiar with his route. At night he’ll stop to rest, which makes him considerably easier to find. But screw that; we’re gonna find this guy during the day! That’s how Blondie rolls!

Not by choice, mind you.

Just move it.



What the…? Oh snap, you were right!



Jeez laweez, what is that?

Falco? I already finished that LP, get out of here!

I guess I should be thankful!



Peahats! Cheese it, Blondie!!!



I know you can’t tell, but we’re now being chased by two Peahats at this point.

Now he tells me!



This guy doesn’t quit! My Boomerang didn’t stun him either! Navi, what’s his weakness?

Hey! You really shouldn’t stun potential customers, Blondie!

Bombs will work, right? I can blow his legs off!

Hey, stop it!

I have to do something! This guy is on crack! He won’t stop!

That’s a good point. This guy has to be on something serious in order to be able to move this quickly for such a long period of time. PCP, perhaps?







…something very serious.



This is why this mask is so important. The amount of money this character pays you will change depending on which wallet you own. He will fill your wallet completely when you sell him this mask. So, technically, the smart thing for me to do would’ve been to hunt down a massive amount of Gold Skulltulas and get the biggest wallet, blow all the money I had on, I dunno, hookers or something and th-

WHAT THE HELL WHY DIDN’T YOU DO THAT?!

*sigh* - and then get my wallet filled. But I’m too lazy and, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter since money is useless in this game. So screw it; we’re done with this mask nonsense.



By the way, Peahats don’t attack you at night. Remember that if you ever have to travel through an area that’s heavily populated with pineapple helicopter monsters.

Sure thing, bro.







Finally, the Mask of Truth! …which does basically nothing for us. It does allow us to speak with Gossip Stones and learn some backstory for the characters of OoT, but very little else.



Once the Mask of Truth is unlocked, Blondie gets access to three other masks: the Gerudo, Goron, and Zora Masks. Unlike their counterparts in OoT’s sequel, Majora’s Mask, these masks have no noticeable affect on gameplay. They do elicit some interesting responses from NPCs, though.



Earlier in the LP, someone suggested that I simply backflip over the fence that I threw the Bomb Flower from to open Dodongo’s Cavern. Instead, I planted a bean and was planning on coming back later and showing you all the proper way to getting this Heart Piece. But screw it; I don’t feel like it and backflips are totally sweet. Let’s break this game. One more and we’ve got a new Heart Piece!

Thanks to the warp in Goron City, Blondie is able to make it back to the Forest Stage with relative ease. Let’s try showing our Deku friends the Mask of Truth!



Nice to see you again, too.



Damn right you will. I had to make Blondie come back all this way for it.

Damn right! I had to do that thing he just said!



This is totally useless but hey; why not? Fun Fact: due to a weird bug, if you don’t get this upgrade before going to the Temple of Time, you cannot get it. Ever. Good work, Nintendo!

But that’s enough of this. We’ve got more important matters to attend to. Let’s go get the Triforce before Ganondorf does!

The Door of Something-or-Other





In a previously un-screenshotted area of Hyrule Castle Town lies the Temple of Time. It’s very pretty looking isn’t it?

Now let’s go get the Triforce! After all, what’s the worst that could happen?

Video Summary: It's time to use the three Jujubees of Providence to open the Door of Time! But what poorly coded secrets lie beyond?

Unforseen Consequences

Well, do you have any other good ideas, Zelda?

Video Summary: Hey, let's open the door to the most supreme power in the universe. What's the worst that could happen?

Guest starring: an old man with a bitchin' moustache who may/may not be an owl.

Well, it looks like we screwed up pretty bad. Thanks to us, Ganondorf has the Triforce, the Sacred Realm has been turned into a realm of evil (an event that will have repercussions in multiple Zelda games), and Hyrule has turned into a world of monsters.

Man, we screwed up Blondie. Pinkie from A Link the Past is very upset with you.

Oh come on! I’m sure it’s not that bad! I mean, how different could it be?



That's...that's a little different...

Next Time on A Brief History of Time: With the odds stacked severely against him and no usable equipment to speak of available, Blondie must search for new weapons and allies to aid him in his fight against the Great King of Evil, Ganondorf. As he begins to explore the transformed Hyrule, Blondie is met with adversity at every corner. With the help of friends both new and old, Blondie begins to fight back the darkness that has consumed the land.

He also steals a horse and robs a few more graves. Pobody’s nerfect!

I did that again? ARGH

Edit: Okay, good to go. I need to stop doing that.

That's not the original design of the Temple of Time; what you are seeing is an artifact of the way they render large or detailed-ish rooms in the Zelda 64 engine. They actually have essentially two rooms, there, and the adjacent spaces are drawn in a very low-detail form until you get up close to them. If you look back at the lobby, there's a similar effect. The walls are just there so that they'd be invisible from most angles due to the corridor leading up to it.

It happens in other places, too, if you keep an eye out. This is just where they did the sloppiest job.

That actually makes a lot of sense. I'm familiar with the effect you're talking about when you're heading back to the lobby, I just never put it together that they were related. Between this and the lack-of-a-sound-chip thing, I think it's clear that I should never become a programmer ever.

It always pissed me off that you can't use the same equipment as an adult. Why not? I'm 28 and I can still fire a damn slingshot. And it doesn't really do anything from a gameplay perspective. You lose one projectile so you have to get a new one? Lame.

I guess the hookshot could totally break the game if you had it as a child, but there has to be better way to design it than just throwing up your hands and saying "can't use it anymore!"

Mostly, I'm just pissed that the boomerang is pretty pointless outside of the dungeon you get it, which is the last kid Link one, so you use it for like three puzzles and one boss battle and then it turns grey for the rest of the game.

God, yes. The boomerang was one of the biggest wasted ideas in the game, which is especially infuriating when you factor in just how much of a series staple it's been up to this point. I can understand why they might want to even out the number of Child/Adult Link items, but it's a real shame that the boomerang of all things had to be one of the casualties.

"Useless outside the dungeon you get it in"? Have you guys perchance played the same Ocarina of Time that I did?

You need the Boomerang for every single kid section after you get it, which includes not just Jabu-Jabu's Belly but also the Bottom of the Well and half the Spirit Temple. On top of that, there are a metric shit-ton of Skulltulas and Heart Pieces that can only (or can only easily) be gotten with the Boomerang. In my normal playthrough of Ocarina, I typically set aside the main quest after getting the third Spiritual Stone just to run around the world and collect a ton of optional stuff that you can only get with the Boomerang, so don't tell me there aren't enough places to use it.

Come on, guys. If you're wanting for places to use the Boomerang, it's because you're not looking hard enough.

You shouldn't have to look for a place to use a Zelda staple.

The Boomerang pretty much obsoletes the Slingshot/Bow, though, and as an offensive item it's much better than the Hookshot. I can understand why the designers didn't want you having it equipped for 95% of the game.

If the game gave you the Boomerang in the first dungeon, people would be whining about how they didn't get to use some other item enough. There's only so much game, and I think they did an admirable job making sure every item (okay, except the Ice Arrows) had its place. Compare that to Wind Waker or Twilight Princess -- their economy of item usage is much more slanted in favor of the half-dozen items you use all the time, with the others being relegated almost entirely to the occasional dungeon gimmick.

For some of those videos it sounded like "dude who's trying to act drunk" but other parts you sounded sooo drunk. ;p

Awesome update as always! I almost can't even wait for the Forest Temple.

But- but- but- ... I WANTED to use it 95% of the time!

I know it's easy to try to analyze now, but think back to when OoT came out. I don't know about you, but in every other game leading up to it, the boomerang was my default sub-weapon. I would switch to whatever I needed at the time, and then go right back to the boomerang. If I got into a sticky situation, I always new that I had my trusty return stick in my hip pocket. It was almost as natural as having the sword in the A slot.

Then OoT comes around, and oh man, it's awesome. And I run around as a kid, and get my fav Zelda item, and it's sweet. And then I get to the turning point- holy shit I'm an adult. First thing I do after the cut scenes, I go to the menu to save and dig around and - what the fuck??? My boomerang is [i]grayed out[i]? I hit puberty in my sleep and now I can't throw something at an octorock's face? Weak.

I should also mention (repeat?) that my boomerang obsession lead me to buy many, many of them, even though I never got the hang of it.

Sick dude.

Oh come now, they could have easily have balanced the Boomerang for Adult Link use if they wanted to. If they didn't want them to obsolete the Fairy Bow and Hookshot, they could have just toned down the Boomerang's attack or made it so that it only stunned airborne enemies. And even if it took over the hookshot's item-collection use, the latter's ability to pull Link over across gaps or draw enemies up-close for a beating would ensure that it's long-term use wouldn't go wasted by the clever.

Even still, that wasn't my point. I understand completely why the sealed off the boomerang from Adult use, even if it was to draw a parallel between the items locked off from each other or just because they didn't want the items to overlap. It's just that I wish they tried to let you do more with the item while you could use it - outside of a very few specific moments in the other dungeons and collecting Child Link's Gold Skultulas, there's very little time or opportunity for the item's use to really shine. It's a fun little item that doesn't get used much and it's a shame because they could have been incredibly inventive with it if they pushed for it. As it is, it just goes to waste.

Like everyone else who played this game when it came out, I was just coming off of Link to the Past, which had two awesome iterations of the boomerang, so it's limited use in Ocarina was a huge disappointment. It completely tipped the scales in Lord Jabu Jabu, which endeared me to it even more, and then the very next story element took you into the future, where Gannondorf's evil doings had apaprently messed with the tropospheric wind currents enough to disturb the fragile functionality of the boomerang. sigh.