A Brief History of Time (Ocarina of Time)

How much did the bow cost in Link's Awakening? It was definitely worth saving for that. There admittedly wasn't much worth saving for after that, and you couldn't really do it for a quest critical item...

"I thought they remade OOT with the TP engine and called it Twilight Princess?"

baZING!

How about just making it so that you don't have to buy anything, and allowing the player to get any consumables from the environment, like deku sticks/nuts?

Actual items you could just, you know, find in dungeons or through sidequests.

Episode 7: I Can’t Wait to Bomb Some Dodongos!

It’s true; I can’t wait.

Let’s Commit Genocide!



Looks like I’ve come to the right place! Just to recap, we’re here to rid Dodongo’s Cavern of…uh, Dodongos. While that may seem like genocide at first glance, it’s not. Darunia explains later that Dodongos were extinct until that man somehow brought them back in order to cut off the Gorons’ food supply and force Darunia into giving him the Spiritual Stone of Fire.

So…we’re not committing genocide so much as we are re-extincting them. Blondie must sleep like an angel at night.



This room serves as the hub for this dungeon. Each path that can be taken from here leads to another area that will eventually lead back to this main room. For a better/larger version of this kind of dungeon design, please play The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess and get to The Snow Dungeon�.



No one likes getting smoke in their eyes, no matter what the reason. Isn’t that right 1950s rock and roll sensation The Platters?



Hi. I’m Dodongo’s Cavern, star of the early section of Ocarina of Time. Blowing up walls can be dangerous. Advances in Hylian construction have made most walls and doors in Hyrule to be inexplicably bomb proof. Setting off a bomb in an area like this may result in personal injury and will definitely result in you running around chopping down blades of grass to find more bombs. The safest way to protect yourself and others is to never use bombs. But in these uncertain times, sometimes there’s just no way to get through an area unless if you make your own door. So if you’re going to use bombs or bomb-like plants, make sure you do it right.

Check the wall for discoloration. Does this wall look like it doesn’t belong here? Chances are that’s because it doesn’t!

Hit the wall with your sword. Does your sword make a light “clink” noise or a heavier “clang” noise? Clink means that this wall was not made by licensed Hylian contractors and can be broken through. Clang means that this wall was made right here in Hyrule and is made out of the toughest wall-having ingredients. Make sure you know what you’re bombing before you let one loose!

If you and your friends follow these simple tips, you’ll be bombing like a pro in no time!







These little buggers behave remarkably similar to Tektites. Their only attack is to hop around wildly at you. The catch is that once Blondie defeats the Baby Dodongo (two hits or a Jump Attack), they turn into ticking time-bombs. You only have a handful of seconds to get away from the Dodongo before it explodes. Hylian scientists speculate that Baby Dodongos explode after death because of high amounts of illegal fireworks in their diet.



This is a terrible screenshot, but it showcases something important. Whenever Navi turns green, that means that there is something Blondie can interact with nearby. But occasionally, Navi will fly far off (like she did in this picture by flying to a ledge we cannot reach) and hover around a certain area while glowing green. Later in the game we’ll be given a way to access areas like this, but for now we have to move on. For those of you playing along at home, make a mental note every time you see Navi fly off like that.



Meet our very first midboss: the Lizalfos! Lizalfos attack in groups of two, but only one Lizalfos will engage Blondie at a time. Their attack pattern is ridiculously simple. Just guard and wait for their attack, counterattack, and then guard again right away. After your counterattack, the Lizalfos will jump behind Blondie and try to attack while Blondie’s back is turned. If you’re mentally handicapped, having sex, trying to drink a beverage, trying to pack a bowl, trying to light a cigarette, left the room, aren't looking at the screen, or are legally blind, then you may have some trouble with this fight.

But otherwise, you should be laughing at how easy it is. More on this later in tonight’s update.







Adult Dodongos are much larger than the baby versions we’ve encountered up to this point. Their main attack is to take a deep breath and then exhale fire. The trick to defeating them is to stay still while they breathe in, then circle around them as they breathe out. After striking their tail a few times, Adult Dodongos lie down and explode. Hylian scientists speculate that Adult Dodongos explode after death because of high amounts of Baby Dodongos in their diet.



After contemplating the suicidal and ridiculous nature of his existence (as seen here), Blondie decided to set off a massive amount of explosives in order to cause the ceiling to cave in on him and ease his suffering forever.





Ha, try again Blondie! Now you have a way to move up to the next floor!

Statues, huh? Guess I’ve got to drag these out of the way of that chest.

Listen! These are no ordinary statues!



Uh…



OH WHAT THE FUCK

Hey! That's an Armos! They don’t like being disturbed! Why don’t you try using one of the bomb flowers in this room?

WHY DON’T YOU SHUT UP A STATUE JUST DIDN’T TRY TO EAT YOU

Hey! Calm down! You’re the one who’s acting suicidal!

You would be too if you had to put up with all of this bullshit.

(You may have noticed that Navi just spoke to Blondie. You may not like it, but this is something that I will be doing more of in the future. I promise not to overdo it. Don’t worry; it will purely be for comedic purposes.

Before starting this LP, I considered doing the entire thing from Navi’s point of view. I ultimately decided against it since it would be a pain in the ass to explain gameplay concepts and just what makes this game so special while simultaneously role playing characters within the game. But this way, I can do both and drop in and out of “character” whenever the hell I want! Hooray for being lazy!)





Remember how I said that we would run into Keese that are on fire? Well, here they are. If I was equipped with a Deku Shield and got hit by one of these, my shield would burn away. But since I have the Hylian Shield and I’m smooth like buttah, we won’t ever need to worry about this.

Hey, you remember those jagged things that ran across the floor in the top down Zeldas? Weren’t they annoying?



Well here’s a terrible screenshot of what they look like in Ocarina of Time! And guess what? They’re still very annoying!



After putting someone’s eye out and hopping across a few ledges, it’s time for a:

Video Challenge: When Lizalfos Attack!

Let’s fight an easy midboss!

Still Can’t Wait to Bomb Some Dodongos

After completely and utterly destroying the living hell out of those Lizalfos and crossing another eye switch/flame barrier room, Blondie stumbles across the prize for this dungeon.



Finally. Wait, a stomach? Eww! Gross.



What a lucky guy? So if a person blows things up in the real world, he’s a terrorist. But if you blow things up in Hyrule, that makes you a lucky guy. So does that mean that terrorists are lucky or that Blondie is a terrorist? Or both?



I. AM. AWESOME.





Upon reaching the highest level of Dodongo’s Cavern, Blondie follows a cryptic clue and drops bombs into the giant skull at the center of the cavern. As the giant Dodongo’s eyes are lit by bomb fumes, his mouth opens for no clearly discernible reason and a pathway that leads further into the dungeon opens up.



You’re welcome, spineshark.

After solving a series of puzzles I have deemed too boring to waste time talking about, it’s time for our second true boss fight!

Video Challenge: Infernal Dinosaur King Dodongo

Okay, NOW I can bomb some Dodongos!

Darunia drops out of the sky and violently congratulates Blondie for a job well done.



Isn’t having your stomach burst typically considered a bad thing?



Yes, of course. This is where Darunia tells us about the Dodongos being extinct and what-not, but you already know that. In short, it seems that Ganondorf really is up to no good, making Zelda’s previously insane request seem not that insane in retrospect.





After agreeing to become Darunia’s Sworn Brother, Blondie receives the Goron’s Ruby! Alright, that’s two out of three Spiritual Stones! We’re almost there!



I could make a gay joke here, but I think you can all come up with something on your own.



I think I will! Thanks, Darunia!

But first…it’s slapstick time!





Haha! Run, Blondie! They’re very large and hugging you would be most uncomfortable! AHAHAHA



OH MAN HE FELL DOWN! That’s funny because now he can’t get away and will be stuck in an uncomfortable situation! AHAHA Kill me now I can’t take this slapstick crap

Next Time on A Brief History of Time:



I think I will! Thanks, Darunia!

That's racism!

Oh boy, the next dungeon is terrible!

I did Jabu Jabu's belly very drunk, so I actually don't remember it. I heartily recommend this approach.

This is the first update I've read while not at work and thus able to watch the videos. Damn those are most excellent videos. I need to go back and watch the rest now!

I seem to recall that if you can kill King Dodongo with two (or three?) jump attacks with deku sticks. That's what they are good for; a deku stick has huge attack power. I think they're stronger than the Master Sword.

There's this cool glitch where if you break a Deku Stick in exactly the right way, it snaps in half but you can still use it. It stays like that until you switch items, and is indeed as powerful or moreso than the Master Sword.

Its even worse in that Master Quest version of the game and the #1 reason why I never finished that remake.

King Dodongo dies in three jump attacks from the Kokiri Sword, though, so I'm not sure you're saving yourself a ton of effort there.

Doesn't the video show three regular attacks?

Oh, man, I got stuck in there forever! I somehow managed to get past that and all the way to the temple in the desert (where you have to switch from kid/adult) and I don't think i ever made it past that. I know I never beat the master quest. That shit was bogus. All I really wanted was more/harder enemies, not impossible puzzles.

Also look forward to the most disappointing thing about OoT: The boomerang. Seriously. You get it right before becoming an adult, and then you can't use it as an adult, but it kind of sucks anyway. WW and TP kind of work in 3D, but it blows in OoT. And I loved the boomerang in 2D zelda. I've owned several boomerangs based solely on my Zelda love.

(Was there a boomerang in MM?)

You had organic boomerangs when you wore a certain transformation mask, but no boomerang item.

I am seriously reconsidering putting aside my hatred of fetch-questing to try MM now.

You should; it's one of the best Zeldas ever made.

No, I screwed it up a bit. My first attack was a regular attack instead of a Jump Attack. You'll notice that I do a Jump Attack after it because I couldn't remember if you could get two hits in or not. Apparently you can't. That's also where the 1/4 heart of damage comes from. Early Zelda bosses can typically take three hits before going down or changing form or something. It's pretty much a rule. But three Jump Attacks will kill King Dodongo. I don't know exactly how strong Deku Sticks are, but I know they're not the strongest item in the game. That honor goes to the Giant's Knife, which should be showing up a few updates from now.

Yes, it is. I don't mind playing it but I'm dreading writing about it. The same is true for the Water Temple, only moreso.

Hmm. I'll record the commentary for the boss video while drunk. How does that sound?

Perhaps the best! Besides Zelda II, natch.


That sounds like a very good plan indeed, my dear fellow.

I know that it's my favorite, anyway.

And mine. There need to be a hundred games that slavishly ape Majora's Mask. One of them is bound to be better.

Sir, I cannot imagine Jabu Jabu's belly being anywhere near as ludicrous as the Water Temple. But I haven't played the Master Quest yet, so maybe I'm wrong.

Also, I demand more Navi-Link dialogue, because that shit's always funny. Unless you're too lazy, in which case disregard this. But it's still funny as hell.

Another round of applause for Majora's Mask. It is tied (with Wind Waker) for my favorite.

Also, I am sad to hear the dungeon in the belly of the whale is even harder in the Master Quest. I'm that version along with this Let's Play, and now I am going to cry.

I think that MM is the best AND worst Zelda game at the same time. I absolutely loved it the first time I played it, and I adore the changes to the formula (a practice Nintendo has fiercely fought against since), but I find the game nigh impossible to replay. It's basically a mystery, and I already know all the answers.

I think I'll enjoy it again when my future as-of-yet-unborn kid plays through my old games (since I'm sure geek is hereditary). It'll take another decade or so to fully forget its glory.

I don't remember what's different about Jabu-Jabu in master quest. But the water temple in master quest is actually easier than the original. At least I found it less confusing.

There are cows embedded in the walls of flesh. You have to shoot them with your slingshot and they moo. It's pretty horrifying.

I was going to wait until the next update to mention it, but...yeah. Live cows embedded in Lord Jabu-Jabu's stomach lining. It's pretty much nightmare fuel.

Aren't some of the cows actually switches to open doors or move platforms or something? Man, I love Master Quest.

Some of the shit in that game is downright devious--invisible treasure chests that only reward you with rupees, switches hidden in wells...I wish I could remember more examples.