A Brief History of Time (Ocarina of Time)

It's been a while so I'm not 100% sure, but I think you could even milk some of the cows with Epona's Song as well. Which... is even more horrifying, now that I think about it.

Whatever you say, boss!

I think it's because the reworkings of the dungeon removed that devious small key glitch where you could get stuck if you somehow open the doors in a weird way. I think without that fear hanging over your head, the temple just seems much less intimidating.

I think it's because you can get the Longshot earlier than I think was intended. You can find and open its chest without touching water levels at all.

Episode 8: The Treacherous Trail and The Triangular Tits

This update is kind of short, and mostly video based. There will be more action next time, I promise. I would have had it up sooner, but Viddler was being difficult. It’s all set now though, so enjoy.



After escaping death-by-hug from Darunia, it’s time to head celebrate by climbing an extremely tall volcano! Now that we have bombs, we can clear the large circular boulders from our path in this area. Despite the fact that we've been inside this mountain at two different places, there’s been no signs of any volcanic activity barring a few small lava pits in Dodongo’s Cavern (one of which dried up). I don’t remember much from the Geology class I took in college, but from the evidence that I have gathered and what little I can remember, it seems safe to say that Death Mountain is inactive.

But since this is a game, things like this don’t need to make any sense. Death Mountain is still very active and very much a pain in the ass.

Blondie vs. the Volcano

The Treacherous Trail

You’ll Put Your Eye Out!

Seriously. Those boobs are sharp, man.

Rich Man, Poor Man



Kaepora is “nice” enough to drop us off on top of the roof of what used to be Impa’s House. Now why he would drop us off on the roof instead of, you know, the ground is beyond me. The positive side of this situation is that this will help us get a Heart Piece sooner than we should be able to. Remember that hole above Anju’s Chicken Emporium that I showed you earlier? Well now we can drop off the side of the roof…



…and land right on top of Anju’s Chicken Emporium’s roof, right next to the hole.



Ta dah! We’re one piece away from seven hearts. You know, I always wondered how this cow got in here. He obviously couldn’t have gotten in the way I did. Even if they open that gate, how would they get the cow inside the building? The door isn’t big enough to fit a cow through. I guess this is another one of those “you’re not supposed to think of this”-thing. Maybe they built around it?

Missing this piece isn’t as big of a deal as you might think. Later in the game we’ll be getting an item that will allow us to Spider-Man around from rooftop to rooftop. If you miss the Heart Piece now, you can always come back and get it once you find the Web Shooter in the Forest Temple or the Web Shooter Plus in the Water Temple.



Meanwhile, thanks to some Gold Skulltulas I killed on Death Mountain Trail and in Dodongo’s Cavern, we’re at well over ten Gold Skulltulas killed. It appears that the first member of the Skulltula family has been freed from the curse! He’s so excited about not being a spider anymore that all this family member does is stand in the corner and do jumping jacks. In fact, that’s all any of the family members do once you free them. Stand around and do mother fucking jumping jacks.





Well, that and give us fabulous prizes. We can now hold 200 rupees! This will be very useful once we get to a certain salesman who sells some magical beans in the next update.



Now that we have a magic gauge to worry about in addition to our life gauge, it’s only fitting that we should be able to find some kind of one-use item that refills our magic gauge. In addition to magic jars, you can also find magic pouches which refill quite a bit more magic than a magic jar does.

Fortunately for us, you almost never need to use magic so there’s no reason to ever worry about any of this. We’re done in Kakariko for the time being. Now that we have bombs a whole slew of places are open for us to explore. Let’s start by heading back to Hyrule Castle Town.

You’ll Put Your Eye Out: Part 2



Now that we have bombs, we can get into a hidden cavern underneath this tree. There are a number of hidden areas in Hyrule Field, but most are impossible to detect without our next reward from the House of Skulltula. And since I’m playing on an emulator that isn’t compatible with force feedback, I won’t be able to detect them at all! Hell yes.



There’s no purpose for this screenshot. I just think it looks pretty. Hey, it’s my LP. I’ll do what I want. More importantly, it’s time for us to get our first magic spell. Let’s make our way towards Hyrule Castle.



Here’s that Bombchu Shop I vaguely mentioned earlier. There is no reason to ever come to this shop ever. Bombchus are fairly useless, expensive, and only necessary for a handful of spots in the game. We’ll find enough on our own to get us through the game. I did want to drop by at some point though so you could see what the shop owner looks like. I didn’t want to have to explain who Michael-Stipe-Dressed-Like-Rob-Halford is during the inevitable end credits update.



Hey, a dog! And it’s following us! And he seems slightly faster than the other dogs around here!



It seems like her dog went missing and Blondie found it. Wow, what a completely unexpected turn of events! I didn’t predict this several updates ago or anything!



Thanks Neck Fat Lady (seriously, look at that hump on her neck that’s so gross). Seven heart pieces. What now, Ganondorf? Do something about it.





See? I told you it wasn’t a dead end. It’s really the entrance to…





…another Great Fairy’s Fountain. This Fairy will grant us the only magic ability that we need in order to complete the game. The other fairies are essentially optional. The ability we get from this fairy will enable us to enter a dungeon much later in the game.



Everybody say Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!



More pointy underboob for you all. You’re welcome, perverts.

Din’s Fire is the first and only attack spell we will receive in this game (excluding our magic spin attack). Before the game is through, we’ll be receiving a completely useless support spell and a defensive spell. For the overwhelming majority of the game, Din’s Fire is the only “useful” way to expend magic energy.



Fire burns things? No way! Not only is OoT a great game, its educational too!

Let’s Become Indentured Servants: Part 4



Thanks to the magic of The Sun’s Song, it’s time to turn in our money from selling the Spooky Mask.



Bunny Hood, eh? This is, by far, the hardest mask to sell. If this wasn’t an LP, I would definitely skip this part. But I guess I have some sort of contractual obligation to do it. Fuck. Let’s do a bunch of sidequests next time, then the third spiritual stone dungeon, and THEN I’ll do it. Sound like a plan?

Next Time on A Brief History of Time:

Dr. Blondie's Mean Bean Machine, and more minigames than you can shake a stick at.

Man, if you let this thing live long enough to get its special attack off, you're doing it wrong. You need to kill these horrible bosses off as quick as possible.

...wait, what do you mean that's not a boss?

The Spin Attack is made useful by the fact that you can unleash it just by giving the analog stick a full rotation and then attacking. There's no charge time or MP use that way.

I don't care if they fight you or not, the skanky fairies are totally evil. They're horrific to behold and they have dominatrix laugh. To this day I have no idea how they managed to get into a Nintendo game.

I think they were going for a Fair Folk vibe here. Those things were pretty creepy.

Those damn things messed me up for life. They make Tingle seem like a joyful, brilliant addition to the cast.

Tingle has grown on me in the years since Majora's Mask, but my opinion of those damned great fairies started at Horrible and has only gotten worse.

At least the Great Fairies in Wind Waker weren't bad.
Thank goodness for that.

Twilight Princess' was fine as well. It's just the N64 games.

I am pretty sure they are the reason that I've never so much as attempted to complete the Majora's Mask find-the-fairies sidequests.

The tone of Majora's Mask was so... off that it didn't seem out of place there. But the first time I saw the ones in OoT, I was freaked out.

The ones from WW look like bugs, but that's not really a problem for a fairy.

It still isn't worth the trouble, I think. If you mess it up then you end up leaving yourself open and the damage it does isn't anything stellar. In my opinion, the only time the Spin Attack is ever useful is in Twilight Princess for the Wii. But that's about it.

I always liked the N64 Great Fairies. You guys are all queers.

Uh, the point of the circle-around (as opposed to the sucky charge) is to PREVENT you from being surrounded.

Actually, I've found it useful in some of the 2d games, if only to cut grass. What happened in Twilight Princess? I forget.

In TP on the Wii you could do it without a charge via waggle. The only problem is it was way similar to the shield-push and I could never do the shield push the right way, which was REALLY annoying against the big dudes.

Also really liked the hurricane spin on WW, even if it did leave you dizzy after!

It was also helpful against some bosses and enemies too since back then it also had double damage going for it. Coupled with the fact that it could hit and knock back anything surrounding you at the same time, the spin attack was great for crowd control or even just hitting enemies harder. For new players facing Kholdstare or Vitrious for the first time, for example, it could be a lifesaver (or for experts, a timesaver).

This isn't so much a problem in OoT since there are other, faster ways of killing enemies that you don't really need to bother with the charge up, but sometimes being able to spin around and strike enemies trying to swarm you comes in handy at times, especially if you master the insta-spin technique Kishi mentioned.

Hey Alixsar, this LP is great and I hate to sound like a spoil-sport, but could you provide quick text summaries for the video portions going forward? I can't really watch videos at work, and for some reason viddler works like ass for me at home (choppy frame-rate and the sound de-synchs like crazy). I'm not asking for full transcriptions, just something short, like "met a freaky-ass fairy, learned spin attack, got a magic meter to go with it..." so people aren't lost if they have to skip it.

I really liked the hurricane spin on WW because it left you dizzy after.

Episode 9: The Case of the Missing Tuna Dolphin Princess

Welcome to another sidequest-oriented episode of Ocarina of Time. Today we’ll be wasting as much time as humanly possible before moving the story forward. This will be another video-heavy episode, so make sure you’re not at work behind some kind of firewall right now.

What’s that? You are at work? Oh. Maybe you should quit. You don’t even like working there!

Fuck It, Dude. Let’s Go Bowling.

Before we leave Hyrule Castle Town, there’s one more thing I’ve been neglecting/dreading. Let’s head back to…





*sigh* Yes, I do. The prizes given out at the Bombchu Bowling Alley are random but one of them is a Heart Piece. Unfortunately, our first prize is…



Fifty rupees? Come on! That doesn’t help me at all.



At the beginning of the game, you are given 10 Bombchus. Bombchus are small bombs that look like mice. Once placed on the ground…



…Bombchus will move forward until they hit something or a small amount of time passes. The goal of Bombchu Bowling is to use your 10 Bombchus to hit three targets like this one. After you destroy the first target…





…the wall falls down and reveals another wall farther back with a second target. This target can be in one of three places: the left, the right, or in the exact middle like the first target was. To make matters a bit more intimidating, a Cucco is added in the area between where the first target was and the second. The Cucco will shamble back and forth in an attempt to block your Bombchus. Aiming for the middle is considerably easier than aiming for the sides, but when life gives you lemons…





…you make some fuckin’ good ass lemonade.



Super Ultra Mega Chicken is added to make this game even more annoying, but I was able to nail the final target after a few tries. Victory is ours, Blondie!



Behold! The spoils of war! The fruits of our labor!

I’ve already got 170 of these.

What was that, Blondie? What…why did you do that? That’s stinkin’ thinkin’ right there. I’m trying to be positive here, man.

Yeah, but what you didn’t tell all of these people is how many times you had to do this in order to get these screenshots. You even tried to record a video of this like, what? 20 times? More than that? This minigame is bullshit, man! Complete bullshit.

Blondie has a good point. This minigame is bullshit. Since we didn’t get the Heart Piece as a reward, we’re going to have to do this one more time.



Let’s do it! I’m pumped! Hopefully this time our reward will b-



FUCK

*hours later*



Well, now we’ve got Bombchus! This…uh, was the plan all along!

Too bad we won’t need them for another…what, five dungeons? Six dungeons? I don’t even remember.

You stay out of this. The point is that now we have some super rare/super expensive Bombchus to mess around with, should I feel inclined to do so.

Now, this time I’d friggin’ better get tha-



Oh. Thanks to the power of editing, we now have our Heart Piece! We can now leave the Bombchu Bowling Alley forever. We’re done in Castle Town for now. Let’s head for the next area we need to explore, Zora’s River!

Traveling Riverside Blues



Right inside Zora’s River, we’re confronted yet again by Kaepora Gaebora. It seems that at the end of Zora’s River lies Zora’s Domain. Zora’s Domain is not open to the public but they will accept a Messenger From The Royal Family. Gee, I wonder if we’ll need to play Zelda’s Lullaby again?





Next to Kaepora’s location lies this peculiar salesman. In addition to having one of the most horrifying mouths I’ve ever seen, this man sells Magic Beans. When planted in the right spots, the beans will sprout and later in our adventure we’ll be able to access areas we otherwise couldn’t reach. Let’s buy one!







Conveniently, a soft spot is located directly next to the bean salesman. This one is used to cross Zora’s River easily and gain access to a Heart Piece that I’m going to pick up in this update anyway. Most of the beans give Blondie access to areas with a Heart Piece, but a few only exist to give him access to Gold Skulltulas or shortcuts or other things that I don’t care about. We’re going to be needing a few more.





What? The price just doubled! Each time you buy a Magic Bean (out of a total of 10), the salesman raises the price ten rupees. Luckily, since I’m only going to plant the beans that will get us Heart Pieces, I’m not going to have to go completely broke multiple times buying Magic Beans. I’m only going to have to go broke twice.

But enough about beans, let’s move further down Zora’s River. Come on, Cucco! Let’s go!



With the help of Random Cucco That He Found, Blondie was able to cross Zora’s River. See that platform I marked with my mad MSPaint skillz? Without the Cucco, you can’t reach it. Hell, even with the Cucco it’s almost impossible. But if you use the same fly-with-a-Cucco-let-go-mid-air-and-grab-the-ledge trick that I did before during Anju’s Quest (see Episode 5), it is possible to reach this ledge.



From there, it’s a small leap to our second Heart Piece. Two more until we hit the eight hearts mark.



A bit further up the river, an Octorok appears! You probably know Octoroks better as Those Blue and Red Things That Keep Shooting Rocks at Me…Dude, I Don’t Know What They’re Called from the original Legend of Zelda. They are defeated in the same manner as the Deku Scrubs we’ve encountered previously. Simply lock on, guard, and wait it out. One reflected shot is all it takes to take down an Octorok. We'll be seeing more of them in our next dungeon.



At the end of Zora’s River is the source: a giant waterfall. A crest on the ground talks about the Royal Family, and after playing Zelda’s Lullaby, the water’s flow slows enough to let Blondie into Zora’s Domain.

Holy Diver

You've been down too long in the midnight sea (Oh what's becoming of me)

Video Summary: Blondie completes the diving minigame in Zora’s Domain, catches a fish for no good reason, and decides to brighten up the Zora’s homeland.

The World Bean Tour

The importance of lighting that particular torch is that it never dies out. Four other…



…torches are…



…located in Zora’s Domain, but they only stay lit temporarily. The trick to this puzzle is to light that one torch at the base of the stairs, from there light the other two…



…then run behind this waterfall and light two more to get:

Ta da. Heart Piece, yo.



Just outside of Zora’s Domain is this small pond. Now that we have the Silver Scale, maybe we can find something at the bottom?



Like a warp to the Lost Woods, perhaps?





After taking the Lost Woods warp back to Goron City, Blondie uses his relatively new Bomb Bag to stop Hot Rodder (see Episode 6) and receives a bomb bag upgrade.

Now that we have a Bomb Bag/are in the area, we can blow open holes in the side of Death Mountain Trail.



Unfortunately, there’s nothing super important in any of the hidden areas. But hey, fifty rupees will get us closer to more Magic Beans. That’s something. I have several options at my disposal for filling my wallet right now if I really wanted to get all of the beans, but these fifty rupees should be enough.



At the base of Dodongo’s Cavern is another bean spot. Yet another lies in Kakariko’s Graveyard. But the bean planting tour isn’t done yet, oh no!





Far from Castle Town and Lon Lon Ranch is this rocky area and the entrance to Gerudo Valley.



Kaepora stops us and tells us that this is area is dangerous and that we should head back and go do stuff to move the story forward. What the fuck is this? This is Zelda! The whole point is to explore! You can’t tell me what I “should” or “shouldn’t” do! That’s the exact opposite of what Zelda is supposed to do!

Oh man. I suddenly understand why some people hate this game.

I Hope That Someone Gets My

Message in a Bottle

Video Summary: With the help of a chicken, Blondie makes first contact with the extremely angular-nosed Gerudo. Beans are planted and insults are traded. Blondie escapes to Lake Hylia, where a mysterious item is found.

Find the Fish



See? I told you it was large.

After examining the bottle he just found, Blondie finds a message from Princess Ruto, the Princess of the Zora. It seems that she has somehow been swallowed by Lord Jabu Jabu, the patron fish of the Zora. Having never been a fan of genocide and murder that he wasn’t committing himself, Blondie resolves himself to investigate the fishicide of Princess Ruto.



Blondie decides to leave Lake Hylia via its main gate. Although there is a much quicker route, this way we enable Blondie to get yet another Heart Piece.



Kaepora stops us yet again and says…something. I don’t even remember what. I skipped the entirety of the conversation. I’m kind of sick of Kaepora getting in my way.



Just outside of Lake Hylia’s gate (which Blondie cannot climb back over without the help of a certain NPC), Blondie discovers that bombs can indeed make holes in the ground.

I already knew that.

Just get in the hole.



A Business Scrub? Here? Most peculiar!

I dunno; seems a bit pricey.

Hey! We’ll take it (shut up, Blondie!).



Booya! Eight hearts y’all.



Unfortunately, now we have no way of getting back to Lake Hylia. We need to bring the bottle we found back to Zora’s Domain…which means Blondie is in for a long walk.



Thankfully, this is the last bean we’ll need. We now have two in storage and multiple beans already planted. Those two beans we’ll be needing much later, but the other bean spots that we didn’t plant in are entirely optional. Well…okay, they’re all technically optional but these are, like, super optional.

King Zora's Request

Seriously, though. Tea and milk. It’s good.

Video Summary: Blondie speaks to King Zora regarding his daughter’s disappearance, and Blondie introduces us all to an old friend of his: Pierre, the magical tap dancing scarecrow.

It seems Pierre needs our help! He aches to move and groove like he did back in his college days! Maybe if we played a song for him, it would light his soul afire as Darunia before him?

Next time on A Brief History of Time:

Fishing, fish in a bottle, giant fish, fish king, fish princess, fish, fish, fish! It’s fish-mania!

Oh, and a dancing scarecrow.

Why am I seeing this page? Oh, wait, here's why:

You have to fix the permissions on the videos!

I usually only buy five beans: Kakariko Graveyard, Lost Woods, Death Mountain Crater, Desert Colossus, and Death Mountain Trail. The first four are necessary to get Heart Pieces and Skulltulas, and the final one is not strictly speaking necessary, but I like to plant it to give me a little more margin for error in the trading game. The others only lead to things that can be gotten by other means.

You can also quickly reload on Rupees by playing songs for the frogs... They'll give you 50 rupees for each non-warp song you play them.

You know, my feeling is that of all Koji Kondo's many accomplishments, the Gerudo Valley theme is by far the greatest thing he's ever produced.