A Brief History of Time (Ocarina of Time)

Man, this phrase just made me feel so good inside! Awesome entry JC!

Great writeup JC! Definitely more "gonzo" than my gonzo piece.

And thanks for letting me use your screencaps Alixsar, it was really hard to narrow it down. I really wanted to get a creepy great fairy shot in there, of which you had like SIX, but it didn't make the cut.

Thank you for your kind words everyone, I wasn't sure how my stream-of-conscious would be received. Actually, after Legeek's article appeared on the front page I despaired over how he conveyed the same ideas in a much more succinct, focused and less ramble-y fashion. You stay away from those mountains, they're mine!

This is the way!



Great piece, JC.

I'm very upset right now. The next update is written. Done, completely finished. The videos are done too, I just need to upload two of them. Viddler went down for maintenance last night, so I waited until it came back up before going to bed. For some reason, it won't let me upload anything. I went to bed and it's still doing it this morning. So...hmm. I'm going to wait and see if I can get it to work tonight after work, but if I can't, I'll see if I can get Youtube to work or something. Damn Viddler, this is the second time you've done this to me! *fist shake*

But I haven't forgotten about you all. Just so you know.

try http://vimeo.com/ maybe?

I, for one, wouldn't mind a switch to YouTube or something, since Viddler has been playing like crap on both computers I read this forum from (sound desynchs, skipping, and what-not).

Click to listen to where this episode gets it’s title!

I either need to get a new job or quit doing this LP, because fate has seen to it to make it extremely difficult to do both at the same time (it also doesn’t help that two new games in two of my favorite game franchises have been released recently [Resident Evil 5 and Suikoden Tierkreis to be specific]).

As usual, I apologize for the delay everyone. I hate having a full week between updates and I try to avoid that. Today’s update will see Blondie brave the depths of the Fire Temple. And it's the largest update I've made to date! Hopefully that will make up for the fact that I never update...?

Next week will see Blondie head to another of my favorite areas: the semi-dungeon, The Ice Cavern. After that, Blondie will undergo the most brutal trading sequence known to mankind, and sometime after that Blondie and I will plunge into the brutal depths of fan-favorite The Water Temple. We’re also rapidly approaching the four month mark from when I started this LP. I was, uh, kind of hoping to be done now actually. Ooops!

In regards to my troubles with Viddler: Viddler got itself sorted out, but I thought of something. The reason why I used Viddler to begin with was because at the time I learned how to create videos, Youtube wouldn’t allow videos as large as the ones I was making (at the time it was for my now-finished and highly unsatisfactory Star Fox 64 Let’s Play). But now they do, so from now on, all videos will be uploaded on Youtube. By the time you see this, I’ll have already re-uploaded a number of older videos on Youtube. My goal is to reupload all of the older videos and update the links in this thread so you can all enjoy this LP again someday, should you choose to do so. Make sure you watch the high quality version of each video! The improvement in quality over Viddler is remarkable. (Note: one of today's three videos will still be on Viddler at the time of this writing, but I'm working on it.)

When we last left Blondie, he had just liberated(?) four lazy carpenters from the evil(?) clutches of a legion of angular-nosed lesbians(?).



Back at the Carpenter’s Tent, the four Carpenters proudly stand around, spout gossip, and generally speaking do nothing in particular. As a reward for saving them, the four carpenters have rebuilt the bridge over the river in Gerudo Valley. You’ll also notice that some of them have started doing the same animation as the Carpenter Boss. It’s a small touch, but it’s one of the small things that I’ve always appreciated about this game. I’m not entirely sure what this carpenter is talking about regarding brainwashing, but hey, let’s just go with it. We’ll be heading to visit Nabooru eventually so we can ask her ourselves.



Also in the tent is our old friend from before, the Running Man. He challenges Blondie to a race but we’ll get to that later.



Right now, we have more important business to attend to. Like making a suicidal jump off of a cliff.



Beautiful! Look at that form! This is sure to be a beautiful dive! The judges are on their fe-



And, unfortunately, it seems that he stuck the landing. I know that the game says that falling that far only does a single heart worth of damage, but I’m pretty sure that should’ve killed him.



But theoretically mortally wounding and/or killing Blondie was well worth it. The Magic Bean we planted here as a child has spouted into yet another Magical Flying Leaf. The water moves extremely quickly and it’s a lot easier to land on this platform and take the (extremely negligible) damage rather than fight the current and struggle to get ashore. There are other methods to get down there safely, but this way is the most entertaining, wouldn’t you agree?



The leaf leads Blondie to a ladder that leads to (what else) a Piece of Heart. Three down, one to go.



I took all of the screenshots you have seen to this point back when I was filming for Episode 14. I want to stay away from Lake Hylia for now (which means jumping into the river to escape is not an option), so I had Blondie use a warp song to escape. There weren’t many who responded regarding whether or not I should do the Horseback Archery Range now or later, but those who did were all for it. I am happy to say that I did complete the range but there were some, uh, rather dire complications.



Located behind the Gerudo’s Fortress is the Horseback Archery Range. For the low price of 20 rupees, Blondie can practice for the time when the Bureau of Indian Affairs comes to take his land.



The archery range is simple, but thoroughly irritating. Epona rides a predetermined path while Blondie tries to use the 20 arrows he is given to hit targets. Each clay pot is worth 100 points, and hitting the targets can result in 30, 60, or 100 points depending on how close to the bulls eye you are. There are two smaller targets at each end of the arena as well. When you score 1,000 points you receive a Piece of Heart. 2,000 points (meaning you score a bulls eye with every shot) earns you an upgrade for your arrow quiver (with what we have now, that would give us a maximum of 40 arrows).

The problem for me comes from the method I’m using to record this LP. As I have bitched about before, using a Dual Shock in this game can make some of the more subtle tasks like aiming in first person a chore (if not outright impossible). After roughly 20 minutes of trying, I have given up on any hope of ever getting the quiver upgrade.





I did have one run that was good enough to earn the Piece of Heart (bringing us to a total of 12 hearts), but the Dual Shock’s d-pad is simply not precise enough to work with this game. For those of you playing along at home, the easiest way to beat this range is to score a bulls eye and then immediately fire one or two more arrows while tapping to the right ever-so-slightly to compensate for Epona’s movement. It’s a lot easier to show than describe, but since tapping on the Dual Shock sends Blondie careening out of control, it looks like I won’t be able to show you all.

Just, you know, hit bulls eyes. It’s easy-ish. But no more messing around; let’s get ready for the Fire Temple!



Really? Is there?

Yeah, I hadn’t noticed the giant ring of fire that you can see clear across Hyrule. Thanks, Navi.







Death Mountain Trail is pretty much the same as when we last left it, except now giant boulders fall from the sky for no reason in particular. It seems that another of our Magic Beans has sprouted, but thanks to Blondie’s backflipping skills, we don’t need it to access the Piece of Heart anymore. It does give us a shortcut to Goron City, however. Fun Fact: if you use the item you find in the Fire Temple, you can break that rock in the second picture and find a Gold Skulltula. Yet Another Fun Fact: if you play the Song of Storms while standing in the ring of stones in the last picture, a hidden area opens up.

The funny thing is that areas like this are positively littered across Hyrule. Back in 1998, it was refreshing to see Zelda continue to have hidden areas that are accessible through extremely obscure methods. While many of them are non-essential, its small things like that keep the spirit of the original Zelda alive. I’ve taken the time to show off a very small number of them, but I’ve skipped over a vast amount just for the sake of keeping this LP moving at a brisk pace.

…uh, yes.

Yes.

Right. Let’s move on!



While Goron City looks exactly the same as when we left it, there is one major change that has occurred in the past seven years. Save for three individuals, the entire town is deserted.



The first is this fellow here. Similar to Hot Rodder before him, this Goron rolls around in circles on one of the lower floors and needs to be stopped with bombs.



This Goron reveals himself to *insert whatever you named Link here*, Hero of the Gorons!



Why thank you! I took it from a Clint Eastwood movie (And apparently from Aquadeo too?).



Oh Zelda! You and your random bits of wacky humor! You’re incorrigible!







This is the kind of thing you should tell someone right away. Your autograph collection can wait, you know?



As a reward for blowing him up and listening to him cry a lot, Blondie is a given a Goron Tunic. In addition to being really ugly, this tunic allows us to head inside of Death Mountain without broiling to death. Its use beyond that is extremely limited, unless if you’re crazy and think that Blondie somehow looks good in red.



After talking to Goron Blondie, the door to what used to be Darunia’s room opens up as well as the shop door. The Goron Shop has nothing special in it, so we won’t be stopping by there. There is a Goron behind the counter though, so that makes two Gorons who weren’t captured. And the third is this big fella right here.

Ah, the Giant’s Knife. How misunderstood you are. The Giant’s Knife is secretly the best weapon in the entire game, but only if you’re really willing to put some work into it.

For 200 rupees, Medigoron will sell you the large/in-charge Giant’s Knife. The Knife is a two-handed sword, which means that Blondie is unable to use a shield when equipped with the Knife. The upside is that the Giant’s Knife is hands down the strongest weapon in the game (yes even stronger than Biggoron’s Sword). Medigoron is not a particularly adept blacksmith however, and after just two hits, the Giant’s Knife’s blade will shatter. The hilt is still usable as a weapon, but it has ludicrously short range and deals less than damage than a strike from the Kokiri Sword. If you pay another 200 rupees, Medigoron will sell you another Giant’s Knife. This Knife will last for four hits. After that breaks, you can buy another that will last for six. And after that you can buy yet another that lasts for the maximum eight hits. From then on, each Giant’s Knife you buy will last for eight hits.

If you save it for only when a boss is vulnerable and are willing to farm all the rupees necessary to keep buying Giant’s Knives, then you will be rewarded with a weapon of unparalleled strength. But…well, considering that completing The Trading Sequence™ will net you the almost-as-strong-and-unbreakable Biggoron’s Sword, there’s really no reason to ever subject yourself to this kind of torment.

But I suppose that if you’re one of those mix/max types of people then you might be interested in this. Or maybe not. I don’t understand those people’s thought process at all.

With Darunia not rooted to this spot anymore, Blondie is able to pull this statue out of the way and make his way into Death Mountain Crater. Just inside, a mysterious and androgynous friend awaits.



Click title to view video!

Video Summary: The mysterious Sheik appears yet again to teach us another song. For his grand finale, Sheik lights Blondie on fire without burning him. David Copperfield, watch out! Sheik is coming for your title!









Remember those two Magic Beans I had still to plant? Well, guess where one of them goes?







After warping back to the Temple of Time and warping back to Death Mountain Crater, our newly planted/fully grown Magic Leaf gives Blondie access to not one but two Pieces of Heart. We’re now halfway to Heart #13 (well, 14 really since we’ll get one at the end of the Fire Temple).





The Leaf also gives Blondie access to another section of Death Mountain Crater that is currently only accessible by scaling Death Mountain the same way we did to visit the first Great Fairy back in Episode 8. There’s not much up here besides an extremely poorly concealed Gossip Stone and some stairs that lead to the Great Fairy Fountain. There’s something else at the peak too, but we’ll be visiting there soon enough so I’ll keep quiet about that for now.



One warp song later, Blondie finds himself back at the base of the Crater. After descending an abnormally long ladder, Blondie finds himself in the second Temple of the game: the Fire Temple!



Fun Fact: while Blondie is in the Fire Temple, his typical “I’m yawning and stretching” animation that plays when you remain idle changes. Instead of yawning, Blondie will wipe sweat from his brow (as poorly screenshotted here).

I am sad to report that I am indeed playing the censored version of Ocarina of Time. For those of you who don’t know, there are two versions of Ocarina of Time out there. I don’t know when the change was made exactly (I know that I had a first print/non-gold cartridge and it was uncensored), but at a certain point, the music for the Fire Temple was changed. Two other parts of the game were changed, but I’ll cover them when we get there.

To begin, let’s talk about the second version of the Fire Temple music. It can be found here.

Not bad, right? The drum/percussion parts seem appropriate enough. You’re heading into a volcano to save a bunch of “tribal” people so it fits. The “chants” that start to come into play at about 30 seconds in add a sense of mystery to the place, and the higher pitched chants that come in at about 1:10 add a sense of fear and foreboding. It’s like a poor man’s Forest Temple music.

But let’s listen to the original Fire Temple music.

Sure, it starts off the same. Drums and percussion etc. But what’s this? At about 40 seconds in, something that sounds a bit like a Muslim prayer comes in. At about 1:20 in, another set of prayer-esque (this one far louder and passionate) chanting comes in. It almost goes without saying that this version does a better job at setting the mood for the Temple than the second does. The midi “chants” are mysterious and foreboding…but their “prayer” counterparts are even more so. If you don’t get goosebumps during the “prayers” that start at 1:15 of the original version, then there’s something wrong with you. The loud chanting that echoes throughout is far more terrifying and impressive than a bland midi that follows the same tune. It was beautiful, but alas, it vaguely referenced Muslims sorta kinda. That’s a no-no!

The Fire Temple is unique in that during the course of the dungeon, you free a number of Gorons from imprisonment. And each time you find one, they are cowering in a ball and praying for help. Not only does the original version of the music do a better job at setting a mood than the second one, but it also helps add some character to the Gorons. Just as with the Forest Temple and the ghastly wails, we have no idea where the chants of the Fire Temple are coming from. Are they the Gorons praying for someone to come save them? Is this the desperate cry of a doomed people?

Nope. It sounds kind of Muslim-y, so it’s nothing. Instead we get the (still decent but nowhere near as good) midi chanting. Thanks, Nintendo! You guys are awesome.

Just inside the Fire Temple, our old pal and Sworn Brother Darunia greets us in front of the Boss Door. Despite not having the Boss Key, Darunia goes ahead to face the dragon Volvagia. Blondie is forced to cavort around the Temple and free the rest of the Goron Tribe. Sounds like he got the raw end of the deal to me.



Shortly after this, Blondie encounters his first Like Like. You may remember Like Likes as those weird things that looked like pancakes and ate your shield in the original Zelda. While these Like Likes don’t look like pancakes, they do still eat your shield (and Red [or later Blue] Tunics as well). Luckily, they can be stunned with a Hookshot blast and then dealt with accordingly.



One of the unique creatures in the Fire Temple is the Torch Slug. Sure, Navi’s descriptor makes it sound hard…but basically all that means is that you need to hit it with your sword and they move around a lot. You’ll be hard pressed to find a more harmless enemy in the game (Deku Babas are certainly close). Later on the in the Temple we’ll be getting a special item that renders the already harmless Torch Slugs even more harmless. What do you even call something that’s less harmful than completely harmless?

Well, a Torch Slug I guess. But feel free to take this opportunity to pretend that I’m making fun of someone you don’t like instead.





In what is soon to become a Zelda tradition, this room has Blondie hit a switch and then make a mad dash for the exit. This puzzle will return in damn well near every dungeon until the end of the game.



Willkommen to Overhead Maze City! Population: Boulders.





You may notice that the top of the pillars Blondie is running inbetween has switches and enemies etc. on it. That is because after rounding up a few keys and freeing a few Gorons on the bottom floor, Blondie will run across the tops of these pillars like some sort of wannabe Spider-Man.



Let’s stop to consider this picture for a minute. When you begin to move in this room, the camera gradually moves towards this top down view. If you use Z Targeting to correct it, the camera will snap back behind Blondie as always. But if you let the game do it’s thang, then you’ll end up staring down into a seemingly bottomless chasm. That’s part of what I love about Ocarina of Time: not a single moment is wasted. This is a very small and relatively unimportant room in the Fire Temple. You just need to walk across a narrow ledge; that’s it. The game lets you keep control of the camera if you so choose, but the second you let the camera go on its own, the game sees fit to remind that OMG ONE STEP AND YOU ARE FRIGGIN’ DEAD DO YOU GET IT?! It really adds a sense of dread to what otherwise would’ve been a completely forgettable room. And all it takes a bit of camera control.



A chainlink platform over a lava pit. Could this get any more terrifying?



Evidently, it can.





After outrunning the extremely slow flame wall, Blondie finds himself on the upper portion of Overhead Maze City. After freeing some Gorons and blowing a hole in the floor and dropping down to what should have been his death (again), Blondie is ready to move on the most annoying area in the Fire Temple.

See these small pillars? Each time you approach one, a wall of fire will appear to block your progress. A predetermined path exists that, when followed, will allow you to weave in-between the pillars. But it must be discovered by trial and error. To make matters worse, a number of false doors exist in this area. When Blondie tries to open the door, it will fall down on him and hurt him. They can be destroyed with bombs if you feel so inclined. After weaving his way through the flame walls on the left half of the room, Blondie goes through a locked door that leads him smack into the middle of the flame walls on the right. From there Blondie must hit a switch and run through the flame walls in a limited amount of time in order to pass by the giant flame wall in the last screenshot.

If you’ve played this game, you know what I’m talking about and you know how much it sucks.

If you haven’t, consider yourself lucky.



Click to view video!

Video Summary: Hey, who wants to see Alex suck at Ocarina of Time?





After sucking royally at fighting the Flare Dancer, Blondie ends up in the second place winner for Most Annoying Room in the Fire Temple. This room has Blondie hit a switch and run across an extremely thin platform (the beginning of which is seen here) while getting attacked by flaming Keese.

Oh, and if you fall off you either have to start all over or you’ll fall into a bottomless pit. Yeah, it’s swell.







But on the positive side of things, Blondie now has the legendary Megaton Hammer! It’s not terribly useful for combat, but there are a few puzzles that we’ll need it for. For example, here Blondie can be seen knocking an obstruction out of the way of a door, pounding a rusty switch, and hammering a platform into place so we can reach the boss door. Is there anything this hammer can’t do?

Well, it can’t deal damage (it’s as strong as the Master Sword). But that’s about it.



After knocking the giant platform into place so he can access to boss room, Blondie takes a shortcut and jumps down. Despite falling an even greater distance than the time I threw him off of Gerudo Valley, Blondie incurred no damage. I suspect this is because you’re “supposed” to hit the platform while you’re standing on it so you ride it down and this is some sort of programming bug. But I suppose it doesn’t really matter. If this game were realistic, Blondie would’ve died back in January. And several times since then.



Back in the very first room, a new path can be opened up by uncorking a can of wigga-bam on some statues. Note: wigga-bam is the correct pronunciation of the noise the Megaton Hammer makes, and it is always funny to say it. Anyone who says anything to the contrary will not be tolerated.



See what I was talking about? I didn’t even hit near it, and I rendered it completely harmless. What a maroon!







After dealing with some aggressive floor tiles and another Flare Dancer, Blondie frees the last captive Goron and finds the Fire Temple’s boss key. Somehow I managed to completely skip the compass in this dungeon. Technically, since this is an LP and I’m supposed to know everything, I should go back and get it.

But screw it. Who needs a compass anyway? Let’s go fight a dragon.

Click title to view video!

Video Summary: With Darunia nowhere to be found, Link charges head first into battle with some kind of random fire dragon. Who would've thought that a game of whack-a-mole could determine the fate of Hyrule? While Link fights for his life, Alex rambles about the true nature of the Seven Sages.



And…that’s different from Sworn Brothers? Or no?



Remember those boulders I showed in today’s first video? The ones blocking the Great Fairy’s Fountain?



Yeah, screw you, boulders. You ain’t got nuthin’.











I always loved the cinematography in these scenes. You have to watch several “Great Fairy gives you a power”-scenes in this game, and even though it’s basically the same each time, the developers really go out of their way via camera work to make each one feel different. It’s a small thing that I really appreciate about this game.

I also like boobs, and this scene has those too.

But enough of that, what’s important about this is that Blondie’s magic meter is now twice as full! That means that we can use more of all that magic that we never use! Uh…hurray!

Next Time on A Brief History of Time: We just beat the fire level, so you know what that means, don’t you? That’s right: it’s ice time.

Hitting the bomb button isn't such a bad idea, though. I seem to recall that hitting the flare dancer with a bomb also makes his fires go away.

The one time I use Farore's Wind in the game was in the Megaton Hammer room, which made the inevitable screw-ups a bit more manageable.

I ... shit, I think I ALWAYS used bombs and that little bastard was way harder. Is it possible I never thought to use the hookshot? My memory is failing me.

I thought the overhead maze was more annoying than the flame walls. Either way, this is one of my least favorite parts of the game.

Hitting things with the hammer, though, is one of the game's miscellaneous joys.

It does indeed, but it's annoyingly difficult.

Hey, me too. It's just too bad that I didn't think to start doing this until I'd gotten good enough at this section that I didn't need it anymore.

Incidentally, shooting arrows at Volvagia when he starts flying around prevents him from dropping the boulders or breathing fire, which are (to me) the most annoying part of that fight.

So then... it's normal to not use much magic? I vaguely remember almost always having about a fourth of a bar left (after having doubled it). Maybe it stems from the fact that I think Din's Fire looks awesome and thus deserves to be used obsessively.

I am disappointed in the lack of witty Link/Navi banter. It's one of my favorite parts of your LP, man. Really though, I just like to complain. You're doing awesome.

It's entirely possible that you thought that. One of the Gorons you save says that you should use bombs against it, which is just silly considering how much easier using the Hookshot is.

Well, I know that there are some people who use it, but I've never seen much of a point.

Really? I thought it was too gimmicky. I was ashamed for having done it at all. I didn't like the way it turned out. Maybe I'll bring them back.

Edit: The last batch of videos is going up on Youtube now, and I'll be updating the links in all the old episodes accordingly. I'll probably add the arcade-y font too since I like it so much. If any of you care.

I use the shit out of Din's Fire.

Also, Ice Arrows.

I don’t have an excuse this time. Normally I’ll start each episode with "Oh I’m sorry this is late I was so busy!" etc. But this time, I just don’t have an excuse. I had the time to work on this all week. The week just flew by, didn't it? Well, on the positive side of things, it’s here now! Let’s get ready for the Water Temple, shall we?

Before we begin, one quick clarification I’d like to make. I previously said that getting the Heart Piece in the horseback archery range required getting 2000 points (and thus a perfect with every shot). This is wrong. You only need 1500 points, or 15 perfect shots of your 20 available. It literally came to me in a dream that I posted the wrong amount and I feel as though I had to make the correction.



First thing’s first. Now that we’ve finished the Fire Temple, we need to free up some bottle space for our next destination.

Goodbye fairies! You have been ever faithful servants, and now you are free!

C-can I go too?

Hell no! Are serio…is she serious? HELL no!

Yeah, he’s right. No way.

You can’t blame a girl for trying…

Yes we can.

And we do.

And we do, yes. That is correct. We do.

But anyway. Technically you only need one empty bottle for where we’re headed, but having two cuts down on the number of trips you need to make. You never need more than two at a time, so it’s a bit silly to ditch a fairy just to have something you don’t need. You never know when you might die somehow and need a fairy. This is will never actually happen but…you know, best to err on the side of caution, right?







After working his way out of Death Mountain Crater and down Death Mountain Trail, Blondie makes yet another stop at Skulltula Manor (not the actual name but doesn’t it sound cool?). I haven’t been showing off all the Skulltulas I’ve been picking up since…well, it isn’t very interesting. This isn’t a 100% run either so I’ve already missed a metric fuckload of Gold Skulltulas as it is. But even without trying, I’ve managed to collect over 30 tokens. That nets Blondie a new wallet! This one holds up to 500 rupees, which is the most money you can have on you at one time in this game. But I don’t really suppose it matters since, as you all know, Money Doesn’t Matter in Zelda�.





Sometime after (or possibly prior to depending on when Ganondorf attacked) the destruction of Castle Town, the oddly-lipped Shooting Gallery operator relocated his business to the newly built building in Kakariko Village. The game plays exactly the same as the one Blondie played as a child, only now you use a bow.



Thankfully, the reward did change. We now have the first of two quiver upgrades. As I mentioned previously, the other can be found by beating the Horseback Archery Range with a score of 1500. This is not impossible, but given the methods I’m using to record this LP, it is nigh impossible for me. So we’re just going to have to make due with 40 arrows instead of 50. I’m a disgrace; I know.

Well, let’s see. As a child we helped the Kokiri, then the Gorons, and then the Zora. And as an adult, so far we’ve helped the Kokiri and then the Gorons. So logically, that means we should next head to go help the Zora again. After making his way back through Zora’s River (which is a lot easier thanks to the bean we planted as a child), Blondie finds himself at the waterfall entrance to Zora’s Domain.



Is...is that snow? Nah, it must be fairy dust or something since we’re near a Lost Woods entrance.



Yeah, or it could be snow. There is a strong possibility.



…hmm. Well, at least I don’t have to wait four bazillion hours for him to scoot out of the way again. Let’s see if Zora’s Fountain fared any better.



Lord Jabu Jabu is (somewhat inexplicably) gone as well. Well isn’t this just a dilly of a pickle.





After running across some blocks of ice that are floating on the surface of the water, Blondie finds yet another Heart Piece. It just the first of many in this update. After the Water Temple, we'll be 3/4 of the way to having maximum health. We've already found most of the Pieces of Heart in the game, but the few that will be left after this update are all fairly annoying to get.

A few more ice blocks lead to a previously inaccessible area: The Ice Cavern! The Ice Cavern is the first of several “pre-dungeons”. From now on, each Temple has us conquer a separate, smaller dungeon before heading into the Elementally-themed Temple. The Ice Cavern has a map, compass, and a piece of treasure…but no real boss to speak of. So I’m not really sure what you classify it as. You can use Farore’s Wind inside it, so the game classifies it as a dungeon…but there’s really only one puzzle to speak of and the Ice Cavern can be beaten in less than five minutes if you know what you’re doing. All I know is that it’s one of my favorite areas in the game, so let’s get this thing started.

As usual, the music does a great job at setting the tone of the dungeon. I’m not sure if I can explain it, but whenever I hear those distinct chimes, I immediately think of icicles. There’s just something about it, isn’t there? Doesn’t it sound like the music is bouncing off the cavern’s walls? Doesn’t it sound like the wind is whipping through the cavern and creating music somehow? I don’t know. I really like this track but I’m having a hard time putting it into words. …maybe one of you can explain it better than I can?





A bit into the Cavern, Blondie encounters his first Freezzard. Freezzards move about quickly and breathe at Blondie. They also have rather terrible names, but what can you do? When you're this annoying, you don't need to have a name that makes any sense.

After they breathe, Freezzards will disappear and reappear somewhere else and close in on Blondie again. If Blondie is hit with their breath, he will be frozen in a block of ice and take damage. The ice will break faster if you mash buttons, thus lowering the amount of damage Blondie takes. Some will remain stationary, but the strategy for beating any of them is simple. Wait for them to breathe and stay safely away. Then, close in and mash the sword button. Two or three strikes should do them in. You can also use the Hookshot to close to gap between you and the Freezzard quickly if you like, but it’s not necessary.



The next room introduces a new concept to Blondie: silver rupee puzzles. Silver rupees are worth five rupees, the same as blue rupees. In addition, a set number of silver rupees will be put in a room and Blondie must grab all of them in order to progress. This type of puzzle shows up several times in the game, but the Ice Cavern marks the first.

This room also teaches Blondie a valuable lesson about giant, spinning fan blades. They hurt.

I already knew that.

Yeah, well…just a reminder. It’s important, and it’ll only become more important when we get to the Shadow Temple.

Sounds lovely.

It is!



Hmm. That wall has red ice on it. And King Zora was trapped in red ice…



By the way, Ice Keese can freeze you too. Did I mention that there are Ice Keese?







This "cool flame" is what we needed two empty bottles for. The red ice that King Zora is trapped in, the red ice that blocks the entrance to the Zora Shop (which I didn’t show you but trust me it’s there), the red ice in the spinning fan room, and the red ice that covers the treasure chest with the map in this room can all be melted with blue fire. There’s a variety of other miscellaneous treasures in this dungeon that can found in red ice as well.





Melting one of the two red ice walls in the fan room leads us to a Zelda staple: the Sliding Ice Block Puzzle™. The Sliding Ice Block Puzzle™ is a huge pain in the ass, as it has been in every game it’s ever been in. Since this isn’t an FAQ, I’m not going to walk you all through it. But suffice to say, there was much pushing, Keese killing, and rupee collecting.



The way out of the Sliding Ice Block Puzzle™ room leads us to the Cavern’s "boss": a lone, white Wolfos.



Click title to view video!

Video Summary: After braving an extremely bite-sized dungeon and fighting a terrifying "boss", Blondie finds a new pair of interesting footwear.

After essentially beating the dungeon, Blondie backtracks to the fan room and explores the other red ice path. Another Piece of Heart! This brings our grand total to 14 hearts. Not too bad. We’re really getting up there. Also in this room is the entirely irrelevant Compass. Finding a Compass after you’ve looted the entire dungeon is a very surreal experience. But anyway, we’re done here. We could use our new song to warp to Lake Hylia and explore the Water Temple, but there’s some loose ends we need to tie up first.



Putting on the Iron Boots in Zora’s Fountain allows Blondie to sink to the very…



…very…



…very deep depths and find yet another Heart Piece.

Also, who the hell can hold their breath for a minute and a half? He’s got Iron Lungs too, or something. Actually no, there is a reason for this which I’ll get into in a few updates.





Using some leftover Blue Fire, Blondie is able to free King Zora from the evil scourge of the red ice.



You noticed!

How insightful…





As a reward for saving him, Blondie is given a Zora Tunic. In addition to being considerably less ugly than the Goron Tunic, this tunic allows Blondie to breathe underwater. This will be an absolute lifesaver for the Water Temple.





Should we ever lose this tunic to a Like Like, we can always buy another. The same is true for a Goron Tunic (they are sold at the Goron Shop). Now that we have the biggest wallet in the game, it would just be a matter of getting the scrillah together to buy it. But I can pretty much guarantee that we’ll never lose this tunic ever so whatever. But for the less awesome of you playing along at home, you may need this. Just something to remember!



But that’s enough of that. Let’s head to beautiful, sparkling Lake Hylia!



Well…maybe this is just Hylia. It sure as hell isn’t a lake anymore.



The entrance to the Water Temple lies in what’s left of Lake Hylia. But don’t jump in just yet, Blondie! We’ve still got some things to take care of before we take the plunge!

Next Time on A Brief History of Time: The Trading Sequence is a huge pain...but we’ve waited long enough. Let’s do this thing and completely break the game in the process!

I think that in Ocarina of Time, the silver rupees really did give you money. Five each. I might have just been hallucinating that, though, because I am pretty sure they don't do that in Majora's Mask.

Arrows are another good way to kill freezzards.

Silver Rupees give 5 in OoT, yes, however they're mostly around for puzzles 'n' stuff for the Ice Cavern. Majora's Mask has them locked away in chests instead though, where they're worth around 100 instead (halfway between Purple and Gold, go figure).

No, you're right. They do. Jeez, I could've sworn they didn't. The screenshots prove it. Is there any way I can ever get through a single update without looking like an ass? No, probably not. Oh well.

Alixsar you should show us how to get the Triforce in the final update

Alright. It's pretty easy. I've got like eight of 'em.

The Light Temple is the best temple in the game.