A Brief History of Time (Ocarina of Time)

:O


He can't be doing a very good job of it if she thinks he's a fairy boy.

For the authentic experience, you should make sure to write this again any time a chest you open contains money.

I've never been too fond of this game, though it was the first Zelda I played and led to me playing a bunch of the others, so I don't hate it or anything.

This may just be my memory failing me, but can't you get the first Deku Stick upgrade around this point?

Some more notes:

Actually, you can make it to Hyrule Castle during the day on your first trip - If you make a straight line for the gate as soon as you're out of Kokiri Forest (and after taking to the Owl too, I guess) you can make it into Hyrule Castle Town just as the gate closes behind you. I've done it several times, so it can be done.

Alternatively, you can wait for the gate rises during the night and walk along the tip, collecting them all in one go. It's a great way to make a lot of money early on in the game, that's for sure.

You can also hold down the R button when playing the ocarina to increase the pitch by half a step!

I've never trusted that owl. How does he know where you are all the time? He must be a spy.

You can, but there's no point to it: You have to go back to the Lost Woods before you have to use Deku Sticks again anyway. Besides, it's not like you need more than one Deku Stick to beat this game anyway...

I never trust anything that can turn its head 180 degrees.

I managed to win once without the cheat. The odds are 1/32 - not that bad, by game standards.

It's even easier if you run backwards, Link's fastest mode of travel without a horse. Or the bunny mask.

I seem to recall the bunny hood only made you go faster in Majora's Mask. Might be wrong, though.

Correct.

Best mask in the game. I keep it in a permanent C-button slot. I find playing OoT painfully slow after using that for 90% of MM.

This game has apparently stuck with me so much that just looking at the screen pics of the world transitioning to night caused me to be able to hear the howling marking the transition and then the sounds of the skeletons climbing out of the ground.

It's overall very convenient and useful, but my favorite mask has to be the Bomb Mask, which allows you to explode your face. The best part is that you can avoid damage from the explosion (or at least mitigate it, I don't remember anymore), like any other bomb, by putting your shield up.

Don't forget the chains of the gate rattling as it's raised.

Episode 4: A New Adventure Awaits!

Despite it being completely insane to do so, Blondie is heeding the final words of a giant mustachioed tree by sneaking into Hyrule Castle. The whole thing seems like a practical joke, doesn’t it? In his dying breath, the Great Deku Tree sends Blondie on a panty raid. Luckily for Blondie, we met a young lass named Malon who also needs Blondie to sneak into the castle. Even if the GDT is just making stuff up, he might get some sort of reward from her at the very least. Premarital/Underage Sex, maybe? That's a twofer!



After climbing some vines next to where Malon gave us a Weird Egg, we find this mysterious stone. This is a Gossip Stone. If you hit it with your sword it will tell you the current time. After running some errands for the Happy Mask Shop, you can get a mask that lets you communicate with these stones. This is how you learn a lot of tips and interesting tidbits about Hyrule and its inhabitants. You can also screw around with the stones in a variety of ways. Your sword makes them jiggle, whereas detonating a bomb near them causes them to fly into outer space. No, I'm not kidding. Yes, it's a bit silly. This is just the first of many that we’ll be seeing in our adventures.



Translation: This is not a dead end. We need bombs before we can break through the “dead end” so we’ll be leaving this area alone for now.





The trick in this area is look around and see which way the castle guards are facing. Apparently they have no peripheral vision whatsoever. As long as you don’t get too close and make sure to stay out of their direct line of sight, you’ll be fine.

...Not that it matters if you get caught, anyway. The guards will simply throw you out and then you have to start over. It’s hard to find good help these days AMIRITE



After swimming through Hyrule Castle’s moat, we find this fat ass. This is Not Mario, the owner of Lon Lon Ranch. After dropping off some shipments of milk at the castle’s service entrance, he decided to take a nap. See that small hole where the water is coming out? That’s where we need to go. The crates of milk will give us enough height if we stack them on top of each other…but Not Mario is in the way. Hmm.



After spending an entire night running in circles out of boredom, Blondie’s Weird Egg hatches. Well, technically roosters are the ones that wake people up in the morning…but whatever, a chicken will work too. It always confused me that in this scene it calls it a chicken, but everywhere else they’re referred to as Cuccos. Of course, if this is the biggest translation error your game has, you’re probably in pretty good shape.







In typical “I’m the comic relief NPC!”-fashion, Not Mario runs off. After all, his much smaller daughter has red hair, so she presumably has a temper too! And boy is she gonna be angry! I’ll bet she’s gonna tan his hide! HAHAHA I hate my life



Well, whatever. Now that he’s out of the way, we can stack those crates, make the jump, and crawl into the Castle Courtyard. Now it's time to engage in some…

Tactical Hide and Seek Action



This next section is the most annoying part of the game. I mean, srsly guyz, it is really really annoying. Similar to guard dodging outside, you have to dodge peripheral vision-less guards in much smaller (and mazelike) areas.



It’s simply a matter of waiting for the right time and then making a mad dash for the exit. But the game…



…makes…



…you…



…do it a lot. If you mess up once, you have to start over. If you’re a pro like me, then it’s not a big deal. But if you’re impatient and/or lazy, then this part will give you a major headache.

After making your way through the Endless Corridor of Legally Blind Guards, you’ll find yourself in a small circular area. Hey, look through that window! Can that be…the Princess?



Well, it’s a Princess, but not the one we want. And hey, look! It’s-a Mario! If you move the camera a bit, you can also see Luigi, Bowser, and Yoshi. This is the closest thing to a Mario/Zelda crossover as you’ll ever get.

Unless if you count Smash Bros., which you shouldn’t.

You Should Never Listen to a Ten Year Old Girl; They’re Nothing But Trouble



Ah, there she is. Wassup, girl?





It seems that this Princess here has been having some bad dreams lately. Dark clouds over the land; the usual dark premonition stuff. But then that light was parted by a light from the forest holding a green stone! Obviously that represents Blondie, and obviously this means that Blondie is the one to save Hyrule. Obviously!







No, screw that. I just met you. Who are you to order me around? I mean, I guess you’re a Princess or whatever…but still, shut up!



Unfortunately for Blondie, this is one of OoT’s many “but thou must!” choices. Sure, you can say no…but then she calls you a blabbermouth and you can’t move forward. I don’t understand why the game gives you these choices if you can’t say no. What’s the point of even giving me the option?



At this point, Zelda retells the Creation Myth, but gives us some additional information. If someone gets all three Triforce pieces, they get to make a wish for some never-clearly-explained reason. I guess those triangles are just that powerful. It’s no small task to get into the Temple of Time, though. The gateway to the Sacred Realm is sealed by the Door of Time. And in order to open the Door of Time, you must have the three Spiritual Stones and…



Ta dah! If you guessed the ______ of Time, then you’re right! In this case, the something in particular is another yam with holes in it. This one is purple.

Food Fun Fact: there actually are purple yams! They grow primarily in Southeast Asia and are typically used for making desserts and other sweets. And, just like regular yams, they taste like someone is taking a crap in your mouth.





Zelda asks Blondie to look through a window and we are properly introduced to the The Nose. It turns out that his real name is Gannondorf. He currently swears allegiance to the King of Hyrule, but Zelda thinks he’s up to no good. After all, look at that look he just gave us! He must have an idea what we're planning!



Oh. Or not, I guess.

Waitwaitwait…what? He doesn’t know “…yet”? What, are you going to tell him? How the hell else would he find out?



How the hell is he ever going to get it? You keep the Ocarina of Time from him, Blondie’ll keep the Kokiri’s Emerald, and then he’ll never be able to open the Door of Time. Game Over.

What? I just told you! We don’t have to do anything!







What?! This sounds like a pain in the ass to me. Unfortunately, Blondie has no balls and agrees to go along with Zelda’s batshit insane plan.



Zelda gives us a letter for our trouble. We’ll need this to get up Death Mountain but not much else.

On our way out, we get stopped by a giant woman with huge knockers.

Apparently Learning How to Play an Instrument is Extremely Easy



But this isn’t just an ol’ giant woman. This is Impa. Wait, this is Impa?! Like…



This Impa? We’re talking about Zelda’s retainer, Impa? Geez. Talk about a redesign, eh? (Yes, I know that the first one is from a game that was made after OoT thank you.)



Well, whatever. She wants to teach us a song, so let’s do it. Learning a song in OoT is simple: the NPC teaching it to you will show you what notes to hit, and then you have to mimic it. That’s it.



Blondie is just as surprised at how easy it is to learn an instrument as I am.



“We” must? So you’ll be helping Blondie?! Awesome, I thought I was going to have to do it by myself. It’ll be great to have someone el…



Aww!! What the hell, Impa?! First Zelda sends Blondie on a ridiculously pointless fetch quest, and now you throw a Deku Nut at him! I don’t even know if I want to do this anymore.

Next Time on A Brief History of Time:

Blondie takes a part time job selling “happiness” (not prostitution) and then heads up the treacherous Death Mountain…but not before stopping to help a lovely young lady with her Cucco problem and robbing a few graves.

Maybe that's why it's the Weird Egg, because it's the one chicken in Hyrule, land of cuccos?

Be sure to check out the necklace that Not Mario was sporting for another cameo.

And sends the camera through the ground, apparently!


You haven't played Link's Awakening?



Edit: Oh! It bears mentioning that the castle courtyard theme is a laid-back arrangement of the Lost Woods theme from A Link to the Past.

FUN FACT: If you cut of a stalchild's head, it will wander around in circles since it can't see you. However, if you make any nois, it can somehow hear you, because stalchildren have ears in their torso.

You may want to rethink your choice in colors there. Red against green is nearly illegible. White or black (or white with a black outline) will work better.

Also:
Jesus Christ, woman! That dress is a couple of sizes too small, I think. I'm almost afraid to ask what game it's from.

The Oracle games for the Game Boy Color. Fortunately, that means the most you ever have to see of that design is a tiny little sprite.

Heh, I'm imagining that sprite in an overhead Zelda... an I see a head following boobs, and no feet.

Viewer Mail

I'm pleased to see a lot of people responding in this thread and I'd like to take a bit of time responding to you all.

Dude, what? Hell no. HELL NO Especially considering that there is absolutely no worthwhile reward for doing so (this will be covered in Episode 5).

I meant lost as in...you know, you can get lost in a book. That kind of lost.

I'm not saying what I think or not. I'm just throwing something out there for you all to think about when the inevitable "Here's my Zelda Timeline Theory" post comes at the end of the LP.

Multiple other people have said this too, so apparently I'm the only person in the world who never even thought of that. But hey, rupees is rupees no matter how you get them.

To be perfectly honest, it's been so long since I've done it the way that you're "supposed" to that I even forgot that that happens. But you're absolutely right.

Only Twilight Princess does that. OoT does it when you open a chest that has rupees but, well, don't you want to know what's in a chest after you open it?

Two things:

1) See Episode 5 for both Deku Stick upgrades. Coming soon to a Talking Time near you!

2) Really? I've never been able to make it. You're not really "supposed" to make it so I don't feel too bad about it.

This is true, but just as pointless as using the control stick. There's a slew of FAQs out there with actual songs played on the in-game ocarina if any of you are interested.

Technically, since I'm using an emulator and have access to Save States, I could beat it no problem. But that's cheating! I can't do that! I have to wait until I get the in-game item that lets me cheat! That kind of cheating is a-okay!

Or the rooster crowing at dawn.

You might see a bit of her gut. She needs to do some pilates or something, you know?

Anyway, Episodes 5 and 6 are already done, and while 7 and 8 have already been filmed/screenshotted, I'm in the process of writing/editing them. I'm going to hold off on posting all of that so you all won't get overwhelmed. I'll put #5 up Sunday or Monday.

Getting the Skulltulas is hella easy. You barely even have to go out of your way. They're nothing compared to masks or Poes or Golden Bugs or figurine collecting.

That's all he was referring to.

I seem to remember TP doing it for rupees on the GROUND whenever you restarted your game, and it was hella annoying.

But those poor people... You're just gonna leave them?! D: