A Brief History of Time (Ocarina of Time)

Fixed. Sorry everyone. I thought I changed the permissions last night but I guess I didn't. The videos are good to go now. I guess it's a good thing I double checked this thread before I went to work or else I'd REALLY look stupid. As opposed to only looking kind of stupid.

Yeah but I'm holding off on the frogs until I have all the songs and can get the Heart Piece. I was able to get all the beans I needed without them, so it's no big loss. I agree about Gerudo Valley, though. It's incredible.

It is, but I give it a pass because the proprietor is so cute.


Note that if you look at the bean salesman's tattoo sideways, it kind of resembles "1:01." With his pale complexion and blue tattoos, he also resembles the Bombchu salesman and treasure chest game proprietor in Castle Town.

If you hadn't already guessed, people were certain both of these things tied into some incredible time-based super-secret, which may or may not have ultimately led to the Trifroce.


Um, there's a helpful ladder right next to the gate.

And if you jump into the Gerudo Valley river, it carries you back to Lake Hylia.

That ladder is the speedy way out of the Lake Hylia area. Getting in takes a little more effort, as I recall.

I just checked to make sure. There's a ladder on both sides.

My memory isn't certain but can't you just barely aim the hookshot to reach the crate in the graveyard?

For the heart piece that's on top of the Dodongo's Cavern you can back flip off of the ledge you throw the bomb flower.

I liked the Bombchu Bowling Alley...

Alixsar: Once you've used up all of the Magic Beans you're going to buy, or even once you've picked up the [Biggoron's Sword], will you be showing off the [Bottles duplication trick]? It's been a while, but I remember it being easy to pull off, and [having another bottle on-hand] is always a nice thing to have.

Watch the second video.

This is all true, but I'm showing the way you're "supposed" to do it. It's also easier, and I'm having enough trouble putting this thing together as it is.

This is true. I always forget about the ladder leading in. Well, whatever. Blondie took the long way.

No. That's cheating. If I'm getting another bottle it's the legit way...but I really don't want to since it's time consuming and annoying. Unless if you all really want me to but please don't make me do that.

That's insane. I'd never heard of that before. Huh. Well, I can assure you all that it's bullshit.

You know, she reminds me of someone...



I guess technically Karen reminds me of the Bombchu Girl, but still.

we're not so different, you and I.

Ha ha, I always figured he was a cross-breed between a Zora and a Goron.

You're no fun.

I was able to sleepwalk through the final battles with three hearts and four bottles (of which I only used two). Five would just be excessive.

I know. I just think it's a fun glitch, is all - it's a great way to pawn off useless items like the Claim Check or Magic Beans in exchange for a few more bottles to carry around with, which is always a nice thing to have even if you don't actually end up using them. Even better is when you go completely overboard with it; nothing quite beats how ridiculous it is to walk into the fight with Ganon or another boss with no less than twenty-four bottled fairies in stock. Madness!

Shameless plug: I know it's been a week already. I'm late. But I'm working on something special for the next update, so please be patient with me. It'll be up in the next few days, hopefully tomorrow or the day after.

I'm finally ready to update, and Photobucket decides to go under maintenance. Fuckin' a. This post will be replaced by the first part of my update tomorrow morning. Fucking Photobucket!!!

Dammit, I was looking forward to a new update from this post!

As was I!

A Brief History of Time: Official Reader Contest

As you already know, Ocarina of Time is my favorite Zelda game. I feel that it is, by far, the most important title in the series. One area that I’m going to be talking about a lot in future updates is how great the dungeon music in Ocarina of Time is and how it and the art direction truly set the game apart. I’d be kidding myself if I didn’t admit that OoT steals quite a fair share of music from previous Zelda titles, though. So, I thought it would be neat if I took you all on:

A Musical Trip Through Time (I recommend that you listen to it as you read today's update)

Video Summary: The Zelda series has a lot of songs that have occurred in multiple games, and in this video I highlight some examples of Ocarina of Time borrowing liberally from other Zelda titles.

At the end of the video, you’ll hear the signature Zelda theme making an extremely well hidden appearance in the Hyrule Field Theme of OoT. To me, that particular “da da da da da dahhh”-noise instantly reminds me of Zelda. It’s something I associate with running through a field of monsters and deflecting rocks with my shield. It instantly takes me into the deepest dungeons and the highest mountains. These are all images and sounds that I instantly associate with Zelda.

But there are more; many more. Sitting in my sister’s room around the NES with my father and fighting through Death Mountain. Staying up all night at my friend Brian’s trying to conquer the Dark World. I could go on for pages about the good memories that thinking of the word “Zelda” instantly makes me recall.

But I’ve already talked a lot about Zelda, and I’m going to be talking about it a lot more before this LP is over. I think it’s time we hear from you.

I don’t want to hijack my own LP thread with pages of responses. So, let’s have a contest! It’s simple. Just answer the following question:

What does “Zelda” mean to you?

Answers can be as long or as short as you like. All replies must be submitted via Private Message or they will instantly be disqualified. All entries must be submitted by Saturday, March 14th.

The entry that I judge to be the best will be receiving a copy of The Legend of Zelda: Ganon’s Evil Tower DVD, as well as a few other non-Zelda prizes. The winning entry will also be displayed in this thread. Depending on the quality of the submissions, I may post more than one entry and give out more than one prize.

So what are you waiting for? Get writing!

Well, and read the rest of this update too, of course.

Episode 10: Fishin’, Fish-In, In a Fish, Fighting Fish, Out a Fish, Princess Fish: The Many Fish of Hyrule

We’re finally, finally almost into the real meat of the game. Just a few more small sidequests to wrap up and one more dungeon, and then we’ll be on our way to another boatload of sidequests and dungeons. At least these dungeons will be far more interesting and will allow me to go on many random tangents about how great Ocarina of Time is.

How Pierre Got His Groove Back



When I last left you all, Pierre still needed his groove back. Let’s play a song for him.



I wrote it myself!



The significance of this event may not be readily apparent. But for now, just keep in mind that we helped a scarecrow bust a move. If that’s not heroic, then I don’t know what is.

Legend of the River King



Before we leave to go confront Lord Jabu Jabu, let’s pay Hyrule’s Fishing Pond a visit.



That’s why we’re here, yeah. I could go on a long rant explaining the mechanics of fishing, but let’s not bother with that. After all, fishing isn’t about having the right tools or the know-how. Fishing is about getting in a boat with friends and getting extremely drunk because what the hell else are you going to do sitting on a boat for several hours?

Sounds good to me.

Blondie, you can’t drink! You’re too young!

Oh, so I can save my country from certain doom but I can’t have a bottle of Hyrulecastle Brown Ale?

You’re supposed to be setting an example. You’re the Chosen One, remember?

Chosen to be bored, yeah.



That’s right kids! With the new Nintendo Rumble Pak� for the Nintendo 64� game system, you can feel every bite! Feel the line tug as you reel in the big one! Feel every sword swing, every bomb blast! Feel your heart race as you chug a bottle of Milk!

The Nintendo Rumble Pak� uses the latest in “eats up AAA batteries like a fat guy eats cupcakes” technology to make sure that you spend a good chunk of your allowance each week on something that only adds a marginal element of enjoyment to a game!









Let me see if I have this right. This fish is almost as big as Blondie…yet it’s only 10 pounds. I know Blondie is just a kid, but I’m pretty sure he weighs more than 10 pounds. OoT has some overall outstanding art direction, so I’m willing to give them the occasional slip up like this.





Later in the game, we can head back here and get another prize for catching a bigger fish.

We can also get a special lure for our fishing rod, the Sinking Lure. To this day, I still don’t know what the requirements for getting the Sinking Lure are. The Sinking Lure will spawn in one of a handful of locations in the Fishing Pond but is invisible to the naked eye. You have to run over it before you can even know if it’s there. Some people say that you can get it at this point in the game; others say you have to wait. Some say that the time of day affects when it appears; others say it does not. I frankly don’t know because I’ve never been into the fishing game and, whenever I did get the Sinking Lure, I wasn’t checking to see what the conditions were. I’m sure a few of you are going to post your own theories in response to this. All I care about is the Heart Piece, which we’ve already gotten.

More Triangular Tits: Now With Added Crotch Shots!



Behind King Zora’s massive bum lies Zora’s Fountain, home of…uh, whatever the hell this thing is. It’s never made explicitly clear just what Lord Jabu Jabu is beyond “the guardian of the Zora”.



Fun Fact: See that fish or whale or whatever? The entire dungeon we’re about to play through takes place inside it. Two art direction missteps in one update? You’re starting to worry me, Ocarina of Time.



But first, let’s survey the surrounding area. A boulder, huh? Bombs should be able to take care of that.

…well, the boulder is still there but hey! That’ll work too.



Inside this mysterious cave is yet another Great Fairy’s Fountain.



This one has more crotch shots than the others we’ve visited. I…guess that’s a good thing? I find that most people don’t have enough vajayjay shots in their daily routine.





This fairy gives us Farore’s Wind, the most useless item in the game. Using Farore’s Wind once creates a warp point. Using it again allows you to warp to that specific point. There is never a time that you ever need this. Adding to its uselessness, it can only be used in dungeons.



And not even all of the dungeons. Thanks, Great Fairy. You’re a bitch.

Inside Lord Jabu Jabu



Alright, we need to get inside somehow, save Princess Ruto, and then find a way back out. When I was playing through this as a youngster, I kept trying to blow holes in the side of Jabu Jabu with bombs. While that makes perfect sense, that’s not how it’s done. It would save a lot of time, though.

Remember kids: Cannibalism? That's totally okay.

Video Summary: Blondie needs to get inside a giant fish to rescue a human sized fish. What better way to get inside a fish to find a fish than with a fish? (don’t answer that because it’s stupid)





Suddenly, everything is huge. Jabu Jabu was certainly bigger than Blondie, but he wasn’t this big. Quick, someone alert Miyamoto! The art director has gone missing! Send out a search party!



Our main enemies inside Lord Jabu Jabu are these bubbles. While Navi claims that they can’t be destroyed with a sword, it’s enti-

It’s true, they can’t!

Yes they can. You just need to use your thrust attack instead of your regular sword strike.

I’d like to use my thrust attack on Malon, if you know what I mean.

You stay out of this!

Yeah!

Well, excuuuuuse me!

My point is, these enemies aren’t anywhere near as intimidating as Navi’s description makes them out to be.



I know this looks like a…uh, well…it looks like…look, it’s a door okay? It’s a door, and not part of a woman’s genitalia. Man, between the vagina doors and crotch shots, this is easily the most NSFW entry yet. I don’t know if I should be ashamed or what.



These enemies, the Biri, are a far more serious threat than vaginas and bubbles. Blondie will get electrocuted if he comes into contact with a Biri. A Deku Seed or two will dispose of them, but they’re fairly aggressive and typically attack in groups. Luckily, we’ll be finding a quick and easy way to dispose of them inside this dungeon.





In the next room, Princess Ruto is standing around and doing nothing in particular.



It’s a song by The Police from the 1979 album Reggatta de Blanc. You messed up the title though; it’s “Message” not “Letter”.

Come on, they’re really good! Sting went on to have a very successful solo career and Stew-



Now you’re just being a bitch.



Man, you weren’t kidding! She is a bitch!



Ruto falls down a hole, and being the courageous fellow that he is, Blondie decides to go after her.

Wait, what?! No I don’t! She doesn’t even like The Police!

I don’t want to save her either, but this LP would be really boring if we stopped now. Get going.





You’ve been going inside a giant fish since you were little? What the hell is wrong with you? Don’t you have some board games you can play or something? You’ve got problems.



Look bro, she wants us to go. This place stinks and this bitch is really pissing me off. Let’s get out of here.

Ugh, fine. We’ll leave.



…But only because we have to. After leaving the room and returning, Ruto sees that you aren’t going to put up with her royal attitude. She reluctantly agrees to go ahead with you, provided that you carry her the entire way.

Oh you are not even fucking serious right now.



*hurgh* This is so weak.



On the positive side of things, Ruto can be thrown like any other item you can carry. This means you can use her to pop Shaboms, which never gets old.



These fellows are massive pains in the rear. They hide underground, fly into the air, and divebomb Blondie. Two well placed Deku Seeds will do them in, but they’re fairly quick and attack in groups. While you’re aiming at one, another will pop out of the ground behind you and hit you if you’re not careful. A lot of OoT’s enemies will do this: attack in groups and have one distract you while another attacks.



Several uninteresting rooms later, we run into these fellows. Right now we don’t have any weapons that can hurt them. Well, technically we could use a bomb but that’d be a waste considering that…





…several Stingers later, we have a Boomerang! The Boomerang is one of the classic Zelda items, having been in damn well near every game since the original. Just like in every Zelda that’s ever had a Boomerang, hitting an enemy will typically not hurt them. It will stun them, however. Since this dungeon gave us the Boomerang, it follows the traditional Zelda formula and makes most of the enemies in this dungeon vulnerable to the item we find inside it. For example, the Boomerang can be used to hit a Tailpasaran’s tail while staying safely out of the reach of its pincers.

Shortly after leaving this dungeon, we’ll basically never be using the Boomerang ever again. This is a god damn shame for reasons that I hope I don’t have to explain. We will be getting a new/improved Boomerang in the form of the *spoiler*, but it’s not quite the same.



The Boomerang can also be used to hit these…uh, whatever the hell they are.

Defeating that thing causes some tentacles that were blocking our way to disappear. Defeating the red tentacle thing-a-ma-bob opens up a path to fight a different colored tentacle thingy.



In this screenshot, Blondie breaks his own spine with his shield. Don’t try this at home, kids!





Another tentacle later, we find Zora’s Sapphire. Dungeon complete, right? Not quite. After throwing Ruto onto the platform with the Spiritual Stone, a giant Octorok appears. It’s midboss time!

Or at least it would be, except the video I created fighting the midboss became corrupted somehow and I forgot to make a save state (which I normally do before fighting a boss for just such an occurrence) before fighting the midboss.



I did get a screenshot of him dying though. That’s something, right? Right? No? *sigh* Sorry everyone, I’ll be more careful with the save state making next time. If it makes any of you feel any better, this is by far the worst mid boss fight in the entire game and it would have been boring to watch.



This puzzle might not seem like much now, but it was mind blowing at the time of OoT’s release. Blondie has to target a switch and maneuver his Boomerang around an obstruction in order to get into the boss room. Sure, 2D Zeldas had used the “hit the switch with a Boomerang” trick before, but they had never had a Link maneuver around obstructions and make sure that he was standing the correct distance before. It’s not terribly complex, but it is a tiny bit more to think about than in previous Zelda games.

Bio-Electric Anemone Barinade

It’s kind of like a giant top with jellyfish strapped to it.

Video Summary: Blondie squares off against a giant electric jellyfish blob monster, with mixed results.



I’m not sure I like where this is going. This isn’t going to turn into some weird Japanese porn movie, is it?





Thanks, I guess? What a backhanded compliment. Why are the women in this game such terrible, terrible people?



After being given yet another Hobson’s Choice regarding what he wants as a reward, Blondie is told about the true nature of the Zor-

I am not fucking doing this anymore. I am not marrying this fish. She doesn’t even like The Police!

You already said that.

I know, but it really pisses me off! How can you not like The Police? Synchronicity is a great album!

Hey, listen! You’re not going to have to marry her! Just take the stone! We need it to stop Ganondorf, remember!?

Ugh, fiiiine. I’ll take it.









Now we’re finally able to move on to the truly fun part of the game!



Don’t worry; I won’t.

The Long Road Home





Before we go back to Zelda with the three Spiritual Stones, let’s grab this Heart Piece. With the Boomerang in hand, Blondie can now easily retrieve it.



It also seems that we’ve managed to kill enough Gold Skulltulas to break another portion of the Skulltula’s curse. Reward time!



I take back what I said earlier. THIS is the most useless item in the game. Having the Stone of Agony will cause the Rumble Pak to rumble whenever you’re near a secret area. But since we aren’t using a Rumble Pak, this item serves us no purpose whatsoever. Thanks for nothing, Skulltula family!

Next Time on A Brief History of Time:

The shit hits the fan, like, for reals.

You know, I think the biggest shame in the world is that the SNES songs sound better than the N64 ones. Even at the time, when I was first being wowed by OoT's scope and story, I remember thinking that the music just wasn't as good.

If we ever do get a remake of OoT, I hope they put some serious time into revamping the soundtrack. I love the SONGS, but the actual sounds are just kind of flat.

Yeah, I don't believe the N64 sound card was very good.

On a related note, I was disappointed that even Twilight Princess used sequenced music as opposed to a full-on orchestra. That's the only thing the Zelda series has been missing so far. I mean, who hasn't had a serious case of spine-shivers when watching gaming symphonies on Youtube play Zelda songs?

Fun fact: the N64 had no dedicated sound card. It was all handled by the CPU.

I don't mind the midi music. Zelda has always been good about using dynamic music for the action, and you just can't do that with an orchestra.

Also, I thought that there WAS orchestra music for some of the cut scenes?

After the excellent SNES sound card, this is a huge crime. I feel the same way about the crappy speaker in the Wiimotes (the secret chime in TP makes my ears bleed).

True, I never thought of it that way. The way the music molds nicely into the battle themes when you're in the main fields probably couldn't have been done as smoothly with an orchestra.

Haha, yeah, you almost have to turn the Wiimote volume to the lowest output setting just so the sound doesn't come out too crunchily. Bad design, in my opinion.

At least the Stone of Agony is aptly named.