A Brief History of Time (Ocarina of Time)

Yeah, Ruto was a huge help. Couldn’t have done it without her.







And the two were BFFs forever.


Next Time on A Brief History of Time: Fishing in real life? Kind of boring. But in Ocarina of Time? …uh, still kinda boring. But we’ll get fabulous prizes! And isn’t that what really matters?

Great update! I'm pretty sure the fishing game in Ocarina of Time is better than any other fishing game ever, even the ones that don't include grand epic adventures.

You don't have to wait until Twilight Princess to see a solution for the iron boots problem! Majora's Mask's underwater solution is terribly elegant, but even as early as Wind Waker, the iron boots were an item you toggle rather than a menu setting. Oddly, for a game about the ocean, Wind Waker didn't have much in the way of water puzzles, so you didn't get to see much of that.

Speaking of Dark Link's voice actor - they pulled the same trick in Mario 64. Bowser and Boo have the same laugh at a different pitch.

And if you think medallions are useless or lame, I suggest you think again.

I won't comment on whether or not the Water Temple is brilliant or crap, but I do rather like it. Back in the day, Zelda dungeons were ordeals and the Water Temple was the...ordealiest. I got stuck for about two weeks trying to find that key under the floating platform in the central pillar and consequently got to know the place pretty well. Tried everything: hookshotting random materials, bombing wall discoloration, making the jump from the lower left corner of the top level platform to the alcove with the third water level change (I eventually made it, actually, just didn't help), you name it. Sure it was frustrating and tedious, but it made triumphing that much sweeter.

But yeah, switching the boots on and off was annoying.

Other than Mirror Link and Morpha, the entirety of the Water Temple can kiss my ass.

But it's all good times from here - the next two temples are a blast.

It's been longer than I thought since I last played this game...
Thanks (again?) Alixsar, for giving me a sweet, snarky trip down Memory Ln!
I'm inclined to agree with this, since I like the Shadow Temple's aesthetic, and all I remember about the Spirit Temple is the awesome boss fight.

I have to say, I've been playing Okami on the Wii, and I think that it has a better fishing game than any of the Zeldas.

Sir? Sir!

Isn't "BFFs forever" redundant anyway?

Yarg. It's like saying "ATM Machine."

We can be BFF forever friends!

Best BFF forever friends even.

That's the whole point. People who say BFF and mean it are the kinds of people who talk like...ah nevermind. You guys are no fun.

Look, they're just auditioning for a VH1 popculture retrospective. Cut em some slack eh?

We can be best BFF forever friends forever.

I'm sorry everyone but I'm afraid there won't be an update this week. Sunday night I got a really bad virus on my computer. I've been trying to fix it, and I've had some friends look at it, but all to no avail. I'm taking it to someone tomorrow to see if they can fix it...but who knows how that will go?

So I guess what I'm saying is that until I get my PC issues ironed out, I'm putting this LP on semi-hiatus. Not because I want to, but because I don't have a choice. I am still committed to this...but I'm not sure what's going to happen because of this whole mess. Ill keep you all posted.

Also, the internet on a Blackberry sucks. I miss my PC.

Oh crap, Alixsar's PC has swine flu! I think this means we shouldn't message him for a week and have to wear a mask when posting in his threads.

Important info here.

My goal is to get back to where I was within a month's time. I think that's pretty do-able given my current schedule. I'm hoping to be back in business before hitting the one month mark, but I guess we'll see.

I'm sorry it had to happen like this, everyone. On the positive side of things, I have grandiose plans for the eventual return of A Brief History of Time and a few new ideas for subsequent updates. So don't think of it as a delay...it's a reboot! Or a relaunch! Something like that. It's way less depressing/infuriating to think of it that way.

Twilight Princess?

Sorry to hear about your computer, losing that much work must be terrible. Still, I anxiously await Blondie's Glorious Return.

Well, kind of. Except this will actually be done right. Ha ha! Zing!

It's time. McDohl/Brick's epic Final Fantasy I LP started up right at about the time mine exploded and it's been extremely popular. Eddie's ridiculously thorough interactive FAQ/Let's Play and McDohl/Brick's LP both put my efforts to shame. So much so that I wondered if the LP forum even needed or wanted my LP to come back.

But forget that kind of talk. I said I was going to finish it, I want to finish it, and by golly, it's time I finish this thing once and for all.





Click title to view video!

Video Summary: A while back, my computer bit the big one. I got hit with a ridiculously nasty virus. While I was able to keep most of the core parts of my PC, I lost pretty much everything on my hard drive (including my entire Let's Play). It was a drag, to say the least.

But now everything is working, and although I need to start all over again from the beginning, I'm finally going to do it again. My goal is to finish everything up in this next month and release updates slowly over August.

Get ready. Blondie is back on August 1st.

I can't watch this right now, as I am at work, but I just wanted to say that variety is the spice of life, and your LPs are bring a different style that is welcomed. So, you know, don't be so emo. We like you, too.

Don't worry, it's not much of a video. It's more "cute" than actually funny or anything. It was just an excuse for me to set a date when I'll finally get this thing going again, so there you go. I also just wanted to remind people that this thing still existed since it's been overshadowed by some really amazing LPs lately.

OH HAI

Well, this is it. It's been a good long while, but we're finally back. Exciting, isn't it?

Yeah, this is just thrilling.

Come now, it's about time you do some actual work around here. We all had a nice vacation, but now we've got to see this thing through to the end.

Just in case you missed some of my previous entries, a while back my computer bit the big one. KO. End of story. As a result, I've had to restart Ocarina of Time from the very beginning. The end results were fairly similar, but there were a few slight deviations:

- I didn't bother getting the Deku Stick or Nut upgrades this time. Because, really, what is the point?

- I didn't bother doing any of the Mask Salesman stuff. Again, because what is the point? The Mask of Truth isn't really worth the effort if you ask me, and you all saw how to do it so why tread over the same ground?

- I also did a handful of things that I had forgotten to do previously, which will be covered shortly.

And just so you don't all have to go back and reread the entire Let's Play...

Let's Montage!

Blondie, a young fairy boy from Kokiri Village was tasked by the Great Deku Tree to destroy a curse that has been placed upon him.



He failed spectacularly.

WHAT THE HELL!? He said he was doomed no matter what I did! It was a coming-of-age kind of thing! Even though there was no way to stop it, he showed me that I had the courage to tackle a fearsome dungeon full of deadly creatures! It was one of those "You had the power within you all along"-deals!

I know. I just enjoy seeing people get worked up over nothing.



Shunned by the rest of Kokiri and spurred on by the dying words of the Great Deku Tree, Blondie-

*ahem*

...and his new fairy Navi...

That's better.

...leave Kokiri Village to search for the Spiritual Stones.



Blondie's friend/pseudo-love-interest-kinda-sorta-maybe Saria is sad to see him go, and in a bit of poorly executed foreshadowing, Saria claims that she somehow always knew he would leave. Saria then gives Blondie a stale potato as a parting gift. Blondie runs away without saying a word, making this officially the most awkward "goodbye" sequence in any video game ever.



After meeting a talking owl...



...and breaking several hundred rupees worth of pottery, Blondie decides to meet with Princess Zelda. Zelda warns Blondie that a man named Ganondorf is plotting to enter the Sacred Realm and steal the Triforce, a fantastically powerful device. With it, Gannondorf could conquer the land of Hyrule! Despite being mere children, Zelda convinces Blondie that the two of them are the only ones capable of saving Hyrule. Zelda reveals that the Spiritual Stones that Blondie is searching for are the key to opening the door to the Sacred Realm. What better to stop Ganondorf from getting the Triforce than getting it first (don't answer that because it's insanely stupid but it's also the driving force for the first 1/4th of the game)?





Meet Sharp the Elder and Flat the Younger. Earlier in this Let's Play, I showed how to obtain the Composer Brothers secret melody, the Sun's Song. As Kishi pointed out at the time, just beside the grave you have to enter to get the Sun's Song lie the graves for the two brothers. Sharp and Flat behave exactly the same as regular Poe enemies. They're similar to the Little Women Poes from the Forest Temple in this respect. They don't really do much of anything, but it's nice that they put them in there anyway. The models for Sharp and Flat return in Majora's Mask (as would most of OoT's characters), where they play a far more important role.

After killing some time at Lon Lon Ranch and meeting some locals in Kakariko Village (as well as a fair amount of graverobbing), Blondie scales the not-so-aptly named Death Mountain. Darunia, Chief of the Goron Tribe that lives on the mountain, tasks Blondie with killing a bunch of exploding dinosaurs. After killing all of the monsters, Darunia rewards Blondie with the second Spiritual Stone (the first having been given to Blondie by the Deku Tree before it died).





Earlier in the Let's Play, I neglected to mention that the Bombchu Bowling Alley also gives a Bomb Bag as a reward. This and the reward you get for stopping Hot Rodder in Goron City nets you a total of 40 bombs. ...not like it really matters, since the default 20 is more than enough to beat the game with. But it's nice to have options, you know?





After spending some time fishing, Blondie sets forth to rescue a fish from inside a fish. During my initial playthrough of the third dungeon, my PC experienced some technical difficulties during the midboss fight with the Giant Octorok. Well, thanks to having to restart the game, I can now show this simplistic midboss fight. Enjoy!



Click title to view video!

Video Summary: Blondie uses his newly found Boomerang to fight an extremely easy mid boss, while Alex discusses one of the more important things in life.

With Princess Ruto free from the evil clutches of Lord Jabu Jabu's digestive system, Blondie obtains the last Spiritual Stone...but all is not well. Ganondorf catches wind of Zelda's plan and forces her to flee Hyrule Castle. Blondie receives the titular Ocarina of Time and opens the Door of Time with the Stones. This (somehow) allows Ganondorf to obtain the Triforce. Blondie gets stuck in what basically amounts to purgatory for seven years. When he awakens, he is now a teenager. Rauru, the Sage of Light, gives some bullshit explanation for why Blondie had to be put in purgatory and then tasks him with destroying Ganondorf once and for all. Being the good whipping boy that he is, Blondie agrees to help undo all the badness he accidentally caused. As if this isn't enough bullshit, the majority of Blondie's inventory is now unusable.



Immediately after entering the new, completely messed up Hyrule, Blondie meets the mysterious Sheik. Throughout the game, Sheik will appear periodically and give Blondie all sorts of cryptic clues. His first clue is that Blondie will need to venture into a number of temples, each with it's own elemental theme. After clearing each temple of the evil within, Blondie will become strong enough to vanquish Ganondorf once and for all. Sheik has a penchant for the dramatics, and always makes a flashy (Get it?! HA!) entrance and exit. Is he friend or foe? Only time will tell!

After meeting an insufferable jackass with the most awesome shirt collar ever, Blondie decides that Robin Hood had the right idea.





Five finga discount WHAT









The new, messed up Hyrule has no shortage of weirdos with mundane tasks to charge Blondie with.

Whew! I was worried there for a moment! What would we do if there weren't jackasses who wanted me to jump through hoops for them?

We'd probably stick to the dungeons, and this would end up being some kind of rogue-like.

Eww.

Yeah, eww.

Tell me about it.





Blondie ventures deep into the heart of the forest near Kokiri Village and discovers the dilapidated Forest Temple. After conquering the evil inside, Blondie discovers that psuedo-love-interest-kinda-sorta-maybe/inappropriate hentai subject Saria is one of the seven Sages. Who didn't see that one coming? Onward, to the next Temple!





But first, let's knock out some lesbian(?) bandits and rescue some lazy fat guys. Developers, take note! If you're going to do a stealth section in a non-stealth game, do it like this. Make sure there's no penalty for getting caught and make it short.



While I have figured out how to get the Dual Shock's sticks to work with my emulator, sensitivity is still something of an issue. It's not noticeable during the game proper, but aiming in first person with the Hookshot or Bow is something of a chore. Like last time, I was able to get a score high enough to earn the Heart Piece in the Gerudo's Horseback Archery Contest. And like last time, I won't be trying to get a perfect score for the arrow quiver upgrade because 1) we don't need it 2) I'm lazy and 3) it'll still be nigh impossible with my emulator.



Blondie eventually heads for Death Mountain, saves all the Gorons from Whack-a-Dragon Volvagia, and awakens Darunia as a Sage.

Really? You mean the only unique looking Goron we met as a child is a Sage? Who could have seen that one coming?

Hey, this game is good because it's fun and well designed, not because it's story is anything to write home about.





Another room I forgot to mention previously is this room in Goron City. Once you obtain the Megaton Hammer from the Fire Temple, you can come here and bust a path through all the grey (and unbreakable) rocks. You'll find a few chests with rupees in them for your troubles, including...

Wow! Now if only money was worth a damn in this game!



Remember that the Megaton Hammer can break brown rocks anywhere, like here in Gerudo Valley. You'll find a number of rupees, hidden areas, and Gold Skulltulas if you break every brown boulder you see.



Next, Blondie heads for the now frozen Zora's Domain. After a mini dungeon, Blondie obtains a few key items that he'll need to traverse underwater areas. These items are absolutely essential for the Water Temple. ...well, okay if you were good you might not need the Zora's Tunic...but the Iron Boots? Those are essential.



Once you have the Iron Boots, you can obtain a Heart Piece in Hyrule Field. There is a river in between Castle Town and Gerudo Valley (See that cobblestone section on the far wall? That's where the river begins.), and if you use a bomb near this particular tree, a hole will open up.



Inside is a lone Tektite and...



...a Heart Piece! Just put on the Boots and sink down to get it. This one is fairly easy to get and I can't believe I forgot to do it earlier.



Blondie then traveled to the Water Temple, which was much less frustrating this time through since I just did it a few months ago.

And that brings us to now. We've still got two Temples left to conquer, as well as large number of Heart Pieces to find and bullshit to deal with. Let's go save Hyrule!

...But first thing's first. This is Zelda. You can't just rush ahead to the next dungeon. Nonono, there's a ton of sidequests for us to complete. Let's go take care of some unfinished business around Hyrule before we head to the next Temple.



Each time you beat the Water Temple, Blondie will find himself on the island in the middle of the newly refilled Lake Hylia. Since the cutscene that takes place after beating the Water Temple is set at sunrise, the sun will always be rising immediately after you beat the Water Temple. What better to follow this plaque's random suggestion?



Remember to bring your protective eyewear, of course.







Looks like somebody up there likes us!

Yes...or we just blew off a piece of the sun, which makes no sense at all.

And a God of some kind rewarding us for pulling off a trick shot does?

Hmm, right. I guess this is just completely insane now matter how you slice it.

I think you're both missing the point. I can shoot fire now.

Once again Blondie, your dedication is inspiring to us all.

It's true; with the Fire Arrows equipped, each arrow Blondie shoots consumes a small amount of his Magic Meter. But each arrow he shoots will burst into flames when it impacts it's target. Several puzzles in upcoming dungeons take advantage of this item so it's a good thing we snagged it now. It's fairly easy to miss if you're like me and you don't bother reading a lot of inscriptions on statues or talking to NPCs. The Fire Arrows are essential to beating the game so make sure you don't miss it.

As I mentioned in the last real update, the emulated version I'm playing has some sort of glitch where the Scarecrow's Song will not work properly. If it had been working, I could've accessed the fishing hole before the Water Temple...but no matter. Now that Lake Hylia is refilled, I can simply swim there. Let's go fishing!



Behold! The only NPC in the game (aside from the Sages) who actually remembers who Blondie is as an adult! Almost every NPC will remark that you "remind them of someone...", but no one ever explictily states that they remember you. Even Mido doesn't remember who you are after you tell him about Saria's "death". It's insane. No one can remember you except the fishing guy? What the hell?



Oh, you know...this and that. Being frozen in time mostly. You?



So you lived for seven years on the 20 rupees I gave you?

Well, he can eat fish for free...but there's the cost of feed and cleaning supplies...but he always could grow food for the fish too...but that would require farming tools...

Maybe he's in league with Gannondorf! This could be a trap! Gannondorf's been supplying him with food and tools so he can raise an army of devil fish!

Or maybe you guys are thinking way too hard.

Back in 1998, Seinfeld references were still considered edgy and hip.



Boring fishing mechanics aside, look what Blondie found!

So...it's bigger than Blondie...yet it weighs 20...

Too hard.

Right...



Catching the 20 pounder nets Blondie the Golden Scale. Blondie can now dive underwater for a longer period of time. Not super useful, but there is one particular instance where it's essential.

Now that we've caught the Lunker, we can gain access to the fishing hole's secret treasure: the Sinking Lure. First you'll need to leave the Fishing Hole and re-enter. Start fishing, and then explore the follow areas:



The grass surrounding the pond.



The stream that feeds into the pond.



The log in the pond.

If you've caught the 20 lb.-er, you'll be able to find the Sinking Lure in one of these locations. With the Lure, fish are much, much easier to catch. They'll also be illegal to catch with the lure. If you find the Lure and then talk to Fishing Guy, he'll make it legal to catch fish with the Sinking Lure so you can keep fish that you've caught with it. You may be wondering what the point of it being illegal in the first place is.

As with most things pertaining to the fishing hole, just don't think about it. It doesn't make sense and it never will.

The only real reason you'd ever want to find the Lure is to catch the infamous Hylian Loach. The Loach is something of a myth in Ocarina of Time. It's extremely hard to find and even harder to catch. The Loach is an eel that weighs over 30 lbs. You'll get fifty rupees for catching it, which is a piss poor prize considering how hard it is to catch. The real satisfaction in catching it is knowing that you've done everything you can in Ocarina of Time. Needless to say, I will not be catching the Loach. It takes literally hours to do and there's no real reward so why bother? But if you're playing along at home and you want to try it, here's a tip. Fish at night. And make sure you scope out the pond and see where he is first. The Sinking Lure is an absolute must as well.



Now that we have the Golden Scale, it's time to make use of it.



Diving to the bottom of the small pool within the Lakeside Labratory...



...and then talking to the old man will net you yet another Heart Piece.



That's sixteen, folks. Two more Temples means eighteen hearts no matter what, so we're just eight pieces away from the maximum heart count.



Before we go, there's a Gold Skulltula at the bottom of the pool in the Labratory. Let's put on our Boots and grab it.



There's also Jaws. ...yeah, I don't know either.



Back at the top of Gerudo Fortress is yet another "Hey use the Scarecrow's Song and Hookshot it"-area. But screw that! We don't need a Scarecrow when we have the Longshot.

BAM!

Seven to go, y'all.



But wait; there's more! Back in Gerudo Valley, there's a small ledge you can jump to with a boulder on it. Now that we have the Longshot, we can Longshot from that ledge to another with a box on it. And can you guess what's inside?





Booya! Six to go. Now, let's get started on looking for the next Temple! Navi, any ideas?



That...that isn't very helpful.

Well, let's see...who did we meet when you were younger who had a first name that we haven't encountered yet? There was Darunia, Saria, Ruto...

Wasn't there some chick who kept rubbing herself?

Impa! Blondie, you're a genius!

I always knew that thinking of women rubbing their breasts would come in handy someday.

Next Time on A Brief History of Time: Kakariko Village is under attack! Blondie uncovers the hidden location of the Shadow Temple, but not before going back in time and causing all hell to break loose. Will Blondie and Navi be able to see through the mysterious trickery of the Shadow Temple?

It still blows my mind you can just jump the gate. It never occurred to me to do that - I always go over the wall.

At least my way is more dramatic.