Xenosaga: Was mi�riert

Is she… mutating in the tube? That’s gross. Can we go now?



Shion is practically scared silent, Allen is asking this question about whether there’s a point to all this.



Reminder: we’ve got an inventory full of ‘em.



Turns out gnosis are made of… salt. You know, I was just thinking that the kids today don’t know squat about sodium.



I haven’t watched Full Metal Alchemist in a while, but I’m going to go ahead and say that the human body is made up of pretty mundane components, too. Granted, we can’t shoot lasers out of our eyes or… okay, when I say “we”, I’m not including chaos.



“No one really knows why those who survive Gnosis encounters always turn into one of them. Some people think they're a new type of virus; other say they're beings from another dimension who take on temporary forms in this one.”

I think that dimension theory probably has some merit, given the whole Hilbert Effect thing, but virus would make sense with the contact factor…



Oh, right, Shion was grabbed by a gnosis at one point, just like Cherenkov.



So Shion asks if anyone has ever survived gnosis contact without becoming a big salty alien. “Nope,” replies Junior. Great answer!



Junior continues his spiel, and Shion’s neck suddenly itches. Don’t think about it, don’t think about it, don’t think…



Allen never stops staring at Shion, so he immediately notices something is wrong.



Shion lies.



As I noted back when the gnosis were introduced, the idea behind these creatures is that they’ve been around forever, just falsely identified by primitive cultures as mythical creatures like minotaurs, unicorns, and manbearpigs. But they really started showing up in droves after…



Bum bum buuuuum. Yeah, the Miltian Conflict is basically Year Zero for Xenosaga.



And Junior specifically blames Joachim Mizrahi, father of MOMO, teacher of Kevin, and all-around mad scientist. He was an excellent chef, too, but no one ever mentions that.



Geez, dude, don’t take it personally.



Shion mentions, in passing, that the guy was kind of a genius who invented every damn thing in this universe (and founded U-TIC), but Junior isn’t having it.



At this point, it’s not quite clear if we’re supposed to take Junior seriously, or just wait until he claims Mizrahi is responsible for everything from JFK to stretch pants. Whatever the case, MOMO is not taking it well.



MOMO quietly walks away while Junior finally elaborates on the Kukai Foundation’s origins. Honestly, it’s a very “real” explanation: they were just a government committee founded (and funded) to investigate exactly what went wrong with (First/Old) Miltia, but, as time went on, people lost interest, and the Kukai Foundation kinda became an independent entity in an effort to keep food on the table.



And, as obliquely mentioned earlier, they were miraculously good with their investments, and now they’re basically the Apple of the Future (as a sort of counter to Vector’s Microsoft).



But who cares, because Junior just made a little Realian cry.



For the first time since Cherenkov’s boss room, we’ve got control again, and everyone but MOMO is just milling around the quarantine hangar. I don’t know about you guys, but whenever there’s mutant salt monsters floating around in tubes nearby, I do my best to leave the area.

Let’s take a brief moment to look at what just happened here. Between the last update (a planet and a farknocker both transform into gnosis), and the more blunt explanation here, this is all we’re going to get on gnosis information for the game. Gnosis are “monsters” but there’s also a human component, though no one knows how that works. More importantly, we’ve set up a lovely ticking time bomb for our heroine. In more mundane terms, Shion just received a cancer diagnosis, and she’s not telling her friends, or, really, even fully admitting it to herself. Dramatic tension! Actually, considering how the gnosis are threat numero uno in this universe, this is practically a zombie story now, and Shion is that one character hiding a scratch until she gets a hankering for brains. While this thread is resolved… poorly (the “answer” is revealed in two games, and requires a very distinct reading coupled with remembering exactly what happened to Cherenkov), in the meanwhile, it’s an excellent source of pressure for the player/viewer (“When’s she gonna turn! Tell a friend, Shion! Write a will!”), and will also serve to explain some weirdness that Shion experiences through the rest of the series. Basically, this whole gnosis thing is an easy explanation for why Shion is so damn weird for the rest of the series, even though we’ll get a bonus explanation much, much later. Remember, she has been seeing Red since the Woglinde…



Anyway, I guess Ziggy is on cyborg break, so Shion and KOS-MOS venture forth to find MOMO, who just… train? We’re on a spaceship. There’s a train?



Yep! Train! The Durandal is friggen huge, so there’s a monorail/train system to aid your travel time. There’s a lot to explore, but we’ll handle that later, we’ve got to find MOMO!



We’ll check the Park, because if I was upset, I’d hit the place with the best chance of containing a puppy.



Looks like a pretty nice park. We’ve got night lighting (that can’t be good for the plants) and… fireflies? In space?

CONTINUED NEXT POST

Aw, sad MOMO.



When I construct my robots, I always build in a kill switch that activates the minute they get existential.



Don’t worry, MOMO, Shion is here to save the day!



Seriously, if you can remember back to the Woglinde, Shion literally just wants to be a Realian psychiatrist when she grows up. The only reason she’s still at Vector is so she can nurture her beloved death-bot, and her bosses have already told her she’s off the case when she gets back home. Coupled with recent issues, Shion needs a win here.



And this is an easy one! Just lie! Sure, half the universe seems to blame your father for the destruction of the other half of the universe, and, yeah, if he is responsible for letting the gnosis loose, he’s got a death toll in the billions, and that’s even before we get into at least two dead planets… but… uh… where was I going with this?



This little nanite of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.



Alright, so they’re not just lightning bugs, they’re teeny tiny robots built to look like lightning bugs, and they oxygenate the air and clean up the place, and, yes, they were invented by Dr. Mizrahi. See, MOMO, these things are only responsible for, what, like 2% of universal deaths, tops, and your crazy dad made ‘em!



Shion, naturally, brings it all back to the idea that these “bugs” look like they belong here, and, even though they were invented within the last century, now we can’t live without them. This is, obviously, a stealth comment on how Shion sees all Realians and androids as “people”, and not things, because that was a long ass dungeon we just waded through, time to remind the audience what our characters are all about.



You’d think future folk would get away from using the phrase “in this world,” particularly when having a conversation on a spaceship.



“Despite universal evidence to the contrary, your dad was probably a pretty swell guy.”



KOS-MOS chimes in, and points out that Mizrahi’s research led to her own creation. If you’re really paying attention, I think this is supposed to be yet another clue as to the relationship between Kevin (KOS-MOS’s dad) and Mizrahi.



But all Shion notices is that KOS-MOS is being remotely sympathetic to sad MOMO, and Shion is on cloud nine at her favorite murderdroid’s sudden bout of empathy.



“Mom, don’t embarrass me. I'm just doing what I do.”



MOMO is amused… MISSION COMPLETE!



And Shion has to get in one of those damn mom-jabs. Mom, do you always have to insult me in front of my friends?



MOMO mentions that, while she wasn’t 100% activated/awake at the time, she remembers daddy talking about how she could become human by committing good deeds. Let’s… hope he was speaking metaphorically. I’m not sure I could deal with a visit from the Blue Fairy about now.



Speaking of trying to be a real human, here’s Allen!



“Aren’t you excited, boss?! We’re gonna go back to HQ, and you’re going to be separated from that robot you’re always doting on! Maybe we can get burgers!”



Shion lampshades the plot. Isn’t the fact that everybody is going to Second Miltia just a little too convenient?



Remember how Allen was whining about having to hang out with a bunch of mutants yesterday? Well now he’s totally stoked about the fact that his room has a hot tub. Dude is pretty much dancing in the aisles because someone upgraded his seat from coach.



There was some discussion here on Allen being possibly sympathetic. There’s no question that, practically from his introduction, Allen is the toilet paper scraped against the filthy ass of the universe. However, I’m convinced it was the job of some Xenosaga plotter to make sure that, after a certain amount of time passes in the plot, we must all be reminded that Allen is a weak-willed weenie boy. This week: Allen is space-racist, but will love you if you offer complimentary soap. To be clear, I’m not saying this makes Allen unsympathetic, simply that I’m pretty sure it’s someone’s job to make sure you don’t start thinking he could ever be a real boy.



So that was the last “required” thing you have to do on the Durandal before advancing the plot. If you’d like, just walk Shion over to her (totally awesome, yes, thank you, Allen) room, take a nap, and move on to the next bit. But this is a brand new space-town, so let’s explore a little.



The Park area is happy and shiny and mostly has Realians and humans milling about doing nothing much. This friendly Realian notes that, while Realians are unique snowflakes, they have general personality settings for different sectors. That seems… kinda Orwellian.



Here’s the Hangar, which doubles as the armory. Here and a number of other places in the ship have random dudes and locks that bar you entry from places that are clearly hiding treasure. I wonder what that means…



This is the edge of the Hangar, which you may recognize as the spot where Junior and company disembarked to raid that U-TIC ship a couple updates back. We won’t be using this area like that ever again, but the save point is still there, and I wind up revisiting this area quite a bit because it’s the shortest monorail-to-save point access on the ship.

CONTINUED NEXT POST

This is the Residential Area. Shion’s room is down this hallway, but we’re not going there quite yet. Not pictured: the robot that brags to Shion about watching her sleep.



There’s a complete casino in the Residential Area, and while you can’t just belly up to a craps table, you can grab this -Casino Passport- and then play around at a nearby save point. I won’t be doing that. Ever.



Talking to random Durandal NPCs… will make you wish you hadn’t.



Here’s the Bridge, complete with its staff of 100-Series Realians. Realians: an easy excuse not to model a hundred unique humans since the Woglinde.



And down at the Dock you can reboard the Elsa if you’d like. Wow, the Durandal is so big, the Elsa fits inside it like it’s nothing. BE IMPRESSED!



Alright, short of talking to every stupid NPC, that’s the ship. Let’s take a nap and move on.



The Durandal is now approaching… hm… appears to be the Metal Bender Kingdom. This explains why Lin is so on edge.



No, wait, it’s a bubble colony, and, specifically, the Kukai Foundation proper. It’s, like, a fake planet.



“Fake” in that this is what a septillion space bucks can buy you. “Land” isn’t really a concern when you can just construct your own titanic fishbowl.



Here comes the money shot, ladies and gentlemen.



Yes, it’s sped up, but this is the Durandal docking with the Kukai Foundation, where giant ship Durandal transforms into a gargantuan skyscraper. And I bet some Xenosaga nerd was responsible for writing a seventeen page essay on exactly how the gravity works during this sequence.



Mary, Shelly, and a new fellow are the welcoming committee.



Ziggy totally spends all his time off reading Space People Magazine.



Gaignun just won the “best dressed” award for the game.



Shion recognizes that this guy kinda looks like that other guy.



Everyone really needs to learn the definition of “within earshot.”



Gaignun extends a hand in friendship, and Shion distinctly notices that Junior isn’t the only dude around here that has been numbered for your convenience.



Shion is getting a weird vibe off this dude. Allen is threatened by the handsome, rich, inevitably hung like a horse mutant that is talking to his chief.



And Gaignun takes time out of his day to personally address lil’ Miss Macguffin.



I assure you, this statement is not nearly as creepy as this screenshot may make it appear. We’re saving that for Albedo.



MOMO has some concerns, and Gaignun… ignores them. “That’s right, little girl, your mother doesn’t give a damn. Where’s my brandy?”



On the way out, Gaignun takes a second to check out Allen’s pasty white butt. “That Summer we spent in Second Milan… no, that can’t be him…”



Scene change, now we’ve got Junior and Gaignun chilling in their posh office. They’re discussing KOS-MOS and that whole crazy space laser thing she pulled off a day or so back.



Gaignun is interested in Shion, presumably for completely platonic reasons. Incidentally, while Xenosaga didn’t need yet another cutscene, I kind of like this interaction here, as these two basically just met the RJWs, and, let’s be real, they’re a pretty weird lot. It humanizes the characters, and affirms that, yes, audience, odd stuff is happening. I wouldn’t mind a similar scene in, say, Final Fantasy 7 wherein Barrett and Red XIII discuss the fact that a dracula just crept out of a basement to join the party, and they’re supposed to be okay with this? I mean, I thought we’d draw the line at that ninja that tried mugging us back in the woods…



Anyway, yeah, within three seconds of your introduction, she pieced together that there might be something up with the two guys that look exactly the same and have eerie, glowy hand tattoos. She’s friggen Detective Conan here.

CONTINUED NEXT POST

Junior is not very observant.



But he does know that Vector, and Shion by extension, are involved in a very classified project, one also involving a fellow named Helmer.



Ya know, there’s a whole lot of yakking about Zohars in this game, but we haven’t really seen them do anything. Well, except that bit where one disappeared an entire planet, but that wasn’t exactly intentional.



Junior suggests we all be a little nicer to our young robo guests.



Big Master sees right through Little Master.



Ah, that’s a fun thing to know.



There’s a little bit of debate on whether or not MOMO is right to hold an optimistic picture of her father. Legitimately, if you guys only met the dude upon his death, he probably wasn’t having a good day to begin with.



No, that isn’t a euphemism, Gaignun is basically saying Junior should just ask her out already. What’s the point of being rich if you can’t take your robo-girlfriend to your private beach?



Someone has a cruuuuuuuuush.



Gaignun considers he might be a little too hard on the little guy, so he forks over a gift.



Yay! Antique Guns! Perfect for a kid! Fun fact: due to a translation error, when Junior is using these guns in Episode 2, they’re misnamed “Makalov” guns.



Junior looks that gift horse right in the mouth.



“Remember when you nearly got our prize ship destroyed in a swarm of gnosis, but were saved at the absolute last moment by a literal deus ex machina? Good job.”



Is anyone surprised by this statement? Junior is actually older than Gaignun, and I can’t tell if Xenosaga expects you to be shocked, or if it’s a throwaway line, because, come on, we’re at least ten hours into this nonsense, you know everyone is hiding something, right? Speaking of which, we should probably take a look at…



Roger Smith performs a much needed job in a city of amnesia. Wait, no, thinking of something else…

Gaignun Kukai aka Nigredo aka URTV #669 aka billionaire industrialist Bruce Wayne is Batman.

Wait, no, wrong again. Gaignun is, bah, can we just get this out of the way? He’s another clone baby from the same batch as Junior and Albedo, thus, ya know, all their hair colors matching their “real” names, and the presence of a powerful telepathy between the trio (that was already mentioned by Mary). Gaignun appears to be the most successful clone, running/ruling the Kukai Foundation while Junior gallivants around the universe. Gaignun is generally helpful, and will assist the party quite a bit right up until the very moment it’s revealed that he’s secretly had yet another Xenosaga villain kicking around in his head this whole time. In the meanwhile, Gaignun is fiercely protective of his clone bro Junior, and kind of acts like… what’s that word where your lover gets all randomly jealous and mean when you mention your ex, even though there’s nothing to worry about? Albedo is the ex.



Anyway, back to Shion over in her quarters, seemingly depressed, but Allen is here to help out.



It’s nice that Allen cares about Shion enough to notice her overt depression. It’s not like Ziggy is swinging by to make sure everyone is alright.



Shion deflects, as usual.



Allen, gotta say, it’s nice to have a guy in a JRPG that is willing to sit down and listen and…



“WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT IN HERE, MOTHERFUCKERS? EMOTIONS? FUCK EMOTIONS! WE’RE GOING TO THE MOTHERFUCKING BEACH, MOTHERFUCKERS! *BUUUUUURP*”



We’re off to the beach! Ziggy and KOS-MOS both have excuses to not come out and play, because no one bothered to figure out how swimsuits would even work for these two. Don’t worry, that will be rectified in Episode 2.



This shuttle is right by the Elsa in the Dock, and it’s how we get down to the beach. Wooo! Spring Break!



Woo! Volleyball! Spring Break! … and I think Allen is drowning? Spring Break!



Shion takes this time to sit in a beach chair and flashback to happier, Kevin-related times. Aw, Kevin thinks KOS-MOS has a heart.



Ah, when Shion was young and na�ve and could believe an android would have emotions.

CONTINUED NEXT POST

Kevin is such a romantic. No wonder Shion is still daydreaming about this dude two years later.



I’m starting to wonder if the entire reason Shion looks like… Shion was so that when this girl is happy to hear something, you damn well know it. Shion is beaming at the thought of KOS-MOS being emotional.



Kevin doesn’t look as excited.

Head’s up: as mentioned before, Kevin is a complete maniac, but Shion only sees him through a thick lens of nostalgia and love. While this scene is framed to show a Kevin that seems to have the same delusions as Shion, in reality, this is much more like a guy who hates all of humanity realizing that he accidentally created a robot that is not only physically better than a human, but also, potentially, emotionally “better” as well. Take that, God, I’m better than everybody!



Anyway, Shion is quixotically searching for some hard data to confirm that KOS-MOS was being literally emotional when she “empathized” with MOMO back up on the park…



But, no dice. Hey, maybe spend less time looking for emotions during bot-bonding time and more when her eye color changed and she obliterated a gnosis fleet. Just a suggestion.



Allen... my God, Allen. Look, I’m no fashion plate. I own two pairs of pants, and I bought them randomly, incorrectly guessing at my proper size. I thought I was bigger? I don’t know. Half my wardrobe is funny t-shirts. I have no idea how hats are even supposed to work. And, all that said? Even I know that swimsuit is the worst idea ever. I mean, I guess it would work with a handlebar mustache and an exaggerated dumbbell accessory, but that’s about it.



MOMO perfectly sets up a “mom’s are tough” reference, but I’m going to just quietly lament the fact that I burned that one off randomly earlier in the LP.



Spent the last few years of their lives building a robot, and, whoops, turns out they have no idea how she works. If this sounds completely insane, well, yes, it is, but you’ve also probably never been an engineer that came in late to a project where the last three leads were either fired or quit while attempting to give security a wedgie. Documentation is for quitters.



Allen trails off here, because the last time Shion heard Kevin’s name from Allen’s lips, she threw scalding coffee at the Junior Chief’s face. He still has the scars…



Topic change, quick, before Allen is callously drowned.



MOMO reveals that she can read your DNA just by lookin’ at ya. Observational Realians continue to be equal parts adorable and frightening.



I look forward to a future where family units are even more confusing than today. “I’m my father’s step-mother’s sister’s clone-bot!” The Vision has nothing on these guys.



Oh, right, we’re still working on that “people can hear us” concept.



Junior shakes off the catty conversation about his genetics pretty quickly, and proceeds to brag about his swank beach and his ability to command the weather LIKE A GOD AMONG MEN.



Like a damn dick, Junior decides to literally rain on the parade.



Shion has… objections to this change.



Significant objections. This is actually kind of amusing if you consider that half of Shion’s techs are lightning-based. It’s less amusing when you remember that Shion is just a waddling homunculus of repressed memories.



chaos reminds us he’s still here by being concerned over Shion’s freakout. Hi, chaos!



Bye, chaos! Back at the Kukai office, we’ve got Gaignun talking to that Helmer fellow that was mentioned earlier.



I can’t tell you if this is insensitive or just annoying to someone like me that is terrible with names, but here’s the first black guy in the story, and he’s talking to Gaignun, who is also secretly known as Nigredo. I don’t have to explain why this is annoying, right?



Thank you, Gaignun. We’re on the same page.



For the record, Helmer is being nothing but nice here, he’s not some shadowy jerk like Margulis. Also, he’s voiced by Jet Black, so if you’ve never played Xenosaga, but have watched Cowboy Bebop, you should be able to hear this guy in your head easily.



Inferring from a scene or two back, it appears Helmer is on Second Miltia, and the package in question is the latest Zohar.



“We got twelve of them. Cool?” “Yep, cool.”



So, did the party tell anybody that they found Ariadne? Like, that had to be galactically important information, right? The Kukai Foundation seems to be pretty on the ball with their science, so they might have been able to figure it out, but I like to think chaos give Junior a head’s up or something after that whole brouhaha last update. Anybody that had family on Ariadne deserves to know, but I don’t exactly see Ziggy issuing a press release.

CONTINUED NEXT POST

Confirmation if it hasn’t been mentioned earlier: Mizrahi is the one who created these twelve Zohar Emulators, and he was the only one with the knowledge to pull that kind of sorcery off. Good thing he didn’t have an apprentice or anything!



“And we picked up a MOMO for giggles.”



For the second time in this update, someone points out how crazy plot-focused this crowd seems to be.



There’s a bit of discussion regarding U-TIC and whatever they’re up to, and Helmer volunteers to keep an eye on, basically, flight records to see where they’re going. If you think this practical and realistic idea will be helpful, you’ve never seen a JRPG plot before.



The odds are so good, in fact, we’ll see Margulis himself confirm this next update. Apparently U-TIC is also after…



U-DO, a little letter combination that will be super important soon enough.



U-DO sounds scary!



Anyway, let’s exchange pleasantries, close out this scene, and take a closer look at the two important characters introduced here.



Helmer is maybe the most helpful dude in the series. No, he unfortunately never joins the main party, but he’s constantly helping from behind the scenes, and, usually, if it looks like all is lost for our intrepid heroes, he’s the one with the plan that’s going to get every back to… well, “safety” is a relative term for anyone in Shion’s orbit… but Helmer will get them back to a place where there at least aren’t rifles immediately at their throats. Also, fairly miraculous for a character this good (“good” as in alignment, but he is also generally cool), Helmer will never reveal himself to have some secret, terrible agenda, and he actually survives the whole series. Go Helmer!



U-DO is… well, nobody knows. It’s the biggest mystery in Xenosaga. The only information we have for much of the series is that It was involved in the Miltian Conflict, Junior and his buddies were literally bred to kill It, and humanity has been suffering a whole heck of a lot of divine retribution ever since. Is U-DO related to the gnosis? Is U-DO related to the Zohars? U-DO could be anything, and our best scientists are baffled by the fact that, if you rearrange the O and D, and then rotate the U about 90 degrees, you get… Cod. Cod. What could that mean?



Back to the beach, and back to real clothes. Shion is apologizing for bringing everybody down when Junior offended his second special guest within 24 hours.



Once again, we’re given free reign to explore until calling it at a rest stop.



We can explore the beach area… but there’s literally no one around, and nothing to do here.



On the way out, Ziggy rejoins the party, now safe from the horrors of having to see Allen’s swimsuit.



Completely unceremoniously, Junior is now a member of the party. Like, he’s obviously been a focal character since we got away from Cathedral Ship, but this is the first he’s actually here on the status menu, and we can tinker with his skills and equips and whatnot at will now. We’ll look at him more in that regard when we hit our next battle scene. Note that KOS-MOS is back aboard the Elsa for diagnostics, and, spoilers, we won’t see her back with the group for a little while.

Incidentally, despite the fact that Junior has more money than U-DO, the party does not get a financial bump from Junior’s coffers. I guess Junior can’t be seen funding an “independent” group, but, without exaggeration, Shion will eventually be responsible for saving the entire universe and, distinctly, the Kukai Foundation (on two separate occasions!). But, no, we’re stuck trading in unicorn horns to scrape together enough dough to buy MOMO a helmet.



So here’s the Kukai Foundation, using Xenosaga Episode 1’s first and only “world map”. Landmarks are the beach in the northwest, the dock in the east, AGWS garage in the south, and Sector 27, the “town proper” in the center. There’s also some skyscrapers in the north, but they’re inaccessible, and just there for decoration, one supposes.



The AGWS garage is predominantly just a place to tune-up your AGWS, if you’re into that kind of thing. The only thing of value here is…



These stairs lead to Professor, a kooky old fellow that will, should you collect all the robot parts across the galaxy, grant Shion the most powerful ether in the game. It’s a game-long quest, and I’ll tackle it as its own update toward the end of the Episode 1 LP. It’s a fun quest, but given it has its own running narration, it will be covered when I don’t have to write “remember back during update x when…” more than I already do.



Here’s the dock, where you can hop on a shuttle back to the Durandal if you so desire.



This friendly woman will explain the “secret” of the Kukai Foundation that Allen was so worried about back on the Elsa. Basically, the whole place is swarming with gifted youngsters, mostly people “engineered” during the Life Recycling Act to have crazy, war-friendly superpowers. Unfortunately, despite this amazing premise (it’s like X-Men Disney World!), you never see anybody do anything interesting around here. Heck, I think the only mutants you see do anything remotely fun in this entire game are Junior, his bros, Mary, and Shelly.



Here’s Sector 27. Bad news, Xenosaga was released in 2002, so we’re not allowed to directly address the fact that the guy who owns this bar is a (shhhhhhh) homosexual.



Also, because it’s 2002, the not-gay bar is all about shirtless muscle dudes flexing for your enjoyment. Subtle, guys.



This poor lady lost her -Engagement Ring- at the beach. Welp, that looks like a sidequest. Been to the beach lately, Shion?



Gee, wonder why an enemy trap is just hanging out here on a perfectly safe city street. I sure hope that Xenosaga Episode 1 doesn’t pull yet another “here, explore a safe, town area, and later it will be swarming with enemies.” That would just be shocking.

Also, yes, this person is a jerk, so that way you don’t have to feel bad when you explode a poison canister in her face.



Thank you, Xenosaga, for basically including a Space Balls joke.

CONTINUED NEXT POST

PAC-MAN PRESENCE CONFIRMED. KOS-MOS (Xenosaga) to Pac-Man (Pac-Man) to Mario (Super Smash Bros). Remember that for your next game of Six Degrees of Mario Mario.



So, remember that woman waaaaay back at the Dock Colony that was talking about her husband losing his -Fish Detector-? Well, here it is, presumably light years away, hidden in the coat pocket of a random suit at a laundry mat. There must be a NPC around here somewhere that gives you a clue to this location, but I haven’t seen him, so this seems almost completely “click A (circle) everywhere” random.



And with the Fish Detector, you can play a very lame fishing mini-game back at the beach. This might be the only fishing mini-game that is sub-Breath of Fire 1: all you do is run around in the ocean and hope you hit one of those “fish” markers on your radar. Come to think of it, it’s very similar to a certain scene in Final Fantasy 6.



Eventually, you’ll find a cold, clammy chunk of seafood with an engagement ring for Shion. But, wait, isn’t Allen back on the Elsa?



Yes, you can return the –Engagement Ring- to its owner and collect a door decoder that will eventually net you a robot piece. It pays to help completely random women in bars!



The Laundromat side of town is also dominated by the King Syndicate, a group of gangsters that are really bad at hiding their secret rooms. The game kinda toys with the idea that these guys might actually be plot relevant, but they’re mainly just here for the writers to mock “small time” heavies.



Here’s King himself, who shows off his amazing might by hammering a punching bag into oblivion…



And then daintily scampers off to chase his pet cat. Incidentally, “King” may be a Tekken reference, as there is a particularly strong fellow in that series named King who is also rather fond of cats. Or it could be a coincidence.



Anyway, I’m tired of this place, so it’s back to the inn so I can put Shion to bed.



There’s a giant safe at the inn that you’re not allowed to touch. This, and a number of other inaccessible locations around town pretty much confirm that this city will eventually catch the fiery dungeon bug.



I love that Shion could just take the shuttle up to her room on the Durandal, or sleep in her room on the Elsa (which is in the Durandal), but, no, Gaignun paid for Shion to have a room at the inn in town because I suppose it would be too much trouble to walk to the alternatives.

But, as Shion rests, I’m going to rest, too, and we’ll pick this back up next time. Whole lotta Kukai Foundation place setting this update, and now, in grand Xenosaga tradition, we have to blow it all to hell so we feel bad. Starting to understand why Shion is depressed?

Next time on Xenosaga: Junior has a bullet just for you.

Wow, I nearly forgot all about Helmer.


Though you didn't capture the way he really elongates 'U-DO' whenever he murmurs it ominously to himself. It's more like

"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooo"


....or maybe that happened in a later cutscene. Regardless, I always found it hilarious.

You know, while the Cutscene Sandwiches XS likes to serve up are enough to choke on, and the PS2 character models have not aged well (and the women's weird pinched kewpie-doll faces were unpleasant even at the time), reading this is actually starting to make me nostalgic for the era where JRPGs that aren't part of Square actually had cutscenes more elaborate than "characters exchange text boxes while standing ramrod-still, occasionally waving hands in a canned loop for emphasis". Or any cutscenes at all, as opposed to a bunch of visual-novel stills.

I guess Xenoblade 1 had pretty dynamic cutscenes (appropriately), but aside from that I'm just remembering a flood of games either made for a portable or low-fi stuff like NIS or Idea Factory put out...

Am I remembering correctly that U-DO is pronounced oo-doo? Because... ahahaha... why would... why did... oodoo...

U-DO, go DO that VU-DO that U DO so well.

I distinctly remember that, though I think its a later cutscene. And I also remember it being "ooo-do" not "you-do"

I also remember thinking it a bit silly that there's a ship inside a ship inside a bubble and we've got a swanky room on all 3 of them. Like what's next, our space station bubble gets swallowed by an even bigger space station?

Excellent. Now someone has to note the MST3K quote and I'll be happy.

Anyway, because you demanded it, U-DO

Who keeps the metric system down? U-DO.

Hmm... were the Junior clones assigned a number based on the order in which they joined?

Helmer was one of my favorite NPCs even though I don't remember what in the world he did. Besides UUU-DOO, of course.

Joined, created, it's all the same (and they're not clones of Junior or Senior).

Previously on Xenosaga: Junior offends a party member, beach party, Junior offends a party member.



We resume with Shion awakening from a quick nap at Our Treasure, a lovely little B&B in town. Time to stretch our legs and work on the robot.



Over at the port, the Durandal is only ever a cable car away.



And now we’re back on the Elsa, itself inside the Durandal. Russian nesting doll saga.



A nice snooze is all that’s necessary to overcome years of repressed childhood trauma.



Meanwhile, back at U-TIC base…



All Margulis does when he’s not kidnapping little girls is Skype with various bad guys. Here’s Dr. Strangelove reporting on the latest evil science news.



I believe it was Dr. Mrs. Mizrahi and her gang that were talking about using the Y-Data to open a way to Old Miltia, and, potentially, “Lost Jerusalem”. Here’s U-TIC trying to brute force it. It’s not working.



Margulis is not pleased, and Pellegri seems vaguely amused by the situation. Business as usual.



Scientist envy.



Reminder: U-TIC was basically founded by Mizrahi… but nobody seems to think he was anything but a mad scientist. I guess they’d know…



“Donkey brains sure knew how to use a Zohar.”



Gasp! Mysterious things are happening!



Ah, it appears U-TIC knows MOMO’s exact location and situation… even though she’s only been there a day.



“Don’t break the MOMO.”



Margulis says he has his best crazygonuts on the job, and Strangelove replies that he’s not a fan of Albedo’s absolute insanity.



I believe this is the first Margulis mentions reporting to his boss. If you thought Margulis was in charge of U-TIC, nope, there’s a bigger shark in this food chain. Additionally, as we already know, U-TIC is manipulating the space government.



Oh, here’s crazypants in his crazy mech.



Albedo is told to chill with his Realian copilot, but if things go south for U-TIC, Albedo has orders to use…



BUM BUM BUUUUUUM.



Of course, we get no additional information on what the Song of Nephilim actually is. Though, I suppose this means that it’s Albedo that is the bard class.



Whatever it is, Margulis finds it… unsavory. I guess this guy is a religious extremist, so he probably has the same reaction to fornication and canned soup.



Albedo shows mutual disdain for his “superior”. Ally? Well wisher?



Pellegri finally officially names Albedo, and calls him a URTV, which is also the first we’ve heard that term (in game, at least). She doesn’t elaborate too much about what that means, but she does mention that URTVs were a result of the Life Recycling Act…



Pellegri doesn’t miss an opportunity to rub gnosis in the wound. Or point out that LRA survivors might not be the most reliable underlings. Or both.



But Margulis isn’t worried… because Albedo is a Time Lord? The hell?

CONTINUED NEXT POST

Pellegri is concerned about this whole song thing, though. I bet it’s one of those that really gets stuck in your head…



Guess Albedo is going to have company. And on that ominous note, we leave U-TIC for…



Yay! More KOS-MOS diagnostics!



Shion is dreading her return to Second Miltia. Oh, Shion, you have nothing to worry about, you’ve still got half a game in front of you.



Allen is concerned about Shion’s mental state, but she shrugs it off and keeps working on KOS-MOS. That’s actually KOS talking there, mimicking her mother’s ability to deflect. They grow up so fast…



Allen performs his best pose for the cover of Sad, Boring Romance Tales #1.



Back to the bridge of the Durandal where there’s at least the possibility of something happening, here’s Mary steering the whole damn Kukai Foundation “planet bubble” toward Second Miltia.



Simultaneously, Junior is checking on MOMO over in the Residential Area.



Oh! Oh! He wants her space number!



Junior has a gift for MOMO. A really, really inappropriate gift.



Junior, I know you like your guns and… geez… do you think maybe the metaphor here is a little… on the nose? A bullet? For Lil’ Miss Constantly Kidnapped? I mean, I know it’s an “old” bullet, but this poor gal spent an entire day getting shot at back at U-TIC HQ.



And it’s inscribed with Junior’s favorite victory phrase. Junior… couldn’t you have gotten her Card Captor Sakura DVDs or something she might actually already like?



MOMO is just happy to get a gift at all, I suppose. Real talk: while Ziggy absolutely cares about MOMO, he’s not the most… emotive cyborg. We already know MOMO’s adoptive mother barely wants to talk to the poor bot, and daddy is dead/insane. This, really, might be the most affectionate thing anyone has done for MOMO for, like, years. Kind of sad…



But Junior takes it back for a moment to uses some crazy Junior magic ether on it, and…



Turns the bullet into a wrist charm? That’s a really weird super power you have there, Junior.



Again, MOMO is just happy to be included.



She won’t be happy in about five seconds, though, when an entire fleet of military cruisers descend upon the Kukai Foundation.



Yep, it’s the government, and they brought an epic army. Break out the beef jerky, guys, this might take a while.



Let’s see what that government has to say.



Welp, they’re claiming Junior and company did something pretty bad.



Apparently, there’s some recording of the Durandal doing… something, and the Kukai Foundation and Second Miltia are being blamed.



The only valid response involves sending every ship in the galaxy to surround our heroes right the hell now.



And already it’s pretty clear that this little coup came together so effectively because there’s more than a little jealousy aimed at Junior “I have my own private planet/beach” and company.



And apparently they know about the Zohar projects, too, and there’s concern there. Personally, I don’t blame them. I would barely trust most companies with a length of string, left alone a series of gigantic spiritual artifacts.



A more level head points out that, come on, this is like accusing Las Vegas of attempting to take over South Dakota or something.

CONTINUED NEXT POST

And one dude outright says what we’re all thinking.



Dr. Mrs. Mizrahi pops in to point out that everyone is being crazy, so shut-up.



“Have you forgotten that it was Miltia that produced the lunatic that summoned the Gnosis and tried to destroy the Federation?”

“Think you I would forget such a thing? No, but neither do I seek revenge against them.”



“Baby, let me mansplain this whole thing to your feeble lady brain…”



In one of the few bits of Xenosaga that isn’t subtitled, the whole room erupts into a cacophony of random shouting… just like real politics! Eventually everyone is told to shut it.



And Helmer takes the floor! Helmer will make it all better…



Probably. In the meanwhile, THE BREWS are back at the Durandal getting arrested.



Allen, for once, speaks for the group.



And now we know what’s going on. Apparently someone sympathetic to U-TIC doctored the footage of the Durandal destroying the U-TIC ships (back during Junior’s introductory chapter) to appear as if the Durandal destroyed… the Woglinde!



Woglinde Survivor is confused. Incidentally, it’s really clever of Xenosaga’s writers to, almost retroactively, sew together everyone’s separate origin stories into one cohesive “gotcha” that screws the present, combined party.



Junior recognizes the exact last time he used his laser barrage.



Ziggy is concerned. Gaignun seems like he merely lost a challenging game of chess. He basically did.



Shion was literally on the Woglinde, though, right? Surely she can…



Oh, yeah, I guess it is convenient that Shion and Allen were immediately rescued by a Kukai-owned ship. And wasn’t there another federation soldier with you at the time of pickup? What happened to him, hm? An accident, you say?



Allen reduces the possible destruction of an entire multi-galactic company/government and millions of people to “do you think my boss is mad at me?”



Finally! Lapis gets a spotlight episode! I’ve been waiting for this ever since the first half of Season 1… wait… what? Oh, I’m thinking of something else. This is Captain Lapis Roman of Space Government, no relation to any other spacefaring Lapis.



“By the power vested in me by these pigtails, I place you all under arrest!”



Allen, try to show at least a token amount of resistance.



Come to think of it, they don’t even try to fudge together some charges for Ziggy… who is working on an official government mission.



Shion reacts to this exactly as you’d expect: really concerned they’ll take away her baby, but, like everything in her life, she just pushes it all down into her seventeenth ulcer.



And since we all know this is pretty much a secret U-TIC operation, MOMO is targeted and dragged away screaming.



Alright, I should be making a crack about how detaining the JRPG party in close proximity to each other always works out well for villains, but we’ll see that this is very deliberate in a moment.



Despite Junior attempting to fight off an entire army with just his itty bitty baby hands, the party is officially arrested and hauled away.



Back in their cell (which is just a random Durandal room), a handcuffed Ziggy comments that this whole thing is a little too efficient.



This is a really chill group of prisoners.

CONTINUED NEXT POST

“As a neutral territory, Second Miltia was invested with a whole bunch of rights and legal privileges after the Miltian Conflict. There are a whole lot of folks who still have problems with that, even outside of the U-TIC Organization.”

Alright, yes, people are jealous of the Space 1%, we get it.



And it all comes together that Ziggy’s infiltration of U-TIC was maybe a little too easy. If Ziggy failed, then U-TIC retained MOMO; if Ziggy succeeded, then MOMO would eventually wind up at Second Miltia, and U-TIC would get to take a swing at Miltia/Kukai, and all their sweet Zohars. Pretty good plan, aside from all those U-TIC soldiers Ziggy slaughtered.



I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what Ziggy just postulated.



Allen, having learned absolutely nothing from Junior’s ability to offend MOMO last update, says the exact weeniest thing.



Not pictured: Shion then immediately chastises Allen, and Allen slumps over like a sad labrador.



Meanwhile, Lapis hands Gaignun a box. Intrigue!



And the box contains a cell phone with a direct line to none other than Helmer.



Helmer saves!



Turns out Lapis does work for the government, but she’s also one of Helmer’s agents. Space Government is pretty much wall to wall double agents.



Gaignun gets the word to cooperate and all will be well. Good thing she’s not a triple agent, because Gaignun now trusts her implicitly.



Oh, looks like Helmer has to take another call now. Also looks like Helmer somehow is using a 1920’s rotary phone receiver despite it being the year 4400 or so.



I want to say this is the first Wilhelm is identified as the CEO of Vector, and not just some random shadowy dude that converses with cloaked schemers.



Wilhelm is here to help!



Wilhelm is not only going to put in a good word for Second Miltia with the bigwigs, he’s also throwing his own warship into the mix. Surely that won’t escalate the situation.



U-TIC’s plans are so “covert” that they’re detectable galaxies away. Well, alright, Wilhelm (of course) has an inside man this time, but if Shion could figure this one out, it’s still a valid observation.



And what could that be, Helmer?



Oh yeah, that’s the stuff. Looks like U-DO is… some kind of malevolent o-zone layer? Alright, sure.



Is Wilhelm a bad guy? Well, he just called KOS-MOS “it”…



“Him” in this case is Gaignun, whom Wilhelm coyly notes must be in contact with Helmer.



And then Wilhelm subtly reverts to calling KOS-MOS “she”. What do you know, Willy?



When asked why he’s being so generous, Wilhelm gives the slick answer of, “ya know, we are a bunch of scientists.”



And here’s the genesis of that infamous sound bite as we close the scene. Major U-DO concerns.



Confirmed angel (wait, not literally) Lapis shows up for interrogation.



And drops the ruse almost instantly. Sorry, but it was still too late for this pair of Allen pants.



“Ya know, that soldier without a name. Him. He’s mute.”

CONTINUED NEXT POST

“So, let’s review. You’re in jail. You know that part, right?”



MOMO is still the macguffin of the game.



“You guys seem pretty on the ball. Could you maybe solve this problem without me having to get up?”



Incidentally, it’s a tiny thing, but Shion takes point with this idea and the idea that will eventually save the day. Even though Helmer is ultimately responsible for the benevolent “conspiracy” that will keep everyone safe, it is the actual heroine of the piece that does the most immediately accessible heroic work here, so good on Xenosaga for not just creating a problem and then banishing it just as easily with a deus ex machina. Well, a different deus ex machina.



Anyway, Woglinde log is a no-go.



Reminder: Junior is a violent idiot.



And the Durandal’s own logs are too easy to modify, so that one’s out. Considering we’ve already seen Mary and Shelly use their capability to directly plug computers into their brains, I can see why there’d be suspicion.



So the crew needs a more… precise data recorder. Uh… aren’t at least two party members half computer to begin with? And one…



… Is just a walking computer built to record all the data ever for the number one science firm in the galaxy.



Yep, she’ll work.



Allen objects, because he would rather keep his job secure than see the child that is standing right there be handed over to terrorists.



But we don’t need permission if we just hop into VR and replay the logs! Yay!



Waaaaaaah!



Shion, I checked, and you’ve been beholden to protocol once this entire adventure. It was back when you were doing dishes, and you were using it as an excuse to hang out with KOS-MOS more. Other than that, you’ve been terrible at following the rules, and probably only still have a job because your boss and coworkers seem to be afraid of you yelling. But, yeah, sure, this is you breaking the rules for the first time.



But we still have to actually reach KOS-MOS to complete this plan, so Lapis sets the inmates free. I guess she can’t just escort them over there with some kind of evidence gathering pretense? Aren’t Shion and Allen officially just witnesses anyway?



Lapis is all in on this crazy plan.



Ziggy is elected chief lady puncher on account of the fact that the rest of the room’s combined weight is equal to Ziggy’s left thigh. This… Ziggy scanning the room and acknowledging he’s the only one that can throw a punch… might be my favorite moment in the game.



Ziggy knocks out Lapis, and incidentally knocks out No Name. Ziggy takes no pleasure in violence.



Junior is a dick.



But there are other, less cooperative guards. The party doesn’t have their weapons, and while Ziggy might be able to throw a haymaker, nobody animated his battle moves without his weaponry, so the only combatant left is the one that naturally attacks with his bare (not bare) hands, chaos. Remember how I said you could make it through a lot of this game without ever using chaos? Well, here’s the first battle in the game that absolutely requires chaos’s participation.



And it is maybe Xenosaga’s most subtle gameplay/plot fusion. For this battle, and this battle only, chaos is absolutely invincible. Every shot fired by the enemy will miss, and chaos will land his blows with no problem. It’s a wonderful concession made to everyone that never used chaos prior to this battle, and subtly indicates that chaos might be holding back a tweak during the day to day activities of the party.



Anyway, the battle is closed in about a minute, and kind, gentle chaos explodes a pair of soldiers into showers of blood.



So we’re now free to roam, but we don’t have our weapons back yet, so we’re kind of stuck in one hallway at the moment.



Yes, right, thank you, chaos.



I like that MOMO takes a moment to affirm Lapis is fine. Ziggy reassures her that he didn’t go all out, and I’m sure the reason we barely see Lapis from this point on is only because she’s a minor character, and not because cyborg knuckles capable of exploding U-TIC soldiers might cause irreparable harm to a skull.

CONTINUED NEXT POST

The items/weapons are in one single chest approximately twenty feet from the party. There’s also a shop here, so if you want to stock up for the dungeon(s) ahead, feel free. It’s probably a good idea.



The Durandal at large is now a dungeon with soldiers patrolling the halls. Your goal is to make it over to the Elsa (and KOS-MOS). Given you already had to explore all the “required” areas of this trip previously, you should know exactly where you need to go, and there’s little reason to deviate from the path. It’s a pretty straightforward, easy “mini” dungeon. A stark contrast from Cathedral Ship (and what’s coming next).



Since this is the first dungeon where Junior is part of the real party, I slid him in there to play with a few techs. Seems Junior has a Tech Attack that allows him to hit all enemies as a matter of course. Where were you during the last dungeon when I needed you!?



The Durandal’s casino is still open for business during the governmental siege. It’s a good place to rest if you’re somehow having trouble with the soldiers. You probably won’t, though, as this whole area is basically a test drive for your current party members (not unlike the siege of the Elsa back when Ziggy and MOMO joined).



Soldier enemies are even lame runners compared to gnosis enemies. Shion can easily outpace these guys if you don’t feel like battling.



MOMO hasn’t seen combat since practically the U-TIC base, so here she is, calling down meteors or whatever. Gogo did it better than MOMO.



A previously inaccessible area (in Shion’s Durandal room, incidentally) is now available and hiding the Armory Key.



You can wait until things calm down, or you can scoot over there immediately and pick up some goodies (and a door decoder) from the Durandal Armory. Geez, you’d think that would be the first place the cops would lock down…



After a few trifling battles and a few more hallways, we find the Elsa… locked. Dammit, Allen, I’m blaming you for this!



But there’s a “hidden” staircase that will lead all the way around and…



You can board the cargo elevator that KOS-MOS used as a weapons platform a couple updates back. It’s the elevator that keeps on giving!



The Elsa is empty (guess that lock worked out), so finding KOS-MOS is just a matter of remembering where her maintenance bay actually lies from back during curry delivery time. You have another opportunity to shop with Elsa Bots on the way over… and it might be a good idea to stock up on healing items.



And there. Time to VR up some data and call this mission a success.



This should be pretty straightforward, just like our first VRventure back on the Woglinde. Shion hops into Virtual KOS-MOS World while Allen works the console and occasionally sweats through the floor.



Allen, that’s sweet, but this is like reassuring someone before they hit the ATM. “I’m going to be right here with you, even if you forget your pin and we have to wait for you to remember, I’m not going anywhere!”



Shion’s equipped with her Virtual Boy, and the rest of the party is milling about. Maybe we’ll have a boss battle where Shion and KOS-MOS have to be protected by the reserve members? I don’t know, this should be pretty easy.



Nope! All of reality breaks down for some damn reason! Sorry guys, no easy data grab for you!



And Shion is transported… somewhere not good?



Wait, no, now she’s… at a playground? That looks… nicer? Who’s that on the swing set?



Oh, it’s a younger version of Shion. Alright, yes, reality is well and truly done for today.



And Daddy’s home!



Yep. This is why nobody wants to adopt virtual reality, way too much potential for mind-breaking time travel.

We’ll break here for the day, because coming up is the signature Xenosaga TMI Data Dump and Dungeon, so get ready for another big ‘un next update. This update was just the tail-end of the post-Cathedral Ship vacation, now it’s back to work straight through to the finale (of the episode). Worlds will live! Worlds will die! Shion will only be responsible for a couple of ‘em!

Next time on Xenosaga: They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

Just noticed that KOS-MOS's coffin and U-TIC use the same black/red color scheme on everything. Not that that's relevant right now...

I like to imagine it in his never-seen-since cyborg-vision from the U-TIC mission, scanning each person one by one.

chaos: Too nice.
Lapis: Can't exactly punch herself.
Junior: Too scrawny.
MOMO: Nope.
Shion: Can she even make a fist?
Allen: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-bzzrt ERROR

Shion can materialize her giant red hurky robot fist that shoots lightning. That has to be worth something.

But they were weaponless at the time so during his evaluation, no, she couldn't make a fist.

Oh, hey...I caught up in this thread! I figured I'd start reading it, and huh. Here we are now.

I've played and finished all three Xenosaga games, and I can't even pretend to remember a ton of the stuff we've covered already. I guess I remember Ziggy's mission to get MOMO (and how I actually beat Margulis clean with zero idea that it was technically an unwinnable fight), the first endless dungeon, some of the Jr. stuff and the dungeon you're about to enter now. But...nope, not much else!

If you get to Episode II, well...I'll be happy to throw down some mental damage for you on that game! I remember enjoying Episode III though, mostly because Shion becomes the best worst character ever.

There are REASONS I love Xenosaga 3. And everyone who's played it knows why.

Given that I AM is one of the Names of God... U-DO?

God's sixth name is O-RLY?

it's because this is the greatest trilogy of all time and again I'm not ashamed