I've got a Job for you! - Let's Play Final Fantasy V!

Everyone who didn't smirk at this, google the name now. Thank you.
Also, hey, i'm back and stuff.

The names alone make me glad I never got into the Ivalice games. I'd never be able to spell them, much less pronounce them. They may as well be speaking Hawaiian

I have to admit, I'll always have a soft spot for "X-Death." It's like X-Zone, but for death, and sentient!

But... I also like "Exdeath," because it makes him sound like a Dragon Quest villain, like Deathpisaro and Deathtamoor.

Nifty!

Exxudeathu

Now I'm picturing Exdeath with googly "moe"-style eyes and his fists under his chin and tree branches flowers growing out of his helmet going "Atashi Exu desu!" while voiced by Norio Wakamoto

I couldn't find that, but I did find this:



Oh Japan.

What are you talking about? That's like ~95% there.

That's kind of great.

Is that ExDeath-chan~~~? <3

I can totally hear it, and it would have been perfect.

Unfortunately, they used Wakamoto for Chaos in Dissidia, so they had to go with some other guy for Exdeath's official voice.

He's still got a couple of other Final Fantasy characters under his belt, though, making Rubicante the best Fiend and Al-Cid Margrace the best Cid.

Hey guys, these LPs are reminding me that the 16-bit Final Fantasys are pretty fucking great!

Just kidding! I didn't need reminding!

Edit: I vote for Bartz.

Because it's relevant... (Warning: adult language.)

Actually, Bartz has four girls. In Lix, there's a NPC with a really obvious crush on him.

Then again, if we're going to be realistic there's pretty much no romance in FFV (and thank God for that). So I guess the only real pairings are Bartz x Wandering, Exdeath x Void, Galuf x Awesome, Gilgamesh x Excalipur, and Lenna x Dragons.

I don't know, Gilgamesh was kind of crushing on Bartz in his last couple of appearances....

Nah, Gilgamesh and Bartz are just Destined Rivals.

Boko x Koko ;_;

This is a true romance. Unlike most rpg romances, it produces evidence.

It's not really romance if it takes place off screen.

Yes, I'm grasping at straws, I know.

Part I - A Pirate I Was Meant to Be

So the votes are in and we're going with...



Technically Kiltz and Bartz were tied, so I went with my preference of the two. Sorry fans of Scottish casualwear!



♪♪ Lenna's Theme ♪♪

He's a man without a plan, our hero.



Giant rocks from space are good at that, yes.



That... doesn't even begin to make sense.



Yeah, I'm sure she's just making excuses so she doesn't have to stick around Bartz. Dude probably reeks of Chocobo.



Bartz does not give up easy, though!



Way to sidetrack the discussion, Lenna!



I JUST DO NOT KNOW.



Bartz has spotted something!



A Phoenix Down hidden away! Wait, that can't be what he saw...



Oh it's Old Man again. Hello Old Man. Have you got a name, Old Man? Or will we just keep calling you Old Man, Old Man? ...Old Man.

So he gets up, shakes off the cobwebs, and...! Oh jeez not plot-convenient amnesia again...



I guess he's not Old Man any more, then!



Guess we'll have to wait a few updates before he's got his memory back for reals.



Oh how convenient! What are the odds this guy's just a creepy old dude trying to get into Lenna's panties, you figure?



Probably pretty good, I'm guessing.



You're not helping your case, Galuf.



Bartz wisely bows out and leaves this Wind Shrine nonsense to the crazy old coot and the runaway princess. Bartz is smart like that.

You know, I think Galuf might be hopped up on something illicit...



Yep, never gonna see those two eeeeever again. Not a chance. Nope. Let's continue our journey to who-knows-where from somewhere that's never specified and see where it takes us!



♪♪ Four Valiant Hearts ♪♪

Ow! Boko just chucked Bartz out of the saddle!



Seriously, that couldn't have felt good.



...He talks to his Chocobo. And his Chocobo just convinced him to help Lenna and Galuf out. I think Bartz might be crazy. Just a little.



Suddenly a new earthquake starts! The path to the south caves in! Galuf and Lenna are in trouble! All this and more in 60 screenshots!



♪♪ Hurry! Hurry! ♪♪

Hey, you were the one who needed the bird to convince YOU, remember?



Yeah, Goblins. Clearly the greatest threat ever. Bartz was so right in fearing for those two with GOBLINS around.



After a few easy-peasy fights, Bartz picks up Galuf and Lenna and rides off into the sunset. Or at least away from the crazy earthquake corridor of death and Goblins.

Just how long were they out of it, anyway?



♪♪ Lenna's Theme ♪♪

That has... interesting connotations.



Who said anything about Tule? They're going to the Wind Shrine, remember?



See? Unless Tule's on the way, I don't get why you brought it up.



(I'm gonna start summing up scenes from now on. This is just gonna get silly otherwise.)

Lenna: Oh! Really?
Bartz: Yeah! You know, it was my dad's dying wish that I go out and travel the world... Plus, this time, it feels like - like the wind is calling me.
Galuf: What a sweet-talker! As if you don't just have the hots for the little missy. {You're one to talk, Galuf.}
*Bartz jumps in shock! He walks over to Galuf*
Bartz: Wha- You're awake?
Galuf: Don't sound so surprised. This old dog is always ready for anything!
*Galuf jumps up and smacks his fists together, then laughs*
Galuf: Still, if the road is blocked, that makes things a sight more difficult...
Bartz: Hrm...
Lenna: ...
*Everyone ponders*



♪♪ Ahead on Our Way ♪♪

Aww yeah! You preach it, Lenna!

Galuf: Right! And we'll find it!
Bartz: All right! Let's ride!
*The boys walk down to Lenna and they all nod to one another*
*Boko walks down and jumps in excitement*
*Everyone nods to the bird*



That is one high-capacity Chocobo, I must say. Anyway, we seem to have found a cave of some sort.



Bartz: Probably opened up during one of those quakes.
*Bartz faces Boko*
Bartz: Boko, I think this is gonna be a little too dangerous for chocobos. You stay here, okay?
*Boko nods*
Boko: Kweh!

Looks like our freedom from random encounters is at an end for now. In we go!

♪♪ Fate in Haze ♪♪

Nameless Cave
Enemies: Steel Bat, Devil Crab, Stroper

This is the first dungeon of FF5! Sorta. It's pretty short and pretty uninspiring.



It's also piss-easy since it has a healing spring in the first room. Not that you'd need it at this point.



Damn Galuf we need to do something about your equipment situation. You're punching bats, man! PUNCHING BATS MAN!



Further in the cave, we see a dastardly pirate!



Who hits the very obvious skull-shaped switch to open the way forward! Man, this guy's pirate base must be pretty awesome if their switches are all skull-themed.



Well yeah, Bartz. What did you expect was gonna work, singing and dancing?



What's what?



Oh, it's a pirate ship. Eh, that's not THAT weird.



Oh. Yeah, that's actually a good question. Our trio are baffled, so we'll just continue on.



I think we found the pirates! Bartz checks their 12 before the group discusses this development.



♪♪ Pirates Ahoy! ♪♪

Lenna: I wonder if they would give us a ride?
*Bartz and Galuf are shocked at Lenna's naivete!*
Bartz: Um, I think the only ride they'd be interested in would be a keal-haul for all three of us.
*Lenna's sad*
Galuf: Yeah...you can't ask a favor from a pirate. That's why we'll just sneak on and steal their ship!
*Bartz is amazed!*
Bartz: Wha! You're pretty gutsy for an old-timer.
*Galuf laughs it up*

Okay, so! I guess we get to steal a pirate galleon. Yar!



Well at least the local pirates aren't too concerned with security.



OH SNAP HIDE!



Damn, that was close. We'll let Bartz' heart stop racing, then check out the ship.

Bartz, Talk Like a Pirate Day isn't 'til next month!



Bartz tried for a bit to get the damn thing to move, and it wouldn't. Methinks he doesn't quite grasp the mechanics of sailing.

Bartz: I know that! The wheel won't even budge. How do you work this thing?

Yep, he's clueless.



Oh snap!



Crap, we tried to steal Proto-Edgar's ship! I knew this was a bad idea!

...or mayhap you're just lacking in brains! I'd wager it's the latter.
*Lenna steps down*
Lenna: Wait! I am Princess Lenna of Tycoon. Please accept my apologies for attempting to commandeer your ship.
*Bartz and Galuf jump in shock!*
Bartz: Wha? Princess...
Galuf: of Tycoon!? {Um, I can see why Bartz would be shocked, but why are you, Galuf? You don't remember anything! You don't even know where Tycoon is!}
Lenna: Sir, this is a formal request from the kingdom of Tycoon. Please, allow us the use of your vessel. I must get to the Wind Shrine-my father is in danger! {Sir? Even assuming Faris is a man, which is a stretch, he/she is a pirate. The proper term of address is "ye scurvy dog"!}
*Faris gets a good laugh at Lenna!*
Faris: Oho, the princess of Tycoon, here on my ship? I'm sure we could fetch a good price for this one.
Bartz: Hey! Leave her alone, you degenerate, lecherous, piratey...pirate! {I'm guessing he's not gonna be the brains of this group.}
*Bartz and Galuf step down, and Lenna steps down to confront Faris*
Lenna: I beg of you, please...



What is this? A plot-relevant sparkling pendant? In a Final Fantasy? NEVER!



Yep, it's a pendant. Never seen one of those in an RPG before.

*Faris steps off to the side and ponders*
Faris: ...Toss the lot of 'em into the brig!
Pirates: Aye-aye, Cap'n!
*The pirates nod and then forcifly lug the lugnuts off*

Well that went well.



What genius came up with the idea to steal a pirate ship, anyway?
*Bartz hops over*
Bartz: Look in the mirror, Pops. {Ouch, burned by Bartz. That has to hurt.}
*Galuf hops over into the left corner*
Galuf: ...Ohh, my aching head! I can't remember a thing!
Bartz: ...And your amnesia oh-so-conveniently returns. {I love how even the game knows it's recycling a dead horse trope here.}
Bartz: Still...I can't believe you're really the princess of Tycoon, Lenna!
Lenna: I'm sorry... I didn't intend to keep it a secret.
Bartz: It's not that big a deal. But, if you're the princess, why were you going to the Wind Shrine all alone? {A fair question. Royalty generally goes out with an escort entourage of some sort.}
Lenna: My father is there. He hadn't been gone long when the wind slowed to almost nothing... I just can't shake the feeling that something terrible is happening. I slipped out alone to head to the shrine, but then that meteorite fell and...you know the rest. {So you ran off without an escort because you had a bad feeling about this and got knocked out by a giant space rock? You are a walking cliche factory, Lenna.}
*The screen turns blue and pans over to Faris in her stateroom*



Say what? She does?



She does! The plot, it doth thicken like a good fondue!

Faris: She said her father's at the Wind Shrine...

I think Cap'n Faris is up to something!

Guess so!

*The pirates are shocked!*
*The trio are tossed up on deck and the pirates surround them*
Pirates: But Cap'n... What about the landlubbers?
Faris: Untie 'em.
*The pirates are shocked! Again!*
Faris: I meant, sometime today!
*The pirates nod and untie the three*
*The trio stretch from being tied up all night long*
Lenna: But...why?
Faris: I reconsidered your request. You can go back into the brig if you'd rather. {I love Faris and all that snarky goodness.}
Faris: Pull anchor! We sail for the Wind Shrine!
Pirates: ...
Faris: Hey! Something wrong with your ears? I hope I don't have to repeat myself!
*The pirates face Faris*
Faris: Well!?
Pirates: Aye...aye-aye, Cap'n! {You don't cross Faris. Period.}
*The pirates jump in agreement!*
*One of the pirates scales the crows-nest and gives the all-okay sign*
*Lenna walks down to talk to Faris*
Lenna: But the wind has stopped... How can the ship move?
Faris: Full of curiosity, aren't you, lass?
*Lenna nods*
Faris: Syldra! Come up and say hello!

Who's Syldra?



Holy crap it's a sea dragon!



Lenna's pretty shocked too.

*Faris laughs*
Faris: Beautiful, isn't she? Syldra and I were raised together. We're close as siblings. {Interesting choice of words there...}
*The other two walk down to join in on the fun*
*Faris gives the all-clear sign*
Faris: All right, we're off!



♪♪ Four Valiant Hearts ♪♪

Wow, a ship already? Let's see were we can go from here.



I can sail me own ship, ye scurvy scallawag! Yar!



That looks like a town. Well, we DO need to get Galuf a better combat option than fisticuffs, and Lenna's knife is pretty meh, so why not?



♪♪ Tenderness in the Air ♪♪

Two steps into town and this happens. I swear, you pirates...



Yep, straight to the pub. You'd think they'd be sick of getting drunk, given how much of it they do on the ship...



Great. Oh well, we're in Tule now, so let's chat it up with the locals!

Gone Walkabout
Kid: I'm training to be a bard. Listen to this! Long long ago, in the canal to the east a big ol' ugly monster was having a feast! It ate lotsa people-53 at least-but the good guys used the crystal and sealed the beast! Oh yeah! ...My granddad says he's sorry he told me the story...but you guys liked it, right? {Don't quit your day job, kid.}
Kid: Spinny spinny spinny whee! I think I'm gonna throw up but I like it! {He's running in circles around a flowerbed. Ah, this must be the village idiot, then.}
Man: Great snakes! The pub's been overrun by pirates...
Woman: Be careful, the pub is full of pirates.
Kid: The wind crystal's power is amplified by a machine. It lets our ships sail even faster than before! The next liner from Walse really should be arriving any time now...
Kid: Huh? A meteorite fell by Castle Tycoon? One fell in the mountains to the west, too. Guess they're in season. {I stand corrected; all of the children in this village are the village idiots.}
Woman: Kinda seems like the wind's died down some, don't you think?
Man: If you take the canal eastward, you'll get to the Kingdom of Walse. Walse has prospered by using the water crystal.
Kid: The beast in the canal only seems to target women. {...Orthros?}

In the Pub
Pirate: Huh... If you look real close, yer a fetching lass, Lenna! {Thanks. And you don't smell too bad for a pirate.}
Pirate: Take a load off, drink up!
Pirate: The captain's upstairs.
Pirate: Captain... So dreamy... {Uh, no comment.}
Pirate: We're only helpin' ya 'coz the cap'n ordered, so don't be gettin' the wrong idea!
Old Man: The pirate boss went upstairs.
Bartender: Sorry, there's nothing left... Those pirates drank everything in the house!

That about covers the town proper. But I think we forgot to talk to an old man outside. Hold up...



Sure, why not?

Yeah, I reckoned so. First, shut your eyes...can't have just anybody figuring out where it's at.
*The screen fades out and back in at a house in town*
All right, here we are!

Thanks, that helped so much. Oh well, we'll check that place out next, then.



Lady, do I look like a noob to you? Get real!



Eh? Come on, we'll have some fun teasing 'em!



OHSHI-! Do not cross this woman! She just jump-kicked Bartz out the door! Right into a hedgerow!

So yeah, let's try that again...

All righty, then come on in!

I'm keeping an eye on your foot, lady. Anyway, this is all just standard tutorial guff, so we'll summarily ignore it and just loot the place.

Ahh, Bartz is a ghost! Actually, that's just a secret passage. Oh if only we could see them somehow without walking into them first! Alas, that's only possible in the realms of fantasy.



Going shopping prompts Faris to remind us to buy some gear for him too. Right-o, 3 Broadswords it is!



Oh you temptress! Will do!

♪♪ I'm a Dancer! ♪♪



They dance around a bit around Bartz, and then...



Hot.



♪♪ Piano Lesson 1 ♪♪

Of course the REAL reason we wanted on stage was to mess with the organ/piano. Of course.



*doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-DOO!*



Oh boy, shennanigans ahoy!

♪♪ Huh? ♪♪

Oh my. I had my suspicions, Bartz, but I have to admit, this is a bit of a surprise...



Do you really wanna know, Galuf?

Bartz: Uh...nothing, I didn't see anything! Must've been a trick of the light or something...
Galuf: For crying out loud, shove over and lemme see!



Huh. Now you I was pretty sure about, but okay. Nothin' wrong with that.



They try to blink off their sudden realization. Sorry boys, I'm pretty sure you can't blink that away.



Ahahaha oh Lenna you're so sheltered.



Oh boy, this is gonna be awkward.



And they shake out of their stupors at the sight of Faris, no doubt ashamed at their attractions.



Well, he's as polite as ever. Fine, we'll just head back to the ship.



Of course not. You were the one who said you wanted time alone. You know what? Forget it, let's just go to the Wind Shrine and get this over with.

♪♪ Sealed Away ♪♪

Wind Shrine
Enemies: White Serpent, Moldwynd, Black Goblin, Mani Wizard

And here we are at the scenic Wind Shrine! No flash photography, please.



What the hell? The chancellor from Tycoon is already here?



Chancellor: The wind suddenly stopped, and now there are monsters in the shrine!
*Lenna's pissed*
Lenna: What about Father!?
Chancellor: The king went up to the top floor... He has yet to return.
*A scholar steps up*
Scholar: Something must have happened to him...
*Scholar is sad*
*Faris steps up*
Faris: The crystal's up on the top floor, right? Won't hurt to go up and take a look.
*Everyone looks at Faris*
Lenna: Faris... Come on!

Oh good, we're going in after all. And here I thought we were just gonna hang out in the lobby for the rest of the update.



Received 5 Potions!

Nifty! Let's see what the rest have to say, too.

Please...be careful.
Drink this water to restore your energy.
The crystal upstairs is controlled by a machine that amplifies its power.
The crystal amplification machine suddenly stopped responding...
King Tycoon went up to the top floor to check on the crystal, but...
When those monsters overran the shrine, we fled to this room and haven't been able to leave...

Okay, we have our mission! Upwards!



I always wondered: who the hell puts these things in random locations anyway? I mean, did someone go camping here once and decide to stuff their tent into a disused chest on the second floor of the Wind Shrine when they were ready to go home?



Ah yes, the eponymous save point from FF4 makes its return. It's not QUITE as overblown as FF4's save points, but still pretty pretentious overall. By FF6 they dropped the whole "holy spot" thing and just made 'em glowing sparkles of light that let you save.



OMG SEKRIT PASSEJ!



Sounds like we have our first boss of the game!



♪♪ Battle 2 ♪♪

Wing Raptor is, appropriately enough, a hack-and-slash boss. Since you can only attack regularly and heal with Potions at this point, he's not worth mentioning. Just a speedbump and a misleading preview of what's to come.



♪♪ Victory Fanfare ♪♪

Well, that was an anticlimax.

OMG SEKRIT PASSEJ AGAIN!



That does not look good at all.

Bartz: It's shattered!
*The shards flash a few times!*
Bartz: What the-



♪♪ Prelude ♪♪

The overworld zooms past to another town and we see another crystal!



Faris is flaming. I knew it.



And another zoom to another location, this one a tower on a peninsula...



Lenna's all wet. Figures.



Finally we zoom out to a mysterious mountain-bound town to the last crystal...



Galuf's head's hard as a rock. I knew that.



Oho, looks like even this shattered crystal has a gift to give!



It's official: Bartz blows.



Faris: What's happening?
Galuf: Feels warm...
Lenna: Are these the crystals'... essences?



OMG PLOT CONTRIVANCE!



Faris: !?
*Faris steps up to take a better look*
King Tycoon: Listen, and listen well. You four are the chosen ones, the warriors of light...bearers of the four crystal essences.
Lenna: Father... What do you mean?
*Lenna steps up to the dais*
King Tycoon: The wind crystal has already shattered. The other three crystals are in danger as well. You four must protect them! An evil presence is awakening... One that wishes to return everything to darkness...

Great Scott, this is heavy.



That doesn't look good.

*The king warps off*
King Tycoon: Go forth, Light Warriors! Save the crystals...
*Lenna raises her arms!*
Lenna: Wait- No, Father!!!
*Lenna lets her arms drop and gets all depressed*
*The crystal shards all gather around and flash*
*Everyone gathers around*
Lenna: ...What are these? {I guess the Tycoon education system isn't very good.}
Bartz: Guess they're pieces of the crystal...
*The crystal shards close in*
Crystal fragments... And stored within, the power of warriors of legend...

Knight
Monk
Blue Mage
Thief
Black Mage
White Mage

♪♪ Fanfare 1 ♪♪

Bartz: The crystal... it's lending us its power...
*Galuf walks over to Bartz*
Galuf: ...For now, let's get out of here.
*Bartz and Faris nod*
*Lenna checks out the dais one last time and Faris walks up to her*
Faris: Lenna...
*Lenna nods and they walk back to the others*
Lenna: ...There should be a warp panel to the outside behind the altar.

Well well well... Let's see, what to do now? Oh I know!