I've got a Job for you! - Let's Play Final Fantasy V!

Hhhhuh. I missed that there was a review of 1.

My Life Drawing professor was actually in Beastmaster, you know. He's one of the guards in the big dumb helmets.

More new jobs!

Bartz - Ninja
Lenna - Geomancer
Galuf - Monk
Faris - Beastmaster

Keep Bartz as a Ninja until he learns Dual-Wield, then switch him back to a Mystic Knight so you have an instant-win button against any enemies that have elemental weaknesses

Lenna's got the best Geomancer outfit of them all. Plus, I still want to see her have total mastery over summons and be able to use !Gaia to wreck the more annoying enemies.

Galuf... well, I'm really wanting to see him built up so that Krile can learn Zeninage and destroy the final boss with gil, but there's no way to really do that at this point. So, back to Monk for the Max-HP+XX% traits.

I still think a Dragoon/Time Mage combo is best, but seeing how she already has Haste and I've never really utilized a Beastmaster before, I'll go with that.

So you want Bartz to be a Ninja until World 2?

Make everyone either a Beastmaster or a Geomancer. Don't care which.

We're lookin' at Team Pajama Party!

Yes, is that a problem?

Part VI - The Pagemaster 2: Clowns in the Library

Last time Karnak Castle blew up, and so did the fire crystal. Fortunately, we got something out of it: lots of treasures and 3 new Jobs! And our intrepid power-abusing gang of misfits have already seen to their usual duties of abusing said power.



Upon realizing that he'd get to dress like a low-budget Shredder from TMNT, Bartz totally donned a ninja costume and is noisily declaring that the shadows hide him from all to anyone who will listen. He's not a very good Ninja just yet, but he did bring along his !Spellblade ability so he can cast spells on both blades at once. Clever!

Galuf misunderstood the purpose of the Beastmaster class and picked it out, thinking it'd give him control of animals. He was horribly disappointed to learn that it just meant he has to dress like a sheep and try to capture roving monsters to use as one-shot bombs. Bitter, he stuck his Learning command on and decided to just go with it.

Faris drew the short straw again and had to dress up in another clown outfit as a Geomancer. "I don't get how this keeps happening to me," she declared as she rang her new bell a bit morosely. But she's got her !Summon command still, so at least she can give Shiva a call and the two of them can hang out for tea and sympathy.

Lenna felt sorry for Faris after the undisclosed incident that got her stuck in another ridiculous suit and opted to share her pain. She's now wearing the dorky threads of a Geomancer too, and can also cast !White magic. "Beats dressing up like a sheep", she muttered to herself and tried her best not to laugh at Galuf.

(Today's update is in Dull Gray, because we ARE going to a library later after all.)



♪♪ Cursed Earth ♪♪

First on the list, we talk with the residents of Karnak again!

Walking Aound
Scholar: The crystals are broken and darkness is taking over the world... It's a nightmare!
Man: Professor Cid's machine was what broke the crystal!? Unbelievable!
Man: The castle's gone...
Woman: When the castle blew, the wall blocking off the Library of the Ancients did as well.
Man: Queen Karnak collapsed in the fire-powered ship... They bright her to the second floor of the inn to rest.

At the Pub
Old Man: Cid's grandson, Mid, is off at the Library of the Ancients. He's even more crazy about learning than Cid is!
Man: The crystal's gone, so now the fire-powered ship is nothing more than a hunk of junk.
Old Man: Feels like the fire's getting weaker...brr.
Bartender: Professor Cid headed to the fire-powered ship. {The bartender's clearly behind the times. So is the dude from Jachol, who still thinks the way to the Library of the Ancients is blocked. Silly NPCs, will you ever learn?}

At the Inn
Chancellor: The queen is upstairs, but she's been wounded. The castle was destroyed...
Soldier: The queen has been delirious since we found her.
Soldier: We were able to get out of the castle, but...
Soldier: We rescued the queen from the fire-powered ship, but she's sustained injuries...
Queen Karnak: The darkness! Don't... don't come any closer...

In a House
Scholar: In the western desert is a fearsome monster called a dhorme chimera... Be careful!

Well, that seems to have cleared up that. Next stop: the Library of the Ancients!



After we raid some nearby barrels on top of the city walls for decidedly low-grade treasure. Come on, we've got, like, 6 of those already!



And get new stuff from the surprise new merchant in town. Actually, not much he sells we can even use yet!



♪♪ Battle 1 ♪♪

On the way to the library, Faris tries her new Gaia skill. Unfortunately, she picked Earthquake against a flying enemy, so she just stands there looking like an idiot.



A desert? How unexpected! Let's trek across it like idiots!



OSHI- That thing the guy in town warned us about!



It breathes Aqua Breath at the party! Suddenly our thirst is quenched! And our HP is halved!



♪♪ Victory Fanfare ♪♪

We win anyway, and Galuf gloats about his "mad skillz". Shut up, Galuf.



After a bit of coaxing, Galuf got Faris to take on Learning for a fight so he could show off his new !Control command. "Pretty cool, huh?" The party just laughed at Galuf, and moved on to the Library of the Ancients.



♪♪ The Ancient Library ♪♪

Where they met more people to talk to!

Scholar: I haven't the faintest idea where Mid's run off to.
Scholar: Hi said something about looking for a book... I haven't seen him since then.
Scholar: Eh, Mid? That's Professor Cid's grandson.
Scholar: This is the Library of the Ancients, an archive of old texts. Why, you should be reading right now!
Scholar: Some books in the basement have been possessed by monsters. Such a shame...
Scholar: According to our texts, long ago, the crystals used to be much more powerful than they are today. After learning that, Professor Cid created machines to increase the power of the crystals to their former states.
Scholar: It's this one, I think...
Scholar: Due south of here is the village of Jachol. They've excavated all sorts of precious items from the ruins there.
Scholar: This is the library's oldest tome. However, half of its pages have been lost, so it cannot be read.
Scholar: I feel like there's something quite important within these pages...
Scholar: Thirty years ago, a monster-Byblos-appeared near the Wind Shrine... It was eventually sealed beneath this library.
Scholar: A long time ago, Ifrit would burn the possessed books for us...
Scholar: I only want to burn the books that are possessed... But we don't know which ones those are...

Woo, exposition ho! I need a drink and a good book after all that blabber.



Ahh, nothing like an Elixir Lite.

Thanks, mysterious traveler!



Got one of those... Level 5 Death sounds dead useful. But it also sounds like you'd have to be a multiple of level 5 to learn it, and none of us are. Hmm...



OSHI- POSSESSED BOOK!



♪♪ Battle 1 ♪♪

I think it's time to take a page out of that scholar's book and shred some fiends!



Holy crap, this guy can use Level 5 Death! And here we're all level 19. So close!



So a load state and a few battles later... Ha! Got it THIS time!



♪♪ Requiem ~ Game Over ♪♪

...Oh yeah, we're ALL level 20. DAMN IT!



So in a move I'm sure the party will never ever regret ever, Lenna opts to take the fall and be a level behind so the party can learn Level 5 Death.



Hooray Level 5 Death! Hooray for no consequences!



Library of the Ancients
Enemies: Page 32, Page 64, Page 128, Page 256

So the party, high on power and lovin' it, make their way into the depths of the library. "I'll be taking back my !Summon now, Galuf. You stick with Learning." Galuf pouted for the entire trip.



Deeper in the library, the party found it was much darker. "Hey, get off my toes, Lenna!" "Shut up, Bartz. You're the worst Ninja ever." Camaraderie was at an all-time low.



"Damn it, Galuf! Stop trying to catch books!" "Oh like you're helping with your dorky bell!" "Hey, leave Faris alone!" "I'm a Ninja!" "SHUT UP BARTZ!" Their rage was so heavy that this witless Page 256 didn't even realize it didn't need to cast Moon Flute on them to make them berserk.



Not that they minded much, since they learned Moon Flute either way.



The party's rage subsided around the time they realized that even the bookshelves were trying to kill them down here. "Truce?" Bartz asked hesitantly, and the others grudgingly nodded.

Down a hidden path behind some books (what a shock!), they found a book with a sealed demon in it called Ifrit.



Ifrit made a deal with them: beat the shit out of him and they can summon him. Sure!



♪♪ Battle 2 ♪♪

Ifrit then showed that he meant business by torching Bartz. "Ow! Ninja BURN!"



Bartz responded with a Mythril Sword to the crotch. Ifrit was not amused.



Faris followed up with a Shiva assault. Ifrit was even less amused.



Galuf slashed at Ifrit and thought he'd muted him!



Ifrit laughed and kicked Faris in the jaw. "I'm a god, you idiot, you can't stop me that easily."



"Fair enough," Bartz said, and tossed a Broadsword at Ifrit. He was disappointed in the damage output, to say the least.



Ifrit then tried to cast Fira again, only to discover... he WAS silenced after all! "Oh me-damnit!"



The fight didn't last much longer after that, since they'd just given Ifrit wine gums. Though Lenna did confuse him at one point by casting Ignatus Fautus on his butt and healing him. "You humans make no damn sense," Ifrit muttered.



You have proven your worth. I shall grant you the use of my powers.

Awesome! He even tossed in a Flame Scroll as a sign-up bonus.

♪♪ Victory Fanfare ♪♪

Our pantheon of gods is increasing steadily!



The party decided to celebrate with a mid-dungeon class change. Well, most of them did, anyway. Bartz refused to let anyone take off his Ninja gear. "I'm the goddamn Shredder, bitch!" he yelled. Embarrassed for him, Lenna donned a Ninja garb herself and vowed to show him how to do it.

Galuf meanwhile decided he wanted a change of pace and convinced Bartz to take on Learning while Galuf took up thievery and !Blue magic. "You're my whipping boy!" he said gleefully. Bartz was not amused.

Faris, tired of all the bickering, stuck on a pair of fuzzy earmuffs and became a !Summon-ing Beastmaster. "Much better," she muttered as she watched Lenna kick Bartz in the crotch on accident as she tried to practice her Ninja skills.



After swapping rows a bit, the party continued on back to the bookcase from before. There they discovered that having a fire demon-god on your side is a good incentive in a library full of possessed books.



"Dibs!" "Oh damn you, Bartz!"



Faris decided to try out Ifrit, and was quite satisfied with the result. "Burn motherfuckers BURN!" The rest of the party shied away from her, fearful for their lives.



"Why would you even put an opening here?" "So you can push friends who ask stupid questions off the shelves to their death. Stop asking dumb questions, Bartz."



Past another possessed book, the party found a save point and used it. "Can we please break out a Tent? I'm exhausted!" "From what exactly? All you do is attack in battle. Shut up, Bartz, we're moving on."



An NPC blocked by your dialogue box, that's what!

Lenna: Mid?
Galuf: Stay on your toes! I have a bad feeling about this place.



Ack, book attack!

♪♪ Battle 2 ♪♪

And wouldn't you know it, it's that bastard Byblos. Just what we needed. Ah well, at least we got the first strike.



"Hey, nice hammer!" "Eh, take it. I've got a dozen more where that came from."



Byblos cast Protect on himself right away, meaning Lenna and Bartz just got demoted to second-class fighters. Damn it!



"Let me, you chudmonkeys." Byblos gives Faris a dirty look.



"Galuf, you idiot! He absorbs wind!" "Well excuse me for trying things!"



"Not like we need this stupid spear anyway..."



"Have a longsword!"



"Hey!" "Told ya I had a dozen more of those."



"Have I mentioned you're all chudmonkeys?" "We get it, Faris!"



"I breathe water bubbles at you!" "Uh, Galuf, you don't have to call out your attacks..."



So, this is the end...but only for me. Very soon, the master's seal will be blown wide open!!!

Sore loser. Byblos fades out differently from any other boss to this point. He gets a double lightning-strike sound and then sorta melts into the floor. Ew.

♪♪ Victory Fanfare ♪♪

Haha, Mid's a dick.

Bartz: Don't tell me you were engrossed in that book the whole time!?
Mid: What whole time? Now that you mention it, I did hear some rustling behind me... Oh, was that you?
*The party's exasperated*
Bartz: !?
Lenna: ...!?
Galuf: You've gotta be kidding.
Faris: A strange bird, this one...
*Mid raises his hand and jumps*
Mid: Whatever...guess it's time to go back, huh? You guys coming too? I know a shortcut.
*Mid opens the bookcase behind him, then walks into it, waving to the party to follow him*



Looks like it comes out here. Poor scholar.

*Mid walks out into the midst of the scholars*
Scholar: Mid! There you are!
*The scholars gather 'round Mid as the party lines up behind him*
Scholar: Mid! You're all right!
Scholar: Thank you for finding Mid!
Scholar: Thank goodness you're back!
*Mid jumps in shock and faces the party*
Mid: Huh? You came to save me?
*Mid nods*
Mid: I dunno what I needed to be sved from, but it was nice of you anyway. Oh yeah! Look at this!

I reiterate: Mid's a dick.



Check it out... I bet with this method, we could repower the fire-powered ship!
*Mid faces the party*
Mid: I've gotta tell Grandpa Cid about it right away!
Bartz: Cid?
Mid: Oh, you know of him? He's my grandfather.
*The party looks down*
Mid: Grandpa is so awesome! When he's researching he's unstoppable-he never gives up until he's found the solution!
*Faris looks up*
Faris: Maybe that's how he was in the past, but now...
Mid: What're you talking about?

Yes, what ARE they talking about?



Faris, how do you even know that?

Mid: What!? He would never do that!
*Faris looks down again*
*Mid spins around, grabs his book, and rushes out of the library, rudely shoving a scholar aside on the way out*
Lenna: Wait-Mid!
*The party pursues*

I get the feeling I forgot to talk to Cid when we were back in Karnak. Oops.



♪♪ Cursed Earth ♪♪

Sure enough, he's on the top floor of the pub.

Cid: ...
Lenna: Mid isn't here?
Faris: Come on, man. Pull yourself together!
*Cid looks at the party, then goes back to drowning his sorrows*
Cid: Leave me alone... Don't waste your time on a worthless old lump like me.
*The party looks down*
Mid: Grandpa!
*Mid appears at the staircase*
Cid: Mid?
*Mid runs up and starts smacking Cid!*



No seriously, he smacks Cid around like a pinata.

Cid: Ouch! Mid, stop that! What are you doing?
*Mid keeps smacking Cid*
Mid: What am I doing? What are YOU doing, you silly old fool!? You never give up! Never!
*Mid continues smacking Cid, then stops and looks down*
Cid: Mid...
Mid: You always told me not to be afraid of failing... That if you messed up, you just had to start over and try again... What happened to that!?
Cid: Mid...
*Cid looks down too, then looks back up*
Cid: Mid... ... Just try again... ... Mid! You're absolutely right!



♪♪ The Fire-Powered Ship ♪♪

*Cid nods*
Cid: It's not over. The earth crystal is still out there!
Bartz: Yeah, but where?
Cid: That I don't know. But we've got to find it and protect it! And to do that...
Mid: We'll need the fire-powered ship! I'm right, aren't I?
*Cid nods again*
Cid: Yes... We'll need to get the fire-powered ship moving again. But without the crystal...
Mid: Way ahead of you, Grandpa. Just look at this!
*Mid puts the book on the table and opens it for Cid to read*
Cid: Ohh, where'd you dig this up? Hmm... Ahh, I see, like that... Nicev work, Mid, this could do it!
*Cid steps over to face his grandson*
Cid: All right! Let's get to work!
Mid: Yeah!
*Mid nods to Cid, Cid nods to Mid, both not to the party*
*The party nods right back*
*Cid and Mid grab the book and hurry off, Cid stopping to nod once more to the party*

Aw yeah. We're gonna have a ship, baby!



Looks like they're already here.



Jeez, warn me before you do shit like that!

Mid: Move it, guys! {Ahahaha, still a dick I see, Mid.}
*Mid walks up to the mast and Cid walks down the right side of the ship*
Cid: You'll have to excuse Mid, he's all fired up! We'll take care of the ship, so you kids just sit tight.
*Bartz nods, and Cid joins Mid at the mast*
*The party heads inside the ship*



Ooh, are we FINALLY gonna learn who this old fart is? ...Probably not.

*The party walks over to him, concerned*
Faris: Yes...you do look even stranger than usual. {Faris BURN!}
Lenna: Galuf, are you all right?
*Galuf walks left and looks down again*
Galuf: My head...
*The screen mosaics up a few times and Galuf walks back up to the party, still hanging his head*
Galuf: It was like I could almost remember...
*More mosaic*



♪♪ Reminiscence ♪♪

A flashback to 2 minutes ago? What is this, Tales of Symphonia 2?

*Mid appears*
Cid: Mid?
*Mid starts to walk over*



What the who the where the HUH?!

*A little girl, presumably called Krile, walks out*
Galuf: Krile!

Oho, so this is a revelation flashback! Please, proceed.



*Mid resumes beating on Cid*
Mid: What am I doing? What are YOU doing, you silly old fool!? You never give up! Never!
*Fade out of Mid beating up Cid*

I'm liking the direction this flashback is going.



*Krile keeps beating on Galuf*
Krile: Silly old fool!
*Fade out of Krile beating up Galuf*

Ahaha familial abuse is hilarious!



Yep, he's remembered! Now we can finally find out who this old fart is!

*Screen mosaic x2 again!*
Bartz: Galuf! What happened!?
Lenna: Did you remember something!?
*Galuf walks left again and looks down again, then faces the party again*
Galuf: I'm...I'm not from this world!
Bartz: !?

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN! Of course, the fact that he got to this world in a goddamn meteorite was kind of a spoiler to that.

Goddamn illegal aliens stealing all our Jobs!

Galuf: I warped here through a meteorite from another world. Because... The evil we'd sealed thirty years ago was beginning to reawaken... So I came to stop it...
Bartz: Evil is reawakening? {I think Bartz has ADHD. This has only been mentioned about 8 times now.}
Galuf: That's right... Big, bad evil, too-the dark warlock, Exdeath!

Wow, you know a villain is badass when he has a name like THAT. He's not just death incarnate, he's EX-death incarnate! Wait...



Another flashback with a suspiciously familiar dude in the south spot and a very familiar one in the top spot.

Perfect! We'll use their power to seal Exdeath here!



We get a pan over a somewhat familiar bit of land (it's not too far from the Wind Shrine, and we've seen it several times as the world map has panned across that area). Hmm, so that's where Exdeath is sealed. Last time there were only two stones, though and... now there's probably only one. Well shit.



Exposition fountain's running dry here, Galuf. Can we wrap this up?

Lenna: So... If all four crystals are destroyed, then Exdeath's seal will be broken as well?
Galuf: Right... ughhh...my head...
*Galuf walks left again and the screen mosaics again*
The party walks over to him, concerned again*
Bartz: Galuf!
Galuf: Still...still can't remmeber clearly...urg... We can't...allow Exdfeath t'...be reborn...gkk...
*Another mosaic or two and Galuf passes out*
Bartz: Galuf!!!
Galuf: 'M...okay...

Thank you.



♪♪ The Fire-Powered Ship ♪♪

Aww, like grandfather, like grandson.

Mid: Zzz...zzz...



...A top?

*Cid stretches, then wakes up Mid*
Mid: *yawn*...Ahhh, slept like a top! Heheh, I sound like the old man!
*Mid stretches too*
*Mid runs down to the party's side and hops a bit*
Mid: It's finished! We are so awesome!
Cid: Presenting, a boat that will sail without any wind!
*Bartz faces Cid*
Bartz: So we can use this ship to go find the earth crystal!
Cid: Righto! We're counting on you. We'll return to the Library of the Ancients for now.
Mid: We should be able to find some more clues there.
*Bartz nods and Cid and Mid nod back*
*Bartz sees Cid and Mid off the ship*
*The ship dock pulls away*
Cid: If you need anything, then just stop by!
Mid: Take care of yourselves!
*Bartz nods, then takes the wheel*
Bartz: We're off!



And we're away with a new ship! So, now that that part of the adventure is done with, what shall we do with the party's classes? Decide now and we'll see how things work out next time!

Current Stats:
Bartz: Level 20, Ninja L3 (!Guard, !Flee, !Smoke, !Image, !Check, !Spellblade L2, !White L2, !Black L2, Cover, Learning, First Strike, Find Passages, Sprint}
Lenna: Level 20, Ninja L1 (!Focus, !Flee, !Smoke, !Check, !Gaia, !White L3, !Red L1, Barehanded, Berserk, Find Passages, Find Pits)
Galuf: Level 20, Thief L1 (!Focus, !Check, !Calm, !Control, !Red L2, !Blue, Barehanded, Cover, Learning, Find Passages)
Faris: Level 20, Beastmaster L1 (!Flee, !Check, !Calm, !Gaia, !Black L2, !Time L3, !Summon L2, Cover, Learning, Find Passages, Find Pits)

Game Overs: 3

Next time: Seafaring 101, Jachol, Istory, and a strange bird...

I couldn't resist...

As for Jobs, since there aren't any new ones, I'll just repeat what I've already said.

I assume that means he tossed and turned.

My votes:
Bartz - Ninja
Lenna - Monk
Galuf - The memories of familial abuse unlock pent-up rage - Berserker!
Faris - Summoner

I did some research (by which I mean I Googled it), and apparently the phrase turned up in Don Juan (a book from 1819). It's a very antiquated phrase that more or less means the same thing as "slept like a log", ie. slept so soundly that you could be mistaken for the dead.

Part VII - Sea What I Mean?

Last time the party hunted down Cid's dickish grandson Mid in the Library of the Ancients and got themselves a new ship. The whole wide seas are open to them now, so the only natural response is to change classes arbitrarily again because they can.



Well, some of them anyway. Bartz really loves his Ninja outfit and has decided to stick with it. He's got !Image on now. "Ninjas have no need for non-Ninja skills!"

Lenna decided to take up punching things until they stop moving again. "Might makes right!" she screamed and slammed her fists into Bartz' stomach for practice. She's still sporting her !White command even so, because someone has to play the healer role for the party.

Galuf, enraged at his recovered memories of familial abuse, tried to rip off all of his clothes and go on a rampage. Fortunately Bartz managed to talk him down, but he still put on a wolf costume and picked up an axe (as well as sticking on his Learning skill again). Everyone's keeping their distance from him, though wether it be due to fear of his wrath or fear of his fleas is anyone's guess.

Faris, quite pleased with the fact that her earmuffs drowned out her allies' bickering, decided to keep them on. She's just chillin' with her !Summon command and letting the others abuse one another while she takes down pretty much anything even remotely dangerous to the party.

(Today's update will be in Kasparov vs. Deep Blue, because we're at sea after all.)



♪♪ The Fire-Powered Ship ♪♪

The seas were calm, with few encounters. Galuf and Lenna, however, quickly found themselves wishing for a battle since Bartz wouldn't stop singing "100 bottles of Ether on the wall" horribly off-key. Faris just smiled and steered, deaf to it all.



♪♪ Battle 1 ♪♪

Before long, Lenna and Galuf got their wish.



And Faris ended up doing most of the work anyway, as usual.



♪♪ Four Valiant Hearts ♪♪

In hopes of finding a sock to stuff in Bartz' mouth, the group made landfall to the far south of the Library of the Ancients and made their way to a nearby town.



As usual, Faris had to carry the fights.



♪♪ Tenderness in the Air ♪♪

At last, they reached Jachol! (For those who don't care about NPC dialogue, feel free to skip to the next screenshot. For anyone else, enjoy.)

Walkin' Around
Old Man: Welcome to Jachol. We who live in this village are descended from the ancient Ronkans... Heh, sounds like a big deal, don't it!
Man: The shops here sell weapons and armor that were excavated from the caves to the north.
Boy: My pa's an adventurer! He's off adventuring right now!
Old Man: My grandpap was an adventruer. He told me there was something kept underneath Crescent Island.
Woman: Five hundred years ago, our ancestors had a great civilization...
Old Woman: The ancient ruins... Ain't no one allowed to go in there, but them young folks nowadays don't pay no heed to nothing!
Man: Waaay east of here, there's an island called "Crescent Island"-ever heard of it? It really is shaped like a crescent! How ingeniously appropriate!
Girl: Ever been to Istory Falls? They're huge, and supposed to be breathtaking... Man, I wanna go!
Old Woman: They say you can hear weird sounds coming from the ground on Crescent Island... Freaky!

In the Pub
Old Man: You kids and your foolhardy sense of adventure! Pfah!
Bartender: This pub's always full of adventurers trying to find treasure in the northern cave.
Adventurer: The caves up north are full of traps left by the Ancients. Watch your step!
Adventurer: Wait patiently on the road with the skull switches, and the truth will be revealed...
Adventurer: If you go all the way into the cave and then climb the wall, it takes you outside.
Adventurer: The caves have been pretty run through by now, so most of the treasure chests you'll see have already been looted. You wouldn't think there's much point in checking them out, but try it... Might have something to do with the Ancients' traps...
Dancer: Come on, honey, stand next to me and we can do something special...



"Gimme or I cut you!" "Galuf scares me now, guys..."



♪♪ I'm a Dancer! ♪♪

Bartz decided to go give that dancer what she'd asked for. She did a cha-cha with him.



Then someone from the audience joined in!



And then the fourth wall broke.



Twice, no less!



♪♪ Piano Lesson 4 ♪♪

Naturally, Bartz couldn't resist the nearby piano afterwards. "I'm gettin' good! Watch me play chopsticks!"

♪♪ Slumber of Ancient Earth ♪♪

Curious about the riches that might be hidden within, the unscrupulous party made their way to Jachol Cave to try their luck. "Methinks a bit of !Gaia will be useful here," Faris muttered and swapped a few commands around.



Not but a few steps into the cave, a strange beast was encountered! But it fled as soon as it saw the party! Surely such a beast must be tame as can be, then.



Certainly it was a nice beast, giving them 5 ABP like that! "Let's find more of those things, I like them!" Bartz said cheerfully.



Before long they found the "road of skull switches" mentioned at the pub. "Is this where you got the idea for your pirate cave switch, Faris?" Galuf asked, but of course Faris couldn't hear him.



Suddenly almost all of the switches vanished! "Quick, hit it!"



On their way back through the cave, another Skull Eater appeared and was not as nice as the last one. "Galuf, no!"



While Bartz tossed some feathers on Galuf's horribly mutilated corpse, Faris decided to try her luck with !Gaia. It killed the fell beast instantly! "I don't think I like those things very much any more," Bartz muttered.



"Aha, I knew that locked door had a switch somewhere!" "Obviously, right?" "Anyone know why Faris has been so quiet lately?" "Who cares, SWITCH!"



"DIBSDIBSDIBSDIBSDIBS!" "We get it, Bartz."



"Hey Faris, you want this?" "..." "Guess we'll just toss it, th-OW!" Faris may not be able to hear her allies, but she certainly can still smack them for being idiots.



"Check it out! Ninja WALL CLIMB!" "We're climbing too, you know." "You are unworthy of the Ninja Wall Climb! OW, what was that for, Faris?"



"Yeah, great, thanks for that excessive workout, Bartz. Now we're stuck in a tiny little valley with nowhere to go." "Not my fault! It was Galuf's idea! OW! Now Galuf's hitting me too!?"



"I really don't like these things any more..." "Maybe we should just leave 'im dead this time."



"Camping time, woo! Let's sing 'Kumbaya!'" "...Bartz gets to sleep outside the tent tonight." "NOOOO!"

Their misadventures in Jachol complete, the party sailed the fire-powered ship to the far far north to a small bay town. Bartz spent most of the voyage tied to the mainsail and gagged.



♪♪ Tenderness in the Air ♪♪

At last, they reached Istory! Talking to everyone commenced.

Gone Walkabout
Old Man: I don't mind life at a slower pace... That's why I'm a shepherd.
Girl: I took a spin around the flowerbed and found something good!
Woman: The last quake completely blocked the road to the falls.
Old Man: I can't believe there are still frogs sleeping when it's this warm out! Strange, I tells ya!
Man: Have you seen that huge waterfall east of here? That's Istory Falls! Pretty impressive, huh? Still every time I see those millions of gallons of water, I kinda feel this...urge... {Keeping far away from this guy when visiting the falls...}
Old Woman: Some monster dressed liek an old feller's wanderin' the eastern woods. Stay sharp, or he'll zap you with a bolt o' lightnin'!
Girl: Better stay away from that sheep in the left corner of the pen, or it'll kick you! It's really got a baaad attitude.
Old Man: There's treasure hidden behind the waterfall! ...At least, that's what my dear old great-great-grandmother told me.

In the Item Shop
Old Man: I'll tell you about rings... Flame Rings absorb fire and protect against frost, but are weak against water attacks. Coral Rings absorb water and protect against flame, but are weak against lightning attacks. Angel Rings protect against aging and zombification. While I'm at it, I'll tell you about the ultimate accessory, the Ribbon! It prevents most status ailments!



That's no sheep...



I knew it!



Bartz has never been known for his bright ideas...



Case in point!



"And we're really bad at it too! Three down, one to go!" "Bartz, shut UP!"



Thanks, but I don't think warbling The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins at our enemies is gonna help much.



Those rings in the item shop look awesome, but we can't possibly afford that. Just look at those damn prices!



Bartz takes out his frustration by running a lap on top of the flowers. "Die, plants, die!"



Oops, he woke up a frog!



Who left him a spell! Not a bad deal, overall!



The party left town and decided to fight the local baddies. They turned out to be living flames. They were highly resistant to everything, too! "This kinda sucks. Why are we fighting out here, again?"



♪♪ Battle 2 ♪♪

"To find this old dude, duh!"

"Hey, he zapped me!" "Shocking! OW, hit him, not me!"



"Here, have a Mage Masher!"



"Well that didn't do much." "Who's a chudmonkey now, chudmonkey?"



"Great, as if I didn't get enough static cling in this outfit as it is..."



"Holy crap!" "Guys, I think this guy's serious." "Ya think, Bartz!?"



"You know him, fire-demon-buddy?" "Yeah, it's a long story..."

What are you doing here?
Ifrit: Lord Ramuh! I see you have become even more powerful. If you would lend that strength to us...
Ramuh: Ifrit! No need to say more. You and I have never been enemies!



"All in all, that worked out pretty well." "Whoa, Faris can speak!" "Sure, she just can't hear us, apparently."



On their way to the previously mentioned Crescent Island, the party decided to stop off on an isolated island for a picnic. "Why did we let Bartz talk us into this?"



"I don't think we invited HIM to the party!"



"It's cool, I got this, guys." "Anyone else notice how Faris seems to be doing all the work for us?" "Yep. Great, isn't it?"



♪♪ Victory Fanfare ♪♪

"That took WAY longer than it should have. Galuf, you idiot, why did you keep attacking it!?" "GALUF SMASH!"

Having a Berserker, as it turns out, is a VERY bad idea when you're trying to use !Control. On the bright side, the party got a Dark Matter and the !Blue skills Missile and Flame Thrower out of it.

The group decided to do a bit of grinding, and picked up a skill or two on the way too. "Anything to get Galuf out of his damn Berserker phase..."



"Hey, I'm not done being enraged!" "So beat your enemies to death with your bare hands, then." "Hey, good idea!"



♪♪ Tenderness in the Air ♪♪

At last, the party arrives at Crescent!



♪♪ Danger! ♪♪

Say WHAT!?



Oh crap!



It's at sea, it'll be fine. Unless, you know, a tsunami hits it. What do the locals have to say about this?



"Not much" is the answer to that. Guess we'd better check on the ship, then.



Wait what no.



"DAMN IT! That's the second ship you idiots have sunk on my watch! I hate you all!" "Let's steer clear of Faris for a bit, guys..."



Don't tell me your ship was sucked into a whirlpool, too? A-hua-hua! Totally unlucky!

Yeah, rub it in, old man... Anyway, more talking time.

Wandering About
Old Woman: This island is blessed! Crops grow on their own, and even though it rarely rains, nothing ever seems to need water.
Old Woman: Another good harvest this year! It's all thanks to the fertile soil on this ilsand!
Woman: Sometimes you can hear strange noises coming from underground... Gives me the creeps!
Old Woman: Gee, look at this water! It rarely rains here, but the spring just keeps bubbling up!
Woman: Gramps used to tell me that rock-like monsters really hate gold hairpins. The fashion world is fickle, huh! {It's true: any rock-class monster can be insta-killed with a Gold Needle. That'll come in handy later!}
Man: I tried to catch a black chocobo in the forest, but he outran me... Wouldn't chocobo racing be totally extreme? ...No, I guess not.

At the Inn
Woman: Heh, this old guy's a kick! Hey, tell us again about the ruins.
Old Man: You can find the ruins of Ronka on the western continent. What's really weird, though, is that the artifacts found there are the same as the ones found on this island!
Kid: Yo, Pops! These folks wanna know about the chocobos.
Same Old Man: Black chocobos were glorious birds born and bred in the forest. Once you mounted one, you could only dismount in a forest. But now they're all extinct...



If you sing it in battle, little by little, your energy will increase!
♪♪ Fanfare 1 ♪♪
Learned Mighty March!

Thanks, bardly bardish. Any other tips?



Sure!



♪♪ Piano Lesson 5 ♪♪

"I can totally play the piano like a pro now!" "The bard's not impressed, Bartz." "Yeah, well... screw him, I'm a Ninja!"



So yeah, word on the street was, there's a Black Chocobo living in a nearby forest. Bartz totally wants to check out that pimped-out ride, maybe even get a little breeding action in with said bird and Boko. The rest of the party are giving Bartz a wide berth right now, unsurprisingly.

♪♪ Huh? ♪♪

Sure enough, it's a forest for Black Chocobos!



"It's a bird, you dumb old man." "Shut up, Bartz."

Lenna: A chocobo...?
Faris: Doesn't look like any chocobo I've ever seen.
Bartz: Whatever it is, I'll catch it!

"Yes, you do that, Bartz. We'll be back here. Waaaaaay back here." "You guys suck."



That was easy.

Bartz: He's a black chocobo!
Lenna: Oh! This means they aren't extinct after all!
Bartz: Guess not! Black chocobos can fly, so... Giddyup!

"Thank Ronka it's a male..." "I heard that, Galuf!"



♪♪ Mambo de Chocobo ♪♪ (...Sorta.)

And we're away!



And we're... not away.



I bet the bird didn't enjoy that either.

Galuf: He didn't giddy. Did you break him or something?
Faris: Not funny, old man. Sounds like he's got something stuck down his gullet...



Hey, I recognize that!



Indeed!

Faris: They must've been blown here by the explosion in Karnak... {That's one hell of a migration!}
*The others walk over to the shards*
Bartz: ...And 'cause he swallowed them, he couldn't fly!
*Bartz grabs the shards*
Resting within the shard, a warrior's spirit...
Bard
Ranger
*Bartz rubs his head*
Bartz: Ew, they're still sticky.
Galuf: Maybe this time he'll be able to fly!

Let'sa try!



♪♪ Mambo de Chocobo ♪♪ (For reals this time!)

The bird does a little dance and hops just as the music hits the "HOO!" It's kinda cute.



And we're flying! Better go tell Cid and Mid what happened, I guess...



♪♪ The Ancient Library ♪♪

Bartz: Cid... We found Crescent Island, but the fire-powered ship sank!
*Mid runs down to face Lenna*
Cid: Oh, so?
Mid: Whatever. We'll just build another one! {Wow, these guys are nonchallant.}
Cid: More importantly, we've learned the whereabouts of King Tycoon!
*The party jumps, shocked!*
Lenna: What!?
Cid: He was seen in Karnak. From there, he moved on to the Desert of Shifting Sands...
Faris: Shifting Sands, you say?
Mid: It's the desert to the west of here, where the sand flows like water...
Cid: ...Thus the name. It's impossible for people to enter. They say that past the desert is the Town of Ruin, but no one can actually get there to see.
Bartz: If no one can enter the desert, how did the king manage to do it?
Cid: Good question.
*Everyone looks down*
Mid: Witnesses claimed to see him floating in midair.
Bartz: Floating...!?
*Everyone looks up and Mid nods*
Lenna: Father...
Faris: Come on, it's not like we're getting any closer to that desert by sitting around here.
*Everyone looks at Faris*
Galuf: Doesn't matter how close we get TO it if we don't know how to get IN!
Faris: Maybe we'll see it and be inspired. Don't tell me you're afraid of some sand, old man...
Galuf: Please! When I was your age, we crossed burning sand every day and liked it! Come on, Bartz!
*Lenna looks down again and Bartz faces her*
Bartz: Let's check it out!
*Lenna looks up and nods*

I guess we have our destination, the Ogir-Yensa Sandsea Desert of Shifting Sands! Hmm, but wasn't there something else I was gonna do first?



Oh yeah, I knew I was forgetting something! That black bird had some new Jobs for us!

Bard - Musicians whose dulcet tones soothe the savage beasts... or kill them.
Pros - Some of their songs are insanely useful and all are cost-free
Cons - It's a BARD, what do you think? Mages would call these guys wimps
Equipment: Daggers, Harps, Light Armor
Native Skills: !Sing
Learns: !Hide (25), Equip Harps (50), !Sing (100)



Ranger - Nature-loving archers who can call on local wildlife for aid.
Pros - Bows can be fired at full damage from the back row, gets awesome abilities
Cons - Pretty meh stats (but that's why they're back-rowers), magic rips them apart
Equipment: Daggers, Bows, Medium Armor
Native Skills: !Aim
Learns: !Animals (15), !Aim (45), Equip Bows (135), !Rapid Fire (450)

I just know you're going to stick me with at least one Bard before long, so I won't even try to dissuade you. The only question is, who will be the Spoony One? You make the call!

Current Stats:
Bartz: Level 21, Ninja L3 (!Guard, !Flee, !Smoke, !Image, !Check, !Spellblade L2, !White L2, !Black L2, Cover, Learning, First Strike, Find Passages, Sprint}
Lenna: Level 21, Monk L3 (!Focus, !Chakra, !Flee, !Smoke, !Check, !Gaia, !White L3, !Red L1, Barehanded, Berserk, Find Passages, Find Pits)
Galuf: Level 21, Monk L2 (!Focus, !Check, !Calm, !Control, !Red L2, !Blue, Barehanded, Cover, Learning, Berserk, Find Passages)
Faris: Level 21, Beastmaster L2 (!Flee, !Check, !Calm, !Control, !Gaia, !Black L2, !Time L3, !Summon L2, Cover, Learning, Find Passages, Find Pits)

Next time: Shifting sands and getting the airship!

I didn't know rock enemies were insta-killed with Gold Needles.

As for Jobs:

Bartz - Ninja
Lenna - Ranger
Galuf - Bard
Faris - Beastmaster

Lenna - bard. I just like the Heidi dress, okay?
Faris - Ranger
Bartz - Ninja!

At the very least, it couldn't hurt.

That song is even crazier with visuals.

I always found it amusing if you landed there, you could fight basic Goblins.

Make Bartz a Bard just long enough to learn sing so he can be a true Bard-Ninja.

Bardja.

Maybe he'll actually learn how to sing properly and stop torturing everyone else in the party too.

The only problem there is that "just long enough to learn !Sing" means "mastering the Bard class", which takes a good 175 ABP. Even with 5 ABP per Skull Eater, that's still a lot of grinding. So I think Bartz is doomed to be a horrible singer for a while yet...

But you're totally going to master the Ninja class, right... right?