Enter the Squared Circle: Let's Play Saturday Night Slammasters!

Simian: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to CWA Crash Carnival, live from the Coliseum in Los Angeles! I'm Simian Rainstorm, and joining me, as always, is Robby "The Noggin" Heehaw!

Robby: That's right, Rainstorm, and tonight we'll see El Stingray, the fighting champion's very first title defense against the big stupid Russian, Biff Slamkovich!

Simian: Indeed we will, Noggin. The BWA's been chased out of here, at least for now, and that title will only be defended against CWA wrestlers from now on! Let's head down to the lockerroom for some pre-match comments!



Robby: It's like deja vu! Do these guys ever say anything different?*

Simian: They're catch phrases, Noggin. You need something to put on a t-shirt! But enough about that, let's get down to ringside for our introductions, courtesy of Harold Stinkel.

*Actually, yes. When playing tag matches, the pre-match, win and loss quotes are different.



Harold: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is for the CWA World Heavyweight Championship! Now approaching the ring, weighing in tonight at 163 pounds, he hails from Acapulco, Mexico... the World Heavyweight Champion: EL SSSSSSSSSSTINGRAY!!!

Crowd: YAYYYYY!!!



Harold: And his opponent, hailing from Kiev, Russia, he weighs in tonight at 264 pounds... the challenger: BIFF SLAMKOOOOOOOOOVICH!!!



Simian: And the champ's not even waiting for the bell, he's right on Slamkovich with a pair of swift kicks!

Robby: That's right! Sometimes that's what you have to do, be aggressive. Especially when you're as outweighed as Stingray is here.



Simian: Another kick, and he makes some room, perhaps looking to end this one early with a Jalapeno Comet?

Simian: My goodness, he was dropkicked right out of the air! And that's why they call it "high risk," Noggin!

Robby: Absolutely, Rainstorm. And that may not have been the best tack to take, but the big, goofy Russian is only delaying the inevitable!



Simian: Both men back to their feet, and a kick to the gut from the luchador!



Robby: And look at the agility! He flips right over the big goon!




Simian: Now hitting the ropes! He's discombobulated the big man!

Robby: What a flying headbutt! He's not resting on his laurels, being champion! He's defending the first week after winning it, and he's fighting just as hard as ever!

Simian: Now putting the boots to him.

Robby: That's right, and he can't let up. When you're in there with someone that much bigger than you, staying on top of him is key!



Simian: Brings the big man back to his feet, and sends him in with an Irish whip...



Simian: Full head of steam! What a cartwheel attack!



Simian: And Biff's eating canvas! Stingray looking at the crowd, he knows what they want to see!

Robby: I don't think he should care what these ham 'n' eggers think. He needs to focus on the Russian, Rainstorm!



Simian: He heads up top, and this crowd is going bananas!

Crowd: YAYYYYYY!!!

Robby: You, see, though! Slamkovich is back on his feet, and headed to the buckle!

Simian: But he misses with a kick!

Simian: WHAT A MOONSAULT!



Robby: He got lucky, Rainstorm. He's making mistakes, now that he cares about these people.

Simian: I don't know about that, Noggin. Now stomping away at the big Ruskie!



Simian: Hitting the ropes! He's trying to time something here, perhaps a shining wizard?



Simian: No, it's a shoulder tackle, but the big man is too big, and neither man goes down! But now Slamkovich has Stingray in his grasp, and that's the last place he wants to be!



Simian: Got him cinched up, annnnd... a big vertical suplex!

Robby: What did I tell you, Rainstorm! He appeals to these chuckleheads in the crowd, and he gets punished for it!

Simian: Now stalking the Mexican star...

Robby: You know, maybe I was wrong about this Cossack. He's starting to show a mean streak I kind of respect.

Simian: Will you stop?



Simian: He brings the smaller man to his feet, but he's just to fast, he gets away, creating some distance, and...



Simian: Jalapeno Comet!

Robby: But he missed! He's gone soft, in the heart and the head, and he missed the Comet!



Simian: But wait a second, a turn and a springboard from the ropes! HE GOT ALL OF THAT ONE ON THE RETURN TRIP!



Simian: Now taking to the air with a senton!

Simian: And he got all of that one! This may be the end for the big Russian!

Robby: Don't count on it, Rainstorm! Look at how fast Slamkovich is back up and around!



Robby: And he's got him up and down again with a suplex!




Robby: And stalking little Chico, here.

Simian: Oh, quit it! I thought he was your man!

Robby: He was, until he started appealing to these humanoids!

Simian: A kick from the big man! And both men matching kicks!



Simian: Now on equal footing, feeling each other out...

Robby: And there's the mean streak! Rushing in with a lariat!

Simian: Stops himself with the ropes. Now what?




Simian: And a Head Rocker! That's Slamkovich's finishing hold!

Robby: That's right, we've got a new champ! Sorry your reign was so short, just like the rest of you, Stingray!



Simian: Now putting the boots to him, not sure if that's wise.

Robby: PIN HIM!



Simian: Still having the wherewithal to slide out of the ring before getting pinned!

Robby: A mistake to go out there with the big man, and the big Russian's giving chase!

Simian: And he walks right into a spinning kick! The technico getting a full head of steam!



Simian: And he runs headlong into a big boot, but it doesn't take him off his feet! Let's remember how much resiliancy and experience outside the ring Stingray has! Another head of steam! And a tumbling kick on the outside!



Simian: And he's following up...

Robby: THIS MAN IS A COWARD! This is unbelievable! This isn't a tournament anymore, if he gets counted out, he keeps the title! He's just fighting dirty now!

Simian: You didn't seem to mind it during the tournament.

Robby: That was different, he wasn't gutless then!



Simian: What a suplex on the outside!

Robby: This isn't fair! The ref should be counting faster!

Simian: Harry Hicks applying the count at the same speed he always does and you know it! He came outside the ring to regain his bearings, Slamkovich didn't have to follow. It's smart wrestling on the part of Stingray.

Simian: And just putting the boots to Slamkovich!

Robby: Disqualify him, ref!

Simian: Title doesn't change hands on a DQ, Noggin, you know that!

Robby: But in this case, the Championship Committee would have to grant a rematch!

Simian: Why?

Robby: Because! He fights like a dirty Mexican!

Simian: Oh, knock it off.



Simian: The big man finds his way back into the ring. The smaller man weighs his options.



Simian: Slamkovich swings wildly with a kick, but the nimble luchador swings around it, and into the ring! I'm not sure Biff knows where he's at, Noggin. That suplex outside took a lot out of him.

Robby: SHUT UP! He knows exactly where he is, the filthiest city in the world, Los Angeles!



Simian: The Stinger gets behind, and a big backdrop driver! Right on that external occipital protuberance!

Simian: And I think that's all for this one, Noggin.



Robby: NO! NO! NO!



Crowd: 1... 2... 3! YAYYYYYYYYY!!!



Simian: And a successful first defense for El Stingray!



Robby: He cheated! He's a cheat! He probably has a metal plate in his mask!

Simian: The ref checked it, and you know it. He won, fair and square! Let's go to the Stink for the official announcements.

Harold: Ladies and gentlemen... the winner of the match, as a result of a pinfall... and STILL CWA World Heavyweight Champion: EL SSSSSTINGRAY!!!

Crowd: YAYYYYYYYYY!!!


Look at that score go higher and higher!

Simian: Let's take this down to the lockerroom for post-match comments!



Robby: That's right, Zangief knows it!

Simian: What an exciting match! That's all the time we have for this week! Join us next week, when El Stingray will defend his title against King Rasta Mon! For Robby Heehaw, I'm Simian Rainstorm, goodnight everyone!

PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION PAID FOR BY THE FOLLOWING:

That last match kind of left me speechless. Love the banter though...

I was trying really hard to forget that match, but now that you mentioned it, I think I might have to watch it, since I have the Rumble box set.

Also, Roderick Strong: Kinda overrated. But less overrated than Davey Richards.

Speechless in a good way? Or was there something about it you didn't like?

Don't worry it's the good kind!

I'm glad to have been given a second opportunity to show off how silly Slamkovich's entrance garb is.





A man who doesn't know how to dress himself doesn't deserve the belt.

You got that right!

It's not fun, and then you get the uncomfortable feeling of knowing that Angle / Benoit - the best match of the 00s - is on next. And you have to balance watching it and knowing you're watching it, if that makes any sense.

I dug Strong when he was Aries' tag partner, but he's not really a singles guy, and certainly isn't enough of one to ever do anything outside ROH.

Simian: Hello, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to CWA Crash Carnival! This week we are coming to you live from Tijuana, Mexico and this capacity crowd is jam-packed to the rafters! They are excited for our main event, in which their countryman, the World Champion El Stingray will defend his title against King Rasta Mon! I'm Simian Rainstorm, and joining me, as always, is my broadcast partner Robby "The Noggin" Heehaw!

Robby: That's right, Rainstorm, and I'm excited to watch all these taco eaters see their fellow burrito head lose the title to the King!



Simian: Well, Noggin, if you're Rasta, what's your strategy here?

Robby: It's simply to overpower him. We know Rasta's not necessarily smart, but he's vicious. And he needs to use that viciousness to his advantage. The fans seem to like him some of the time, but he's got a mean streak. He can't cater to the fans like the ugly guy in the mask, he's got to attack, attack, attack.

Simian: Absolutely, but he's got a tough road ahead of him, and against a clearly partisan crowd. Let's go to the lockerroom for pre-match interviews!



Simian: We've seen that bite many times, and it's been used to great effect.

Robby: And it's illegal, but I hope he gets away with it tonight, I hope he chews the mask right off the face of Stingray!

Simian: And he just may, at that! Now let's go down to Harold Stinkel for our ring introductions!



Harold: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it is for the CWA World Heavyweight Championship! Coming down the aisle, he weighs in at 163 pounds, from Acapulco, Mexico, he is the World Heavyweight Champion: EL SSSSSSSSSSSTINGRAY!!!

Crowd: YAYYYYYYYYYY!!!

Simian: And the crowd is really behind the Stinger tonight!



Harold: And his opponent... from Venice Beach, California, weighing in at 331 pounds, the challenger: KING RRRRRRRRRRASTA MON!!!



Simian: The bell is gone and our main event is under way in Tijuana!



Simian: Both men feeling each other out in the beginning... Rasta swings with a boot, and Stingray jumps out of the way.



Simian: These men trade punches, and El Stingray realizing he maybe can't go punch for punch with the King!

Robby: That's him showing off his smarts, he can't, Rainstorm. And he's leaping back to create space. Smart wrestling. Even if I hate him.

Simian: But when he comes down the big man is waiting for him, and gets him in a grapple!

Robby: That's also smart. It's possible we've been underestimating this man just because he has a pet monkey!

Simian: Sending the luchador for the ride!



Simian: And what a boot to the face! But not enough to knock the Stinger off his feet!

Robby: But you know he felt it, Rainstorm.



Simian: But he answers with two kicks of his own, right to the breadbasket!

Robby: Maybe, but it'll take more than that to phase the King!



Simian: Swinging with another kick and misses! And both men meet with kicks, but neither connects!

Robby: The King isn't going to win with kicks, Rainstorm. He needs to get ahold of Chico. That's his key to victory here. Grab him and don't let go!



Simian: Rasta charges in! But the more agile man is up on the top and out of the way! And that, Noggin, is how I think the mean streak could work against him.

Robby: Well, you can use the mean streak while keeping your head. Wait to lose control until you have the other man incapacitated.

Simian: The big man goes to kick Stingray off the turnbuckle, but the Stinger is too fast and he's airborne! WHAT A MOONSAULT!

Robby: NO! It'll take more than that!



Simian: Stingray flipping over the big man to maybe go to work on the head and neck.

Robby: That's smart wrestling. This man is big and muscular. Body shots have little effect, gotta go after the head!



Simian: The big man is pretty quick to his feet.

Robby: He stomped on his foot! That's just dirty, Rainstorm! Ref, disqualify him! Do something!

Simian: Nothing illegal about that, and he follows up with a right hand!



Robby: Oh, ho ho ho! But I think all he did was make this beast angry. And he's got ahold of him! Just like I said!

Simian: Sending him for the ride!



Simian: He hits the turnbuckle, but it doesn't take him out of it, as I think the King hoped it would. Now the King comes in with a full head of steam!

Simian: What a cartwheel attack out of nowhere!

Robby:No, no! You've got to grab him and slam him, you goof! Stop throwing him in, he's faster, he's more dexterious than you!



Simian: Going for a corkscrew kick on the downed man, but he sits right up! A good move, but Stingray is stalking Rasta!

Robby: Turn around, you ham 'n' egger!



Simian: Ties him up, and throws him in! What does he have in mind?

Robby: Nothing good, again, using his smarts against an unfortunately dumb opponent!



Simian: Full head of steam!



Simian: HUGE BACK BODYDROP! My goodness, what upper body strength!

Robby: He threw him all the way across the ring! GET UP, YOU IDIOT!

Simian: And this time he hits the corkscrew kick on the downed man! Directly to the back of the head!

Robby: Again, that's a good move. As much as I want to see the masked moron lose his title, I'm starting to wonder if the difference in intelligence here isn't too much for the King to overcome.



Simian: El Stingray just stomping a mudhole in Rasta Mon.

Robby: He is, but the King is struggling to his feet.



Robby: HE STEPPED ON HIS FOOT AGAIN! REF! DO YOUR JOB!

Simian: Now going for a grapple.



Robby: HE'S GOT JUNGLE FEVER!!! That's one of his big signature moves! He freaked out! I bet El Stingray said something mean about his monkey!



Simian: Follows it up by sending him in at short range!

Simian: A boot to the face staggers the technico, but he answers with one of his signature kicks!



Simian: And he's up top, and in the air again!

Robby: He may be getting greedy, Rainstorm! There's a risk there!



Simian: Another moonsault! And what a dismount, he lands clean!

Robby: I guess I underestimated how dumb this humanoid is.



Simian: And he follows up with a senton, and this crowd is 100% behind their countryman!

Crowd: YAYYYYY!!!



Simian: And he's following the King, waiting for him to stand up... he's got him in a rear waistlock!

Simian: BACKDROP DRIVER! That does some damage!

Robby: I can't believe my eyes. This is sad, really.



Simian: He leaps over, keeping the big man disoriented.

Robby: Well, it clearly isn't hard. This man is a dope.



Simian: Oh, but Rasta grabs him! A big lick! We know what's next!

Robby: YES! YES! YES! CHEW THE MASK OFF! SHOW HIS UGLY FACE!

Simian: And he tosses him away after several bites. Referee not applying the count there. Not sure if I agree.

Robby: It's a title match! These people don't want to see a DQ, they want a contest!

Simian: So says the man who was calling for DQs on foot stomps.

Robby: That wasn't me, that was you!

Simian: Will you stop!



Simian: Big man wasting time, here.

Robby: Absolutely. STAY ON HIM, GOOFBALL!

Simian: Following him and... the luchador is up in a flash and has him in a front chancery! Big suplex! What strength!

Robby: No, you moron! You walked right into it!



Simian: And El Stingray wasting no time in bringing the King to his feet...



Simian: Sending him in... he looks like a man with a plan.

Robby: Which is exactly what Rasta isn't.

Simian: What a Jalapeno Comet, and he seemlessly follows up with a springboard moonsault into a pin!

Robby: NO! How did he do that?



Crowd: Uno... Dos... Tres!!! YAY!!!!!!!

Simian: What a victory here in his home country! Let's go to The Stink for the official announcements!



Harold: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this match, as the result of a pinfall... AND STILL World Heavyweight Champion: EL SSSSSSTINGRAY!!!

Crowd: YAYYYYYYY!!!


Look at that score climb. Eleven crowns. The Stinger is on a roll!

Simian: What a match!

Robby: Just proves how stupid that ape from Venice Beach really is.

Simian: Let's go back to the lockerroom for post-match comments!



Robby: I'm speechless.

Simian: That's a first.

Robby: I don't need to hear it from you, Rainstorm. But forget about that, I've got a big surprise for you and all the humanoids next week! And it pertains to our Champion, so you won't want to miss it.

Simian: Well, we're out of time, so myself and all the fans will anxiously await it next week here on Crash Carnival! For Robby Heehaw, I'm Simian Rainstorm, goodnight everyone!

PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION PAID FOR BY THE FOLLOWING:

Just once I want a fighting game to trace out a pentragram on the map screen.

What, no WM-V-esque rant about how shameful it is that the champion's introduced first?

Simian: Thank you for joining us here tonight, ladies and gentlemen, this is CWA Crash Carnival and they are hanging from the rafters tonight here in Sydney to see Mike Haggar get his rematch against El Stingray! My broadcast partner, Robby Heehaw is not at ringside with me, he has promised a special surprise tonight, so we take you now back to him in the lockerroom area!



Robby: Thanks, Rainstorm. Well, I'll tell you people something, I've got a very special guest with me now, and he's got something to say to all of you humanoids and especially to that Mexican who's so ugly he wears a mask. Yeah, I'm talking to you, El Stingray. My guest at this time is none other than "Macho" Mike Haggar!



Simian: Unbelievable! What is this man doing with you, Noggin?

Robby: He's got a grievance to air, Rainstorm! And being the broadcast journalist par excellance that I am, I'm giving him a platform to air it. Tell 'em, Mike.

Haggar: First things first, you people need to shut up while I'm talkin'.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Haggar: Let me tell you somethin', Robby Heehaw, these people, these maggots here in Sydney, the make me sick. Because these pukes have embraced El Stingray after what he did to me during the title tournament. He busted a table over my head. He got a cheap, cowardly count-out victory. HE EMBARRASSED ME!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Haggar: And as soon as he won the title, these pukes, these fair weather fans, they started cheering for him. Well what about me?! What about Mike Haggar? I was the favorite to win that tournament, and I had to wait for two other guys to get title shots before I got mine. Well, let me tell you something, Stingray. I got my shot tonight, and I'm not just gonna beat you, I'm gonna embarrass you worse than you embarrassed me. I'm gonna put you on the shelf, so you'll have plenty of time to watch me on TV wearing the CWA Title. I hope you're ready!

Robby: Ladies and gentlemen, the next CWA Champion: MIKE HAGGAR!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Simian: Well, this is unconscionable, ladies and gentlemen, I apologize. I don't know what's gotten into Mike Haggar, but in light of his behavior here tonight, I hope El Stingray takes him to task. And they're telling me now that the Mexican superstar has some words for Mr. Haggar, we take you now to backstage correspondent, Shawn Sunny!



Shawn: I'm here with World Heavyweight Champion El Stingray. Stinger, you just heard the words of Mike Haggar, what are your thoughts?

El Stingray: My thoughts, Shawn? I'll tell you my thoughts. I was all ready to have a classic match with Mike Haggar. I'm sorry for what I did during the tournament, but when that title's on the line, you do what you have to. Mike Haggar knows that, but he's a sore loser. Now, I'm ready to wrestle, but it seems like Mike wants to fight. Well, Haggar, if you want to fight, you're welcome to it, because I can adapt. I can brawl with you or I can show you the best scientific wrestling in the world. And if you thought our last meeting ended on an embarrassing note, just wait until tonight's match. I'm gonna show these fans in Austrailia something they've never seen from me. And then... I'm gonna--

Crowd: HAVE A DATE WITH YOUR SISTER!!! YAYYYYY!!!

El Stingray: That's right. See you in the ring, Mike.

Shawn: Ladies and gentlemen, the World Champion!



Simian: I'm rejoined at this time by my partner, Robby "The Noggin" Heehaw. What is the matter with you?

Robby: No, Rainstorm, what is wrong with El Stingray? He's going to get what's coming to him tonight!

Simian: Unbelievable. Let's go to Harold Stinkel for our ring introductions!



Harold: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is for the CWA World Heavyweight Championship! Now approaching the ring, weighing in at 163 pounds, hailing from Acapulco, Mexico... your World Heavyweight Champion: EL SSSSSSSSSSTINGRAY!!!



Harold: And his opponent, the challenger, he weighs in tonight at 309 pounds from Metro City... "MACHO" MIKE HAAAAAAAAAAAAGAR!!!

Crowd: BOOOOOOO!!!



Simian: The bell is gone, and our main event is underway!

Simian: And Stingray maintaining his distance while peppering Haggar with kicks. And that's got to be his strategy, he can't let Haggar start throwing him around.

Robby: Absolutely, Rainstorm. He's got a big time problem if Haggar grabs him. And I hope he does.

Simian: Can I ask you something? Why do you hate El Stingray so much?

Robby: He's lost his guts. He's more concerned about what these ham 'n' eggers in the audience think than being ruthless. And I just want him to learn his lesson.

Simian: You're disgusting, you know that?



Simian: Oh my! A corkscrew kick right to the mush! And a big left hand to follow up!

Robby: But now he's close to him!



Simian: Indeed, and it gets him caught in the grip of the big man. He goes for the ride!



Simian: Haggar in, now with a full head of steam...