Enter the Squared Circle: Let's Play Saturday Night Slammasters!

I like how the King pauses before his "mon," like he has to remind himself to add on the verbal tic for the sake of his persona.

I presume he's the inspiration for Kofi Kingston's "Jamaican" character.

I don't usually read LPs. I just caught up on this thread.

It's amazing.

What an odd little move. It's so unintuitive.

You speak too highly of me, but thanks.

Not if you're a LUCHADOR!

Spoilers: he doesn't actually float over, but there's no screen of me standing and covering him and it looks really awkward and describes even moreso.

Simian: Good evening everyone, welcome to another thrill-packed installment of CWA Crash Carnival! My name is Simian Rainstorm, and with me, as always, is Robby "The Noggin" Heehaw!

Robby: That's right, Rainstorm, and we're here in Sydney tonight, and in the main event, the next round of the Crash Carnival title tournament will see "Macho" Mike Haggar take on my man, my favorite to win the title, El Stingray!

Simian: Absolutely, Noggin. We're here at the Sydney Superdome, and they are jam packed and hanging from the rafters in anticipation!



Simian: You know, I have to admit, El Stingray has impressed me so far, but can the cunning rudo use his speed to beat the much more powerful Mike Haggar?

Robby: He not only can, he will, Rainstorm. Everybody love Mike Haggar, but let me tell you something, I don't. I can only hope he get's embarrassed by the Stinger.

Simian: The only reason you don't like Haggar is because he put you in that ferret suit.

Robby: I thought we agreed we weren't going to mention that anymore.

Simian: But it had claws and everything! Be that as it may, though, let's go to the locker room for some pre-match interviews.



Robby: The problem with that is that El Stingray is just too fast for Haggar to grab him. Not to mention greasy.

Simian: Will you stop?

Robby: What? I mean, because he oils himself up before his matches.

Simian: Let's go down to Harold Stinkle for our ring introductions. Stink?

Harold: The following match is schduled for one fall, and is part of the Crash Carnival World Heavyweight Title Tournament.



Harold: Coming down the aisle, weighing in at 165 pounds, hailing from Acapulco, Mexico... EL SSSSSSSSSTINGRAY!



Harold: And his opponent, hailing from Metro City, he weighs in at 309 pounds... MIKE HAGGAR!



Simian: The bell is gone and this one is underway!



Simian: The big man starts by hitting the ropes.

Robby: What's he doing?

Simian: Maybe trying to show that he's faster than the Stinger might think he is.

Simian: Both men going to attack at the same time, both men now on the canvas. Now, Noggin, if you're El Stingray, what's your strategy here? Haggar is clearly the stronger man.

Robby: Cheat.

Simian: Come on now.

Robby: I'm serious, cheat and be faster than the big man. But, you know, Haggar has that one suspender, El Stingray could easily choke him with it.



Simian: Both men back to their feet, both trying another attack, leg lariat vs. arm lariat!



Simian: And the more powerful Haggar coming out on top on this one.



Simian: And as the luchador reaches his feet, a big right hand from Haggar! But the smaller man answers with two quick kicks!

Robby: That's right! Use your speed, don't get caught on the ropes!



Simian: I'm not sure how much effect those kicks are having, Noggin. Looks like Haggar's just getting upset.

Robby: Nonsense, Rainstorm. He's just putting up a facade. They're effective, alright! And he adds two more!

Simian: I don't think so, Noggin. Stingray's circling, and look at the rage on the face of the big man! I wouldn't want to be in there with him!

Robby: It's all an act, I tell ya!



Simian: Oh, and a swift kick to the leg brings down the big man, and he rolls to the outside.

Robby: He's a coward! He's afraid! Go after him, Stinger!

Simian: Looks like he's on his way!



Robby: What a graceful vault! Right on top of Haggar!

Simian: The big man was taking a breather, and a bit of a Pearl Harbor job by the luchador.

Robby: Nonsense. There're no time-outs in wrestling, Rainstorm.

Simian: I'm not sure I agree with that, Noggin. And the referee begins applying the count.



Simian: Haggar's got him and-- no, the luchador breaks free and delivers one of his signature corkscrew kicks!



Simian: Another attempt, and the luchador uses his leverage to throw off the grip of the larger man!



Simian: That shove too the big man off balance, and he trips over that table!

Robby: YES! YES! Now pick it up and give him what for!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Simian: Oh, this is disgusting. He can't beat Haggar fair and square, so he's going to resort to using a foreign object!

Robby: That's right, and the ref has no control out there, it's no man's land, anything goes!



Crowd: HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Robby: HE BROKE THE TABLE OVER HAGGAR'S MELON HEAD! THIS IS THE GREATEST MATCH I'VE EVER SEEN!

Simian: Will you quit it, this is a man's livelihood, here. Not just a title.

Robby: He knew what he was getting into! This is great!



Robby: He's got him hooked! What's next! Tiger driver on the cement floor? The suspense is killing me, Rainstorm!

Simian: I can't watch.


The count in most wrestling videogames goes to 20, despite the fact that in American pro wrestling, you have a ten count to re-enter the ring. The reason is because most wrestling videogames are made in Japan, and they use the 20 count in Japan. Really, it doesn't matter, since the ref is going to count slower or faster depending on if the finish is a count out or not.

Robby: BUTTERFLY SUPLEX ON THE OUTSIDE! And the ref is at 17, there's no way Haggar beats the count!

Simian: Vicious. Drops him on the neck and shoulders, could end the man's career.



Crowd: 18... 19... 20! BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Robby: And he re-enters the ring just as gracefully as he exited it, and gets the win!

Simian: Deplorable. Absolutely disgusting.

Robby: What did I tell you? And in this tournament, a count out advances!

Simian: Let's go to The Stink for the official announcements.

Our score tallies, and we move on! Notice a count out is worth many fewer points that a pin, but the time and vitality bonuses make up for it.

Harold: The winner of this match, as a result of a count out... EL SSSSSSSTINGRAY!

Crowd: Boooooooo!

Simian: Let's go back for post-match comments. I'll be surprised if Haggar can make any.



Simian: I suspect this isn't over between these two men.

Robby: Maybe not, Rainstorm, but only one of them is moving on in the tournament!

Simian: Well, you've got me there. Join us next week folks as we come from the legendary Big Egg, the Tokyo Dome, for the next round in the Crash Carnival tournament! See you then!

PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION PAID FOR BY THE FOLLOWING:

Well, there's always a career in politics.

loving the commentary on this! Nice tablework too...

I have no real commentary on this installment other than to say that Royal Rumble has the best top-to-bottom roster ever in a wrestling game (Tatanka and Crush being the only real stiffs; Flair, Luger, Yoko, Savage, Shawn, Bret and Taker were all world champs, Perfect and DiBiase were technically world champs, and Razor was only part of one of the biggest angles ever)

I wasn't aware Razor had an angle other than being hairy and wearing only a vest with underpants.

I heard once that Scott Hall sold his Razor Ramon character to the bookers by acting like Al Pacino in Scarface. Apparently they thought it was brilliant.

From what I've heard, they hadn't seen Scarface, so they thought he was even more brilliant.

But who could argue with this?

I don't like pro wrestling at all, but this is BRILLIANT.

I was referring to him being the guy who kicked off the nWo angle more than anything else, but, yeah, the early Razor character was pretty much just a Scarface ripoff.

Certainly better than whatever the hell he was supposed to be in WCW as the Diamond Studd, who was virtually identical in the ring but had nothing outside it.

Okay, is this a reference to a particular moment in wrestling history? Because if it didn't happen, it really should have.

Alternately, was there ever a game where Mike Haggar stuffed someone into an animal suit? Once again, if it didn't happen, it really should have.

Yeah, it's just too bad the game kind of sucks. As do all of Acclaim's pre-Playstation WWF games.

In my hometown, actually.

These are the best comments. Thank you.

Aside from the all-encompassing majesty of Hulk Hogan, I was only peripherally aware of wrestling when games like these were coming out. I was only made to take notice when the Attitude Era was well underway, and the whole thing turned me off so much that I aggressively ignored it until it fell out of the limelight. Now I'm ever thankful to guys like Shake, Sven, and Chris Sims, plus YouTube, for helping me look back on the time when the whole affair looked like neon pink and green fun.


The worst indignity Haggar ever had to suffer was probably his midlife crisis ponytail in Final Fight 3.

Simian: Hello, ladies & gentlemen, welcome to another thrill-packed episode of CWA Crash Carnival, coming to you this week from the legendary Tokyo Dome!



Simian: This crowd is going bananas in anticipation of our main event tonight, when former tag team partners collide! In the next round of our Crash Carnival World Heavyweight Title Tournament, in his home country, The Great Oni will take on Mexican superstar, El Stingray! I'm Simian Rainstorm, and with me as always is Robby "The Noggin" Heehaw.

Robby: That's right, and I am excited. I can barely contain myself, because tonight, in Tokyo, El Stingray is going to embarrass the hometown hero. It's Oni's fault that their tag team fell apart, and El Stingray is finally going to get his revenge!

Simian: Let's go to the lockerroom for pre-match interviews.



Robby: What technique is that? Nothing that El Stingray doesn't already know, that's for sure. When they were tag partners, El Stingray taught Oni everything he knows, but he didn't teach him everything El Stingray knows.

Simian: You know that's not true, Noggin! Oni was trained here in Japan and had been all over the world before partnering with Stingray.

Robby: But was he any good? No. El Stingray carried him the entire time they were partners.

Simian: Will you stop? Now down to Harold Stinkle for our ring introductions.



Harold: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is part of the Crash Carnival World Heavyweight Championship Tournament! Now approaching the ring, from Acapulco, Mexico, weighing in at 163 pounds... EL SSSSSSSSSSTINGRAY!



Harold: And his opponent, hailing from Osaka, Japan, he weighs in tonight at 221 pounds... THE GRRRRRRRREAT OOOOOONI!

Crowd: *GOING BANANAS*



Simian: Alright, we're set for action. The bell is gone, and we're underway! Sure to see some high flying action here, Noggin.

Robby: That's right, Rainstorm. You know, Oni has the slight weight advantage, but Stingray has the smarts advantage. The looks advantage, too!

Simian: Well, I'm not sure about either of those, but he certainly has the quickness advantage, but it's a marginal one.



Simian: Alright! We get some high flying right off the bat! Oni with shades of Contra guys with that tuck, and a flying kick.

Robby: But the Stinger twists out of the way!

Simian: And one of those signature quick kicks from Stingray!



Simian: Oni goes for a mule kick, and is met with another of El Stingray's quick kicks!



Simian: Oni with a quick Irish whip!



Simian: A stinging knifedge chop!

Crowd: WOO!



Simian: Now Oni charges in!

Robby: And a back bodydrop from the Stinger! Right into the ropes, and he's flat on his stupid, painted face!



Simian: He's going up top, Noggin!

Robby: And we'll see some great high flying right here!

Simian: And a kick from Great Oni puts Stingray back on the canvas!

Robby: That's cheating! Do your job, ref! You can't just kick a man off the top turnbuckle like that!

Simian: And he's back to his feet, what now!



Robby: Oh, he got him! High flying corkscrew kick! Yes!

Simian: And he's backing off... what does he have in mind here?



Simian: Stingray with a full head of steam, here.



Robby: A big, flying headbutt! Yes! I'm tellin' ya, Rainstorm, El Stingray is gonna win this whole thing with moves like that!

Simian: That may be, but he shouldn't count his chickens yet.



Simian: Big springboard senton from El Stingray, but no water in the pool! And that's what he's gotta look out for. He can't spend too much time hot dogging like that.



Simian: And Oni retakes control, goes to grapple with him.

Robby: But he breaks it up!

Simian: Oh, and a kitchen sink kneelift!

Robby: He's back to his feet, Rainstorm. Oni needs to follow up, if he has any chance of winning here. But, I mean, he doesn't.

Simian: Oni charging in! He's following up, Noggin!




Robby: Another back body drop! This Oni, he's like most Japanese, he's not too smart.

Simian: That isn't true on any count, and you know it! Looking for another senton, nobody home! Both men going to the well once too often!



Robby: What a masterful vertical suplex! What technique from this luchador!

Simian: And going upstairs once again.



Robby: Look at that, showing off to all his adoring fans!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOO!

Simian: Oni jumping up to meet him!

Robby: DID YOU SEE THAT?!

Simian: My goodness, he dropkicked Oni right out of the air!

Robby: Then backflipped and landed square on his feet! I think he's part cat, Rainstorm!



Simian: He follows up by getting a big running start, looking to time this with Oni getting back to his feet.

Robby: Looking for another headbutt!



Robby: And he got all of that one! Oh, yeah, Rainstorm, I can smell it! This one is over!



Simian: The luchador gets this man back to his feet, and hits another big suplex! Dropping Oni right on that external occipital protuberance, there. Not good for Oni.



Robby: Oh, and he's got something diabolical in mind, I'm sure of it. Look at Oni, he's on dream street for sure.



Simian: Oh, no! Looks like the big Oriental man was playing possum! What now?

Robby: NO, NO, NO!

Simian: WHAT A BULLDOG! That could be curtains for the luchador, that's one of Oni's big signature moves!

Robby: No! Ref, he was choking him in that bulldog! Disqualify him!



Robby: And that's a dirty kick to the ribs! Who kicks a man while he's down?

Simian: You don't seem to have a problem when Stingray does it.

Robby: That's different. He does it with class. But forget about that, look at Oni clutching his ribs, he can't capitalize!



Simian: Misses with a flying kick...




Robby: JALAPENO COMET! IT'S ALL OVER BUT THE SCREAMING!!!

Robby: PIN HIM! YES! YES! YES!



Crowd: 1... 2... 3!* BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Simian: And the rudo gets the duke again.

Robby: He's one step closer, Rainstorm. One step closer!

Simian: Let's go to The Stink for our official results.

*Yes, this is Japan, but I'm being completely honest when I tell you that Japanese wrestling referees & crowds count in English for some reason.



Harold: The winner of this match, moving on in the Crash Carnival Tournament... EL SSSSSSSSSSTINGRAY!


Our score tallies, we get another crown, and move on.

Simian: Let's go back for post match interviews.



Robby: Well, we certainly saw who was the better tag team partner tonight! And Oni can make all the Chinese excuses he wants, it won't get him to the next round of the tournament!

Simian: He's Japanese, and you know it! Well, folks, join us next week from Moscow, as we continue the tournament! For Robby Heehaw, I'm Simian Rainstorm, good night from Tokyo!

PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION PAID FOR BY THE FOLLOWING:

Oh man.

I LOVED The Bushwhackers. I remember one promo where they went to the White House and licked Socks the cat.