Enter the Squared Circle: Let's Play Saturday Night Slammasters!

Simian: And a big senton from a big Kentuckian!




Robby: YES! Did you see that, he's up in the blink of an eye and he monkey flips the big mouth breather!

Simian: Using the quickness there is El Stingray, and that is a truly impressive monkey flip on a man twice his size.



Robby: And now he's got the equalizer! He told me this match would have a definitive end, and he's about to put his money where his mouth is!

Simian: You just said using the chair would be cowardly if Grater did it!

Robby: I told you, he's the bigger man, he doesn't need it, but the smaller man does!



Simian: He just walloped Alexander with that chair, Noggin, but the big man doesn't seem too concerned.

Robby: What a blazing fast Jalapeno Comet! Looks like Gomer Pyle there is down and out. And now Stinger's got the chair again!



Robby: HE BROKE THE CHAIR OVER HIS PRONE BODY! THIS IS AS DEFINITIVE AS IT GETS, SIMIAN RAINSTORM!

Simian: I would disagree there, Noggin.



Simian: And the big man is on queer street, he doesn't know where he's at, he'll never get back in the ring!

Crowd: 18... 19... 20! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Simian: It's all over, and that's hardly definitive. He stole another one.



Robby: What do you mean, Rainstorm? He took a man twice his size apart, piece by piece. That is a definitive victory, and the Championship Committee has upheld that count outs do count as wins in this tournament! Just like I said, he outsmarted Grater. Not that that's hard to do.

Simian: Let's get the official word from The Stink at ringside.



Harold: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner, as a result of a count out, and moving on to the finals of the CWA Crash Carnival World Heavyweight Title Tournament... EL SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTINGRAY!!!!!!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Simian: Well, he got the duke, by hook or by crook, and he is going to the finals.


Look at that sweet score tally! And on to the next one!

Simian: Let's head back to the locker room for post-match comments.

Robby: Oh, Rainstorm, look at that. He's got his arm in a sling already, that chair did a number on Grater. I guess now he's Alexander the Lesser. Ha ha!

Simian: Will you stop? Be sure to join us next week folks, as we bring you the finals in the Title Tournament, live from Wembley Stadium! For Robby Heehaw, I'm Simian Rainstorm, goodnight, everybody!

PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION PAID FOR BY THE FOLLOWING:

Seriously, while I want to play WWE All-Stars, it drives me crazy that it almost seems as though Capcom is letting THQ come in and dominate the wrestling video game market even more by not updating this.

Dude, nothing would please me more than if Capcom announced a downloadable Slammasters sequel/remake. I think a big problem is Hara. They probably don't want to pay him or whatever. Or maybe not. I guess we can always hope.

I'd really just like to see another wrestling game with a fictional cast (no, Fire Pro doesn't count). And not Rumble Roses. A wrestling game with dudes.

Actually, I've never played either Rumble Roses game, are they any good?

Never tried one myself, either.

And something styled like SFIV, but as Slam Masters, would be fine by me-- doesn't have to be a download. They can make up new guys, too, save for Haggar.

But more than a fictitious cast, I'd like the SF-esque moves, too.

Or maybe Haggar should be on commentary?

Slam Masters II especially makes a big deal out of "CHARACTER DESIGN: TETSUO HARA," but I've never thought he was essential to the game's appeal. I wouldn't necessarily mind a different artist if it meant more Slam Masters; I bet Shinkiro would be a decent fit.

Shinkiro is a decent fit for anything Capcom or SNK related. Or probably anything at all.

Now you've made me realize I really want something I didn't even know existed.

Is Jumbo in this version at all? He would have gotten my vote.

Simian: Hello, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to CWA Crash Carnival, coming to you live from Wembley Stadium in London! They are jam-packed and hanging from the rafters here for the final round of the Crash Carnival World Heavyweight Title Tournament! It will be Gunloc vs. El Stingray, and I anticipate it will be a match for the ages! I'm Simian Rainstorm, and with me, as always, is Robby "The Noggin" Heehaw!

Robby: That's right, Rainstorm, we're here in London, and the man I picked to win it all is on the threshold. El Stingray is going to have the gold around his waist, and I can't wait!



Simian: Tonight, Noggin, we're going to see some knock down, drag out action. What's the strategy for each man?

Robby: Well, I'll tell you, Rainstorm, if you're Gunloc, you use your power. I'm not taking anything away from him, he's a great athlete and a fine wrestler, but he's not as smart, as fast, or as good a wrestler as El Stingray. And if you're El Stingray, then you want to use that speed and that technique. If that fails, you do whatever you have to do to win the title.

Simian: Indeed. Let's go to the locker room for our pre-match interviews.



Robby: Gunloc might be locked and loaded, but he's gonna be firing blanks against the Stinger tonight.

Simian: That remains to be seen, but let's not waste any more time, we take you now to Harold Stinkle for our ring introductions!



Harold: Ladies and gentlemen... the following contest is the final match in the CWA Crash Carnival World Heavyweight Title Tournament, and as such, it is for the CWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! Heading down the aisle, weighing in at 163 pounds, from Acapulco, Mexico... the Ultra Macho Ladies' Man... EL SSSSSSSSSTINGRAY!!!!!!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!



Harold: And his opponent, from Slam Town, USA, weighing in tonight at 276 pounds... the Lucky Colt... GUNNNNLOC!!!!!!

Crowd: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!



Simian: The bell is gone, and we are under way with this World Title match!



Simian: Both men measuring each other...



Simian: Both with a head of steam!

Simian: What a collision! The irresistible force meeting the immovable object!

Robby: Wow! Looked like a Jalapeno Comet met a lariat there, but neither man got all of it. Though Gunloc looks a little worse for wear, if you ask me.



Simian: Both men down, working to get back to their feet.



Simian: Again, measuring each other, jockeying for position.

Robby: That's right, and Gunloc is wrestling smarter than I thought he would. Both of these men know what this belt means. It means being the best in the world.



Simian: Gunloc misses with a dropkick. That could cost him.



Simian: And El Stingray going upstairs now... just to taunt. He's spending too much time worrying about this crowd with that belt being on the line. And Gunloc's dropkick finds it's mark this time!



Robby: He's trying to follow up, but Stingray take a powder. And wisely, at that! See? Smarts!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Simian: Grabbing a chair, and the audience doesn't like this one bit.



Simian: What's he got in mind? Referee Harry Hicks trying to get the luchador back in the ring. And he threw the chair! Wish our cameraman could get a better look at things!*

Robby: Haha! He bounced that steel chair right off of Gunloc's ugly face!

*Seriously, when one guy is outside and one is inside, the screen adjusts horribly. I jumped, threw the chair, and hit Gunloc in the face with it.



Simian: He picks up the chair again, and tosses it into the ring. The ref needs to stop this!

Robby: He hasn't used it yet! Er... well, he hasn't used it in the ring yet!



Robby: Now back in the ring, and so is that chair! But I say the ref should let them have it out! No one wants to see the title match end on a disqualification!

Simian: And he may well do that!



Simian: And a spinning kick! Shades of Tiger Mask! He follows it up with a swift kick to the gut! Gunloc is on the ropes, folks!

Robby: And if he was smart, he'd stay there!

Simian: Now using his power, he doesn't look like a man just hit with a chair! Making Stingray think about this one while the blood rushes to his head! What does he have in mind? A suplex to the outside?



Simian: What a gourdbuster!



Robby: It was quite a move, but it left the Stinger right by that chair, and he's going for it.

Simian: And what's he got in mind?



Robby: He gonna waffle 'im with it, is what he's got in mind! And another! That chair looks in rough shape now!



Simian: Gunloc taking to the air...

Robby: And getting knocked right out of it! And that chair is useless now, for sitting or hitting!



Simian: Getting the larger man to his feet...

Simian: And showing that explosive power with a big vertical suplex!

Robby: That's gotta be almost all. I mean, all those chairshots and a suplex?!



Simian: Never underestimate Gunloc's resiliency, especially with the title at stake! He's back on his feet, and he's got the smaller man in his grasp!



Simian: Sends him in with an Irish whip, and gets a head of steam himself...



Simian: WHAT A LARIAT! Shades of Stan Hansen!



Simian: Now bringing the smaller man up, but I'm not sure he can recover from that.

Robby: Now it's my turn to remind you, Rainstorm, not to underestimate the resiliency of El Stingray. He wants that belt as bad as anybody.

Simian: You may be correct, Noggin.

Simian: And the rudo feints out of the way of a big boot and delivers a swift kick to the midsection!

Robby: And Gunloc backs off. He knows he can't underestimate the Stinger.



Simian: Going for a corkscrew kick...

Robby: And he tricked that big goon into counterattacking so he could get behind him! I told you, Rainstorm, smarts!



Simian: He's got the larger man up!

Robby: And he puts him down! What power! What a suplex!



Simian: Rolling out of the way of the luchador's stomps, back to his feet, and now he's got him again! What next!

Simian: Sends him for the ride again! Both men now hitting top speed! Another lariat?

Robby: No! He missed another dropkick as the Stinger slid under! The speed! The technique!



Robby: And he comes in with a diving headbutt!

Simian: And Gunloc looks for a big boot, but neither man connects!



Simian: But that puts Stingray in a worse position, on the canvas, and now Gunloc grabs ahold of him!



Robby: No! No! No!

Simian: Another gourdbuster! But the rudo is getting back to his feet...

Simian: What a gut shot!

Robby: Ref! That was low, do your job!

Simian: It wasn't and you know it! And you weren't complaining about the ref not doing his job when a chair was involved!



Simian: Looks like El Stingray might be looking for another Comet... but no! Gunloc's got him again, and another Irish whip.



Simian: Looking for another dropkick?



Simian: Nobody home again.



Simian: And Gunloc looking to go aerial, but he gets a trio of different kicks for his trouble. I really question that strategy. Going to the ropes, taking to the air.

Robby: Absolutely, Simian. If he wants to have a prayer of beating El Stingray, he's got to keep him grounded, and stay grounded himself.

Robby: You see? He goes to the air again, and gets another spinning kick for his troubles!



Simian: And that big boot finally finds its target! Now both men going for kicks and come up empty.



Simian: Corkscrew kick finds its mark as well, but at what cost?

Robby: That depends. If Gunloc's dumb enough to send him into the ropes again, it won't matter.



Simian: And that's exactly what he does. A risk, to be sure, Noggin.



Simian: And a second lariat! That's gotta do it for this one.

Simian: Gunloc turns Stingray over to go for the pin...

Robby: But the smart man he is, he just keeps rolling to the outside!



Simian: Gunloc goes after him! What a plancha!

Robby: But no water in the pool! And look at that box of TV equipment right there!




Simian: That's disgusting!

Robby: But you do whatever you have to do to get your hand raised!



Robby: And two gutshots for good measure! Gunloc doesn't even know where he is!

Robby: AND WHAT A JALAPENO COMET!

Simian: But he's got to get him back in the ring! The title can't change hands on a count out!

Robby: Why not? It's been the rule for the whole tournament! Gunloc's not the champ!



Robby: But it doesn't matter, Rainstorm, because he's luring Gunloc right back into the ring. And Gunloc's still on rubber leg street!




Simian: A full head of steam! And a big flying headbutt! He got all of that one!

Robby: That's just the icing on the cake, Rainstorm!

Robby: YES! YES! YES! FINALLY!



Simian: It's all over! WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION!!! Let's go to Harold Stinkle for the official word!



Harold: Ladies and gentlemen, your winner, and NEW CWA Heavyweight Champion... EL SSSSSSSSTINGRAY!!!!!!


Our score tallies, and we move on... but to what?

Voice: NOT SO FAST, Mr. Ring Announcer.

Robby: Who is that?

Simian: What's going on?



Simian: Anyone in the truck, what's going on? Who's cutting into our feed?

Robby: Look at the big screen!



Jumbo: My name is Jumbo Jack, and I've got a little surprise for all you CWA fans. You see, when Victor Ortega vacated the CWA title, it was because he was headed to Philadelphia, where the real action is! He was headed to the Blood Wrestling Association, the most violent, hardcore wrestling company in the world. And when he agreed to give the title belt back to the CWA, he made a little deal with the championship committee, and that deal was that not one, but two hand-picked BWA stars would get a chance to bring the CWA title over after the tournament. We want to take it back to Philly. And that's what I'm here to do. So, Mr. Stingray, you aren't the champion. Not yet, at least. You have to go through me and my surprise buddy first. And believe me, you don't know hardcore until you've dealt with us.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Jumbo: You English idiots can boo all you want, it doesn't change our deal. So next week, in Madison Square Garden, the world's most famous arena, in front of a worldwide TV audience, the BWA is taking that title, and there's nothing Mr. Stingray, or any of the other CWA pukes can do about it!

Simian: Unbelievable! The BWA thinks they can invade the CWA?!

Robby: Quiet, Rainstorm, El Stingray's asking for a mic.



El Stingray: You know, I might not be the most popular fellow in the CWA, but at least I'm in the CWA, and I'll bet these fans here in London, and all over the world, would love to see me teach you a lesson next week, and send you back to that bingo hall with your tail between your legs!

Crowd: YAYYYYYYYYY!!!

El Stingray: So if you haven't been paying attention, I've just beaten seven of the best the CWA has to offer, so if anyone doesn't know what they're getting into, fat boy, it's you. You wanna talk hardcore? When I was coming up, wrestling in Tijuana, I wrestled in barbed wire, I wrestled in no holds barred, falls count anywhere matches. And most recently, I put Alexander the Grater on the shelf last week after breaking his arm with a chair. So next week, in the world's most famous arena, in front of a packed house and a TV audience glued to their sets, I'm going to pummel you, hit you with a Jalapeno Comet, and have a date with your sister! Arriba!

Simian: Strong words for the BWA invaders! What a show that will be next week! I'm sorry folks, we're out of time, for Robby Heehaw, I'm Simian Rainstorm, goodnight everyone!

PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION PAID FOR BY THE FOLLOWING:

With all due respect for the fine art of screencapping on display here, reading the commentary really makes me wish we had video with actual commentary being played over it. This is great stuff.

On another note, it's been so long since I've played, I can't remember-- did Slammasters have a face/heel thing going?

On the video tip: so do I, honestly, but that's a lot more work. Like, a whole lot more. And the commentary wouldn't be as good, because the actual matches are way more fast paced. Using screencaps allows me to slow things down to allow for better commentary.

On the face/heel tip: not really. The bios imply whether the guy is a face or a heel, but there's no particular mechanics that apply to it. You can't snug the tights or put your feet on the ropes during a pin or anything.

Just as a couterpoint, I *love* getting this very cinematic experience in text-and-screens form, mainly because I can't watch videos from work where I do a lot of my foruming. Great stuff, I appreciate it!

Nice.

I'm really impressed with how you brought in the BWA angle; the theatrics and trash talk are just as authentic as the commentary has been. I can't wait to see the Stinger prevail!

Thank you!

Simian: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to CWA Crash Carnival! We are live in the world's most famous arena, Madison Square Garden, and we have a jam-packed house here, ready to see the first CWA vs. BWA interpromotional match! My name is Simian Rainstorm, and joining me as always is my broadcast partner, Robby "The Noggin" Heehaw!

Robby: Absolutely, Simian Rainstorm! I wouldn't miss this historic night for the world!



Simian: Folks, we've got quite a show tonight, in our main event, El Stingray, who last week we thought had won the Crash Carnival Title Tournament, will take on BWA invader Jumbo "Flap" Jack!

Robby: And the deck has never been stack so high against El Stingray. He's in for the fight of his life, but for the sake of the CWA, he's got to pull through. And you've got to agree, Rainstorm, that even though you don't like the man, you're rooting for him.

Simian: Absolutely! I'm CWA through and through, and I'd rather see the belt on any one of our guys than go to the BWA! Now let's go to the lockerroom for pre-match comments!



Simian: Quite a warning from Jumbo, wouldn't you say, Noggin?

Robby: No doubt, Rainstorm, but there's on thing to remember, that tub of lard is going to have to catch the Stinger first.

Simian: A challenge, to be sure! Let's get right to the action, folks! We take you now to ring announce Harold Stinkel for our ring introductions!



Harold: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a special interpromotional match, and is scheduled for one fall! Heading down the aisle, weighing in at 163 pounds, hailing from Acapulco, Mexico, representing the Capcom Wrestling Association... EL SSSSSSSSSSSSTINGRAY!!!

Crowd: YAYYYYYYYYY!!!



Harold: And his opponent, weighing in at 410 pounds, he stands six feet five inches tall, hailing from Hoseville, Canada, representing the Blood Wrestling Association... JUMBO "FLAP" JAAAAAAAAACK!!!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Simian: A little strange to hear the crowd be behind El Stingray.

Robby: Well, it's about time these ham 'n' eggers realized what a great athlete he is!



Simian: And the bell is gone! We're underway here in the Garden!



Simian: El Stingray showing some trepidation. This is as large a man as he's faced, and much more vicious than anyone he's locked up with in the CWA.

Robby: Absolutely, Rainstorm. He's wise to keep his distance.

Simian: And a lightning fast shoulder tackle! Stingray nearly took himself down with that one!

Crowd: YAYYYY!!!



Simian: And the big man takes a powder.

Robby: Or is he? Where he comes from, they fight outside all the time. Maybe he's trying to lure the Stinger out there!



Simian: Well, if that is the case, he may just regret it, because here comes the luchador, and he's dangerous out there, too, as we well know!



Simian: Irish whip from Jumbo, Stingray headed to the guardrail!

Robby: And that's gonna do some damage. That guardrail is solid steel.

Simian: But he's trying to get back to his feet!



Simian: And a fan has thrown a bottle over the rail! Jumbo's got some sick ideas!

Robby: And a kick to the fat man makes him drop it. And now, Rainstorm, looks like El Stingray has some sick ideas!



Robby: HE BUSTED THAT BOTTLE OVER CHUBBY'S FAT HEAD!

Crowd: YAYYYYY!!!

Simian: He follows it up with a stiff shot to the solar plexus, and Jack's looking a little dazed as he heads back to the safety of the ring.