Enter the Squared Circle: Let's Play Saturday Night Slammasters!

King Rasta Mon!

Dont mess with the monkey.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd we're done! Voting's over, thanks everyone! A final tally of votes shows that our man on the quest for the title will be...



Yes, the Ultra Macho Ladies' Man squeeked in with three more votes than future mayor Haggar. But we might see some Haggar gameplay down the line...

Now, make sure to tune in Saturday for some expository gameplay stuff and the first episode of CWA CRASH CARNIVAL, LIVE FROM THE L.A. MEMORIAL SPORTS ARENA!

Really, I'm surprised. For me, this game has always been Mike Haggar Versus Some Other Guys.

How does El Stingray wrestle without boxing gloves on?

I just had to stop by and say I approve of this Let's Play.

About Me
First of all, this is my first LP, and that being the case, please be kind. Second of all, some of you will probably be wondering about some of the random wrestling references thrown in here. Well, I love pro wrestling. And in a totally non-ironic fashion, too.

In fact, I love it so much, I...


Yeah, that's me. Most of you know, but for those who don't, I love wrestling so much, I learned how to do it. I put on some tights and a pair of boots and had choreographed fights with other grown men. But enough about me. Let's talk about this game.

About Saturday Night Slammasters

Alright, so now that we've got our chosen champion, and we know who the characters are, let's talk a little bit about how the game is played. When you boot the SNES up, the first thing you see is the copyright screen.



It credits the character designs partly to Shueisha & Tetsuo Hara. Hara, if you don't know, is the creator of Fist of the North Star, and, yes, he did the art and co-created the characters. Shueisha was his publisher, and publisher of Shonen Jump magazine.

The next thing we see is the famous Capcom logo.



Ok, we all know what that is.

Now we see the opening cinematic, which shows a guy who would now be considered a Triple H lookalike, but at the time was clearly a Hulk Hogan lookalike. He also has no nipples.



He's not in the game, but his name is Victor Ortega, and he's playable in Slammasters II: Ring of Destruction.

Once he rips off his shirt, we get the title screen.



Very nice.

Then we press start, and get title screen, mark II.



Ok, real good, then.

We'll choose options and take a look there.



Alright, we can see that this game uses the standard Capcom eight star difficulty scale. We'll leave it at the default of four stars. We also see we can turn the time limit on or off, change the controls for all four potential players, choose to turn the music to mono if we like and do a little sound test. We'll change our pin button to X, and that's all we need here.

While we're here, I'll take a moment to explain the controls, and one of this game's major faults. The pin button does two things. 1) Makes a pin attempt on a downed opponent. 2) Taunts if you're on the top turnbuckle. That's all. The attack button executes both striking attacks and grapples. This is problematic if you're trying to do one specific thing. You'll often end up doing the other. With six action buttons on a SNES controller, you'd think they would have fixed this, but no. It is fixed in the arcade upgrade, Muscle Bomber Duo.



When we start our game, we get to choose singles or "Team" Battle Royal. (I'm not sure why "Team" is in quotes, as you actually are on a team with your partner.) The latter is a tornado tag match, meaning there are teams, but no actual tagging. Both wrestlers must be pinned or made to submit for the match to end. This is moot (at least for now) as we're taking El Stingray to the World Heavyweight Championship, and he will not have a tag partner. We choose singles.



This is the character select, and we know who we're going with!

NEXT POST: The inaugural broadcast of CWA Crash Carnival!

I'd like to take this opportunity to attempt to explain how amazing the arcade version of the game's opening is. This is pretty much the only part that got completely redrawn instead of just scaled down for the console ports; as you can see above, Ortega comes through the transition looking properly enraged and intimidating (and nippless). In the original version, though, he's...different. Too different. Too perfect.







He starts off looking guarded, pudgey, and maybe even cross-eyed—a mundane man, sculpted but to no end. However, as he rends his vestments, something happens to him.







The agent of the transformation is invisible to us, but his dead eyes hint at a helpless state of reticent terror, while his jaw falls slack in raw ecstasy. He takes no joy in this, but a fuse has been lit which cannot be squelched—by him, or anyone else.







The poise of his hips removes all doubt. There is nothing for him, now, but to let it out.







The body explosion.

This thread is goin' places.

Alright, we're finally here! The first episode of CWA Crash Carnival! I'm going to go ahead and hand the reins over to our commentary team Simian Rainstorm and Robby "The Noggin" Heehaw.



Simian: Hello, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us here tonight LIVE from the Los Angeles Memorial Sports Colosseum! My name is Simian Rainstorm, and I am here, as always, with my broadcast partner, Robby Heehaw!

Robby: That's right, Rainstorm, and you know what? I'm excited tonight, because tonight we're starting the Crash Carnival road to fill the vacant World Heavyweight Title, and one of my favorites, the world renowned rudo from Mexico, El Stingray, is going to take on that Russian crybaby in the main event. Maybe he can finally shut that whiny Cossack up.

Simian: Well, that remains to be seen. We take you backstage now for some prefight comments.



Simian: Some pretty stinging comments from the Stinger there. I wonder if he wrestles as well as he talks.

Robby: Do you think he really has a date with Slamkovich's sister?

Simian: Will you stop?

Robby: What? It's an honest question. You know, under that mask, he's very handsome. Not like all these troglodytes here in L.A. No sir, he's a handsome latin lover.

Simian: But can he beat the Rockin' Ruskie? We'll find out. Let's take it down to ringside for the introductions from Harold "The Stink" Stinkle.

Harold: This is tonight's main event. It is a match in the Crash Carnival tournament!



Harold: Now coming down the aisle, weighing in tonight at 165 pounds, he hails from Acapulco, Mexico... El STINGRAYYYYYYYYYYYY!



Harold: And his opponent, weighing in tonight at 254 pounds, hailing from Kiev, Russia... Biff "The Rockin' Ruskie" Sssssssssssslamkovich!

Robby: You've gotta believe that Biff's tag team and former training partner, Gunloc, is watching from the lockerroom.

Simian: Well, that's right, Noggin, who knows what could happen if the two of them were to meet in the finals of this tournament? Would the Hyper Cannons explode?

Robby: Well, quite frankly, I don't think we're gonna find out, but I'm sure Gunloc will want to know how not to get beaten by El Stingray.



Simian: Alright, the bell is gone and this one is underway!



Simian: And they take a second to feel each other out... Stingray with some stiff shots to the mid-section!

Robby: What did I tell you, Rainstorm? He's takin' control early!

Simian: But Slamkovich is right back at him, with some kicks of his own. Stingray attempts some high flying evasion, but the Ruskie is right on top of him! This capacity crowd is getting right behind Slamkovich!

Robby: Then they'll be in for a disappointment!



Simian: I wouldn't be too sure about that, Noggin! The Ruskie sends him into the ropes, grabs him from behind, and what power! Look at the size difference!

Robby: Well, he's sure making the Stinger think about this, but that kind of showboating will come back to bite him in the you-know-where. Slamkovich shouldn't be worried about impressing these fans! This is a title tournament!



Simian: And a vicious backbreaker! I felt that one all the way over here!



Simian: Biff wastes no time getting the rudo back to his feet. Now what?



Simian: What a slam! You can see that 100 pound weight advantage really taking it's toll!



Robby: Oh-ho! But look at the Russian! He went for a big kick while Stingray was recovering, and missed it! Stingray hits his signature corkscrew kick!

Simian: The Rockin' Ruskie's off balance, and El Stingray hits the ropes, and he rocks Biff with a tumbling cross-body block!

Robby: Oh, and now he's really going to work! Stomping a mudhole in him! Yeah, don't let up, Stinger!

Simian: El Stingray taking a minute to pose while Slamkovich recovers. I'm not sure if that's a good move. And these fans don't like it one bit!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Robby: Stingray doesn't care what these fans think! And look, he's got the Russian up for a big time vertical suplex!



Simian: He goes for a running senton to follow up, but nobody's home! Both men slowly get to their feet, and no one's got the advantage, now.



Simian: Oh, but Slamkovich is taking the advantage!



Simian: OH MY GOD! THE HEADROCKER! Slamkovich has hit his finishing move!

Robby: But he almost went out of the ring doing it! Can he capitalize?



Robby: HE COULDN'T! Stingray hits him with another big suplex!

Simian: And now what's he got up his sleeve?



Simian: JALAPENO COMET! Right to the heart of Slamkovich!

Robby: This one's all over but the shouting!

Crowd: 1! 2! 3!

Simian: And El Stingray advances in the Crash Carnival Tournament!



Harold: The winner of this match, as a result of a pinfall... EL SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTINGRAY!


Okay, we see here our bonuses for the match. They tally up, then the total bonus drains to our overall score. We also get a x1 next to our crown, which shows our win streak.

Simian: And now we go backstage for post-match comments.



Robby: Haha! Oh, I love that masked man!

Simian: Thanks for joining us, folks! For Robby Heehaw, I'm Simian Rainstorm saying make sure to join us next week from Tijuana as we continue the road to the title!

PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION PAID FOR BY THE FOLLOWING:

The guy from Robotron was right.

Saturday night IS all right for Fighting.

This... is amazing. Even though it's supposed to be Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan (?), I'm reading it as Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

Jerry Lawler makes so many hilarious sounds.

You are correct! And thanks for your kind words.

Also, Kishi? I fuckin' love you, dude.

Awesome first session! Now that's how you wrestle!

Authentic.

Indeed! There's another phrase I closely associate with him in there as well. There will be more, as there are at least two more I love of his that will work their way in at some point.

As much as I love JR, and I respect Gordon Sollie, Gorilla Monsoon is my favorite wrestling play by play man. Honestly, I briefly toyed with having the play by play man be a Tony Shiavone analog, but it would stop being funny after the second post and just get really annoying. Especially for the guy writing it.

Tony was actually really good when he was in the WWF in 1989ish. He just got lazy (or burned out) when Nitro debuted. I'd still rather have him than Cole, who's so robotic now that he's worse than late-era WCW Tony. In fact, I think you could replace Cole's commentary with his video game counterpart and you wouldn't notice a difference. Tony and especially JR and Gorilla never had that problem.

Gorilla was my favourite, but only when teamed with Heenan. He was merely okay with Jesse (who played off Vince much better, since Vince would carry the storytelling and Jesse would just be an asshole while actually analyzing the match a bit). Gorilla and Jesse always seemed to trip each other up, and while Vince and Heenan were good together, they didn't actually bother to call anything.

Whereas Gorilla paired with anyone but Bobby or Jesse was a horror show. Him and Lord Alfred always had me running for the hills.

(He was also good as a colour guy for JR later on - I think there's a Bret / Davey v Owen / Backlund match out there that they're just spectacular on.)

All I know about wrestling commentary is with God as my witness, they have broken him in half!

It's kinda sad that became JR's signature moment, because while it was awesome and epic, he'd had better nights before and would again later as the WWF's style became more tailored to his liking (thanks to JR being the guy who hired everyone).

If you want to hear an awesome JR performance, him calling Bret / Perfect at KOTR 93 is pretty much his apex. It's also a rare teaming of JR and Heenan (they were doing Challenge around that time).

"Inverted atomic drop! Side Russian legsweep! This could be all!! Will this be aawuullll?!

"No, it won't!"

Ok, real quick before we get started, I've asked some of my close peeps about what they think of the LP so far, and I'm making a few tweeks to make it a little easier to follow for people who aren't familiar with the game or wrestling in general. I'm going to space out the screenshots, and any commentary from me that will clarify game mechanics or situations will be in italics directly beneath the screencaps. So, yeah, hope that helps. Now, without further ado, let's get on with this week's episode of CWA Crash Carnival!





Simian: Hello, everyone, welcome to Crash Carnival! This week, we're coming to you live from the Playas de Tijuana Bullring here in Tijuana, and we've got a capacity crowd tonight! I'm Simian Rainstorm, and with me as always, Robby "The Noggin" Heehaw.

Robby: That's right, Rainstorm. We're on a world tour, ready to crown a new World Champion! And tonight, my favorite to win the tournament, El Stingray, is fighting in his home country. A place where he actually gets the respect he deserves!

Simian: That may well be, Noggin, but let's remember that people all over the world love his opponent, King Rasta Mon! And let's also not forget that earlier, Mike Haggar won his match in the tournament, and will be facing the winner of this match on next week's show from Sydney. Now, let's go back to the locker room for some pre-match comments!



Simian: I wonder if Stingray knows any other taunts.

Robby: Hey, now, Rainstorm, you know English isn't his first language. I think you should give him more credit.

Simian: He speaks very good English! I've heard him many times!

Robby: Yes, but he gets nervous on camera.

Simian: Will you stop!?

Robby: And another thing, Rainstorm, I'm not ok with this threat of chewing Stingray's face off. First of all, that mask has a lot of meaning here in Mexico, second of all, biting, let alone chewing, is illegal here in the Capcom Wrestling Association.

Simian: Well, sometimes you have to do what you need to do to get your hand raised. Let's go down to Harold Stinkle for our introductions. Stink?



Howard: The following match is scheduled for one fall, and is a part of the Crash Carnival Title Tournament! Now tumbling down the aisle, he weighs in at 163 pounds, from Acapulco, Mexico... EL SSSSSSSSSSSSSSTINGRAY!

Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!

Robby: See, what did I tell you, Rainstorm? Respect for this man. Only in Mexico.



And his opponent, hailing from Venice Beach, California, he weighs in tonight at 331 pounds... KIIIIIIIIIIIIIING RASTA MON!



Simian: Alright, the bell is gone and we're underway here in Tijuana.


Big advantage to using Stingray, his spinning kick can hit on the way up and the way down.

Simian: Stingray wasting little time, much to the chagrin of Rasta, here, Noggin.

Robby: That's right, and this crowd loves it.

Simian: Rasta tries to get a hold on the Stinger, but he's just too fast in there.

Robby: And that's what you have to be careful of, when you're in there with him. He's small, yes, but the much faster man.



Robby: And what a kick!

Simian: Stingray was telegraphing a lockup, but he hit the big man with a swift kick! And I'm not sure about that, Robby, looks like it might have been below the belt!

Robby: Aren't you the one who said sometimes you have to do what needs to be done to get your hand raised?

Simian: Well, yes, but not at the cost of sterilizing another man!

Robby: No woman would ever look at Rasta anyways, Rainstorm!



Robby: Look at that, he's got a man twice his size backing away from him!

Simian: I wouldn't underestimate the ring smarts of the King here, Noggin.



Simian: And he's got him! Is he going for a monkey flip?



Robby: Oh, no! He's licking the man! The ref needs to stop this!

Simian: Shades of the Bushwackers. But there's nothing illegal about licking, here, Noggin.

Robby: Oh, no? What about that bite? Ref, disqualify him!

Robby: Oh, disgusting! I'm sure the people at home are cheering that. I'm sick and tired of the biased officiating here in CWA.

Simian: Well, the ref applied the five count, and Rasta released the hold before five.



Simian: My goodness, and look at the power! There's a deceptive amount of power in those legs!

Robby: Oh, and what a comeuppance for the big man! That's what you get for biting! Haha!


You can't hit a spinning dropkick on a downed opponent, so I clearly mistimed my attack here, as I should be going for a senton.

Simian: And he goes for another spinning kick on the downed man, but the big man is perhaps more spry than he looks.

Robby: Hey, those are closed fists that ape-man is hitting with! Where's the official on this!

*Technically, you are not allowed to strike an opponent with a closed fist in pro wrestling, but I can't remember the last time someone was DQ'd for it.



Simian: And no matter what, it seems the speed of the luchador has the strength of the big man beat at every turn.

Robby: Oh, what a suplex! That's right, Rainstorm, there's no way that big ham 'n' egger can beat El Stingray in his home country.



Robby: Another suplex! Even someone as resiliant as King Rasta Mon can't handle too many of these!

Simian: That's right, but it looks like he's getting mad, and you don't want to make a three-hundred plus pounder mad!

When you take several consecutive hits, or go the the top turnbuckle and taunt, your character turns red. This makes your attacks temporarily do more damage, and makes you temporarily take less.

Simian: The luchador would do well to keep up his fancy footwork while the big man is enraged. Oh, he hits the ropes.

Robby: He's got a big head of steam, here!



Simian: Both men going for attacks, but the big man is just too big. Hitting that boot was like hitting a brick wall for El Stingray.



Simian: The faster man, Stingray is struggling in the grip of Rasta, but I don't think he'll escape!

Robby: Oh, this isn't fair. Look at how much bigger Rasta is! Why doesn't he find someone his own size to pick on!

Simian: Irish whip from this colossus! What power!



Simian: Coming in... another big boot! That's gonna put him on dream street, Noggin.

Robby: Maybe not! What's this?



Simian: What strength! I didn't think he'd have that in him!

Robby: It's this crowd in Mexico, they're giving him the strength!

Robby: Yeah, now put the boots to him!



Simian: But he's back in the grip of the big man! And another kick to the midsection! That's looking dangerously low, Noggin.

Robby: Oh, now listen to you. It was ok when the animal was biting the Stinger, but now the kicks are too low! Pah!



Simian: They circle again, and a big gut wrench suplex from Rasta!



Simian: He follows up with a stomp of his own, and now he's stalking El Stingray. What does he have in mind?



Robby: Argh! More biting! This is egregious! Ref, throw him out!

Simian: And he kicks off of him, sending the hometown hero to the canvas.

Simian: And he's bouncing around that corner like a ping-pong ball!

Robby: This is disgusting! Does that animal have his rabies shots?



Simian: He's managed a quick recovery... Can he get him over with this belly-to-back suplex?

Robby: Yes, yes, yes!



Simian: But he can't hold the bridge for a pin attempt!

Robby: Pin him!

Simian: He's kicking wildly, perhaps out of frustration.

Robby: Pin him!



Simian: The big man is back up, and he looks angry! Grabs El Stingray!

Robby: No, no, no!

Simian: The smaller man, trying to use leverage to throw this behemoth off of him, but to no avail. He's got him cinched up!

Simian: What a power bomb! He folded him up like an accordion, Noggin!



Simian: He's really on rubber-leg street now, Noggin. I don't know how he can hold out. Leaning against the ropes, the big man coming in...

Robby: He's sneaky, Rainstorm, don't forget it!



Robby: JALAPENO COMET! Oh my goodness, he pulled it out of nowhere! He rope-a-doped that big goof! Oh, yes! And what a stylish dismount, there.

Simian: Oh, the King is in trouble, here.

Simian: Big back suplex with a float over.



Crowd: UNO! DOS! TRES!

Robby: He's that much closer, Rainstorm! That much closer!

Simian: Can't take anything away from him, Noggin, he got the duke here tonight in Mexico. Let's go down to The Stink for our official announcements.



Harold: The winner of this match, advancing in the Crash Carnival World Heavyweight Title Tournament: EL SSSSSSSSSSTINGRAY!


Once again, score tallies, and now a little x2 by our crown.

Simian: Let's go back to the locker room for some post match comments.



Robby: I always knew he was a momma's boy.

Simian: Well, be that as it may, make sure to join us next week from Sydney as we continue our globe-spanning tournament. For Robby Heehaw, I'm Simian Rainstorm, good night everyone!

PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION PAID FOR BY THE FOLLOWING: