Enter the Squared Circle: Let's Play Saturday Night Slammasters!

Relevant.

Simian: Hello, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to a very special Thanksgiving weekend edition of CWA Crash Carnival! We are coming to you live from Wembley Stadium, and this capacity crowd is about to come unglued, as they will see two of the biggest stars in the CWA go at it for the World Heavyweight Title! El Stingray will defend against the #1 Contender, Gunloc! Joining me, as always, is my broadcast partner, Robby "The Noggin" Heehaw!

Robby: That's right, Simian Rainstorm, and are we in for a treat tonight. I've also got something special planned for the main event!

Simian: Somehow, I'm not sure I want to know.



Simian: What's this? What is going on, Noggin?

Robby: I told you I had something planned, and before our main event, I have arranged for us to be joined on commentary by none other than Mike Haggar!

Haggar: Good to see you, Noggin. Rainstorm.

Simian: What is he doing here?

Haggar: You got a problem, tubby?

Simian: I only hope you don't interject yourself into this match!

Haggar: I won't, don't worry, fat boy.

Robby: Yeah, why don't you show some respect to our guest?

Simian: Unbelievable. Let's check in down at the lockerroom area.



Haggar: Doesn't that Mexican idiot know any other phrases?

Simian: It's a very popular phrase, Mike. He's sold many t-shirts with it.

Haggar: T-shirts don't win matches.

Simian: Well, he's done a little of that, too.

Robby: We'll see if he does it tonight, though. Not that I like Gunloc any better, but maybe he'd give Haggar the fair shot at the title he deserves.

Haggar: Maybe.

Simian: Let's go down to Harold Stinkel for our ring introductions!



Harold: Ladies and gentlemen... the following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it is for the Capcom Wrestling Association World Heavyweight Championship! Introducing first, hailing from Acapulco, Mexico, he weighs in at 163 pounds, he is the current CWA World Heavyweight Champion... EL SSSSSSSSSTINGRAY!!!!

Haggar: That waif doesn't know what's about to hit him.

Simian: I would think you of all people would respect the speed and smarts of El Stingray.

Haggar: I don't respect anything about this punk.



Harold: And the challenger... now approaching the ring, from Slam Town, USA, he weighs in tonight at 276 pounds... "The Lucky Colt"... GUNLOOOOOOOOOOOOC!!!!

Simian: This man is indeed a specimen, and no offense to either the champion or our guest commentator, but he may be the best athlete in the CWA in terms of conditioning.

Haggar: I have a lot of respect for this man, and he is in great condition, but I've beaten him before, and if he wins the title tonight, I'll be happy to beat him again.



Simian: The bell is gone and we are under way in this huge championship match!



Simian: The champ is immediately on the offensive! He misses with a corkscrew kick!

Simian: Both men find the mark with kicks, and both men down for the moment!

Robby: You know, Rainstorm, very few men in all of professional wrestling can compete with Stingray when it comes to quickness, but Gunloc one of them.

Simian: Absolutely, Noggin, and that could be to the champ's detriment.



Simian: Both men back to their feet, and both men again on the offensive, but neither lands a blow!



Simian: Gunloc now ties up...

Haggar: Goodnight, champ.



Simian: My goodness! That was a Gut Crush! That's one of Gunloc's finishing holds! This could be over early!

Haggar: We can only hope.



Simian: Circling the champion now, perhaps he should be going for a pin instead of praticing his dropkicks?

Robby: I'm not sure anyone ever said he was too bright.

Simian: The Stinger is getting back to his feet and... what a vicious kick to the back of the head!

Haggar: When it's for the title, you gotta pull out all the stops, Simian Rainstorm!

Robby: That's right!



Simian: But the champ answers with a kick of his own!




Simian: What a Jalapeno Comet! That's finisher for finisher!

Haggar: I won't lie, that move hurts. It hurts a lot, but Gunloc is fresh. I don't think he gets a pinfall from that.

Robby: No way!



Simian: Stingray follows up with a right hand...

Simian: He's got him up! Making him think about it, shades of Davy Boy Smith, here!



Simian: Crashing down with a gourdbuster! That will do some damage!



Simian: They trade kicks, the champion putting one right in the breadbasket!

Haggar: I've been on the receiving end of both of those kicks, and neither hurts any less.



Simian: The luchador having problems finding the mark with that corkscrew dropkick tonight.

Robby: That's because Gunloc has it scouted!



Simian: Speaking of scouted, Gunloc trying to go airborne and takes a spinning kick that knocks him right out of mid-air! The champ now airborne...

Simian: Gunloc taking a powder, but he better pay attention to where Stingray is!

Haggar: He's trying to lure him out there. GIVE HIM A TASTE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE!!



Simian: My goodness! The technico comes down with an over the top rope suicide dive!

Robby: And not a moment too soon, Gunloc was going for that bucket!

Haggar: I was hoping he'd get it...



Simian: And now the masked man has it...

Robby: Well, I think referee Harry Hicks needs to DQ him!

Simian: Why is that? Turnabout is fair play! It was ok when Gunloc was going to use it, but not Stingray?

Robby: Exactly!



Simian: He is lacing into him with it!

Haggar: That's because he knows he can't beat Gunloc!



Haggar: This is why I have no respect for that man. He just broke a bucket over another competitor's head!

Simian: Another competitor who was only too happy to do it to the champion, had he not been knocked down!

Simian: And a pair of right hands find the mark, but Gunloc looks angry, he's coming at the champ!



Simian: What a powerslam! Typically a move followed up with a pinning combination, but he can't win the belt out there.

Robby: That's absolutely right, he needs to get him back in the ring and pin him! That powerslam on the floor has got to have taken a lot out of him!



Simian: Champion slowly to his feet, goes for a kick, but is stopped short with one of Gunloc's kicks!

Robby: And he'd better get back in the ring, a count-out will see El Stingray retain the title.



Simian: El Stingray once again unable to connect with that signature corkscrew dropkick, and Gunloc does get back in the ring.

Haggar: He's fixated on landing that corkscrew kick. He needs to be careful. If it was me, I would've countered it into a spinning piledriver by now.



Simian: The champion now trying to put some space between him and the challenger before getting back in the ring.

Haggar: But he can't. Gunloc is all over him, and as soon as Stingray's back in there, he's being Irish whipped into the ropes.



Simian: Indeed, thrown in, and the challenger now with a full head of steam!



Simian: What a clothesline! He nearly took the champ out of his boots!

Haggar: And that's a picture perfect lariat, Rainstorm.



Simian: Up to his feet again, and looking like he may be on queer street is the champion. Oh, but no, he lands one of those signature kicks!



Simian: Follows it up with a corkscrew kick, and this on hits right on the button! He's a house of fire!

Simian: Another shot to the solar plexus, and the challenger jumping in now...



Simian: A spinning kick! And he got 100% of the high senton splash! The Stinger is fighting to win here, folks!

Haggar: The second wind of a desperate man! He can't keep this up!

Robby: What he said!



Simian: He circles, misses with a kick...



Simian: Gunloc dodged the kick, but he's in a worse position! Up for the suplex!



Simian: Bringing him to his feet, is Gunloc in for a Stinger, that signature choke?

Simian: No! He uses that explosive leg power for a backdrop driver! Shades of "Dr. Death" Steve Williams, and this could be it!



Haggar: He'll kick out!

Simian: He's got him, shoulders to the canvas!



Crowd: 1! 2! 3!!!

Simian: He got him! Let's go to Harold Stinkel for the official announcements!



Harold: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this match, and... STILL CWA World Heavyweight Champion; EL SSSSSSSSTINGRAY!!!

Crowd: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!


The points count up and we are just two, count 'em, two matches from the end of the road!

Simian: Unbelievable match from both men, what a contest! Let's go back to the lockerroom for some comments!

Simian: Indeed he did. Well, folks, we will be back in the US next week, coming to you live from the world's most famous arena, Madison Square Garden! Please join us!

Haggar: Oh, make sure you do, because I've got a surprise. Next week, I have made arrangements with the CWA Championship Committee and the BWA and Jumbo Jack will be back in the CWA to challenge El Stingray for the CWA Championship! Don't miss it!

Simian: What?! Who approved this? How did you manage that?!

Robby: HAHAHA!!! Oh, I can't wait to see him crush this little masked man!

Simian: You too? Unbelievable! Folks, we're out of time, but it promises to be an exciting show next week! Don't miss it!

PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION PAID FOR BY THE FOLLOWING:

Nice. This was fitting, too, since Gunloc is said to have trained under Haggar (along with Slamkovich) in the Japanese storyline.





They're certainly brazen about those closed fists.

Simian: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to CWA Crash Carnival! We are live from the world's most famous arena, Madison Square Garden, and tonight this capacity crowd will see the BWA invader, Jumbo Jack, take on our CWA Champion, El Stingray! I guarantee, it will be a match for the ages! My name is Simian Rainstorm, and joining me as always is Robby "The Noggin" Heehaw!

Robby: That's right, and I am excited, because my buddy, Mike Haggar has arranged for the BWA to come back to the CWA and take the title off of our chump of a champ! Jumbo Jack is the largest man to enter a CWA ring in history, and he is going to finally end this joke of a title reign!

Simian: I still can't believe this. You and Haggar disgust me. Selling out to these invaders. Stingray is one of ours.



Simian: There is no love lost between these men, I promise you that. El Stingray was the one who ran off the BWA eariler this year, and I still can't believe Mike Haggar managed to engineer some back-door deal with the Championship Committee to bring one of them back. And for his part, I'm sure Jumbo Jack is looking for revenge. Let's go to the lockerroom for pre-match comments!



Robby: That's right, he is going to crush this little punk flat! It's going to be great!

Simian: That remains to be seen, Noggin. Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the main event! Let's go down to Harold Stinkel for the ring introductions!



Simian: Listen to this ovation!

Crowd: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Harold: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is our MAIN EVENT, and it is a special interpromotional attraction for the CWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!!! Now approaching the ring, hailing from Acapulco, Mexico, weighing in at 163 pounds, he is the current CWA Champion... EL SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTINGRAY!!!!!



Harold: And his opponent... from Hoseville, Canada, he weighs in at 410 pounds, he is six feet five inches tall, he represents the Blood Wrestling Association... JUMBO "FLAP" JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Simian: The crowd here in New York not fans of Jack.

Robby: What do they know? They can't see greatness when it's right in front of them!



Simian: The bell is gone, and this huge main event is under way!



Simian: A pair of big boots from the invader sends the champ flying!

Simian: And the champ is immoble here...

Robby: Expect it, Rainstorm. This is going to be domination from bell to bell, and it ends with a new champ!



Simian: And now in the grip of Jumbo Jack!



Simian: But he breaks the grapple!

Robby: NO!

Simian: And a pair of boots backs off the behemoth!



Simian: And a third boot sends this huge man flying! We have talked about the deceptive lower body strength of the champion before, but there you see it in spades, folks!



Simian: And he's got him hooked up! What now?

Robby: He'll never get him off the ground. Those were lucky kicks!

Simian: He got him up, and... HE SUPLEXED HIM! BIG BUTTERFLY SUPLEX! There again, that lower body strength!



Simian: The champ looking to follow up, but Jumbo Jack has him!



Simian: Full head of steam, and...



Simian: He caught him in a big bearhug!

Robby: That's right, and he's gonna squeeze the life out of him!



Robby: Just tap out! There's no way he can hang on!

Simian: Looks like there's some rage and desperation building in the champion, and some frustration in the challenger!

Simian: And he just tossed him like a sack of potatoes! What strength!

Robby: That's right, he knew Stingray wouldn't submit, so he just cast him aside!



Simian: Now closing in on the champ... he goes to grab him, but the champ swats his hands away and hits him with a swift kick to back him off! Right in the solar plexus!



Simian: And right to the high rent district! And he lets the CWA fans know he's ready to go!

Crowd: PUMP UP, STINGRAY!!! *clap* *clap* *clapclapclap* PUMP UP, STINGRAY!!!

Robby: He's taking too much time, and he's gonna regret it!



Simian: He swung with a kick, and he's fast for a big man, but not fast enough! And the champ got all of that moonsault!



Simian: Getting closer to follow up, stomping now on the challenger!

Robby: He better keep stomping! If that man gets to his feet again, he's gonna be upset!

Simian: HE'S GOT HIM IN THE STINGER!!! THAT'S GOTTA BE ALL!

Robby: No, Jack powered out! He beat the champion's submission finisher!



Simian: And El Stingray lands on his feet, and though the challenger was able to power out of that move, he is definitely worse for wear. And another boot to the downed giant!



Simian: He's got him to his feet, and what's he got in mind?

Robby: It better be something big!



Simian: AND IT WAS!!! I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT! MODIFIED DEATH VALLEY DRIVER!!!!

Robby: How did he do that? I can't believe what I just saw!



Simian: And a cover! This has got to be it!

Robby: HE KICKED OUT!!!!

Simian: How did he do that?! What can the champion do to beat this invader!

A note on this: if the computer player had tried to pin me with that little health, not only would I not be able to kick out at one, I would have lost. For sure. Even with a turbo controller. This fucking game cheats.



Simian: And that move took everything out of the champion. He is not getting up, he looks defeated!

Robby: That's because he IS defeated. He pulled out all the stops, and came up short. It's over for him.



Simian: Got him to his feet, and it looks like a big suplex on the way!



Simian: Huge German suplex!

Robby: And that, Rainstorm, has got to be it.



Simian: And look at those vicious stomps by the invading Jumbo Jack. He has the champ beat, this isn't necessary.

Robby: No, it is necessary. He wants this man to know that he's been beaten. He wants to do more than beat him.

Simian: Well, he better hope that doesn't come back to haunt him.

Simian: The champion on rubber leg street, and he's trying to use those kicks to keep the challenger at bay.





Simian: My goodness, what a giant swing! This is just about causing injury!

Robby: I told you, Rainstorm! Domination from bell to bell!

Simian: And the champion is motionless, but Jumbo Jack isn't going for a cover, he's just gloating! This is a mistake!



Simian: And the champ rolls out of the ring to catch a breather.

Robby: He doesn't have enough time to take the kind of breather he needs!

Simian: I fear you may be right.




Simian: And after several seconds, he gets back in.

Robby: He had 12 more seconds, should've used them, or maybe he should've just let himself get counted out. It would be the only way to keep his title!

Simian: He's got more self-respect than that!

Simian: And a shot to the breadbasket!




Simian: And a huge Jalapeno Comet out of nowhere!

Robby: Unbelievable!



Simian: Thinking pinfall, perhaps, but the big man rolls away, back to his feet, and what's this? Double leg takedown?

Simian: And another huge giant swing! Maybe he'll pin the champ THIS time.



Simian: Still no pin, but a little posing.



Simian: And again, no cover. Does he not want the belt?

Robby: He does, but he can beat El Stingray literally any time he wants. This is about pain. This is about revenge. This is about making a point to the CWA roster.



Simian: The champ is up, and he's hitting the ropes!

Simian: Goes for a big diving headbutt, but this big man is surprisingly spry, and no one's home!



Simian: Back up, and back into the ropes! What this time?



Simian: He slid under him, and he's got him up again! What now?!



Simian: HE HIT HIM AGAIN! The challenger is motionless, and the Stinger rolls him over!



Simian: He collapsed right on top of him.

Robby: He'll kick out again.

Simian: Harry Hicks leaping into position to make the count!

Crowd: 1... 2... 3!!!!! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

Simian: HE GOT HIM, HE GOT HIM! EL STINGRAY RETAINS IN MADISON SQUARE GARDEN!!!

Robby: No, no, no!!!!

Simian: Let's go to The Stink for the official announcement!




Harold: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this match... and STILL CWA World Champion; EL SSSSSSSSSTINGRAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

Simian: And this crowd is on their feet!

Crowd: YAYYYYYYYY!!!


And the score tallies up, and we have one match left until we see the TRUE END.



Simian: What's he doing here?

Robby: Woo! Haggar's here!

Simian: Knock it off!

Haggar: Hey, Stingray... Hey! Enjoy this victory while it lasts, because Jack showing up wasn't the end of my arrangement with the BWA and the Championship Committee. No, next week in Calgary, I've got a special treat for you. The Scorpion is coming back, and he's got a CWA title shot! Enjoy it, champ!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOO!!!!

Simian: That is unconscionable. Unreal! He's in no shape to take on Scorpion next week!

Robby: Well, he better get in shape!

Simian: Folks, we're out of time, but be sure to join us next week! For Robby Heehaw, I'm Simian Rainstorm, goodnight everyone!

PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION PAID FOR BY THE FOLLOWING:

Man, Jack loves stomping a guy while he's down. That's no exaggeration.





...Yeah, not going to miss that guy.

Me neither. But the next guy is an even cheaper bastard.

Simian: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to CWA Crash Carnival! Tonight we are live from the wrestling mecca of Calgary, Alberta, Canada and we have a HUGE main event for you as El Stingray will defend his title against BWA star, The Scorpion! There is more than we can say on the line here, folks, but suffice it to say, there will be quite a celebration if El Stingray can run off the BWA once and for all! Joining me at this time is my broadcast partner, Robby "The Noggin" Heehaw!

Robby: And am I excited, Rainstorm! We are going to see something tonight that we have never seen! A BWA star win the CWA championship!



Simian: Indeed, ladies and gentlemen, it was former World Heavyweight Champion Mike Haggar who brought the BWA back to the CWA and he has requested some interview time before the main event.



Haggar: That's right, Rainstorm. I've got something I need to say. A little something for El Stingray to think about tonight. The extent of my deal with the BWA wasn't just them coming here, it was a little talent exchange, so I'm challenging YOU, El Stingray, win or lose tonight, to a no holds barred hardcore barbed wire match next week in the BWA arena in Philly. If you aren't a coward, you'll accept. And on the outside chance you win tonight, you'll have the guts to put your title on the line!

Simian: You disgust me, Haggar, do you know that? I hope El Stingray wins tonight, and I hope he beats you like a rented mule next week in Philly!

Haggar: Well, that's simply not gonna happen, Rainstorm, but wishing doesn't cost anything.

Simian: Unbelieveable! Let's go to the lockerroom for pre-match comments on tonight's main event!



El Stingray: And, Scorpion, clearly you just didn't get the message when I beat you last time, so I'm gonna make it real clear tonight. I have been working on a brand new finishing move, and I plan on showing it to the world tonight! And as for you, Mike Haggar, after I rid the CWA of The Scorpion, I will be more than happy to come into his house and teach you a lesson, just to end this business between us once and for all! Arriba!

Simian: Big words being exchanged, but words don't mean much in the ring! Let's go to our announcer Harold Stinkel for ring introductions!



Harold: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is our MAIN EVENT! It is scheduled for one fall and it is for the Capcom Wrestling Association World Heavyweight Championship! Introducing first; he is the current CWA Champion, hailing from Acapulco, Mexico he weighs in tonight at 163 pounds... EL SSSSSSSSSSSSSSTINGRAY!!!!

Crowd: YAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

Simian: This capacity crowd is deafening, Noggin.

Robby: What? I can't hear you!



Harold: And the challenger, now approaching the ring from Parts Unknown, he weighs in at 280 pounds, representing the Blood Wrestling Association... THE SCOOOOOOOOOOOORPION!!!!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!



Simian: The bell is gone in this huge main event, and we are under way!



Simian: Both men remember their last match, now feeling each other out... Scorpion leapfrogs the champ.

Simian: The leapfrog leaves him open, and he gets hit with a cartwheel splash from behind!

Robby: That's unsportsmanlike, don't you think? Hitting a man in the back?

Simian: Not when he's here to steal the CWA title, it isn't! The challenger dazed now.



Simian: And he turns around right into a vertical suplex from the Stinger!



Simian: The champ with a couple of stomps, now the challenger back to his feet, he goes for a spinning kick, and misses!



Simian: Stingray now with one of his own, neither man can find the mark, and they are at a stalemate. Noggin, we've seen these men compete before, and if there is anyone we've seen Stingray take on who can compete in terms of speed and agility, it's this man from Parts Unknown.

Robby: That's right, Rainstorm, it is. This match will come down to who makes the big mistake first!



Simian: The champ backs up, and he's up in the high rent district!

Simian: Bombs away! Scorpion might have just made that big mistake as the luchador got all of that one!

Robby: That's a big move, but it will take more than that to keep the Scorpion down!



Simian: And the champ leaps through the air, and puts a pair of boots right in the mush of the prone challenger! That signature corkscrew kick, and that may have cost the Scorpion some teeth!

Robby: Attacking the man while he's down! How disgusting!

Simian: There's nothing in the rules against it!



Simian: Now looking to follow up, but the challenger is mobile on the canvas, and back to his feet. What do you make of the champ's threat to unveil a new move tonight, Noggin?

Robby: It's just a bunch of big talk, Rainstorm. We've seen everything he has to offer, enzuigiris, butterfly suplexes, backdrop drivers, diving headbutts, Jalapeno Comets, all of it. He doesn't have any more tricks.

Simian: I think you sell him short.



Simian: Sending the invader in, he hits another cartwheel!



Simian: Going to follow up with more stomps, and it has been all CWA so far in this main event! The BWA's big man hasn't been able to get any offense in to this point.

Robby: He's rope-a-doping him, Rainstorm! You'll see!

Simian: Back to his feet now, both men going for kicks, but the challenger comes up short!



Simian: A corkscrew kick misses, and now Scorpion has got ahold of him!



Simian: Look at the strength! Gorilla press slam!

Robby: You see? He's just getting warmed up!



Simian: And the challenger goes right to the champ and brings him back to his feet.

Robby: That's because he's smart, he's not going to let up!



Simian: A brutal, hard kick to the ribs!



Simian: And another! The challenger is taking control here, folks!

Robby: That's right! You don't know the half of what's to come!