Enter the Squared Circle: Let's Play Saturday Night Slammasters!

Hell yes! Everyone loved the Bushwackers. Any kid of the '80s who says he didn't walk around his house like the Bushwackers is a liar.

Also, I just want to make sure everyone knows, those "promotional consideration" pictures at the end of the posts are connected to videos, so make sure you're clicking on them!

Simian: Hello folks, and welcome to a very special Labor Day Weekend edition of CWA Crash Carnival, coming to you live from Olympic Stadium in Moscow! This capacity crowd is jam-packed, and going wild in anticipation of our main event, which will see the big Englishman, Titanic Tim, take on the rudo from south of the border, El Stingray. I'm Simian Rainstorm, and with me as always, Robby "The Noggin" Heehaw!

Robby: That's right, Rainstorm, and I'm excited, because this is Stingray's biggest challenge yet, and I can't wait for him to beat that big humanoid, Titanic Tim!



Simian: Earlier tonight, we saw Zangief come back to pro wrestling for one night in his home country to team up with his comrade, Biff Slamkovich, as well as Biff's tag team partner Gunloc and "Macho" Mike Haggar in eight man tag team action! That was a donnybrook, to be sure, but, Noggin, I think our biggest match is yet to come.

Robby: Absolutely, Rainstorm. This main event is going to be the biggest thing Russia's ever seen. Bigger than the wall coming down, bigger than that thing on Gorby's head, the biggest!

Simian: Hard to disagree with you there, Noggin. Let's go to the lockerroom for some pre-match comments!



Robby: I think Tim needs some history lessons.

Simian: Well, be that as it may, he's going to be a big hurdle for El Stingray, and I mean that literally. Let's head down to The Stink at ringside for our introductions!



Harold: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is a match in the Crash Carnival World Heavyweight Title Tournament! Introducing first, coming down the aisle, weighing in at 163 pounds, from Acapulco, Mexico... EL SSSSSSSSSSTINGRAY!!!



Simian: And here comes the biggest man in the CWA.

Harold: And his opponent, hailing from London, England, he weighs in tonight at 432 pounds, seven feet, nine inches tall... TITANIC TIMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!

Robby: Remember, Rainstorm, the bigger they are.



Simian: Alright, the bell is gone and we're under way here in Moscow!



Simian: Stinger taking probably the smarter tack here, and avoiding the behemoth.

Robby: That's right. Because he's smarter than Frankenstein, here.

Robby: You see? Going behind that big goof and working the legs. That's how you beat a man bigger than you, you make it so he's not bigger than you anymore!

Simian: Well, that's certainly the smart strategy.



Simian: Swings with another kick, and misses, the big man wheeling on him now.



Simian: Stinger rushing in with a cartwheel, and the big man with that titanic chop. But both men miss.



Simian: The big man takes to the air for some reason, and I'm not sure trying to meet El Stingray in the air is a good plan.

Robby: That's right, and look at that spinning kick!

Simian: Shades of Tiger Mask there, with that kick.



Simian: And the giant is taking a powder.

Robby: That's because he's a coward! He knows Stingray is too fast and too smart for him!

Simian: Or maybe he's seen Stingray's other matches, and knows that if he stays on the canvas, he's in some trouble.

Robby: Like I said, he's got a yellow streak down his back!



Robby: See? And as soon as Stinger gives chase, the big fraidy cat is back in the ring.

Simian: Maybe giving him a taste of his own medicine. Tim and Mike Haggar are friends, you know, and I don't think Haggar's gotten over that loss yet.

Simian: Both men back in the ring now, no count applied by the referee. Some wild kicks from Stingray.

Robby: He's just trying to keep the big goon at a distance. They're like warning shots.



Robby: You see? He warned that goof, and now see what happened?

Simian: Titanic Tim insisting on attempting an aerial assault here. Again, I don't think that's a good idea when you're up against an aerial specialist like El Stingray.



Simian: Going upstairs now. And a little hot dogging. You don't win by showing off here.

Robby: He's baiting him, Rainstorm. You'll see.



I am baiting him, actually. Taunting on the top turnbuckle puts you ups your "adrenaline" just like taking repeat attacks. If you look, you can see that the moonsault here does a ton of damage because of the repeat taunts.

Robby: YOU SEE?! YOU SEE?! I told you, Simian Rainstorm, I told you! He baited him right to the corner!

Simian: Spectacular twisting moonsault from the luchador! Can't take anything away from him! What athleticism!

Simian: And some bad thoughts brewing in the head under that mask.

Robby: That's right, everyone's the same height when they're flat on their back! Put the boots to him, Stinger!

Simian: The giant gets back to his feet, and I'm not sure he knows where he is. He's on rubber leg street, and Stingray hooks him up from behind! What's he got in mind?



Simian: MY GOODNESS! WHAT A SUPLEX!

Robby: I told you! Look at the technique! PIN HIM, STINGER!



Robby: And there's that cowardice again, he's trying to roll out of the ring!

Simian: Stingray stops him, gets that behemoth to his feet and an Irish whip.



Robby: Stingray, full head of steam! And a huge shoulderblock!



Robby: And he's eating canvas!

Simian: Now getting back to his feet, another belly-to-back suplex in the cards here?

Simian: NO! Went to the well once too often, and the Titan has him in an iron claw! He's palming the smaller man's head like a basketball!

Robby: I can see the ref inspecting the hold, but he's not doing anything! Disqualify him! He can't breathe, that's a choke!

Simian: It's not a choke and you know it!



Simian: Palms his head like a basketball, and now bouncing it like one! I have never seen a manuver like that in my thirty plus years in this sport, either as a competitor or a play-by-play man!

Robby: No, no, no!



Simian: The big man looking to follow up as the rudo gets back to his feet!



Simian: Why does Tim go to the air when he's got the Mexican warrior right where he wants him?

Robby: I told you, Rainstorm, because he's dumb.



Robby: And yellow! Look, rolling right to the outside again, and it's gonna come back to bite him in the behind, I promise!

Simian: The masked lothario follows him to the outside.

Robby: JALAPENO COMET ON THE OUTSIDE!

Simian: If he hit his head on that concrete, this may be it. Another count out victory for the man from Acapulco.



Simian: Now picking the big man up. I'm not sure that's wise, I would get back in the ring and hope for the count out. And the beast breaks the grapple!



Simian: Another iron claw!

Robby: See, but he's stupid, just like I told you. There are no submissions on the outside!

Simian: Slams him down on the outside! Another iron claw slam! The count out could now go to the Titan! Is this justice for his friend Mike Haggar?



Robby: Back him off, ref! He's gotta let Stinger in, or the count shouldn't continue!

Simian: The luchador uses his speed to run to the other end of the ring. And a little flip, there. Too much showing off, I think.



Simian: And he's back in the ring.

Robby: Gracefully, I might add. And what's this?

Robby: NO ONE GETS UP FROM TWO JALAPENO COMETS!!!



Simian: The big man tries... A what a right hand from the luchador!



Simian: What a senton bomb!

Robby: It's over, it's all over, Rainstorm!

Robby: YES! YES! YES!



Crowd: 1... 2... 3! BOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Robby: Another victory! I can feel it, this man is going to win the World Heavyweight Championship!

Simian: Let's go to Harold Stinkle for the official announcements.



Harold: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this match, as the result of a pinfall, advancing in the Crash Carnival World Heavyweight Title Tournament... EL SSSSSSSSTINGRAY!!!


There's a score tally and another crown!

Simian: Quite frankly, I'm not sure how that happened, but it did. Let's go backstage for some post-match interviews.



Robby: Haha! Like I said, the bigger they are, the more they're like old ladies from commercials!

Simian: That's all for this week, folks, but join us next week as we come to you live from Hanover, Germany! For Robby Heehaw, I'm Simian Rainstorm, thanks for watching and have a safe Labor Day Weekend! Goodnight, everybody!

PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION PAID FOR BY THE FOLLOWING:

I remember when they used to say that. Just one of those things that I miss.

Also, a 15-count outside the ring? What happened to 10?

Refer to the Haggar fight:


More importantly, though:

Looked like you were on your way to a perfect match until Tim got El Stingray in that iron claw. Considering it looks like you could have pinned him earlier but didn't, it almost seems like you let the iron claw happen. Are you choreographing the fights to make them more interesting or something? That has no place in professional wrestling!

Dude, seriously. I fuckin' love you.

Actually, I have been semi-guilty of that, but not in this case. In this game, your opponent, especially when CPU controlled, has to be completely out of energy in order to pin him, otherwise he'll kick out at 2. So, yeah, actually I just couldn't pin him yet.

I think in Japan they typically use 20 counts instead of 10.

Just to catch up:

1. Heenan and the Warrior had Weasel Suit matches around the horn post-Wrestlemania V as a way to keep the heat on the Rude / Warrior feud without actually giving away the rematch until SummerSlam 1989.

2. Honestly, screw the Bushwackers. I grew up watching the Bulldogs, Harts, Rockers... hell, even the Rougeaus. Even at 11, when I saw them for the first time I knew they were horrible. And they didn't have the "holy shit these guys are monsters" aura the Demos did to make up for their shittiness.

To your point the first: This is true, but the biggest crowd was at County Stadium for Wrestlefest. Really, if we're being honest, the weasel suit started in the AWA with Greg Gagne, not with the Warrior. But fuck Greg Gagne, he was the shits (not that the Warrior wasn't).

To your point the second: I never said they were good. Neither Bushwacker could hold Dynamite's jock (but neither could Davey Boy, honestly), but Hogan sucked, too, the Warrior sucked, too, but at 6-7-8 years old, I marked like fuck for all of them. But I also think I'm a little younger than you.

Yeah - my first conscious memory as a wrestling fan was Savage over Tito, so I'd had three years of quality WWF 80s tag team action drilled into my head before they showed up,

Then again, Toronto being Toronto (as I've said before, it's such a wrestling city that everyone has some kind of connection; mine's twofold, although most significantly I used to play Mario Kart against someone who made a few Raw appearances in 1999), the NWA was all but invisible so I wouldn't have been aware of them as the Sheepherders so their kid-friendly makeover wouldn't have blown my mind.

But they also did Stampede for a long time, or was that only televised in Alberta?

Also, who did you play Mario Kart with? I might know the person, having been a midwest indy guy myself.

Stampede was on TSN, but hardly anyone had TSN when they were around. The only shows that had basic cable national coverage were the WWF ones, although the AWA would occasionally get some TV coverage because they still had a decent hold over Winnipeg through the late-80s.

Jason "Sensation" Travers - the guy who showed up and did a couple goofy imitations with DX.

I also went to school with one of Jack Tunney's nephews and met him through that connection at an MLG show in 87ish.

I AM NOT A NUGGET!

Me and my friend used to tag team with me as "Mayor" Mike Haggar and him as "His Personal Secretary," Titantic Tim.

We started naming all their moves loosely around things a mayor might theoretically do + wrestling move, so we'd have stuff like the "Zoning By-Law Piledriver."

Good times.

- Eddie

Reading this and the Simcity 3000 thread at the same time is making me long for a Mike Haggar/Simcity crossover. Imagine being able to eliminate your city's garbage problem by enacting a "recycle or the mayor piledrivers your face on the sidewalk" ordnance.

Mayor of Metro City and Former Street Fighter Mayor Mike Haggar is more likely to take care of the trash problem by punching the city's garbage cans and then drinking the whiskey that comes out afterwards.

PS This LP is one of my favorites ever.

Yup. The man was a bastard on Wario Stadium N64.

All these years later, I don't know why Haggar rocked the one-strap look. He wasn't Andre the Giant, for crying out loud... shit, he BEAT UP Andre the Giant.

I also approve of the esoteric nature of the LPs we have going on right now. City building simulation and wrestling games... all we need is a space sim and three of my core gaming areas are complete.

WHAT

Simian: Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another thrilling edition of CWA Crash Carnival! My name is Simian Rainstorm, and joining me, as always, is Robby "The Noggin" Heehaw!

Robby: Can you feel it, Simian Rainstorm? Can you feel it? Tonight is the semi-finals of the World Heavyweight Title Tournament, and after he takes on Alexander the Grater, my pick to win it all, El Stingray, will only have one more obstacle in his way.

Simian: Well, that may be, but that obstacle is a major one in the form of the big man from Bluegrass country. Ladies and gentlemen, we are here at the Niedersachsenstadion in Hanover, Germany, and the crowd is ready to come apart!



Simian: Ok, folks, if you're just tuning in, it's time for the main event! We already saw Gunloc win his semifinal match tonight, so we have one half of our big finals set! Next week, from Wembley Stadium in London we will see the finals of the Crash Carnival World Heavyweight Title Tournament! And meeting Gunloc will be the winner of this match!

Robby: And the winner of this match will be El Stingray. You know, he promised me he's not just going to win, he's going to really take Grater to the woodshed. Provide a definitive victory before taking on Gunloc and winning the title next week.

Simian: Well, that remains to be seen, but let's go to the lockerroom for pre-match interviews!



Robby: I don't even know what that redneck is saying. What does that mean, beat him like a hog?

Simian: I'm sure we're going to find out momentarily, Noggin. Let's go down to Harold Stinkle for our ring introductions!



Harold: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is a semifinal match in the Crash Carnival World Heavyweight Title Tournament! Introducing first, coming down the aisle, weighing in at 163 pounds, he hails from Acapulco, Mexico... EL SSSSSSSSSTINGRAY!!!



Harold: And his opponent, hailing from The Bluegrass State of Kentucky, he weighs in tonight at 359 pounds... ALEXANDER THE GRRRRRRRRRRRRATER!!!



Simian: Both men in the ring, the bell is gone and this one is under way!



Simian: Stingray looking cautious here.

Robby: That's because the man is smart, he's cunning. Grater, he's big, he's strong, but he's not bright.

Simian: And one of those signature kicks from the luchador.

Simian: But the big man isn't phased, he just keeps coming. And another swift kick!

Robby: Those kicks are swift and stiff, Rainstorm. He might put on a front, but I'll tell you, he's feeling those.





Robby: Three more! He'll burst that redneck's appendix!

Simian: They seem to be doing more to the Bluegrass Behemoth's attitude than his physique.




Robby: He just keeps laying in those kicks! You think because this man has that big boiler there that he's tough in the midsection, but even he can only take so much!

Simian: That's right, he can only take so much, and it looks like he's starting to lose his temper here!

Simian: Uh-oh. Looks like the rudo could be in some trouble now. What's Grater got in mind?



Simian: And look at the power of the big man! He's got El Stingray pressed over his head! And it's a long way down!

Robby: I think he's got him in a choke with his right hand, that's how it looks to me!

Simian: You know that isn't true! And down he goes with a sickening thud!




Simian: And the Stinger is writhing in pain. He may be in some trouble here.

Robby: Don't talk nonsense, Simian Rainstorm. I told you before, he's smarter than that, he'll roll to the outside or something.



Simian: Back to his feet now, being a little less aggressive, I think.

Robby: He's just regrouping, that's all.

Simian: PATTY CAKE SLAP! That's one of Alexander the Grater's finishing maneuvers! I understand he picked it up from a sumo wrestling in Japan!

Robby: But he didn't get all of it, Rainstorm, Stinger's still on his feet!



Robby: That big hick knocked him into the ropes, the Stinger used the momentum to deliver a big shoulder tackle!

Simian: The big man now off his feet! This could be bad for him!



Simian: And a little showing off there from Stingray.

Robby: He's got a right. And now he's putting the boots to him!



Robby: And look at Grater! He's a coward, he's got a big yellow streak down his back!

Simian: A minute ago, you suggested Stingray bail out!

Robby: That was different! When the other man's bigger than you, sometimes you have to take a powder, but when the other man's smaller than you, it's just running away! Now he'll probably grab that chair like the coward he is!



Simian: Going for a dropkick to intercept Stingray while exiting the ring.

Robby: And tell me that's not cowardly! But at least he missed it!



Simian: And what a backdrop on the outside! This could finally be justice for Mike Haggar!

Robby: NO! NO! NO! Disqualify him, ref! That's a concrete floor!

Simian: You know the ref has no control out there.