Well, we’ve got another multi-story issue this time. But the average quality is a bit higher than the last couple. Also I accidentally deleted my notes so I don’t have the credits on hand, but the title story was drawn by Herb Trimpe and… not
good Herb Trimpe.
Uatu kicks things off this issue by showing my own ignorance of Captain America (a character who I really like, but really only follow when he’s in a team book), talking about the time he was approached to act as a third party candidate for a presidential election. A position he turned down as he was busying himself Avenging, and making those who oppose his shield Yield.
I don’t know if this was the outcome of a big Cap story, or just a one-off gag. It was apparently in issue #250, according to the narration box, but that’s all I can say about my knowledge of it.
But regardless, this is Uatus school bus, and he’s driving, so let’s see what happened if Captain America DID run for President under that flimsy pretext!
As it turns out; he really should have done this years ago; based on a platform of “I will unmask myself if elected President” (the question of how public Steves identity is used to be pretty murky waters) and “I am literally Captain America”, Steve absolutely
smokes both Ronald Reagan and Jimmy Carter at the poles. Really helped that every superhero was quick to endorse him, even as they claimed to be apolitical.
(Reed Richards
claimed to be apolitical, but half the decisions he made in the first few years of FF were based on one-upping the Russians)
Also his running mate, and VP was a guy named Andrew Jackson Hawk, which I really thought was going to turn out to be a thinly disguised Nighthawk, but nope; being a black congressman who had Hawk right in his name was just a coincidence.
Anyway, mirroring reality to an extent, and in what is easily my favorite moment of this issue, just after Cap is sworn in, William Hinkley tries to assassinate him. And Caps reaction to the gunman is to
throw the secret service agents to the ground to protect them, then chase after Hinkley himself and escort him to a hospital where he can get the psychiatric care he needs.
The Secret Service guys then realize they’ve just landed the safest job they’re ever going to get.
Also, Cap follows through on his other political promise by publicity revealing himself to be Steve Rogers during his inauguration to which the world collectively says “Oh… okay.”, which is also great.
Another political promise (which Uatu phrases in a much more problematic way) is addressing Americas energy crisis and reliance on petroleum by funding and building a massive orbital solar collector, powerful enough to provide free energy to the entire country forever.
All in all… Cap is easily the best president the countries ever had. The closest thing his cabinets ever had to a scandal is him pitching in to support a rebel uprising against a tyrannical regime in South America (again, lost my notes so I don’t recall which country involved; or even if it’s a real place; let’s say… Madrigal). The other members of congress don’t want to support the rebel uprising because Vietnam only still a fresh wound and the idea of getting involved with a mess like that again wasn’t high on anyones to-do list. Luckily, neither does Cap and his support is just giving them a bunch of Tony Stark designed laser guns, that use that solar collector to shoot big ol’ Independence Day beams at people.
So he does, and that rebel uprising goes great (ain’t nobody wants to get Emmeriched), and Cap is invited to the new President of Madrigals mansion to reward him for his aide.
And Cap goes, because he’s a good sport, and wants to foster healthy relations with this new regime he installed. And besides, he feels an odd kind of kinship with the new ruler; like they were very similar people who grew up in different countries.
And he didn’t really have as much time as he would have liked to have kept pulling on
that particular thread before he’s knocked out and chained in the new presidential dungeon. And the new president of Madrigal takes off his mask to reveal that he IS like a mirror of Cap from a different set of circumstances; because it’s the friggin’ Red Skull!
The Skull explains that he had the rebel leader secretly killed and replaced months ago, and Caps generous donation of advanced laser weapons really sped up his takeover of the country; which would have been bad enough, but the Skull also learned how to reverse engineer the lasers power source; instead turning the solar collector into a gargantuan orbital death-ray aimed squarely at the US!
Luckily, Red Skull is going to Red Skull, and he spends so long monologuing after he hijacks every TV in the world to brag about his absolute victory over his hated enemy and his impending destruction of America, that he fails to notice Cap… umm… shimmy his legs out of his cell, grab his shield with his feet and kick it straight up and through his chains.
Guys I read this comic two days ago and I’ve been stewing over how this sequence is supposed to have happened and I got
nothing.
Anyway, Caps free, he’s looking at a nazi, and he wastes no time in just absolutely wrecking that critter. He takes the time to reverse the solar cannons aim so it’ll destroy the mansion he’s in, and otherwise goes all out fighting the Skull so he won’t have a chance to reset the canon himself; even as the space lasers burns the entire countryside to ash.
Cap leaves the world as he entered it; just beating the absolute hell out of the worst nazi in the world.
Later, Caps
still warm Shield is interred in Washington as his former VP eulogizes Cap because, you know… he would. But on another plus side to Caps term, we got a Black president 25 years early.
BUT DID IT HAPPEN?!?
As I said, I really like Cap but have read very few comics he’s starred in. He’s quite famous for occasionally being so disgusted with the US Government that he dropped all associations with America from his name, and did take over for SHIELD, but that’s supposed to be more of an international group. No political aspirations that I’m aware of.
Next up we have an unadvertised second story of
What if Man-Thing Had Ted Sallis’ Mind! Which presumably Jimmy Shooter didn’t think would sell as well as the Cap thing, since there was no indication it was even in this issue until I saw “The End” on the last one with only half the issue read.
And Uatu doesn’t think it’s that great of a draw either as the first thing out of his mouth is not blaming you for having no idea who Man-Thing is, and gives a quick recap on his whole deal (scientist was working on a new kind of Super Soldier serum, injected himself with it, and coincidentally fell into a magical swamp containing the Nexus of All Reality, turning him into some kind of
Swamp Man-Thing; who is a completely unkillable lump of mush who is basically mindless, drawn to powerful emotions, and sets things scared of him on fire.
To be fair, I’d be scared of a mush-man who is setting people on fire as soon as they’re uncomfortable with him too
Anyhow, as this story goes, one of Sallis’ lab partners who knows what happened to his buddy has a theory about reversing the transformation, but couldn’t communicate it to the soldiers assigned to kill the swamp monster on the crimes of… setting people on fire all the time, and wound up dying as a result of trying to save the Man Thing from the soldiers firing at him.
WELL, this time, he does a better job of talking down the soldiers before any gun violence could happen, and their commander agrees to let the doctor try, figuring that, worst case scenario, he’ll be killed by a rampaging swamp monster, and best case, he’ll have the means to create new unstoppable bio-horror super-soldiers. It's basically the plot of Resident Evil 2.
Anyway, a few weeks pass, and the scientists plan does, in fact, work; Man-Thing can't properly communicate (he lacks anything resembling a mouth, and can't really operate a keyboard or pen with his big gross muck fingers), but he's clearly regained his old intellect. That's the good news. The bad news is that he didn't get any of his old morality with it and his monstrous new body brings a monstrous personality with it ; Sallis is full of cunning, devoid of empathy, completely invulnerable and chock-full of the energy from the Nexus of All Reality.
And the worst news is that while the lab assistant was busy creating an indestructible swamp blob mad scientist, the army was busy studying Man-Thing themselves and figured out how to replicate the transformation themselves; so they pull the plug on the lab and have the lab assistant killed to cover up all lose ends.
This story is really coming down in a VERY different place from the last one in regard to positive portrayal of governing bodies.
Anyway, Sallis doesn't care about his former friend being killed, he's just concerned with getting back to the swamp that spawned him so he can absorb more of the Nexus' power and use it to conquer the rest of this world, and all points beyond it; and uses his Swamp God powers to also murder all the soldiers so that they won't be able to make any new Man-Things to challenge his conquest; as he heads into the heart of the swamp.
Unfortunately for Teddy, the army wasn't experimenting with making *man*-Things, they were making
CROCODILE-things! And the Croc-Thing they proved their serum worked with broke free of the lab during Sallis' attack and also made its way to the Nexus; before Sallis could get there; and was similarly empowered.
So the -things, both Man and Croc fight, and are pretty evenly matched; and Sallis' intimidation from seeing a giant anthropomorphic crocodile made of fungus overpowering him causes him to panic a bit; and All that Knows Fear Burns at the Man-Things Touch.
And that translates to Sallis accidentally burning himself to death; leaving the Crocodile-Thing as the sole protector of the Nexus of Reality
BUT DID IT HAPPEN?!?!
Just got in under the wire for this one, but yep! The(very) recent Curse of the Man-Thing miniseries concludes with Ted Sallis renegotiating the terms of the magical ritual that made him Man-Thing; leaving him a goop-monster and protector of the Nexus, but restoring his full sentience (and also a new villain stealing Man-Things abilities in order to wreak a terrible vengeance upon the world). Ted's a LOT more sympathetic here though, as it's implied that spending decades sitting in the passenger seat of your own body as its turned into a plant monster really gives you a chance to re-evaluate your lifes decisions.
Oh, and there's another Eternals back-up story; this time the bunch that went to space before fight a Kree Sentry; but it's not Sentry 459, so I don't care. FOUR FIVE NINE FOR LIFE!
NEXT TIME: What Are Birds?
