Make sure you don't hurt nobody. Let's Play Barkley: Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden!

Not exactly a humble crowd, are they?



Yes, good job on the game. It sure was a game.



I don't think that portrait ever showed up in-game, did it?



Yeah, coders aren't usually known for their drawing talent. It is a sad truth.



Sprites, on the other hand, are pretty easy to manage.



How'd they hire that guy? </derpface>



At least they got a lot of testers in. Good for them, testing is incredibly important to a well-designed game.



Special thanks to you, for reading through this ball of concentrated insanity.



MEDIC! MEDIC! DOKTOR!



No thanks to you, Truckpump! WHERE'S MY REWARD!?



I'm pretty sure they have no intention of releasing that game, but if they do, I would totally LP that as well.



Oh yeah, once you beat the game, you unlock the Victorian Steampunk mode! This replaces the character portraits and changes their names. I'll show off some from my abandoned playthrough.



Sir Bakley, our antiheroic protagonist. Now with a dashing top hat and monocle!



His noble friend Balthane, disguised as the Supreme Cogblight.



The Geardwarf, inquiring as to the location of Hooprick Bakley.

And Clock Carter 2050, a man so damaged that they had to use clockwork to heal him.

Well, it's been fun! I have a feeling that no LP I do in the future will top this one solely by merit of the game itself. Really, I can't add anything else to the game's own content. But it was fun (if way too easy), and I do hope you enjoyed it.

Next Time: The Magical Realms of Tir na Nog: Escape from Necron 7 - The Revenge of Cuchulainn: the Official Game of the Movie - Chapter 2 of the Hoopz Barkley SaGa

Thank you for this. I am a changed man.

This was a great LP, man. I look forward to your LP of the sequel...if it even exists.

I don't know if I can go back to the way my life was.

IF YOU CAN'T SLAM WITH THE BEST THEN YOU CAN JAM WITH THE REST

I guess it's okay to post all of my stupidly amazing (or amazingly stupid) fan theories as to how the plot worked out now, isn't it? I think I'll do that, then! Let's start with the relatively sane and work our way up.

Theory #1: Barkley is capitalism

Think about it. Barkley's greatest desire being not his wife, his child, or his hobby -- but valuable dosh from the remains of a ruined empire? This, my friends, indicates that the only reason Barkley has been fighting for b-ball is because of the massive profit it generates. His ultimate goal in saving Hoopz, to market his seeming quasi-immortality/ill-defined Messianic position, and keep capitalism alive even throughout untold destruction. This is also why Barkley has stayed alive for so long -- as the avatar of capitalism, his body is immortal, only destined to die of aging when capitalism has done the same and communism takes over. Which will probably be never, now that Barkley has saved Hoopz, and with him, himself.

Theory #2: The Space Jam distorted the flow of history

The reason Barkley is alive, everyone's portrayal is so wildly inaccurate, and barely anyone seems to acknowledge the sheer stupidity of the situation, is all because of the Space Jam. In 1996, everything changed. After the cataclysmic events of that fateful day, the Dark Ages of the world were replaced by the story of a Messiah with a culturally stupefying name, Barkley was really born in the 2030s, and the Chaos Dunk came to be. History was scrambled and destroyed when the Space Jam occurred.

Theory #3: Barkley is Tomoharu Kikuchi

Majin Tensei II: Spiral Nemesis is a MegaTen game that maybe one or two people here, if I'm lucky, have played, but in any case, it's a theory so it goes here. A major portion of the story is based around time travel, so it fits in with the previous theory, but also, the primary stage for the game's events is a place in time called Megalopolis -- the city of the future created after the destruction of Tokyo. The important thing here is the date -- A.D. 2052 Megalopolis. And this is just a year before the events of Shut up and Jam: Gaiden (2053). My theory here is that, rather than taking any of the game's normal five endings, the protagonists somehow performed a Chaos Dunk (one of them was even a b-baller in high school, supposedly) and irresponsibly destroyed Megalopolis to end the crisis. The sheer power of the Chaos Dunk blew up away everyone's identities, and someone became Charles Barkley, which explains the weird age stuff, and Megalopolis came to be known as Neo New York. Furthermore, the characters in Shut up and Jam: Gaiden occasionally speak Japanese, which they by all rights shouldn't. Perhaps memories of their past lives?

... Man, I like this game way too much, especially because I hate time travel. Next theory.

Theory #4: B-ball necromancy

The second destruction of Neo New York was not perpetuated by Charles Barkley, or his shadow, but by an ancient evil lurking within the shadows of the Universe -- the Lord of the Mind, Ulyaoth (or another Ancient of your choice). He chose one particularly powerful warrior as his herald, and granted him the powers of Magick B-Ball that would prove necessary for the spreading of his goals. Somewhere during the course of history, the Space Jam was brought about, and resolved, by his hands, and after this time the B-Ball Lich cast aside his previous identity and came to be known as Michael Jordan. After that, he manipulated the people of New York, and then Neo New York, into doing his bidding, before finally receiving the order from B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. (actually a front for Ulyaoth/Xel'lotath/Chattur'gha) to kill Barkley, take his B-Ball Energy, and use it to finish everything. Unfortunately for him, Barkley had received the power of the opposing Ancient through the various legendary b-balls that I can't possibly keep track of. After defeating Jordan, Barkley's Chaos Dunking power only increased, allowing him to defeat Shadow Barkley (actually a disguise for one of the Ancients).

Theory #5: Barkley is Barkley

This makes no sense. Shut up.

Anyway, an awfully long post, there! Past this, I just want to say: amazing LP, Kalir. You've done the world and humanity a great service. Also, b-ball.

Greatest LP ever?

Good job Kalir, it was a fun ride.

Did I black out and miss the bonus for picking the dick answers thoughout the game? Was is that bit with the whistle? I forget.

Anyhow, AMAZING LP. That game. It sure was a game.

Thanks! And no, the reward was being able to access the Deathtemple. Normally, I would have just gotten a standard gameover, but since I'd chosen all the dick answers, I got sent there when I died instead.

*claps*

Any word on a sequel?

God, I wish Space Commander Frasier Crane was a real game.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Man that was such a great LP! The best parts:
1. Updated like every day.
2. Finished the game.
3. See one and two.

Thanks for all hard work Kalir! That was a ton of fun!

Awesome work. Definitely one of the best fan game/parody RPGs.

In conclusion:

what is this i don't even

This just reminds me that Steel died.

Agreed. Thank you so much. I might add it to an LP archive at some point (if the LP archive will let people add LPs other than the ones from Something Awful) it's just that great. You may have even inspired me to do an LP of...well, let's say it's one of the earlier Burnout games.

I dunno if they'll accept non-SA ones, but we're starting to organize an LP Archive of our own. Check the topic over here if you're interested.

Thanks, everybody, again! Fun times were had by all!

this game is glorious all over but I think this might be the line to end all lines. I can't even handle it!!

Clispaeth bless you, this LP was the best. Great game, great delivery! It's time to slam jam!

This game is the absolute limit of crazy fun times.

I thank you for shepherding us through the beautiful disaster that is Barkley: Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden.

I finally remembered where I knew the Balthios sprites from. After the LP ended, naturally. He's Slash from X-Kaliber 2097, a game that I've never played past the first stage.

Good god that is s stiff looking game.

I thought science had learned all that could be learned about slams and jams. But this game has taught us that we know nothing of jams and less than nothing of slams.

X-Kaliber is a good game to play if Actraiser 2 wasn't frustrating enough for you.

and... T-rex Barkley gives me nightmares. I'm guessing the dinosaur sprite is from Primal Rage, which would explain why it's so creepy and stupid-looking.

And now we know where the idea for Basquash came from...

So, is Tales of Game's Studios Presents: The Sewer Goblet - The Wu-Tang Clan and the Wu-Tang Baby next?

I've beaten it, and I'm terrible at roguelikes. Inspectah Deck makes it comparatively easy, though.

It's really buggy, at least for me. It keeps crashing and corrupting savefiles, not fun. A shame, since I'm all about the Wu.

I'll definitely give it a look, because I love me some roguelikes (in case my next queued game isn't evidence enough) but I can't make any promises on an LP any time soon.