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Make sure you don't hurt nobody. Let's Play Barkley: Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden!
Back to Let's Play
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#211
09-27-2010, 05:16 PM
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 So naturally, we amble right forward without a care in the world. There is a trap, therefore we must trigger it.  Were you expecting the Full Metal Alchemist Convention?  Hands up, anyone who didn't see this coming. Then hit yourself in the face with these hands. Thank you.  One last showdown with Jordan is in order, it seems. Quote:
 Come again? Quote:
 One final showdown, between the man who ended b-ball and wants to restore it, and the one who turned his back on the sport but can't escape it completely. Quote:
 We're all wicked, but I'll be wicked rich once I've blown that inflated head off your shoulders! </asha>  This is the final fight with Jordan, one on one against Barkley. The boss music here is, as you may have guessed, Sweet Georgia Brown. Yes, it is absolutely incongruous.  Both ballers open up with their buff moves, as expected.  I don't know if Jordan is any stronger than the last time we faced him, but even so, a few Showboat Jams kicks our power up quite a bit.  Jordan has no b-ball, instead using his classic gun.  He also has an electric spell that does some decent damage, but Barkley's got so much VP that it doesn't even slow him down.  Adequately buffed and armed with the H/S B-Ball, Doubleteam tears through Jordan's health like nobody's business.  And before you know it, we've beaten Jordan at last.  Also apparently he knows Japanese? Quote:
Last edited by Kalir; 07-11-2017 at 11:04 AM. |
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#212
09-27-2010, 05:17 PM
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 And he collapses in a pile of either blood, Gatorade, or both. Quote:
 Or is there? Next Time: The B-Ball Dimension Last edited by Kalir; 07-11-2017 at 11:05 AM. |
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#213
09-27-2010, 06:08 PM
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Also the B-Ball Dimension is fantastic. |
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#214
09-27-2010, 06:39 PM
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Incidentally, tupperware is kind of a bitch about its copyrights, going so far as to slap a local cover band named "Tupperware Party" with a cease and diciest. They changed they're named to "Constantly Awesome," which I think I prefer. |
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#215
09-27-2010, 07:18 PM
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I think this is from the New Living Bible
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#219
09-29-2010, 05:07 PM
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 Yeah, shut up Cyberdwarf, we got sidequests to do.  For today, we visit the B-BALL DIMENSION!  Course it will. It's a musical instrument in an RPG, it has to have magical powers.  Bear in mind that you can only go to the B-Ball Dimension once, and if you do, you can't return, so be sure you're ready.  Course, you can head here as early as your first arrival in the outskirts of Proto Neo New York, which can make the battle sidequest maybe a bit tougher, but oh well.  Barkley uses the flute to play his own rendition of Sweet Georgia Brown. Incidentally, the music when Jordan dies is a JRPG tragedy restyling of Sweet Georgia Brown. The name of the song in the game files? "Hilarious Georgia Brown".  As he concludes, the howling of winds can be heard...  NOCTOWL used Whirlwind!  BARKLEY was swept away from the battlefield!  And that's the obligatory "you are playing a video game" lampshade out of the way. For, what, the third time now? Quote:
 As the group soars through the portal, voices can be heard. Quote:
 Too bad they're mostly saying stuff that means nothing. Quote:
 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the B-Ball Dimension. The B-Ball Dimension, plotwise, is some sort of afterlife for ballers, refs, commentators, coaches, and anyone who has dedicated their life to this sport they love. Mechanically, it's three sidequests and one last alignment choice to seal the deal for our reward.  When you want to leave, talk to Anthony here, but be warned that you've used up your whistle already, so there's no coming back.  Barkley decides to chat with the locals, most of which are b-ball stars in their own right, for info on the events here. Quote:
Last edited by Kalir; 07-11-2017 at 11:05 AM. |
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#220
09-29-2010, 05:09 PM
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 The arena is the first sidequest we'll handle, just north of Lemon, but first let's talk with Dick Vitale over here. Quote:
 Same old dance as before here. Deny Vitale the neo-shekels, and you've gotten all the alignment choices cemented.  Quote:
 That was fun, but let's move on.  Here's where you can register for the tournament. Quote:
 This game chooses to be consistent at the weirdest times, and Barkley can't help but sign up for a chance at a golden (maybe even Incan) b-ball.  That prize is as good as ours!  As if on cue, Garnett turns up for some pre-battle trash talk. Quote:
 A brief fanfare (which does loop after a short while if you're doing something like, say, transcribing messages) sound to alert us to the start of the match. Quote:
 Naturally! If it's not taking place in a large open area with no cover, it's not balanced and therefore shouldn't be used!  Quote:
 Now, here's the dirty secret of the arena...  It's piss easy. Seriously, three of the encounters can be dispatched with a single Forward Jumper.  Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride, ain't nobody gonna sloooooooooow meeeeeee doooooooooown  Oooh, adjectives! Last edited by Kalir; 07-11-2017 at 11:06 AM. |
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#221
09-29-2010, 05:10 PM
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 The Doomhell Skele has a jazzy tapdance routine, but that's all he's got.  Bisected, son.  Anybody here play Battle for Wesnoth? The new ghoul portraits are, pardon my Swahili, freaky as all fuck.  But back on topic, this is the third enemy, I guess.  Granted, if I had the Hell B-Ball I may not have won, but with double dribbled legendary balls this guy is toast.  Quote:
 Second verse, same as the fi--  Hey, uh, isn't he supposed to be dead?  Not to worry, though. The Delmon Master takes forever to make his turn, and I'm pretty sure he kills himself with it, but oh well.  I'm reminded of Kingdom Hearts somewhat. I hated Kingdom Hearts.  But enough about that, let's go fight Kevin Garnett! Quote:
 Okay. Let's see if I can kill this guy by just doing forward jumpers.  Still does good damage, so reckon course!  Pump Fake lowers our speed, which is about the least threatening thing he could do.  Dipsy-Doo Dunkaroo has a chance to both damage me and lower my Guard, but it only did the latter. Last edited by Kalir; 07-11-2017 at 11:06 AM. |
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#222
09-29-2010, 05:11 PM
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 The Dojo Kick stings a bit, but by this point, it's over anyway.  This is the level at which Barkley will likely end the game. Hooray!  I've got a fist full of spine and a head full of mad! Quote:
 I'd like to see you avoid spitting on people when trying to talk while coughing up blood, buddy.  Well, hey, it was our fault, so yeah, probably.  Sidequest over, where's my prize?  Hooray!  Quote:
 The Mithril Jersey isn't as good as the Shrekmono, but it's serviceable in its own right, especially since both Barkley and Hoopz can use either armor.  Maybe this place is like Asgard and you come back to life when you die in battle here?  Anyway, time for sidequest number two!  Remember those Tamagotchi toys that you had where you took care of a virtual pet? Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden has that too, apparently. I didn't pay much attention to this on my first playthrough, so let's see where this takes us.  I don't know if Matt Guokas was actually Barkley's coach, but whatever, he is a coach and now he is in a b-ball ranch.  Let's learn all about raising b-balls! Quote:
 Well, I'm not much of one for this sort of thing, but hey, why the hell not? Last edited by Kalir; 07-11-2017 at 11:06 AM. |
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#223
09-29-2010, 05:13 PM
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 Well, first things first: let's feed it.  None of these are very expensive, so let's get the best of them!  I, uh... okay?  Yeah, there's nothing to be gained from this. You get a similar response each time you feed, water, or train the b-ball.  So unlike the other two sidequests here, this one's got nothing of merit to it. Moving right on, then!  Let's ask this here fellow about the last attraction here! Quote:
 Oh man this cannot help but be hilarious.  I wonder if they've got anyone Barkley would like? Quote:
 Wait, we're going to be doing this as Cyberdwarf? YES DO THIS NOW THIS WILL BE AWESOME.  haha aw yiss  As with the hunter quest, this one plays a fanfare and has this flashy logo turn up. What makes it even funnier is that the fanfare is identical to that of the monster quest.  Can't be too picky in his case, I imagine. Quote:
 Sounds like we got ourselves a contender!  Eesh. Compression has not been kind to your looks, lady. Quote:
 So, for those of you unfamiliar with how dating sims work, the basic framework is that you just choose responses to the things your digital belle says to you. These can range from the intimate to the inquisitive to the lecherous. Last edited by Kalir; 07-11-2017 at 11:07 AM. |
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#224
09-29-2010, 05:16 PM
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 In this case, the best answer is always the first one. I haven't tried seeing what the obvious dud answers do here, but I think the most hilarity can be gleaned from answering with the top result. Quote:
 As in real life, the best answer is usually the one that looks more into her personality and interests. Show that you're interested in her and all that.  Another trend for dating games? Well, since they're almost always Japanese in origin, and they tend to favor docile women, the "shrinking violet" archetype is a staple of them. Note that the dating service operator is named "Moe"? They didn't pick that name out of a hat, I'll say that much. I dunno what kind of woman Ivory is in reality but I'm pretty sure she's not this meek. Quote:
 This leads to you feeding them compliments until they grow just enough self-esteem to throw themselves onto you. No, I'm not a cynic. Why do you ask?  Quote:
 The phrase "fishing for compliments" comes to mind. Quote:
 This is how the game shows off her dunk: extreme zooming in. You can laugh if you want to. I'm doing it.  I can't fathom what kind of person would abruptly switch to the second or third reply after choosing the obvious complimentary ones all this time.  Cyberdwarf, you sly devil, you. Quote:
 Me, I'd more likely choose the more offhanded responses if this was in real life. Hey, it's the moon. Quote:
 Actually, I don't know if these responses all lead to the same thing here, because as previously mentioned, the top answer is always the best.  Did you do any drugs while you thought about these things? Do you have some of these drugs on you? Quote:
 I think we've got a win here, boys and girls.  She looks way better when she's not baring her fangs at you. Also, this scene comes with a loud kissing sound. You're welcome.  Is that so? Last edited by Kalir; 07-11-2017 at 11:07 AM. |
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#225
09-29-2010, 05:17 PM
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 That's honestly kind of creepy but I guess some people are into girls like that? Anyway, Cyberdwarf's strongest armor.  Awwwwww happy end! Quote:
 Meanwhile, back in the lobby, where Barkley and Balthios have been teaching Hoopz how to play Texas Hold'em (or so I like to think)... Quote:
 Another gift?  Oh. I guess they had a camera or something.  And that's the dating sidequest done!  The Tupperware Armor is the strongest in the game, taking Cyberdwarf's Guard to absolutely stupid heights.  The Bromide, meanwhile, lets us view a picture of the kiss scene any time we want.  Anyway, let's cap this off with a different kind of truck pump rant. See, all the rants save for the first one and this one just preceding it have been taken from actual forum posts. This one has too, but it's a decidedly different sort of forum post... Quote:
Last edited by Kalir; 07-11-2017 at 11:08 AM. |
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#226
09-29-2010, 07:43 PM
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#227
09-29-2010, 08:49 PM
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Metarefences may not actually be humorous |
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#228
09-29-2010, 09:05 PM
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Now you did not get the post about the pump not getting the joke.
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#230
09-29-2010, 09:16 PM
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Jesus, the thread's collapsing in on itself.
We all got the joke. Whoever wrote the message that was co-opted for the last Truck Pump's dialogue, of course, did not. Let's all go home now. |
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#231
09-29-2010, 09:34 PM
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This game is the best satire that was ever also a video game. Although Cow Clicker could give it a run for its money.
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#232
09-30-2010, 07:46 PM
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Gotta see that applebottom.
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#235
10-01-2010, 01:31 PM
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 It's been fun, guys, but we gotta wrap this up.  Well, it sure was a trip. Quote:
 Back through the vortex one last time! Incidentally, it appears to randomize the color each time you go through. Quote:
 And we're back on terra firma... or the closest analogue.  I go save and heal up, but y'know, I think this game's been a bit too easy on me. Nothing's really caused me to break a sweat, not even tackling the secret boss early.  Let's see if we can't make things a bit more interesting.  Just past the court where Jordan's corpse still remains, we come across the master of B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. and the Ultimate B-Ball. Quote:
 So we're playing Persona 4 now? Quote:
 To be fair, he kinda killed a few million people when he did it. Quote:
 So guys, do we accept the final boss' genocidal plan, or do we turn him down and have a Texas-style bar brawl?  I think you all know the right answer here.  Which is why I'm not picking it right off. Heehee! Quote:
 Barkley merges with his shadow self completely.  Hoopz rushes forward, unable to believe it, and is instantly struck down.  The end of the world is now heralded by two halves, each capable of the Chaos Dunk, merged anew... Last edited by Kalir; 07-11-2017 at 11:08 AM. |
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#236
10-01-2010, 01:33 PM
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 The world is doomed... Only death awaits Charles Barkley now...  Hang on, what?  Oh dear. Remember how Kazaam said that only the most despicable of people ever get to the Deathtemple in Hell? Well, we're here now. This is the Deathtemple in Hell, populated by the writers of the game and a few of the people they know. It's like that secret room in Chrono Trigger, only a lot dumber.  There is music here, but I'll let this fellow spell it out. Quote:
 Most of the people here tend to have some pretty stupid and/or offensive stuff to say, so I will be posting each one here for you. Quote:
 I, um... good for you.  Chef Boyardee is the guy who's chiefly responsible for the game I've been playing and you've been enjoying (or secretly loathing, I won't judge).  This must be the graphics guy, I guess.  Lazy much?  Good for you! Don't let your name in the text box push you around!  Well, I'm not normally the sort to go for gaming mascots fallen from grace...  But hey, why not? Let's take a quiz, guys!  Well, I'm tall, thin, and have a tendency to devour fish with my long beak, so I think the second one fits best.  Who?  I have nails in a toolbox! They're all gray! Last edited by Kalir; 07-11-2017 at 11:09 AM. |
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#237
10-01-2010, 01:34 PM
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 These all seem sort of forward for a first date, but if you insist, I may as well make it one to remember with his "scropem".  I try not to dwell on such times.  One would think this would be a prerequisite for Barkley, but the polar viewpoints offered here would suggest otherwise!  I'm at the edge of my seat!  Curses! My heart has been led on once again!  Remember, only idolts do "targ"!  Whatever you say, person I have never met before!  Oh boy, game recommendations from the vidcon master himself! Quote:
 But I don't want to die!  Yeah, to get here, you need to somehow die after completing all the alignment choices. Since the only good way to do that is from the final boss, they helpfully offer you a chance to die anyway. How thoughtful of them!  Meanwhile, in a more canonical universe, Barkley prepares to throw down while the title music plays to amp up the mood.  Come on and slam!  Here we go, the fight against Shadow Barkley himself!  Looks like our weapons are good enough to severely damage him even without our defensive gear.  On the other hand, his Shadow Lightning packs a bit of a kick to it as well. Last edited by Kalir; 07-11-2017 at 11:09 AM. |
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#238
10-01-2010, 01:35 PM
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 Let's keep Hoopz on his feet, since he was hit hardest.  The boss can heal himself and cure status ailments with Moon Regeneration, but that's not really a big deal.  Kinda underwhelming fight over here, man.  Dark Vortex hurts a lot, but it's nothing we can't handle.  We keep up the assault, and Cyberdwarf's healing easily outpaces the damage Shadow Barkley can do.  Welp, that was easy. Maybe next time I'll stick to my starting equipment the whole game.  Meanwhile, here is a cutscene.  Y'know, you can skip cutscenes by pressing Start twice? I had no idea! And this was a game back when "Little Bush" actually existed! REVOLUTIONARY!  Oh. Of course, this is an RPG, so the final boss has a minimum of two forms, no matter how out of place the second form may be.  ...what. Yeah, this is Shadow Barkley's final form. A T-rex with a devil-horned Barkley head on it. This game, man. This gaaaaaame.  Hoopz, stop being useless with your regular attacks!  Whoa, okay, that hurt. Tail Whip does some severe damage to a single foe.  The brute also has Doomfire Death, which can instantly kill two of your party members. Scary!  To boot, he also has a truckload of health, so it'll take a while to whittle him down.  Additionally, using Chomp Chomp, Yum Yum, he can drain a bunch of health from a target. Last edited by Kalir; 07-11-2017 at 11:10 AM. |
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#239
10-01-2010, 01:37 PM
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 Even so, we have enough supplies to outlast him as long as we need to.  He can buff a random stat quite a bit with his Battle Roar.  Here's what happens when Hoopz can actually land a hit with Mega Shot. Not too bad.  I think if a certain stat gets buffed too much, it can't go any higher. Not like it matters here. Y'know what? This is a foregone conclusion already. Even without any more BP, we've won. Let's try that Golden Potato.  Hang on a minute... where did it go? Where's my Golden Potato? Yeah, turns out I accidentally the save file with the Golden Potato. Whoops. I'll make it up to you by posting a video of it in effect.  How about some Chicken Fry instead? Yeah, you done for now, boy.  SMOTE!  Heck yeah, son! No armor or accessories and we still made the final boss our dinner!  Of course, you'll never ever see a final boss admit defeat. Ever. Quote:
 Barkley suddenly becomes deadly serious, ordering the rest of the party to flee to safety. He can't possibly be thinking...? Quote:
 On the way out, the Monstars ambush the group! They're back from the Space Jam somehow? Quote:
 They're not afraid of one puny zaubermancer.  But Balthios isn't gonna go out without a fight.  Cyberdwarf and Hoopz escape without any further problems. Quote:
 Looks like they're still not done, though. What could Barkley be planning? Quote:
Last edited by Kalir; 07-11-2017 at 11:10 AM. |
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#240
10-01-2010, 01:38 PM
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 Oh man, here it comes. The legendary dunk that could kill a god: the Chaos Dunk!  Right off the bat, howling winds and clouds herald that something terrible is about to take place. Never mind that they're in a space ship.  Rain and lightning begin a torrential downpour over the area.  As Barkley starts his jump, he glows with an incredible energy and the very earth (or metal flooring, whatever) becomes undone by his power.  As he takes off, a siren from the earth below heralds the approach of the incoming Chaos Dunk.  His flipping ascent through the stormy cloudy sky continues, fueled by nothing more than his b-ball energy.  He even breaks through into space, where the sirens of Earth can no longer be heard. I guess Necron 5 is in the atmosphere?  His re-entry brings the Dunk itself, hurtling with the force of an entire galaxy, downwards toward his shadow...  And upon landing, a massive explosive force rips through what remains of the ship...  Annihilating the leader of B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S.  Fortunately, Hoopz and Cyberdwarf managed to escape just in time. Quote:
 Hoopz may be innocent, but he knows that he wont see his father for a long time.  Hey, good question. What exactly will happen to them now? Quote:
 Chapter 1... COMPLETE!  Oh yeah, who rocks? We rock. Let's watch the credits. Last edited by Kalir; 07-11-2017 at 11:10 AM. |