Make sure you don't hurt nobody. Let's Play Barkley: Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden!

I'm pretty sure that "Wildman" is not based on a real basketball player but rather one of the guys you can play as in Barkley Shut Up and Jam! (not Gaiden)

My favorite V-kei is Dir en Grey's Yokan.

True story: I tried to put together an amateur band in Fukushima with these two guys who had each been playing for only a year. They wanted to cover this song. Before I heard the song I was like sure, these guys probably would select something that they can actually play. I was on bass, which is like twenty times more complicated than the other parts in this song...needless to say that project did not bear fruit.

AGREED. Also, is it me or do the truck pumps look more like toilets?

Without further ado, let's get to exploring the building. Maybe we'll find a hamburger or a croissant, or if we're really lucky, a cup of lifenoodles!



This is the door sealed off by the terminals at the entrance.



The enemies around here aren't too tough. The Mech Gatorades do decent damage, but lose a part each time they do so, until they self-destruct, and the Mutant Ballers haven't got any tricks that Kobe and Dekembe didn't have.



Good call. This isn't a fantasy setting where relics are kept in treasure chests or anything. There's lots of other stuff to find here, some of which is actually pretty neat.



Most of what we find is stuff like this progress report, however.



There's a few funny dialogues for rooting through the trash cans here, and they occasionally have items stored here.



Hello, what's this?



A muscle weapon, eh? How effective is it?



Not bad. The weapons here are a bit of a mixed bag, but the Dwarfbane is pretty solid.



Isn't that the file format the Arfenhouse games were in?



At this point in the game, the random encounters aren't very tough anymore. Cyberdwarf's new weapon lets him take down single targets with a jab-kick-punch x2 combo, and the rest of the characters are no slouch. If I want to get really crazy, I can break out Bulletdance and Wind Zauber. Honestly, the only real threats past this point are the bosses, and after Ghost Dad, they only get tougher. I'm showing off Cyberdwarf's Suplex finisher here, which I believe lowers Guard but honestly I don't pay much attention to the finishers.





B-ball glands?



Searching searching searchi-- hang on, there is a guy there!

The screen fades away, and when it comes back, Leonard's gone.



After looting some b-ball juice (an item that recovers all VP), we find more progress reports.

Is that anything like the difference between masonite and OSB? Cuz you'd think super-smart scientists would know to avoid mistakes like that. (if you're confused, ask me later)



Nuts. Maybe if we had a super-savvy hacker on our team, we could fix them, but no such luck.





The next room has the red keycard we need. Hot time!



As soon as we start back, though, Hoopz starts acting weird.



Hold on, what?



This must be a flashback to earlier times.



Davis is strolling back and forth, marveling at the progress made.



And then the surprisingly bishie (yes I hate myself for using that term) Doctor Cosby turns up.



Seriously, dude looks like a black Sephiroth.



Cosby storms out.



And Davis does not care.



Meanwhilst!



Oh man why didn't I check the vending machine sooner?!

Chicken Fries, as mentioned earlier, are the strongest healing item in the game. I failed to mention just how powerful they are, though. They're like Megalixirs hopped up on Phoenix Downs. A single Chicken Fry heals everyone in the party, dead or alive, to full VP and BP. One nation under chicken fry, indeed. I buy two of them, but no more, because they're very costly.

Like any good vidcon-themed elevator, doing this causes the whole building to rumble for a moment.



New enemies! Slam Phantoms can heal and boost the Brain of anyone in play, but they're not very strong aside from that.



They display an uncanny resistance to Bulletdance, however.



Wind Zauber puts them down, though.



The red key is needed to access the right side of the Spalding building as well as to open the elevator.



Barkley initially disregards this computer, but Hoopz fixes it right up.



Zounds! But can it compete with the might of the Snail Zauber?



Hell no. We could buy this thing way back in Cesspool X if we wanted to.



Leonard's still hanging around here.



And he's gone again. What a weird dude.



It's another place to use a key. This one's not lit, so it needs the black key. Duh.



Hoopz wants to look up more sports stats, but we're too busy looking up progress reports to do that.

I dunno about you, but an answer like that, to me, is the hallmark of a true philosopher.



Egad, yo!

The group stares at the screen as the test subject performs.

Incoming flashback from the rear! Drop altitude!



The two doctors use the viewscreen to examine their test subject.





With a movement quicker than the eye can see, the test subject unexpectedly slams with the power of a thousand suns, causing thunder to strike inside the building and causing the terminal to suffer a massive explosive failure.





YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP!



The echoes of the tragedy even persist to this day...



At Barkley's request, Hoopz gets the terminal active again, and on the main screen...



Oooh, it has meters and a percentage and everything!



Oh, Barkley. You so crazy.

Yeah, we can get rewards for turning in the F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N. to either party, and reportedly you can kill the Square-Enix-Goya representative if you give it to him if you want it back, but apathy reigns supreme and I will just equip it to Hoopz.



And can you really blame me?





I choose to believe the typo is preserved as a tribute to Final Fantasy X's young hopeful child who wished to be a blitzball. Shine on, you crazy diamond.



At this point, levels only bring higher stats, and no new skillz, but since the game is relatively short I'm going to keep showing off each level-gaining victory.



Hooray, the second thing!

Hang on, man, there's a terminal in the back, Hoopz has to have another flashback.



That's more like it.





Cosby is fed up with Davis' relentless pursuit of b-ball excellence with such disregard to danger.



Good on you. Don't get yourself into any more trouble.



Leonard what are you doing



Run, Cosby, run!



Well, dang.



Leonard, ignorant to the true power of the prototype, accidentally sets off a massive b-ball reaction...



Killing both him and Cosby.



And that is where Ghost Dad comes from. FOR MACHINES.



Meanwhile, Hoopz finally gets some in-character payoff from these flashbacks.



You can't tell me what to do. I'm gonna put in the blue key and YOU CAN'T STOP ME.



Fortunately, my impudence is punished only by another earthquake, which goes away after activating the elevator.



The elevator takes us to the top floor, where a meaningless encounter and Leonard both await.

The group decides to confront Leonard with the truth about his existence.



Oh good, I was worried he'd do one of those crazy poltergeist freakouts and we'd have a midboss on our hands.



The world may never know. And I don't care because woo keycard!



To the exit!



Oh, right, he did mention a Master or something.



I guess this guy is the CEO of Spalding? Well, okay, weirder things have happened in this game.



Let's get down to business.



Hi there, buddy! Do you like bullets?



No he does not.

Creelman is the glass cannon of the bosses. His defenses are very low, but the Kamikaze Jam shown here does high damage. It was enough to oneshot Hoopz, and I bet even Cyberdwarf would be left reeling from it.



Muscle Zauber is really a formality in this battle.



We use some Chicken Dew to get Hoopz back on his feet.



B-Ball Bash is a series of average hits. It's not nearly as scary as Kamikaze Jam.



Apparently, he has a healing move that he uses when he gets low, but a precision Holy Dunk cuts through his last VP before he gets a chance to use it.



Winning this fight nets way more experience than it warrants, enough for everyone to gain a level.



Hell B-ball? Sounds like something I heard about in Cave Story.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay





Creelman waited a long time for this moment, Barkley. And he wanted to fight to the death because he's an antihero in an RPG or something. Couldn't have stopped him with a stone wall.





A projectile flies out of nowhere and strikes Hoopz!



This guy's been trailing us all this time? Waiting for us to get the Ultimate B-ball so he could attack Hoopz when our guard was down?



I could go on about why Jordan really doesn't have any motive to do this whatsoever aside from being a dick, but come on. Barkley just used the strongest insult he knew, and that insult is apparently "baka". I can't top that.





Back in Proto Neo New York, Barkley begs Juwanna for any assistance she can offer.



And now we move on to the next area of the game, with Hoopz incapacitated.

Next Time: Actually, the next part of the game has two options to it, so I figure I'll throw it open to the forum at large.

If you like incongruous historical figures and quick time events, we will travel to meet the recluse by train!

If you like comically irrelevant character traits and boss battles, we will travel to meet the reculse by ferry!

THE CHOICE IS YOURS!

I took the ferry in my game. Train.

Is "both" an option? Because you should totally show both. Failing that, go with TRAIN.

This.

Also, it's manufacted slamicite, not manufactured. It's a Final Fantasy XII joke.

damn my spellchecker tendencies

Edit: Fixed that. Again, sorry about that. The one time I miss on preserving spelling errors...

Train.

Maybe it'll be a phantom train and you can free more spirits from ghost jeopardy!

Tough call. I do like incongruous historical figures, but not QTEs – and boss battles offer such possibilities for lunatic bosses on their own.

The correct answer is to save beforehand and show off both. Failing that, take the train. And suplex it.

Also, glad to see a Leonard reference sandwiched in there next to Ghost Dad.

This is just beautiful.

Also: Ferry, since I've already seen the train, or preferrably do them both.

I'm gonna be sad when this LP is over. Truly, this is a game blessed by the gods of b-ball.

Also, "baka" has to be the least likely insult ever to be uttered by Charles Barkley.

Both? (please?)

Let's take the ferry.

I'm probably just ignorant, but when I read the word "Goya" the first that pops into my head is the brand of beans my local grocery stocks.

I kind of thought that was the joke. That S-E merged with a really large, international food provider, and that was the final inroads to becoming an evil corporate empire.

Is there another meaning?

Yes, they mean that Goya. It's like MSNBC-PepsiCo-Walmart, but with dumber companies.

that's exactly what i thought as well.

I'll vote for the train, but maybe you can do the boat post game.

Probably not?

Between the rabid insanity and obnoxious saving point diatribes I just half-assumed it might be a reference to something else.

(Speaking of which, if those are real forum posts I want someone to hit whomever wrote them in the head.)

Both? Please?

trainz lol