Make sure you don't hurt nobody. Let's Play Barkley: Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden!

I've got five neo-shekels on Mutombo kicking your ass.

Okay, I don't get this. Jordan thinks that Barkley got to Manhatten, performed the Chaos Dunk, got back home and fell into a deep sleep - really? Plus, seeing as this is a futuristic place, with basketball-cops who have near limitless ability to invade privacy, why the hell are there no cameras everywhere?

Still love this game though.

Better question.

How much time travel was necessary to make the timeline for this game's backstory even work?

For all of these questions and more, I say what I said to my friends during our Skype reading of My Immortal.

"DON'T THINK"

Seriously, the loopholes and implausibilities that permeate (or even drive) the game's plot would snap your mind like a twig.

Don't think, fee-

*zauber'd*

Three neo-shekels on the Ultimate Hellbane being another baller person.

You've got me playing this game yet again! I can't help but crack up while playing it. I love the way it takes itself so seriously.

You know, I remembered that when I first thought up that question. But then I realized that it's so much more fun to try to make sense of the madness that is Barkley's one true love being Incan gold.

Into the B-Ball Catacombs! I'm gonna warn you ahead of time, this is a very text-heavy area thanks to all the relics and stuff. I'll try to only include the stuff that's noteworthy/amusing, though.



No sooner do we advance forward than do Barkley and Hellbane ambush a grim spectre of the catacombs! TO BATTLE!



The battle system of Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden, dubbed the B.A.B.B.Y. System (I am like 96% sure that does not mean anything), is about what you'd expect from a classic JRPG. Each character has the option to use attack techniques, special skillz, items, defensive techniques, and escape. There's a few ways in which it differs from normal JRPGs though. First, each character has multiple kinds of normal attacks available to them, and they all use a Paper Mario style of command to determine effectiveness.



Hellbane's zauber (you see now how I mistranslated it, yes?) grants him three moves. Of these, only the basic Zauber Slash is really worth using most of the time. Zeta Scan is occasionally helpful, and Stab Dash is basically a waste of a turn. For Zauber Slash, just mash the Action key (default Z) repeatedly as Hellbane fires a projectile from his zauber. Stab Dash has you time presses of the Cancel key as the slash marks on the screen turn red, and Zeta Scan doesn't have any actions related to it.



Barkley, on the other hand, uses b-balls for his normal attacks (although he's using a soccerball here because basketballs are contraband). Free Throw lets him throw two shots at foes, and he can change targets with each one, making it useful for finishing off weakened foes, but it doesn't have perfect accuracy. Pass has decent power, but even worse accuracy, so I never bother with it. Both of these use the Megaton Punch style of meter to determine effectiveness. Jumper has three variants: Straight, Forward (more damage, but lowers Guard), and Fadeaway (less damage, increases Guard). It's what I usually use in fights.



You just got slammed.

(I have no idea what the Ultimate Hellbane is doing in his victory pose. The best guess I've heard is one-armed pushups to show how dedicated he is to his training.)

We head north from there to another room and another battle.



The second change from the norm in JRPGs is that each character has a unique action for their guarding move. Barkley has a standard damage-reducing guard, where he takes only a third of the damage from the next attack, but the Ultimate Hellbane instead delivers a counterattack if he is attacked while guarding. It's not something that frequently comes up, since offense is almost always a better choice than defense in this game, but it's nice to have that bit of flavor. Text unrelated to screenshot, which shows Hellbane attacking with his Fire Zauber (not the spell Flame Zauber. Yes, it is sort of confusing.)



There are two sacrophagii here, which the pair examine!

Shorefadowing! Maybe? Don't remember. Let's check out the opened one.

This conversation would be a lot more sensical if they hadn't already fought a ghost and a zombie. Who am I kidding? It's still not sensical.



Heading back down and to the right, we find this enemy and a three-way intersection. There are actually two ways through this level, but I recommend going down both for the loot and experience. Plus, more dialogue! I head southwise first.



But first, fighting these Ball Brains! That one used a Head Slam move or something, which lowered its Speed and did some damage to Barkley. It's a nice touch that the enemy sprites change after using certain attacks, even if they're all goofy as hell. Afterwards, we examine the sarcophagus for more hilarious times.



Hooray, there is a statue!

Also, that enemy down there is another pair of Ball Brains. This time, though, they used Contaminated Gatorade to inflict Montezuma's Revenge on Barkley, which halves his Guard for three turns. It goes away after battle, though, so I ignore it completely. Anyway, statue!

St. Teresa, patron saint of slams and jams? Uh, okay, whatever you say.



Oh man, time for some ridiculous exposition!



Hooray, a thing!

BBall Shards are a powerful BP restorative item. Since healing points are sort of infrequent in this game, they're nice to have. (on the other hand, healing items are frequent, so bluh)



BBall Tears are weaker than Shards, but still useful, especially once your characters get more BP. That's something else to note: recovery items and techniques in Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden are percentage-based.



This is how a lot of the sarcophagus scenes go: some brief parting words to the person in the tomb followed by a BBall Tear. I have no idea if they're being truthful in the statements here or if they're just making stuff up, but it seems valid enough to me. For the most part, anyway.

In our next fight, both our characters gain a level! Barkley picks up a new move, Showboat Jam, which boosts one of his stats at random and deals significant damage, and Hellbane gets the Water Zauber move, which inflicts diabetes (read: poison) and glaucoma (read: blindness) on all foes in the fight. These moves are both pretty helpful in the upcoming boss battle.



Nah, it's just a rusty disco ball.



MORE TOMBS! MORE GRIEVING!

Actually, I kinda forgot to write down the stuff for the right one. It wasn't particularly memorable anyway and we just got another BBall Tear from it. The other one is a bit funnier though.

And a lesson about true friendship was learned.



Meanwhile, GRATING! DANGEROUS GRATING!



Yeah, just don't sprint across.



As in Earthbound, if you attack enemies from behind, you get a free turn. The reverse is true as well! Unlike Earthbound, though, enemies have generally predictable movement patterns, so you can actually do that frequently without them spazzing out and running into you anyway. I screwed this one up by missing my sprint and hitting the wall.



The Ultimate Hellbane clarifies the purpose of this pool as a commemoration of all the ballers who were completely lost in the purge, such as Shaquille O'Neal.



I dunno man, normally figures of destruction and rebirth aren't quite so thorough with their work. Got to leave something behind to start the rebirth and all, y'know?



There are lockers in the wall you can loot, which have equipment. These two lockers have a Volleyball and a Jersey, stronger equipment for Barkley. They go right on.



This particular statue has the ability to fully heal us just by touching it. This is why I recommend taking the lower path first, since just beyond it...





BLOOD AND SOULS FOR MAKHLEB!

The Dread Ref is a sort of miniboss for the area. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, such as Technical Foul, which causes a character to miss their next turn, and Knife Boot Face Gash, which lands about five or so hits on a single character. Rather than show off these moves, though, I decide to go blitzkrieg on this guy.



FROZEN MIST, COALESCE INTO A BLADE TO STRIKE DOWN EVIL! </jrpgbattletaunt>



Ice Zauber freezes the foe, after which Hellbane moves in and lands a single powerful hit on the enemy, doing as much damage as you can see in between this screenshot and the next.



The techs in this game are all really good, but they tend to be expensive as well. Keeping cost in mind is important for lengthy fights.

Not to be outdone, Barkley decides to break out his new move, Showboat Jam!



You can almost hear the crowd cheering and the cameras flashing as he slams that ball. Incidentally, Power is probably the most useful stat that can be boosted by Showboat Jam (the least useful is probably Brain, since Barkley has expensive skills and very little BP to use them).



FLAWLESS VICTORY.

Moving on, we loot some Protein Pastes from that locker. Protein Pastes are a weaker healing item than Ecto Coolers, but still useful. Afterwards, we check out the sarcophagus.

wat



JESUS CHRIST IT'S A KOBE GET IN THE CAR



Compared to the Dread Ref, Kobe is a pushover. He's only noteworthy because he can heal himself with the combo of Devolve/Evolve, and that takes two turns anyway.



I don't even bother with techs on this guy, although he does pack a punch with his Balla Dash.





Moving on, we get to the truck pump (and the Bapes accessory, which I replace Maureen's Ring with for a Speed boost). I ignore the truck pump in favor of doing anything else.



For example, playing with the vending machine!



SCIENCE-RIFFIC!



I play Engineer in TF2 and put all my stats into Crack in Iji. You better believe I'm hacking this thing.



Damn you, vending machine!

Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden loves to throw red herring "game elements" into the mix, if only for a casual reference (in this case, to System Shock). There's no way to gain or keep track of science points, but every vending machine in the game gives this option.



Screw you, truck pump. There's more catacombs to explore!



Oooh, a thingy!



This is a sliding tile puzzle. I think you all know how they work, so I'm not going to explain them. I will give my tip for those of you playing along at home: it helps if you set up one third of the puzzle to be solved beforehand. In my case, I decided to set the top row so that I could easily slide all the pieces into place once the bottom parts were done. It's probably better to complete the bottom row first, though.

I AM MOST DANGEROUS MAN IN HISTORY OF WORLD



Awesome! Gatorade Gum permanently raises the Vitality Points of whichever character you use it on. I give it to the Ultimate Hellbane because he has the lowest defensive stats in the game, except maybe for the last character to join us (and the Ultimate Hellbane is more useful than him anyway).



Afterwards, I go over to the other side and loot more lockers. They contain two Chicken Dews, which are even stronger revival items than Steroids. Not as strong as a Chicken Fry, though. Also, level 3, which brings Hellbane the Wind Zauber technique.



Which, incidentally, I use to clean out the next random encounter. (I tried running, but you only get a small period of mercy invincibility, and the enemy chases you anyway, so I just got into the same fight a second time. Boo!)



Wind Zauber launches randomly aimed attacks a number of times equal to the enemies on the field, and then hits them all with a final attack. It works wonders for clearing out encounters full of enemies, like this one. The last attack hasn't triggered here yet, but when it does, it'll take out one of the Ball Brains and severely wound the other two.



On the way here, I looted three more Ecto Coolers. There's nothing gameplay-wise beyond this point, but I want to read more stuff. This urn was vandalized, and the Ultimate Hellbane takes a moment to mourn the knowledge that could be lost to the ages, such as...

For those of you hoping to pick up the Hypno Dunk, it's not available in the game. There's not even a Sleep status effect, the closest analogue would be Stroke, which disables a character for a random number of turns. Actually, pretty much all the status effects are patterned after modern disabilities, although the one for Asperger's Syndrome is purely cosmetic. It's probably there to dilute the attacks that cause random status effects.

I didn't screenshot the next urn, but the text says all that needs to be said.

Startling social commentary on history lost through bloody strife, or goofy-ass misinterpretation of existing history for comedic effect? (hint: it is definitely the latter)



I think we were supposed to start from the other side. Bluh.



Yeah, now we're mixing up Egyptian and North American history with basketball shenanigans. Good job, Hellbane.



Oh hey, we're done! Wheeeeeeeeee back to the truck pump for more diatribes!

Okay, wow, that was a bit ridiculous. Don't worry, later areas aren't nearly as text-heavy, or if they are, it's with more hilarious text than this.

Next Time: Jamming with Cyborgs

It's not the existence of this game that baffles me, but the fact that it is a complete product.

I am more baffled by the fact that the Looney Toons and co. are real in this world.

While being utterly rediculous this game makes me nostalgic for the brief period in time I cared about B-ball. Back in the 90's When Barkley was playing for the Suns, and Jordan and the Bulls were their unbeatable opponents.

Those were great days for slams and jams.

I love this game way too much.

Man the next update is going to leave you babbling in a ditch.

What weirds me out the most is finding out I wasn't the only person who ever played that X-Kalibur 20XX SNES game.

Oh man, is ProStars going to be real too?

Ah, what the heck. It's Labor Day, innit?



This update brought to you by asiago cheese bagels. Warning: this LP was made using a game with high amounts of exposition. Those allergic to exposition should consult their reviewer before use.



Yeah, be careful. As soon as you enter this room, you can't go back to the other areas unless you die in the upcoming boss fight, and since it's preceded by a big-ass story scene, you don't want to do that.



Symbolic! Also there is a benevolent spirit blinking in and out of existence there. I'm glad my screenshot captured it!



Hi there benevolent spirit!



SHOCKING REVELATIONS!



The spirit of Lebron James speaks to Barkley.



Barkley leaps up, visibly startled, by this news.



The what? We have to find a Cyberdwarf?

It's no good, though. After giving this warning, Lebron's spirit vanishes from the world.



I like how Lebron didn't say a thing to Balthios at all. Not even a last heartfelt goodbye or even "man you were such a dumb kid". Ah well.



Oh, right, there's a boss fight, isn't there? But Lebron's spirit has already left the world...



Oh, okay. This makes PERFECT sense.



And now for the first in a long series of tense battles I forget to heal before!

The B-Ball Monster, however, is not so tough that entering the fight in tip-top shape is vital. It is, however, a good idea.



Let's open this up by crippling him with Water Zauber.



Bah! Two misses?! I'm calling my lawyer!



My bad luck continues when Barkley has a boost to Brain, of all stats, when doing his Showboat Jam. Curses!

The Juke Spinner attack switches between Barkley and Balthios and does a series of fairly weak attacks. Not really much to worry about, honestly.



Even so, it does some damage to Balthios, so I use his Flame Zauber spell to take off the edge.



Barkley uses his Doubleteam skill to shoot at the foe with his volleyball from the front and the back. It lands like seven hits, and after a few buffs, it's decently dangerous. It still packs a kick even without much in the way of buffs.



Oh, I guess I was wrong! B-Ball Tears are stronger than Shards? Way to be intuitive with the early-game handouts, game.



Moving on...



If the B-Ball Monster braces itself, it will do a lot more damage with even the Juke Spinner. Your best bet is to toss another Flame Zauber its way.



Fun fact: even if you haven't made it to the boss yet, using an item on Balthios gives this same message. So, uh, hope you don't need to heal Balthios before he reveals his identity.



B-Ball Twister does decent amounts of damage, but it's still not the most dangerous attack.



Okay, this is the most dangerous attack. Mega Jump turns the monster invincible for one turn, which gives you enough time to activate your guarding techniques or heal or whatever. Once you do...



The monster crashes down with a mighty quake. True to the description, Barkley takes the brunt of the attack in stride, and Balthios counters with another zauber strike.



Before too long, though, the pair emerges victorious!



This is not the victory music. However, this is.



Awesome. We're going to equip this on Barkley as soon as this cutscene is over.



Yeah I'm kinda confused about that too.



Here's the next area of the game: the Neo New York Sewers. On the upside, these are probably the least annoying sewers in the history of games.

Better and better! Unlike Barkley, Balthios' battle sprite doesn't change when he equips new weapons. However, his attack animation when countering and using the Zauber Slash does change.



Vending machine, annoying idiot save device, and... hey, what's this thing?



I think it likes us!



A cyborg? EVEN BETTER!



Man, I don't even know what this would be like. I will say that this scene makes me smile every time I see it.



Why yes I would like a cyborg ally.



Meet Vinceborg 2050, kids! Now, statwise, he's inferior to Barkley, and he only has one skill in his list, Refractor Beam. But his skill and attack? Totally freakin' crazy. Vinceborg is always welcome on this team, even if he's usually going to have Barkley's leftover equipment. His defending skill is a recharge that replenishes a small amount of BP and VP, which is pretty neat!



aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Y'know, I'm willing to bet that it didn't hate Final Fantasy X because of the actual gameplay, but because you start with two sports stars as your playable characters. (I can't stand the gameplay but I have a soft spot for Wakka)



Inside the actual sewers are more fights. Notice that I fail to heal myself. I ARE GOOD PLAYER. The whistles here have a dangerous attack that can inflict Strokes on the whole party, plus they can self-destruct. The ball spiders are no pushovers either.



But we got your number, pal.



YOUR NUMBER IS LASER.

Vinceborg's default attack can be moved around the battlefield using the arrow keys. It will deal nine hits in a row to whatever the crosshairs are currently on. You can use this to sweep through the flimsy Ball Droids littering the area, or focus the beam on a single foe for loads of damage. Or both! The damage is pretty consistently around the range shown here for each hit, meaning that Vinceborg is the best member of our party right now.



In other news, I suck at healing after fights.



Here are the aforementioned Ball Droids. They're dodgy little punks, so most of Barkley's attacks will prove useless against them. Additionally, I think Balthios' Zauber Slash does nothing against them. Fortunately, Vinceborg can vaporize them effortlessly.



Everyone hits level 4 during my wandering. Barkley picks up the life-draining Vampslam move, and Balthios learns Thunder Zauber, which will pretty much replace Ice Zauber from here on out.



There are two paths you can take here. I don't remember where the left one goes, but you want to take the right one first anyway.

A Vulture draws near! Command?



Nah, man, I'm poking fun at Dragon Quest, not SMT. No talking allowed!



Fascinating, dude. Barkley's patience for the whole town is already exhausted, so he just tells the vulture to move it.

Welcome to the town of Cesspool X, home of the animal people! There's a few things of interest here. Firstly, getting new equipment for the crew. Second, meeting the fabled Cyberdwarf. Third and fourth, a pair of sidequests to get Barkley a new technique, Balthios a new weapon, and some other stuff as well.



But for now, we got stupid stuff to do.

Confused what the vidcon in question is? Reference for her pleasure.

Next Time: Poetry Slam

dude you gotta stop polishing those balls

This LP is fucking awesome.

I didn't even notice that boss was made of b-balls until the Ball Twister.

My favorite little detail about this game is the fact that every battle starts with the message "It's time to slam jam!" Something about that just makes me smile EVERY TIME.

I played through most of the game in one long, glorious sitting awhile go, but I never beat it. A great job of covering it is being done here! Enjoying it, and looking forward to eventually seeing the ending. I think I stopped like one dungeon short, foolishly.

I have used the phrase "god damned animal people."

BEST. GAME. EVER.

Sorry, all other games. But when a Monster-Made-Of-Balls encounters a baller and shouts "BAAAAAAAAAALLLLLSSSSS" at him, you just can't top that.

And this.

It's shouting "b-balls," not just "balls."

We all know where the emphasis is though.

Heh, even though they keep talking about B-Ball in this game, I took it as a startled stutter.

"W-What? B-b-b-b-BAAAAAAALLLLS!"

also kind of hear it like a basketball zombie is saying it.