Make sure you don't hurt nobody. Let's Play Barkley: Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden!

Kalir · #91 09-09-2010, 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bongo Bill

You'll be a disgrace to your profession if you don't do this. DO IT OR I'LL CUT YOU.

I'm referencing a guide to make sure I'm not missing anything critical and it doesn't say anything about a key in Cu Chulainn's tomb or that door. And this is the same guide that I learned about the Deathtemple from. If I find anything in the tomb that looks like it might do that, I'll give it a shot, but no promises.

Also, two things I've encountered but have forgotten to comment on.

1. Hoopz's defensive move is a dodge, which nullifies the first attack he receives after he guards.

2. When a character goes "...fine", the text scroll pauses briefly after the "f".

Stiv · #92 09-09-2010, 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shivam

oh man, hoopz is the kid from streets of rage 2.

His character portrait is from the SNES Shadowrun, if I remember right.

Alpha Werewolf · #93 09-10-2010, 01:45 AM

Holy crap that song is rad.

McClain · #94 09-11-2010, 12:49 AM

dude, the game got might sweary all of a sudden. It's like a kid doing creative writing and suddenly realizing no one is going to come down on him for cursing so he does it way too much. Yes I speak from person experience.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kalir

2. The music for this fight may be familiar to those of you who played Blue Dragon. For those that have not, listen to it during this update. It is ridiculously cheesy. We're talking Tenacious D levels of cheese here.

Holy shit I know exactly what you mean

Rosencrantz · #95 09-11-2010, 01:11 AM

Regarding the locked door:

First of all, once you go to Proto Neo New York, there is no way to get back up to the sewers. Secondly, there is no hidden key in the Tomb anyway. There is, however, a second locked door that says you need the key, but again, it does not exist and is a joke.

Trar · #96 09-11-2010, 11:50 AM

This LP is great, Kalir. Keep it up!

Comb Stranger · #97 09-11-2010, 01:35 PM

Onward, to South-East Sub Proto Neo New York!

Trar · #98 09-11-2010, 03:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Comb Stranger

Onward, to South-East Sub Proto Neo New York!

Aww, you stole 100th post. ...never mind, it's not important.

Kalir · #99 09-11-2010, 04:09 PM

Warning: today's update has gratuitous swearing, inaccurate history, cross-dressing, Drizzt Do'Urden fanfiction, and just a hint of Bill Cosby. Viewer discretion is advised.

This guy just next to the truck pump asks for a few neo-shekels.

If you want the evil reward, you'll have to deny him the money.

I never understood what made people think panhandling was that profitable anyway. The income is like no more than a dollar per person. Surely there are actual jobs you could take that would get you even a little more than that. I guess if you haven't got a home to call your own it becomes harder to get jobs like that?

Anyway, the actual building is apparently the office of Dr. Allard. I notice a few of those god damned animal people and opt to avoid them in favor of the relatively normal looking guy with one eye.

He's a bit ill-tempered at the moment.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr. Allard's Setup

<Barkley> What's up? What's wrong with you?

<Rigby> My... my fucking eye, can't you see? I work in the sewers. I'm a plumber. So this bolt shoots off a pipe hits me in the eye and when I fucking get here they make me wait. I'm gonna go fucking blind and this doctor has me waiting so he can see all these freaks who want to be turned into goddamn animals. Goddamn animal people get in when I'm... when I'm bleeding out of my fucking eye. Mother-fucking bullshit. He... he can't do this. It's my EYE for fuck's sake. Someone should teach this bastard a lesson. Fucking animal freaks get in 'cause they walk in with pockets stuffed with neo-shekels... I'm the one with the emergency and I get the shaft. Fuck this place.

Fascinating, but likely irrelevant to our travels.

On second thought, a doctor might not have been a bad idea.

After a fight or two, the group hits level 6. Cyberdwarf picks up the Dwarf Caress ability, which heals all the people in the group, and Hoopz picks up the TrickGun Assault skill. Hey, speaking of, I haven't demonstrated Hoopz's skillz at all. Well, I'll be sure to fix that.

Here's the path we need to take to get to Proto Neo New York.

Fascinating stuff! This guy also sells some weapons and healing items, if we need any.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Toll to Proto Neo New York

<Suit> It's a decent situation we have down here. It's gone without a hitch for a while now. So. 5000 gets you a round trip. Down the ladder once, up the ladder once. How's that sound?

<Barkley> What! 5000 is an outrageous price, there's got to be another way down there...

<Suit> Not a chance. Pay up or shut up.

We've only got like 2500 on us, so this isn't even an option unless I decide to farm enemies, and frankly, screw that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by No Money, No Passage

<Barkley> 5000? You must be out of your mind, punk.

<Suit> That's the price. 5000 or you're not getting through. Dr. Allard's rules.

Well, then, I guess we'll have to go see this Allard and give him what for.

But first, let's do something we'll regret and talk to one of the people around here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by This Is Why I Don't Read Fantasy Novels Anymore

<Barkley> Are you talking to me, kid?

<Dan> Can't you see I'm writing a Drizzt Do'Urden fanfiction, or as the fanfic community elites say, "ficcie"? I'm waiting down here for my turn to be operated on by Dr. Allard. I've managed to save up enough money to have my skin dyed completely black, much like that of the nefarious, subterranean race of elves called drow. My aim is to have enough money to look completely like Drizzt by the end of the year, although I'll have to scrimp and save more than I'd like...

<Barkley> I should probably lea-

<Dan> If you want I can read you some of my poetry about Drizzt. This is one I like to call "Ranger of Kindness".

D - Deflects incoming attacks with a swipe.

R - Read about him in a book.

I - Interesting/dapper fighting style.

Z - Zazzy pivots and dodges.

Z - Zero tolerance for bugbears.

T - Twin scimitars cut swathes through the night.

D - Dangerous lava caves.

O - Ovations he receives for his heroic deeds.

U - Utilizes sommersaults to block attacks.

R - Ricochet with a bow or arrow.

D - Destruct all goblins but not for racism.

E - Enigma of few words.

N - Never stops helping friends and peasants.

<Dan> What did you think?

<Balthios> I enjoyed your subtle use of iambic penta...

<Barkley> Jesus, Balthios.

Huh?! Whuzzat? Whuzzat? A chest? I like what I see!

Not bad at all! This gives better defense than the Ace Bandage, so I give it to Hoopz and give his Ace Bandage to Balthios.

Speaking of Hoopz...

BULLETDANCE!

Hoopz's skills are all really good for their low cost. Problem is, Hoopz only has a paltry 30 BP to make use of them. Bulletdance, as you can see here, peppers the enemy with multiple shots. It's great for clearing out multiple enemies.

Kalir · #**100** 09-11-2010, 04:11 PM

Gun's Slay, meanwhile, offers excellent single-target damage as he goes in both gun's blazing.

Unfortunately, those two moves cost Hoopz most of his BP, so I have to use a restorative item before I can show off Status Shot. Note that his BP has to be completely full to use TrickGun Assault.

Hoopz rolls into place and fires a single shot which does no damage and causes diabetes. Status Shot sucks. Water Zauber is way better if you absolutely have to cause status effects, since Balthios has BP to spare and Water Zauber hits all targets and causes glaucoma as well.

Back at Dr. Allard's office, his suits won't let us in to negotiate the toll with Allard. Dang, we're stuck here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr. Allard's Gate Toll

<Barkley> It's 5000 neo-shekels, Balthios. There's no way I'd pay these thugs a damn thing, and I definitely wouldn't pay 'em 5000. It's extortion, and I'm not gonna tolerate that shit. I say we go rough up that punk at the gate. And hell we should probably go teach that Dr. Allard and all of his goons a lesson while we're at it.

<Balthios> Charles, you can't just go around beating on anyone and everyone you want. What they're doing isn't right, but-

<Barkley> You're damn right it isn't. People come down here to escape from shit on the surface, Balthios. And once they make it down here they've got to deal with this Allard and his thugs. Forget it. I'm not going to put up with it.

<Balthios> So... you're finally showing some sympathy for the sewer-dwellers.

<Barkley> I meant I'm not going to put up with it when it affects me and my son. It's hard enough to make ends meet in the post-cyberpocalypse, and that money could be put to use, not wasted on some bullshit toll.

<Hoopz> Dad, it's ok. I mean, let's just give 'em the money. It's fine. I don't want to see anybody get hurt. We can always spend less money.

<Barkley> Hoopz, I've taught you that sometimes people need to stand up for what's right, haven't I? Well this is one of those times.

<Balthios> Cyberdwarf, what's wrong?

<Cyberdwarf> Hmmm? Nothing, nothing at all. We just need to get a move on. The Spalding factory is our goal. Whatever you decide to do about this, do it quickly. We don't have the time to squander on these petty conflicts. B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. must be stopped.

<Balthios> You heard it, Charles. You decide what we're going to do. Either we pay the toll, or pay a visit to whoever we like. Dr. Allard or the gate guard. You also might want to find out who that 'Rufus' in the note is. All we know is a name, but perhaps looking into it could give us something we could use. In any case, choose quickly please.

There's multiple ways to solve this one, none of them too difficult. You can break through the guard at the gate directly, you can break into Allard's office, you can pay the toll...

Or you can find this guy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rufus

<Suit> Why you wanna know?

<Barkley> I saw a note someone left for you.

<Suit> I... wait, "you?" You don't even know if I'm Rufus or if it's someone else.

<Barkley> So you got demoted, huh? Expected as much from a sucker like you.

<Rufus> What, you wanna fucking go?

<Barkley> I'm always up for a game. But what I wanna know right now is how to get to see this Allard. I get the idea you don't like him too much either.

<Rufus> What are you planning on doing?

<Barkley> Maybe teaching him a lesson.

<Rufus> Shit... you're making my fucking day, you know that? That asshole sent me down here for one tiny mistake I made at the gate. Docked my pay too, not that it was much to begin with. So you say you're gonna go in there and mess him up?

<Barkley> That's the plan.

<Rufus> All right, tell the guards at the gate that When we get the final hardware, the performance is just going to skyrocket.

<Barkley> What's that supposed to mean?

<Rufus> I think it's something Allard said once. It's a code you can use to get through. Tell the guards I sent you and that "When we get the final hardware, the performance is just going to skyrocket," and they'll let you through. They'll know it came from me.

<Barkley> All right. Thanks for the help.

<Rufus> I should be thanking you. Dr. Allard's a real motherfucker. He deserves anything you give him.

I dunno if this lets you through both the toll gate and Dr. Allard's office, but I decide to do the latter because I feel like it.

Short and to the point. The thugs let us in to the man's office.

Candygram!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr. Allard

<Bodyguard> They just came in. Didn't say.

<Allard> You there. I don't believe you have an appointment scheduled. If you don't mind, I'd like to ask if you all could leave.

<Barkley> Can't do that, doc.

<Allard> And why not?

<Barkley> You run the gate. We need to get through it.

<Allard> There's a procedure for that, you know. Head to the gate, I'm sure the men there will explain it for you.

<Barkley> I ain't paying your gatdam toll, Allard.

<Allard> Oh really? Well, we'll have to talk about that. First of all, though, you know my name but I don't know any of yours.

<Barkley> It's none of your fucking business. Just open the game before your ass gets slammed and jammed.

<Allard> Oh wait, I remember you. From all those news reports. Barkley... Charles Barkley, is it?

<Barkley> Just let us through the gate.

<Allard> Charles Barkley, that's right. You're a wanted man, you know. Sirens have been blaring on the surface all day. We hear the echoes down here. I assume they're looking for you. Fifteen million. That's quite a bit of damage you did to Manhattan, Barkley.

<Barkley> That wasn't me you son of a bitch.

<Allard> Right. Whenever somebody comes down to the sewers, it "wasn't them." Regardless, you aren't in the best situation now are you? The police and the B-Ball Removal Department looking for you topside, and here you are in my office acting like you have some kind of upper hand. Pitiful. You and your friends there are at my mercy, and you come at me with threats. Do you have any idea who I am? I run these sewers. All of these rats bow to me. They need me. I'll give you the chance to turn around now.

<Cyberdwarf> Barkley, perhaps we shouldn't...

<Barkley> Shouldn't? He's a fucking tyrant and needs to be stopped.

<Allard> A tyrant? Hahaha. I'm a blessing to these rats. Here's a story for you: I wasn't always a doctor. I worked for a software company. We did computers, vidcons and things. I was groteqsue. A pasty, balding wreck. My physical form was flabby and weak... so I decided to change it. Clispaeth put me a disgusting sack of flesh, and so I went to work on it. I studied genetic engineering, plastic surgery, even fashion. I was bald, so I gave myself hair. I cut away my fat and grew muscle in its place. God gave me a body... I refused it, and made another of my liking. I destroyed God's plan for me, and made another of my own! And to these people in the sewers, I took his place. They come to me, sad souls imprisoned in pathetic husks. I am the one who sets them free! This time, I am their creator! I give them life, and so I claim these sewers as my dominion. And here you make demands of me. In these sewers, I am a god, and I am loved for it! ...You there.

This screenshot exists for two reasons: Cyberdwarf makes me chuckle, and holy hell man this is a long cutscene with nothing but text.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cyberdwarf and Allard

<Allard> Your skin. Leathery, patterned, doesn't look synthetic from here. Basketballs, I'm assuming?

<Cyberdwarf> Y...yes. It is made of basketballs.

<Allard> It's patients like you who I can fix. People like you come to me in shackles, and I liberate them. And all I ask of them is obedience, and of course, a modest fee. I am a doctor after all.

<Barkley> You're a goddamn lunatic.

<Allard> You're a stubborn one, aren't you. I gave you a chance. Leonard, take care of them.

<Bodyguard> ...Right away, sir.

This fight is such a pushover that the only reason I bothered screenshotting it was because I could use it to show off Hoopz's TrickGun Assault.

I'M A FREAKIN' BLUR HERE

That there is how much damage it did. TrickGun Assault is expensive, but it packs a hell of a kick.

I'M NOT EVEN WINDED

DIAGNOSIS: YOU SUCK

Actually, Dr. Allard is kinda difficult, because all but one of his attacks are pretty dangerous. Reportedly, he has an attack that deals three hefty hits, each with a status ailment infliction.

Kalir · #**101** 09-11-2010, 04:12 PM

Or rather, he would be kinda difficult if I didn't Muscle Zauber him from the word go. Damn, Muscle Zauber is ridiculous.

Dirty Needles is basically the same as Bulletdance: spammed attacks on all members of my group.

The biggest issue is Allard's high VP. Even hefty attacks like Showboat Jam and the like barely do anything.

I decide to try out Ice Zauber here for comparison purposes, but I'm thinking Thunder Zauber is the more effective, even if it costs 5 BP more.

This is Allard's dud attack. It comes with a "You Have Asperger's" soundclip and inflicts the Asperger's status effect.

As mentioned earlier, Asperger's is cosmetic. It causes the character to cycle between animations and shake a lot, but it has no affect on their fighting ability whatsoever. Any time Allard uses this is a turn you get to whale on him for free.

Cyberdwarf finishes him off before he can get off another attack. Easy.

OOH, YOUR GUN SHOOTS MEDICINE! S'INTIMIDATIN.

Moving right along.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Allard's Fate

<Balthios> Charles, your son's right here.

<Barkley> I've said it before. I am not a role model. Still, it was probably the right thing to do. That guy's sick. And look who's talking. You're the 'Ultimate Hellbane.' You're certainly not afraid of killing anyone.

<Balthios> My hands are not clean, but everything I've done has been for the people of Neo New York. Allard was a cruel dictator, but he's nothing like B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. Besides, he's called off his guards and promised to lower his prices for his surgeries. Surgeries that help the people down here, regardless of what you think of them.

<Barkley> He's a real slimy son of a bitch, though. He'll probably change his mind the moment we head down to Proto Neo New York. I just think everyone would be better off without him. But let's just hurry up and go. We've probably spent too much time here already.

With Allard out of the picture, we're free to go into Proto Neo New York.

All we have to do is climb down this ladder and-

HELP I TRIPPED AND FELL IN A QUICK TIME EVENT

This one comes up so fast that I only manage one of the three successes.

However, in this case, it doesn't kill us, just wound us.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rough Landing

<Balthios> Ah! Fu..! You need to watch where you're going Charles!

<Hoopz> Ow! I'm bleeding dad. I need some Ecto Cooler.

<Cyberdwarf> Hm? I'm fine. Must be the excellent shock absorption abilities of my B-Ball skin.

<Balthios> Well, the ladder's broken now so we won't be able to go back up.

<Barkley> Damn it... let's just keep going forward.

The damage you take from the fall is proportional to the amount of events you miss. Also, notice Balthios' non-integer VP value. Another slight bug.

Kalir · #**102** 09-11-2010, 04:13 PM

Cozy place, this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Setting Up Camp

<Balthios> I'll be the first to second that. My dogs are barkin', Charles.

<Cyberdwarf> I can keep going, but I still suggest that we stop to gather our bearings and plan some things out.

<Barkley> All right...

I wonder if this heals them and I didn't notice?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hoopz's Situation

<Hoopz> Dad, it's okay...

<Balthios> It's best that we got Hoopz when we did. There's no telling what could have happened to him at the hands of Inspector Jordan and as much as I hate to say this, he's safer with us, despite the situation we're in.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Barkley Turns Away From the Campfire For This One Line

<Barkley> ...B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. is and who did the Chaos Dunk and all this shit about the Ultimate B-Ball. It's just... bonkers.

A band of unlikely heroes, as it were. Or rather, a band of semi-probably quasi-heroes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Good Old Days

<Barkley> You're right, Cyberdwarf. I know you are. I just wish shit didn't have to be this way. I wish it could go back to when b-ball was b-ball with no shit attached and we didn't have to whisper every time we wanted to talk about Nike. It's like... the whole world's just fucked.

Maybe so, Hoopz.

Quote:

Originally Posted by History of the Cyberpocalypse

<Barkley> Hoopz?

<Hoopz> Dad, I've been meaning to ask you... what's the Cyberpocalypse?

<Barkley> Well Hoopz, I don't really know how to explain it to you. I'm not really a religious-

<Cyberdwarf> 2000 years ago, a Jicklebergian freedom fighter was crucified by the British Empire in an event that is now known as the Boston Massacre. His name was... Clispaeth Ryuji Atuck.

<Hoopz> You mean... THE Clispaeth?

<Cyberdwarf> They are one and the same, Hoopz. It is shocking for many to give context to Clispaeth's historical relevance, but he was indeed real. He was the leader of an army that was fighting for the freedom of Jickleberg from the British Empire. The backlash of the Boston Massacre was tremendous; armies gathered underneath the banners of Clispaeth's remaining disciples to fight the British Empire. They fought. They fought for the duration of 666 years, until both sides were destroyed and the whole world obliterated. This was the Cyberpocalypse, and we are living in its consequences.

Before Barkley can finish his sentence, though, a spoooooooky cackle echoes through the area!

Guys, we just fell down a ladder, we are in no condition to fight off monsters!

Great, let's run in the exact opposite direction and never speak of this again.

Or we can do that. That's cool.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Escape!

<Barkley> Who's there?

<???> Do it or he'll get you! Quickly!

<Barkley> I don't know what the hell is going on but we'd better do it.

The group ducks inside the nearby house.

Damn it Barkley, why can't you ever just be grateful to people saving you from terrible fates?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Barkley's Mysterious Saviour Mk. II

<???> Shhh! Quiet! He will hear us!

<Barkley> Wh-who?

<???> The... Ghost Dad.

<Barkley> Just tell me what the hell is going on here!

<???> K-keep it down! He's still here! Can't you hear him?

* "Ominous" laughter

<???> Shit...

* Silence

<???> I think... I think he's gone now. That was close. Charles, I haven't see you in a long time.

<Barkley> What? I've never seen you in my life.

<???> You don't recognize my sensual curves and delicate frame, Charles Barkley? I was once the talk of the WNBA. Oh, but I suppose that the loose b-ball energies have ravaged my body and time has ravaged your memory.

<Barkley> Ju... Juwanna? Juwanna Mann? It can't be you. You were one of the first killed in the Purge! What happened to you?

Okay, even I know enough about this reference to know that this is just wrong.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ghost Dad in Proto Neo New York

<Juwanna> ...b-ball energy levels down here were so high that all who were exposed became... b-ball mutants.

<Barkley> Juwanna, I had no idea...

<Juwanna> Nobody did, not at first. But that's not even the worst of it.

<Barkley> ...the Ghost Dad.

<Juwanna> I don't know who he is or where he came from, Charles, but he's terrible. He haunts the streets of Proto Neo New York looking for victims for his sadistic whims. We were already miserable, but before the Ghost Dad came, we could at least be miserable in peace.

<Barkley> I'm really sorry, Juwanna Mann, but we're only here because we're on our way to the old Spalding building. We're not here to stay.

<Juwanna> Heh, the old Spalding building. Want to relive your past glories, huh? That's a shame, Barkley.

<Barkley> A shame? Why?

<Juwanna> Because the old Spalding building's cut off by the fog. Don't even bother trying to stumble through that shit, you'll just get lost and wind up back here. Trust me, we've tried to reach it and... we lost a few men. It's because of the Ghost Dad, Charles. He's causing the mist, and I'm sure if you destroy him you can clear it out. Your only real option is to go into town and accept the hunter quest on the bulletin board to defeat the Ghost Dad and help clear out the fog.

<Barkley> Bulletin board? Hunter quest? What's all this?

<Juwanna> Ask Ramirez. He's standing next to the hunter quest bulletin board and he's an expert. He can get you started out as a monster hunter.

<Barkley> It looks like we've got no other choice. We'll accept the hunt quest and kill the Ghost Dad.

<Juwanna> Thank you Charles... I mean it. Thank you.

Whatever you say, man. Let's get that quest taken care of.

But first, we will saved our game.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Truck Pump

The Vidcon Manifesto

by

Pump

1. All vidcons must be released alongside a minimum of FOUR limited edition wall scrolls. The wall scrolls will feature pictures of characters from the vidcon in the anime style. The only exceptions to this rule are sports games, which will not be released with any wall scrolls (as there is enough sports memorabilia to last its ignorant fans for a lifetime).

2. Only one vidcon per sport can be released a year. For example, there can only be one basketball vidcon, one football vidcon, one baseball vidcon, etc.

3. All vidcons with English voice acting must make Japanese voice acting optional. Furthermore, they must allow for subtitles. "Subs not dubs."

4. All RPGs must strictly adhere to the moe aesthetic (this may anger some Western RPG vidconners, but I barely consider them vidconners at all.

5. All vidcons must have a minimum of three beautifully crafted anime cutscenes.

6. All vidcons must be released alongside its full, feature-length soundtrack. In order to avoid confusion, the soundtrack MUST be called GAMENAME OST (for example Ar Tonelico: Melody of Elemia OST). It may not have any subtitles (for example Ar Tonelico: Melody of Elemia Rhapsody of Music Soundtrack). This rule does NOT apply to arranged soundtracks.

This is where the game really gets into high gear with total madness. Stay tuned!

Next Time: Ghost Jam

Healy · #**103** 09-11-2010, 04:28 PM

Man, Shut Up and Jam Gaiden is so great, and this LP is making me want to replay it so bad.

Satonakaja · #**104** 09-11-2010, 04:39 PM

Is Truck Pump satisfied?

dangerhelvetica · #**105** 09-11-2010, 07:14 PM

Quote:

<Barkley> I've said it before. I am not a role model.

McClain · #**106** 09-11-2010, 09:52 PM

Quote:

<Barkley> Ju... Juwanna? Juwanna Mann?

*twitch*

Best game ever? Juwanna believe it!

Kalir · #**107** 09-11-2010, 11:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Satonakaja

Is Truck Pump satisfied?

NOT ANYMORE

Trar · #**108** 09-13-2010, 08:00 AM

ZOMBIE GOAST DAD, LEAVE THIS PLACE

Great stuff, Kalir. I look forward to more.

Kylie · #**109** 09-13-2010, 11:55 AM

Is Dr. Allard supposed to be J Allard, of Microsoft fame? Because then that whole sewer level is a drawn out analogy to the internet, the freaks who use it, the animal people, etc. I assume the payment-to-enter sewer represents XBox Live Gold.

It also means that a single neo-shekel is worth a little less than 1 cent.

shivam · #**110** 09-13-2010, 12:02 PM

oh man. dr. j. J Allard. Dr. Allard.

i'm dying. you have slain me.

Trar · #**111** 09-13-2010, 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Byron

Is Dr. Allard supposed to be J Allard, of Microsoft fame? Because then that whole sewer level is a drawn out analogy to the internet, the freaks who use it, the animal people, etc. I assume the payment-to-enter sewer represents XBox Live Gold.

It also means that a single neo-shekel is worth a little less than 1 cent.

No, it can't be Xbox Live. There isn't enough carnage, pre-pubescent boys shouting swears and achievement far...no, wait, that's just TF2.

Stiv · #**112** 09-13-2010, 02:02 PM

GHOST DAD. My god, I love this game so much.

Aaron M · #**113** 09-13-2010, 02:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shivam

oh man. dr. j. J Allard. Dr. Allard.

Oh god. I got the Allard part, but I completely missed Dr. J.

This game is amazing.

Kalir · #**114** 09-13-2010, 03:03 PM

When we last left our heroes: TOTAL INSANITY.

Today, more of the same. Here's the hunter quest bulletin board, and that guy with the Leia haircut must be Ramirez.

Let's get the full tutorial experience here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hunter Quest

<Barkley> Huh? Yeah, I guess.

<Ramirez> Heh, greenhorns. Well, I'm sure you got a whole mess of questions just waiting to be answered. That's my job. Ramirez, pleased to meet you. Let's get started on the basics. That's the hunter quest bulletin board. It shows all the hunter quests that are currently available to you. Hunter quests are jobs or missions you can accept that require you to perform a task for someone, usually hunting down a monster. You got that?

<Barkley> Yeah.

<Ramirez> Heh, you're not as dumb as you look, kid, but don't let it get to your head. The bright ones are the ones that always think they know everything and do something stupid and I don't want to see that happen to you. You can see more information on a specific hunt by selecting it. You can gauge your hunt's difficult by its monster grade, which can range from E - weak to S - strong. I'd start with E rank monsters and work your way up if were you.

<Barkley> Okay.

<Ramirez> But that's not all. Once you accept a hunt, you still have to go and talk to whoever commisioned it. After that, the hunt begins. It sounds a lot more complicated than it really is, but you should try it out. Who knows, if you're smart and know what you're doing, you may end up a real hunter after all.

Right now, we're only able to accept the Ghost Dad quest.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Ghost Dad Hunter Quest

<HunterQuest> ...York! Help us get rid of him and maybe even the fog on the road to the old Spalding Building will clear up!"

-Juwanna Mann

I think it goes without saying that we will be accepting this.

Sweet, it comes with a fanfare and flashy intro logo thing and everything!

Anyway, let's go back to Juwanna and iron out the details.

Ah cripes, which house was hers again?

Not this one. But there is a person here, so let's chat!

Friendly fellow.

Quote:

Originally Posted by A Distorted Face

<Barkley> Suit yourself, chump. See -- wait... Do I know you?

<???> B... Barkley?

<Barkley> Wildman... you're as pale as a ghost now.

This guy doesn't have a first name or anything, so you b-ball aficionados need to tell me who this guy is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildman's Story

<Barkley> Why you gotta say shit like that man? What changed since last we met that would make you think something like that?

<Wildman> Get off your Clispaeth damned high horse Barkley. You killed the only thing that ever meant a damn to me. <cough> You cursed us all, Barkley. You cursed us all.

<Balthios> Charles, there are more pressing issues to address right now. I suggest --

<Barkley> No, Balthios. I gotta sort this out. Look, I know I messed up. I can't change that, but I'll be damned if anyone tries to stop me from making things better.

<Wildman> You make me sick... In fact, you're the very reason I was infected with the negative B-Ball energies. Now, this place is a wasteland. <cough> ...B-Ball was always there for you when you needed it most. Where were you when b-ball needed you most? <cough> ...Running like a coward, you pond scum.

<Barkley> You don't know what it's like. You'll never know what it's like.

<Wildman> You're right, I won't. I'd never become the monster you are.

<Barkley> I... I don't know what to tell you.

<Wildman> Hardly surprising... <cough>... you never even had the guts to say you're sorry.

Oh, sure, we could apologize to this guy, but that would be the polite and right thing to do.

Sucker. That's one more alignment choice for the evil reward.

Okay, this is the house we're looking for.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slaying Ghost Dad

<Juwanna> ...wake and at its mercy for too long and it's time something is done about it. Problem is, we're just not cut out for fighting here, so that's why we hired y-
* "Ominous" cackle
<Barkley> Shit, sounds like he's back.
<Juwanna> That's your cue, Barkley. Oh, and be careful out there... for me.
<Barkley> Juwanna, you know my heart belongs to Maureen even in death.
<Juwanna> I... I know. She was a lucky woman Charles... G-good luck! I know you can do it!
<Barkley> I'll do what I can, Juwanna...

Awkward times all around!

Who you gonna call?

Trivia of the day: my grandpa actually kinda looks like Bill Cosby.

Anyway, Ghost Dad here is one tough customer, probably the first boss in the game that can pose an actual challenge even with Muscle Zauber. Apparently, resting in the campfire cutscene doesn't heal everyone. Fortunately, I had the foresight to give everyone some Ecto Cooler beforehand, and there's even an inn to the east of the bulletin board if you're really hurting.

Kalir · #**115** 09-13-2010, 03:05 PM

His default attack, Spook, does a good bit of damage and causes Glaucoma, which is a pain in the ass for Barkley and Hoopz.

I'd hate to see this fight without the god-killing power of Muscle Zauber at work.

According to my guide, Holy Dunk does decent damage against this guy, so I'll give it a shot.

See, this is why I don't listen to guides anymore. Good damage, but no more so than any other attack.

Gun's Slay easily matches that for a fraction of the cost.

Ghostly Curse is one of Ghost Dad's more dangerous moves, chucking out a boatload of status effects. That Handicapable one that Balthios has halves his Brain, which is actually kind of a problem since Balthios is so dependent on his skillz.

Fog Breath cuts down everyone's speed, which is probably his least dangerous move. Even so, it's a pretty mean attack. These moves, combined with Ghost Dad's high health, mean you have to end the fight as quickly as you are able, or he'll debilitate you into uselessness.

He also has Ghost Muscle, which raises his attack power. I tried to get Cyberdwarf to Toss him to lower it again since Balthios just used his last BP on Ice Zauber, but I screwed it up.

I keep up the assault, but Ghost Dad responds in kind, so I break out Cyberdwarf's ultimate healing tech: Dwarf Caress. It heals all members of your party, but it doesn't have any cool additional effects like the rest of his healing moves.

This here is Hoopz using Accurate Shot since the glaucoma made Mega Shot basically a waste of a turn. It's really not worth the trouble to cure the glaucoma unless it's seriously affecting your damage output, since both Barkley and Hoopz have attacks that can't miss (Jumper and Accurate Shot, respectively). Kinda like in Final Fantasy, actually.

Eventually, though, we wear down Ghost Dad and gain a level for our troubles. However, we won't be getting any new skillz by leveling up, even though there are two skillz remaining to obtain in the game.

Ghost Dad shimmers and sparks a bit...

And then promptly explodes into a billion ghost particles.

Naturally, this causes the fog to clear away.

Man, why are JRPG characters always mourning over the guys they kill? Especially when they're really truly despicable antagonists who do things like slaughter innocents and even their own subordinates. Yes, I am looking at you, Tales of Symphonia.

Kalir · #**116** 09-13-2010, 03:07 PM

Who's got two thumbs and just put Bill Murray out of business? This guy.

For being an unstoppable badass?

Aw man, this again? It's weird enough even without the implications involved.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Charles Barkley and the Boulevard of Broken Dreams

<Juwanna> But we're both so lonely, you and I. I could make you happy again Charles. We could both be happy.

<Barkley> I'm sorry Juwanna. But I can't be happy knowing that somewhere out there, someone with the will and ability to perform another Chaos Dunk is still alive. I can't sit still while people like B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. plot to molest the world.

<Juwanna> But... but why, Charles? After all the world's done to you.

<Barkley> What's the world done to me that I haven't deserved, Juwanna? I took b-ball for granted and when it was taken away from me, I realized how important it really was. That's why I'm doing this Juwanna. I'm not doing this for me. I'm not doing this for you or Maureen or the world. I'm doing this for Hoopz. I'm doing it so he can grow up in the same world I grew up in, a world where layups got you applause, not arrested. I'm doing this so he can know the same sport I did.

I love that they try to make the scene dramatic by making the characters turn away from each other, but since the party is still set to following him, it just looks like an awkward clumsy mess.

And good riddance!

Hooray! Can we do more hunter quests soon? First we should rest at the inn though.

Thank you kindly, ma'am.

SPOOOOOOOOOOOKY

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ghost Dad's Final Message

<GhostDad> It is I, the Ghost Dad. I have come to haunt you, but also to help you. It is true that I haunted Proto Neo New York, but I did it with good intentions. But this is not why I am here. I wanted to thank you from freeing me from my ghastly chains of bondage, for saving me from the hex that I unwittingly placed upon myself years ago. I am finally free to return to the Ghost Domain thanks to you and I am no longer cursedby this dastardly hex. I want to show my appreciation by giving you a power that very few ghosts attain, let alone mortals. It is the precious Ghost Muscle, a skill that fortifies your body with the incredible power of ghosts. I hope you use it as wisely as I did.

Got the last of Barkley's skillz! Ghost Muscle is nice for two reasons: it's a buff to both Power and I think Guard, and more importantly, it's cheap as hell at only 5 BP. From now on, just as Balthios starts off by using Muscle Zauber, Barkley's starting off boss fights with Ghost Muscle.

Farwell to you as well, Ghost Dad. May you continue looking sort of like my grandpa!

Okeydokey, let's keep going.

Hang on, where are the rest of the hunter quests? Didn't I unlock new ones?

Yeah no. Sorry, Monster Hunter fans, but the Ghost Dad is the only hunter quest in the game. Like the vending machines, this option is here only so the game can claim that it has a monster quest system.

I'll make it up to you. Just to the west of the bulletin board is a gun's store!

Complete with gun's nut's!

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Gun'sbraster

<Barkley> What's it to you, chump?

 Gun's... let me elaborate. I'm what you call a "gun'sbraster", a collector and aficionado of gun's. In fact, you could go so far as to say that all I care about is gun's.

<Barkley> Get to the point.

 Ah, but what is the point...? But enough of my enlightened musings, I am sure you want to know what my extreme love for gun's has to do with you. You see, it has come to my attention that a particular item of note to gun's enthusiasts such as myself is currently inside the old Spalding Building. It's name: The F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N. Some say it was a prototype that Spalding was building before it disappeared in the Purge. Other say it was made by the devil himself. Heh, I don't care. I only care about gun's...

<Barkley> You want us to get this gun for you, huh? What's in it for us?

 The knowledge that you have aided the premiere gun'sbraster should be enough to slake your... primitive desire for a reward.

<Barkley> Fuck you, buddy. No deal.

 Okay, okay. I'll give you something nice. Something rare and valuable, okay?

<Barkley> That's more like it. We'll get you this... F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N. or whatever.

 ...anything for gun's.

Kalir · #**117** 09-13-2010, 03:08 PM

In any case, heading west from there takes you to the wastegrounds.

It's not possible to go into this door that I know of. Sorry.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Old Spalding Building

<Barkley> Dear Clispaeth... it's terrible.

<Cyberdwarf> After the Purge, all hell broke loose. Any place that was even remotely identified with basketball was ransacked and looted. It's amazing that the place is even standing.

*pause*

<Barkley> Do you think there's really something in there that can counter the Ultimate B-Ball?

<Cyberdwarf> We'll just have to see for ourselves, Barkley. I can only hope...

First, though, what's this dude up to?

Quote:

Originally Posted by On Behalf of Square-Enix-Goya

<Barkley> Uhh...

<Representative> Don't worry, Mr. Barkley. Square-Enix-Goya is not at all concerned with your current legal status. We wish to propose... a business arrangement.

<Barkley> I don't really want to hear it.

<Representative> It has come to the attention of Square-Enix-Goya that a particular object of interest is within the ruins of the Spalding building, one F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N., a weapon of incredible power and magnitude. We believe that it would be in the best interest of Square-Enix-Goya stockholders and consumers for the company to obtain and replicate this product for mass consumption.

<Barkley> Wait, so you want to sell this thing? Put more gun's out on the streets?

<Representative> Precisely, and we are willing to pay you 2500 to retrieve it for us.

<Barkley> Your shining suit and fine words have convinced me. I will help Square-Enix-Goya any way I can.

<Representative> One last thing. If a certain gun'sbraster named Mark approaches you about the F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N., ignore him and remember your obligation to Square-Enix-Goya.

<Barkley> Anything to further Square-Enix-Goya's corporate agenda!

All this talk of gun's reminds me of something...

Oh yeah, I forgot to buy new gun's for Hoopz!

True to the shop name, this place sells every kind of gun in the game, save for the F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N. Of course, we only need the strongest gun, so we pick that up for Hoopz and get some more healing supplies, and then we're off.

Huh, it's considerably more sci-fi than I expected. Especially what with the music (which I can't find on youTube).

Apparently they have a truck pump in here. Which... I guess they needed to refuel trucks here? Or maybe truck pumps are just like political signs in the election season or something and you can find them pretty much everywhere, much to the annoyance of all who find them at odds with their own views.

Oooh, fancy!

Aw man.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vidcons, dad!

<Barkley> Lift status? Is this a fucking vidcon or something?

<Hoopz> It probably means there's a lift somewhere that's not working. We gotta put in the red key to get it moving.

<Barkley> How'd you figure that out, Hoopz?

<Hoopz> Vidcons, dad!

<Barkley> Vidcons...

<Balthios> We need to get moving, Charles.

<Barkley> All right, let's see what we can find in this factory...

Yeah, we could do that... or we could talk to the truck pump.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Truck Pump

There is, perhaps, only one medium of art that matches the excellence of vidcons and that is (obviously) visual kei. Combining absolutely exquisite j-rock and j-pop, sprinkled with hints of vidcon melodies, with the pyrotechnic visual flare that the Japanese are known for, visual kei takes its viewers on a rollercoaster ride of lights, fanfare, and music that even Beethoven could tap his toes to. Would that I were Japanese, (though under careful scrutiny, it appears my geneology tree does in fact show signs of a Japanese presence) I too would participate in this art of the 21st century and even perhaps venture onto the visual kei stage myself. It is no surprise that the impotent minds of Western society cannot fully grasp the total splendor of visual kei and instead choose to squandor their time listening to rap and country "music".

For extra credit, please provide an example of your favorite piece of visual kei.

Next Time: Slamicite and Jamicite

Ghost from Spelunker · #**118** 09-14-2010, 12:40 AM

Oh man, the Spalding building. I'm looking forward to when you meet Scott Creelman and talk about the lines on B-Balls
And the B-Ball experiment log.
And the elevator joke.

Olli T · #**119** 09-14-2010, 05:18 AM

This game and this LP fills my heart with joy.

dtsund · #**120** 09-14-2010, 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ghost from Spelunker

Oh man, the Spalding building. I'm looking forward to when you meet Scott Creelman and talk about the lines on B-Balls
And the B-Ball experiment log.
And the elevator joke.

And the manufacted slamicite.