If you told me Jungle Cruise was written with a screaming kindergartner nearby shouting "I'm bored!" every ten minutes, I would believe you. It starts with some basic Indiana Jones-esque action hijinks, but, before they even leave port (spoilers for anyone that does not want to be spoiled on general plot beats), the villain has acquired a submarine to fight a friggen dingy, and is launching torpedos all over the place. From there, we eventually introduce zombie conquistadors, and, because zombies are passé, they are quickly upgraded to zombie-elemental conquistadors, with at least one character that is my favorite villain trope: a sentient, collective mass of angry bees. The finale happens as it must (with the main hero literally dying and resurrecting like three times), and, if it had lasted any longer, I am pretty sure some dinosaurs would have arrived to cap things off. Four out of Five Stars.