A Questionable Grasp of Botany: Let's Play Princess Tomato in the Salad Kingdom!

This is relevant reading. You see, Bananda is "ヤマタノバナナ" in Japan and, well, that means the Salad Kingdom's Kusanagi is pretty awesome.

I had a feeling that Bananda was related, somehow, to the legend of Orochi.

Except instead of getting him drunk, he was blown to pieces by a high-yield explosive.

Sometimes when you get drunk it feels like you've been blown to pieces by high-yield legume-grade explosives.

I've managed to learn something from it. Nothing useful, just a small bit of Japanese mythology but I learned something regardless...

Though, the game is only incidently related to my learning... So, it still has little to no redeeming value :P Thanks Turnip for the edutainment!

But what Japanese myth is Saladron based on?

A sexual fever dream of your favorite comic book writer, Junji Ito.

Oh my gaaaahhhhhhh~

That is the best thing to ever be associated with the game.

Indeed, this has made all the pain worth it.

I'll never do an LP if original art is going to be required to them... This and the art in the MMBN LP, ad of course all of Loki's art is shaming the rest of us.

Wait, wait...

Did this LP inspire Mopinks to find Princess Tomato fanart, or did I inspire him to create it?

Because if it's the latter, then I guess I can scratch "Cause inspiration for a pornographic artist" off my To-Do-Before-I-Die list.

Aw, you're skipping a lot of the fun sidestuff, like the game breaking the fourth wall and telling you there's not enough memory to go back to the first screen of the game, or Percy accusing you of falling in love with the juice shop girl.

and turning the apple statue red gives you a valuable protip on how to beat Saladron.

fun fact: when I was a kid, I was so scared to fight the Farmies. Come to think of it, I never did legitimately finish this game, I always used a password to skip right to the final chapter because the last maze stumped me so much.

In fairness, this is my first time playinmg the game, so I didn't know about these things either.

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This time we’re in the Maze for reals. Of course, with Bananda dead, there’s nothing even remotely interesting in it. It’s just a series of dozens of identical rooms. I trust nobody will complain if I skip right to the end?

Good.



At the end of the crummy maze is the entrance to the Dice-O-Matic, which is admittedly a rather lot larger then I was expecting.



The door, however, is locked. And it has a round-hole in it. In a conventional adventure game, this would mean that there’s a round item either nearby or already in my inventory, related to the machine. This is Princess Tomato in the Salad Kingdom, so naturally, I try everything in my inventory that is not round and is totally unrelated to the door.

The gold, water-wings, Crest, Lamp, Banana-Peel, Battery and medicine all have no effect whatsoever.

All that’s left is the Yam Medallion. No idea why that would work, since there is no logical reason why it should, except for the shape. Which is at least half-way there.



Yeah, suck on THAT logic.



Sir Cucumber installs the Battery and BAM! We’ve got ourselves a fully operational death-machine capable of making Julianne Fries! (Incidentally, you have to HIT the Lever to start the machine. Yeah… yeah)



You’d think that a massive mobile destruction fortress would have a nicer view screen. Anyhow, after moving forward three times (causing absolutely no change on the screen, incidentally) we are faced… with THIS!



SUPER ROBOT BATTLE!

!



SUPA ROBO-BATTLE!

!




SUPA ROBATTA!

The Dice-O-Matic, only having a pincer for a hand, is only capable of making the signs for Rock and Scissors, meaning that if you pick Rock every single round, you’ll win. Also, since their necks can only swivel, not tilt, they can only look left or right for the Look the Other Way game. I’m genuinely impressed that Hudson took those aspects into account for the game.


We destroyed all the enemies except Minister Pumpkin.

Percy provides his own commentary.



Okay, this is it, Sir Cucumber in a battle to the death against a rebellious, possibly Pious Pumpkin (unless he’s Prime Minister, and not the religious kind) who is riding around in a Giant Cantalo-bot.

Let’s rock.



Of course, Minister Pumpkin’s Dice-O-Matic has the exact same design flaw as the other ones had, and is beaten every bit as easily. That… was anticlimactic.

Of course, Minister Pumpkin ran away, since there is still another 2 chapters to go before this stupid game will end. So, lacking any nemeses to battle, Sir Cucumber decides to do what he always does in these situations: He looks at every-goldarn thing in the area until something happens.


This must be Chameleon Grass!

That kind of goes a ways to proving my theory that the actual plants of the Salad Kingdom are made of meat.



And Sir Cucumber only finds the Right Half of the Instructions after finding the Chameleon Grass. And the instructions are for how to use Chameleon Grass. How convenient. And not at all contrived.


Hey, I turned into a pizza! Hey Boss, I think the grass turns you into whatever you are thinking of!

I… see?


Now we can get into Sopville!


WHY? WHY DID YOU DO THAT! I HATE YOU PERCY!

And so, our heroes had a series of massively anti-climactic, yet strangely awesome, battles against a multi-headed Banana, a giant salad-chopper, and another salad chopper that has a cantaloupe for a head. And then Percy dropped everything again, because he is awful.

There's fun stuff in this game? Though the gamne telling you there isn't enough memory is kinda funny... What I found more interesting was that as a child you owned this game. Which means either your parents thought it looked like a good game or you picked it off the shelves yourself... I'm having trouble understading how either of them could possibly come to pass?

:P

Chapter 7: The Heart of Darkness


Having eaten mysterious plant life which turned them into ugly, dumpy humans, our Heroes were able to infiltrate Sopville. We join their adventure, already in progress.



Percy, being the vestigial sidekick, points out what I just mentioned in case I had forgotten.



That bastard! Letting the possibly impoverished people enjoy a day of dancing, drinking and merriment!



Looking around reveals a trio of people who are not so quick to fall prey to the Ministers evil, evil, EEEEEEVIL festival, lets see what they have to say!

Yam: I’m hungry!
Asparagus: I’m thirsty!
Squash: Are you guys really Farmies?

Yam and Asparagus’s concerns can be justified by this point of the narrative; The Farmies plan does seem to revolve around producing malnourished crops for later consumption. Young master Squash, however is a bit more puzzling. Considering how Sopville is the Farmies base of operations, you’d think that he wouldn’t even question our presense. Unless, of course, he asks every Farmy he comes across that same question. The Farmies, naturally, would get annoyed by this before too long, and would likely retaliate by limiting his friends food and water rations.

Which is why Squash is across the street from them.

To lay poor, stupid, Squash’s fears to rest, Sir Cucumber shows the Crest we got from the General. To prove that he’s a h- well… a Resistance Member.


You’re not Farmies? You must be in the Resistance! I didn’t know you were Resistance Members! There’s a rumor in town that someone is here to rescue Princess Tomato. It must be you! There’s a secret passage to get into the Castle. Ask around on Pea Street! I wish you luck.

Nice of Squash to reveal so much to the first Farmie he sees carrying a Crest of the Resistance. Because, you know, there’s no way that one could possibly be carrying that crest other then being a Resistance Member in disguise. So why not tell him about the secret entrance to the Castle?

Sir Cucumber may be a Hero, but Squash… is an idiot.

Screw following that jerks advice, Sir Cucumber goes into the bar.



Okay, so… those narrations are supposed to be from Percy, right? And this isn’t even a bowlederized bar, it’s a pub. And… Percy is, like, 4, and no one even mentioned that he should maybe not be in there.

What I’m getting at is that I’m not terribly surprised that so many residents of the Salad Kingdom are such heavy drinkers.



Radish Ron’s name is hardly surprising. Marginally better then Mr. Radish, which was about what I was expecting him to be named, but George and Dan? Those don’t sound like any vegetables I’ve heard of. Such interesting characters must have something to say!

George: Minister Pumpkin is the greatest leader!
Dan: Welcome Farmies!
Radish Ron: Being a resistance member is real dangerous!

Okay, George and Dan’s reactions are fine. Again, Sir Cucumber is currently disguised as a Farmy, so complementing them is appropriate. Radish Ron, however, is pretty much admitting to being a member of the Resistance. 10 points for style, but minus about 50,000 for sensibility.

Maybe showing them that Sir Cucumber is one of the Good Guys will turn their attitudes. And possibly get Ron not-pureed.

Well, actually, nothing happened.

To Pea Street with us!

Loving it! Octo you forgot the / in your end bold line though so you're code is hanging out where everyone can see it...

Aww nuts. This is why you shouldn't try to edit a post while under the influenece of the over-the-counter cold medicine.

I am amazed at how unintuitive this game is. The triggering of events and the ridiculous number of commands make this game seem like quite a hassle to play. I dislike games that require you to have a FAQ nearby to get anywhere important. It might be fallout from playing Legacy of the Wizard as a kid.

Looks like there's a fan remake and...



DEAR LORD NO!

That awful, grinning Percy - the one who looks like he's inflicting horrible pain on you out of some kind of sick love - is the only part of those that is awful. But god, so awful. I'm going to have nightmares.

Seriously, he actually reminds me of a more sadistic Jody from Preacher.

Oh God! Oh GOD!

What did I do to you to deserve such horrors visited on me!

I don't understand the thought process of the person who made the remake. How low do your expectations of video games have to be to think Tomato Princess was deserving of a remake?!

One even wonders if this person has any other experience with the media, playing any game, any at all, would quickly reveal how terrible Tomato Queen is. GK3 has nothing on this game!

That's a self-inflicted wound, and you know it!

He knows what you did.

Oh God, I feel like I need to get the computer exorcised, now.

"Hey boss, I chucked out all of the holy water after you saw my horrible visage!"

PLAY IT! Oh please dear god play it and compare it to the original! There's no way now that this LP will be complete without you playing it.

Please, won't you think of the children?