A Questionable Grasp of Botany: Let's Play Princess Tomato in the Salad Kingdom!

You can pick up another Gold Coin if you look at the street when the Octoberry is walking by.

He was a brave man who refused to offer up his firstborn as the sacrifice for the Turnip Emblem. You see, the Turnip Emblem... is... people! Well, as close to people as any of the Saladorians are.

Sergeant Peppers DEADLY Hearts Club: Part 2



Now that the Sergeant is gone, we can use that key from the Bookstore to open the door and leave.

To recap: The keyhole to let someone out of the death chamber is on the inside. With the person it’s designed to kill.



Rather then dwell on this, let’s take a gander around.



The wooden door is currently holding the Garlic Wanderer from earlier!



The man can certainly prioritize. Since the Farmies didn’t bother to confiscate any of my important items, I decide to give him his donut. It may well keep him lucid long enough to help me.



Okay, under normal circumstances, an Asparagus Donut would sound fairly unappetizing. In this world of sapient vegetation however… and if it’s his favorite, that would mean he’s eaten many in the past…

…

…I now seriously doubt now that the Garlic Wanderer was arrested for crimes of loitering and panhandling.


My memory is still a little foggy.

…yeah. I’m not going to bother commenting on that anymore. There’s nothing else the Wanderer can do for me, so we leave the room…



…. Then we re-enter the room and talk to the Wanderer again to receive a grenade.

This is because the game works on an advanced form of Adventure Game Logic. So advanced, in fact, that it appears as arbitrary running around with no clear event triggers to a lesser creature like you or I. But to Sir Cucumber and company: It all follows together.



At least the Wanderer is aware that he is a terrible, terrible monster who should never be released.

Or was it for possession of marrow-ana?

Ba dum TISCH

Two days ago that might have been funny.

Back to the right… is nothing. Let’s see what’s farther to the right.



Screw you, Percy. Sir Cucumber don’t listen to no baby persimmon!



I see nothing particularly diabolical in here. I mean, sure, there’s a scythe (which I’m sure is MUCH more terrifying from the vegetables point of view), and a barrel of… Juice (which I’m sure is even MORE terrifying from the vegetables point of view. It’s like a human prison having a very large barrel filled with blood in a storage closet) but nothing to warrant a warning from percy. I take the none-terrifying items (rope, leaflet and rusted bucket) and leave the storage closet, heading back to The Sergeants office. You know, to vandalize it a bit before leaving the prison. There may be another reason to want to do that, but damned if I know what it is.



Percy, I believe we’ve already established that Sir Cucumber plays by his own rules.



Don’t get up or anything Sergeant. After all it’s not like…



WE’RE ARMED!



The fake Grenade manages to scare the hell out of Sergeant Pepper just long enough to let us tie him up with the rope and leave him for dead. Incidentally, I love the fact that doing this causes absolutely no change in the Sergeants expression.

I’m sure that tying up the Police Sergeant and leaving him in the middle of the police station is a perfectly sensible idea that will never come back to prove itself to be our ruination.



Also, tying up the Sergeant caused a Lantern to appear in the closet. I can’t explain that. We take it and leave the Closet and the Police Station.



Luckily, all the Policemen (who I assume are some variety of orange) are wielding lanterns, like the one I just picked up! So the perfect disguise would be to light up my lantern and waltz out the door!



This works perfectly, despite the fact that Sir Cucumber is… well… a cucumber wearing a suit of armor, which stands out rather well from a whole bunch of oranges wearing kimonos.



YOU FREAKING SUCK, PERCY!

And so our heroes managed to escape from the most poorly guarded prison I think I’ve ever seen. Good for them. They also managed to lose all their unimportant items again, thanks to Percy being the worst sidekick ever.

they are keeping a barrel of hooch in the police station. what an awesome police station!

I like to imagine that they sealed a dead rice man inside that water-filled barrel and left the corpse to rot until it became a delicious alcoholic beverage.

This game was just fun and bizarre until the one-two nightmare punch of Sergeant Pepper and his storage room.

Wait, Percy dropped some of your stuff again?



Oh Percy. You're such a goof.

That's what I'm here for. To show the world what it's missed out on re: NES games.

Chapter 4: The Terror of Saladron




And so our heroes find themselves back at the Spinach Heights, either because the Prison was built very close to the fields, or because Sir Cucumber and Percy simply didn’t stop running. Either way, this is where we are.



Our heroes plunge on ahead and head back to Lake Quench to get some more water, on the reasoning that Water seems to come in handy in this game pretty frequently. Whether for saving dehydrated people, or drowning your nemesis, Water is always handy!



While gathering the Water, Sir Cucumber notices a Blue Umbrella, and decides to steal it.

Sir Cucumber is a Hero.

Saladoria is likely still swarming with Farmies and/or police, so our Heroes head back to the Melon Patch. Since… that’s the way the game progresses.



Also, the Small Shrine is now properly red. I have no idea how that happened.



Oh… kay, this place has changed a bit.



Apparently the residents of the Melon Patch are totally unwilling to assist themselves since the last time he had a drink was when I poured water on his head back in Chapter 1. This confirms my (just newly created) theory that the Melon Patch is in fact a socialist commune, producing nothing yet expecting the hardworking people of the Salad Kingdom to come and help whenever they are thirsty.

Since Sir Cucumber has no problem with this, and he gives the Watermelon one of his few drops of water.


”Everyone was harvested! But I was too bad looking. I saw Mr. Leek, he was carrying a Blue Umbrella. But he lost it. I’ll be okay, thanks!”

If the Farmies left the Melon because he didn’t look good, then that would imply that they just wanted the healthy looking ones. Since the Melons were totally immobile they plainly weren’t concerned about them forming a resistance. So therefore the Farmies were either killing them for sport or, more likely (based on what we’ve already seen, at least), they were going to DEVOUR THEM.

Jeez.

Anyway, Sir Cucumber leaves the sickly, immobile Watermelon in the dirt (because he’s a Hero) and checks the holes for clues. Or because he got distracted and ignored his quest to save the kingdom to futz around in a small hole.



The third hole is, in fact, a Mole hole. Sir Cucumber decides to toss the Umbrella into it. Simply because… well… there is no damn reason whatsoever why that is what he should do. But BY GOD that’s what Gamefaqs told me to do!



Even Percy is terribly, terribly confused by how that worked. I guess that by opening the Umbrella you confused the Mole who thought it was night. That’s a stupid reason, but it’s still the most sensible explanation for anything that has happened so far in the game. Sir Cucumber gives some of his water to the Mole as a peace offering.


”In the Parsley Forest there’s a monster called Saladron. He’s protecting a treasure, the Yam Medallion! Not much Water Left! Saladron is very Dangerous! You must be Careful! This is the left half of some instructions I found near a big tree. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t find the other half. Go see the Forest Guard, Watermelon can help you.

In addition to being the first animal we’ve found, Mr. Mole is also the most talkative character so far. Granted, he only talks in fragmented sentences, but his meaning is easy enough to glean:

1. We’ve got a Salad-monster holding an important treasure.
2. We’ve got to kill that monster
3. We’ve got some incomplete instructions
4. Watermelon has directions.



What the hell, Perce? You were standing right next to me, weren’t you? Pay attention!



Thanks Watermelon. Sir Leeks Cottage is Over there.



Thanks Percy. I know.



Behind the shack is a river. Of course, we can’t cross it without Water Wings. I’m assuming those are for Percy, but I’m not basing that on anything. Also, I’m pretty sure that both Persimmons and Cucumbers are buoyant.



This is another one of those obnoxious puzzles (well, especially obnoxious) where the solution is to talk to Percy. Nothing can be done to enter the Leek Shack, nor will Mr. Leek appear until you ask Percy for advice.

I don't remember who told me about this game or how I ended up with it... But after seeing you play it I'm going to get rid of it.

So much that is wrong all in one place... It's enough to make a man lose hope in humanity...

Chapter 4: The Terror of Saladron Part 2


I can see your little friend can’t swim. Oh yes, I almost forgot to tell you… Cross the river behind my shack! Ah… and… Please do not litter in the forest. Ah yes, I almost forgot to tell you… If you defeat the horrible Saladron, I’ll help you. Ah… and… I forgot.

Mr. Leek is almost stunningly unhelpful. That jerk doesn’t deserve to get his umbrella back! I’ll give it to him anyway, though.



What the hell, Mr. Leek? You just finished warning me that the river is crawling with Farmies, and now you’ve given me everything I need to get across there! Your mindset is baffling Mr. Leek, I shall take your Water wings and cross the river. I sincerely hope I don’t cross your path again.



That’s about my feelings on the matter too, Percy.

And we now come face to face with pure evil.
.
.
.



.
.
.
…This is one of the Farmies that threaten the Salad Kingdom? Seriously? That… that is what we’re faced with? I was expecting, like, a carrot in Stormtrooper armor, or something. Not a fat, balding human with a hoe. That… is pathetic. Also, it begs the question of why humans are taking orders from a pumpkin. You’d think that they would be the dominant organism in their relationship. This is just sad.

Screw it, I’m going to kill this guy on general principle!



What?



This is our first encounter with the games battle system. It involves playing Rock-Paper-Scissors. If you win, you have to guess which direction your opponent will look in. If you guess right, you’ll win. If you lose, you have to look away from your enemy. It is a baffling combat system.



Having killed a Farmie in what I assume to be a lethal game of Rock-Paper-Scissors, we arrive in the Parsley Forest. You know that part in some adventure games where you are thrown into a large maze with no indication of where to go, and all the rooms look pretty much identical and it’s never any fun?

That’s this part right here.

Well, actually, that describes the entire game, really.

Sir Cucumber doesn't know much about Look the Other Way.

While enlightening, it doesn't really make it any more sensible that you manage to kill a man by playing it.

Depends what you do to him while he's looking the wrong way.

Okay, so they are humans, and they're harvesting the veggies after all.

...why were they depriving the veggies of water, then? Makes as much sense as starving cows on a feedlot.

Mmmm, gourmet wilted lettuce!

To put it bluntly:
Farmies : Veggies :: Nazis : Jews

I like how Sir Cucumber is forcing Percy to fight for him to the death here. I take it he's still annoyed with all those times Percy screwed up?

Luckily, Gamefaqs exists in this world, so spending several weeks running around a hedge maze is a fate I am spared.



After a while of wandering through identical rooms, I find a tin can. Sir Cucumber picks it up, because Litter is NOT to be tolerated.



Farther into the simply… simply awful maze we find a shovel. Cool. It too is stolen.



At the end of the crappy labyrinth is a s-s-scary tree! Sir Cucumber is a hero, so he isn’t frightened of any creepy tree!



By which I mean he tells Percy to throw a can into it.



By doing so we awaken the grim and terrible SALADRON! And we enter battle with the leafy atrocity!



Like all truly terrible players of Rock-Paper-Scissors, Saladron always chooses the same thing, in this case, Paper.

With Saladron dead, we are free to check out his lair.



Checking the Vicinity reveals an Altar that we can look at. Checking the vicinity twice reveals a lump of dirt. The dirt is the important part. Sir Cucumber forces Percy to dig with the shovel.





After using the Shovel 6 times (and getting almost the same message each time, meaning there is little means to tell you’re doing the right thing) Percy digs up the Yam Medallion.



Heading back outside we find Mr. Leek waiting for us. I didn’t want to see him again, he’s a jerk.


Take this bottle of Grape Juice.


And Percy fulfills his obligation as being the worst sidekick ever.

And so our heroes bumbled through another obfuscatingly stupid series of terribly planned challenges, defeating a Salad-monster and killing a balding-man with the raw power of expertly played House-Rules Rock-Paper-Scissors. Maybe soon they will actually get to join the resistance?

OH GOD

It all makese sense now.

I have seen the face of evil. And it's name is Saladron!

It's like a vegetable gremlin Carmen_Miranda.

And I think it's giving us the finger.

Finally, the real me shows up!

Body of a dressing bottle with a fork and spoon for hands!

I hope you're happy, by the way. It was your stupid avatar that gave me the stupid idea to play this game!

Which is also stupid!

How is a tin can suppose to wake something up? I'm not finding the logic at all! Why can't you just walk in and play rock-paper-scissors with the guy?

Thank goodness your inventory is limited and constantly trying things might eventually get you to throwing a tin can into a tree to trigger a boss fight. When was this made? Did Sierra use it as a planning doc for Gabriel Knight 3?

You spell "Totally Awesome" very strangley.

Chapter 5: The Savior of the Resistance



The chapter begins with Sir Cucumber and Percy just outside the Resistance Base. Finally, that plot point began way, way, WAY back in Chapter 2 will be resolved and we’ll join the Resistance, overthrow Minister Pumpkin and save the Princess. Let’s mosey!



Yes, Percy, we should. This is where great things shall be undertaken! Let’s advance into the heart… of Freedom!



There are grapes hung above the door. No doubt to symbolize how… the Farmies loom overhead? And can be crushed? Into wine?

Anyhow, let’s barge in and show these Resistance Members that they can throw strategy out the window, because a HERO has arrived!



Hey guys. S’up?



Well, maybe they’d be less uppity if they had some proof that Sir Cucumber is a hero


Oh, the Yam Medallion! We are going to rescue Princess Tomato Together!

“Yeah, you jerks, I beat Saladron, the Salad Monster. You mooks can’t even threaten a pumpkin.”

At which point another Resistance Soldier walks in.


It’s Lisa

Well not quite the… phylum I was expecting, to be honest. I guess they needed to throw some heroic humans in there to counteract the villainous ones. Can’t go being speciest.



Geez, King Broccoli slept around a lot.



Luckily, Doctor Pepper’s got a little prescription for that!



We leave the base and then head back in, giving Lisa enough time to administer the Aspirin, as well as giving the medicine enough time to have an effect, and therefore letting us finally meet the Generalissimo.



I can easily imagine the teenagers/college students of the Salad Kingdom putting up high-contrast posters of the General in their rooms.



Minister Pumpkin’s Castle is in Sopville. But if you are seen in Sopville, you will be recognized! I present you with the Crest of the Resistance.

Okay, firstly: I’m starting to get kind of annoyed at how every single person in the Salad Kingdom speaks with such teeny-tiny sentences rather then proper statements. I mean really, you people can use commas to join related thoughts. It’s okay.

Secondly: I don’t think that wearing the Crest of the Resistance is going to help with the whole “You’ll be arrested on sight” thing. Well, unless the Farmies get confused because their intelligence states that they were told that Sir Cucumber isn’t a member of the Resistance, so they’ll just think he’s just another anthropomorphic cucumber in a suit of armor, travelling with a clumsy, anthropomorphic persimmon.

Anyway, we’ve been made Honorary Members of the Resistance, and now we have a vague sense of direction. Come, noble Percy…to Sopville!

Those aren't sentence fragments. I'm not sure Sir Cucumber knows how communes actually work, either.

Sir Cucumber knows a lot of things.

He's a hero.

I'm not racist, but I'm uncomfortable with the idea of vegetables mating with our women and producing...mixed offspring.

Gnah, horrible, horrible jokes about women and vegetables, stop it brain! ....

Sorry, that was uncalled for.

Shortly after leaving the base, again, our Heroes remember that they weren’t actually told where Sopville is. However, they DO notice some boxes, which are also quite exciting!

So exciting. So exciting.



It’s an old banana skin! Hold it! There’s a Shiny Object! It’s a Pendant!

Awesome, we get an old banana peel and a shiny pendant! It’s a good thing Sir Cucumber decided to look at those boxes. Repeatedly, until an event trigger told him that there was an item in the box, and then looking at the Object separately so he could actually pick it up!

Lets barge into Lisas room and show her our trash-jewelry!



Sir Cucumber is a Hero.



”My pendant! Oh thank you! Have you heard of the Dice-o-Matic? It’s the most powerful weapon in this land.”

Lisa is impressively tolerant and accepting of a sword-wielding cucumber breaking into her room to give her a piece of jewelry he found in the trash, rewarding him with knowledge of a devastating super-weapon named like a generic off-the-rack kitchen appliance.

It’s a weird kind of segue.

That being dealt with, lets head in that other door and see what else the resistance base has.



What. The. Hell?

Some disgusting atrocity against nature managed to get into the Resistance base. Sir Cucumber chokes back his own bile and leaps at the bubbling horror.



Oh God. It Talks!



This disgusting blob is Grapy. He longs for a death that will not come.


Take this Clover Juice

I give the thing some Grape Juice, letting him forget the waking nightmare that is his life by sticking him in a perpetual stupor. He rewards me with what is also presumably a bowlederized alcoholic beverage. I think he is too far gone to even notice that he is likely drinking the crushed remains of a former relation of his. He is a sad thing, and is to be pitied.



“The Armaments Room is across the hall. Take anything you like. I told Grapy to unlock the door for you. I heard you destroyed Saladron. How wonderful!”

Going back into Lisa’s room and telling her that we got their horrific guardsman some wine. And she, in turn, tells me that the room he was guarding is now unlocked.

If you guessed that the room would absolutely not be unlocked until we spoke to Lisa, congratulations. You’ve been paying attention to how this game works.



I’m actually kind of surprised at how well stocked this place is. Considering how, you know, the resistance was brought to its knees by one of it’s 6 members having a mild-headache.



Looking around a few times proves that the armaments are a little more underwhelming then I a first glance would let on.



And a closer examination proves that, except for the Nut Bombs, everything is totally worthless. So we take the Nut Bomb. Just one Nut Bomb. No more.

Let’s go show the General and soldiers that we’ve got ourselves an explosive legume.



Hey, they’ve been given a small amount of characterization now! They have names based on their military rank! Well, it worked in Halo, in any case.

Major: The Storage Guard complains that he doesn’t have enough juice. He loves Grape Juice.
Captain: There is a monster named Bananda that lives in a cave near the Peanut Village.
Sergeant: I heard that Bananda has a Dice-o-Matic!
Chief: Now that you are well equipped, you must find Bananda’s Cave. You can get to the Peanut Village via the Carrot Plateau from this base.

Okay. So apparently Sir Cucumber was drafted into the Resistance in order to kill the hell out of poorly named monsters? Anyway, we leave the Resistance Base on our new quest: To find and kill Bananda: The Monster intelligent enough to use tools!



WHAT THE CRAP PERCY! THAT TIME IT WASN’T EVEN AN ACCIDENT!

And thusly did our heroes leave the Resistance Base, charged by a parsnip to find and kill the monstrous Bananda. Who, based on the naming scheme shown so far in this game, has about a 50% chance of actually being a Banana. Also, Percy once again proves his mettle of being detrimental to the quest.