A Questionable Grasp of Botany: Let's Play Princess Tomato in the Salad Kingdom!

Town Without Pity: Part 3

Previously in the Salad Kingdom: We went all over the small town of Saladoria trying to get useful information out of a surly (and possibly intoxicated) garlic bulb, culminating in our Gold being replaced with coins and gaining access to a club of some sort.



I thought that was an Orange, not an Apricot, but I’m willing to take their word for it. Also, I don’t think it counts as being “The one and only” if there are three of them…



Banana Boy has a malevolent air about him. I bet he’s a bad guy.

Let’s see what Miss Apricot has to say.


It’s not safe here. It’s note as peaceful as it used to be
I’m not sure if Wanderers is a euphemism for vagrants, or for strangers. For that matter, I’m also not sure if Coffee isn’t euphemism for anything. Let’s assume it isn’t a bowlederization of anything, and it’s just that the people of Saladoria are just late-risers.

That said, what about Miss Lemon?


But you don’t have the crest of the Resistance! Everyone adores Resistance members here.

But Sir Cucumber is a hero! Everyone loves heroes!

It’s probably safe to say that we’re going to become members of the Resistance soon. Likely before the end of this chapter.

And Banana Boy?


Hey guys, I want you to meet someone. He’s waiting in the restroom.

A character (who is very strongly implied to be a villain) insists that I should meet his friend, who will only see me in an out-of-the way location, free from any sort of protection from the public?

The game really expects me to be that stupid?

Well… yes, yes it does. And Sir Cucumber decides to tip the waiter for his advice. Geez!

GEEZ!



And the bathroom is empty. I feel kind of disappointed by this, actually. I was expecting something exciting to happen there.




The trashcan contains a donut however. That’s AWESOME! I take the Garbage Donut.



Upon returning to the main floor of the Cabaret, the Waiter is gone. That jerk swindled me out of a Coin and I demand vengeance!



Well, that’s… sure… some sort of a… thing.



The entrance to town now contains a crying baby… leafed vegetable.

He’s hungry, and I have both donut and Sandwich. I know I have to give the donut to the Garlic, so I guess the baby gets a Sandwich.



Baby appreciates the Sandwich, and tells me that his (negligent) father is the gentleman sleeping on the bench… The kid wakes him up.



No problem Mr… Whatever you are. Please go ahead and tell us your life story:


Once I was the Minister here until the Farmies occupied our land. Then I became a Wanderer. I feel so miserable. We are building a secret Resistance Base in the Parsley Forest.



Well… that’s great. I have no idea what a soursop is. It may just be a juvenile insult. Anyway, the important thing is that we now have a vague destination in mind! Lets find the Parsley Forest Resistance Base, so we can finally start to bring the fight to the Farmies! To the Mountains! Since… that’s on the way to the Parsley Forest, I guess!

that dude doesn't look anything like a soursop!

this game is made of madness.

Note to self: never accept food from OctoPrime.

Octoprime makes the best LPs, but the worst salads.

Maybe he just doesn't know how to properly toss salad?

Yikes!

It was only a matter of time before someone made this joke. I'm glad it was you.

And not me.

It was originally in the title, then I thought better of it.

OctoPrime: Making the wrong choices since February 2009.

Yeah, I looked at OctoPrime's profile. You wanna make somethin' of it?

creeeeeeeepeeeeeee

Man, if I didn't like what I had there now, I would totally use that as a Member Title.

There's a character limit on that. Awfully short, too, or else I would have "does not give the excitement".

The Corn Guru mentions that the leader of the Resistance is incapacitated by a headache. That seems like a pretty lame reason to stop leading a freedom force dedicated to stopping a totalitarian regime, but considering the size of the heads of most the residents of the Kingdom, I would imagine a headache would be pretty nasty.

I guess.

We won’t be able to join the Resistance while its leader is in a likely surly mood, so we must seek medical aid! The Corn Guru mentions that there is a Pharmacy near the cabaret. Which probably means that there is now a Pharmacy near the Cabaret that wasn’t actually there before.

Except that there’s nothing there, so maybe the Cabaret itself can shed some light?



It’s Mr. Scallion! The friendly… Scallion. He’s such a nice guy, let’s praise him!



There we go! Constantly telling Mr. Scallion about how nice his tie is the key to causing the Pharmacy to Materialize. …honestly, this is the LEAST sensible adventure game I think I’ve ever played.



Mr. Fix has exceptionally shiny glasses. The sparkle from them is BLINDING.



That goes a long way to proving several of my theories about the residents of the Salad Kingdom…



Thanks for the free medicine Mr. Fig! I’d question how you can stay in business when you don’t charge for medicine… but then I think the answer to that question is directly related to all the illegal pharmaceuticals behind you.

To the… Mountains again… I guess!



There’s somebody new in the Park. Might as well talk to her. She’ll either be INCREDIBLY useful, or a red herring.

She’s selling flowers, which, as previously mentioned, are likely made out of Meat. I could always use some more Meat-Flowers, they really spruce up a home. Might as well buy some. Odds are that the Chapter will end soon, and therefore make just about everything in my inventory worthless anyway. Money included. She becomes much more helpful and talkative after getting some Meat from her.


The Bookshop is the meeting place for the Resistance. They are planning to rescue the Princess. Get help at the Bookshop.

So… go to the Bookstore?



We Suuuure did, Perce.



Wait… so the Salad Kingdom has a Germany? So… this game takes place on Earth? Then why haven’t we heard about the violent coup in the Salad Kingdom? A thing like that would have at least gotten mentioned on CNN, probbaly only on a slow news day, but still.

Perhaps the better question is… why was all public knowledge of the Salad Kingdom removed? Who stands to benefit from a cover-up such as this? Who… and perhaps more importantly… why?

Simon (if that is he real name) doesn’t even mention the Resistance. Maybe there’s a code or a password or something? Some way to prove I’m loyal to the cause, and dedicated to defeating Minister Pumpkin?

So I punch him.



Sir Cucumber is a hero!

Simon runs away after a single punch, Take THAT you greasy Beatnik!



Without Simon around we rummage around the shop and find a key. I have no idea what this key goes into, but BY GOD we have it! We leave the Bookstore, since there were no actual Resistance members in here that we could sign on with.

Possibly except for Simon, who ran away.





And now we’re in jail. Super.

Will out heroes escape the clutches of the evil Farmies? What of the Resistance? Will we ever give the Bored Garlic his sandwich?

STAY TUNED, TRUE BELIEVERS!

Just a thought: maybe you got arrested for assaulting the bookstore... uh... rutabega? Not sure what that guy was.

J�cama.

wait... so is punching Colonel Klink-abega in the face is the right answer??? MADNESS!

Chapter 3: Sergeant Peppers DEADLY Hearts Club
Part 1:

To recap: Sir Cucumber and Percy’s attempts to join the Resistance kind of faltered after they beat the crap out of a German Bookstore attendant for no reason at all, and they were arrested by the Farmies. We join out intrepid heroes as they wallow in their cell.





The other inmates don’t quite seem to match their silhouettes, but that’s hardly surprising by now. Let’s see what they have to say.

Sprout: “Minister Pumpkin controls the Police. We’ll die in this jail!”
Turnip: “The Resistance Base is in the Parsley Forest, but… the Parsely Forest is a giant maze!
Potato: “I have nothing to say!”
Mushroom: “Mr. Mole found some kind of instructions. Please save the Princess”

Okay, well half of that was useful. Mr. Potato is tight lipped though. Let’s see how he responds to violence from his fellow inmates!


Here, take this File

That worked well. I’m not sure how he managed to get a File into the cell without it being discovered when he was searched. On a similar note, I’d rather not think about how that was possible.

Incidentally, the Farmies didn’t take very many items from me. They took my Clover, but that’s about it. The Saladorian police force is extremely ineffective at their job it seems. That does explain how the Potato managed to sneak in a file. No sense letting a good thing goes to waste, let’s use the File and escape.


Oh No! An officer is coming! He’s taking us to the Interrogation Room!



Sergeant Pepper looks lonely in his heart. He should join a club. He also looks hideous. There may be a connection between that and the lonliness.


You’re Resistance Members!


A file? Give it to me! So that’s how you escaped your cell!

Sir Cucumber is oddly compliant for a hero dedicated to stopping the Farmies. And his compliance is rewarded…



With a trip to the Torture Chamber. What a jerk Sergeant Pepper is!



That’s what SHE said!



Percy is kind of missing the concept of the room, I think.



After looking at the door for a while, and punching it twice, the Sergeant decides to leave. While he appeared to be genre savvy enough to watch the room to make sure you would die in it, it was just an elaborate trick to make sure that it’s proven that Sir Cucumber can’t punch his way out of the room. Bearing in mind that Sir Cucumber was previously unable to beat up a shriveled prune, I’m not entirely sure why he bothered to wait. The Sergeant is an enigma.

Mr. Mole?

Is this our first non-plant-based NPC?

Possibly! The juries still out on the police.

Well, and I've been wondering if the evil "Farmies" are really the greatest monster of all: MAN!

*gasp*

Don't worry, it's not a spoiler. The Police and the Evil Farmies are seperate entities.

Seperate... Evil entities.

Farmies totally are people though. They're evil, goofy-looking bald guys.

Notice that the "seedy" (ha) patrons of the jail are vegetables grown underground or in the darkness, with the exception of Sprout? I sense some demographic-based racism here.

Also, Sgt Pepper has an ashtray on his desk. What do they smoke in the Salad Kingdom? Carrot tops?

Percy was dying of thirst. His end will be horrible and hilariously ironic.

Ho ho, Turnip's in jail!

Actually, that's my father.

I've spend a full day trying to think of some vegetable based crime he may have been put away for.

I'm sorry Talking Time. I've let you down.

This game is amazing.

He was arrested for impersonating a rutabaga?

Yeah, I got nuthin'.