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Movie Time 2.0: TT mini reviews

Rascally Badger

El Capitan de la outro espacio
(He/Him)
The History of the Atlanta Falcons may be the best movie I've seen this year, but it has a real downer of an ending.
 

Johnny Unusual

(He/Him)
Zatoichi: Darkness Is His Ally

The final of the original continuity films and the last time Shintaro Katsu played the role. It doesn't feel like a huge ending and probably wasn't meant to be but it is a solid enough film with an 80s sensibility to the character. Sometimes to 80s, as it also contains a weird English language song that pops in from time to time. But this is definitely Shintaro's vision for the character, not as dark as some but very much feeling like he wants to make a harder edged film. It's not quite among the best but it is a very solid mid-tier story that feels a little less stagey than some of the previous films. Tonally, it feels like yet another remix of plot points we've seen before; Ichi befriends the man who is hired to kill him, Ichi beats a dice cheat, the last moment of the film is a quick fight between an established foe. Its a good movie but the fact that the era doesn't allow for a new kind of story hurts it a bit. But in terms of being the same thing but newer, it probably isn't bad and I'd like it better if I came back to it after a break from the franchise.
 

Johnny Unusual

(He/Him)
Meet the Robinsons

Still going through the Disney animated canon. I was a bit worried going into this one as it is from the era that is less well-respected (re: Chicken Little) and... well, it was somewhat founded. There is some genuinely good moments in the movie but as a whole it is not very well animated and is much more obnoxious than funny. It is trying very hard to be a wacky comedy but it all feels a lot more affected in it's attempt to be quirky than organic to the world it's made. It feels like it is meant to appear to a sugar-addled 8 year old but beyond that it is quite disappointing. The goofy villain is a highlight, despite the fact that he feels like an incredibly tired archetype. The animation, which looks pretty weak for the era, seems to serve him the best. I read that Jim Carrey was offered the role and it is clear from the get, since this is a movie that is playing EVERYTHING to the back of the theatre. Frankly, it's a weak production and the comedy doesn't work. It's nice, though, that the director improved things greatly for 2011's Winnie the Pooh, where somehow making it more an out and out comedy worked better than I expected.
 

Octopus Prime

Mysterious Contraption
(He/Him)
The Child’s Play remake was fine. Not exceptional, but fine.

I guess the real lesson it has to teach us is to not verbally harass and berate your employees, especially when they’re the ones in charge of the Violence Inhibiter Chip in your product. Another important lesson is that if you built a doll that requires a Violence Inhibitor Chip you might want to rethink the design a bit.

Really thought that the fact that the main kid needed a hearing aide was going to be important to the plot in some way. Instead, the movie fogot about it for large stretches of time, including scenes where he has lengthy conversations with people about misplacing it.
 

Adrenaline

Post Reader
(He/Him)
A doll that needs a violence inhibitor chip is stupider than a doll possessed by the soul of a serial killer
 

Dracula

Plastic Vampire
(He/His)
I agree it's so bad I watched it at least three times in theaters and sometimes I still hear in my head the pre-recorded message from when I would call the theater to find out showtimes and I'll see the name of a movie like "Hope Floats" and I'll be like "Why do I remember the name of that movie? I've never seen it" and then I'll be like "oh yeah because the prerecorded voice message would say it several times when I was calling the theater that was playing Small Soldiers and I'm still kind of sad that the toyline didn't have a large figure of Ocula that scaled well with the others but they did have a figure of Flatchoo who was only seen in artwork during the boardroom scene at the beginning and they cancelled the Kip Killigan figure because his name was too similar to a school shooter of the era and
 

Johnny Unusual

(He/Him)
The Black Hole

I've long heard of this one but this is the first time seeing it and... probably the last. It isn't awful and I appreciate that despite cribbing from Star Wars, it's going for more of a haunted house story. Unfortunately, it's a little more clumsy, particularly in it's music choices (good soundtrack, but not all of it feels appropriate). I think it's neat that they were going for a weirder, more foreboding film but in the end it's only OK and it's attempt at a trippy ending yields a creepy visual but doesn't lead to a satisfying conclusion.
 

Octopus Prime

Mysterious Contraption
(He/Him)
The last twenty minutes or so are pretty good, between a helpless effort to escape the event horizon while the ship is imploding around them, and then the trippy finale that doesn’t quite land. Also, the robed frankensteins And Max both managed to make the movie really memorable

Like Star Trek TMG, there’s a lot of stuff that looks really cool, but it’s not a movie I’d watch twice.

Also, the villain looked like Jason Manzoukas
 

Dracula

Plastic Vampire
(He/His)
I like the victorian stylings of the Cygnus. It's one of my favorite sci-fi ship designs. I just get lost in the vastness of it, with the matte paintings and the weird robed servants and everything.
 

Adrenaline

Post Reader
(He/Him)
Basically nothing in Zack Snyder's Army of the Dead: A Shallow Depth of Field Experience makes sense or is more entertaining than reading a straightforward description of it would be
 
Army of the Dead is one people can skip. The credit sequence is good but the rest of it is pretty forgettable.

I've been meaning to re-watch some Romero zombie films. Its been a while but I think my ranking goes:

1. Day of the Dead
2. Land of the Dead
3. Dawn of the Dead
4. Night of the Living Dead

All four of those movies are great. I have not seen any of his zombie films past Land. I've heard they're not very good.
 

Purple

(She/Her)
I agree with that list more or less completely. I do feel like Day is one of those movies I inevitably underrate because it's the one everyone else ripped off, but I feel like it'd still feel at least a bit by-the-numbers without that biasing.
 

Octopus Prime

Mysterious Contraption
(He/Him)
I honestly can’t tell if Transformers: The Movie directly inspired my taste in movies because it was one of my favourite films when I was tiny or if it’s one of my favourite movies since I was tiny because it fits all my needs for a fun time watching anything.

The difference is now meaningless; the snake has finished eating its tail; Transformers the Movie is what I’m looking for when I say a movie is Octo.
 

Lokii

It's always time for burgers
(He/Him)
Staff member
Moderator
I'm surprised Tiny Octo had such a fine appreciation for Megan Fox.
 

Purple

(She/Her)
At one point in my life I had a very serious rule of tabletop design that if there's no way to mechanically reflect turning into a car, driving alongside the edge of a tank to gain the momentum to leap free, ripping the tail off a sharp robot, and using it as a mace to cave it's own face in, that system needs more time in the oven.
 

Phantoon

I cuss you bad
The Black Hole

I've long heard of this one but this is the first time seeing it and... probably the last. It isn't awful and I appreciate that despite cribbing from Star Wars, it's going for more of a haunted house story. Unfortunately, it's a little more clumsy, particularly in it's music choices (good soundtrack, but not all of it feels appropriate). I think it's neat that they were going for a weirder, more foreboding film but in the end it's only OK and it's attempt at a trippy ending yields a creepy visual but doesn't lead to a satisfying conclusion.

I watched it about a month ago, and can't help but feel that there's a really good film in there if it could decide what kind of film it is. It's usually dark and violent for a children's film, then there's way too many silly bits for the weirdly brooding horror that's lurking there

Dude remember when Hot Rod punched a hole through that shark robot
I'm starting to think that if the Bay films had lots of amazing hair metal I might not hate them any more
 

Johnny Unusual

(He/Him)
I watched it about a month ago, and can't help but feel that there's a really good film in there if it could decide what kind of film it is. It's usually dark and violent for a children's film, then there's way too many silly bits for the weirdly brooding horror that's lurking there
There are films out there that can thread the needle totally on stuff like this. This isn't one. I do appreciate Between this and Something Wicked, Disney was trying to branch out.
 

Alixsar

The Shogun of Harlem
(He/him)
I remember I walked the roughly 30 minutes to the theater to see Bay's Transformers, knowing it was gonna suck but "maybe it won't be THAT bad", and the entire walk home was like...this weird mix of a walk of shame, but also a walk of unbridled rage, despondence, and laughter (I still crack up thinking about Jon Voight pseudo-Matrix-dodging the robot ninja stars). There really is no comparison.

Like hey do you want a big CG ball of metal fighting and you can't see what's going on and it's totally joyless and soulless AND pro military propaganda? Or do you want to see dinosaur robots fuck up a giant robot that's MADE OF giant robots? The choice is clear
 

Phantoon

I cuss you bad
I've long since given up trying to decide if my love of Transformers: The Movie is unbridled nostalgia or not, but it's got lots of cool mad ideas, is endlessly quotable and isn't fundamentally ugly in every way like Bay's films.

It's actually quite hard to be racist about transforming robots but damn if he doesn't somehow manage
 

Kirin

Summon for hire
(he/him)
It's also got Leonard Nimoy, Orson Welles, and Eric Idle all in the same movie, I mean how can that not be amazing?
 

Octopus Prime

Mysterious Contraption
(He/Him)
Starcrash is the perfect movie for anyone who wishes that Star Wars starred a female Han Solo, had one tenth the budget (most of which went to buying unique bikinis for individual scenes) and had ten times as much acting.

Also Christopher Plummer is there overacting by merit of under acting.
 
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