Don't Panic! Let's Play The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

I’ve been a fan of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy since I was very young. I remember watching the TV show when it was on PBS, then reading the books in school. I was really happy to discover that there existed an original radio series which I checked out from the library at least a dozen times. I still listen to them today on MP3s.

When I discovered there had been a Hitchhiker's Guide game, and not just that but a text adventure game, well I just had to get a copy. This was back in the days of BBS and having to pay for long distance calls, so it took a while to finally find it, but I did. Someone across town had a copy so I pulled together some money, got a ride and picked it up. This was an old school copy as well, 5.25 inch disk and all. Sadly it was missing the feelings, but you can see them on the Infocom Gallery if you like.

This was the Solid Gold version of the game, which had a built in hint system (AKA the old Infoclues) which I abused quite a bit to get through some puzzles. But we’re not going to be doing that this time. Nope I’m going to be doing this as blind as I can, and unlike past games, I don’t remember how to solve most of these puzzles, so it’s going to be different.

As an added bonus, if you want to play along you can! The BBC itself has put up flash versions of the game, with a lot of fancy graphics though no hint system. I’m be using my old version of the game (though played via Frotz), so no fancy pictures.

So, are you sitting comfortably, do you know where your towel is, are you a hoopy frood? Good! Then Let’s Play...

Episode 1

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarrely inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. There is yet a third theory which suggests that both of the two theories were concocted by a wily editor of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy in order to increase the level of universal uncertainty and paranoia and so boost the sales of the Guide. This last theory is of course the most convincing, because The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is the only book in the whole of the known universe to have the words “Don’t Panic” inscribed in large friendly letters on the cover.

Please enjoy this theme song.

THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY
Infocom interactive fiction - a science fiction story
Copyright (c) 1984 by Infocom, Inc. All rights reserved.
Release 31 / Serial number 871119 / Interpreter 4 Version F

You wake up. The room is spinning very gently round your head. Or at least it would be if you could see it which you can't.

It is pitch black.

Good lord, what did I do last night. I must have gotten drunk to much that it would be legendary among the gods... wait, was it last night or was it last year. I can’t remember. All I can remember is that parade once I got back to Earth, and then hitting on the President’s wife followed by hitting the President. Then there was something about witness protection and a new name and... well I guess I’ve been drunk for a very long time at this point haven’t I, I guess I better see where I am.

>turn on light
Good start to the day. Pity it's going to be the worst one of your life. The light is now on.

Bedroom, in the bed
The bedroom is a mess.
It is a small bedroom with a faded carpet and old wallpaper. There is a washbasin, a chair with a tatty dressing gown slung over it, and a window with the curtains drawn. Near the exit leading south is a phone.
There is a flathead screwdriver here. (outside the bed)
There is a toothbrush here. (outside the bed)

Well, that’s starting the day on a positive note.

>get up
Very difficult, but you manage it. The room is still spinning. It dips and sways a little.

>take gown
Luckily, this is large enough for you to get hold of. You notice something in the pocket.

>put on gown
You are now wearing your gown.

>look in gown
Opening your gown reveals a buffered analgesic, pocket fluff, and a thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is.

A buffered analgesic? That seems like a fancy way of say Aspirin, but with this headache it couldn’t hurt, so down the hatch it goes.

>take analgesic
You swallow the tablet. After a few seconds the room begins to calm down and behave in an orderly manner. Your terrible headache goes.

>take all
flathead screwdriver: Taken.
toothbrush: As you pick up the toothbrush a tree outside the window collapses. There is no causal relationship between these two events.
telephone: You pick up the receiver. A moment later, the dialing tone is suddenly cut off. Glancing through the window you can't help but notice the large old oak tree of which you are particularly fond crashing down through the phone cable. Shouldn't you be taking more interest in events in the world around you? While you've got it...?

>look out window
As you part your curtains you see that it's a bright morning, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the meadows are blooming, and a large yellow bulldozer is advancing on your home.

You know it does seem to be a rather nice day at the moment, well other than that whole bulldozer thing. Too bad it seems to be heading this way, through my front lawn. I wonder why it’s doing that... wait a moment! What the hell?

>out
You rush down the stairs in panic.

Front Porch
This is the enclosed front porch of your home. Your front garden lies to the south, and you can reenter your home to the north.
On the doormat is a pile of junk mail.

>take mail
You gather up the pile of mail.

You never know, it might be something important.

>s
Front of House
You can enter your home to the north. A path leads around it to the northeast and northwest, and a country lane is visible to the south. All that lies between your home and the huge yellow bulldozer bearing down on it is a few yards of mud.
Mr. Prosser, from the local council, is standing on the other side of the bulldozer. He seems to be wearing a digital watch. He looks startled to see you emerge, and yells at you to get out of the way.

The bulldozer rumbles slowly toward your home.

>protest
Prosser says, "I wouldn't stop the bulldozer even if you were lying in front of it!"

The bulldozer rumbles slowly toward your home.

>hit prosser
He dodges, insisting that this is incorrect procedure.

The bulldozer rumbles slowly toward your home.

I don’t know, that seemed pretty correct to me.

>stop bulldozer
You lie down in the path of the advancing bulldozer. Prosser yells at you to for crissake move!!!

>no!
I don't know the word "no!".

Well you should!

>prosser, no
"Please step aside as I need to be able to knock your house down."

The bulldozer thunders toward you. The ground is shaking beneath you as you lie in the mud.

I’m not going to move you know. I don’t care how little damage I would do to the bulldozer if rolled over me. I’m staying put here in the mud.

>enjoy the mud
It occurs to you that you've never deliberately lain in any mud before and that it's actually a pleasant sort of squishy sensation. You let the mud ooze between your toes. You may be here for some time, so you may as well make the most of it.

The noise of the giant bulldozer is now so violently loud that you can't even hear Prosser yelling to warn you that you will be killed if you don't get the hell out of the way. You just see him gesticulating wildly.

Well, at least it’s nice mud.

>wait
Time passes...

With a terrible grinding of gears the bulldozer comes to an abrupt halt just in front of you. It shakes, shudders, and emits noxious substances all over your rose bed. Prosser is incoherent with rage.

Moments later, your friend Ford Prefect arrives. He hardly seems to notice your predicament, but keeps glancing nervously at the sky. He says, "Hello, Arthur," takes a towel from his battered leather satchel, and offers it to you.

Ford, hi, how are you?

>look at ford
You see nothing special about Ford Prefect.

Ford glances uncomfortably at the sky. He offers you the towel again.

Look, I’m kind of busy at the moment, and while it’s nice of you to offer me a towel to clean up the mud, I really don’t think this is the best time for it.

>look at towel
It's covered with little pink and blue flowers.

Ford seems oblivious to your trouble, so you ask "Ford, what about my home?" He looks startled, then guilty. He starts to say something and stops. He starts to say something else and stops. Suddenly, he seems to see the bulldozer for the first time, stops starting to say things and starts.

He seems to come to a momentous decision, says he has something of Earth-shattering importance to tell you, and stresses the importance of a quick drink at the Horse 'n Groom.

Pointing toward Prosser, you exclaim, "But that man wants to knock my house down!" Ford goes off for a quiet word with Prosser. From where you're lying, you cannot hear what's happening, although they seem deeply engrossed in conversation.

Fine, I’ll just stay here in the mud.

>wait
Time passes...

Ford and Prosser stop talking and approach you. Ford says that Prosser has agreed to lie in your place so that the two of you can go off to the Pub. Reluctantly, Prosser steps forward and lies down in front of the bulldozer. You stand up.

>okay....
You sound rather positive.

So, what do you want me to do now Ford?

>wait
Time passes...

Ford, urging you to follow, hurries toward the country lane.

>follow ford
In a state of anxiety and confusion you follow Ford down the lane...

Country Lane
The road runs from your home, to the north, toward the village Pub, to the west.
Ford Prefect is here.

"Come along, Arthur," says Ford impatiently, and enters the Pub.

>follow ford
In a state of anxiety and confusion you follow Ford down the lane...

Pub
The Pub is pleasant and cheerful and full of pleasant and cheerful people who don't know they've got about twelve minutes to live and are therefore having a spot of lunch. Some music is playing on an old jukebox. The exit is east.
Ford Prefect is here.
There is a barman serving at the bar.
Behind the bar is a shelf. It is full of the sort of items you find on shelves behind bars in pubs.

Ford buys lots of beer and offers half to you. "Muscle relaxant..." he says, impenetrably.

Really, aren’t you a bit fatalistic. And Ford, it’s not even lunch time, is the really the right moment to be getting drunk? I mean I like a good beer (though I think my favorite is a Welsh brand) but this hardly seems like the time. Well, it’s not like I have anything better to do.

>drink beer
It's very good beer, brewed by a small local company. You particularly like its flavour, which is why you woke up feeling so wretched this morning. You were at somebody's birthday party here in the Pub last night.

You begin to relax and enjoy yourself, so when Ford mentions that he's from a small planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, not from Guildford as he usually claims, you take it in your stride, and say, "Oh yes, which part?"

>drink beer
It is really very pleasant stuff, with a very good dry, nutty flavour, some light froth on top, and a deep colour. It is at exactly room temperature. You reflect that the world cannot be all bad when there are such pleasures in it.

Ford mentions that the world is going to end in about twelve minutes

So I keep hearing. I don’t think you’re really right in the head Ford.

>drink beer
There is a distant crash which Ford explains is nothing to worry about, probably just your house being knocked down.

What?! By god it is, what the hell are they doing, we had an agreement! Stop you vandals, you home wreckers, you half crazed Visigoths, stop!

>out
Country Lane
You see the huge bulldozer heaving itself among the cloud of brick dust which is all that remains of your home. As you start up the lane, a small dog runs up to you, yapping.

Ford hurries after you.

>look at dog
The mongrel looks hungry.

>n
You reach the site of what was your home. It is now a pile of rubble. Mr. Prosser looks sheepishly triumphant, a trick few people can do, as it requires a lot of technically complex deltoid muscle work.

Front of House
Mr. Prosser, from the local council, is standing on the other side of the bulldozer. He seems to be wearing a digital watch.

Ford hurries after you.

You pinstriped barbarians, I’ll sue the council for every penny it’s got! I’ll have you hung and drawn and quartered and whipped and boiled, and then I’ll chop you up into little bits until... until you’ve had enough! Then I’ll do it some more, and when I’ve finished I’ll take all the little bits and then I’ll jump on them! And I’ll carry on jumping on them until I get blisters, or I can think of something even more unpleasant to do.

>prosser, what about my house
Prosser explains the local planning regulations and says, by way of reassurance, that you will probably be rehoused within a couple of years.

With a noise like a cross between Led Zeppelin's farewell concert and the eruption of Krakatoa, a huge fleet of Vogon Constructor ships flies overhead and announces that the Earth will be demolished to make way for a new hyperspace bypass in "two of your Earth minutes."

>hit prosser
You muck up all his fancy facial work. This is the last moment of satisfaction you will experience for some time.

Well now, that felt very good! Now, what the hell is that?!

The vast yellow ships thunder across the sky, spreading waves of terror and panic in their wake. The voice of the Vogon Captain slams across the country, insisting that the planning charts and demolition orders have been available at the local planning office in Alpha Centauri for fifty years and it's too late to start making a fuss about it now.

Throughout the noise, Ford is shouting at you. He removes a small black device from his satchel, but accidentally drops it at your feet.

What in the world is that?

>pick up device
Taken.

Fierce gales whip across the land, and thunder bangs continuously through the air in the wake of the giant ships. Ford fights to reach you, but the wind is too fierce. Further announcements from the Vogon Captain make it clear that demolition will begin in just a few seconds.

Through the blinding rain, you see lights flickering on the small device.

>look at device
The electronic Sub-Etha signaling device is shaped like a small fist with an extended thumb. Various lights along its "knuckles" are currently blinking wildly, indicating a spaceship in the vicinity. It has two small buttons, a red one labelled "Call Engineer" and a green one labelled "Hitchhike." It bears a small label which reads "Another fine product of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation." Affixed to the Thumb is a lifetime guarantee.

Well, I don’t think an engineer will be able to help me in this situation. So I’m going to try pressing the green button!

>press green button
Lights whirl sickeningly around your head, the ground arches away beneath your feet, and every atom of your being is scrambled, an experience you're probably going to have to get used to. You are in...

Dark

Well... I think that worked I guess.. I’m just going to stay here for the moment and try to catch my bearings.

> inventory
There's nothing you can taste, nothing you can see, nothing you can hear, nothing you can feel, nothing you can smell, you do not even know who you are.

That didn’t help...

Puzzles:
The Darkness

Inventory:
???????

Deaths: 0

I think you're supposed to just wait, if I remember correctly. Also, I may be misremembering, but didn't you have to feed the dog something? I can't remember what, or the reason, but I'm pretty sure it was required if you wanted to win? Then again, the end of this update is the farthest I ever got, so don't take my word for it!

This is one of the most infamous games ever, in a genre full of infamous games. (Re Soren's spoiler, IIRC you haven't made the game unwinnable yet because you have a second chance, but it's pretty easy to miss the action both the chances you get. Not completely sure, though.)

I think there's a chance to do it later.

I've played this game to completion, so I'll be watching from the sidelines. I will, however, mention that there is no solution to the darkness right now. Kind of an awkward place to leave off.

Noted! I never got past this room, so from here on out I probably won't be much help. I'll do my best, though!

Yep, you can do it later. In fact I never knew you could do it this early until I ran into people complaining about it online, thinking it would make the game unwinnable to miss it so early.

Unfortunately I have played the game as well, so I'll sit it out. I'm jealous, though -- it really is an excellently written game, and I wish I could experience it again for the first time. You're doing a great job of showing off the humorous actions as you go.

I've played this, not that I remember hardly anything except what's already been mentioned.

this is the game that got my dad to buy the Infocom Sci-Fi collection. He was familiar with the radio drama and the book. I knew nothing of either when i first played the game. I did read the book when i got a bit older and I have to say Douglas Adams is one of the few british writers where that brand of british dry humor is actually funny to me.

So far I think you've done everything exactly as you should. this first part is pretty easy if you're familiar with the source material. I had trouble with the dozer as a youth. I had no idea what a buffered whatever was.

Wow, in one update you've gotten farther in this game than I ever have. Every single time I've tried to play this game I end up getting decapitated by a brick from my demolished house. And I've read the books and everything!

I bought the (first) book as a kind of impromptu hint book to get me out of my front yard alive. It didn't help, but at least it got me into the series. I wound up needing the official InvisiClues booklet, which was also amusing in its own way and a good purchase overall.

I played this game on my Commodore 64; I must have been about seven or eight years old. Good times. Fast forward to today and I've named just about every electronic gizmo in the house that needs a name (for networking) after something in the Hitchhiker's universe. Some names are quite clever, if I do say so myself, and the whole scheme makes perfect sense (to me, at least).

Wild guess, you took the towel from Ford? That's a funny way to get an early death.

That seems like a perfect naming scheme

Episode 2

Well… that seems perfectly reasonable. I think I can give that a try.

>wait
You can't hear anything, see anything, smell anything, feel anything, or taste anything, and do not even know where you are or who you are or how you got there.

Hum… that’s not that helpful…

>wait
You can't hear anything, see anything, smell anything, feel anything, or taste anything, and do not even know where you are or who you are or how you got there.

>wait
You can't hear anything, see anything, smell anything, feel anything, or taste anything, and do not even know where you are or who you are or how you got there.

>wait
There's nothing you can taste, nothing you can see, nothing you can hear, nothing you can feel, you do not even know who you are.

Wait, I can smell something? Well I think I can smell something. I mean I really can’t tell with everything that isn’t going on. Well let’s find out what the darkness smells like?

>smell
(darkness)
It does smell a bit. There's something pungent being waved under your nose. Your head begins to clear. You can make out a shadow moving in the dark.

>look at shadow
The shadow is vaguely Ford Prefect-shaped.

Vogon Hold
This is a squalid room filled with grubby mattresses, unwashed cups, and unidentifiable bits of smelly alien underwear. A door lies to port, and an airlock lies to starboard.
In the corner is a glass case with a switch and a keyboard.
It looks like the glass case contains:
an atomic vector plotter
Along one wall is a tall dispensing machine.

Ford removes the bottle of Santraginean Mineral Water which he's been waving under your nose. He tells you that you are aboard a Vogon spaceship, and gives you some peanuts.

Author: If I was to ask you where the hell we were, would I regret it?
Ford: We’re save.
Author: Oh, Good.
Ford: We’re in a small galley cabin in one of the spaceships of the Vogon Constructor fleet.
Author: Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word ‘safe’ that I wasn’t previously aware of.

A spaceship… I’m on a space ship. I’ve never been on a spaceship before, at least not officially. I really should have a look around, I mean it worked out for me well enough last time. So let’s see what’s in this strange hold I’ve landed inside of.

>look at dispensing machine
The dispenser is tall, has a button at around eye-level, and says "Babel Fish" in large letters. Anything dispensed would probably come out the slot at around knee-level. It bears a small label which reads "Another fine product of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation."

You begin to feel distinctly groggy.

>look at glass case
The glass case is closed. Attached to it are a keyboard and a switch.

You begin to feel indistinctly groggy.

>look keyboard
Use prepositions to indicate precisely what you want to do: LOOK AT the object, LOOK INSIDE it, LOOK UNDER it, etc.

You begin to feel very indistinct.

>look at keyboard
You see nothing special about the keyboard.

Your serious allergic reaction to protein loss from matter transference beams becomes a cause celebre amongst various holistic pressure groups in the Galaxy and leads to a total ban on dematerialisation. Within fifty years, space travel is replaced by a keen interest in old furniture restoration and market gardening. In this new, quieter Galaxy, the art of telepathy flourishes as never before, creating a new universal harmony which brings all life together, converts all matter into thought and brings about the rebirth of the entire Universe on a higher and better plane of existence.

However, none of this affects you, because you are dead.

That seems a bit unfortunate. I guess I should have eaten those peanuts Ford gave me. Well I have a magic word that can fix everything!

>restore
Okay.
Vogon Hold
Ford Prefect is here.
In the corner is a glass case with a switch and a keyboard.
It looks like the glass case contains:
an atomic vector plotter
Along one wall is a tall dispensing machine.

>eat peanuts
You feel stronger as the peanuts replace some of the protein you lost in the matter transference beam.

There, that’s better. Now I can try making sense of everything. First off, inventory!

>i
You have:
no tea
an electronic Sub-Etha signaling device
a loose pile of junk mail
a toothbrush
a flathead screwdriver
your gown (being worn)
It looks like your gown contains:
pocket fluff
a thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is

No tea? That’s a pity, the tea would have made things so much better. I wonder if anyone else has tea now that the Earth has been demolished.

>wait
Time passes...

Ford yawns. "Matter transference always tires me out. I'm going to take a nap." He places something on top of his satchel. "If you have any questions, here's The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" (Footnote 14). Ford lowers his voice to a whisper. "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you'll never be able to finish the game without consulting the Guide about lots of stuff." As he curls up in a corner and begins snoring, you pick up The Hitchhiker's Guide.


You know Ford, you’re not supposed to be admitting that we’re in a game. It’s just not done. Now… about that footnote.

>footnote 14
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is also the name of a terrific work of interactive fiction by Douglas Adams and S. Eric Meretzky. But then again you must already know that, since you bought one.

I think this is getting hopelessly meta. Well, let’s see about consulting the Guide on a few things. Let’s start with what the heck a vogon is!

>consult guide about vogon
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

Vogons, whose specialties are bureaucracy and planet-smashing, are the most unpleasant race in the Galaxy. They wouldn't think twice about throwing someone into space, and wouldn't lift a finger to save their own grandmother from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. Also see the entries on Vogon poetry and the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.

>consult guide about vogon poetry
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

Vogon poetry is so awful that even the Sarkopsi of Burphon XII, whose religion strictly forbids the taking of one's life, consider suicide a preferable alternative to a Vogon poetry reading.

>consult guide about bugblatter beast of traal
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal is a mind-bogglingly stupid animal. It has almost no capacity for learning from experience and is therefore surprised by virtually everything that happens to it. Here is an example of how stupid it is: it thinks that if you can't see it, it can't see you.
Its behaviour would be quite endearing if it wasn't spoilt by this one thing: it is the most violently carnivorous creature in the Galaxy. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

Oh dear, it’s much like wikipedia… or even worse, TVTropes! I wonder what else I could look up? Suggestions are always wanted!

>consult guide about Earth
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

Mostly harmless.

Well that’s hardly helpful… Now what did it say on the machine?

>look at machine
The dispenser is tall, has a button at around eye-level, and says "Babel Fish" in large letters. Anything dispensed would probably come out the slot at around knee-level. It bears a small label which reads "Another fine product of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation."

It is of course well known that careless talk costs lives, but the full scale of the problem is not always appreciated. For instance, at the exact moment you said "consult guide about Earth" a freak wormhole opened in the fabric of the space-time continuum and carried your words far far back in time across almost infinite reaches of space to a distant galaxy where strange and warlike beings were poised on the brink of frightful interstellar battle.

The two opposing leaders were meeting for the last time. A dreadful silence fell across the conference table as the commander of the Vl'Hurgs, resplendent in his black jewelled battle shorts, gazed levelly at the G'Gugvunt leader squatting opposite him in a cloud of green, sweet-smelling steam. As a million sleek and horribly beweaponed star cruisers poised to unleash electric death at his single word of command, the Vl'Hurg challenged his vile enemy to take back what it had said about his mother.

The creature stirred in its sickly broiling vapour, and at that very moment the words "consult guide about Earth" drifted across the conference table. Unfortunately, in the Vl'Hurg tongue this was the most dreadful insult imaginable, and there was nothing for it but to wage terrible war for centuries. Eventually the error was detected, but over two hundred and fifty thousand worlds, their peoples and cultures perished in the holocaust.

You have destroyed most of a small galaxy. Please pick your words with greater care.

Maybe I should just stop talking now. That was completely unexpected and rather surprising… I think it will be best if I just ignore it for now and just move on… yes, moving on.

>consult guide about Babel fish
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

A mind-bogglingly improbable creature. A babel fish, when placed in one's ear, allows one to understand any language.

Now that would be useful, but how do I get one?

>press dispenser button
A single babel fish shoots out of the slot. It sails across the room and through a small hole in the wall, just under a metal hook.

I’m going to have to think about this. And welcome to probably the second most frustrating puzzle in the history of Infocom, right after the Baseball puzzle in Zork II

Puzzles:
Getting a babel fish

Inventory:
no tea
The Hitchhiker's Guide
an electronic Sub-Etha signaling device
a loose pile of junk mail
a toothbrush
a flathead screwdriver
your gown (being worn)
It looks like your gown contains:
pocket fluff
a thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is

Score:
Your score is 33 of a possible 400, in 54 turns.

Deaths: 1 (Allergy to not eating Peanuts)

Things to look up in the Guide:

• the Guide
• Santraginean mineral water
• Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
• peanuts
• atomic vector plotter
• the Thumb

Oh, my God. Click.

eta: I just saw a blind run of Kaizo Mario World, where Mario jumped off a ledge only to hit his head on an invisible block, drop into the pit, and die. So he backed up and jumped to avoid the block, only to land on a fireball, drop into the pit, and die. So he did a spin jump to avoid the block and bounce off the fireball, only to hit another invisible block, drop into the pit, and die. This is kind of like that, only with less to look at.

Can we fish the, uh, fish out of the hole with the screwdriver, or maybe the toothbrush? Or maybe it likes to eat pocket fluff. Could we lure it out with that? Or you could try reaching into the hole with your hand, or maybe move the metal hook out of the way first. Ooh, or get the metal hook and use that to get the fish out of the hole.

That's about all I got in terms of ideas.

As a quick aside before the next update, today is Towel Day!

Maybe if you use every item in your inventory in an increasingly unintuitive manner, the babel fish will land right in your ear.

Episode 3

That seems like a good set of ideas to pick the guide’s brain about, shall we see what it has to say on these subjects?

>consult guide about the guide
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

The Hitchhiker's Guide is a wholly remarkable product. But then again you must already know that, since you bought one.

>consult guide about santraginean mineral water
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

A strong body of opinion holds that this is not water at all, despite the claims on the label about how pure the spring is, and all that tosh about sparkling babbling brooks and so on. There is something highly suspect about the water on Santraginus Five, as anyone who's ever met any of their fish will tell you.

Ah, so it’s pretty much normal mineral water then.

>consult guide about sirius cybernetics corporation
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation incompetently produces a wide range of inefficient and unreliable high-tech machinery. However, thanks to SCC's ruthless marketing division, this junk accounts for over 95% of the high-tech machinery sold in the Galaxy. (SCC's marketing division will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.)

Which revolution? It’s a big galaxy, there is bound to be more than one going on at any given time.

>consult guide about peanuts
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

Sources of protein, such as the common peanut, are carried by all serious hitchhikers. Protein loss occurs in matter transference beams and you will become groggy unless you replace it immediately.

Now you tell me!

>consult guide about atomic vector plotter
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

The atomic vector plotter is one of the primary application devices of Improbability Physics.

Just nod like you understand…

>consult guide about the thumb
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

The Electronic Sub-Etha Auto Hitching Thumb is a wonderful thing, but should not be mistreated. If used while a ship is near, you will be transported there. If no ship is in the vicinity, you will place a heavy strain on the Thumb's logic circuits, which could lead to malfunction. The Thumb carries the usual Sirius Cybernetics Corporation lifetime guarantees.

The usual guarantee, so it’s bit rubbish then? Sounds like the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation is the last company I would want to buy anything from, but I still have no choice in the matter… so pretty much like all electronics then. Got it.

Now, how about getting that fish?

Now that’s just crazy talk!

Well I don’t see why not. Let’s try applying time A to item B and see if we get any sort of result other then ‘you can’t do that’.

>put screwdriver in slot
You can't put the flathead screwdriver in a babel fish dispenser!

>put toothbrush in slot
You can't put the toothbrush in a babel fish dispenser!

>put fluff in slot
You can't put pocket fluff in a babel fish dispenser!

Well… no, I guess not.

>look at hook
The hook is attached to the wall, inches above a tiny hole.

>move hook
You can't move the metal hook.

Well the hook looks pretty well in place… maybe I can plug the hole?

>put screwdriver in hole
It falls through the hole and vanishes.

Oh dear, I think I’m going to need that before the game is over with. I mean if I don’t have it with me you just KNOW I’m going to need it at some random point in time.

>restore
Okay.

So… maybe I can block the hole, but with what? Maybe it I put something on the hook…

Puzzles:
Getting a babel fish

Inventory:
no tea
The Hitchhiker's Guide
an electronic Sub-Etha signaling device
a loose pile of junk mail
a toothbrush
a flathead screwdriver
your gown (being worn)
It looks like your gown contains:
pocket fluff
a thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is

Score:
Your score is 33 of a possible 400, in 54 turns.

Deaths: 1 (Allergy to not eating Peanuts)

Well it's pretty clear that the hook is going to need something hanging on it that will prevent the Babel Fish from launching into the hole. Unfortunately, the only thing we really have for that is our witless (and tea-less) protagonist's bathrobe. Worth a shot, though!

As a huge Hitchhiker's fan I've been curious about this game for a long time, so this is a very enjoyable read. So much additional Adams humor!

I also second attempting to put your dressing gown on the hook, though I suspect the babel fish will just put a hole in it.

Episode 3.1

Well, I can’t come up with any objection to that, in fact it almost seems reasonable!

Vogon Hold
There is a satchel here.
There is a towel here.
Ford is in the corner, snoring loudly.
In the corner is a glass case with a switch and a keyboard.
It looks like the glass case contains:
an atomic vector plotter
Along one wall is a tall dispensing machine.

>take off gown
Okay, you're no longer wearing your gown.

>hang gown on hook
The gown is now hanging from the hook, covering a tiny hole.

>press dispenser button
A single babel fish shoots out of the slot. It sails across the room and hits the dressing gown. The fish slides down the sleeve of the gown and falls to the floor, vanishing through the grating of a hitherto unnoticed drain.

Almost reasonable. So now how do I block the drain?

Hmm... covering the drain with the towel might work.

Oh, it's one of THESE puzzles. I bet once we cover the drain up, some other unforeseen problem will pop up that has to be solved too. It's Bureaucracy all over again, only worse.

Episode 3.2

Well that doesn’t seem any less reasonable then the gown, and luckily there is one right here.

>pick up towel
Taken.

>put towel over drain
The towel completely covers the drain.

>press dispenser button
A single babel fish shoots out of the slot. It sails across the room and hits the dressing gown. The fish slides down the sleeve of the gown and falls to the floor, landing on the towel. A split second later, a tiny cleaning robot whizzes across the floor, grabs the fish, and continues its breakneck pace toward a tiny robot panel at the base of the wall. The robot zips through the panel, and is gone.

Of course, I should have seen that coming.

Well, I can’t say I wasn’t warned. I wonder what the guide has to say about insane text adventures puzzles. I somehow doubt it would be very helpful. On to stopping that annoying robot.

I knew it. Sounds like something needs to prevent it from either entering or exiting the room. We don't know where it's coming from, but we do know where it's going. Something nice and bulky to block its progress to the panel would do the trick.

Maybe we can move Ford in front of the panel to block it for us. Failing that, we could sit in front of the panel.

It's probably actually the pile of junk mail.