Don't Panic! Let's Play The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

It's cursed! We must ask the Guide about the nearest altar to Blind Io!

Or ask it about things aunts give you or something I dunno.

It's past midnight, I'm not required to make sense.

Brownian motion? Perhaps the Guide can give us some information on that... And on improbability physics, of course.

In my Hitchhiker's network naming scheme, I named our huge (at the time) external HDD "The Gift" (another term the parser recognizes for "a thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is"). It holds a lot.

Less meaningfully, perhaps: my Android phone is Marvin, and my Wii (going off the image of the two I dots as heads) is Zaphod.

I just found out my grandma still has the boxed version of this game from like 30 years ago.

It still has all the stuff that came with it.

I'm going to see if I can find it, and if so, take a picture of it all, cause it was neat stuff.

Episode 9

Blind Io? Well I guess that couldn’t hurt to try, right?

>ask guide about blind io
I don't know the word "blind".

I guess the game doesn’t know about Diskworld. Is that good or bad?

>ask guide about thing
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

That is one of the Great Unanswered Questions. For a list of the others, consult the Guide.

>ask guide about great unanswered questions
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

That is one of the Great Unanswered Questions. For a list of the others, consult the Guide.

You know, I just did ask the guide about it. Too bad the guide seems to be more interesting in recursion humor then helping much with my current situation. Whatever that might be.

>ask guide about brownian motion
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

The best randomness generator is simple Brownian motion. Any hot gas or liquid is a good source.

See, one of the many reasons that tea is an important part of my diet. I need that extra randomness in my day, without it I would never be in a situation like this one. Which might be a good thing come to think of it. Never mind.

>ask guide about improbability physics
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

Scientists have long known how to produce FINITE amounts of improbability, using a finite Improbability Generator, an atomic vector plotter and a good source of Brownian motion. Recently, however, they have learned to generate INFINITE amounts, thanks to the invention of the Infinite Improbability Generator. It is rumored that an Infinite Improbability Drive, based on this new generator, is currently under development. Also see the entries on atomic vector plotter and Brownian motion.

Finite improbability, that sounds somewhat deadly to me. On the other hand I think it’s time for a wiki crawl of all these wonderful terms the guide just gave us. Don’t you agree?

>ask guide about atomic vector plotter
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

The atomic vector plotter is one of the primary application devices of Improbability Physics.

I know that, that’s where I just came from!

>ask guide about infinite improbability generator
I don't know the word "infinite".

Because I’m sure that word won’t be important to this game at all!

>ask guide about improbability generator
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

>ask guide about improbability drive
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

Scientists have long known how to produce FINITE amounts of improbability, using a finite Improbability Generator, an atomic vector plotter and a good source of Brownian motion. Recently, however, they have learned to generate INFINITE amounts, thanks to the invention of the Infinite Improbability Generator. It is rumored that an Infinite Improbability Drive, based on this new generator, is currently under development. Also see the entries on atomic vector plotter and Brownian motion.

Well, that just lead me back to where I started. On the other hand I have some interesting things I can do because… wait for it. I have an atomic vector plotter! I’m so glad I dallied around long enough to pick it up before I got thrown out of the airlock. I’m still not sure I’m recovered from that, if anyone cares.

>look at atomic vector plotter
The atomic vector plotter has a small receptacle and a long, dangly bit. It bears a small label which reads "Another fine product of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation."

Now I also need some Brownian motion, and an improbability generator. I think there was one in the engine room. But first let’s see if I can free up some room in my hands. I know I can put things into the thing my aunt gave me, so let’s use it for the rest of the tools.

>put pincer in thing
Done.

>put tweezers in thing
Done.

Good, that’s a few less things I need to worry about right now.

Galley
You are in the Galley area of the ship, containing a machine which is the state of the art in Nutritional Technology, a Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Nutrimat. There is an exit to starboard.
A carton labelled "Nutrimat/Computer Interface" is sitting here.
It looks like the shipping carton contains:
a strange gun

>press pad
The Nutrimat makes an instant but highly detailed examination of your taste buds, a spectroscopic analysis of your metabolism and sends tiny experimental signals down your neural pathways to see what you like.
A cupful of Advanced Tea Substitute appears in the dispensing slot.

Zaphod Beeblebrox walks in and presses the touch-sensitive pad. The Nutrimat produces a huge, ice-cold Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster. Zaphod heads off toward the sauna, sipping loudly.

You do love your crazy named alcohol, don’t you Zaphod? But don’t you think you may have had enough?

There's nothing worse than having only one drunk head.

I guess that would be an issue for you wouldn’t it?

>take substitute
Taken.

You know, I never did take a good look at that gun.

>take gun
Taken.

>look at gun
The gun has a large label which reads "Anti-Bugblatter Beast Ray Gun." It bears a small label which reads "Another fine product of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation."

That almost seems like it would be useful, assuming there is a Bugblatter Beast running around the ship. Thankfully I think we can safely avoid that risk!

Engine Room
This is the room that houses the powerful Infinite Improbability Generator that drives the Heart of Gold. An exit lies fore of here.
Sitting in the corner is a spare, portable Improbability Generator.
There is a sales brochure here.

>look at generator
The spare Improbability Drive has a switch, a long cord ending with a large plug, and a short cord ending with a small plug. It bears a small label which reads "Another fine product of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation."

Looks like I should be able to plug that into the plotter, and somewhere else… I better take it and see where I can plug it in at.

>take generator
Your load is too heavy.

Let’s put some more stuff away.

>put gun in thing
Done.

>put signaling device in thing
Done.

>take generator
Your load is too heavy.

Okay, lets just get everything I can in that thing.

>put all in thing
Advanced Tea Substitute: Done.
atomic vector plotter: Done.
towel: Done.
The Hitchhiker's Guide: Done.
your gown: You can't put your gown in the thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is when the thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is is already in your gown!
pair of hypersonic pliers: Done.
ionic diffusion rasp: Done.
flathead screwdriver: Done.
toothbrush: Done.
pocket fluff: Done.
babel fish: You'll have to remove it first.

Where the hell did she get this thing? I mean, really? How can I… but it’s small, I mean some of this stuff is smaller then it. I mean… how… but… it’s just… that’s too big and it’s too small. How in the world did she even buy this… thing? I mean what are the odds?

You know what, no, I’m not going to worry about this. This whole universe is crazy, why should I be the only one trying to makes sense of it. So you know what, I’m not!

Moving on.

>Plug plotter into generator
In case you hadn't noticed, there are two connections leading from the spare Improbability Drive...

>Plug small plug into plotter
Plugged.

>put dangly ends in substitute
Done.

Nice! And now I just flip the switch and…

>flip switch
A mist spins round your head. You fall into what seems like a bottomless pit. Suddenly, you hit the bottom so hard that you wish it had been bottomless...

Dark

Ah, here we go again, this happens a bit too much for my taste.

>wait
You can see nothing, feel nothing, hear nothing, taste nothing, smell nothing, and are not entirely certain who you are.

>wait
You can't hear anything, see anything, smell anything, feel anything, or taste anything, and do not even know where you are or who you are or how you got there.

>wait
You can see nothing, feel nothing, hear nothing, taste nothing, smell nothing, and are not entirely certain who you are.

>wait
You can feel nothing, hear nothing, taste nothing, smell nothing, and are not entirely certain who you are.

Oh, but I guess I can see something now! So, what can I see?

>look at dark
You see a painfully bright light that stabs at the front of your eyes.

>look at light
The light resolves itself into the bright yellow Sun of Earth.

You are hurrying up a country lane. The sky is light and clear, but you keep glancing at it with apprehension because you know that it will shortly be torn apart by Vogon ships, and that the hills and trees around you will just burn up and blow away, and you hope there's time for a quick drink beforehand.

You want to hitch a ride aboard the Vogon fleet, but are anxious because it's so long since you were through a matter transference beam.

Country Lane
The road runs from Arthur's home, to the north, toward the village Pub, to the west.

Okay… I think we need to remember, DON’T PANIC!

Puzzles:
Getting tea
Fluff?
Being Ford!

Inventory:
You have:
a satchel

Score:
Your score is 110 of a possible 400, in 224 turns.

Deaths: 2 (Allergy to not eating Peanuts, Drinking Tea Substitute)

Wow... that's very cool. I can't wait to see the picture, feel free to post it here

Your grandma? Now I feel old.

Let me know if you can't find it. I know my copy is still in my parents' basement (in my old C64 computer desk).

"being ford" should be a pretty simple puzzle. Just do everything that we observed ford doing when we went through this same scene as Arthur...

Also, now the satchel is ours, so maybe we can look in it now...

Indeed, I think there's some fluff in there.

This phrase made my head explode.

Episode 10

Deep breaths: in… and out… in… and out… Okay, I think I can deal with being Ford, it’s no stranger than anything else that has happened so far today(wait, is it still today? I guess so now that I think about it).

Yes, I suppose that would be the best way to go about it. Just do everything that already happened, as well as look in the satchel.

>look in satchel
Opening the satchel reveals Santraginean Mineral Water, a towel, The Hitchhiker's Guide, an electronic Sub-Etha signaling device, and satchel fluff.

Oh look, more fluff, I guess it’s useful to have some extra fluff in this case. Maybe?

>take fluff
Taken.

I should take the guide and towel as well, just to be safe.

>take towel. take guide
Taken.

Taken.

Now, on to meeting myself… I mean meeting the real, that is Arthur even though I’m Arthur… I mean… well you know what I mean!

>n
Front of House
Before you is the house of your friend, Arthur Dent, who is lying in front of a bulldozer; you have no idea why. You have no idea about most things about Arthur, even why you regard him as a friend, but you do, and must therefore return his towel before you leave.
Nearby stands an impatient man. There seems to be a bit of an atmosphere.

So, I should give myself the towel I tried to give myself.

>give towel to arthur
Inexplicably, Arthur takes no notice of the towel which, magnificently, you are trying to return to him. Instead, he says, "Ford, what about my home?"

You start guiltily. Does he actually KNOW that the Earth is about to be destroyed? You start to ask him, then stop. If he knows, what the Zark is he doing lying here in the mud in front of...

You look around. You notice the bulldozer properly for the first time. You notice Arthur's house. You notice the workmen. The penny drops. His HOUSE is about to be demolished. You feel like a complete...what's the word?

>fool
No, actually, "idiot" was the word I was looking for.

In a reckless moment you go completely mad and decide that you ought to take Arthur with you. You try to tell Arthur about the importance of getting a drink, but he's rambling on about a man called Prosser.

Well if my past self is going to ignore the advice of past Ford, I should go talk to past Mr. Prosser before he becomes the Late Mr. Prosser. Wow, that made some sort of twisted sense.

>talk to prosser
Prosser can't hear you from here.

Well I guess I better move over there.

>move to prosser
That sentence isn't one I recognise.

Then where is he?

>look at prosser
Mr. Prosser, from the local council, is standing on the other side of the bulldozer. He seems to be wearing a digital watch.

Ah, so there he is, so I shall move to there.

>walk around bulldozer
You walk around the bulldozer. Prosser is standing here, looking cross and frustrated. Realising that you are a friend of Arthur's he starts to talk at you. He says that this sort of protest is all very well, but what Mr. Dent must realise is that he's had plenty of time to make a formal protest at the proper time and place, and that spending months going through the appropriate official channels, filling in the appropriate official forms, and going to the appropriate official public hearings is the right way of going about it, and lying around whimsically in the mud is not. He says that he personally hates mud and despises the sort of people who lie in it.

>talk to prosser
Hmmm ... Mr. Prosser looks at you expectantly, as if you seemed to be about to talk.

So, no easy way out then. I’m going to have to say something to him. But what I should I say. If I remember right he took Arthur’s place in front of the bulldozer, I can’t just tell him to lie down in the mud now can I? Well, why not?

>Prosser, Lie down in the mud
Prosser blinks in astonishment. "You mean, go and lie in the mud in his place...?" You explain that Arthur will only move if someone else takes over for him. Prosser shakes his head in such a manner as to suggest that he is very weary of the world, and you tactfully forebear from mentioning that it won't be troubling him much longer. Reluctantly, he follows you back toward Arthur.

You rapidly conclude the business. Prosser lies in the mud. Arthur, bewildered, nevertheless stands up and appears ready to follow you to the Pub.

Wait, that worked? Wait, that worked?! This one took me forever before! Well sometimes things work out in my favor. Now I just need to get some beer for us both!

>s
Country Lane
The road runs from Arthur's home, to the north, toward the village Pub, to the west.
Arthur follows you.

>w
Pub
The Pub is pleasant and cheerful and full of pleasant and cheerful people who don't know they've got about twelve minutes to live and are therefore having a spot of lunch. Some music is playing on an old jukebox. The exit is east.
There is a barman serving at the bar.
Behind the bar is a shelf. It is full of the sort of items you find on shelves behind bars in pubs.
Arthur follows you.

It’s time to get good a smashed!

>buy beer
You order six pints of bitter -- three for you, three for Arthur. According to The Hitchhiker's Guide this should cushion your system against the coming shock of the matter transference beam.

As you drink the first pint, you mention to Arthur that you are from a different planet, but it makes little impression. This surprises you, because you thought it was the sort of thing that would interest people.

Huh, wonder what’s on the shelf?

>look at shelf
On the shelf behind the bar is the usual array of bottles, glasses and soggy beermats, some packets of peanuts, and a plate of uninviting cheese sandwiches.

Oh right, the peanuts, I’m going to need those. And there’s that cheese sandwich, I’m sure that could come in handy, maybe I could feed it to the hungry dog?

>drink beer
It goes down well. At least they managed to get something right on this benighted planet. You decide it's time to tell Arthur that the world is about to end. You tell him. Arthur is completely unperturbed. Curious. You wonder what sort of news it would take to disturb him.

>drink beer
It goes down well. You hear a muffled crash. It's probably Arthur's little house getting knocked down, which you tell him. This DOES upset him, and he tears out the door.

Through the window, you see him running up the lane. A small dog chases after him, yapping, but he ignores it. The dog gulps uncomfortably.

Well there I go, well I guess there I went. But that doesn’t look to good with the dog. Better stock up!

>buy peanuts
You buy some peanuts, which you'll need to replace protein loss from the matter transference beam, a tip you picked up from The Hitchhiker's Guide.

>buy sandwich
The barman gives you a cheese sandwich. The bread is like the stuff that stereos come packed in, the cheese would be great for rubbing out spelling mistakes, and margarine and pickle have performed an unedifying chemical reaction to produce something that shouldn't be, but is, turquoise. Since it is clearly unfit for human consumption you are grateful to be charged only a pound for it.

>exit
Country Lane
The road runs from Arthur's home, to the north, toward the village Pub, to the west.
You run up the lane after Arthur. You pass an irritable dog who yaps at you.

>feed dog
(the cheese sandwich)
The dog is in a bad mood and tries to bite your hand. The cheese sandwich lies ignored in the roadside dust.

Damn, I guess he’s not hungry anymore. That could be a problem…

>n
You run up the lane after Arthur. You pass an irritable dog who yaps at you.
You reach the site of what was Arthur's home. It is now a pile of rubble. Mr. Prosser looks sheepishly triumphant, a trick few people can do, as it requires a lot of technically complex deltoid muscle work.

Front of House
There is a huge pile of rubble to the north. A path leads around it to the northeast and northwest, and a country lane is visible to the south.
There is a dog here.
Arthur Dent is here.
Mr. Prosser, from the local council, is standing at the side of the bulldozer. He seems to be wearing a digital watch.

Already, let’s get the signaling device.

>take device
Taken.

Right on schedule (according to the news you picked up last night on your Sub-Etha Sens-O-Matic), a huge fleet of Vogon Constructor ships hurtles noisily through the sky. Time is very, very short. Storms break in the wake of the ships, the wind whips at you and makes it difficult to stand. You grab hold of a tree.

How do I use this thing again?

>look at device
The electronic Sub-Etha signaling device is shaped like a small fist with an extended thumb. Various lights along its "knuckles" are currently blinking wildly, indicating a spaceship in the vicinity. It has two small buttons, a red one labelled "Call Engineer" and a green one labelled "Hitchhike." It bears a small label which reads "Another fine product of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation." Affixed to the Thumb is a lifetime guarantee.

The vast yellow ships thunder across the sky, spreading waves of terror and panic in their wake. The voice of the Vogon Captain slams across the country, insisting that the planning charts and demolition orders have been available at the local planning office in Alpha Centauri for fifty years and it's too late to start making a fuss about it now.

The electronic Sub-Etha signaling device in your hand begins to whine. Lights pulsate across its surface. You fumble with the Thumb as you hold onto the tree against the fierce wind. It falls to the ground near Arthur's feet. Arthur is struggling desperately towards you. The end of this planet is now only seconds away.

>wait
Time passes...

Fierce gales whip across the land, and thunder bangs continuously through the air in the wake of the giant ships. You struggle to reach the Thumb, but the wind is too fierce and you are driven back. Fortunately, at this point, Arthur picks up the Thumb, and somehow manages to push the right button.

However often you do it, you are still stunned by the shock of dematerialisation. The scene around is ripped away like a flimsy backcloth. Everything becomes...

Dark

Hum… back here again.

>look
Dark
You can see nothing, feel nothing, hear nothing, taste nothing, smell nothing, and are not entirely certain who you are.

You can't hear anything, see anything, smell anything, feel anything, or taste anything, and do not even know where you are or who you are or how you got there.

You can't hear anything, see anything, smell anything, feel anything, or taste anything, and do not even know where you are or who you are or how you got there.

You can't see anything, smell anything, feel anything, or taste anything, and do not even know where you are or who you are or how you got there.

>listen
(to darkness)
You hear the deep and distant hum of a star drive coming from far above. There is an exit to port.

>port
You can't go that way. (We were lying about the exit to port.) There is an exit aft...

Again? You think I would know better!

>aft
You emerge from a small doorway...

Entry Bay Number Two
This is an entry bay for the Heart of Gold. A corridor lies aft of here.

Well I’m back here… and it looks like the fluff in the satchel didn’t come with me, and I didn’t feed the dog and judging from what happened when I miss-spoke, I think I’m going to have to. Looks like I’m going to have to try and be Ford again. There’s nothing for it, I have to go back and flip the switch again.

Engine Room
This is the room that houses the powerful Infinite Improbability Generator that drives the Heart of Gold. An exit lies fore of here.
Sitting in the corner is a spare, portable Improbability Generator.
There is a nice, hot cup of Advanced Tea Substitute here.
Lying on the deck is a plotter connected to a spare Improbability Drive. The plotter's long, dangly bit is submerged in Advanced Tea Substitute.
There is a sales brochure here.

>flip switch
You are disoriented. Blackness swims toward you like a shoal of eels who have just seen something that eels like a lot...

Dark

>look
Dark
You can hear nothing, smell nothing, taste nothing, see nothing, feel nothing, and are not even certain who you are.

There's nothing you can taste, nothing you can see, nothing you can hear, nothing you can feel, nothing you can smell, you do not even know who you are.

You can hear nothing, smell nothing, taste nothing, see nothing, feel nothing, and are not even certain who you are.

You can see nothing, feel nothing, hear nothing, taste nothing, and are not entirely certain who you are.

>smell
(darkness)
It does smell a bit. There's something pungent waving under your nose. Your head begins to clear. You can make out a shadow moving in the dark.

>look at shadow
The shadow is vaguely Bugblatter Beast-shaped.

Lair
This is the lair of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. There are exits east and southwest.
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal is here, looking particularly nasty and hungry.

The Beast whips its evil-smelling tail away from your nose and bellows a brain-shattering roar. By suddenly popping out of nowhere you have disturbed its train of thought. However, since its train of thought was the usual one, and in fact the only one it knows, which goes like this "hungry ... hungry ... hungry ... hungry ... bad-tempered ... hungry ...", it soon starts to chug along again.

You notice the Beast's Lasero-Zap eyes, its Swivel Shear Teeth, and its several dozen tungsten carbide Vast-Pain claws, forged in the sun furnaces of Zangrijad. It has skin like a motorway and breath like a 747. It advances on you, and roars out a demand that you say your name.

Wait, You’re not Ford, and I’m not Ford… on no!

Puzzles:
Getting tea
Fluff?
Being Ford!
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal

Inventory:
You have:
no tea
your gown (being worn)
It looks like your gown contains:
a thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is
It looks like the thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is contains:
a towel
The Hitchhiker's Guide
an electronic Sub-Etha signaling device
pocket fluff
a toothbrush
a flathead screwdriver
an ionic diffusion rasp
a pair of hypersonic pliers
a strange gun
a pair of tweezers
a molecular hyperwave pincer
a babel fish (in your ear)

Score:
Your score is 125 of a possible 400, in 269 turns.

Deaths: 2 (Allergy to not eating Peanuts, Drinking Tea Substitute)

After having heard about the babelfish puzzle, I was quite pleased when I first played this game a little over 10 years ago and was able to figure it out on my own. Of course, there are other puzzles in this game that are just beyond logic (the tea/no tea one in particular)

*chuckles* I saw what you did there. That one wasn't to hard, I think I was thinking like the author by then...

Episode 11

Lair
This is the lair of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. There are exits east and southwest.
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal is here, looking particularly nasty and hungry.

The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, oh dear. I know this name, we’ve run into this before haven’t we? I think we looked it up in the guide, what did it say?

The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal is a mind-bogglingly stupid animal. It has almost no capacity for learning from experience and is therefore surprised by virtually everything that happens to it. Here is an example of how stupid it is: it thinks that if you can't see it, it can't see you.
Its behaviour would be quite endearing if it wasn't spoilt by this one thing: it is the most violently carnivorous creature in the Galaxy. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

Well, that isn’t exactly helpful now is it? And the thing wants me to tell it my name, that can’t be good now can it? I think right now the best choice would be to run!

>east
Beast's Outer Lair
This is a large walled courtyard. Strewn about are a profusion of gnawed bones bleaching in the sun. In case the significance of these fails to strike you, there is also a sandstone memorial in the middle of the courtyard, on which the Beast has roughly carved the names of all its victims.
Some sharp stones lie near the exit to the west.

Bellowing with rage, the Beast charges after you.

Wait a memorial? Is that why it wanted to know my name? Why in the world would I tell it that? I’m not just… you know I shouldn’t be standing around here pontificating while the thing is charging after me!

>west
Lair
This is the lair of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. There are exits east and southwest.

Bellowing with rage, the Beast charges after you.

>southwest
The Beast blocks the exit.

With a head-splitting roar, the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal charges towards you.

Damn, back the other way!

>east
Beast's Outer Lair
This is a large walled courtyard. Strewn about are a profusion of gnawed bones bleaching in the sun. In case the significance of these fails to strike you, there is also a sandstone memorial in the middle of the courtyard, on which the Beast has roughly carved the names of all its victims.
Some sharp stones lie near the exit to the west.

Bellowing with rage, the Beast charges after you.

Maybe I can hurt it?

>take stones
Taken.

With a head-splitting roar, the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal charges towards you.

>hit beast with stones
A footling effort. The shock waves of the Beast's laughter push you back.

Okay, that didn’t work, but then again does it ever work? Really, I think about the only time that attacking something actually saved the day was with the dragon, and that was more of a joke. This beast isn’t a joke, at least not like this. It’s only a joke in that it’s dumb as a rock. Maybe I have something that I can use to trick it.

>i
You have:
no tea
a sharp stone
your gown (being worn)
It looks like your gown contains:
a thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is
It looks like the thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is contains:
a towel
The Hitchhiker's Guide
an electronic Sub-Etha signaling device
pocket fluff
a toothbrush
a flathead screwdriver
an ionic diffusion rasp
a pair of hypersonic pliers
a strange gun
a pair of tweezers
a molecular hyperwave pincer
a babel fish (in your ear)

The Beast, sharpening its tungsten carbide Vast-Pain claws, demands again that you say your name.

Well, it seems like it doesn’t want to kill me until I tell it my name, and somehow I don’t think that will do anything to improve my situation. Now, how to trick the thing… well it says if I can’t see it thinks it can’t see me, so let’s play peek-a-boo with the thing.

>cover eyes
What do you want to cover the eyes with?

Hum, I don’t have much, but the towel looks large enough.

>towel
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal is completely bewildered. It is so dim it thinks that if you can't see it, it can't see you. You have a few seconds before it realises its mistake.

Okay, let’s get out of here before it grows a brain stem!

>west
You stumble in that direction, but as you can't see where you're going you wander around in circles. The Beast is getting puzzled that something it can't see is stumbling around its lair. Slowly it dawns on the creature that someone is trying to make a fool of it. It starts to look for you again.

>southwest
You stumble in that direction, but as you can't see where you're going you wander around in circles. The Beast is getting puzzled that something it can't see is stumbling around its lair. Slowly it dawns on the creature that someone is trying to make a fool of it. It starts to look for you again.

Okay, I think that should be somewhat safer then where I was before.

>take off towel
You unwrap the towel from your head. You see that you have wandered in circles and ended right beside the sandstone memorial. Unfortunately, the Beast has also caught sight of you again. All this fooling around has made it doubly angry and hungry. With a vast savage roar, the Beast tears you limb from limb with its tungsten carbide Vast-Pain claws and ... well, do you really want to know the rest? The point is that you have died. Everything becomes...

Dark

Yeah, or not…

>wait
There's nothing you can taste, nothing you can see, nothing you can feel, nothing you can smell, you do not even know who you are.

>listen
(to darkness)
You hear the deep and distant hum of a star drive coming from far above. There is an exit to port.

I’m not going to fall for that anymore!

>aft
(We were lying about the exit to port.) You emerge from a small doorway...

Entry Bay Number Two
This is an entry bay for the Heart of Gold. A corridor lies aft of here.

Let’s try that again!

Engine Room
This is the room that houses the powerful Infinite Improbability Generator that drives the Heart of Gold. An exit lies fore of here.
Sitting in the corner is a spare, portable Improbability Generator.
There is a nice, hot cup of Advanced Tea Substitute here.
Lying on the deck is a plotter connected to a spare Improbability Drive. The plotter's long, dangly bit is submerged in Advanced Tea Substitute.
There is a sales brochure here.

>flip switch
You are disoriented. Blackness swims toward you like a shoal of eels who have just seen something that eels like a lot...

>wait
You can't hear anything, see anything, feel anything, or taste anything, and do not even know where you are or who you are or how you got there.

>smell darkness
It does smell a bit. There's something pungent being waved under your nose. Your head begins to clear. You can make out a shadow moving in the dark.

>look at shadow
The shadow is vaguely guard-shaped.

Vogon Hold
This is a squalid room filled with grubby mattresses, unwashed cups, and unidentifiable bits of smelly alien underwear. A door lies to port, and an airlock lies to starboard.
In the corner is a glass case with a switch and a keyboard.
Along one wall is a tall dispensing machine.

A pair of Vogon guards stand nearby, waving acrid-smelling stun guns an inch away from your face. Simultaneously, they fire. Everything becomes...

Dark

I didn’t expect that to happen at all! Shall we try that one more time?

>flip switch
Like fog rolling in off the ocean, a shroud of blackness billows toward you. Unlike fog rolling in off the ocean, the blackness hits you like a sixteen-tonne truck...

Dark

>wait
You can see nothing, feel nothing, taste nothing, smell nothing, and are not entirely certain who you are.

>listen
(to darkness)
You hear the deep and distant hum of a star drive coming from far below. There is an exit to port.

Hum, that was a short trip.

>aft
(We were lying about the exit to port.) You emerge from a small doorway...

War Chamber
Spread before you, astonishingly enough, is the War Chamber of a star battle cruiser. Through the domed canopy of the ship you can see a vast battle fleet flying in formation behind you through the black, glittering emptiness of space. Ahead is a star system towards which you are hurtling at a terrifying speed.
There is an ultra-plasmic vacuum awl here.

Standing near you are two creatures who are gazing at the star system with terrible hatred in their eyes. One is wearing black jewelled battle shorts, and the other is wreathed in a cloud of green, sweet-smelling steam. They are engaged in conversation.

The fleet continues to hurtle sunwards.

What? I don’t even! Oh dear!

Ignoring the Vogon hold (which I think is a random event) there is a pattern to all this jumping around…

Puzzles:
Getting tea
Fluff?
Being Ford!
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal
The War Fleet

Inventory:
You have:
no tea
a towel
your gown (being worn)
It looks like your gown contains:
a thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is
It looks like the thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is contains:
The Hitchhiker's Guide
an electronic Sub-Etha signaling device
pocket fluff
a toothbrush
a flathead screwdriver
an ionic diffusion rasp
a pair of hypersonic pliers
a strange gun
a pair of tweezers
a molecular hyperwave pincer
a babel fish (in your ear)

Score:
Your score is 125 of a possible 400, in 290 turns.

Deaths: 2 (Allergy to not eating Peanuts, Drinking Tea Substitute)

*fyi*

Episode 12

War Chamber
Spread before you, astonishingly enough, is the War Chamber of a star battle cruiser. Through the domed canopy of the ship you can see a vast battle fleet flying in formation behind you through the black, glittering emptiness of space. Ahead is a star system towards which you are hurtling at a terrifying speed.
There is an ultra-plasmic vacuum awl here.

Standing near you are two creatures who are gazing at the star system with terrible hatred in their eyes. One is wearing black jewelled battle shorts, and the other is wreathed in a cloud of green, sweet-smelling steam. They are engaged in conversation.

You know, I feel somewhat out of my depth here, I was never really good at military tactics, and really I’m just a man from Earth. True I’ve been all around deep space but... let’s not get into that. What are you guys doing anyways, are you even paying attention to me?

. . . . . . . .

That would be a no.

Okay then, at least I see an awl I can use.

>take awl
Taken.

The fleet continues to hurtle sunwards.

And what about our friendly alien creatures here?

>look at creatures
Which creatures do you mean, the G'Gugvunt leader or the Vl'Hurg leader?

>look at G'Gugvunt
The G'Gugvunt leader is looking typically G'Gugvuntish.

The fleet continues to hurtle sunwards.

>look at Vl'Hurg
The Vl'Hurg leader looks typically Vl'Hurgish.

The fleet continues to hurtle sunwards.

Well, at least I know what they are now, not that it really helps me all that much, and what about that sun we are heading towards.

>look at sun
The approaching star is a small, unregarded yellow sun, with nine planets of varying sizes. The third planet catches your attention.

The fleet continues to hurtle sunwards.

>look at third planet
It is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet, of the sort where they probably still wear digital watches.

The fleet continues to hurtle sunwards.

Hey, I still wear a digital watch! Really, what kind of nasty comment is that supposed to be, anyways why does every alien ship say the Sol system has nine planets, when we only have eight (or was that eleven). I wonder why they are flying a battle fleet... towards… Earth.

I think I should pay a bit more attention to this guys.

>listen
(to the conversation)
"Hated planet!" snarls the Vl'Hurg.
"Home of he that dared to say 'consut guide about vogon'" rasps the G'Gugvunt.
"Detested words! Even now it sticks my soul to hear them uttered," barks the Vl'Hurg, "even though ten thousand years have passed..."
"And as many senseless megadeaths! Worlds destroyed! My race and yours laid to waste! All because of he that dared shape the words 'consut guide about vogon'."
"Torture to my Vl'Hurgish warrior heart to hear it spoken! Yet, even now, the hot breath of our vengeance blows hard upon this little world..."
"Vengeance on him who said 'consut guide about vogon'."
"Yes, there's no need to keep repeating it," growls the Vl'Hurg.
"One happy thought," adds the G'Gugvunt. "After millenia of bloody and perpetual conflict, our races have been brought together by this Quest for the Source of the Offending Remark. Perhaps, after our vengeance has been exacted on him who said 'consut guide about vogon'..."
"Will you stop saying it?"
"...perhaps we will continue to live in peace and harmony and..."
"We will talk about that AFTER we ... who's this?"

The two creatures turn and stare at you.

The fleet continues to hurtle sunwards.

Well hello there! Just ignore me, I’m just passing through. Wait, your mad about someone saying 'consut guide about vogon'? That sounds like something I would say, in fact I’m pretty sure I did say it and my words were taking though a worm hole a thousand years in the past... I think I should stop talking now and go stand in the corner, okay?

Maybe I can do something about this?

>look at controls
You can't see any controls here!

>stop fleet
A totally unhelpful idea.

Or not, I guess I’m just going to have try and think of something.

>wait
Time passes...

The battle fleet plunges toward Earth and, due to a terrible miscalculation in scale, is swallowed by a small dog. Everything becomes...

Dark

A small dog, you don’t think…. Nah, that’s crazy talk. Still, back to the engine room, lots of things to do and people to see. Or something like that. Let’s try the Improbability Generator again.

Engine Room
This is the room that houses the powerful Infinite Improbability Generator that drives the Heart of Gold. An exit lies fore of here.
Sitting in the corner is a spare, portable Improbability Generator.
There is a nice, hot cup of Advanced Tea Substitute here.
Lying on the deck is a plotter connected to a spare Improbability Drive. The plotter's long, dangly bit is submerged in Advanced Tea Substitute.
There is a sales brochure here.

>flip switch
Like fog rolling in off the ocean, a shroud of blackness billows toward you. Unlike fog rolling in off the ocean, the blackness hits you like a sixteen-tonne truck...

Dark
You can hear nothing, smell nothing, taste nothing, see nothing, and are not even certain who you are.

>feel darkness
It does feel a bit cold and wet and squishy. There seems to be some liquid at your fingertips.

>feel liquid
It seems coldish.

>drink liquid
It tastes just like wine. In fact, you realise with growing embarrassment that your hand is sitting in a glass of white wine.

You're at a party being given by a distant and incredibly boring acquaintance. Among the people you've been introduced to are a shy, mousy fellow from the West Country named Arthur, and a flamboyant guy named Phil. You've had too many drinks already, and the room is beginning to buzz...

Living Room
You are in a large Living Room. There is a party going on. Other rooms lie to the west and southwest, and the apartment's front door is south of here.
Phil is here.
Arthur Dent is here.
You notice the hostess approaching, but, using several mingling couples as cover, you maneuver away.

Wait, if I’m over there, then how am I over here as well? Wait, who am I this time?

>look at me
You see nothing special about yourself.

>who am I
You are Trillian.

I can’t see how anything could possibly go wrong with this!

So, work out how the Improbability Generator is working yet?

Puzzles:
Getting tea
Fluff?
Being Ford!
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal
How to save the War Fleet
Being Trillian!

Inventory:
You have:
a plate of hors d'oeuvres
a glass of white wine
a handbag

Score:
Your score is 125 of a possible 400, in 321 turns.

Deaths: 2 (Allergy to not eating Peanuts, Drinking Tea Substitute)

What's in the handbag?

The Lost 64th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Leaveth Booze In Thine Possession Unquaffed.

What I'm saying here is, drink the wine.

Look at/ Talk to Arthur.

Episode 13

Living Room
You are in a large Living Room. There is a party going on. Other rooms lie to the west and southwest, and the apartment's front door is south of here.
Phil is here.
Arthur Dent is here.
You notice the hostess approaching, but, using several mingling couples as cover, you maneuver away.

Well, at least I’ve found myself at a party, you can’t really go wrong at a good party. An… well, I’m holding a glass of wine, so it’s well on the way to being a very good party.

>open handbag
Opening the handbag reveals a pair of tweezers.

>take tweezers
As is the case so often at parties, you find that you are holding too much and can't pick up anything else.

Well, I think we can do something about that!

>drink wine
You take a sip, and the room spins a little faster.

Oh, that’s some good wine. I better take it slow before the room spin around enough that I end up taking off like a helicopter.

>look at arthur
Arthur seems nice and well meaning, but also terribly shy. He has tried to start a conversation with you several times, but still hasn't gotten past "Hello." He has an enormous, unsightly ball of fluff on his jacket.

Looks like I’m rather shy when I’m not me, and that’s one large ball fluff he’s got there. I had better do something about that.

>take fluff
As is the case so often at parties, you find that you are holding too much and can't pick up anything else.

Well that’s a problem, I need to clear out some room in my hands. I don’t want to get rid of the wine. I have the plate of food, I could try eating those, that should help.

>eat
(plate of hors d'oeuvres)
You nibble at one of the hors d'oeuvres. It tastes terrible.

Arthur walks up and says, "Hello, again." He looks shy, embarrassed and stuck for anything else to say, and quickly walks to the other end of the room.

>follow arthur
But Arthur Dent is right here!

Oh, good try past me, but you didn’t quite close the deal on this one. Keep it up and I’m sure you’ll find a way to start talking with me… or be one of the last survivors of the planet Earth, either one. You should be ready for the later one, I’m just saying.

Sadly it seems the hors d'oeuvres are simply horrid, I suppose I should just hand them off to someone else.

>drop plate
Dropped.

>take fluff
You remove the jacket fluff, improving Arthur's appearance greatly. He is clearly touched, and starts happily to chat away to you. You discover that he is only slightly more interesting to talk to than an averagely interesting wall.

Well, I don’t remember being that boring in the past… this party is turning out to be rather disappointing really. Now, how about those tweezers?

>take tweezers
As is the case so often at parties, you find that you are holding too much and can't pick up anything else.

The hostess, whom you've been avoiding all evening, scurries up with your plate of hors d'oeuvres. "Oh, hello Tricia, how lovely to see you, I think you dropped this, dear."

Arthur tries, unsuccessfully, to interest you by talking about cricket.

It’s starting to get crowded around here, and I rather not have those hors d'oeuvres back, thank you very much. Now, how do I get the tweezers, I’m sure I’m going to need them. Wait don’t I already HAVE tweezers? Yeah, I got them out of Trillian’s handbag, in fact it was this handbag wasn’t it. So maybe it’s the same tweezers. Maybe… maybe I can use that fact to my advantage to get this fluff back to my real self in the future.

Heck, it’s worth a shot!

>put fluff in handbag
Done.

"Tricia dear," says the hostess insistently, "don't you want your plate of hors d'oeuvres?"

Arthur tries, unsuccessfully, to interest you by talking about a recent visit to Tiverton.

If I’m going to listen to myself prattle on I’m going to need a drink!

>drink wine
You take a sip, and the room spins a little faster.

"Tricia dear," says the hostess insistently, "don't you want your plate of hors d'oeuvres?"

Arthur tries, unsuccessfully, to interest you by talking about a recent visit to Tiverton.

Okay, okay, I’ll take the plate!

>take plate
Taken.

Arthur tries, unsuccessfully, to interest you by talking about how badly Americans make tea.

Are you sure about that? Just because you like to add milk and sugar to your tea. I’m not sober enough for this!

>drink wine
You take a sip, and the room spins a little faster.

Phil comes up and grips your shoulder. "Hey babe, this guy boring you? Why not come with me instead? I'm from a different planet." He takes you out to the parking lot, where his flashy interorbital ion scooter is parked between two Volkswagens. After mounting it, the scooter accelerates at such a great speed that you black out almost immediately. Everything becomes...

Dark
>aft
(We were lying about the exit to port.) You emerge from a small doorway...

Entry Bay Number Two
This is an entry bay for the Heart of Gold. A corridor lies aft of here.

You feel a wave of depression sweep over you, and you turn to see that Marvin the robot has stalked miserably into the room.

I can’t be sure, but I think that Phil chap was Zaphod. Time to go see if my crazy plan worked.

>aft
Corridor, Fore End
This is one end of a short corridor that continues aft along the main deck of the Heart of Gold. Doorways lead to fore and port. In addition, a gangway leads upward.

>up
Bridge
This is the bridge of the Heart of Gold. A gangway leads down, and steam comes from an entrance to port. Next to the control console is Eddie (the shipboard computer).
There is a handbag here.
It looks like the handbag contains:
jacket fluff
There is a satchel here.

>look in handbag
It looks like the handbag contains:
jacket fluff

Everyone together now! Wibbly-Wobbly Timey-Wimey! Take that causality!

Well then, I have managed to take a step forward on this. Let’s give the improbability drive another spin, I bet there’s even more I can find in that darkness.

Engine Room
This is the room that houses the powerful Infinite Improbability Generator that drives the Heart of Gold. An exit lies fore of here.
Sitting in the corner is a spare, portable Improbability Generator.
There is a nice, hot cup of Advanced Tea Substitute here.
Lying on the deck is a plotter connected to a spare Improbability Drive. The plotter's long, dangly bit is submerged in Advanced Tea Substitute.
There is a sales brochure here.

>flip switch
A mist spins round your head. You fall into what seems like a bottomless pit. Suddenly, you hit the bottom so hard that you wish it had been bottomless...

Dark
>look at darkness
You can hear nothing, taste nothing, see nothing, feel nothing, and are not even certain who you are.

>smell darkness
It does smell a bit. There's something pungent waving under your nose. Your head begins to clear. You can make out a shadow moving in the dark.

>look at shadow
The shadow is vaguely Bugblatter Beast-shaped.

Lair
This is the lair of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. There are exits east and southwest.
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal is here, looking particularly nasty and hungry.

The Beast whips its evil-smelling tail away from your nose and bellows a brain-shattering roar. By suddenly popping out of nowhere you have disturbed its train of thought. However, since its train of thought was the usual one, and in fact the only one it knows, which goes like this "hungry ... hungry ... hungry ... hungry ... bad-tempered ... hungry ...", it soon starts to chug along again.

You notice the Beast's Lasero-Zap eyes, its Swivel Shear Teeth, and its several dozen tungsten carbide Vast-Pain claws, forged in the sun furnaces of Zangrijad. It has skin like a motorway and breath like a 747. It advances on you, and roars out a demand that you say your name.

Hum…. Okay I guess we’re back here again. Maybe we can come up with a better plan to defeat this beast? Anyone, anyone?

Puzzles:
Getting tea
Fluff?
Being Ford!
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal
How to save the War Fleet

Inventory:
You have:
no tea
a towel
your gown (being worn)
It looks like your gown contains:
a thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is
It looks like the thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is contains:
jacket fluff
a pair of tweezers
The Hitchhiker's Guide
an electronic Sub-Etha signaling device
pocket fluff
a toothbrush
a flathead screwdriver
an ionic diffusion rasp
a pair of hypersonic pliers
a strange gun
a molecular hyperwave pincer
a babel fish (in your ear)

Score:
Your score is 150 of a possible 400, in 363 turns.

Deaths: 2 (Allergy to not eating Peanuts, Drinking Tea Substitute)

Why would you want to save the War Fleet, given that it's planning to destroy Earth some time before the story starts, thus causing an even worse paradox than the one you're already in?

Remember that they're the size of dust mites... Also,

What would happen if the Beast found someone whose name he'd already carved onto his monument??

Oh god this game. I never even made it this far.

This is truly among the cruelest of all text-based adventures. I would love though if after this...thing if Douglas Adams's other games like Starship Titanic or Bureaucracy were also LP'ed.

You're in luck!

If you figured out how to get this far, you can probably beat the game fairly easily from here. The Babel fish puzzle is the worst in the game, but I never figured out how to get the spare drive operational personally. After that, there are several ways to make the game unwinnable, one of which is deliberately designed to screw over anyone who missed one of a certain collection of items.

Basically: THIS GAME.

No way. You'll have to have a save before you start the puzzle, but at least each step in the Babel Fish puzzle makes some sense once you know what the next thing that happens is when you press the dispenser button.

There are much worse puzzles in the game, e.g.

I'd have to say that the prize for worst adventure game puzzles ever now belongs to a Steam game called Anna. One of the puzzles (which lacks any sensible clues, mind) has you assembling a mirror over a door, tacking a pinecone to it, and lighting the pine cone on fire. To open the door. Let me just repeat that: you open a door by burning a pinecone tacked to a mirror.

Yeah, I can't say I have too much beef with Infocom game puzzles after that bit of insanity. At least there's some sort of sane context for the solutions.

If we want to go worst puzzles I'd say about everything in Phantasmagoria 2 and of course the infamous FIRST PUZZLE in Gabriel Knight 3.

Seriously that puzzle in Gabriel Knight 3 is just plain depressing in its awfulness.

The butterfly in Discworld is the worst puzzle.

I think you done goofed...

Is it possible to go back to being Ford? If not, then... If that dog weren't so hungry, then...?