Don't Panic! Let's Play The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Episode 24:

Okay, not panicking couldn’t hurt.

>don't panic
Why not? Your position appears quite hopeless.

The game doesn’t appear to be on my side. Well there is always the stupid action-orienting thing.

>hit guard
You are obviously letting things get to you. You should learn to relax a little.

>escape
You are so keen on escape that you literally leap through the fabric of the space-time continuum. You wake up in a shack on tenth-century Earth. A dressing gown, a toothbrush, and a flathead axe lie by your bed. Before you have a chance to move, Mongol hordes sweep magnificently across the plains of central Asia. They knock down your shack and burn the remains with you inside. You lose interest in the rest of the game.

**** You have died ****

Well, that's a new one. I didn't even know that would happen in this case!

Let’s not do that again! I didn’t realize the fabric of space and time was so fragile that I could jump right through it. Well let’s just back to where I was then. At least I was marginally safer there.

I think that also counts as the stupidest thing I could do, let’s try it!

>guards, shoot the guards
The air becomes thick with photon beams. Everything becomes...

Dark

Seems like the guards a bit trigger happy and will start shooting the moment I say shoot but before I could tell them what to shoot. That’s a problem, at least for me in this situation as I’m trying to steal the ship, not get cremated in front of it.

That is some sage advice right there. It’s a calm and reasonable approach to the problem and completely unlike Zaphod in every way. Let’s try it!

>guards, drop weapons
The guards hesitate, then toss their photon rifles into a pile in front of you.

It worked, I’m as surprised as anyone else. Come on, let’s blow this crazy place.

>e
You and Trillian break for the Heart of Gold. A wisp of an inkling of a thought penetrates the three-inch thickness of solid bone surrounding the guards' very tiny brains that something suspicious is going on. They pick up their rifles and reduce you to a smoking pile of ash. Everything becomes...

Dark

Oh dear…

Puzzles:
Fluff?
Being Zaphod!
Getting past the Guards
The Access Space
Getting though the screening door

Inventory:
You have:
a small key
a tool box

Score:
Your score is 200 of a possible 400, in 403 turns.

Deaths: 7 (Allergy to not eating Peanuts, Drinking Tea Substitute, Nuclear Missiles x 3, Missing Sandwich, Escaping to hard)

Obviously you have to pick up the guns afterward.

This is going to fail because it is obvious, but who knows!

Take the rifles! Eat the rifles! Shoot the rifles!

They're obviously not much smarter than we are, there must be some clever thing we can do here.

Tell them to back off? That seems like the obvious thing, so maybe it will work!

Episode 25:

Yes, it does make a great deal of sense now does it. You right, it will probably fail for just that reason.

>pick up rifles
A wisp of an inkling of a thought penetrates the three-inch thickness of solid bone surrounding the guards' very tiny brains that something suspicious is going on. As you begin taking the rifles, so do several of the guards. They may be dim, but they know what to do with a photon rifle. Everything becomes...

Dark

You were right, it did fail because it was obvious.

I am the president, they have to do what I tell them, don’t they? So I guess telling them to leave might be the best choice, or at least worth trying.

>guards, leave
"We can't leave while you're in trouble, Mr. President!"

Damn it, they are dumb guards after all so they will do exactly one thing and one thing at a time. This could be a problem for me. So the trick will be to derail there one track mind at least long enough so we can get onboard the ship.

I know I can’t take them… but eating them sounds crazy enough to work.

>eat rifles
Stuffing the pile of photon rifles in your mouth would do little to help at this point.

I’m not sure what is more amusing, the fact that I tried it or the fact that the game actually expected me to try it. I’m starting to think the real crazy ones around here are the devs.

>shoot rifles
You're not holding the blaster.

That can be easily fixed!

>take blaster
A wisp of an inkling of a thought penetrates the three-inch thickness of solid bone surrounding the guards' very tiny brains that something suspicious is going on. They are disarmed, though, and unable to do anything as you take the blaster.

For once they don’t run to grab their rifles, I guess my taking a gun was a bit more shocking then they were expecting. One train of thought successfully derailed!

>shoot rifles
The rifles explode in a flashy display of sparks and shrapnel. The crowd cheers wildly! It thinks you're terrific. The guards begin to look a bit concerned.

I could shoot the crowd and they would think I was terrific. Oh well, for the moment I have a ship to steal, thank you for voting for me I’m sure you knew exactly what you were going to get.

>e
You and Trillian enter the Heart of Gold, that beautiful bauble you've been coveting ever since your decision to run for President of the Galaxy. The excitement overwhelms you (or perhaps it's just the awesome hangover from last night). Everything becomes...

Dark

>aft
(We were lying about the exit to port.) You emerge from a small doorway...

Entry Bay Number Two
This is an entry bay for the Heart of Gold. A corridor lies aft of here.

Let’s go get our tool box and claim our fluff! It’s probably on the bridge, that seems like the place to drop your crap, right?

>aft
Corridor, Fore End
This is one end of a short corridor that continues aft along the main deck of the Heart of Gold. Doorways lead to fore and port. In addition, a gangway leads upward.

>up
Bridge
This is the bridge of the Heart of Gold. A gangway leads down, and steam comes from an entrance to port. Next to the control console is Eddie (the shipboard computer).
There is a handbag here.
There is a satchel here.

Or not… okay so it’s not on the bridge. Where would it be. It’s not like he’s lugging the toolbox around and into the sauna, that would be stupid even for Zaphod. That’s saying something, really. Okay so you come into someplace and you have some junk, what would you do with it. Not put it away, he’s not the sort. He seems like the sort that would drop his jacket on the floor the moment he walked into someplace. Like say coming into the ship.

>d
Corridor, Fore End
This is one end of a short corridor that continues aft along the main deck of the Heart of Gold. Doorways lead to fore and port. In addition, a gangway leads upward.

>s
Corridor, Aft End
This is one end of a short corridor that continues fore along the main deck of the Heart of Gold. Doorways lead to aft and port. In addition, a gangway leads downward.

>d
Hatchway
You are at the bottom of a gangway. A hatch below you is closed. There is a small access space to starboard.
There is a tool box here.
There is a small key here.

Bingo!

>take tool box
Taken.

You feel a wave of depression sweep over you, and you turn to see that Marvin the robot has stalked miserably into the room.

>open tool box
It's locked.

Marvin wanders off.

>take key
Taken.

>unlock box
(with the key)
The tool box opens revealing seat cushion fluff, a magnifying glass, and a laser-assisted monkey wrench.

>take fluff, glass and wrench
Which fluff do you mean, seat cushion fluff, jacket fluff, satchel fluff, or pocket fluff?

>cushion
seat cushion fluff: Taken.
magnifying glass: Taken.
laser-assisted monkey wrench: Taken.

Now, we have four pieces of fluff and a ton of tools. What did the guide say about fluff again?

>consult guide about fluff
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

Fluff is interesting stuff: a deadly poison on Bodega Minor, the diet staple of Frazelon V, the unit of currency on the moons of the Blurfoid system, and the major crop of the laundry supplies planet, Blastus III.
One ancient legend claims that four pieces of fluff lie scattered around the Galaxy; each forming one quarter of the seedling of a tree with amazing properties, the sole survivor of the tropical planet Fuzzbol (Footnote 8).
The ultimate source of fluff is still a mystery, with the scientific community torn between the Big Lint Bang theory and the White Lint Hole theory.

Looks like that’s all four of the mythic pieces of fluff that make seedling, now we just need to plant it. Didn’t I have a flowerpot around here someplace?

You have:
no tea
a laser-assisted monkey wrench
a magnifying glass
seat cushion fluff
a small key
a tool box
a number twelve asteroid paint chipper
a Nutrimat/Computer Interface
a towel
your gown (being worn)
It looks like your gown contains:
a thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is
It looks like the thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is contains:
an ultra-plasmic vacuum awl
jacket fluff
a pair of tweezers
satchel fluff
The Hitchhiker's Guide
an electronic Sub-Etha signaling device
pocket fluff
a toothbrush
a flathead screwdriver
an ionic diffusion rasp
a pair of hypersonic pliers
a strange gun
a molecular hyperwave pincer
a babel fish (in your ear)

Apparently not, I must have lost it when we had the great cheese sandwich screw up. It was inside a whale, how did we do that. It was because of the tea right? But I don’t have the tea yet In fact getting the tea was what caused the whale to happen. So I guess we had better prepare for that.

>s
Engine Room
This is the room that houses the powerful Infinite Improbability Generator that drives the Heart of Gold. An exit lies fore of here.
Sitting in the corner is a spare, portable Improbability Generator.
There is a nice, hot cup of Advanced Tea Substitute here.
Lying on the deck is a plotter connected to a spare Improbability Drive. The plotter's long, dangly bit is submerged in Advanced Tea Substitute.
There is a sales brochure here.

>take plotter
Taken.

>take drive
Taken.

>take tea substitute
Taken.

So, time to break the ship for a bit!

Galley
You are in the Galley area of the ship, containing a machine which is the state of the art in Nutritional Technology, a Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Nutrimat. There is an exit to starboard.
A carton labelled "Nutrimat/Computer Interface" is sitting here.

>open machine
Opening the Nutrimat reveals a circuit board.

>take board
Taken.

Wasn’t there something on the board that we haven’t worked out yet?

>look at board
The circuit board is square, about ten inches on each side. It has a number of microchips, some printed circuitry, and a message printed in microscopic letters. There are also eight dipswitches, marked:
1 Cholesterol Register
2 MSG Specifier
3 Thiamin Stack
4 Piquant-O-Mat
5 Flavour Dump
6 Vitamin Interrupts
7 Nose Sequencer
8 Bouquet Arbitration Bus

>read board with glass
The message reads "This is just a satirical device. It has no practical function."

Right, okay then I guess it really doesn’t matter now does it. Okay let’s get this ship nice and broken so we can fix it by doing something that I shouldn’t be doing in the first place.

>put interface in machine
Done.

>touch pad
The Nutrimat is puzzled that you want something made by pouring boiling water on dead leaves and squirting stuff from a cow in it, and says that it will need some help from Eddie (the shipboard computer).

The nutrimat begins to whirr.

Okay, and while that is working on that I’m going to set up the drive.

>out
Corridor, Fore End
This is one end of a short corridor that continues aft along the main deck of the Heart of Gold. Doorways lead to fore and port. In addition, a gangway leads upward.

>u
Bridge
This is the bridge of the Heart of Gold. A gangway leads down, and steam comes from an entrance to port. Next to the control console is Eddie (the shipboard computer).
There is a handbag here.
There is a satchel here.

>drop plotter
Dropped.

>drop drive
Dropped.

"Announcement, announcement. This is Eddie (the shipboard computer). Emergency situation! Nuclear missiles have just been launched at us from the approaching planet, which my data banks indicate is the legendary lost planet of Magrathea. I cannot perform evasive maneuvers because all circuits are currently engaged by the Nutrimat. The missiles will turn this ship into a huge atomic fireball in approximately eight turns. By the way, somebody didn't finish their spinach at dinner."

>drop tea substitute
Dropped.

You hear distant sounds of panic: shouts of anger, cries of alarm, pounding feet.

>plug large plug into console
Plugged.

You hear distant sounds of panic: shouts of anger, cries of alarm, pounding feet.

Don’t worry guys’ I got this!

>flip generator switch
As you flip the switch, sparks fly from the large receptacle. "My new control console!" wails Eddie (the shipboard computer). "This is the thanks I get?"

The universe goes crazy for a moment.

"Announcement, announcement. This is Eddie (the shipboard computer). The missiles have turned into a sperm whale at an improbability factor of 2 to the 39,745th power to 1 against. The whale is currently plummeting toward the legendary lost planet of Magrathea. I hope this will teach you to listen to me when I say that legendary lost planets can be dangerous. I am proceeding with the preset landing instructions."

Ford, Zaphod, and Trillian saunter by on their way back to the sauna. "Good work, kid," says Zaphod, slamming you on the back.

Okay the ship is saved and we have a whale falling out of the sky. All is right with the world again. Well as right as this world can get.

Galley
You are in the Galley area of the ship, containing a machine which is the state of the art in Nutritional Technology, a Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Nutrimat. There is an exit to starboard.
A carton labelled "Nutrimat/Computer Interface" is sitting here.
It looks like the slot contains:
tea
It looks like the Nutrimat contains:
a Nutrimat/Computer Interface

>take tea
no tea: Dropped.

>out
Corridor, Fore End
This is one end of a short corridor that continues aft along the main deck of the Heart of Gold. Doorways lead to fore and port. In addition, a gangway leads upward.

>u
Bridge
This is the bridge of the Heart of Gold. A gangway leads down, and steam comes from an entrance to port. Next to the control console is Eddie (the shipboard computer).
There is a nice, hot cup of Advanced Tea Substitute here.
Lying on the deck is a plotter connected to a spare Improbability Drive. The plotter's long, dangly bit is submerged in Advanced Tea Substitute.
There is a spare Improbability Drive here.
There is a handbag here.
There is a satchel here.

>plug small plug into generator
You can't seem to plug the small plug into the spare Improbability Drive.

That’s strange, I wonder why that is?

>look at drive
The spare Improbability Drive has a switch, a fused spot where a long cord once began, and a short cord plugged into the atomic vector plotter. It bears a small label which reads "Another fine product of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation."

Oh, it’s still connected. Well that is easy enough to fix, or rather I don’t have to bother with doing anything about it. Though now I just need to plug it into the tea.

>drop tea
no tea: Taken.

>put dangly bit in tea
But the long, dangly bit is already in Advanced Tea Substitute!

>take dangly bit out of substitute
The long, dangly bit is no longer suspended in Advanced Tea Substitute.

>put dangly bit in tea
Done.

To the whale!

>flip generator switch
Like fog rolling in off the ocean, a shroud of blackness billows toward you. Unlike fog rolling in off the ocean, the blackness hits you like a sixteen-tonne truck...

Dark

There's nothing you can taste, nothing you can see, nothing you can hear, nothing you can smell, you do not even know who you are.

>touch darkness
It does feel a bit warm and wet and squishy. There seems to be some liquid at your fingertips.

>taste liquid
Yucchhh! You are jerked to your senses by the realisation that you are licking the lining of a whale's stomach.

Inside the Sperm Whale
You are in the stomach of a sperm whale. You can hear a distant sound of rushing wind.
There is a flowerpot here.

Inside the Sperm Whale
You are in the stomach of a sperm whale. You can hear a distant sound of rushing wind.
There is a flowerpot here.

>take flowerpot
Taken.

>put all in thing
flowerpot: Done.
circuit board: Done.
your gown: You can't put your gown in the thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is when the thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is is already in your gown!
babel fish: You'll have to remove it first.

So we got the flowerpot, and everything is tucked away safely into that thing my aunt gave me and I don’t know what is. Now the question is what do we do with everything we have?

Puzzles:
Fluff?
The Access Space
Getting though the screening door

Inventory:
You have:
no tea
your gown (being worn)
It looks like your gown contains:
a thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is
It looks like the thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is contains:
a circuit board
a flowerpot
a towel
a number twelve asteroid paint chipper
a tool box
a small key
seat cushion fluff
a magnifying glass
a laser-assisted monkey wrench
an ultra-plasmic vacuum awl
jacket fluff
a pair of tweezers
satchel fluff
The Hitchhiker's Guide
an electronic Sub-Etha signaling device
pocket fluff
a toothbrush
a flathead screwdriver
an ionic diffusion rasp
a pair of hypersonic pliers
a strange gun
a molecular hyperwave pincer
a babel fish (in your ear)

Score:
Your score is 225 of a possible 400, in 485 turns.

Deaths: 7 (Allergy to not eating Peanuts, Drinking Tea Substitute, Nuclear Missiles x 3, Missing Sandwich, Escaping to hard)

Shoot door with gun?

Let's try something more common, like knocking on the door, before attempting anything violent. Violence is rarely the answer in interactive fiction.

As per "Mostly Harmless"...pleasure-pain principle works for Douglas Adams doors. Kick it and then sweet-talk it.

Moved to 'On Hiatus'

Episode 26

I’m not sure sitting here staring at the flower pot is going to do much of anything for me. Of course now that I have the fluff planted I need to get the things to grow, if that is even possible but with how insane this universe is I’m sure that such a thing can happen… but how to make it happen. Maybe the guide knows.

Inside the Sperm Whale
You are in the stomach of a sperm whale. You can hear a distant sound of rushing wind.

>consult guide about fluff
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

Fluff is interesting stuff: a deadly poison on Bodega Minor, the diet staple of Frazelon V, the unit of currency on the moons of the Blurfoid system, and the major crop of the laundry supplies planet, Blastus III.
One ancient legend claims that four pieces of fluff lie scattered around the Galaxy; each forming one quarter of the seedling of a tree with amazing properties, the sole survivor of the tropical planet Fuzzbol (Footnote 8).
The ultimate source of fluff is still a mystery, with the scientific community torn between the Big Lint Bang theory and the White Lint Hole theory.

So it’s from a tropical planet, so that means it needs a tropical environment to grow in… where am I going to find one of those. It’s not like there is a tropical environment conveniently located somewhere on board the ship. Of course I need to get back to the ship first.

SPLAT!!!!! Everything becomes...

Dark

>aft
(We were lying about the exit to port.) You emerge from a small doorway...

Entry Bay Number Two
This is an entry bay for the Heart of Gold. A corridor lies aft of here.

Ah there we go, it was about time too. Let’s go see about that pesky door.

>aft
Corridor, Fore End
This is one end of a short corridor that continues aft along the main deck of the Heart of Gold. Doorways lead to fore and port. In addition, a gangway leads upward.

>s
Corridor, Aft End
This is one end of a short corridor that continues fore along the main deck of the Heart of Gold. Doorways lead to aft and port. In addition, a gangway leads downward.

"Announcement, announcement. This is Eddie (the shipboard computer). We have just landed on the legendary lost planet of Magrathea. I don't want anyone going outside until I've checked the atmosphere, climatic conditions, existence of dangerous wildlife, airborne diseases, volcanic activity, presence of real estate agents, and more than eight thousand other possible dangers. This routine check will take 14.9 years. And don't even think about leaving until I finish, because I'm jamming the hatch."

Oh good, we’ve arrived wherever it was that we were going. Though I’m not sure I want to wait 14.9 years to get out of this ruddy ship. I rather be doing that right now even if I’m stuck on an alien world with no food, water or oxygen. Well maybe a few checks.

>port
The screening door is closed.

>look at door
All you can tell is that the screening door is closed.

>open screening door
The door explains, in a haughty tone, that the room is occupied by a superintelligent robot and that lesser beings (by which it means you) are not to be admitted. "Show me some tiny example of your intelligence," it says, "and maybe, just maybe, I might reconsider."

What sort of example do you want me to provide? Really this isn’t getting me or you or this ship anywhere at all, and let’s be honest outside of Eddie I’m the only one doing anything at all on this ship so just let me in!

>knock on door
The door explains, in a haughty tone, that the room is occupied by a superintelligent robot and that lesser beings (by which it means you) are not to be admitted. "Show me some tiny example of your intelligence," it says, "and maybe, just maybe, I might reconsider."

I’m starting to not like this door.

Now that sounds like it could work!

>shoot door
Some rays from the gun strike the screening door, but nothing else happens.

Or not… what kind of gun is this?

>look at gun
The gun has a large label which reads "Anti-Bugblatter Beast Ray Gun." It bears a small label which reads "Another fine product of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation."

Of course, the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. I would call there tech support line but all they would do is tell me to go stick my head in a pig. Or worse, sing at me to do the same.

>kick door
"I suppose you think that since you have legs and I have not, you can get away with that sort of thing. Well," the door continues stiffly, "maybe you can and maybe you can't."

Sadly it doesn’t seem like I can.

>talk to door
Hmmm ... the screening door looks at you expectantly, as if you seemed to be about to talk.

That doesn’t seem to be working either. Looks like all I can do is try to prove my intelligence to this dumb door, but how do I do that? Well when in doubt ask the guide.

>consult guide about intelligence
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:

Thirty million generations of philosophers have debated the definition of intelligence. The most popular definition appears in the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation android manuals: "Intelligence is the ability to reconcile totally contradictory situations without going completely bonkers -- for example, having a stomach ache and not having a stomach ache at the same time, holding a hole without the doughnut, having good luck and bad luck simultaneously, or seeing a real estate agent waive his fee."

I think we’re well past the stage of being completely bonkers (considering I’m addressing myself with group pronouns now), so how do I reconcile totally contradictory situations. How do I have something and not have something at the same time.

I need some tea…

Puzzles:
Growing Fluff
The Access Space
Proving my Intelligence

Inventory:
no tea
a babel fish (in your ear)
your gown (being worn)
It looks like your gown contains:
a thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is
It looks like the thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is contains:
a circuit board
a flowerpot
a towel
a number twelve asteroid paint chipper
a tool box
a small key
seat cushion fluff
a magnifying glass
a laser-assisted monkey wrench
an ultra-plasmic vacuum awl
jacket fluff
a pair of tweezers
satchel fluff
The Hitchhiker's Guide
an electronic Sub-Etha signaling device
pocket fluff
a toothbrush
a flathead screwdriver
an ionic diffusion rasp
a pair of hypersonic pliers
a strange gun
a molecular hyperwave pincer

Score:
Your score is 225 of a possible 400, in 518 turns

Deaths: 7 (Allergy to not eating Peanuts, Drinking Tea Substitute, Nuclear Missiles x 3, Missing Sandwich, Escaping to hard)

Give the door the no tea.

Having no tea alone isn't enough. You need to be holding something else with the no tea to show you're capable of reconciling totally contradictory situations without going completely bonkers. I reckon the door ought to find that feat rather impressive.

So, holding tea and no tea at the same time?

Try counting at the door. Tell it 1, 2, 3, and so on.

This is, of course, the most threatening thing you can do to a computer.

Hit and or shoot the door with the laser monkey wrench?
Of course the above my post things are probably right since they're more cerebral but who knows?

Episode 27

Well, the voices in my head have a lot of good ideas how I can prove to the door that I have some sort of intelligence. I’m just glad it doesn’t give a crap about sanity… then again who on this ship does? If only sane people could run this ship… well no one would be doing the job!

>give no tea
(to the screening door)
The door says, "Big deal. Anyone can have no tea."

There’s some truth to that, so what’s next?

>tell door to count
"I don't understand! What are you referring to?"

Apparently it has paradox absorbing crumble zones.

>hit door with wrench
You are obviously letting things get to you. You should learn to relax a little.

Well, we are batting zero here, so let’s go for the crazy ideas!

That seems more crazy then the usual crazy… but it would also prove that I can deal with contradictions (like my level of crazy being considered sane out here). Now where did I leave that tea? Maybe up in the bridge.

Bridge
This is the bridge of the Heart of Gold. A gangway leads down, and steam comes from an entrance to port. Next to the control console is Eddie (the shipboard computer).
There is a nice, hot cup of tea here.
Lying on the deck is a plotter connected to a spare Improbability Drive. The plotter's long, dangly bit is submerged in tea.
There is a spare Improbability Drive here.
There is a nice, hot cup of Advanced Tea Substitute here.
There is a handbag here.
There is a satchel here.

There it is! Now let’s get the tea.

>get tea
no tea: Dropped.

And now to get the ‘no tea’ that I dropped (if such a thing is even possible).

>get no tea
no tea: Taken.

>i
You have:
no tea
tea

Well how about that, apparently it IS possible. I’m sure this will be enough to convince the door that I should be allowed to go past. Time to find out.

Corridor, Aft End
This is one end of a short corridor that continues fore along the main deck of the Heart of Gold. Doorways lead to aft and port. In addition, a gangway leads downward.

>open door
The door is almost speechless with admiration. "Wow. Simultaneous tea and no tea. My apologies. You are clearly a heavy-duty philosopher." It opens respectfully.

Well I have been known to dabble a little bit, you know, here and there.

>port
As you pass the door, it slams against you, bruising your upper arm, and then opens again. "Take that, door-kicker."

Upon entering the room, you are battered by tidal waves of depression. In fact, a lethal dose.

**** You have died ****

I guess I shouldn’t have kicked the door… though that doesn’t explain how I just die. Wait, didn’t the door say the room was occupied by a superintelligent robot, and I just got killed by depression. That must be where Marvin is… I’m going to need some way to lift my spirits.

Puzzles:
Growing Fluff
The Access Space
Getting happy

Inventory:
no tea
tea
a babel fish (in your ear)
your gown (being worn)
It looks like your gown contains:
a thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is
It looks like the thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is contains:
a circuit board
a flowerpot
a towel
a number twelve asteroid paint chipper
a tool box
a small key
seat cushion fluff
a magnifying glass
a laser-assisted monkey wrench
an ultra-plasmic vacuum awl
jacket fluff
a pair of tweezers
satchel fluff
The Hitchhiker's Guide
an electronic Sub-Etha signaling device
pocket fluff
a toothbrush
a flathead screwdriver
an ionic diffusion rasp
a pair of hypersonic pliers
a strange gun
a molecular hyperwave pincer

Score:
Your score is 225 of a possible 400, in 532 turns.

Deaths: 8 (Allergy to not eating Peanuts, Drinking Tea Substitute, Nuclear Missiles x 3, Missing Sandwich, Escaping to hard, Depression)

Well if managing to break the basic laws of logic doesn't fill you with an immense euphoria, then I don't even know.

Drink the tea to get happy?
Also what kind of door is this, maybe you can unscrew the door hinges with the monkey wrench once it's opened so it can't re-shut?

I can't imagine having Tea and no tea at the same time...How on the earth does it look?

It appears you have no intelligence, according to the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. Please rectify that at the earliest opportunity.

It's not hard. Check this out: in one hand, I'm holding tea, and in my other hand, I'm holding no tea.

Simple!

Considering this is Sirius Cybernetics there equipment for measuring intelligence is probably as reliable as the Nutrimat machine or Marvin… so I’m not going to worry too much about that.

Now that’s the best idea I’ve heard all day!

>drink tea
It is the finest tea you have ever tasted. It has almost made this entire misadventure seem worthwhile. You experience several moments of complete happiness and relaxation. The cup itself vaporises, part of the Galactic Anti-Litter Program.

Now that’s an improvement all around! Now let’s try that door again.

>port
As you pass the door, it slams against you, bruising your upper arm, and then opens again. "Take that, door-kicker."

Upon entering the room, you are battered by tidal waves of depression. However, the happiness derived from your high score and that thoroughly excellent cup of tea you had recently help you to survive.

Marvin's Pantry
This is a small closet with an exit to starboard.
Marvin, the Paranoid Android, is here.
There is a thermo-fusion chisel here.

Yes, that high score does truly help me in this case. So, now I’m here and I can do… well what can I do? Marvin, do you have any ideas? No apparently he’s too busy contemplating the pain in all the diodes down his left side. Well I have the chisel so let’s see what else I can do.

>sb
Corridor, Aft End
This is one end of a short corridor that continues fore along the main deck of the Heart of Gold. Doorways lead to aft and port. In addition, a gangway leads downward.

Though I’m not really sure what I can do in this case, we only have a couple of problems left to solve and I haven’t heard any good suggestions just yet. We still need to do something with the flower pot and the fluff. You know, we never did put the fluff in the flower pot.

>put fluff in flowerpot
Which fluff do you mean, seat cushion fluff, jacket fluff, satchel fluff, or pocket fluff?

>all
seat cushion fluff: You dig a small hole, gingerly place the fluff at the bottom, and cover it over.
jacket fluff: You dig a small hole, gingerly place the fluff at the bottom, and cover it over.
satchel fluff: You dig a small hole, gingerly place the fluff at the bottom, and cover it over.
pocket fluff: You dig a small hole, gingerly place the fluff at the bottom, and cover it over.

Good, now how do we make it grow? For now let’s take a look at the access space.

>d
Hatchway
You are at the bottom of a gangway. A hatch below you is closed. There is a small access space to starboard.

And why not try to open the hatch while we are down here?

>open hatch
The hatch appears to be jammed shut.

That figures, now we just need to work out how to unjam it. Well onto the access hatch, maybe we can do something with it and work out what the one thing we can carry into it is.

>put all in thing
thermo-fusion chisel: Done.
babel fish: You'll have to remove it first.
your gown: You can't put your gown in the thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is when the thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is is already in your gown!

>take off gown
Okay, you're no longer wearing your gown.

>drop gown
Dropped.

>sb
Access Space
This tiny area, with an exit to port, is for working on the hatch mechanism, which is vastly more complicated than your rather ordinary intelligence can comprehend. The floor is an open metal mesh, like the floor of a catwalk.

No… there doesn’t seem to be much here at all. So, I’ve made I everywhere in the ship, but I’m not sure what I can do while here. What I need is some sort of pry bar or something, what do I have in the way of random junk that might be able to be used to open it?

a thermo-fusion chisel
a number twelve asteroid paint chipper
a magnifying glass
a pair of tweezers
a toothbrush
a laser-assisted monkey wrench
an ultra-plasmic vacuum awl
a flathead screwdriver
an ionic diffusion rasp
a pair of hypersonic pliers
a molecular hyperwave pincer

I’m not sure anything I have here is enough to do the job. I can’t exactly force it open with my hands, you would need some kind of powerful force, well more than any human could arrange. I don’t think any of my ‘friends’ would be willing to help, too bad I don’t have some sort of powerful robot running around that has the power to do the job for me?

Oh wait!

FORD: Perhaps the robot can figure something out.
ZAPHOD: Yeah. Hey Marvin! Come on over we’ve got a job for you!
MARVIN: I won’t enjoy it.
ZAPHOD: Oh yes you will, there’s a whole new life stretching out in front of you!
MARVIN: Oh, not another one.
ZAPHOD: Will you shut up and listen? This time there’s gonna be excitement, and adventure, and really wild things!
MARVIN: Sounds awful.

>u
Corridor, Aft End
This is one end of a short corridor that continues fore along the main deck of the Heart of Gold. Doorways lead to aft and port. In addition, a gangway leads downward.

You notice a tiny movement from the flowerpot. You look closely, and see a tiny sprout poking out of the soil.

Oh, I wonder if I can wait long enough for it grow… though I doubt it would go fast enough.

>p
As you pass the door, it slams against you, bruising your upper arm, and then opens again. "Take that, door-kicker."

Upon entering the room, you are battered by tidal waves of depression. However, the happiness derived from your high score and that thoroughly excellent cup of tea you had recently help you to survive.

Marvin's Pantry
This is a small closet with an exit to starboard.
Marvin, the Paranoid Android, is here.

>Marvin, Open the hatch
"Humans are so depressingly demanding. Do this. Pick up that. Unjam the opening mechanism of the other. Meet me in the hatchway Access Space in twelve turns. I suppose," he mutters, "you can count up to twelve. So hard to know with morons. And don't forget to bring the proper tool."

Oh, well that works out pretty well. I’ll just go down and meet him then. Though what’s the proper tool? Um, I would really like to know that!

Hatchway
You are at the bottom of a gangway. A hatch below you is closed. There is a small access space to starboard.

>remove tweezers
Taken.

Well, let’s give the tweezers a go, seems as likely as anything.

>remove gown
Okay, you're no longer wearing your gown.

>drop gown
Dropped.

>sb
Access Space
This tiny area, with an exit to port, is for working on the hatch mechanism, which is vastly more complicated than your rather ordinary intelligence can comprehend. The floor is an open metal mesh, like the floor of a catwalk.

And now it’s time to wait…

>wait
Time passes...
Marvin shambles in.

>Marvin, hello
"Hello to you too."
Marvin, looking bored, says, "Hand me a pair of hypersonic pliers."

Yeah… I don’t have those, will these do?

>give marvin tweezers
"That's not a pair of hypersonic pliers."

"Ah. I was misled into thinking that you wanted me to open the hatch, probably by the fact that you asked me to. Obviously you changed your mind or I misunderstood you or you are a moronic imbecile. I wonder which. I'm going back to my pantry to be alone with my grief." Marvin stalks miserably away.

I guess not, shall we try again?

Marvin's Pantry
This is a small closet with an exit to starboard.
Marvin, the Paranoid Android, is here.

>Marvin, open the hatch
"After the help I got last time? Humans are so depressingly ungrateful. Go away."

Oh dear… and I get the feeling that guessing will simply never work in this case. Well we can go back before we asked for his help but we’re going to need some idea of what he’s going to want. Tricky.

Yep, the game is evil like that, it won’t ask you for the tool you bring with you unless you know ahead of time that it’s the right tool. Also, to just be extra mean, if we had missed it tool it would ONLY ask for that one. So the fact it’s asking for one proves that we have got them all.

Puzzles:
Growing Fluff
Opening the Hatch

Inventory:
no tea
a babel fish (in your ear)
your gown (being worn)
It looks like your gown contains:
a thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is
It looks like the thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is contains:
a thermo-fusion chisel
a circuit board
a flowerpot
a towel
a number twelve asteroid paint chipper
a tool box
a small key
a magnifying glass
a laser-assisted monkey wrench
an ultra-plasmic vacuum awl
a pair of tweezers
The Hitchhiker's Guide
an electronic Sub-Etha signaling device
a toothbrush
a flathead screwdriver
an ionic diffusion rasp
a pair of hypersonic pliers
a strange gun
a molecular hyperwave pincer

Score:
Your score is 350 of a possible 400, in 545 turns.

Deaths: 8 (Allergy to not eating Peanuts, Drinking Tea Substitute, Nuclear Missiles x 3, Missing Sandwich, Escaping to hard, Depression)

I wonder what sort of tea Arthur enjoys.

Something inoffensive and mundane, I expect. He probably has a box of PG Tips in the kitchen we didn't get to see because of the bulldozer.

You can't usually just plant seeds (or fluff, in this case) and hope it'll grow. It'll probably need to be watered or something. What kind of plant is it? Arctic? Tropical?

It's tropical, which is why we're trying to get outside to Magrathea, I think.

And if you go back in time and carry the hypersonic pliers with you to Marvin, would that work? Or do we somehow need to get Marvin to tell us what tool he needs before he takes off to the access space?

Maybe the tree is so amazing it can make Marvin happy. There must be some equivalent to tea for him.

Musn't there?

Is there a way we could trick the plant into thinking it was in its native tropical climate, at least long enough that it would grow?

There is a way to grow it on the ship... and no unless we have some way of knowing in advance as to what tool is needed (and he won't tell us) we are ALWAYS going to get the wrong one.

Lets just say, solving one puzzle will solve the other.

While I can't think of a method quite off-hand, my gut sense for this sort of narrative would be that you have to somehow step slightly askew of time and see yourself handing Marvin the tool he needs.