Unfortunately, there's a radio connected to my brain. Let's play Bureaucracy!

Important!

Our records show that you do not have a licence to operate this software.

Normally, you would be required to complete a Licence Application Form and mail it (with proof of purchase) to our Licensing Department, and then wait the customary four to six weeks for processing.

Luckily, for your convenience, we have, at the last minute and at great expense, installed a remarkable new on-line electronic application form on this very disk, which will be processed by our modern 24-hour computer service moments after you fill it in.

Bureaucracy is Infocom's 24th interactive fiction. It was written by none other than Douglas Adams, and was loosely based on a true event in his life involving a change-of-address form, the details of which can be read at the game's Wikipedia article. As is such, there is a good deal of Adamsian humor throughout the game.
Now, before we start, we'll need to fill out a form to get the license to operate this software, and to do that we'll need some information. Specifically:

Last name
First name
Middle initial
Sex
House number
Street name
City
State
Zip
Phone number
Last employer but one
Least favorite color
Name of girl/boy friend
Previous girl/boy friend

So, what to put down?

How about...

Last name: Plant
First name: Jeff
Middle initial: R
Sex: Male
House number: 621
Street name: Peach
City: Chicago
State: Illinois
Zip: 45213
Phone number: 612-2114
Last employer but one:
Least favorite color: Beige
Name of girl/boy friend: Susan Collins
Previous girl/boy friend: Sarah Peterson

Those were the first things to pop into my head; I'm sure others can think of better ones. I'm not sure what the "Last employer but one" option means, though.

It means the employer before your previous employer. Probably should have clarified that in the OP. Gomen nasai.

Oh, that makes sense. I'll let someone else think of something for that, though.

So, we've got some of the spaces filled in, but so far it's a tie for most of them, and still no one has filled in the "second-most recent employer" space. Does anyone have more suggestions, including one for that last blank space?

Isn't this the game where you can give your character an aneurysm by making too many typos?

Just for extra comedy effect, set the second-most recent employer to one of the organizations you're trying to deal with in this game.

I'll concede my vote for character info that's already filled in if that helps. As for the "second-most recent employer" space... how about Stuff, Incorporated? First thing that comes to mind.

Well, I might as well get this LP started. Since there have have been two votes so far, and only one voter actually filled in all the fields, I'm going to go with Soren Highwind's suggestions. It should also be noted that you have to fill out the fields in a random order, and when you fill in certain fields, the game makes little comments about them. So...

Phone number: 612-2114
Previous girl/boy friend: Sarah*
Street name: Peach (NOTE: Next to the dump.)
Middle initial: R
Last name: Plant (NOTE: A well-known criminal family.)
Zip: 45213
City: Chicago (NOTE: What a pit.)
State: Illinois
Sex: Male
Name of girl/boy friend: Susan* (NOTE: One of a long line of losers.)
House number: 621 (NOTE: Due to be condemned.)
Least favorite color: Beige
First name: Jeff (NOTE: Your parents had the last laugh.)
Last employer but one: Stuff, Inc. (NOTE: Now in liquidation.)

* - I know that Soren submitted surnames, too, but they wouldn't fit in the space provided.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

You have been granted Licence Number 870602.

Thank you for your cooperation, Ms Plant. Have a nice day.


Well now, Ms Plant, aren't you glad you left your previous job? The Deep Thought Corporation of America was of course a great company to work for, except for the no-coloured-socks dress code, and you really enjoyed being Vice President (Software Development), especially the opportunities it gave you to cause considerable inconvenience to many hundreds of thousands of people you had never met.

But Happitec is going to be much more fun. The money's better, it's a great place to live and work and you're really looking forward to your Paris vacation.

You're pretty pleased with your new home, too, and don't really mind that the removals company fouled up slightly due to a computer scheduling problem. After all, you won't be using your new place for the next two weeks, and they promised to have everything installed by the time you return.

In fact, the only tiny cloud on the horizon is a silly bit of bother with your bank about a change-of-address card. You know the sort of thing? You send them a change-of-address card, and they say "Oh dearie me, that's not our official change-of-address form, the computer won't like it a bit, you'll have to fill in a proper one, we'll send one to you," and they do, but they send it to your old address along with your new US Excess card and your cheque book...?

Of course you know the sort of thing. It's exactly what has happened to you. But Happitec's enlightened employee policies mean you don't really care. After all, who needs money? Pick up your Happitec cheque, grab a bite of lunch, a cab to the airport and then you'll be living high on the hog at Happitec's expense. What a truly enviable situation you find yourself in, Ms Plant.

BUREAUCRACY
A Paranoid Fantasy
Copyright (C) 1987 Infocom, Inc. All rights reserved.
Bureaucracy is a trademark of Infocom, Inc.
Interpreter 3 Version Z
Release 116 / Licence Number 870602

Front Room

This is the living room of your new house, a pretty nice room, actually. At least, it will be when all your stuff has arrived as the removals company said they would have done yesterday and now say they will do while you're on vacation. At the moment, however, it's a bit dull. Plain white, no carpets, no curtains, no furniture. A room to go bughouse in, really. Another room is visible to the west, and a closed front door leads outside.


That thing about blood pressure is this game's little gimmick. Annoying things happening to your character, including typos and commands that the game doesn't understand, cause it to go up. If it goes too high, you die of a brain aneurysm. Also, they ask for your second-most recent employer because, as it says in the intro, your last employer was the Deep Thought Corporation, and your character just got a job at Happitec, so that would be your current employer.

Anyway, let's see what we've got.

>i
You're not holding anything, but you're wearing a digital wristwatch. You also have a wallet in your pocket.


I wonder if there's anything in the wallet?

>open wallet
[Taking the wallet first]

It's already open.

>i
You're holding a wallet (containing a US Excess card and a Beezer card). You're wearing a digital wristwatch. Your pocket is empty.

Let's get a good look at our credit cards.

>examine excess
It is a high-status Iridium US Excess card. When you produce it in expensive restaurants, beautiful women realise that you are the sort of person who would like to have more money than brains. The card is embossed with your name, an improbably long number and a hologram of a yak. It expired last month.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

The doorbell is ringing.

There's someone at the door. Let's see who it is!

>open door
You open the front door.

"Hi," says the annoyingly bright young man in the doorway. "Chowmail Overnite. Are you Mr Plant, of 623 Peach?" He holds up a large burlap bag. "Here's your order of Llamex(R) brand High-Fibre Llama Treats!"

I am Mr. Plant...but this is 621 Peach. So, how to get rid of this guy? I leave that to you.

Puzzles:
A llama-food delivery man who apparently can't tell the difference between a 1 and a 3.

Inventory:
A digital watch
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A Beezer card

Your blood pressure is 137/88, in 9 moves. Your status is Really Pissed Off. Your score is 0 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

> NO
> CLOSE DOOR

Eh, it doesn't matter.

As for this dude... uh, tell him he got the address slightly wrong, I guess.

Give him your wallet.

Pay the man! If an adventure game is offering you an item, 99 times out of 100 you'll need it.

Especially the dumber its name is, as in this case.

Unless of course the other Mr. Plant, the one from the well-known crime family, takes offense to us taking his shipment.

Well, let's try telling him. In response to his question:

>delivery man, no
The delivery man decides to ignore your request.

Maybe we could be more direct about it? And by "more direct," I mean slamming the door in his face.

>close door
You slam the front door in the delivery man's face. You can hear him muttering a traditional llama-food delivery man's curse upon you, your family and your llamas as he walks away.

Well, that got rid of him...except that you need the llama treats to win the game. Unfortunately, we don't have any cash. Fortunately, we do have two credit cards, and one of them is even usable. So, after restoring...

>give beezer to man
[taking the Beezer card out of the wallet first]

The delivery man makes an imprint of your Beezer card with his portable Imprint-O-Mat, gets you to sign a ridiculous form (which you notice in passing contains a larger number than there are things in the known Universe) and hands the card back to you.

"Thank you," he says, depositing the bag at your feet. "If ever your future pet-feeding plans call for llama food, I hope you'll think of Chowmail. Have a nice day!"

The man closes the front door. You can hear him whistling a cheery llama-food delivery tune as he walks away.

And so, now we have a bag of llama treats. Yay, I guess. Now to explore the rest of our house!

>w
Back Room

You're in the back room of your new house, another nice room, at present suitable for lining with latex padding and bouncing off the walls, but likely to be pretty impressive and upwardly mobile once the removals men have sorted out their little problem. The exit leads east to the living room.

You see a combination telephone/answering machine and a table here. On the table you see a hacksaw, an address book, a small case, your Boysenberry computer, a letter and your passport.


And this is it, apparently. Let's get a look at our stuff.

>examine hacksaw
You see nothing unusual about the hacksaw.

>examine book
This is a closed loose-leaf address book. In common with many loose-leaf address books, most of the pages are loose and have fallen out. There are only two or three left. Most of these are stuck together with jam, chewing gum or an unpleasant combination of both.

>read book
On opening the address book, you find that in common with many loose-leaf address books, most of the pages are loose and have fallen out. There are only two or three left. Most of these are stuck together with jam, chewing gum or an unpleasant combination of both.

Which page do you want to read, the first page, the middle page, or the last page?

>first
This page is labelled NAME AND ADDRESS OF OWNER. In your own handwriting you see

Jeff R. Plant
5 Hippo Vista
Rhinoceros, NJ 81818
247-3305

which has been crossed out (aren't you glad you moved?). Under that you've written

Jeff R. Plant
621 Peach
Chicago, IL 45213
612-2114

There's also a notice on this page which says, "If lost, please return this address book to the owner at the above address. $25 reward."

>read middle page
This page offers some personal numbers and two of your bank's addresses.

Sarah
945-8196

Susan
946-8948

Fillmore Fiduciary Trust
14 West Wildebeest Street
Rhinoceros, NJ 81818
248-4625

and

Fillmore Fiduciary Trust
618 Peach
Chicago, IL 45213
941-2624

>read last page
Only two entries are legible on this page.

Mr Ollie Fassbaum, Manager
The Happitec Corporation
17 Okapi Plaza
Chicago, IL 45213
942-1482

and

Getlost Airport Cab
943-8020

I'm sure that you'll want me to call some of these numbers. So, let me know if there are any in particular you want me to call. And fear not, any that I haven't called in the LP proper will go in the bonus updates.

>examine case
It looks as if the small case is closed.

And when something in an adventure game is closed...

>open case
You open the small case.

You see an adventure game cartridge and an eclipse predicting cartridge inside.

Those cartridges will probably be useful, but I'm not sure where just yet.

>examine boysenberry
This is the remarkable Boysenberry laptop computer, made by a subsidiary of your old employers, the Deep Thought Corporation of America. There are no operating controls of any sort, not even an on/off switch. All you see are a tiny screen, a keyboard, a modular jack and a slot for program cartridges.

The word "Boysenberry," and the symbol of a partially digested purple berry, are trademarks of the Boysenberry Business Engines Corporation.

The bolded words are in a black box that appears separately from the rest of the text. This isn't done often in Infocom games, but is quite common in homebrew IF.

And that slot must be where we use the cartridges. Let's try them out!

>get adventure, eclipse
[the eclipse predicting cartridge]

The adventure game cartridge: Taken.
The eclipse predicting cartridge: Taken.

>put adventure in slot
The adventure game cartridge slips into your Boysenberry with a thrilling little click...

BCDOS 1.0
All diagnostics completed
Press any key to boot...

BBE ADVENTURES PRESENT "DORK I"
West of House
You are standing in an open field
west of a white house, with a
boarded front door.
There is a mailbox here.
INTERNAL ERROR 69105.....

Your screen goes blank.

Well, that was a bust. Maybe the eclipse cart will go better?

>get adventure
You take the adventure game cartridge out of your Boysenberry computer.

>put eclipse in boysenberry
[the eclipse predicting cartridge]
The eclipse predicting cartridge slips into your Boysenberry computer with a thrilling little click...

BCDOS 1.0
All diagnostics completed
Press any key to boot...

Boysenberry Eclipse Predictor V6.9
Nearest eclipse: Yesterday
Totality at: 12:37PM
Prime viewing location: Zalagasa
Next eclipse: 2/7/98

Your screen goes blank.

Shame that we missed that eclipse. Now for the last two items.

>examine letter
This is the same letter included (at the last minute and at great expense) in your Bureaucracy package.

Yes, since this is Infocom, there are feelies, and here they are!

>examine passport
You flip open your passport, glance to make sure your French visa is still readable, shudder at the picture, wonder if you really look like a dead llama, and close the book.

Now it's time to explore our neighborhood. So...

>get all
The hacksaw: Taken.
The address book: Taken.
The small case: Taken.
Your Boysenberry computer: Taken.
The letter: Taken.
Your passport: Taken.
The combination telephone/answering machine: You probably should leave the machine where it is, in case you get an important message.

Oh, that's right. There's an answering machine. I wonder if I have any messages?

>examine answering
[the combination telephone/answering machine]

There are certain answering machines which exert a malign influence. They attract rude and inexplicable messages. They intimidate at least 30 per cent of callers, so that half the time you get just an irritating "click" and your blood pressure goes up. This is one of those machines. It has a button marked Playback messages.

>press button

--- Type any character for next msg ---
You hear click followed by a dialling tone.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

--- Type any character for next msg ---
The machine says: "Jones here. I'm the new tenant of your old house. There's a whole bunch of mail been arriving here for you. Urgent stuff from the Fillmore Fiduciary Trust. You know what I thought? I thought 'Do the right thing, Jones. Forward the guy's mail.' Then I found out about the termites. Then I found out about the nightly roach-dance. So I thought 'Rats.' I've returned your mail to your bank. Sort it out yourself."

--- Type any character for next msg ---
You hear click followed by a dialling tone.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

--- Type any character for next msg ---
You hear click followed by a dialling tone.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

--- Type any character for next msg ---
The machine says: "Hi there! Mr Barty Slartfast? Boysenberry Users' Group here. Just a reminder about our next meeting. We've got this insanely great adventure in, it comes in this blue box and, well, you're an income tax inspector and you're on this, uh, bridge, and, um... well, tell you about it at the meeting tomorrow evening at... hello? Hello?"

--- Type any character for next msg ---
The machine says: "You have won $25,000! Oops, you're not home, are you? Oh well, too bad. I'll call the alternate winner."

--- Type any character for next msg ---
You hear click followed by a dialling tone.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

--- Type any character for next msg ---
You hear click followed by a dialling tone.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

--- Type any character for next msg ---
The machine says: "Look, just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get me."

And that's that. Now to explore the neighborhood for real!

>e
Front Room

There's a bag of llama treats here.

>get treats
Taken.

>e
The front door is closed.

>open door
You open the front door.

>e
621 Peach

You're standing on a well-kept sidewalk to the east of your new house. The street bears north and south. There's an overgrown alleyway to the east.

There's a mailbox here.


Hopefully my Happitec check has arrived...

>open mailbox
Yes, there is some mail in the mailbox. No, it is not the cheque from Happitec which you were expecting. It's a leaflet, and it's addressed to 620 Peach. There's obviously something wrong with the city mail delivery system (installed at great expense by the Deep Thought Corporation last year).

Well, darn. Seems like the whole system is out of wack. Might as well see what that leaflet has to say...

>examine leaflet
The leaflet is an irritatingly enthusiastic mail-shot for some computer game. "Now available for your Boysenberry!" it says, pointing out that (a) the game comes in a blue box; (b) if you had a Daktari S/M you could have truly amazing graphics; and (c) if you had a Cormorant Honcho you could have utterly incredible sound. Since the Boysenberry has neither sound nor graphics, you wonder what on earth the marketing manager was thinking of. The mail-shot is addressed to 620 Peach. The sender used a postage stamp.

And since the stamp was specifically mentioned...

>examine stamp
The stamp on the leaflet is worth 42 Zalagasan Wossnames (the Zalagasans were too idle to think of a name for their currency) and shows an extremely bad picture of an Ai-Ai. The Ai-Ai is of course a terribly, terribly rare sort of lemur which is a rare sort of monkey so altogether pretty rare, so rare that nobody has ever seen one, which is why the picture is such a blurred and rotten likeness. Actually, come to think of it, since nobody has ever seen the real thing, the picture might in fact be a really sharp, accurate likeness of a blurred and rotten animal.

A nerdy-looking young man you've never seen before stumbles into view. "Are you Jeff Plant, of 621 Peach, Chicago, formerly of 5 Hippo Vista, Rhinoceros, New Jersey?" he asks in an obnoxiously whiny voice. "I have something I know you'll want. It's a digital tooth meter! Only 76 bucks!"

Well, that stamp might be valuable, so we should hold onto it. Also, that nerd is going to be annoying us throughout the game, trying to sell us some sort of worthless item for more money than you have. Let's get a look at him and his current wares.

>examine nerd
We do not believe you've never seen a nerd before. You probably hang out with them all the time. This one is just like those ones.

At the moment, he's waving a digital tooth meter in your face in a thoroughly obnoxious manner.

>examine meter
Intellectuals, nerds and geniuses can't be expected to keep track of everything. How often have you been walking down the street thinking about tensor calculus when Bang! over you go? Now miracle microtechnology has the answer. Just clip the tooth meter to your lip and it keeps a running total of your tooth-count in nonvolatile RAM. So next time you bite the sidewalk, Bing! the tooth meter will instantly give you a "read-out" of how many teeth you have lost. Also works for spectacle lenses.

The nerd waves the digital tooth meter impatiently. "C'mon, buddy. 76 bucks! A bargain!"


Well, we have no use for this, and we can't afford it anyway, so let's explore more of this street.

Whenever the nerd shows up, I'll examine whatever rubbish he has to peddle, and anything I can't show off in the LP proper, I'll show in a bonus update.

>n
"Hey! Wait!" cries the nerd. "Can I go out with your sister?"

620 Peach

You see a rather run-down restaurant to the east, and one of those bookstores which looks as if it wouldn't have anything you want to buy to the west. The street continues north and south.

>n
619 Peach

This is the commercial district. You see a rather shabby brownstone tenement (obviously once a grand family house) to the east, and a travel agency (which is trying to look like a bank) to the west. The Fillmore Fiduciary Trust Bank (which is trying to look like a travel agency) lies to the north. The street continues south.


And that's everything to the north. Now, the south!

>s
620 Peach

>s
621 Peach

There's a mailbox here. Inside the mailbox you see a leaflet.

>s
622 Peach

You're standing west of a mansion; its rather ornate door is closed. The road continues north and south.

A recording of something icky by John Denver is playing in the mansion.

>s
623 Peach

A modest, ochre-and-aubergine striped llama-farm farmhouse stands to the west, its front door closed. The street continues north and south.

A llama is watching you from a pen at the side of the road. A mailbox is attached to the front of the pen.

There's a notice here.

The snivelling, ratty and ineffectual nerd stumbles into view again. "There you are!" he whines. "I've got something I know you'll want. A universal accessory! Only 76 bucks!"

>examine accessory
This amazing accessory is complete with an incredibly intricate Japanese multifunction plug and fully-shielded coaxial cable regulated by miracle microchip technology, designed to plug into the back of anything and look complicated. It is to computers what the paperweight is to aerodynamics.

The nerd waves the universal accessory impatiently. "C'mon, buddy. 76 bucks! A bargain!"

The llama blinks at you stupidly.

>s
"Hey! Wait!" cries the nerd. "Can I go out with your sister?"

624 Peach

You're at a dead end. A camouflaged and heavily fortified house stands to the south. You'd expect things like a moat and drawbridge, but you can't see them from here. There is a gate of the impenetrable sort; who knows what delights lie behind it? The street leads north.

You are feeling hungry.

The short hairs standing up on the back of your neck tell you that either (a) a goose has just walked over your grave or (b) some paranoid individual is spying on you through an extremely well-hidden camera.


And that's the entire street. Next time, we'll be exploring the buildings. But which one should I explore first? The ones that are available are:
A bank.
A tenement.
A travel agency.
A restaurant.
A bookstore.
A mansion.
A llama farm.
A heavily fortified house.

Also, it occured to me that I forgot to read the notice outside the farmhouse. So...

>read notice
The notice says,

"Dear Newspaper Boy,

Please do not leave any papers for the next three weeks. I am away on vacation and do not want papers piling up on my doorstep where thieves can see them.

Have a nice day!"

A tangerine Cougar has just driven past. It was full of burglars, laughing and taking notes.


And, yes, the Cougar's appearance is linked to reading the notice AFAIK. 'Til next time!

Puzzles:
Trying to find out where our mail wound up.

Inventory:
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A letter (included in the feelies)
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
An address book
A hacksaw
An adventure game cartridge (can't actually be played due to an internal error)
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 126/83, in 60 moves. Your status is Annoyed. Your score is 0 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

Steal the notice. How else are you going to get his newspaper?

Oh boy, this is going to take forever and a day if people knowledgeable about the game don't step in.

It's going to be brilliant and frustrating, all at the same time.

The time limit for this part will probably cause Kahran some headaches later.

Maybe our mail wound up at the travel agency somehow?

Explore the tenement, I say.

This. I'm sure our bank has excellent customer service.

Indeed, to all of those, which is why I'm wondering why I chose to LP this game in the first place. Anyway, there have been votes to explore both the tenement and the travel agency, with slightly more for the travel agency, so we'll go there first.

Travel Agency

You're in a travel agency which is trying to look like a bank. The exit is to the east.

A travel agent is sitting behind the desk, waiting for customers to explain exactly where they want to go and how they want to get there so that she can get a large commission for misunderstanding everything and sending them to Djakarta.

A large sign is hanging on the wall behind the desk.

No sign must be left unread, so...

>read sign
The sign says:

DON'T FORGET YOUR VISA!

Be sure to ask your travel agent about visa requirements!

Since I'm going abroad, it would probably be a good idea to ask her.

>ask agent about visa requirements
"Hey, what do I know about visa requirements? People like put up these signs, they don't tell me anything, right? Some dumb regulation, I guess."

Well, that was annoying. Fortunately, it didn't raise my blood pressure. I can't think of anything else to do in here, so let's check out the tenement.

>e
619 Peach

You're beginning to feel normal again.

This means that my blood pressure has stabilized, if you're wondering.

>e
Hallway

You're in a dark, dank, drab hallway. Grey, greasy stone stairs lead up, and an exit (the door long ago ripped off by drunken opera critics) leads west. There's a closed door in the south wall.

>open door
The door seems to be locked.

Well, I don't have Rezrov in this game, but it's similar in effect to Knock, so maybe...

>knock on door
Somebody unlocks the door from the inside. "Come in, come in," says an impatient voice, and the door opens a little.

>s
Flat

You're in a dingy flat which smells of old tea bags. A blistered green door leads north.

A piece of mail, as yet undamaged by the collector, lies at your feet.

A mousy little wimp of a fellow is sitting at a table, snipping envelopes into tiny pieces, burrowing through the shredded paper, tittering mousily and grabbing at the stamps with his mousy little hands. The floor is littered with snipped-up paper.

The little man glances up as you enter. "Hi, mister. Can I help you?" he asks in a preoccupied tone.

Well, we've gotten into the apartment. But what to do now?

Puzzles:
Trying to find out where our mail wound up.

Inventory:
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A letter (included in the feelies)
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
An address book
A hacksaw
An adventure game cartridge (can't actually be played due to an internal error)
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 120/80, in 76 moves. Your status is Stable. Your score is 0 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

The man is grabbing at stamps from amongst his clippings. There was a stamp on the leaflet in our mailbox. Ergo, we must show it to him.

Sounds good to me.

> EXAMINE MAIL
> TAKE MAIL
> SEARCH SHREDDED PAPER
> XYZZY
> ASK MAN ABOUT HAPPITEC

Well, Kala has found the correct solution to this puzzle, but let's try some of Schep's suggestions first.

>examine mail
You'll have to pick it up first.

>take mail
"Don't touch!" scolds the mousy man, nudging the mail out of your reach. "Haven't looked at that one yet."

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

>search shredded paper
You can't see any shredded paper here.

So, Ratboy can search it, but I can't? I cry foul. But maybe...

>get shredded paper
You can't see any shredded paper here.

Or not. Oh, well. On with the suggestions!

>xyzzy
[Sigh.]

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

>ask man about happitec
[This story isn't allowed to recognise the word "happitec."]

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

Well, since he's a stamp collector, he might be interested in the stamp I found on that worthless leaflet. But first, I'll have to get it. So...

>n
"Pip-pip," murmurs the man as you leave.

Hallway

>w
619 Peach

>s
620 Peach

>s
621 Peach

There's a mailbox here. Inside the mailbox you see a leaflet.

>get stamp
What's the stuff? Glue; that's it. Yes. Amazing. The stamp is actually glued to the leaflet.

>get leaflet
You take the leaflet out of the mailbox.

And now, I'll take it to him. Hope he likes it...

>n
620 Peach

>n
619 Peach

>e
Hallway

>s
Flat

A piece of mail, as yet undamaged by the collector, lies at your feet.

A mousy little wimp of a fellow is sitting at a table, snipping envelopes into tiny pieces, burrowing through the shredded paper, tittering mousily and grabbing at the stamps with his mousy little hands. The floor is littered with snipped-up paper.

The little man glances up as you enter. "You again. What is it now?" he asks in a preoccupied tone.

Well, I do have something that I think might have been meant for you...

>give leaflet to man
The mousy man's little black button eyes grow wide when he sees the leaflet. "I don't believe it," he whispers, fondling the stamp. "The Zalagasa 42 Ai-Ai. First and rarest in the Almost Unbelievably Rare Little, Um, Well, Sort of Monkey-Type Animals of the Southern Hemisphere Series!"

Whooping with glee, the little fellow skitters up and down and performs a series of handstands and cartwheels around his little apartment. Then he opens his pants, stuffs the precious leaflet into his underwear (of which the less said, the better), pulls on a coat and dashes out the door. "Ai-Ai! The Ai-Ai!" he shrieks all the way down the street.

Well, he certainly is passionate about his hobby. But now I can steal his mail!

>get mail
Most of the mail is rather useless, not even worth picking up. You do find a Popular Paranoia magazine, though.

[Your score just went up.]


The magazine is a feelie, but we can probably take a better look at it.

>examine magazine
It's the latest issue of Popular Paranoia magazine, addressed to 624 Peach. A sweepstakes blurb on the cover says, "You may already have won $1,000,000.00 in gold!!!" There's also one of those cute little orange Postal Service stickers, with a C printed on it.

Remember that letter. It'll be important later.

And with that, I end this update. Which buildings to explore next? We still have:
*A bank.
*A restaurant.
*A bookstore.
*A mansion.
*A llama farm.
*A heavily fortified house.

Until next time, friends!

Inventory:
A Popular Paranoia magazine (included in the feelies)
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A letter (included in the feelies)
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
An address book
A hacksaw
An adventure game cartridge (can't actually be played due to an internal error)
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 131/85, in 95 moves. Your status is Angry. Your score is 1 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

Oh, and the notice can't be taken. Sorry.

Explore the llama farm, says I. Give the llamas the llama treats.

>n
Hallway

>w
619 Peach

You hear a hatefully familiar whine close at hand. "There you are!" he whines. "I've got something I know you'll want. A decision-support system for executives! Only 76 bucks!"

>examine system
A vital tool for the career executive. A random decision-tree advises when to buy, sell, agree, stymie, sabotage, crawl, cover your back etc., totally without reference to reality. A must for the busy manager. Complete with appalling Harvard MBA-style meaningless jargon.

The nerd waves the decision-support system for executives impatiently. "C'mon, buddy. 76 bucks! A bargain!"

>s
"Hey! Wait!" cries the nerd. "Can I go out with your sister?"

620 Peach

>s
621 Peach

There's a mailbox here.

>s
622 Peach

The radio in the mansion begins to play an instrumental version of "Yesterday," which should help Paul McCartney pay for Give My Regards to Broad Street.

You hear a sound like a wet oboe. Something is bleating to the south.

>s
623 Peach

A llama is watching you from a pen at the side of the road. A mailbox is attached to the front of the pen.

There's a notice here.

You are feeling very hungry.

So, the llama farm has a mailbox! I wonder if this might be where our mail wound up?

>look in mailbox
Peering inside, you notice that the back of the mailbox opens directly into the llama's trough. Strangely enough, this doesn't strike you as remotely peculiar.

Probably some sort of variant on an SEP field. Let's get that mail!

>get mail
The llama licks you. You are horribly aware that the llama's tongue is directly connected to the llama's insides. You quickly pull your hand out of the mailbox.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]


Guess that the llama's hungry. Fortunately, we have something for that.

>open bag
You open the bag of llama treats. The bag is full of Llamex(R) brand High-Fibre Llama Treats.

>put treats in trough
It's pretty obvious that you are a beginner at llama-feeding and do not know the ropes. You have two choices; one, you can go to the bookshop and buy a copy of Why Feed Your Llama The Easy Way? by Pablo "Che" Vicuna; and, two, you can just shove the whole ruddy thing through the mailbox and into the trough. You choose the latter method.

The llama sniffs at the open bag, emits a hateful little bleat of delight, and begins to chomp on the llama treats inside.

And now...

>get mail
The llama is sufficiently distracted to keep her tongue to herself when you reach through the mailbox.

Most of the mail is rather useless, not even worth picking up. You do find a flyer, though.

[Your score just went up.]

Well, it's not our check...but what could it be?

>read flyer
This is a sweepstakes flyer ("You may already have won $1,000,000.00!!!"), addressed to 623 Peach. There's also one of those cute little orange Postal Service stickers, with an E printed on it.

The llama chomps eagerly on the llama treats.

Again, I hope you're paying attention to these letters. So far, we've seen C and E.

Now, to see if we can get into the farmhouse.

>open door
The front door won't budge no matter how hard you try.

>knock on door
There's no answer.


Guess not. So, where to go next time? The choices are:
*A bank.
*A restaurant.
*A bookstore.
*A mansion.
*A fortified house.

Inventory:
A flyer
A Popular Paranoia magazine (included in the feelies)
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A letter (included in the feelies)
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
An address book
A hacksaw
An adventure game cartridge (can't actually be played due to an internal error)
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 126/83, in 117 moves. Your status is Annoyed. Your score is 2 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

We're getting hungry, so... Restaurant!

After we dine, let's give the letter to the travel agent.

Since we are, indeed, hungry, next stop is the restaurant!

>n
622 Peach

>n
621 Peach

There's a mailbox here.

>n
620 Peach

The ghastly nerd reappears at your side, peering myopically through his filthy Coke-bottle spectacles. "There you are!" he whines. "I've got something I know you'll want. A set of rare hackers' log-file disks! Only 76 bucks!"

>examine disks
These disks contain hundreds of incredibly rare telephone numbers, passwords, user accounts and encryption routines for getting into other people's computers and fouling them up. They really hate it, but I don't mind telling you -- after all, you're one of us.

The nerd waves the set of rare hackers' log-file disks impatiently. "C'mon, buddy. 76 bucks! A bargain!"

>e
You step into the dingy restaurant.

"Hey! Wait!" cries the nerd. "Can I go out with your sister?"

Restaurant

You're in a fast-food restaurant. This is merely a bureaucratic convention, since the food is not really fast. Nor is it really food. There's an exit out to the street, and a somewhat grubby door to the south.

Now to order.

>sit down
You're not unnaturally assuming that all restaurants have places to sit. This one doesn't. But don't worry about it, you won't want to linger over your meal.

A harried-looking waitress appears at your side. "May I take your order now, sir?"

>>yes
The waitress sighs too loudly. "All right, sir, how would you like your burger done? Raw? Rare? Medium? Well-done?"

>>medium
"Bar-b-que sauce on that?"

Why not?

>>yes
"Very well, sir. Melted cheese?"

Duh!

>>yes
"Swiss, American, or Cheddar?"

Well, since it's only fit to eat when melted...

>>American
"How about bacon?"

Everything's better with bacon!

>>yes
"Mushrooms?"

Don't let's be silly here.

>>no
"Great. Now, you've your choice of french fries, baked potato or salad with that. Which will it be, sir?"

The classic, naturally!

>>french fries
"Ketchup with the fries?"

French fries without ketchup are like...French fries without ketchup.

>>yes
"Right. Now, sir, would you care for a drink?"

Off course!

>>yes
"Is there any particular kind of drink you want to have? We've got beer, wine, soda or juice."

Might as well go with the secondary standard fast-food drink.

>>soda
"Cola, orange or lemon-lime?"

Of those choices, my favorite would be...

>>orange
"Diet or regular?"

You might as well ask me if I'd rather walk barefoot through a field of broken glass or play Mario Party with my friends.

>>regular
"With or without caffeine?"

Either is good, but I might as well take the healthy option here.

>>without
"A glass of water on the side?"

If I already have a drink, why would I need that?

>>no
The waitress races away. A few moments later, she returns. "Our computer crashed, and we lost your order. It's time for my break, so someone else will have to take your order." She walks away.

Slippin' rippin' dang fang rotten zarg barg a ding dong...

>z
Time passes.

You're beginning to feel normal again.

>z
Time passes.

A surly-looking waiter with huge bunched muscles like the sort of people who kick whole beaches in people's faces appears at your side. "Are you ready to order now?"

>>yes
The waiter sighs too loudly. "All right, sir, how would you like your burger done? Raw? Rare? Medium? Well-done?"

>>repeat previous incredibly long and complified order
The waiter squints at his pad with tiny simian eyes, breathing hard with the intellectual effort of it all. "Let's see if I got that right. You want a medium burger with American cheese, bar-b-que sauce and bacon, an order of fries with ketchup, and regular caffeine-free orange soda. Is that right?"

>>yes
The waiter nods. "That'll be a few minutes," he says as he races away.

>z
Time passes.

The waiter reappears. "Your burger, sir," he announces, dropping it on the table before you and racing off before you can complain about its size.

Hey, where are my fries and soda? But maybe they at least got the burger right...

>examine burger
What you have here is just a standard, smells-like-a-dog's-ear burger, with nothing on it. It seems to be well-done.

...or not. It's overcooked, and doesn't have any of the fixins' I requested Oh, well. It's better than nothing, so down the hatch!

>eat burger
You're pretty hungry so you eat with satisfaction.

[Your score just went up.]

The waiter reappears. "That will be $4.50, sir," he says.

Time to dine 'n' dash!

>s
You slither out the back way, wondering why you never see any live dogs hanging around this restaurant.

Alley

This is an overgrown, grassy alley, surrounded by a tall creosoted fence. An open back door leads north; there's a gap in the fence to the south. The exit leads west.

The waitress you met in the restaurant is standing nearby. Beside her is a mysterious-looking man in Deep Thought Corporation coveralls, whispering into a walkie-talkie that's beige in colour.

The two freeze at the sight of you. "It's him!" hisses the waitress. Before you can speak or move, they slink around a corner and disappear.

Somebody slams the back door shut.

And now, to give that letter to the travel agent.

>w
621 Peach

There's a mailbox here.

>n
620 Peach

>n
619 Peach

>w
You step into the travel agency.

Travel Agency

A travel agent is sitting behind the desk, waiting for customers to explain exactly where they want to go and how they want to get there so that she can get a large commission for misunderstanding everything and sending them to Djakarta.

A large sign is hanging on the wall behind the desk.

>give letter to travel agent
The travel agent takes the letter, glances at it, shrugs and tosses a ticket on the desk. "There you go, right?" she yawns. "Like, uh, it's been real."

[Your score just went up.]

And we've got the ticket. Better check it out.

>get ticket then examine it
You take the airline ticket off the desk.

It's a round-trip ticket to Paris on Omnia Gallia flight 105, departing Chicago Airport at four o'clock this afternoon.

4:00...better check the time.

>examine watch
Your digital wristwatch says it's Saturday, 10:51 am.


Good...we've got plenty of time before our flight leaves. So, what to do now, and which building to explore next? We have:
*A bank.
*A bookstore.
*A mansion.
*A fortified house.

Inventory:
An airline ticket (the flight leaves at 4:00)
A flyer
A Popular Paranoia magazine (included in the feelies)
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A letter (included in the feelies)
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
An address book
A hacksaw
An adventure game cartridge (can't actually be played due to an internal error)
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 120/80, in 138 moves. Your status is Stable. Your score is 3 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.