Unfortunately, there's a radio connected to my brain. Let's play Bureaucracy!

Well, I guess I could try opening the door...

>open door
The gaol door won't budge.

Can't say I'm surprised. I guess I probably should have mentioned that "gaol" means "jail," but it didn't cross my mind. So, how to escape?

It was worth a try anyway.

Pick the lock. You might need to pick your nose a few times first.

I'll try it, although I don't have anything with which to pick the lock...

>pick lock
You can't see any lock here.

I guess I could try Mogri's other suggestion...

>pick nose
You can't see any nose here.


Anyway, how might I get out? I'll give you the hint that when I was jailed, none of my inventory was taken away. Once again, I've got:
A coupon booklet
A damaged portrait of Mikhail S. Gorbachev
An airline ticket (the flight leaves at 4:00)
A flyer
A Popular Paranoia magazine (included in the feelies)
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
A recipe cartridge (containing a foul-looking stew recipe)
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
An address book
A hacksaw
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

So, what might I have that could help me escape?

The hacksaw?

The credit card?

It is, indeed, the hacksaw! So...

>cut bars with hacksaw
It would take you forever to saw through the bars in the door with that.
The weirdo observes your futile efforts to saw through the bars. He says, "What a great idea! Perhaps this will help." He hands you a Swiss army knife from his pocket.

Not likely, but let's check it out.

>examine knife
This is one of those multi-function Swiss army knives. It appears to have all of the usual blades, screwdrivers, bottle openers, hair dryers and food processors one associates with such devices. In addition, there's a button marked POWER SAW and a lever marked GENERATOR.

A power saw and generator? How convenient. So...

>press button
The Swiss army knife ejects a power saw.

>pull lever
The Swiss army knife ejects a portable foot-powered generator.

Now, to set this up. First, though, let's get a good look at the generator and see what makes it tick.

>examine generator
The portable foot-powered generator resembles an exercise bicycle except that the mechanism is such that using it not only provides exercise but also produces electricity. It was invented by Martin Moeller. Martin never had the willpower to exercise and he loved watching television. He invented the foot-powered generator and connected his television to it. This way he couldn't watch TV without exercising.

Quite ingenious. But on with the great escape!

>plug power saw into generator
You plug the power saw into the portable foot-powered generator.

>give power saw to weirdo
The weirdo takes the saw.

>sit on generator
You sit on the portable foot-powered generator and start pedalling.
The weirdo starts the saw, cuts the door open and drops the power saw. You get off the portable foot-powered generator.

And we're out! After saving the game, just in case...

>n
Basement

This is the basement of the paranoid's house. At the south end of the basement is a gaol. The gaol door is open. A stairway leads up.

>u
Foyer

The completely, utterly paranoid owner of this house is here. He does not look pleased.

There's some mail here.

>get mail
As the paranoid points his machine gun at you, you decide not to take it.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

The weirdo follows you.

Well, darn. That didn't work. But maybe I can take it now that the weirdo is here?

>get mail
As the paranoid points his machine gun at you, you decide not to take it.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

The weirdo runs away leaving you and the paranoid alone.

Well, darn. Seems that there's no way to get the mail just now. But if I try again, maybe...

>get mail
As the paranoid points his machine gun at you, you decide not to take it.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

The paranoid assumes you are out to get him (which you probably are) and kills you. Of course, everyone is out to get him, so it doesn't help him much. As for you, maybe everyone is out to get you as well.

Death

You are dead.

...I'll die. So, how to get the paranoid's mail? I'll warn you that it's not the most intuitive solution around, so it's one of those ones that I'll leave up for a couple of days and solve on my own if you don't. Bye for now!

Inventory:
A Swiss army knife
A coupon booklet
A damaged portrait of Mikhail S. Gorbachev
An airline ticket (the flight leaves at 4:00)
A flyer
A Popular Paranoia magazine (included in the feelies)
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
A recipe cartridge (containing a foul-looking stew recipe)
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
An address book
A hacksaw
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 120/80, in 240 moves. Your status is Stable. Your score is 6 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

Death toll: 2 (shot between the eyes by an old woman with an elephant gun, killed by a heavily-armed paranoiac)

Could we give him the magazine? To properly appreciate the feelies he will have to put down the gun, to which you can grab the mail and run like hell.

Don't you know the Law of Multiple Paranoid People? It states that two paranoid people in the same room will inevitably cancel each other out (sometimes violently) if no other people are present for them to focus on. Let the Woody Allen impersonator go up the stairs first, and then let nature take its course.

Sorry about taking so long to update, but I've been adjusting to getting back on my regular schedule after Thanksgiving break. Anyway, back to Operation: Steal Mail From Paranoid. Of the two solutions submitted, giving him the magazine just generates canned text, so let's try Sky's suggestion of letting the weirdo go upstairs first.

>n
Basement

This is the basement of the paranoid's house. At the south end of the basement is a gaol. The gaol door is open. A stairway leads up.

>z
Time passes.

The weirdo follows you.

>z
Time passes.

The weirdo climbs the stairs.

Hopefully the weirdo has at least bought me enough time to swipe the mail.

Also, I have no idea how anyone was supposed to figure this out without hints.

>u
Foyer

The twitching weirdo is here. He obviously arrived before you.

The completely, utterly paranoid owner of this house is here. He does not look pleased.

There's some mail here.

The weirdo leaves with the paranoid in hot pursuit.

Well, with the paranoid gone, I can steal his mail unharmed, and by the process of elimination, my mail must have arrived here. So...

>get mail
Most of the mail is rather useless, not even worth picking up. Amid the junk, you find an envelope and a soggy former money order. You regretfully leave the soggy former money order behind, and take the envelope.

[Your score just went up.]

I wonder what happened to my money order?

>examine money order
From what you can see, it's a money order from Happitec. After a long bath, to ensure that it wasn't a letter bomb, there's not much useful information left on it.

If you're wondering, the money order is always at the last house you check, and it's always mangled beyond usefulness. I'll try to show off each possible state of the money order in the bonus updates.

Anyway, maybe the envelope is somehow useful?

>examine envelope
The closed envelope is addressed to Jeff Plant, 621 Peach. There's also one of those cute little orange Postal Service stickers, with a B printed on it.

Iin case you haven't been paying attention, the Postal Service stickers we've found have had on were, in order, C, E, D, and B. Again, this will be important later.

Anyway, what could be in this envelope?

>open envelope
You open the envelope.

You see a cheque and a memo inside.

And now to examine the documents inside.

>read memo
It's a memo from US Excess Travel Services.

Dear Jeff Plant:
Your account is overdue by $75. You have ignored our many previous attempts to collect this money. We have taken appropriate action (see enclosure).

Yours truly,
L. C. J. Tester, Credit Manager

>examine check
This is a cheque drawn on the Fillmore Fiduciary Trust, in the amount of -$75.00 (yes, that is a minus sign). It's made out to Jeff Plant.

The good news is, we finally have some money. The bad news is, it's negative money. There's probably some way to benefit from this, but how? I leave that to you. WARNING: This is easily the least intuitive puzzle in the game.

Puzzles:
A negative check.

Inventory:
An envelope
A check (for -$75.00)
A memo
A Swiss army knife
A coupon booklet
A damaged portrait of Mikhail S. Gorbachev
An airline ticket (the flight leaves at 4:00)
A flyer
A Popular Paranoia magazine (included in the feelies)
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
A recipe cartridge (containing a foul-looking stew recipe)
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
An address book
A hacksaw
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 120/80, in 252 moves. Your status is Stable. Your score is 7 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

Death toll: 2 (shot between the eyes by an old woman with an elephant gun, killed by a heavily-armed paranoiac)

We just change it to a plus sign, but that is far too obvious to be correct. So, open a portal to the nega-verse and cash the check. As we all know, negative numbers in the nega-verse result in positive monies.

Actually, as far as adventure game puzzles go, that one with the two paranoids was pretty routine. There's generally four actions that you have to do keep the story going in adventure games: "get thing", "use thing", "use thing A on thing B", and "wait". The first three are generally the only ones people think of off-hand since, in so many adventure games, you're on an invisible timer to get stuff done and waiting around can often cheat you out of a win.

I'll let someone else try figuring this puzzle out...

Perhaps the better question to ask is "what do you need exactly seventy-five dollars for?" Because I have no idea!

You could switch the bank's name with yours by cutting up the check with that pocket knife, perhaps.

My guess is something with the coupon booklet. Maybe try to pass it off as some of the amazing savings inside to get yourself something nice?

This is a much better idea!

What happens if you try to deposit the -75 dollars at the bank?

You're on the right track, so I'll give it a try. But first, I'll try modifying the check somehow.

>cut check with knife
You couldn't possibly cut the cheque with the Swiss army knife.

It's not a very good knife, is it?

>n
As you leave the house, it puts on a very impressive display, shutting itself up after you. Finally, you pass through the gate, which rattles shut behind you.

624 Peach

>n
623 Peach

A llama is chomping happily on her treats in a pen at the side of the road. A mailbox is attached to the front of the pen.

There's a notice here.

>n
622 Peach

>n
621 Peach

There's a mailbox here.

>n
620 Peach

>n
619 Peach

>n
You discover the bank is closed for 4 minutes.

>n
You discover the bank is closed for 3 minutes.

>n
You discover the bank is closed for 2 minutes.

>n
You discover the bank is closed for 1 minute.

>n
As you enter, you hear an announcement say, "WARNING: The bank will close in 25 minutes."

Bank

Now, to find a window for deposits. Eventually...

>e
Teller #6

This window has a sign above it that says:
THIS WINDOW FOR DEPOSITS ONLY.

The teller at the window says, "Do you wish to make a deposit?"

>>yes
"Here is a deposit slip," she says as she hands you one.

Now to fill it out.

Last name: Plant
First name: Jeff
Middle initial: R
Amount of deposit: $75 ERROR: - is OK for us not you.
From illegal activity? (y/n): n NOTE: Must have mugged an old lady.
If yes, which one:

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

You have now filled out the slip.

>give slip to teller
She takes the deposit slip and asks you for the cheque or money.

>give check to teller
You'd have to take the cheque out of the envelope first.

You're beginning to feel normal again.

>get check
You take the cheque out of the envelope.

>give it to teller
"Please show me some ID."

>get credit card
You're already holding the Beezer card.

>give card to teller
The bank teller looks at the Beezer card and returns it to you. She says (while returning your cheque), "I'd need another $150.00 to complete this transaction. Perhaps you should try the withdrawal window. Have a nice day."

Because it's a negative check, so in order to cash it for $75, I'd need to have 75 extra bucks in the bank, and that's where I'll leave off. I will say, though, that the bank is indeed the correct route. So, from this, do you know what to do to get some cash from a negative check? If no one has figured it out by tomorrow, I'll show the solution then.

Puzzles:
A check for a negative amount of cash.

A check (for -$75.00)
An envelope
A memo
A Swiss army knife
A coupon booklet
A damaged portrait of Mikhail S. Gorbachev
An airline ticket (the flight leaves at 4:00)
A flyer
A Popular Paranoia magazine (included in the feelies)
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
A recipe cartridge (containing a foul-looking stew recipe)
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
An address book
A hacksaw
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 120/80, in 282 moves. Your status is Stable. Your score is 7 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

Death toll: 2 (shot between the eyes by an old woman with an elephant gun, killed by a heavily-armed paranoiac)

Go to the withdrawal window? If it's the opposite, maybe it'll do the opposite?

Claim the check is for an illegal activity. The bank will have to cancel it. There goes your credit card debt.

Okay, yeah, I think schep has the solution here. That's much more adventure-gamey than mine, and fits the theme of the game.
I suppose we'll see!

I know that now it's "the day after tomorrow" and not "tomorrow," but it's still dark out where I am, so here goes. As promised, I'll do the correct solution to the negative-check problem in this update, but first I'll show off schep's suggestion to see if it works.

Last name: Plant
First name: Jeff
Middle initial: R
Amount of deposit: $75
From illegal activity? (y/n): y NOTE: You'll get caught.
If yes, which one: Drug dealing

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

You have now filled out the slip.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

You have now filled out the slip.

>give slip to teller
She takes the deposit slip and asks you for the cheque or money.

>give check to teller
"Please show me some ID."

You're beginning to feel normal again.

>show beezer to teller
The bank teller looks at the Beezer card. She says (while returning your cheque), "I'd need another $150.00 to complete this transaction. Perhaps you should try the withdrawal window. Have a nice day."

This is apparently a pretty shady bank if they'll even accept checks that are even blatantly stated as being for illegal activities. Anyway, now for the correct solution. As poetfox suggested earlier and the teller implied, we'll have to go to the withdrawal window first.

>e
Teller #7

A sign on the window says NEXT WINDOW PLEASE.

>e
Teller #8

This window has a sign above it that says:
THIS WINDOW FOR WITHDRAWALS ONLY.

The teller at the window says, "Do you wish to make a withdrawal?"

>>yes
"Here is a withdrawal slip," she says as she hands you one.

>fill out slip

Last name: Plant
First name: Jeff
Middle initial: R
Amount of withdrawal: $75
For illegal activity? (y/n): n NOTE: Not what our spies say.
If yes, which one:

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

You have now filled out the slip.

Now, back to the deposit window, and, well, let's just let the game speak for itself.

>w
Teller #7

A sign on the window says NEXT WINDOW PLEASE.

>w
Teller #6

This window has a sign above it that says:
THIS WINDOW FOR DEPOSITS ONLY.

>give slip to teller
She takes the withdrawal slip and asks you for the cheque or money.

>give check to teller
"Please show me some ID."

>show beezer to teller
The bank teller looks at the Beezer card. She says, "Let's see, you are depositing -$75 using a withdrawal slip. Since a withdrawal slip is the negative of a deposit slip, negative of -$75 is $75. It all makes perfect sense. Your new balance is $85.00. Have a nice day."

You're beginning to feel normal again.

Unfortunately, the bank has closed. You are whisked out of the bank with an efficiency that the bank obviously never applies to approving mortgages or clearing out-of-state cheques.

619 Peach

See what I mean when I say this puzzle makes no sense? Anyway, to actually get some cash from this, we'll have to go back into the bank.

If you're wondering, we need cash to call a cab to get to the airport for the next phase of the game. Just thought I'd let y'all know that.

>n
You discover the bank is closed for 6 minutes.

>n
You discover the bank is closed for 5 minutes.

>n
You discover the bank is closed for 4 minutes.

>n
You discover the bank is closed for 3 minutes.

>n
You discover the bank is closed for 2 minutes.

>n
You discover the bank is closed for 1 minute.

>n
As you enter, you hear an announcement say, "WARNING: The bank will close in 29 minutes."

Bank

>n
Teller #5

This window has a sign above it that says:
THIS WINDOW FOR ADDRESS CHANGES ONLY.

The teller at the window says, "Do you wish to file a change of address?"

>>no
The bank teller instructs you to go to window 6.

>e
Teller #6

A sign on the window says NEXT WINDOW PLEASE.

>e
Teller #7

A sign on the window says NEXT WINDOW PLEASE.

>e
Teller #8

A sign on the window says NEXT WINDOW PLEASE.

>e
Teller #9

This window has a sign above it that says:
THIS WINDOW FOR WITHDRAWALS ONLY.

The teller at the window says, "Do you wish to make a withdrawal?"

>>yes
"Here is a withdrawal slip," she says as she hands you one.

>fill out slip

(same as before)

>give slip to teller
"May I see some ID please."

>show beezer to teller
The bank teller looks at the Beezer card. She hands you your money and says, "Your new balance is $10.00. Have a nice day."

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

[Your score just went up.]


If you're wondering, I took $75 because my account has a minimum balance of $10.

Anyway, now to call the cab! First, we'll head back to Casa Planta.

>s
Bank

>time
Your digital wristwatch says it's Saturday, 1:03 pm.

Good...plenty of time before the plane leaves.

>s
619 Peach

>s
620 Peach

>s
621 Peach

There's a mailbox here.

>w
You hear the tail end of a message on your answering machine.

Front Room

Hmm, might be important. After bumbling around for a while because I forgot that the answering machine was in the back room...

>w
Back Room

You see a table and a combination telephone/answering machine here.

>press button

--- Type any character for next msg ---
The machine says: "This is Fillmore Fiduciary. We haven't received your change-of-address form yet, so we can't send your bank statement. We thought you'd like to know that you're overdrawn."

--- Type any character for next msg ---
You hear click followed by a dialling tone.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

Anyway, time to call a cab and blow this popsicle stand!

>dial 943-8020
Your call goes off into the ether... You get a busy signal.

That's weird...I thought that was the number for the cab company. Maybe I should check again?

>read address book
On opening the address book, you find that in common with many loose-leaf address books, most of the pages are loose and have fallen out. There are only two or three left. Most of these are stuck together with jam, chewing gum or an unpleasant combination of both.

Which page do you want to read, the first page, the middle page, or the last page?

>last
Only two entries are legible on this page.

Mr Ollie Fassbaum, Manager
The Happitec Corporation
17 Okapi Plaza
Chicago, IL 45213
942-4808

and

Getlost Airport Cab
943-0691

OK, there it is.

>call 943-0691
After a few rings a man answers. "Getlost Airport Cab. Last name of passenger please."

>>Plant
"Ok, buddy, where do you wanna go?"

>>airport
"Great, buddy. The airport's our specialty. What's the name of your street?"

>>Peach
"Street number?"

>>621
"Okay. Lemme put you on hold for a minute while I see what we got in your area."

Click!

>call 943-0691
You'd have to hang up first.

Whoops...I thought that that click meant that the cab guy had hung up on me. Well, I guess I'll have to...

>wait
Time passes.

The cab company plays you "Leader of the Pack," performed by a world-famous kazoo soloist.

>z
Time passes.

The cab company plays you "Delta Dawn," with the lyrics mercifully mixed out.

>z
Time passes.

The cab company plays you "Leader of the Pack," backed by too many clarinets.

You're beginning to feel normal again.

>z
Time passes.

The cab company plays you "The Girl From Ipanema," with lots of strings.

>z
Time passes.

The cab company plays you the theme from Shaft.

>z
Time passes.

The cab company plays you "I Write the Songs," backed by too many clarinets.

>z
Time passes.

A man's voice interrupts something icky by John Denver. "Okay, Mr Plant. We'll send a cab over to 621 Peach right away. Thanks for calling Getlost."

He hangs up.


And now, after all that waiting, it's time to wait for the cab!

>e
Front Room

>e
621 Peach

There's a mailbox here.

>z
Time passes.

It occurs to you that maybe that cab you called isn't coming after all. Perhaps you should call the company again.

>w
You hear the tail end of a message on your answering machine.

Front Room

>w
Back Room

You see a table and a combination telephone/answering machine here.

>press button

--- Type any character for next msg ---
The machine says: "Hi, it's Sarah. Trent and I are getting married, and you're invited if you promise to stay sober. And none of that terrible stuff with reptiles, either. And Mother says 'Please do not bring the skunk.'"

--- Type any character for next msg ---
You hear click followed by a dialling tone.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

What Jeff R. Plant has been up to, I do not want to know. Actually, I do. Anyway, we'd better call the cab company again.

>call 943-0691
After a few rings a man answers. "Getlost Airport Cab. Last name of passenger please."

>>Plant
"Gee, buddy, your cab should be on its way. You better go outside and wait for it." He hangs up.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

But...the game said...oh, well. Time to play the waiting game...again.

>e
Front Room

>e
621 Peach

There's a mailbox here.

>z
Time passes.

You hear a hatefully familiar whine close at hand. "There you are!" he whines. "I've got something I know you'll want. A universal accessory! Only 76 bucks!"

>z
Time passes.

You're beginning to feel normal again.

It occurs to you that maybe that cab you called isn't coming after all. Perhaps you should call the company again.

>keep waiting because I didn't realize that maybe I did have to call the company a third time
Time passes, and the nerd tries to sell you more worthless crap.

>w
You hear the tail end of a message on your answering machine.

"Hey! Wait!" cries the nerd. "Can I go out with your sister?"

Front Room

>w
Back Room

You see a table and a combination telephone/answering machine here.

>call 943-0691
After a few rings a man answers. "Getlost Airport Cab. Last name of passenger please."

>>Plant
"Gee, buddy, your cab should be on its way. You better go outside and wait for it." He hangs up.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

>e
Front Room

>e
621 Peach

There's a mailbox here.

>z
Time passes.

You see a Getlost cab wandering up and down the street looking at all the house numbers.

>z
Time passes.

You're beginning to feel normal again.

The cab pulls up in front of you.

>z
Time passes.

The cab is waiting in front of you.

>open door
It's already open.

The cab is waiting in front of you.

>enter cab
The driver says, "Are you the one who called for a cab?"

>>yes
"Let's see some ID then."

>show beezer to driver
The cab door pops open and you climb in. The cab driver says, "You going to the airport, buddy?"

>>yes
"Good. I like the airport," says the cab driver, and sets off. He drives through the town and takes the main highway out to the airport, humming "Leaving on a Jet Plane" by Peter, Paul and Mary happily to himself.

In The Cab

You're in the back seat of a Getlost cab.

And with this, the neighborhood arc of this game comes to an end! Jeff R. Plant now heads to the airport...but you'll have to wait until the next update to find out what happens there.

Inventory:
$75.00
An envelope
A memo
A Swiss army knife
A coupon booklet
A damaged portrait of Mikhail S. Gorbachev
An airline ticket (the flight leaves at 4:00)
A flyer
A Popular Paranoia magazine (included in the feelies)
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
A recipe cartridge (containing a foul-looking stew recipe)
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
An address book
A hacksaw
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 120/80, in 382 moves. Your status is Stable. Your score is 8 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

Death toll: 2 (shot between the eyes by an old woman with an elephant gun, killed by a heavily-armed paranoiac)

When we left off, our hero Jeff R. Plant had just boarded a cab to the airport in hopes of catching his flight to Paris for a training seminar/vacation, and this is where we rejoin him.

In The Cab

You're in the back seat of a Getlost cab.

>z
Time passes.

The cab driver drives on. He shows you pictures of his kids and mentions that they like the airport a lot also. He says that he has a lot of regular customers who regularly go to the airport. "I had John Travolta in the cab once," he says. "Wanted to go to some club, wouldn't go to the airport. And where is he now? See that movie "Perfect"? Terrible. Should have gone to the airport." And so on.

>z
Time passes.

You arrive at the airport. The cab driver says, "That'll be $17.50, buddy."

>give money to driver
You must specify an amount of money.

Oh, that's right.

Actually, I didn't remember that. I assumed that the game would just automatically make change at those points. But then, this is Bureaucracy.

>give $17.50 to driver
With a bitter sneer the cab driver spins his wheels in a puddle and drives off, drenching you with dirty water.

You arrive at the airport.

You see a Deep Thought Corporation computer repairman in beige overalls peering blankly at one of the computerised signs which is changing from Kirin Airlines to KiwiAir, whereupon he disappears into the crowd.

Airport Entrance

You're at an entrance marked:
Air Laphroig
KiwiAir
Omnia Gallia
Air Zalagasa
Northwest Accident
Massive
Other entrances stretch off to the east and west.

So, which of those airlines are we taking?

>examine ticket
It's a round-trip ticket to Paris on Omnia Gallia flight 105, departing Chicago Airport at four o'clock this afternoon.

You hear "Afternoon Delight," with the lyrics mercifully mixed out being played very soothingly.

Omnia Gallia. So, let's go!

>n
Airport Concourse

You're in the main concourse. To the north, there's a ticket desk for Omnia Gallia; overhead are signs pointing to various airlines:
west: BoingJets
west: Air Worst
west: Flying Boxcar
west: Air Zalagasa
east: Low Ceiling
The concourse continues to the east and west; there's an exit to the south.

"Your attention, please. Would the Deep Thought Corporation repair crew please pick up the white courtesy phone."

Amid the mob, you find that your address book has slipped out of your grasp.


And there it is!

If you're wondering, there's no way to avoid losing your address book. It's actually important to the later storyline that you lose it...but anything else would be a spoiler.

>n
As you approach the desk, you notice a sign, which a departing Deep Thought Corporation repairman in beige overalls has just finished fiddling with.

Omnia Gallia airlines has been sold; we no longer fly out of this airport. For further information, contact the Air Zalagasa desk.

Omnia Gallia Desk

You're standing in front of the deserted Omnia Gallia desk.

You hear "You Are So Beautiful," murdered by Lionel Richie being played very soothingly.

Son of a...guess we've got to find Air Zalagasa. At least we've got all those signs to go by.

>s
Airport Concourse

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

Air Zalagasa was to the west, so...

>w
Airport Concourse

You're in the main concourse. To the north, there's a ticket desk for Air America; overhead are signs pointing to various airlines:
west: BoingJets
west: Agony Airlines
west: Air Zalagasa
east: Northwest Accident
east: Low Ceiling
The concourse continues to the east and west; there's an exit to the south.

Guess we have to keep going.

>w
Airport Concourse

You're in the main concourse. To the north, there's a ticket desk for Air Worst; overhead are signs pointing to various airlines:
west: Nocturnal Aviation
east: Air Moosehead
west: Air Zalagasa
east: Northwest Accident
east: Low Ceiling
The concourse continues to the east and west; there's an exit to the south.

You hear a hatefully familiar whine close at hand. "There you are!" he whines. "I've got something I know you'll want. A set of rare hackers' log-file disks! Only 58 bucks!"

"Your attention, please. Would whoever has lost something which we don't know what it is please pick up the white courtesy phone."

>w
"Hey! Wait!" cries the nerd. "Can I go out with your sister?"

Airport Concourse

You're in the main concourse. To the north, there's a ticket desk for Air Worst; overhead are signs pointing to various airlines:
west: BoingJets
west: Air Zalagasa
west: Agony Airlines
west: Flying Boxcar
west: Air Laphroig
The concourse continues to the east and west; there's an exit to the south.

You hear "Boogie Oogie Oogie," with a disco beat being played very soothingly.


Wasn't I just here? Hmm...maybe the signs are...lying! That would explain why that Deep Thought guy was here...So maybe...if I go east...

>e
Airport Concourse

You hear "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction," crooned by Barry Manilow being played very soothingly.

>e
Airport Concourse

You're beginning to feel normal again.

>e
Airport Concourse

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

You hear "I Write the Songs," crooned by Mick Jagger being played very soothingly.

Huh? Did my blood pressure just go up for no reason?

>verbose
[Maximum verbosity.]

Airport Concourse

You're in the main concourse. To the north, there's a ticket desk for Omnia Gallia; overhead are signs pointing to various airlines:
west: Air Zalagasa
west: Nocturnal Aviation
west: Agony Airlines
west: Air Moosehead
east: Air America
The concourse continues to the east and west; there's an exit to the south.

Apparently your blood pressure goes up every time you reach the Omnia Gallia desk...but why? I honestly have no idea. I can understand the first time, since it was probably caused by finding out that you'd have to go to another ticket desk, but I'm guessing that this is a bug.

Anyway, let's continue to the east

>e
Airport Concourse

You're in the main concourse. To the north, there's a ticket desk for NewZork Air; overhead are signs pointing to various airlines:
west: Nocturnal Aviation
west: Air Worst
west: Flying Boxcar
west: Air Laphroig
west: Air Zalagasa
The concourse continues to the east and west; there's an exit to the south.

>e
Airport Concourse

You're in the main concourse. To the north, there's a ticket desk for Agony Airlines; overhead are signs pointing to various airlines:
west: Air Zalagasa
west: Nocturnal Aviation
east: Flying Boxcar
east: Northwest Accident
east: Air America
The concourse continues to the east and west; there's an exit to the south.

The ghastly nerd reappears at your side, peering myopically through his filthy Coke-bottle spectacles. "There you are!" he whines. "I've got something I know you'll want. A decision-support system for executives! Only 58 bucks!"

>e
"Hey! Wait!" cries the nerd. "Can I go out with your sister?"

Airport Concourse

You're in the main concourse. To the north, there's a ticket desk for Air Moosehead; overhead are signs pointing to various airlines:
west: Air Zalagasa
west: Nocturnal Aviation
west: Agony Airlines
east: Air Laphroig
east: Low Ceiling
The concourse continues to the east and west; there's an exit to the south.

You hear "Leader of the Pack," performed on common household appliances being played very soothingly.

>e
Airport Concourse

You're in the main concourse. To the north, there's a ticket desk for Omnia Gallia; overhead are signs pointing to various airlines:
west: Nocturnal Aviation
west: Air Worst
west: Air Moosehead
west: Air Zalagasa
east: Air America
The concourse continues to the east and west; there's an exit to the south.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

"Your attention, please. Would whoever dropped no tea in the main concourse please pick up the white courtesy phone."

Wha...? I thought that that was how to find Air Zalagasa? Well, I have a theory, but you'll have to wait 'till next time to see it.

By the way, the line about "no tea" is a reference to the Hitchhiker's Guide text game, as is (possibly) the line about losing "something which we don't know what it is".

Puzzles:
Finding the Air Zalagasa ticket desk.

Inventory:
$57.50
An envelope
A memo
A Swiss army knife
A coupon booklet
A damaged portrait of Mikhail S. Gorbachev
An airline ticket (the flight leaves at 4:00)
A flyer
A Popular Paranoia magazine (included in the feelies)
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
A recipe cartridge (containing a foul-looking stew recipe)
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
An address book
A hacksaw
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 126/83, in 402 moves. Your status is Annoyed. Your score is 8 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

Death toll: 2 (shot between the eyes by an old woman with an elephant gun, killed by a heavily-armed paranoiac)

Air Zalagasa is always to the west. Can you go outside and walk west to another terminal?

You entered the airport by an entrance whose list of nearby airlines did not include Zalaga West. Perhaps you should exit and find a better entrance.

You've got it...only it's the other way around. You actually HAVE to enter by an entrance where the list doesn't include Air Zalagasa. Why? It's Bureaucracy.

So...

>s
You see a Deep Thought Corporation computer repairman in beige overalls peering blankly at one of the computerised signs which is changing from Air Laphroig to Kirin Airlines, whereupon he disappears into the crowd.

Airport Entrance

You're at an entrance marked:
Kirin Airlines
Air Laphroig
KiwiAir
Omnia Gallia
Air Zalagasa
Northwest Accident
Massive
Other entrances stretch off to the east and west.

"Omnia Gallia paging passenger Jeff Plant; please pick up the white courtesy phone."

>w
You see a Deep Thought Corporation computer repairman in beige overalls peering blankly at one of the computerised signs which is changing from Air Moosehead to Aerotica, whereupon he disappears into the crowd.

Airport Entrance

You're at an entrance marked:
Air Moosehead
Foster Airways
Aerotica
Air Zalagasa
Flying Boxcar
Untied
Other entrances stretch off to the east and west.

You hear Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass doing a Sex Pistols medley being played very soothingly.

>w
You see a Deep Thought Corporation computer repairman in beige overalls peering blankly at one of the computerised signs which is changing from Air Worst to Continental Breakfast, whereupon he disappears into the crowd.

Airport Entrance

You're at an entrance marked:
Air Worst
Worsted Airlines
Continental Breakfast
Air Zalagasa
Agony Airlines
Frontline Airlines
Other entrances stretch off to the east and west.

You hear "Afternoon Delight," with 101 strings being played very soothingly.

>
[What?]

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

>w
You see a Deep Thought Corporation computer repairman in beige overalls peering blankly at one of the computerised signs which is changing from BoingJets to General Aviation, whereupon he disappears into the crowd.

Airport Entrance

You're at an entrance marked:
General Aviation
Nocturnal Aviation
Trans-Galaxy Airlines
Other entrances stretch off to the east and west.

Air Zalagasa isn't listed here...so maybe...

>n
Airport Concourse

You're in the main concourse. To the north, there's a ticket desk for Air Zalagasa; overhead are signs pointing to various airlines:
east: Air Worst
east: Air Moosehead
east: Northwest Accident
east: Omnia Gallia
east: Low Ceiling
The concourse continues to the east and west; there's an exit to the south.


And here it is! Finally!

>n
Air Zalagasa Desk

You're standing in line at the Air Zalagasa desk, just north of the concourse. A number of people are waiting in front of you in an annoying manner.

A clerk is standing behind the desk, talking to the first person in line.

"Your attention, please. Would anyone interested in seeing some gladiator movies please pick up the white courtesy phone."

And now, to wait in line. Good realism, here.

>z
Time passes.

"Your attention, please. Would anyone who knows where the white courtesy phone is located please pick up the white courtesy phone."

There's now only one person, a very fat man, standing in front of you. He explains to the clerk that he wishes to exchange the ticket he has for one to Mombasa the month after, only instead of it being a direct return he wants to come back via Nice instead and spend a week there or maybe longer because he's meeting his wife who'll be flying in from Rome, Italy, and can he use part of his accumulated Frequent Flyer mileage to offset the price of her connexion between Hong Kong and Rome? She'll be in Hong Kong before going to Rome, he adds, by way of explanation.

The fat man seems to be tapping his feet to the indistinguishable beat of "My Way," backed by a bassoon-and-triangle duet.

A voice on the public address system says, "Air Zalagasa announce the imminent departure of flight 42 to Paris, with service to Zalagasa. Would all remaining passengers please check in immediately at the Air Zalagasa desk. Thank you."

I really hope I can get my ticket exchanged soon...I think that's my flight.

>z
Time passes.

The fat man in front of you explains that his wife already has a ticket with Cathay Pacific from Hong Kong to Rome, and wonders if it is possible to change that to Air Zalagasa and use some of his mileage credits. The clerk explains that Air Zalagasa do not fly that route, and that mileage credits aren't transferable to other passengers anyway. The man says that he'd heard that on some airlines it was and the clerk says not as far as he knows, the man says that's a pity, the clerk agrees, and starts to look up next month's flights to Mombasa.

"Air Zalagasa announce the momentary departure of flight 42 to Paris. All passengers should be on board at this time."

Maybe if I explain that it's an emergency?

>give ticket to clerk
The Air Zalagasa clerk gives you an icy smile. "I'll be pleased to help you in just a moment, sir. Please let me finish helping the nice people in line before you."

The fat man in front of you turns to you and smiles. "Takes forever, doesn't it? I thought you could transfer these Frequent Flyer things. Should be able to for your wife. Isn't the music great?" He turns back to the clerk without listening for your answer.

Darn...

>z
Time passes.

The Air Zalagasa clerk explains to the fat man in front of you that flights to Mombasa go via Paris which means changing airports, and that on his fare schedule he wouldn't be allowed a stopover in Nice.

"Air Zalagasa announce the departure of flight 42 to Paris. This flight is now closed. Have a nice day."

The fat man in front of you says he won't bother, then, he'll just go to Nice next month as he originally planned. The clerk hopes that he has a nice day, the man walks away, and the clerk turns to you. "Welcome to Air Zalagasa, sir," smiles the clerk vacantly. "May I help you?"


Well, not anymore...but maybe I can get another flight?

>give ticket to clerk
"Ah, Omnia Gallia. I think you'll find our food much better. You have two choices: either you can get a ticket direct to Paris through Zalagasa, at the same price, or for an additional $200, in cash, you can get a nonstop to Paris. Which will it be?"

Well, since I don't have $200, and the point of this game is inconvenience...

>>direct
"Very good, sir. Here's your new ticket, on our Flight 42. Have a nice day!" burbles the Air Zalagasa clerk, turning his attention to the person behind you in line.

[Your score just went up.]


Flight 42...of course. It would be the one I missed. I know how to catch the plane, but do you?

Puzzles:
Getting onto Flight 42, to Paris via Zalagasa.

Inventory:
An airline ticket (but boarding has stopped, and I think the game may have become unwinnable)
$57.50
An envelope
A memo
A Swiss army knife
A coupon booklet
A damaged portrait of Mikhail S. Gorbachev
A flyer
A Popular Paranoia magazine (included in the feelies)
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
A recipe cartridge (containing a foul-looking stew recipe)
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
A hacksaw
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 126/83, in 416 moves. Your status is Stab;e. Your score is 9 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

Death toll: 2 (shot between the eyes by an old woman with an elephant gun, killed by a heavily-armed paranoiac)

Go in via the correct entrance first time around, rather than doing all that messing around beforehand.

If "use item X" and "do nothing" are two standard text adventure game solutions, "do the same thing but faster" must be another.

Actually, it's not...I wouldn't have known to go to Air Zalagasa if I had gone in the correct entrance the first time, and Murphy's Law applies here, anyway. I will give you a hint that the correct solution involves part of the scenery in Airport Entrance, and if no one has posted the correct solution by tomorrow, I'll post it then.

The player character may not know, but now you know that going to the "correct" desk is going to waste your time. So just avoid the stupidity, reload your save at the start of the airport, and find the Air Zalagasa desk immediately; obviously you know how to now. Unless the airline that buys out Omnia Gallia is randomly determined at the moment you're told who bought it out, that should work.

On the off chance that the flight is destined to leave without you (ie. they scripted it so you have to "miss" the flight), I'm not sure what you can do. Perhaps if you gave us the verbose description of the Airport Entrance, we'd be able to figure it out. The one you gave us just tells us which airlines are (not) located in which paths.

OK, it turns out that when I said "Airport Entrance," I mean "Airport Concourse." So, here's the description.

>s
Airport Concourse

You're in the main concourse. To the north, there's a ticket desk for Air Zalagasa; overhead are signs pointing to various airlines:
east: Air Worst
east: Air Moosehead
east: Northwest Accident
east: Omnia Gallia
east: Low Ceiling
The concourse continues to the east and west; there's an exit to the south.

You notice a pillar here, with a single Gush-O-Slush(R) Spam-For-The-Ears(TM) speaker producing sound at a particularly high volume. In the ceiling above the pillar, there's a grate covering a duct of some sort.

You hear the theme song to "Mister Ed," hummed backwards by Billy Graham being played very loudly and soothingly.


Can you figure out what to do given this description?

Ah, that helps. Nothing posted before indicated that there was a grate. It sounds like it's time for Jeff Plant to do his best Solid Snake impersonation and take to the air ducts.

It's obvious: you need to find and pick up the white courtesy phone.

And then ask them to give you Hamm on 5, hold the Mayo.