Unfortunately, there's a radio connected to my brain. Let's play Bureaucracy!

The bank, please.

The bank it is! Maybe we can get our change-of-address problem resolved there.

>n
You discover the bank is closed for 9 minutes.

This is a random event. The bank is closed randomly, and for random amounts of time. Not only that, but when you're inside, you're only given a fixed amount of time before it closes again and you're booted out.

And so, after waiting...

>n
As you enter, you hear an announcement say, "WARNING: The bank will close in 26 minutes."

Bank


Meaning that you only have about 26 moves to finish your business there.

>n
Teller #5

This window has a sign above it that says:
THIS WINDOW FOR WITHDRAWALS ONLY.

The teller at the window says, "Do you wish to make a withdrawal?"

Since we're here to get a change-of-address form...


>>no
The bank teller instructs you to go to window 6.

>e
Teller #6

A sign on the window says NEXT WINDOW PLEASE.

How typical.

>e
Teller #7

A sign on the window says NEXT WINDOW PLEASE.

>e
Teller #8

This window has a sign above it that says:
THIS WINDOW FOR DEPOSITS ONLY.

The teller at the window says, "Do you wish to make a deposit?"


No, drat it! Where do we go to get a change-of-address form!?

>>no
The bank teller instructs you to go to window 10.

>e
Teller #9

A sign on the window says NEXT WINDOW PLEASE.

>e
Teller #10

A sign on the window says NEXT WINDOW PLEASE.

Of course...
So, after I get to Teller Numero Cuattro...

Teller #4

This window has a sign above it that says:
THIS WINDOW FOR ADDRESS CHANGES ONLY.

The teller at the window says, "Do you wish to file a change of address?"

>>yes
"Our records show that we already sent you a change-of-address form. We cannot allow more than one form to be outstanding for any one customer at any one time. I am only doing my job," she says.


Well, that was a bust. There are still a few places left to check, though, specifically:
*A bookstore.
*A mansion.
*A fortified house.

Inventory:
An airline ticket (the flight leaves at 4:00)
A flyer
A Popular Paranoia magazine (included in the feelies)
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A letter (included in the feelies)
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
An address book
A hacksaw
An adventure game cartridge (can't actually be played due to an internal error)
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 120/80, in 163 moves. Your status is Stable. Your score is 4 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

Bookstore, for a little light reading.

Steal the other form so you don't have any outstanding, then resubmit it, then chain yourself to the desk and refuse to leave until this is all sorted out.

...but you don't have a chain yet. Darn, I guess you should go to the fortified mansion. There should be a chain there, maybe even a padlock you can use.

I wonder how many more times we'll hear that phrase before this is all over...

Some problems with this:
1. This one can really only be explained by a quote from earlier in this LP:
So we can't get the old one, since it's back in good old Rhinoceros, NJ.

2. There is no "fortified mansion." There's a fortified house and a mansion, though.

Anyway, on to the bookstore!

>s
Bank

>s
619 Peach

>s
620 Peach

>w
You step into the bookstore.

Bookshop

This is a not-very-nice bookstore which sells "packages" and "products" rather than books. Shelves groan with best sellers and bargain remainders. The exit is to the east.

A sales clerk is standing by a computerised cash register. The wall behind him offers a selection of computer software.

The clerk nods a greeting, and looks you up and down.

Might as well check out the merchandise.

>examine books
Which books do you mean, the remainders or the best sellers?

>remainders
Prominent among the remainders is So Long, And Thanks for All the Fish ("a zany new romp by the author of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy").

The clerk is eyeing you carefully.

>examine best sellers
Prominent among the best sellers is Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency ("a zany new romp by the author of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy").

Gratuitous plugs, ho!

>examine software
Not much of a selection, really. A couple of last year's Boysenberry hits; you've seen them all before.

The clerk notes your interest with a dopey grin. "Great selection, huh? All the latest hits," he remarks.

Maybe we could ask him about some of his software?

>ask clerk about software
The clerk glances furtively around the shop, then gives you a sly look. "You look like a fellow hacker," he half-whispers. "Bet you'd be interested in some, shall we say, special carts I keep on the side. Wanna see 'em?"

Do I ever!

>>yes
The clerk pulls a software cartridge out from under the counter.

"It's not against the law to look at it, you know," says the clerk, holding up the cart for you to see.

>examine cartridge
This cart doesn't look at all like the authorised Boysenberry carts you've bought before. Its plastic case is poorly molded, and lacks the familiar logo of a partially digested purple berry.

From the single word printed on the cheap white label, you deduce that this is a recipe program. That is because the word on the label is "RECIPE".

"Take a look at this!" he chortles, holding it up for you to see.

...Why would a recipe cartridge be so shady? Well, if he's offering it...

>take recipe
[the recipe cartridge]

The clerk draws away from you. "Not so fast!" he snaps.

"Pre-release copy. Custom chips, probably one of a kind." He tosses the cart from hand to hand. "I'm not into cooking, though. Eat out all the time. Wouldn't mind trading this for something."

But what? I leave that to the voices in my head to decide.

Places remaining to explore:
*A mansion.
*A fortified house.

Puzzles:
*A bookstore clerk offering a bootleg recipe cartridge in exchange for something. But what?

Inventory:
An airline ticket (the flight leaves at 4:00)
A flyer
A Popular Paranoia magazine (included in the feelies)
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A letter (included in the feelies)
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
An address book
A hacksaw
An adventure game cartridge (can't actually be played due to an internal error)
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 120/80, in 174 moves. Your status is Stable. Your score is 4 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

Do we need the Popular Paranoia magazine for anything? Maybe he'll want that. Or maybe you can find something in the mansion...

Trade the adventure game cartridge. It's unlikely the game is self-referential enough for the adventure game to ever function correctly.

Trade the llama treats. Every man occasionally enjoys llama treats in a moment of weakness.

Really, is this what is stopping you?
Buy it! It is the best book you never read, unless you have, then it is just the best book.

Trade him the plane ticket, then once he is out of the country you can come back and search the place for other ill-gotten goods.

Well, we can't buy the book, since we don't have any money, hence our whole "stealing mail" thing - we're attempting to find out what address our mail was sent to. But we can try giving various things to the clerk, which we will do now. We can't give him the llama treats, since we already gave them to the llama, but we can give him the Popular Paranoia magazine.

>give magazine to clerk
The clerk refuses your offer.

The clerk fawns over the recipe cartridge. "Been looking for a good game," he remarks, eyeing your adventure game cartridge.]

REAL subtle there, Bureaucracy.
But anyway...

>give game to clerk
The clerk takes the adventure game cartridge from you. "I knew you were into that stuff," he chortles. He tosses you the recipe cartridge. "Here, have fun."

[Your score just went up.]

Let's try the recipe cart out!

>put recipe in boysenberry
The recipe cartridge slips into your Boysenberry computer with a thrilling little click...

BCDOS 1.0
All diagnostics completed
Press any key to boot...

Midnight Recipe Projekt(sic)
RAGOUT "REINE DE L'AFRIQUE"
Take one medium llama, peeled, 8
pecks garlic, 15 bushels STALE celery,
2 pounds shallots, 10 bushels carrots,
onions, turnips, snails, worms, lard,
helium, nematodes, gristle, and earth
to taste. Boil llama till bored, add
other stuff and stir until congealed.
Decorate with greenish milk curds.
Serves one small aeroplane.

Your screen goes blank.

The clerk watches every move you make.

With a recipe that disgusting, no wonder this cart is illegal. Anyway, should we visit the mansion or the fortified house next?

Inventory:
An airline ticket (the flight leaves at 4:00)
A flyer
A Popular Paranoia magazine (included in the feelies)
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A letter (included in the feelies)
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
A recipe cartridge (containing a foul-looking stew recipe)
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
An address book
A hacksaw
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 120/80, in 180 moves. Your status is Stable. Your score is 5 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

Now we must go back near the llama and see if the game has a response to
>PEEL LLAMA

(It's as good as SCRAPE PARROT!)

That llama does look like she would make some good horrible stew, so...

>e
"Have a nice day," calls the clerk as you leave.

620 Peach

>s
621 Peach

There's a mailbox here.

>s
622 Peach

>s
623 Peach

A llama is chomping happily on her treats in a pen at the side of the road. A mailbox is attached to the front of the pen.

There's a notice here.

The snivelling, ratty and ineffectual nerd stumbles into view again. "There you are!" he whines. "I've got something I know you'll want. A digital tooth meter! Only 76 bucks!"

We've already seen the description of the tooth meter, so...

>peel llama
[This story isn't allowed to recognise the word "peel."]

[Your blood pressure just went up.]


Maybe it's for the best, though. After all, I can't imagine any reason that anyone would want or need that stew. We still can't get into the farmhouse, and no one has voted on which building to check out next, so I'll hold over voting for another day. Once again, the buildings are a mansion and a heavily-fortified house. See you lately!

The mansion.

The mansion it is!

>e
The front door is closed.

>open door
The front door seems to be locked.

You're beginning to feel normal again.

Maybe we should take a better look?

>l
622 Peach

You're standing west of a mansion; its rather ornate door is closed. The road continues north and south.

You can hear "You Are So Beautiful," murdered by Lionel Richie playing in the mansion.


If the door is so "ornate," maybe we should examine it?

>examine door
It's a fairly dull door with a fairly interesting doorbell.

Well, if it's an interesting doorbell...

>examine doorbell
You see nothing interesting about the doorbell.

But...they said it was a fairly interesting doorbell! Well, maybe if I ring it, it will be more interesting?

>ring doorbell
When you push the doorbell you hear an earsplitting clatter of bells, buzzers and gongs that shakes the mansion to its foundation.

Nothing happens for a moment. Then an old woman's voice, deep within the mansion, cries "Coming, Cecil!"

You hear footsteps behind the front door.

I wonder who Cecil is? Maybe if I wait, I'll find out?

>z
Time passes.

You hear somebody unlocking the front door.

>z
Time passes.

The front door creaks open, and an old matron appears at the threshold.

>z
Time passes.

The matron pauses at the threshold and looks around suspiciously.

>z
Time passes.

The radio in the mansion begins to play "My Way," backed by an angelic chorus.

The matron steps back into the mansion and swings the front door shut.

Well, that didn't accomplish much. But there was a back way in, come to think of it...

>n
621 Peach

There's a mailbox here.

>e
Alley

>s
You squeeze yourself through the gap.

Behind Mansion

You're in the back garden of a mansion. You can enter the house through a door to the west, and there's a gap in the fence to the north.

A recording of "I Write the Songs," with a disco beat is playing in the mansion.


And now, to go in the back way!

>open door
You open the screen door.

>w
Porch

Welcome to the porch. It is a porch. Doors from this porch lead south and east. The overall effect is rather porchy.

A recording of "Leader of the Pack," performed by 101 guitars is playing in the mansion.

A macaw with a missing right wing is watching you from a perch in the corner. Under the perch you see some mail.

And here's the mail! Hopefully my check is in this lot...

>get mail
As you reach towards the mail, the macaw yells obscenely and drives you back.

The macaw roars defiance at you. "Death to the running dogs of imperialism!"

Well, maybe there's something inside I can use?

>s
Trophy Room

This is the trophy room. You'd expect to see defunct lions, or at least school debating awards, but don't. The reason why is a technical secret. Exits lead north and west.

You can hear "Boogie Oogie Oogie," performed on common household appliances playing in the mansion.

A dowdy matron is sitting beside the radio. Her ear trumpet is pressed directly against the radio's speaker. She has an elephant gun on her lap.

A painting of Ronald W. Reagan is hanging on the wall.

As you walk into the room the matron peers balefully in your direction and raises the elephant gun. "Robbers!"

Aha! That macaw doesn't have a right wing, so it probably wouldn't be a fan of Ronnie. So...

>take painting
You take the painting of Ronald W. Reagan.

You assume one of three things must be true: the matron is too old to actually shoot you with the elephant gun, you are fast enough to get out of her way in time or this is all a bad dream. However, the bullet you receive right between the eyes convinces you that you were unfortunately wrong on all three counts.

Death

You are dead.

[Your blood pressure is 0/0, in 204 moves. Your status is Defunct. Your score is 5 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.]

And so, this update ends with the first death so far. How to get the painting without being shot by the old matron? I'll leave that to you.

Puzzles:
*A painting of Ronald Reagan guarded by an old woman with an elephant gun.
*A macaw with no right wing guarding the mail at the mansion.

Inventory:
An airline ticket (the flight leaves at 4:00)
A flyer
A Popular Paranoia magazine (included in the feelies)
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A letter (included in the feelies)
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
A recipe cartridge (containing a foul-looking stew recipe)
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
An address book
A hacksaw
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Death toll: 1 (shot between the eyes by an old woman with an elephant gun)

Well, that certainly lowered that troublesome blood pressure!

What happens if we...
try to enter the front door when the dowdy matron opens it for Cecil?
run through her room to the west before she can shoot us?

Clearly, if it took 4 actions for the matron to get to the front door, and 4 actions to get inside the rear door, the trick must be to push the buzzer, run to the back, and take it while she's trundling back in.

This.

Also, right wing puns? Terrible. Just terrible.

Umbaglo has the correct solution, but let's see what happens if we try some of the other suggestions. After going back to the trophy room...

>w
Come off it. Just look at that elephant gun. (By the way, what would an elephant be doing with a gun?)

Good joke, there. But let's get out of here ASAP.

>n
Porch

A macaw with a missing left wing is watching you from a perch in the corner. Under the perch you see some mail.

>e
Behind Mansion

>n
You squeeze through the gap.

Alley

>w
621 Peach

There's a mailbox here.

>s
622 Peach

And now let's see if we can distract that matron long enough for us to steal that portrait.

>n
621 Peach

There's a mailbox here.

>e
Alley

>s
You squeeze yourself through the gap.

Behind Mansion

>w
Porch

A macaw with a missing left wing is watching you from a perch in the corner. Under the perch you see some mail.

>s
Trophy Room

A dowdy matron is standing in the open doorway, holding an ear trumpet and an elephant gun. Luckily, she's facing away from you at the moment.

A painting of Mikhail S. Gorbachev is hanging on the wall.

The matron is beginning to lock the front door.

And...now!

>get painting
Taken.

You hear the final clicks of the front door being locked.

>n
Porch

A macaw with a missing left wing is watching you from a perch in the corner. Under the perch you see some mail.

You hear someone humming to the music in the adjacent room.

If that darn bird is so "right-wing," it probably won't like seeing a picture of Gorby.

It's randomly determined which wing the macaw is missing the first time you enter the Porch, which is why it's missing its left wing now.

>show painting to macaw
The macaw is clearly deeply moved by the sight of the painting of Mikhail S. Gorbachev, and starts shrieking a vigorous and relentless R&B number about the joys of political extremism. At the same time it launches into an energetic roach-stomping flamenco dance which miraculously generates enough aerodynamic lift to catapult it (somewhat asymmetrically) into the air, where it rips up Gorbachev's face (which, to be honest, makes little real difference).

Exhausted but happy, it sinks back to its perch, croons repulsively the first verse of a ballad about pecking the eyes out of oppressors of the Russian people, and falls into a satisfied coma.

The radio in the next room begins to play "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction," crooned by Barry Manilow.


And now, we can get the mail.

>get mail
The macaw, apparently exhausted by the ferocity of its attack on the painting, doesn't seem to notice you.

Most of the mail is rather useless, not even worth picking up. You do find a coupon booklet, though.

[Your score just went up.]

The macaw groans defiance at you. "Death to the communist dogs."

Wonder if there's anything good in the booklet?

>examine booklet
It's a coupon booklet ("Worth Over $10.00!") for a supermarket so far away it would cost you $20.00 to get there, addressed to 622 Peach. There's also one of those cute little orange Postal Service stickers, with a D printed on it.

Well, that's typical.

And now, we've found stickers C, E, and D, in that order. It would probably be good to remember this.

And since there's no real option now, let's check out the fortified house.

>e
Behind Mansion

>n
You squeeze through the gap.

Alley

>w
621 Peach

There's a mailbox here.

>s
622 Peach

>s
623 Peach

A llama is chomping happily on her treats in a pen at the side of the road. A mailbox is attached to the front of the pen.

There's a notice here.

>s
624 Peach

A gruff voice crackles to life on the intercom. "Unfortunately, there's a radio connected to my brain."

And we have a titular quote! But what could it mean? Find out next time on Let's Play Bureaucracy!

Inventory:
A coupon booklet
A damaged portrait of Mikhail S. Gorbachev
An airline ticket (the flight leaves at 4:00)
A flyer
A Popular Paranoia magazine (included in the feelies)
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
A recipe cartridge (containing a foul-looking stew recipe)
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
An address book
A hacksaw
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 120/80, in 219 moves. Your status is Stable. Your score is 6 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

Death toll: 1 (shot between the eyes by an old woman with an elephant gun)

By the way, I just realized that I didn't try to rush into the house while the old lady opens it. So let's try now.

>ring bell
When you push the doorbell you hear an earsplitting clatter of bells, buzzers and gongs that shakes the mansion to its foundation.

Nothing happens for a moment. Then an old woman's voice, deep within the mansion, cries "Coming, Cecil!"

You hear footsteps behind the front door.

The radio in the mansion begins to play "I Write the Songs," crooned by Mick Jagger.

>z
Time passes.

You hear somebody unlocking the front door.

>z
Time passes.

The front door creaks open, and an old matron appears at the threshold.

>e
The matron is standing in your way.

Not exactly surprised there. But at least I showed it off.

You should have stole to old lady's radio. Nothing cheers you up after a day of Bureaucracy like a jaunty tune.

Well, I might as well try stealing the radio before seeing if what I think has happened, happened. So...

>get radio
That's impossible.

You assume one of three things must be true: the matron is too old to actually shoot you with the elephant gun, you are fast enough to get out of her way in time or this is all a bad dream. However, the bullet you receive right between the eyes convinces you that you were unfortunately wrong on all three counts.

Not exactly unexpected. Now, for the actual update.

>n
623 Peach

A modest, ochre-and-aubergine striped llama-farm farmhouse stands to the west, its front door wide open. The street continues north and south.

A llama is chomping happily on her treats in a pen at the side of the road. A mailbox is attached to the front of the pen.

There's a notice here.

The llama is still eating the llama treats.

And that's what I thought happened. Emphasis mine. Anyway, now we can enter the farmhouse!

>w
Farmhouse

You're in the ochre-and-aubergine llama-farm farmhouse. The place has obviously been ransacked. The exit is to the east.

Not much here. Let's just leave, and...

>e
A sound at the door makes you hesitate.

A stranger bearing a really rather horrid resemblance to Woody Allen appears in the open doorway. He is carrying a colossal armoury for one so runty, and his general twitchiness doesn't help you feel any more secure. Guns, knives, hatchets and bombs dangle from various straps, belts and D-loops. For some reason, he makes you feel nervous. He peers around the room uncertainly, then turns to stare at you. "Ahem," he says, shuffling his feet expectantly.

It seems like this weirdo is waiting for something. I know what to do, but do you? 'Til next time...

Inventory:
A coupon booklet
A damaged portrait of Mikhail S. Gorbachev
An airline ticket (the flight leaves at 4:00)
A flyer
A Popular Paranoia magazine (included in the feelies)
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
A recipe cartridge (containing a foul-looking stew recipe)
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
An address book
A hacksaw
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 120/80, in 223 moves. Your status is Stable. Your score is 6 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

Death toll: 1 (shot between the eyes by an old woman with an elephant gun)

What do you do when someone bearing more arms than teeth walks up to you? You give them another weapon, of course! Clearly he wants your hacksaw.

This guy looks like he would truly appreciate a copy of Popular Paranoia Magazine.

Seconded.

Well, we've gotten some suggestions for how to deal with this guy, so let's try them.

>give hacksaw to man
It isn't likely that the weirdo would accept your offer.

The weirdo looks as if he is expecting you to say something.
Utterly nonplussed, the weirdo glances at the number on the front door. "Oh, dear," he giggles, blushing. "Wrong address. Never mind."

You watch as he ducks out the front door and closes it behind him.

Well, that didn't work. He seems pretty paranoid, so maybe he'd like an issue of Popular Paranoia?

>give magazine to man
It isn't likely that the weirdo would accept your offer.

The weirdo looks as if he is expecting you to say something.
Utterly nonplussed, the weirdo glances at the number on the front door. "Oh, dear," he giggles, blushing. "Wrong address. Never mind."

You watch as he ducks out the front door and closes it behind him.

So, neither of those suggestions worked. I'll admit that this puzzle doesn't really make sense, so if no one has solved it by tomorrow, I'll post the correct solution. As a hint, though, it's not an object that Heavily Armed Woody Allen wants. 'Til tomorrow!

He really just wants a hug.

Waiting for you to say something? Like 'hello'? 'You're under citizen's arrest'? Okay, I have no idea there.

Once this guy is dealt with, we should try giving or showing the disgusting recipe to somebody at the shady restaurant.

Let's see. We have a paranoid man waiting for you to say something. He probably expects you to say something that makes no sense. Odds are good it's something you've already heard someone say at some point. I'm going to guess that non-sequitur about a radio being connected to someone's brain might be it. Just because this whole thing is so incredibly random as it is, and that does sound like something a regular reader of Popular Paranoia would say.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! Anyway, Sky Render has the correct answer, but I like to show off as many fan suggestions as possible, so...

>hug man
[This story isn't allowed to recognise the word "hug."]

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

And now, for the actual solution.

>say "unfortunately, there's a radio connected to my brain"
The weirdo consults some notes written on his shirt cuff and shows a look of understanding.

Well, that's a good sign. Maybe we should wait?


>z
Time passes.

The weirdo looks you straight in the eye and says, "Actually, it's the BBC controlling us from London."

Hmm, I wonder...maybe we can use this passphrase at the fortified house?

>s
624 Peach

You're beginning to feel normal again.

The voice on the intercom crackles to life again. "Unfortunately, there's a radio connected to my brain."

>say "actually, it's the BBC controlling us from London"
You hear an electric snap as the intercom is switched off.

Nothing happens for a long moment. Then various rumbles and clatters herald the house letting down its defences, one by one. Finally, the gate swings open.

>s
Foyer

You're in the foyer of the camouflaged house. You could try to exit to the north. There is a stairway leading down. The sophisticated communications and security centre that this place obviously possesses must be hidden somewhere else, rather like the camera.

The twitching weirdo is here. He obviously arrived before you.

The completely, utterly paranoid owner of this house is here. He is also twitching nervously, and holding a machine gun. You are surprised that there are so many heavily-armed Woody Allens in this neighbourhood. He looks you up and down suspiciously. You get the distinct impression that touching the mail you see here would be very unwise.

The paranoid householder stares first at you, then at the weirdo, with growing confusion and disbelief. He starts to say something, then stops. He then stops starting to say it and starts. "How come...", he says. Then he stops again. He clearly believes that this whole thing is part of his paranoia, and then, equally clearly, decides that it doesn't matter.

"Right. One of you is an impostor. I'm pretty sure that it's you, Plant, but, to be sure, I'm going to grill... going to ask you a few simple questions. Right."

"Where is the centre of communist insurgency in the United States?"

Ah, copy protection. So we meet again. Fortunately, I have the power of the Internet! Hmm, that would be...

>>Ohio
"Who is THEIR leader?"

>>Queen Mum
"The existence of which one of the fifty states of the union is a fiction invented by the Trilateral Commission for its own nefarious purposes?"

>>Delaware
"What is the breeding ground for most major diseases?"

>>yogurt
"What device is used by the banks to keep track of the whereabouts of American citizens?"

>>automatic teller machines
The paranoid says, "You passed the test. This means that either one of you could be the impostor." He presses a button on the wall, and a trap door opens in the floor. Both you and the stranger fall into a gaol below.

Gaol

You're in a gaol cell in the basement of the paranoid's house. To the north is an exit into the basement. The gaol door is closed. You can see a stairway in the basement leading up.

A wild-eyed, twitching oddity looking a bit like a heavily-armed Woody Allen is standing nearby, holding a small armoury of weapons which he fingers nervously, each in its turn.

Well, that was a bust...but at least we're in the house now. But how to get out of the gaol? I leave that to you. 'Til next time.

Inventory:
A coupon booklet
A damaged portrait of Mikhail S. Gorbachev
An airline ticket (the flight leaves at 4:00)
A flyer
A Popular Paranoia magazine (included in the feelies)
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
A recipe cartridge (containing a foul-looking stew recipe)
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
An address book
A hacksaw
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 120/80, in 230 moves. Your status is Stable. Your score is 6 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

Death toll: 1 (shot between the eyes by an old woman with an elephant gun)

By the way, schep, I tried showing off the recipe to the waiter, and it didn't have any special effect. Sorry-dorry.

Open the door?