Unfortunately, there's a radio connected to my brain. Let's play Bureaucracy!

Well, the InvisiClues state that it's impossible to find the white courtesy phone, so looks like we'll be climbing the pillar!

>s
Airport Concourse

You're in the main concourse. To the north, there's a ticket desk for Air Zalagasa; overhead are signs pointing to various airlines:
east: Air Worst
east: Air Moosehead
east: Northwest Accident
east: Omnia Gallia
east: Low Ceiling
The concourse continues to the east and west; there's an exit to the south.

You notice a pillar here, with a single Gush-O-Slush(R) Spam-For-The-Ears(TM) speaker producing sound at a particularly high volume. In the ceiling above the pillar, there's a grate covering a duct of some sort.

"Your attention, please. Would whoever dropped no tea in the main concourse please pick up the white courtesy phone."

You're beginning to feel normal again.

>u
Dangerous. Very risky. The pillar is quite narrow and smooth, and doesn't offer much in the way of grip. Nevertheless, you manage to climb about halfway up before you take a break.

Pillar

You're halfway up the pillar.

A crowd of curious onlookers are gathering below.

>u
You shin further up the pillar. This is getting very dangerous.

Top Of Pillar

You're at the top of the pillar. A closed grate is visible in the ceiling overhead, and there's a speaker attached to the pillar here.

The crowd below is growing.

You hear the theme song to "Mister Ed," hummed backwards by Billy Graham being played very soothingly.

>u
Duct

You're at the bottom of an air conditioning duct that curves upward to the south. An open grate leads downward.

You hear "Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree," backed by an angelic chorus being played very soothingly.

And maybe if we go up, maybe we can get to the tower and delay the flight somehow?

This is actually clued. If you give the Air Zalagasa ticket back to the clerk, she will say something like "Do you expect me to break into the tower and delay the flight?" Unfortunately, she then gives you back the Omnia Gallia ticket and refuses to trade back for the Air Zalagasa ticket, rendering the game unwinnable.

On a side note, I really wish I had some source for this game. It would be interesting to see a list of all the possible music that can be played by the radio/airport speakers.

>s
You crawl higher into the duct.

Duct

You're in a narrow air conditioning duct that curves upward to the east, and downward to the north.

"Omnia Gallia paging passenger Jeff Plant; please pick up the white courtesy phone."

>e
You crawl higher into the duct.

Duct

You're in a narrow air conditioning duct that curves upward to the north, and downward to the west.

>n
You crawl higher into the duct.

Duct

You're at the top end of a narrow air conditioning duct. Light filters in through a closed grate to the east.

You hear "Delta Dawn," performed on common household appliances being played very soothingly.

>open grate
You open the grate.

>e
You emerge from the duct amidst a cloud of sparks and steam.

Control Tower

You're in the air traffic control tower. There's an open grate to the west.

Several air traffic controllers are hunched over consoles.

Since air traffic controllers spend most of their lives staring thoughtfully into the clouds, they are a superstitious lot and, understandably, they mistake you, briefly, for some species of god. They are also a fairly short-tempered bunch, and with reason. All their working hours are spent looking after pilots and seeing that the poor little lambs are all right and know where they're supposed to be going and don't crash into things, but who gets the dates at the end of the day? Not the air traffic controllers, that's who. Bear this in mind as you strut, godlike, before them. They may think you're a pretty heavy-duty deity right now, but they could come leaping back to their senses at any moment, and a maddened pack of air traffic controllers who realise they've been conned again is not something you would want to be set on by. Ask what you will of them, but be quick about it. And do try to sound like Sir Laurence Olivier if you possibly can.

A console radio crackles to life nearby. "Air Zalagasa flight 42 to Chicago tower. Request permission to take off."

And if they think I'm a god, I bet that they would do what I said!

>controllers, deny flight 42
One of the controllers prostrates himself at your words. "It shall be done, O mighty one!" He turns to the radio console and barks, "Tower to flight 42. Request denied. Return to terminal immediately!"

The radio mutters something impolite. "Acknowledged, tower. We'll taxi her back to the terminal."

[Your score just went up.]

Now, to get out of here before the controllers realize that I'm a mere mortal. Back through the ducts, then...

>d
Top Of Pillar

You're at the top of the pillar. An open grate is visible in the ceiling overhead, and there's a speaker attached to the pillar here.

>d
You cautiously descend the pillar.

Pillar

You're halfway up the pillar.

"Omnia Gallia paging passenger Jeff Plant; please pick up the white courtesy phone."

>d
You slide the last few feet to the floor.

Airport Concourse

You're in the main concourse. To the north, there's a ticket desk for Air Zalagasa; overhead are signs pointing to various airlines:
east: Air Worst
east: Air Moosehead
east: Northwest Accident
east: Omnia Gallia
east: Low Ceiling
The concourse continues to the east and west; there's an exit to the south.

You notice a pillar here, with a single Gush-O-Slush(R) Spam-For-The-Ears(TM) speaker producing sound at a particularly high volume. In the ceiling above the pillar, there's a grate covering a duct of some sort.

Now that the flight has been delayed, I can probably get to the gate. But where is it? The only exits from Airport Concourse lead to other airline desks, but maybe...

>go to gate
Aha! As we suspected, you haven't taken your airport navigation course yet. Try again when you have.

"Omnia Gallia paging passenger Jeff Plant; please pick up the white courtesy phone."

And no, there's no way to take an airport navigation course. But there is a way to get to the gate. Can you figure it out?

Puzzles:
Getting to the gate for my flight.

Inventory:
An airline ticket
$57.50
An envelope
A memo
A Swiss army knife
A coupon booklet
A damaged portrait of Mikhail S. Gorbachev
A flyer
A Popular Paranoia magazine (included in the feelies)
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
A recipe cartridge (containing a foul-looking stew recipe)
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
A hacksaw
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 120/80, in 435 moves. Your status is Stable. Your score is 10 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

Death toll: 2 (shot between the eyes by an old woman with an elephant gun, killed by a heavily-armed paranoiac)

Ooh, I remember this. I believe we've seen part of the solution in this last update, though I'll keep quiet about what for now.

Since no one has figured out how to get to the gate yet, I'll leave it up one more day or until someone figures it out, then show the correct solution myself if no one else has posted it.

Since giving the ticket to the attendant AFTER the plane leaves causes a comment regarding their inability to reverse time and an unwinnible state, how about presenting it after the plane returned to the terminal?

Returning the ticket always results in a no-win situation, regardless of when it's done. So, as promised, the correct solution. Unlike the previous one, there are no real clues to this whatsoever...at least, on the surface. Here we go!

>u
Dangerous. Very risky. The pillar is quite narrow and smooth, and doesn't offer much in the way of grip. Nevertheless, you manage to climb about halfway up before you take a break.

Pillar

You're halfway up the pillar.

>u
You shin further up the pillar. This is getting very dangerous.

Top Of Pillar

You're at the top of the pillar. An open grate is visible in the ceiling overhead, and there's a speaker attached to the pillar here.

"Your attention, please. Would the owner of a Baader-Meinhof shoulder-bag which has just exploded outside the terminal please pick up the white courtesy phone."

Yes, we have to turn off that awful background music. To be fair, this one is sort of clued, since the first time you climbed the pillar, it mentioned a crowd gathering, although it didn't mention that they were hoping you would do something about the music. Still, though, it's better than nothing, I guess.

>examine speaker
It's a perfectly ordinary Gush-O-Slush(R) Spam-For-The-Ears(TM) speaker, playing "Leader of the Pack," performed on common household appliances very loudly and soothingly at you.

Peering behind the speaker, you notice a red wire and a black wire connected to the back.

Now, this is the part that has no clues whatsoever. But, to sabotage the speaker, you have to do this.

>pull red wire
You grasp the red wire and, with a firm yank, pull it out of the Gush-O-Slush(R) Spam-For-The-Ears(TM) speaker.

Pop! The speaker emits an electric squawk and stops playing "Leader of the Pack," performed by a world-famous kazoo soloist very soothingly.

You hear a patter of applause from the crowd below. Alas, music can still be heard from the many other speakers in the terminal.

You hear "Torn Between Two Lovers," with the lyrics mercifully mixed out being played very soothingly.

We're getting close...just have to shut down the other speakers, now.

>connect red wire to black wire
With an electric squawk, all the other Gush-O-Slush(R) Spam-For-The-Ears(TM) speakers in the entire terminal stop playing "The Girl From Ipanema," with lots of strings very soothingly.

The applause of the crowd is deafening.

[Your score just went up.]

They like me! They really like me!

>d
You cautiously descend the pillar.

Pillar

You're halfway up the pillar.

>d
You slide the last few feet to the floor, where a grateful cheering crowd carries you shoulder high to the front of the check-in desk. There, you are quickly issued a boarding card and passed into the personal care of a passing airline official, who whisks you through all the formalities in a way which shows it's perfectly possible really, if they put their minds to it. Within three minutes you are sitting in a seat on a plane, and three minutes later still you have taken off and the plane is safely on its way to Zalagasa.
You are sitting in an incredibly comfortable FubAero 7-11 Air Zalagasa jet, cruising 30,000 feet above somewhere which you don't know where it is.

Seat 3B

This is an incredibly comfortable FubAero Comf-O-Mat (TM) seat equipped with its own set of passenger station comfort controls. There are buttons to recline the seat, call the attendant and control the lighting, and a socket. The seat back in front of you contains a table and a pocket; the seat pocket contains a bulge, a safety card and an airline magazine.

And this brings Part II to an end. Next time, Flight 42 from Chicago to Zalagasa!

Inventory:
$57.50
An envelope
A memo
A Swiss army knife
A coupon booklet
A damaged portrait of Mikhail S. Gorbachev
A flyer
A Popular Paranoia magazine (included in the feelies)
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
A recipe cartridge (containing a foul-looking stew recipe)
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
A hacksaw
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 122/81, in 444 moves. Your status is Stable. Your score is 11 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

Death toll: 2 (shot between the eyes by an old woman with an elephant gun, killed by a heavily-armed paranoiac)

If you're wondering, my blood pressure is up a bit because I accidentally typed "f" instead of "d" at one point when I was climbing down the pillar. Just thought I should mention that.

Adventure game logic!

Yeah, I just assumed the crowd was gathering to watch you fall and break your neck. Bureacracy doesn't even try to dress up the solution as something that makes the slightest bit of sense.

I can't decide if I love or hate this game!

> open pocket
> take all
> examine bulge (or whatever it's called now)

Clearly this game was made ages ago. No puzzles involving airport security? They didn't even confiscate that hacksaw? Alas, this game was 20 years too early for topical bureaucracy...

Recline your seat and call the flight attendent. Request a fruity beverage.

It is very unlikely that you will need to accomplish anything on this flight. Sit back and relax.

Well, sorry about taking a while, but I've been under a lot of stress studying for my Chem I final. But anyway, on with the flight!

>open pocket
Which pocket do you mean, the seat pocket or your pocket?

>seat
It's already open.

>take all
The bulge: Taken.
The safety card: Taken.
The airline magazine: You're holding too much already.

You're beginning to feel normal again.

Wow...all this junk, and only now I'm carrying too much? Oh, well. Let's see what this "bulge" is.

>i
You're holding a safety card, headphones, $57.50, an envelope containing a memo, a Swiss army knife, a coupon booklet, a damaged painting of Mikhail S. Gorbachev, an eclipse predicting cartridge, a flyer, a Popular Paranoia magazine, your passport, your Boysenberry computer (containing a recipe cartridge), a small case, a hacksaw, a Beezer card and a wallet (containing a US Excess card). You're wearing a digital wristwatch. Your pocket is empty.

Oh, it's a safety card. Wonder what it says?

>read card
Which card do you mean, the safety card, the Beezer card, or the US Excess card?

>safety
This is a shiny card showing happy smiling Zalagasans in a shiny Air Zalagasa aeroplane to which all sorts of terrible things are happening.

The first picture shows a happy smiling stewardess waving her arms in the air. The second picture shows some happy, smiling Zalagasan passengers cheerfully removing false teeth, wigs, glass eyes, spectacles, and ornamental nose bones. The third picture shows some Zalagasan passengers who are almost certainly happy and smiling but you can't tell because they are all bent double, clasping their knees. The fourth picture appears to have been chewed off by a llama or something, so you can't tell what the happy, smiling Zalagasans which it undoubtedly showed were actually doing.

Now, let's enjoy this flight. First, we'll recline our seat.

>press recline button
You hear a tiny metallic voice whispering nearby.

That probably wasn't supposed to happen. Oh, well. Maybe we can still get a drink from the flight attendant?

>press call button
You hear a tiny metallic voice whispering nearby.

Well, maybe I have to wear those headphones, and that's why I can't hear what it's saying!

>wear headphones
You put on the headphones.

>press recline button
You hear a tiny metallic voice whispering nearby.

Guess not. But I know that it's possible to get an effect by pressing the buttons! Maybe if I...

>wait
Time passes.

>wait
Time passes.

>z
Time passes.

>z
Time passes.

An announcement comes over the P.A. system, with the emphasis on all the wrong words: "At this time, we will be serving you with dinner. Please return to your seats for your comfort and safety."

The flight attendant appears and asks you what you would like for dinner. "We have Chicken Kiev with raspberry vinegar and a kiwi fruit, or we have Filet with raspberries and kiwi vinegar dressing. Which would you prefer?"

Considering that I like the taste of kiwi, but not the texture...

>>filet
The flight attendant goes away for a while, then returns. "We are out of the Filet, sir. Would you like the Chicken?"

I guess...

>>yes
"We are also out of that, sir. I do have a Zalagasan specialty: llama stewed with pulped roots and other sorts of Zalagasan stuff. Would you like that?"

"Zalagasan stuff?" Doesn't exactly sound appetizing...

>>no
"Excellent!" says the attendant. She unfolds your table and puts a bowl full of something horrible which you do not want to look at on it. The subsequent vanishing act she puts on is a sight to behold.

"Ladies and gentlemen, at this time we will be enabling the various comfort control functions of your Comf-O-Mat (TM) seats. For your safety and comfort, please do not abuse them."

What part of "no" doesn't she understand? Well, I might as well risk looking at it.

>look at stew
You don't want to.

>look at stew
Very well. It's horrible. At first you think "Ho hum, don't mind eating it, but I wouldn't want to tread in it" but then you decide that it's even worse than that. It seems to be composed of old shoe-leather and a number of small greenish, mutated things with too many heads. Innumerable tiny eyes peer up at you from the plate.


I wonder if this is the stew on the recipe cart? Anyway, maybe now I can recline my seat and/or order a drink of some kind?

>press recline button
You hear a ding-dong from behind you.

Huh? That certainly didn't recline my seat. But maybe the call button will work?

>press call button
The head of the person in front of you starts to shine.

Hmm, it seems that none of those buttons do what they're supposed to. We might as well try eating this stuff. It can't be worse than that burger, after all.

>eat stew
You hold your breath and cram the disgusting food into your mouth. It writhes distinctly on the way down. You hear groans of disgust and disbelief from your fellow passengers.

Can't say I blame them. Might as well just wait to reach Zalagasa. First, let's...

>airline
The in-flight magazine is packed with useful information about duty-free cigarets, interesting llama-wool clothes and pygmy hog breeding. There is a competition prize of $25,000 for the best photograph of the amazingly rare Ai-Ai, and a long article which tells you far more than you wanted to know about the damned creature, illustrated with a fuzzy photograph which could equally well be a dingo's armpit on a dark night, and another article on the legendary Zalagasan princess Ani-Ta'a, a hypermanic virago who, according to the caption below her picture, could enslave men and terrify babies at a single glance.

The last item you read is a particularly boastful and disgusting article on the various types of cannibalism practised in Zalagasa. Hardly any of this material is of the slightest use to you, but you read it anyway because that is the sort of thing people do on aeroplanes.

Your meal has had a chance to work for a while. You are feeling distinctly queasy. Your fellow passengers probably would be, too, but for the fact that every time you breathe out, more of them pass out. This heartrending scene finally ends when some component of your breath weakens the fuselage enough for it to burst. You plummet to the jungle floor, where a passing Ai-Ai devours your remains.

Death

If you're wondering, that's because I ate that foul concoction. It had nothing to do with my reading the magazine.

Maybe if we get the stewardess to take away the stew, we'll survive? So, I'll play back through through to the point where I got the stew, getting rid of some surplus inventory en route (seriously, why am I still carrying around a damaged picture of Gorby?)

>z
Time passes.

A flight attendant hurries up to you. "This is really unforgivable, sir. You haven't eaten your delicious Zalagasan dinner yet. Surely you must know the regulations."

>ask attendant about regulations
"The ZAA clearly states that all tables must be in their stowed position for landing. Clearly, your table cannot be stowed (except of course by brute force, which is prohibited) while your food is still in place. Union rules do not permit me to remove a full plate. Therefore unless you eat your food, I shall not be able to remove your plate, your table will not be stowed properly, we shall not be able to land, and we shall have to fly round and round until we run out of fuel, crash, and die. Thank you for your attention. Sit back, relax and enjoy the flight."

The attendant goes away.

Well, that sucks. But people have survived plane crashes before...so maybe I can wait it out?

Many turns of waiting later...

>z
Time passes.

After a relatively lengthy and peculiarly odorous incubation, your Zalagasan specialty finally escapes its bowl and runs amok in the aeroplane. Its adventures conclude, at least from your point of view, when it enters the cockpit and forces the pilot to crash into the jungle, much to the chagrin of those passengers who survived that long.

Death

Well, this is a dilly of a pickle. Eat the stew, and you die. Don't eat the stew, and you die. How to solve this problem?

Puzzles:
Getting rid of my Ragout "Reine de L'Afrique".
A safety card with a missing instruction.

Inventory:
$57.50
An envelope
A memo
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
A recipe cartridge (containing a foul-looking stew recipe)
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
A hacksaw
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 122/81, in 449 moves. Your status is Stable. Your score is 11 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

Death toll: 4 (shot between the eyes by an old woman with an elephant gun, killed by a heavily-armed paranoiac, plane crash caused by lethal halitosis, plane crash caused by killer lunch special)

The bulge can't be the safety card, because the safety card has it's own entry. Must have been the headphones.

Why not shove the stew into the case you're still holding?

The stewardess also says she can't remove a full plate, but what if some of the contents were removed somehow?

Dump the stew in the seat pocket. Or a barf bag if there is one.

I almost wonder if the faulty seat controls are the result of some serious messed-up wiring. Perhaps you can go to a different seat instead, and mess with the buttons there to find out what happens.

We've gotten some suggestions as to what to do with this horrid glop that the airline seems to consider "food," so let's try them. There's no barf bag, but...

>pour stew in pocket
Which pocket do you mean, the seat pocket or your pocket?

>seat
As you gingerly pick up your bowl of hateful food, the flight attendant appears. You read her mind. It says "I can read your mind, buster. Put that food down or else."

You wisely put the food down.

She leaves.

Guess we can't carry the stuff...which is probably for the best. After all, picking it up could be pretty risky, considering what it's capable of. Obviously, this also means that we can't put it in the case. But maybe we could see if the miswiring applies elsewhere, or if it's only our seat.

>stand
Gingerly edging past your dish of virulent food, you get out of your seat.

Aisle, At Row 3

You are standing in the aisle, at row 3. Both seats B and C are unoccupied; there are two politicians in seats D and E, both in obvious need of lithium therapy.

Lithium therapy? Nani?
(one Google search later...)
Oh, it's used for treating psychiatric conditions involving mood changes. Interesting, but not useful.

On an unrelated note, despite there being a seat B, there is no seat A. I have no idea why.

>examine politician
There are two politicians in seats D and E, both in obvious need of lithium therapy. It's hard to tell them one from the other.

>s
Aisle, At Row 4

You are standing in the aisle, at row 4. Two Zalagasans are sitting in seats B and C playing "I Left My Heart in San Francisco" on ethnic nose flutes; both seats D and E are unoccupied.


Let's take a look at them.

>examine zalagasans
Two Zalagasans are sitting in seats B and C playing "I Left My Heart in San Francisco" on ethnic nose flutes. It's hard to tell them one from the other.

Pretty much same as the politicians. But, more importantly, these seats are empty!

>sit in 4d
Just as you're settling in, a flustered flight attendant rushes up to you. "You left your personal belongings in your old seat, sir! Please don't let it happen again."

Whenever you sit in a new seat, the flight attendant gives you back any crap you might have dumped at your old seat. Quite annoying, IMHO.

Seat 4D

This is an incredibly comfortable FubAero Comf-O-Mat (TM) seat equipped with its own set of passenger station comfort controls. There are buttons to recline the seat, call the attendant and control the lighting, and a socket. The seat back in front of you contains a table and a pocket; the seat pocket contains a safety card, an airline magazine and a bulge. You aren't wearing your seat belt.


Now, to press each of those buttons in order.

>press recline button
You hear a ding-dong from behind you.

>press call button
The head of the politician in front of you starts to shine.

>press light button
From somewhere behind, you hear a high-pitched, scraping sound like a large rat sliding down a blackboard. You immediately recognise this as the characteristic sound of a doting mother who has been looking forward to a nourishing meal after a day's hard baby-care when utterly without warning the seat in front of her has inexplicably shot back with astonishing force, hitting her on the back of her head and forcing her face into her food, then shot forward again with equal speed, forcing her food into her face.

Hmm...so, it seems that the recline button calls the flight attendant for another seat, the call button controls the lighting for another seat, and the light button reclines another seat. That info will be useful, I'm sure, but let's check out the other seats first.

>s
Aisle, At Row 5

You are standing in the aisle, at row 5. Seat B is empty; seat C is occupied by an old woman, clutching a misshapen thing; both seats D and E are occupied.

>examine woman
She's just an old woman, clutching a misshapen thing.

The snivelling, ratty and ineffectual nerd stumbles into view again. "There you are!" he whines. "I've got something I know you'll want. A Boysenberry XiGT6HP Special! Only 58 bucks!"

>examine special
The product of years of research by tiny dedicated craftsmen in expensive West Coast chambray workshirts, the XiGT6HP Special offers full digital pay-as-you-load "top-end" hyphenation combined with a unique beat-as-you-sweep action for perfectly browned vegetables and reliable color-fast, full-nine-pound boil-wash 'n' rinse cycles with "No-Urk" data security.

The nerd waves the Boysenberry XiGT6HP Special impatiently. "C'mon, buddy. 58 bucks! A bargain!"

I think it might be interesting to ask the woman about the thing.

>ask woman about thing
"It's for my nephew Arthur. I'm not sure what it is, but he's very clever, and I'm sure he'll be able to figure it out."

"No money, no Boysenberry XiGT6HP Special," whines the nerd.

If you're wondering, this is a reference to the HHGTTG text game...the misshapen thing, that is, not the Boysenberry XiGT6HP Special.

Aisle, At Row 6

You are standing in the aisle, at row 6. There are two Frobozzco executives in seats B and C; seat D is empty; seat E is occupied by a fat man.

You hear a hatefully familiar whine close at hand. "There you are!" he whines. "I've got something I know you'll want. A Little Computer Animals program! Only 58 bucks!"

>animals
You've heard of Little Computer People. Now you can have Little Computer Animals. Just load up the disk and -- Poof! -- every morning there's the hell of a mess all round your computer -- bits of straw, half-chewed food, bones, feathers and all the romance of the animal kingdom. Little Computer Animals will even shriek inexplicably in the middle of the night. Guaranteed to make your dull old computer not only lovable but even more time-consuming.

The nerd waves the Little Computer Animals program impatiently. "C'mon, buddy. 58 bucks! A bargain!"

Actually, I hadn't heard of Little Computer People before this, but apparently it was like The Sims before The Sims existed.

>examine fat
[the fat man]

Oddly, he's indistinguishable from every other fat man you've ever seen on an aeroplane.

"No money, no Little Computer Animals program," whines the nerd.

>examine executives
There are two Frobozzco executives in seats B and C. It's hard to tell them one from the other.

The nerd stumbles out of sight with the Little Computer Animals program. "I'll be back," he threatens.

>s
Aisle, At Row 7

You are standing in the aisle, at row 7. Both seats B and C are occupied; seat D is empty; seat E is occupied by a man sleeping, his head in a book. He is snoring gently.

A flight attendant hurries up to you. "This is really unforgivable, sir. You haven't eaten your delicious Zalagasan dinner yet. Surely you must know the regulations." You find yourself, as if by magic, back in your seat, staring at the hateful thing.

Seat 3B

This is an incredibly comfortable FubAero Comf-O-Mat (TM) seat equipped with its own set of passenger station comfort controls. There are buttons to recline the seat, call the attendant and control the lighting, and a socket. The seat back in front of you contains a table and a pocket; the seat pocket contains a safety card, an airline magazine and headphones. The seat table is down. It contains a noisome stew. You aren't wearing your seat belt.

Sometimes, you're forced back to your seat when checking out the rest of the plane. Annoying, but not exactly lethal except in the fact that it wastes some time in a time-limit puzzle, albeit a generous one.

Anyway, after going back to Row 7...

>s
Aisle, At Row 7

You are standing in the aisle, at row 7. Both seats B and C are occupied; seat D is empty; seat E is occupied by a man sleeping, his head in a book. He is snoring gently.

Strange...there doesn't seem to be a description of the people in seats 7b and 7c. Maybe I can examine them?

>examine 7b
It's occupied.

>examine 7c
It's occupied.

You're beginning to feel normal again.

Or not. I wonder what book the man is reading?

>examine book
It's a coupon booklet ("Worth Over $10.00!") for a supermarket so far away it would cost you $20.00 to get there, addressed to 622 Peach. There's also one of those cute little orange Postal Service stickers, with a D printed on it.

No, no...I meant the other book. You know, the one that's actually a book? Maybe I have to examine the man to find out.

>examine mn
[You must have special permission to use the word "mn" in this story.]

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

>oops man
He's sleeping, his head in a book.

The ghastly nerd reappears at your side, peering myopically through his filthy Coke-bottle spectacles. "There you are!" he whines. "I've got something I know you'll want. A real Star Trek phaser! Only 58 bucks!"

>examine phaser
The first rule of defense is attack. With the Star Trek phaser you can defend yourself by vapourising people before they've even noticed you're there, let alone thought about attacking you. Works just like the real thing.

The nerd waves the real Star Trek phaser impatiently. "C'mon, buddy. 58 bucks! A bargain!"

Shame I can't afford that phaser...maybe I could use it on the nerd.

>s
"Hey! Wait!" cries the nerd. "Can I go out with your sister?"

Aisle, At Row 8

You are standing in the aisle, at row 8. There is a mother in seat C; her baby, resting quietly for the moment, is next to her in seat B; both seats D and E are unoccupied.

You're beginning to feel normal again.

I'm pretty sure that that is the same woman who I spilled stew on, meaning that the light button at seat 4D must recline seat 7C. There is probably a pattern to this, but I'll have to check some more seats first. Since there are empty seats in this row...

>sit in 8e
Seat 8E

This is an incredibly comfortable FubAero Comf-O-Mat (TM) seat equipped with its own set of passenger station comfort controls. There are buttons to recline the seat, call the attendant and control the lighting, and a socket. The seat back in front of you contains a table and a pocket; the seat pocket contains a safety card, an airline magazine and headphones. You aren't wearing your seat belt.

>press light button
From somewhere in front, you hear a repulsive squelching mumble, as if a chattering orangutan had suddenly had its mouth crammed full of earthworms. You immediately recognise this as the characteristic sound of a politician who has been (needless to say) talking with his mouth full of airline food and the seat in front of him has inexplicably shot back with astonishing force, hitting him on the back of his head and forcing his face into his food, then shot forward again with equal speed, forcing his food into his face.

Hmm, the politicians were in my row...which means that I must need to press one of the light buttons in this row. Maybe the one in 8d?

>sit in 8d
Seat 8D

This is an incredibly comfortable FubAero Comf-O-Mat (TM) seat equipped with its own set of passenger station comfort controls. There are buttons to recline the seat, call the attendant and control the lighting, and a socket. The seat back in front of you contains a table and a pocket; the seat pocket contains a safety card, an airline magazine and headphones. You aren't wearing your seat belt.

>press light button
From somewhere in the front of the aircraft, you hear a sad mechanical groan, as if a tired Comf-O-Mat (TM) seat had, for the too-manyth time, forced itself to recline abruptly, then forced itself upright again.


Nope, not that one...which means that it must be either the mother's or the baby's seat. But how to get them out of their seats? I'll leave that for y'all to find out.

Puzzles:
Getting rid of my Ragout "Reine de L'Afrique".
A safety card with a missing instruction.

Inventory:
A coupon booklet
A Popular Paranoia magazine
A Swiss army knife
A flyer
A damaged painting of Mikhail S. Gorbachev
$57.50
An envelope
A memo
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
A recipe cartridge (containing a foul-looking stew recipe)
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
A hacksaw
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 122/81, in 498 moves. Your status is Stable. Your score is 11 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

Death toll: 4 (shot between the eyes by an old woman with an elephant gun, killed by a heavily-armed paranoiac, plane crash caused by lethal halitosis, plane crash caused by killer lunch special)

Depending on the airline they may count the Aisle as row A, or row A may be a similar but differently designed airplane and they keep the numbers he same for flight attendants.

Or it could be that this is bureaucracy and it just isn't there because of bureaucrats.

This game is so confusing... but that's probably the point.

Indeed, it is probably the point. After all, it's called Bureaucracy, and what could be more confusing than bureaucracy?

On a side note, has anyone figured out how to get the mother and baby to give up their seats? I do know the correct solution, but I want to see if anyone else does first.

Is there a way to threaten them with that thing that barely qualifies as food?

Could you sit next to the woman, have the stewardess bring you the "food" and then somehow make the baby and or woman ill with it so they have to go to the lavatory?

Repeatedly recline and unrecline the seat in front of her until she gets fed up of being repeatedly hit by it and moves elsewhere.

None of the solutions suggested would work, unfortunately. For one thing, there is no lavatory, since this is a text game, and even if there were, it's not possible to sit next to the woman because the baby has its own seat. As for ais523's suggestion, well, here's what happens if you recline the seats too many times. After going back to seat 4D...

>press light button
You hear a hoarse cry of dismay from the rear of the aeroplane, but beyond the fact that someone has obviously met with a sudden accident, you can tell nothing.

>g
You hear a hoarse cry of dismay from the rear of the aeroplane, but beyond the fact that someone has obviously met with a sudden accident, you can tell nothing.

>g
You hear a hoarse cry of dismay from the rear of the aeroplane, but beyond the fact that someone has obviously met with a sudden accident, you can tell nothing.

Several of the passengers seem to be gathering in the aisle; as they approach you, what had seemed like a low murmur becomes an angry roar. "Are you too blasted stupid to figure out what's going on here, you twit? Trying to break all our necks, is that it? Well, we're not having it!" After they rend you limb from limb, they box you up, and toss you out of the aeroplane over a particularly notorious den of cannibals, where you become a picnic.

Death

You are dead.

[Your blood pressure is 0/0, in 506 moves. Your status is Defunct. Your score is 11 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.]

And so, with another death added on, I end this update with my usual promise to show the correct solution if no one has posted it by tomorrow.

Puzzles:
Getting rid of my Ragout "Reine de L'Afrique".
A safety card with a missing instruction.

Inventory:
A coupon booklet
A Popular Paranoia magazine
A Swiss army knife
A flyer
A damaged painting of Mikhail S. Gorbachev
$57.50
An envelope
A memo
A bag of llama treats
A passport
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
A recipe cartridge (containing a foul-looking stew recipe)
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A small case
A hacksaw
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Your blood pressure is 120/80, in 498 moves. Your status is Stable. Your score is 11 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

Death toll: 5 (shot between the eyes by an old woman with an elephant gun, killed by a heavily-armed paranoiac, plane crash caused by lethal halitosis, plane crash caused by killer lunch special, thrown out of an airplane over a den of cannibals)

Maybe you should use your own stew recipe and have your own horrid culinary monster fight your existing meal to the death?

Yeah I got nothing.

Attack the meal with your knife and/or hacksaw.

Feed the meal to Gorby. "Mr. Gorbachev, eat this stew!"

Have we checked if the safety card is in any other seat?

That stew recipe cartridge describes what seems to be the same meal you're trying to avoid. I wish I knew how to make that work to your advantage!

Well, no one has been able to figure out the correct solution, so here it is. First, though, I'll answer Umbaglo's question about the safety card. I'll head back to row 8, then...

>sit in 8d
Just as you're settling in, a flustered flight attendant rushes up to you. "You left your personal belongings in your old seat, sir! Please don't let it happen again."

Seat 8D

This is an incredibly comfortable FubAero Comf-O-Mat (TM) seat equipped with its own set of passenger station comfort controls. There are buttons to recline the seat, call the attendant and control the lighting, and a socket. The seat back in front of you contains a table and a pocket; the seat pocket contains a safety card, an airline magazine and a bulge. You aren't wearing your seat belt.

>examine card
Which card do you mean, the safety card, the Beezer card, or the US Excess card?

>examine safety card
This is a shiny card showing happy smiling Zalagasans in a shiny Air Zalagasa aeroplane to which all sorts of terrible things are happening.

The first picture shows a happy smiling stewardess waving her arms in the air. The second picture shows some happy, smiling Zalagasan passengers cheerfully removing false teeth, wigs, glass eyes, spectacles, and ornamental nose bones. The third picture shows some Zalagasan passengers who are almost certainly happy and smiling but you can't tell because they are all bent double, clasping their knees. The fourth picture appears to have been chewed off by a llama or something, so you can't tell what the happy, smiling Zalagasans which it undoubtedly showed were actually doing.

So, yes, every safety card is missing the same piece. Quite suspicious, if you ask me. But now, for the correct puzzle solution. Think back to the airline magazine, or, if you don't want to...

>read airline magazine
The in-flight magazine is packed with useful information about duty-free cigarets, interesting llama-wool clothes and pygmy hog breeding. There is a competition prize of $25,000 for the best photograph of the amazingly rare Ai-Ai, and a long article which tells you far more than you wanted to know about the damned creature, illustrated with a fuzzy photograph which could equally well be a dingo's armpit on a dark night, and another article on the legendary Zalagasan princess Ani-Ta'a, a hypermanic virago who, according to the caption below her picture, could enslave men and terrify babies at a single glance.

The last item you read is a particularly boastful and disgusting article on the various types of cannibalism practised in Zalagasa. Hardly any of this material is of the slightest use to you, but you read it anyway because that is the sort of thing people do on aeroplanes.

Emphasis mine. So, maybe if we show it to the kid...

>get it
You take the airline magazine out of the seat pocket.

>stand
Aisle, At Row 8

You are standing in the aisle, at row 8. There is a mother in seat C; her baby, resting quietly for the moment, is next to her in seat B; both seats D and E are unoccupied.

>show airline magazine to baby
The baby is amused by the pretensions of the in-flight magazine. It gurgles over the llama-wool clothes, chortles at the pygmy hogs, licks its hateful chops over the nice arrangements of cannibal cuisine, and giggles at the Ai-Ai. Then it sees the picture of Princess Ani-Ta'a. Its face turns bright red and crumples up (an improvement, if anything) and it bursts into hysterical sobs.

Its mother glares at you, picks up the baby and begins to stroll up and down the aisle, crooning horribly to her offspring.

And now, to take one of their seats. Since it would be too simple for the right one to be in the same row, it's probably 8C.

>sit in 8c
Seat 8C

This is an incredibly comfortable FubAero Comf-O-Mat (TM) seat equipped with its own set of passenger station comfort controls. There are buttons to recline the seat, call the attendant and control the lighting, and a socket. The seat back in front of you contains a table and a pocket; the seat pocket contains a safety card and a bulge. You aren't wearing your seat belt.

>press light button
There is a dreadful wet squelch from towards the front of the cabin, and, briefly, a whiff of something truly hellish.

That's probably a good sign...

>stand
Aisle, At Row 8

You are standing in the aisle, at row 8. This row is unoccupied.

The mother returns, bearing her by now quiet infant. She is accompanied by a flight attendant, who marches you back to your seat without further ado.

You are in your seat. There is no sign of your dinner which has been slammed between the table and the seat in front of you when it reclined. Only a tiny trickle of greenish slime betrays that the hateful food was ever there. A small piece of laminated card has fallen from the seat-back.

Seat 3B

This is an incredibly comfortable FubAero Comf-O-Mat (TM) seat equipped with its own set of passenger station comfort controls. There are buttons to recline the seat, call the attendant and control the lighting, and a socket. The seat back in front of you contains a table and a pocket; the seat pocket contains a safety card and a bulge. The seat table is down. You aren't wearing your seat belt. Under the seat, you have a small piece of laminated card.

And the nightmare is over...for now! Hmm, I wonder if that might be the missing piece of the safety card?

>examine piece
The card is the missing bit from your safety instructions. Gingerly avoiding the horrid little patch of dried llama-spit, you see a really dreadful picture (specially commissioned from Zalagasa's most famous primitive painter) of a smiling, cheerful Air Zalagasa flight attendant dangling happily from a colossal parachute on which is written "STINGLAI KA'ABI."

Stinglai Ka'abi...I wonder what that could mean? Oh, well. Now that regulations no longer prohibit the plane from landing, we can probably wait for it to land now.

>raise seat table
Closed.

A flight attendant comes up to you, glowering angrily. Then she notices that your food has gone. "Oh... er..." she mutters in confusion. "Ah... my colleague must have taken your plate. Hope you enjoyed your meal, sir." She looks as if she is almost tempted to be polite, except that she doesn't know how, and walks away.

I was worried that this was a "guess the verb" puzzle, but fortunately it wasn't. Guess I'm a bit paranoid after a lot of badly-programmed homebrew IF...one of which might just be my next LP.

You know, they keep mentioning that my seat belt isn't buckled. Better fix that.

>buckle seat belt
You're much more comfortable, now that you don't have to sit on it.

The flight attendant reappears. "There is a telephone call for you, sir," she says, and walks away.

Well, darn. Right when I'm getting comfy, too. :P

>unbuckle seat belt
[You must have special permission to use the word "unbuckle" in this story.]

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

Of course. They avoid one guess-the-verb just to put another one right there.

>remove seat belt
Although you can move more freely, the buckle is causing some discomfort in your posterior region.

The phone is in the back of the plane, so...

>stand
Aisle, At Row 3

You are standing in the aisle, at row 3. Both seats B and C are unoccupied; there are two politicians in seats D and E, both in obvious need of lithium therapy.

>s
Aisle, At Row 4

You are standing in the aisle, at row 4. Two Zalagasans are sitting in seats B and C playing "I Left My Heart in San Francisco" on ethnic nose flutes; both seats D and E are unoccupied. A flight attendant is waiting here.

You're beginning to feel normal again.

>s
Aisle, At Row 5

You are standing in the aisle, at row 5. Seat B is empty; seat C is occupied by an old woman, clutching a misshapen thing; both seats D and E are occupied. A flight attendant is waiting here.

>s
Aisle, At Row 6

You are standing in the aisle, at row 6. There are two Frobozzco executives in seats B and C; seat D is empty; seat E is occupied by a fat man.

>s
Aisle, At Row 7

You are standing in the aisle, at row 7. Both seats B and C are occupied; seat D is empty; seat E is occupied by a man sleeping, his head in a book. He is snoring gently.

>s
Aisle, At Row 8

You are standing in the aisle, at row 8. There is a mother in seat C; her baby, resting quietly for the moment, is next to her in seat B; both seats D and E are unoccupied.

>s
Aisle, At Row 9

You are standing in the aisle, at row 9. Seat B is empty; seat C is occupied by a red-faced, angry-looking man; both seats D and E are unoccupied.

>s
Rear Of Aeroplane

There is a telephone here, with a slot for credit cards. The emergency hatch lies to the east, and the lavatory is south.

The phone is ringing.

Well, I'd better answer it, then.

>answer phone
"Hello? Hello? Mr Plant?"

>>yes
"Mr Jeff R. Plant?"

>>yes
"This is Myrtle? The waitress from the restaurant? I was just wondering, did you recall to leave me a gratuity this morning?"

>>no
"Oh. Well, you really should ha...

The line is disconnected. For a moment you hear a hum, and then voices.

The flight attendant appears. "If you could return to your seat, sir, we'd appreciate it. We need to talk to all the passengers about something."

The flight attendant seems strangely reluctant to leave.

"Uh, Roger, Air Zalagasa 612, say your message."

"Uh, Air Zalagasa 612, we have engine failure and our port wing is about to drop off. We anticipate a crash situation at this time."

"Roger, Air, uh, Zalagasa 612, estimate your crash time please."

"Air Zalagasa 612, about five minutes from now."

"Understood. By the way, there was no crash filed for this time in your flight plan. You really should apply in triplicate for permission to crash, at least half an hour before take off."

Click.

You hang up.

Well, if it's not one problem, it's another. How to survive a plane crash? This one isn't as bad as some of the ones we've had, but can you figure it out? Find out next time on "Unfortunately, there's a radio connected to my brain. Let's play Bureaucracy!"

Puzzles:
Escaping a crashing airplane.

Inventory:
An airline magazine
A coupon booklet
A Popular Paranoia magazine
A Swiss army knife
A flyer
A damaged painting of Mikhail S. Gorbachev
$57.50
An envelope
A memo
An eclipse predicting cartridge
A passport
A Boysenberry� laptop computer
A recipe cartridge (containing a foul-looking stew recipe)
A small case
A hacksaw
A Beezer card
A wallet
A US Excess card (expired)
A digital watch

Oddly enough, my bag of llama treats seems to have disappeared. This has nothing to do with the game, I just thought it was strange.

Your blood pressure is 120/80, in 489 moves. Your status is Stable. Your score is 11 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.

Death toll: 5 (shot between the eyes by an old woman with an elephant gun, killed by a heavily-armed paranoiac, plane crash caused by lethal halitosis, plane crash caused by killer lunch special, thrown out of an airplane over a den of cannibals)

You read the safety card, you know what to do! And you're the only person on the plane who does, since every last safety card had the instructions for this situation removed. You need to ask a stewardess for a parachute! Of course, being Bureaucracy, it won't be that straightforward, I bet. Probably have to ask for it by the brand name or something...

This game seems like one of those that was made just to get people to call the hint line. Did anyone play this when it came out? Was it fun?