Let's Play: The Bard's Tale - Tales of the Unknown

Next time: Half the party dies.

Man, I think I'd forgotten just how much you can't get attached to low level characters in The Bard's Tale.

Good lord, how are you supposed to beat the game if everyone's dying off? I hope at least Grissom makes it to the end.

Truckles lives.

I called it.

I'm totally right.

Right.

Death be a thing you cannot dodge
Whether adventurer or brother at the lodge
So every time a friend may die
I ask you, bring yourself not to cry
For they have gone to a better place
Where the beer is free and every card is an ace
Or so I heard the other day
from a drunken barbarian who'd lost his way
and he certainly seemed a trustworthy sort
and his lifestyle a fun one to court
so if a suggestion I may make
let's behave like heathens! Our shirts off we'll take!
...
I think that I have gone off topic
Need to give my veering horse a kick
And sing a merry little tune
of adventurers who will be dead soon!
Cha-cha-cha!


(All good songs end with a Cha-cha-cha.)
(Also, a good start so far! Can't wait for more.)

The men of Fight an 'eal returned with haste.
Because they'd seen two friends reduced to paste.
Now licking wounds and catching breaths they paused,
Discussing what would best advance their cause.



Grissom: Well, that was a rather costly excursion.

Doctor Orpheus: Nontheless, we can't be deterred from our mission. I, Doctor Orpheus, (along with you guys) must free the city of Skara Brae.

Pants: And I must capture our brave deeds in song. And that song will make me famous and I'll totally score with chicks!

Truckles: I still want to smash things.

Grissom: And I suppose I'll never further my magical education by sitting inside the adventurer's guild here with these other inexperienced adventurers. Yes, let us journey on.

Pants: The first order of business is to recruit two members to replace our fallen comrades. And I suppose we should bury them since we did go to the trouble of dragging their dead corpses back here.

Doctor Orpheus: But first I'll be taking my gear back, mr. dead McNabb.
Badass status: restored.... ow, my kidney.

Grissom: Easy there, knight of narcissism, you're still pretty badly wounded.

Pants: Yeah, and I'll bet we can use the promise of free equipment to recruit new people.

Truckles: There's one of them fisty-thinky people over there.

Pants: Perfect.

A man in nothing but shorts sits in the corner of the hall with his legs in the full lotus position. He is chanting to himself.



Chow-Yun Phat: Ommmm.... I am in my happy place... Ooh, there are bunnies here.

Pants: Excuse me, Mr. monk, we couldn't help but notice you over here. We are a group of adventurers known collectively as Fight an 'eal who are venturing forth to save this city. Would you care to join us?

Chow-Yun Phat's concentration is broken and he looks up, annoyed

Chow-Yun Phat: Humph. I am on a personal quest of spiritual enlightenment. I aim to develop myself through rigorous training of mind and body in order to transcend this earthly plane. I am not interested.

Pants: But just of think of the fame and fortune you will get as one of the saviors of Skara Brae.

Chow-Yun Phat: I care not for such things. My life is one of simplicity and detachment.

Doctor Orpheus: We can offer this set of starting Monk equipment.

Chow-Yun Phat: Kick ass! I've always wanted a mace! Sold!

Everyone stares at him

Chow-Yun Phat: Uh, I mean, uh, on second thought I can achieve my enlightenment by training with your group.

Having obtained a fifth member, the group now discusses what they need in a sixth member.

Chow-Yun Phat: Say, this Leather Armor you guys gave me is a little small. *sniff* And it smells of Dwarf.

Pants: Uh, yeah. It was, uh... made by a dwarf! Finest blacksmiths around! They just sometimes forget to make things human-sized.

Chow-Yun Phat: And are these blood stains?

Pants: No, uh, just the way they decorate it.

Grissom: Getting back to our discussion, I think having a magic-user would greatly increase the support the front three get in battle.

Truckles: I want more guys that can smash things.

Doctor Orpheus: I think Truckles has a point. We need people willing to stand up front and attack our foes while I stand behind and... inspire them to victory.

Unnoticed by Fight an 'eal, a diminutive character has snuck up behind them and done a quick survey of their possessions.



Philliam: Why the fuck do you cry-babies not having any money?

Everyone turns and stares at the little Gnome

Philliam: Uh, can I join you?

Truckles sizes him up

Truckles: [doubtfully] Can you smash things?

Philliam: I'm not the best in combat, but if I have to fight I'm not awful. I can hide from things very well.

Grissom: That doesn't exactly help us defeat our enemies.

Philliam: Whatever.

Grissom: What else can you do?

Philliam: I have a chance of disarming traps.

Grissom: Um, I can do that with 100% certainty and it hardly costs me any spell points.

Philliam: Nerd.

Doctor Orpheus: Do you have any other talents?

Philliam: I can provide irreverent, off-color, biting commentary.

Pants: Hmm... we don't have anyone in our party that can do that.

Doctor Orpheus You don't mind going in front, do you?

Philliam: As long as I get a share of the phat loot, it's cool.

Doctor Orpheus: You're hired.


With two new members to replace the old,
The group returned to where equipment's sold.
Once Philliam had the best that he could wear,
They found that there remained some gold to spare.

Pants: Hey guys, looks like we have enough left over to get me an instrument.

Truckles: Urge to smash Pants rising.

Grissom: Now now, let's not be too hasty. Perhaps Pants is telling the truth that he can hold a tune when he has an instrument. Plus we could probably use the extra support his bard's songs will provide.



Pants: Ooh, I've always wanted a flute.

Philliam: The last flute player I knew was a pedophile.

Pants: Then I must redeem the instrument. One flute, Garth!

Truckles: If you misplay it, I will find a good place to stick it.



Pants: Sweet!

Philliam: Ha ha, loser.

Doctor Orpheus: I hate to break up the reverie, but it has been awhile and my wounds aren't any better.

Grissom: Orpheus, you have several broken ribs, some deep cuts, and I'm pretty sure you're missing a foot. Do you think you can just stay overnight at an inn or something and be cured?

Chow-Yun Phat: When you have achieved enlightenment, pain will no longer bother you.

Doctor Orpheus: Yeah? Enlighten my foot!

Grissom: If you want to be healed in time to help us, magic is the only recourse.

Doctor Orpheus: Then magic me up, Conjurer!

Grissom: Actually, they didn't teach us any healing at conjurer's community college. Said we'd need more than an associate's degree to learn it and I was like "Fuck that! You bastards just want to bleed more of my money. I can learn magic just fine on my own without your..."

Chow-Yun Phat: Grissom?

Grissom: Uh, yeah. Any temple should be able to provide healing. According to our map, there's one just south of the adventurer's guild.




Chow-Yun Phat: Ah, here we are.

Pants: Ooh, fancy.

Grissom: It's a good thing we have this map, because from the side, this temple looks like any other building. It's only once we turn to face it that we can see the elaborate columns and stone steps.

Philliam: A wizard did it.



Doctor Orpheus: Me, me!

Truckles: What's that noise?

Pants: Why, it's the melodious chanting of the monks. I will listen closely so I can add it to my repertoire.

Philliam: It's like cats on a chalkboard are clawing my ears out.

Seriously, this is one instance in which the Apple IIgs' superior sound chip is playing something awful



Doctor Orpheus: Well shit. That's, uh, a bit more money than I have. We'll be back.

Doctor Orpheus: Man, no wonder they call it the Thief Temple - those guys are robbing us blind with their prices.

Grissom: Actually, the temples in the city are an oligopoly. Due to their lobbying power and the toothless city politicians, they all charge the same high rate.

Doctor Orpheus: I guess you guys will just have to kill some more monsters to gather gold to heal me. Doctor Orpheus.

Philliam: Why are we listening to this loser, anyway?

Pants: He's oddly charismatic.

Holy FUCK you are not kidding about the monk theme. It's beyond description.

The words... the words just aren't there.

I demand that the gnome be played like a Discworld gnome, willing to kill someone over a potato chip.

I'm almost certain that The Bard's Tale for the IIGS was my first ever RPG. I recall it seeming really hard, but, until now, I wasn't sure if that was due to its actually being hard or whether it was due to my youth and inexperience.

I now know that my inexperience was not to blame.

How on earth do you beat this game? The fights are hard, your characters are frail, resurrection is expensive, healing is expensive, and, if I recall correctly, the only way to raise a character's level is to go to a special temple half-way across town and pay another exorbitant fee. I think the best I ever did in the game was to get a conjurer up to level 2.

I'm loving this Let's Play, by the way, and despite the pain on display I'm sore tempted to install a IIGS emulator and play through it and some of the other games of my youth.

Wow, that temple song is pretty...I mean, I see what they were trying to do but...just, no. NO. Also, Philliam is a great addition to the party already. Please try and keep the current gang alive.

We already three of these people die, so it's just a matter of guessing who!

Sad to say, though, that some of my favorite characters are likely to die. Don't leave, Doctor O!

As far as I like that you used Chow-Yun Phat, I bet it won't be very healthy having two monks in the party as they are losers in the beginning, if I remember.

Only later, when you do 8 attacks per round hitting for 850 damage, they kick ass and take names.

The Bard's Tale was many people's first RPG as it was the first truly accessible RPG due to its comparatively easy to understand rules and mechanics (next to Wizardry and Ultima). It is extremely hard in the beginning (though a bit easier if you use the pre-fab party that came with the game), but because you understand how it works, you get better at it and keep coming back.

I'm doing this LP as if I've never played before because I'm sure there are a ton of people unfamiliar with the game and I think it would be better for them to experience like they might in their first playthrough. As you'll see whenever I get the next part of this update up, much of the early game is figuring out when to run from monsters.

Lara Crigger wrote a good article that's on 1up now that talks about early CRPGs and has a good mention of Bard's Tale.

there's a flute in my pants!

This does look harder than Wizardry, though. At least in Wizardry, the town was a safe haven. I think. I haven't played it since the first grade or so.

I was organizing my NES games last week and came across a copy of Wizardry: Proving Grounds of the Mad Overlord. I have no idea where the hell this game came from.

I'd give it a spin, if I could hook my NES up.

Normally you don't get encounter that many barbarians, most of the stuff in the city is more like goblins or rats or something like this, it's been too long to remember. That was just very baaad luck. Also, 7 of any monster are way too hard for a level one party, iirc.

Also, I again demand animated GIFs for the portraits and schtuff, I just don't know how one would take them...

EDIT: In Wizardry, the town is just a menu. So...safe haven, yes. Boring, but safe.
Also, I think Wizardry is way harder than Bard's Tale.

Which is a bold statement as I have never played a Wizardry game but the sixth part in which I was promptly killed by a group of big rats.

ANOTHER EDIT: @Red Hedgehog, does the Apple 2 GS version have the awesome monk chant when you're being healed? If so, how about an MP3 of it to enlighten the masses? ;-)

How does one go about playing a Pants Flute?

You blow on it.

I told you I'd shoot, but you didn't believe me! Why didn't you believe me?

The NES Wizardry is based off the final revision and is one of the best versions of the game. I think the NES Wizardry II is good as well.

The NES also has the best version of Might and Magic (which is the next evolution of dungeon-crawler, being very non-linear unlike the previous games - sort of like a proto-Elder Scrolls).

Just stay away from the NES Bard's Tale.

I don't know what's up with the random number generator in the game I'm playing. I've encountered exactly one set of easy enemies (and that was when I was just tooling around and experimenting and so wasn't part of the LP).

Yeah, you saw how I attempted that with the Adventurer's Hall in the early post. It isn't easy because I need to constantly take screen shots. If you want to suggest two or three you would really like to see, I'd be willing to give it a shot.

Correct. I've never put any significant time into Wizardry, so I won't comment on its difficulty compared to Bard's Tale.

They do. I neglected to capture it my first time at the temple. I'll get it next time I go.

Chow-Yun Phat:Ah, here are some skeletons. These guys don't look so tough. They only have one arm. It's time for a mace to the face!

Pants:What are those red, glowy bits?

Grissom: You don't want to know.

Philliam: Ahahaha!



Truckles: I don't feel so good.

Doctor Orpheus: Persevere, Truckles! You fight for all the downtrodden citizens of Skara Brae. If it weren't for my wounds, I would be there with you.

Philliam: And if you weren't a pussy.


Although no picture shows they won the fight,
They did prevail, but still not all was right.
While no one suffered further injury,
The group still lacked sufficient treasury.



Truckles: Hey guys, I found this weapon on one of the skeletons.

Chow-Yun Phat: What sort of weapon is it?

Truckles: It's, uh, it looks like, er, it has a, well... it's a weapon.

Philliam: Is he retarded?

Grissom: No, it is obviously a rare or magical weapon that only an expert like Garth could identify. But that would cost us money we don't have. Hold on to it, Truckles.



Pants: Uh oh, not these guys again. Time to skedaddle!

Philliam: Who says "skedaddle"?



Barbarians: You ain't going nowhere!

Grissom: Are you aware that by your double negative, you have implied that we are actually going somewhere?

Barbarians: Grrr!

Grissom: Guess not.

In one of Bard's Tale's rare instances of kindness to the player, if you attempt to run and fail, the enemy does not get a free round of attacks on you. Instead, you get to choose your battle actions as if you had chosen to stay and fight.



Grissom: Taste my arc of fire!

Chow-Yun Phat: Why an arc? Wouldn't a straight line of fire be much more efficient?

Grissom: We conjurers just like to show-off.



Chow-Yun Phat: Ow. I obviously have much to work on in both spiritual enlightenment and ass-kicking.

Philliam: Fuck man, that was painful.



Doctor Orpheus: Finally, we have enough to heal me!

Chow-Yun Phat: Yes, but we've taken significant injuries in the process. Our rate of gold earned to damage taken is not a positive trend.

Philliam: We're screwed.

Grissom: Perhaps we should run, guys. We're almost at the temple, most of us are injured, and these guys look tough.

Philliam: Just look at that menacing gesture he's making with his hand!

Pants: You know, I have a song that could heal us.

Doctor Orpheus: What?!? You could have restored me to my former glory and you said nothing of it? What impudence!

Pants: Well I didn't have an instrument before. And I didn't want Truckles to hurt me.

Truckles: And I would've!

Grissom: At this point, your off-key warblings would be much preferable to our deaths, eh Truckles?

Truckles: I make no promises I won't hurt him.

Pants pulls out his flute and plays the tune of Badh'r Kilnfest

Grissom: That was, surprisingly, pretty good. I guess it helps that he can't sing while playing the flute.

Doctor Orpheus: Ah, and I feel... hardly better at all. All that did was restore half a toe.

I failed to capture a good before and after, but Pants' song restored an amazing 1 HP to each party member.



Chow-Yun Phat: It seems running would indeed have been the prudent option.

Philliam: Bleeding sucks.

Doctor Orpheus: Pants, from now on you must sing that song in every battle.

Pants: [hoarsely] Not until I've had a drink.

Philliam: If I buy you a drink, you'd better put out.

Pants: No seriously, I can't sing again until I've had one. Look!



Doctor Orpheus: Well, enough of this. Time to get me healed. Priests of the Thief Temple, heal my wounds!



Doctor Orpheus: I feel so... violated.

Chow-Yun Phat: Given the immense drain that was on our expenses, I recommend we get Pants his drink as that will surely be less expensive than going back to this temple.

Grissom: According to our map, the closest inn is south of here.

Truckles: What's that statue on the map?

Doctor Orpheus: I'm sure it's just a statue commemorating some famous hero. Just like the one they'll make of me. Er, us.



Philliam: That thing's ugly. Attaaaaaack!

Grissom: I'm sure that stone will feel your wrath.



Grissom: Holy shit! It turned into an actual Samurai Warrior.

Philliam: I'm not stupid.

In the version of The Bard's Tale I originally played, it was far less clear that the statue was a guardian. Instead it seemed like you just came upon a statue blocking your path and it turned into a creature when you attacked it.

Doctor Orpheus: Now that I'm back at full health, I will lead our team to victory!



Doctor Orpheus: Brad damn it! I was healthy for all of 15 minutes.

Philliam: I hate statues!

Will our heroes be done in by an insufficient rate of return on investment? Oh, the slings and arrows of economic theory!

Pants: *sniff* I can smell the booze from out here! Inside!



Pants: A drink, yes! I need its fermented goodness.



Philliam: Ha ha! "Seat thyself Pants"

Pants: There's no way I could go wrong with a drink named "Foul Spirits"



Pants: Oh, sweet frothing beverage, how I've missed you.

Chow-Yun Phat: Does anyone else feel sort of bad that we're feeding his alcoholism?

Doctor Orpheus, Philliam, Truckles, Grissom: No.


With Pants now drunk on Spirits Foul and life,
The group decided they'd seen too much strife.
Back to advent'rer's hall they set to go,
But on the way encountered a new foe.
They tried to run, but found it was in vain.
Thus Fight an 'eal prepared to feel some pain.



Philliam: They're wearing eye patches so maybe their lack of depth perception will work in our favor.

Grissom: We really should have set a better marching order.

Pants: Don't worry guys, I'll just play Badh'r Kilnfest again!

Once again, it restores only 1 hit point to each member. I could have sworn it usually restored more than that.



Philliam: Fuuuuuuuuck!

Truckles: As useless as he was, I'm going to miss the guy.



Chow-Yun Phat: That's it... I've achieved Nirvana... I'm in the peaceful meadow... the bunnies are frolicking... such fluffy ears...



Pants: Feets don't fail me now.

Mercenaries: Where do you think you're going?

Truckles: They failed.

Doctor Orpheus: Don't worry crew, as long you have me, Doctor Orpheus to lead you, we will...



Doctor Orpheus: Urk!

Pants: Orpheus! No... we were just getting to know each other. We could have had something special!

Doctor Orpheus: Brad, I will join you shortly. I have always held true to your teachings. I have helped the downtrodden whenever I could. I have inspired others in your name. I have resisted all temptations and remained a virgin...

Grissom: Somehow I doubt that was by choice.

Doctor Orpheus: ...and now I, Doctor Orpheus, make the ultimate sacrifice so that Fight and 'eal can continue on to free the city. I'm sure they will remember my name always and create a great shrine to me, while singing songs about my bravery and strength, and folks will come from all around to mourn... gak!

Grissom: Truckles, did you just kick him?

Truckles: What? You've got to admit, that death monologue was a bit much.

Grissom: I'll let it pass, but only because you know what the word 'monologue' means.

Pants: Why do you think he always repeated his name? Was he afraid we'd forget it or did he just like the sound of it?

Grissom: A little from column A and a little from column B.

Mercenaries: Arr!

Pants: Oh yeah, these guys. Running now!

At last the group successf'ly ran away.
Now safely back, they'll fight another day.
Their numbers half they were upon daybreak.
With new recruits, a fresh attempt they'll make.

Dr. Orpheus! Other, lesser guys! Nooooooo!

I don't get progression in this. You run into fights that grind you into powder, your abilities are far too weak to make an impact in said fights and you make too little money to recuperate afterward.

Where exactly does the advancement come in?

Also: Brilliant stuff, dude.

You kill dudes to make money, and they kill you. You take said money and buy some gear for your new recruits. New recruits kill a few more dudes before dieing and you get a little more money for better gear. At least, I think this is the usual progression.

I just don't know what is going on there, I mean, each and every one of the enemies you've fought has been of a harder enemy type than I remember being in Skara Brae...

WAIT! The enemies get significantly stronger at night, do you maybe run around in the dark?

All the guys I've encountered are ones you can normally find during the day in the city, but I definitely feel like there is something up with the random number generator, as I have yet to see any Hobbits, Dwarves, Gnomes, or Thieves. Instead, I've hit Barbarians (most dangerous) three times and Mercenaries (second most dangerous) once. And no, not going out at night. I want to give myself at least a chance of surviving.

That's basically it. In the beginning of the game you are short on money so getting enough to afford all the best equipment at Garth's is a priority. If you are lame, you can keep recruiting new characters, taking their gold, then deleting them. But that's less fun and a bit slower because at least I have three guys who have been in every fight so they are gaining experience. Grissom is especially important because once your Conjurer reaches level 3, the game becomes much easier.

Oh Doctor Orpheus! You were too young to die! And too fast to live!

and too easy to kill...