4x4 = -wait, what's the title? Let's Play Ganbare Goemon 3!

I'd play this game...

Well, don't get me wrong -- it still looks fun. But everything about your writeup says "rushed production" to me.

Well that I can agree with. I don't know anything about the game's actual production, but I wouldn't be at all surprised.

In fact, spoiler alert, next update will add even more weight to that theory.

They made quite a few of these, so it wouldn't surprise me if the later ones got rushed out.

Howdy folks! Welcome back to Let’s Play Ganbare Goemon 3! I got a bit ahead of schedule again this week, so we have another update already!

We just finished up in the Karakuri Hot Springs and got our fourth Code Plate. There’s still four more to go, however, so let’s get started on that.


Future Overworld

Checking the map, we can see there’s still two more indicators off to the west. One of them is just outside of Yukinko Town, (which I not-so-subtly avoided two updates ago) so let’s go check that one out now.



It’s a quick run back to town from the Hot Springs, and from there we just head left from the crossroads.



At the end of a brief path is a pool, and once we approach it something starts to surface. Is it an enemy? Another of Juurokubei’s henchmen?



…is it a weird Water Imp/Kappa? Yeah, it’s that one. It pops out of the water just long enough to ask for a cucumber and then disappears back under the surface.

Well we have some Cucumber Seeds, but the Imp wants the real thing. He’ll only take an actual cucumber, not the potential of one.

Incidentally, this is another sequence that may be familiar to those of you that played the N64 game, where you had to fetch a cucumber for an Imp near the end of the game to get the final plot macguffin. Sadly, the one here does not come with a charmingly upbeat theme music. Bummer.



Well since we can’t do anything at that location, all that’s left is the indicator that’s in the region of the map we have yet to explore. The only logical way this area can be breached, though, is through that tunnel that the miners have been working on since we arrived in the future. But there’s no way they’re conveniently done with it now, is there?



Spoilers: They’re totally done.


Karakuri Park

And here we are, the final area of the game: Karakuri Park. The Bath-loving Omikuji from the last update mentioned this place before he fled, as the name would suggest it’s the main base of the Band of Mechanical (Karakuri) Thieves. (I could just call it Mechanical Park, I guess, but I think Karakuri Park works better as a name for an area and it’s my LP so there)

I also like how the music in this place calls back to the Village theme for a bit.

Anyway, as we head north from the entrance a totally-not-suspicious bird flies overhead. There’s an NPC house in the middle of this plaza-type place, which we ignore, and the three shops (Travel Center, Item Store, Inn) all lined up north of it.


Futuristic Store

I enter the Item Store and purchase the one mysterious new item on the right for 300 Ryo. It’s ‘Aburage’,which I think is some kind of deep-fried tofu. You’d think it would be another food-item that’s the next level of Riceball, but it’s actually needed for progression.


Karakuri Park

It’s bait for the bird we saw earlier. As soon as we exit the shop after purchasing it the bird swoops down and picks us up (Walker and all, must be one strong bird) and flies around with us to the south.



In our little flyover we can see a group of barrels blocking the stairs leading to this area. The bird ditches us in a little alcove and flies off, presumably with the fried tofu.



Our immediate goal is to hit that button which causes the barrels to explode. Now we can go back and forth through this area without needing to call the bird-taxi.

Also it just dawned on me that I never showed off what happens when you fall in a pit on the overworld, mainly because there’s so few of them (and all of them only exist for the Chain Pipe) but you get a cute falling animation when you step into one. Fortunately you don't take any damage for it.



I could explore the upper area of Karakuri Park, but I want to do a few more things in the lower area first, starting with hitting the Inn and restoring my hearts.



Then I head a bit west from the main entrance and then south. After zigzagging between some mechanical things I come across this hut.



Just outside of the hut is an NPC, and a rather familiar-looking sign! Hey, it’s our field from Ninnin Village!

Gardener: Oh, I've been waiting for you! You own this field! In the olden days this area was called Ninnin Village, I've been protecting this field for you. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be able to meet you! Oh! The Water Imp's favorite food is the Bio Cucumber! Should I plant the seed?
>Do it!
Gardener: Well, I'll take this seed and put it in the field.

...Bio Cucumber, huh? Ok then.



The guy plants the seed for us.

Gardener: Oh, I'm so sorry, but I'd like to see this happen quickly here. I have a house in the north. I'd like you to go there and try flipping the new Growth Switch. Please do this for me.

So we have to go flip a switch to make a plant grow? Well I've heard of weirder hoops video games have made us jump through.

Incidentally, the field will still be here even if you don’t complete the item trade chain in the Past, it just won’t have the sign. I think the guy will also charge you for planting the Cucumber as well in that case, but don’t quote me on it. I only ever failed to complete the first item trade chain on my first play through over ten years ago and I can’t remember exactly what he does in that case, and this isn’t the type of thing I can easily test without replaying the whole game.



Anyway, head north from the field until you reach his… house? Well, it looks like a normal house on the inside.

Administrator: Oh! An errand from the Gardener? Okay, I'll turn the Growth Switch on for you. You should hurry back to the field.



Before we head back south though be sure and continue going north from here a bit, down a narrow path. At the end is another underground room which has one final Crazy Fortune Cat Lady.

One more Fortune Cat to go!



Then I return to the field and get my Cucumber on!

Gardener: Oh, I've been waiting. I harvested it for you, a splendid Bio Cucumber! As expected it was ready almost instantly thanks to the growth machine! Oh look at the brilliant yellow, it looks so delicious. Please take it.
Narrator: Goemon and his allies obtained a Bio Cucumber. The Cucumbers of the future are yellow!

…Wow, that IS a yellow-ass cucumber. Ok then.



We could return to the Imp right now, but I’ll save that for a bit because reasons. For now, let’s return to the upper area of Karakuri Park and see what awaits us.

For now, just a twisty-turny path.



Eventually I cross a walkway back over the lower area and move on to the north, eventually coming to a building with a fierce Hannya mask over the doorway. This is also where the last known indicator for a Code Plate is on the map, and is as far as we can go in Karakuri Park. Looks like it’s time for the next stage!


Stage 8, Hannya Stronghold

It is indeed! Stage 8 is the Hannya Stronghold, and right away I’m getting flashbacks to Stage 6. Mostly due to the music, which aside from the opening bit is essentially identical to the Stage 6 theme.

The map also reveals that, like Stage 6, it’s super short. It basically exists for a boss fight.

I need to bring my Walker inside though so I hit the button that opens the gate, which lets me take it in.



The whole reason to bring in the Walker, by the way? To destroy these gelatinous blocks. That’s all. I can’t even take it beyond there. Since you can’t even access Karakuri Park until you clear Stage 7 it feels kind of odd, as if they meant for the world to be more open. If you could enter this part of the game beforehand then it might explain why this obstacle is here, it would mean you couldn’t enter until you actually got the Ice power for the Walker. But otherwise, it just feels like busy work.

There’s not even any unique enemies in here, at least Stage 6 had Flutters. Oh well!



Abandoning our Walker, we drop down the hole and land straight into a boss arena. The boss says a thing, probably taunting us, and we begin!


Twin Hannya: A pair of robotic Hannya faces attached to the walls of the main chamber, the Twin Hannya assault any intruders with various fire and ice attacks, as well as occasional lightning. Their only weaknesses are the colored lasers which periodically shoot down from the ceiling, and with no way to reflect them at the Twin Hannya they are effectively invincible. Unfortunately for them, the maintenance crew have a habit of leaving behind their angular mirror. That’s something of an issue.


Boss Battle

When the fight starts the faces start moving up and down their respective walls opposite one another, and the laser cannon in the ceiling moves back and forth, occasionally firing off a colored laser.

The goal of the fight is to stand under the laser while holding the mirror object found on the ground and reflecting the laser at one of the faces. The Blue Face is weak to the Red Laser, and the Red Face is weak to the Blue Laser, as you might expect. Which way the laser is deflected depends on your position while standing under it, and you only get a split second to react when the laser is fired to move to the proper side to send it the way you want. Note what I did in the final image there is the WRONG thing to do.

Also if you don't reflect the laser at all it hits the ground and explodes and you'll take damage if you're standing too close. So if you ever chicken out and decide not to reflect a laser for whatever reason make sure you get away from the blast zone.



Hitting one of the Twin Hannya with a laser that matches their color empowers it instead of damages it. The Blue face spits out an ice-wave attack that gets progressively wider the farther it travels, so you want to get as close as possible to the face to dodge it more easily.

Occasionally throughout the fight both faces will stop and you’ll see an orb of lightning charging on the tips of their horns. That’s your cue to get to a safe spot to dodge the lightning attack. There’s two main patterns I’ve observed, and I believe they’re dependent on how high the faces are right before they activate this attack. When they’re higher on the screen, like as shown above, the save spots are just to the left or right of the center of the room. I overshot it a bit.



Hit the faces with the opposite colored laser and they take damage. As the fight progresses they take on a progressively more damaged appearance, losing more and more of their paint job in the process. By the time each one looks almost completely grey they are about defeated.

Fortunately they do not actually get healed by absorbing a same-colored laser, that might make the fight last forever as it is REALLY easy to mess up. Avoiding their supercharged attack isn’t terribly difficult so the punishment for messing up is fairly light.



You can see the Red Head’s supercharged attack above, it fires out bouncing fire balls as if they were some kind of Italian Plumber. The safe spot here depends on the vertical level of the head when it starts firing, but it’s not too hard to suss out.



So when it comes right down to it the only real difficult thing about the fight is being in the right position to reflect the laser properly. Keep in mind that carrying an object like the mirror slows down your character’s walking speed quite a bit.



Here’s the second lighting attack pattern, which you see when the heads are a bit lower on the screen compared to the above shot. The safe spot here is dead center, so that’s easy enough.



And that’s basically how the fight goes. There really aren’t any more surprises, so it’s just a matter of executing it properly.

Though here’s a shot of the Blue Head’s supercharged attack a bit farther along so you can see how wide it can get. It’s much better to either duck under it or jump over it closer to the head than risk not having any way to dodge it on the other side of the room.

And also another shot of Red Head’s supercharged attack since I got those images right after it so why not?



Once their paint is all stripped off and the look sufficiently Terminator-ish they’re about one hit from defeat. Red Head is the first to go, smoking then exploding after being hit by its last Blue Laser.



Blue Head follows right behind it, and that’s the end of this boss.


Fanfare

For our troubles we get our fifth Code Plate! The real 'Tsu' and not the smaller one that means something else entirely! And as you might expect, another visit from one of the Omikuji Siblings!


The Omikuji Siblings

Omikuji: The 5 Omikuji Siblings' robot expert, Kyo, is here!
Goemon: One after another, how many of you are there?!
Omikuji: There is a reason we say '5 Omikuji Siblings'! (laugh track)
Ebisumaru: Are you sure you're not all just one person?
Sasuke: Come to think of it they never appear more than one at a time...
Yae: It's a shame we can't see the 5 Hooded Halfwits at the same time... (laugh track)
Omikuji: Grrr, g-give back the Code Plates you collected, return them immediately!
Goemon: What the hell are you talking about? We can't get into your base without them!
Omikuji: Well so be it! I'll show you how strong we really are! You can test our real strength. Unite, brothers, in the Giant Lottery Robot! Come!
(Boom!)
Omikuji: Ka ka ka ka ka ka! Be afraid, very afraid! I'll be boarding immediately to destroy all of you! Farewell!

Whoa, this one ignited the arrow in his hat, we haven’t seen one of them get that pissed in a while. And 'Giant Lottery Robot' huh?



Ebisumaru: G-Goemon! What are we gonna do?
Goemon: Hmph, it's settled! You know what to do. Regarding the giant approaching robot... run away everybody! (laugh track)
Sasuke: What good is running away going to do? (laugh track)
Yae: Goemon, this is no time for jokes. (laugh track)
Goemon: S-sorry about that. Well I changed my mind, let's go!

Welp! That was sudden! Looks like we’re heading into another Impact sequence! Let’s start up the theme music and prepare the Destruction Sequence and---


Impact Boss

--uhhhh, nevermind! We’re jumping right into the boss fight! No destruction sequence, not even a boarding sequence! The Omkuji Siblings must be SERIOUS BUSINESS.

Snrk.

Kyo: Wa ha ha, aren't you surprised?
Kichi: Until now you idiots have been cruelly teasing us.
Shokichi: But not anymore, that won't happen again!
Chukichi: We will give you plenty of parting gifts for the way you've treated us!
Daikichi: The 5 Omikuji Siblings of Love and Justice!
Kyo: Time to play the Deluxe Lottery!

You might recognize their robot as the same one that chased us all the way back when we saved Sasuke and Yae from prison. It’s honestly kind of looks like one of the Omikuji guys is cosplaying as The Shredder…



Anyway the Omikujizord attacks swiftly, and wastes no time at the start of the fight getting a quick hit in.

It’s been awhile since we had an Impact boss fight, and even longer since we had one against another moving target seeing as our last one was against the Dam. Much like the Bismaru Elegant, the best time to deal a lot of damage against this boss is when it gets up close. In this guy’s case it’s when it does this exact attack (which, admittedly, I wasn’t ready for this time). When that happens you want to combo it with some quick punches then follow up with a strong punch. I’ll get around to that next time, promise.



And like most other Impact bosses it loves to span colorful projectiles. They can be either shot out of the air or punched out of the air, and they award us with extra Ryo if we need it.

Incidentally, since there was no Destruction Sequence we didn’t get a chance to actually earn anything for this fight, so the game starts us off with an even 500 Energy, 300 Ryo, and two Pipe Bombs. More than what we need.



Omukujizinger will also occasionally jump way back in the distance, when it does this it fires a red hologram of itself at you, which you need to punch to destroy. It hurts quite a bit if you don't!

Eventually, after another flurry of projectiles, it moves in close for another attack and I get it with a combo.

God I love its expression upon taking damage, the bug eyes are just so goofy.



I decide to go ahead and use a Pipe Bomb, though I really don’t need it (spoiler: I don’t use another). The Omikujitron decides to retaliate with a swift kick to the face from a distance, a strong punch can knock the attack away.



It tries again, and gets a glancing blow. Hey, have you ever tried punching away an extendo-foot?



It comes in close again and suffers another combo from Impact’s fists, and I also get a perfectly timed shot of Impact uppercutting the Omikujicrotch.



Its other main attack in the fight is this roulette-looking thing, the 'Deluxe Lottery'. You punch it, it stops on a color, and Omikuji Prime attacks accordingly. You only have to worry about the roulette landing on the skull icon, if that happens the boss becomes really fast and invincible for a few moments. It basically takes that opportunity to shred you, so watch out for it.



Here it is in action. You can punch it to knock it away, but it just gets right back up in your face. It lasts for several seconds and if you're not able to punch it away each time it will take off a huge chunk of your health.

Also, if you happen to lose against this boss the Omikuji Siblings taunt you with the roulette wheel one last time, which always lands on skull.



For posterity's sake, here's what happen if you game over in an Impact battle. You get a view of the earth as a giant mushroom cloud shaped like Impact's head appears. Game Over.

Getting a Game Over outside of an Impact battle just results in a black screen with the same text. Nowhere near as interesting.



The other point of interest on the roulette wheel is the symbol opposite the skull. If you happen to land on this you shoot out a free pipe bomb. Score!

The other colored sections just result in the boss using one of its other attacks, I don't think they're tied to a specific color at all from what I was able to test.



In this case it just sends out a line of projectiles which I take care of with some punches.

Mobile Suit Omikuji gets in close one more time, sealing its fate. I slam it with another quick punch combo and follow up with a strong punch and put it down.



Kyo: Argh! Your strength is the real deal!
Kichi: Until now, we've always been the allies of justice!
Shokichi: But we have to trust Lord Juurokubei to take care of that now!
Chukichi: We are retiring, naturally.
Daikichi: We will return to being the Poor Storytelling Siblings! If you'd like to see us you're all invited. Well that's it from us!



The 5 Omikuji Siblings explode along with their robot, and their roulette wheel sadly bounces away offscreen.


Karakuri Park

Goemon: Phew! I'm surprised that they were so hard to handle.
Yae: Their base's door must be to the north!
Sasuke: Now we just have to find the remaining Code Plates and insert them properly into the door.
Goemon: Okay, let's go!



We could end things there, but before I finish with this update, let’s quickly run back to the Water Imp and hand over the cucumber, maybe then I can find out where the last two Code Plates are.


Future Overworld

So let’s hand over some produce.

Kihachi: I am Kihachi the Water Imp! Please remember that from now on. Oh! You have my favorite food, the Bio Cucumber! I want to eat that! Hey, what do you say?
>Well okay.
Kihachi: Seriously?! You'll let me have it? Thank you, I can't wait to eat it! Mmmm, delicious. Oy, I'll give you my doorstops as a present! Later!
Narrator: Goemon and his allies obtained Kihachi's doorstops. ...??? They're actually Code Plates! The group obtained 3 Code Plates!

...Uh.


Fanfare

Uh….

W-welp! That’s all 8! We started this update with four, and now all of a sudden we’re done! The Water Imp just happened to have three of them!

Maybe they were poking fun at the idea of collecting a whole bunch of macguffins, they could have easily just had six, or even five and cut the Water Imp out entirely, but this is what they decided to go with. Or maybe the game really was rushed in some respects.

But, either way, we have all the Code Plates! All that remains now is to explore the northern area of Karakuri Park and locate Juurokubei’s stronghold!

Tune in next time for the penultimate update!

I'm surprised no one else thought of this : Legend of the Mystical Ninja of Zelda.

FYI "Omikuji" is a kind of fortunetelling paper sold at shinto shrines, each one tells how much you're fortunate now and in near future overall along with more detailed explanation of how your fate is going to in ways such as love, job, money.
These 5 names of Omikuji siblings are taken from the overall fortunes written on them:
Daikichi = very lucky
Kichi = lucky
Chukichi = somewhat lucky
Shokichi = little bit lucky
Kyo = unlucky

The symbol is a kanji "当" which means WIN

Oh cool, I figured there must have been some other meaning behind their names but I never knew the connection.

Anyway. LP Time? LP Time.

We’re approaching the end of Ganbare Goemon 3, you guys. One more update after this one. But let’s not start worrying about the end, yet, first we need to get there!


Karakuri Park

Last time the game trolled us quite a bit by handing over three Code Plates at once via Water Imp at the end of the item trade chain that I was working on all game. That, along with the one we got from the Hannya Stronghold, meant we got the entire second half of Code Plates in one update.

Whether this is a cheeky jab at collectable macguffins in general or just another symptom of the game probably being rushed, I can’t say. No reason it can’t be both, though!

The map now shows an indicator at the very top left, so that must be our destination. Since it’s at the end of this entire region, which was the last part of the map we opened up, it only makes sense I guess and I’d head there anyway even without the indicator.



From the Hannya Stronghold the path eventually takes me over the home of the Crazy Fortune Cat Lady from the last update and onward into the northern area of Karakuri Park.



There’s a couple of staircases leading upward between a few pits. I head to the one furthest to the right.



From there I cross another walkway and then down the stairs to its left.



After crossing one chain pipe pit I immediately go north, crossing another. The path south from there just leads to a dead end.

I can spot a house just to my right, but I can’t reach it from here.



After moving up another screen I jump down from the upper ledge and move around towards the house to the right.

The giant flamethrower in the middle image will be relevant in a moment.


A Challenge for Power

Inside the house we find a Trainer Dude, complete with the same BGM accompanying all Trainer Dudes. He’s not here to give me a new ability or anything though, he’s here to hand over the final Fortune Cat of the game!

I’m not really sure why they’re breaking of the tradition of ‘Fortune Cat Lady living in a hole’ here by having the last one be given out by a Trainer Dude, but whatever! We now have a full health bar!

And more importantly, with all the Fortune Cats gotten we’ll get a little something extra in the next update. You’ll just have to wait till then.


Karakuri Park

Just one final look at the item subscreen, we got all the things in the game.

You might notice that Yae never got an upgrade to her main weapon like the other three characters, and that’s kind of a shame. The only thing she obtains in the whole game is the Mermaid Transformation and that happens so soon after getting her she might as well have started with that too. She’s basically static after that while all the others get super Hula Hoops and Hookshots and tree-exploding kunai and shrinking magic and goddamn Super Saiyan transformations. Poor Yae. At least she’ll always have her badass Ninja Run.

Anyway. The Flamethrower. It’s simple enough, you just have to smack it once and it stops spewing fire for a moment. You have to move quickly after that because I mean it when I said it only stops for a moment. I wastes no time starting up again so you have to book it.



As I move back down to the fork in the path I crossed earlier I spot another one on the upper level.



I run into it almost immediately. This one operates the same way, but since I’m approaching it from the fire-spewing side I need to use a long-range attack to shut it off. This makes the timing to sneak by the fire even tighter.



After the flamethrower I reach the upper part of the map and can see a neat cityscape in the background. Considering its distance that must mean we’ve been off in the outskirts this whole time.

I pass by one final Bimmy Walker on the way down before turning back up on the next screen and approaching… an odd blue thing!

This is where the indicator on the map is, by the way.



Yae: Do you suppose this is the door to the base the Hooded Halfwits were talking about?
Goemon: This is just a glass ornament!
Sasuke: No, I'm guessing this is a very complicated device.
Ebisumaru: Eh? You think so?
Goemon: Well if you say so, I guess I have to agree with you.
Sasuke: I think we have to set the Code Plates in these dents correctly.
Goemon: Oh, that's too much trouble! Let's just destroy it!
Yae: Wait! Attacking it recklessly could be dangerous!
Sasuke: Insert the code plates!

So the entrance to Juurokubei’s hideout is a glass ornament with a pair of bunny girl statues sitting on it? Are we sure this isn’t just McGuiness again?

Anyway, as you might have guessed when you saw that the Code Plates all had Japanese hiragana on each of them, we have to put them in the correct order to form a word or phrase. From 1-8 they are Ni, Ra, Na, Little Tsu, Tsu, Ki, Ha, and Chi. What’s the correct order?



3, 6, 4, 5, 2, 1, 7, 8. Or, Nakittsura ni hachi, which I think is a Japanese proverb that roughly translates to ‘A Bee Sting on a Crying Face’, which more or less means ‘one bad thing after another’. Odds are good some NPC somewhere in the world fills you on in this, but all you really need to remember is the proper order.

Ebisumaru: I don't think anything's happening...
(Rumble!)
Goemon: Oh crap! We're in big trouble here!



Unfortunately it looks like it was a trap all along and our heroes plummet to their untimely death.

And this is the 1000th image too, by the by. A fitting end. LP over!



Yeah I can’t even pretend to make that a thing. They’re fine, you know they’re fine. As it just so happens they have something of a universal instafix for these sorts of situations…

But wouldn’t you know it, once again the game robs us of the Impact boarding sequence. Well nerts to that, nerts I say! I’ll just mentally splice it in…

Much better. Moving on!


Starting Up...

This time we DO get a destruction sequence, though, the last one of the game. So it’s fitting we’re using it to march straight up to Juurokubei’s stronghold.

Ebisumaru: Whew! Just in the nick of time!
Goemon: The Triton Shell... no, Impact saved us!
Yae: It seems like the Code Plates were a trap set up by the Omikuji Siblings.
Sasuke: I never would have expected those idiots to put that much thought into something like this.
Goemon: All right! Enough talk! We have to hurry and march into the base of the enemy to rescue Omitsu and the Wise Ol' Man from their clutches!
Sasuke: Let's go, let's go!

I’m not quite sure I buy that the Omikuji Siblings set us up all along, they seemed pretty sincere in wanting the Code Plates back. Also they’re a pack of morons.

However, I absolutely CAN buy Juurokubei setting us up via setting them up, ie: he told them the Plates were super important but wanted them to fall in our hands the entire time just so he could get us with that pit trap when we plugged them in. Sneaky.


Impact Goes to Battle!

Anyway, this Destruction Sequence plays much like the last two. March forward, destroy enemies, avoid as much damage as possible and get a high enough score to entire the upcoming boss fight with as many benefits as possible.



The flying heads behave in much the same way as most of the other flying enemies in previous Destruction Sequences, coming in from off screen and flying in a sine wave. We also get the jerks sitting in the foreground layer and needing to be hit with Impact’s Nasal Medal while turning his head.



New to this sequence are these multi-head contraptions. They are some major damage sponges and take a lot of hits to destroy. The heads are destroyed one by one as it takes more damage, which is a neat touch.



As this is the final Destruction Sequence and we’re approaching the end of the game, this one cranks up the difficulty a bit by throwing more of those damage-soaking heads at you along with a pair of foreground jerks.

Most of the multi-head enemies get right up on my face before I get to destroy them and I wind up taking quite a bit of damage by the end of this Destruction Sequence.



It doesn’t help that many of these enemies often appear too high up on the screen to hit with standard punches. They can only be punched via uppercut, which requires them to be pretty close, so I’m left wasting Nasal Medals on them while they’re approaching.



From there it’s just a steady stream of jerks, there’s really no lull in the onslaught until you reach the end. Compared to the others which did have some slow moments here and there, this one at least succeeds at feeling like you’re marching up to the enemy’s door.



At the end I get some energy and Ryo as always, and three whole Pipe Bombs!


Impact Boss

Before we can go any further, a Giant Robot Lion leaps around the screen and stands in our way. Is this the main guard of Juurokubei’s stronghold or something?



Nnnnope, it’s the big man himself! AND his magnificent eyebrows!

Juurokubei: You've come at last! But we've only been fooling around until now! Now, we start getting serious! Do you honestly expect to win against the great Juurokubei? Hmhm, we'll see about that! Mechanical Formation 16, go!

So we finally come face to face with Juurokubei himself. We don’t often see the bad guy ride out to meet the heroes when he could just hunker down in the depths of his fortress, so props for that.

Also another nod to the number pun in his name (In case you have forgotten, Shishi Juurokubei = 4 4 16 ....bei.)



So the fight starts and—WHOA JEEZ!

The Lionbot immediately lunges at Impact, and after jumping all the way in the distance when the fight started too. That’s, uh, some impressive reach.



After we knock it away, Juurokubei sics one of the two robots floating around his Mech at us. We’ll call them his ‘Options’. It belches fire at us at a pretty fast rate, which we rapid-punch to get some more Ryo.



After that, as if it still had something to prove, the Mech starts dashing wildly all around the boss arena. It’s basically impossible to hit during this unless you’re willing to waste a Pipe Bomb.



Eventually it gets sick of flying all over the goddamn place and dives in for another attack.

No, Juurokubei, not the head bite!

Another series of punches sends it back into the distance, and we get hit with some more fire.



I’m not quite sure what those things ARE, exactly, they look like they have little lion heads but with long slender bodies. They could probably each form the arms on some giant combination robot, but I doubt we’ll be seeing something like THAT.

Juurokubei flies around the screen leading into another attack. I wonder how dizzy he gets while doing that, he must be fastened to his seat REALLY well. Safety first, after all.



He spends a random amount of time flying around the area, though, so he caught me off guard here when he started biting.



So I panic and hit the Pipe Bomb button. Hey I’m sure you’d do anything to get that thing off your face too.

Once Juurokubei’s Lion Mech dips under 400 health the battle stops for a moment as we get some more dialogue.



Juurokubei: Ack, that was too simple for you! I should give you a prize! Time for a different formation: Shishi Juurokubei's Dangerous Special!

'Dangerous Special'? Well, that doesn’t sound good.



Ooooooh crap.

That thing actually looks kind of badass. We might be in trouble here.



Juurokubei: There! I'm so sharp and handsome, it's terrifying, don't you think? Shishi Juurokubei should win now, here I go!

Yeah, you might, dude! Can I get a rain check?



Juurokubei draws his giant swords and approaches. Our whole adventure might come to an end here at the hands of this badass giant robot and—hey is that Bismaru’s pod?



…

Pfffffffffffhahahahahahahahahaha!



Juurokubei: Augh! Bismaru, you're getting in the way of my coolness and interfering with my big scene! (laugh track)
Bismaru: L-lord Juurokubei! How can you talk like that? This is a union of love! Now, let us proceed with the power of two people's true love! (laugh track)
Juurokubei: Arrrgh, my big scene....! (laugh track)

Snort… Ok, whew. Nevermind you guys, I think we can take this thing.



The Juurokumaru (Bismakubei?) starts off the fight fairly close so I immediately take advantage of that and open with a quick punch combo.

And yes, the robot keeps the Bismaru Elegant’s massive tears upon being hit.



Despite its goofy face, though, those swords are no joke and they will wreck your day if you let them.

The Bisrokumaru also keeps the fire attack from the previous form, though it spews out much more rapidly now, more akin to a flamethrower. It can still be rapid-punched for Ryo but you’re more likely to take a hit as a few slip by between punches.



The other big attack of the Juusmarbei is this spinning sword strike. It spins its two swords together, ignites them, and fires them right at Impact. Hurts a lot, and you need to knock it back with a fully powered Strong Punch, a weaker punch won't be enough.



I fail to knock it away and it tears off a full 90 energy from Impact, leaving me with 1. And I don’t know how much confidence you guys had in me but, uh, 1 energy isn’t going to cut it.

Do-Over!



After re-fighting the Lion I start the second phase again, but my energy is still pretty low. Hopefully I can pull it off.



After a few lucky punch combos I interrupt the Juubisrokumarubei’s more troublesome attacks with my reserved Pipe Bombs which lets me avoid some hard to defend damage while also tearing up its own energy.



In fact I use my final one just to bring it to a point where one final combo would finish it off.



It uses its spinning sword attack one final time, but now I’m ready with the Strong Punch.



It dashes up to attack but gets immediately combo’d for its efforts, which brings the fight to an end.

Juurokubei & Bismaru: Owowowowow! Yeeouch! Hot hot! Gaaaah!

The game doesn't clarify who is crying out there, but I like to think it's both of em.



Juurokubei: Damn it, Bismaru! If you hadn't come, I would have won!
Bismaru: Lord Juurokubei! Talking about the past like that isn't going to change anything! First of all, the old man is still our hostage in the building...
Juurokubei: Oh, that's right!
Goemon: What?! The Wise Ol' Man? Get ready for one more punch! Uppercut!


Approaching the Final Battle

One quick uppercut takes care of them for the time being, now we have to locate that building they were talking about.

Fortunately, a convenient camera pan to the right shows us it was just out of our field of view the entire time.



Goemon: This must be the building they were talking about.
Ebisumaru: Wow, that's a huge building!
Sasuke: I can't even guess where the Wise Ol' Man would be in there...
Yae: Leave it to me, I've got a plan! Get Impact's arm in there!
Goemon: If we used Impact's arm we could all get in there!
Yae: Yup! Trust a woman's intuition!
Everyone: Soryaaaaaaaaah!!

Well we need to get inside somehow and ‘Impact punches a giant hole in the wall’ is as good a way as any. Still doesn’t help us actually locate Omitsu or the Wise Ol’ Man inside that giant thing, but hey maybe we’ll get lucky and Impact will just so happen to open up an entrance to the room where we’ll find them?


Attack!

No time to think about it, we’re going for it! Impact dashes forward and punches an opening into the building for us! Knock Knock, Band of Mechanical Thieves! We’re inviting ourselves in!

What will we find inside? Will we save the Wise Ol’ Man and Omitsu? What about Juurokubei’s endgame? Will we discover what the ‘Giant’s Revival’ is all about? Will we ever get Back to the Future Past?

Tune in next time for the final update to find out!

So this is it, folks, the last update of Ganbare Goemon 3. We’ve come a long way in the past four-ish months but we’re finally ready to end things. Let’s save the Wise Ol’ Man and Omitsu and say goodbye to the future world!


Gotcha!

Where we last left off, our heroes decided to use Impact’s fist to make an entrance into Juurokubei’s main building, where they know the Wise Ol’ Man is being kept. With such a huge structure they were probably expecting having to fight through a whole final stage before finding him.

So how lucky they are that they literally land right in the room where he was being held all this time. That was easy!



Goemon: What a strange room...
Wise Ol' Man: Hyahyahyahya! I am a genius, a great genius!
Goemon: W-wise Ol' Man!! Dammit, it seems like you're being manipulated somehow. What happened to you?!

Ooooorrrr not. Looks like Juurokubei had him under some kind of Mind Control. If I had to guess it’s probably the funky piece of head wear he has on. That and the weird face looming in the background.

There’s no way around it folks, we’re gonna have to fight the Wise Ol’ Man!


The Wise Ol’ Man and M.C. Dee Vyse: The Wise Ol’ Man is under Juurokubei’s control! While under the supervision of M.C. Dee Vyse, the Wise Ol’ Man is compelled to do whatever he is told! In this case he was simply told to float around the room, cause the background to rotate around periodically and force junk to fall from the ceiling, and bounce off the walls if M.C. Dee Vyse gets even a scratch. M.C. Dee Vyse, for his part, will occasionally spit lasers at any intruders. They are a great team.


Boss Battle

The battle starts with the Wise Ol’ Man causing the background to rotate around (you’ll see him wave his arms right beforehand), and whenever this happens random pieces of debris will fall from the ceiling.

The debris can take on various forms, but it’s mostly straw dolls and tea kettles that you’re looking out for. When struck these items fly off into the background at a trajectory dependent on which side you struck them. You want to send them straight into M.C. Dee Vyse’s face, so the best strategy in this fight is to pick a corner and stick with it. Hitting a piece of debris from the edges of the room will cause it to go flying towards the center.



M.C. Dee Vyse will also spit lasers at you from time to time, indicated by his eyes flashing red. The explosion that the laser makes upon hitting the ground can also hurt you so you need to move farther from it than you might think.

Every now and then nothing falls from the ceiling that’s of any use, in the last shot here for instance. The item on the left cannot be knocked into the background and is only destroyed upon being hit, and the thing on the right runs around the floor after dropping from the ceiling until destroyed.

It does not get a profile. Its face creeps me out.



The rule of thumb on this fight is to pick a corner and stick with it. Sometimes that means you won’t be in a position to hit a piece of debris but there’s no way to make it to the other side of one in time if you stick around the middle, you’ll just miss every opportunity then.

If you stay committed to a corner then you will gradually do damage to M.C. Dee Vyse, as indicated by his goofy bug eyes.



Every time M.C. Dee Vyse takes damage, though, the Wise Ol’ Man grins and starts bouncing all over the room. With how quickly he ricochets off the walls he’s very hard to avoid, and much like my offensive strategy for this fight I like to just pick a spot and hope for the best. Usually I just duck in the same corner I’m attacking from. I’ll still take a hit now and then, but I’ll also squeak by some cycles unscathed as well.



And this is how the fight goes much of the time. The background rotates, and nothing of use falls. It’s kind of a waiting game.



And sometimes debris will even fall on both sides of the room. That’s the rub with RNG folks.



Finally got a shot of the Wise Ol’ Man’s smirking face which comes before every ‘bounce all over the room’ attack. Though the warning is hardly needed since it always follows you landing a successful hit on M.C. Dee Vyse. Still, it’s a nice touch.

Once M.C. Dee Vyse takes enough damage some 10 Ton weights get mixed in with the falling debris. Quite a lot of them, in fact. This is by far the most dickish part of the fight, but you just have to deal with it. Fortunately being hit by a 10 Ton weight doesn’t hurt any more than being hit by a tea kettle.



Once you hit the 10 Ton weight phase, though, you’re almost done. Another couple of hits and M.C. Dee Vyse explodes, which also causes the Wise Ol’ Man’s hover platform to start to explode. Because science.



It explodes rather violently as it crashes to the ground, actually. But don’t worry, being at the center of a massive explosion only makes one dizzy after all. Because science.


Kidnapped!

Still, Sasuke is understandably concerned.

Sasuke: Wise Ol' Man! Are you alright?
Yae: It seems like the brainwashing mechanism made him that way...
Goemon: He's not gonna wake up for awhile.
Yae: Sasuke and I will take the Wise Ol' Man to a safe place in town. Let's go, Sasuke!
Sasuke: Wise Ol' Man...



Yae and Sasuke pick him up and carry him out, while Goemon and Ebisumaru make their own plans.

Goemon: We should go further inside! ..huh? Ebisumaru, what's wrong?
Ebisumaru: I have a bad feeling about this... (Shudder)
Goemon: Stop complaining! We have to defeat Shishi Juurokubei no matter what!



From here we’re given control again, though it’s kind of pointless. The next room is just an elevator going straight to the top of the tower, and then we’re in cutscene land again.

Almost feels like there was supposed to be an actual final stage here. Oh well!



The music cuts out to some windy ambience once we head outside. Somehow Goemon and Ebisumaru don’t immediately notice the guy nearly double their height standing right in front of them behind Omitsu.

Goemon: Wow, we're really high up!
Ebisumaru: Goemon, that guy's clothes are really loud.
Goemon: Ha! Loud Clothes? What are you, scared? ......huh? Isn't that Omitsu over there? And right next to her... is...

Oh, there they go.


Confronting Juurokubei

Goemon: Ahhh! You're the head of the Band of Mechanical Bandits, Shishi Juurokubei!
Juurokubei: Indeed, now hand over the Triton Shell!
Goemon: What? You have to be kidding! Give back Omitsu!
Juurokubei: Hmhm, I'm acting like a gentleman and you're taking advantage of me.



Ebisumaru: (Goemon, we should pretend to exchange the Triton Shell for Omitsu.)
Goemon: Good thinking, Ebisumaru! Oy, Juurokubei! We'll give you the Triton Shell if you give back Omitsu!
Juurokubei: I understand. On my signal we'll exchange at the same time. Ready, go!

Dangit Goemon, you weren't supposed to actually throw it!



After getting his hands on the Triton Shell, Juurokubei just kind of flies up the screen without any sort of animation. As if he had to go because his planet needed him.

Ebisumaru: Ah! Goemon, Juurokubei...

Well at least Omitsu is alright.

Goemon: Over here, Omitsu!
(Trip)
Goemon: Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-what?!

Raise your hand if you saw that double-cross coming.



Bismaru: Oh thank you, I knew you would help me!
Goemon: You can stop pretending already! Get lost!

Violence against characters we’re not supposed to like is hilarious.



Ebisumaru: Goemon, you actually handed over the Triton Shell?
Goemon: Sorry! It slipped out of my hands! What could he want with the Triton Shell anyway?
Ebisumaru: I wonder if this has anything to do with the Giant God's Revival that the Hooded Halfwits were talking about?
Juurokubei: Bwahahahaha! Fools!

Well this took a turn for the worse rather quick, nice going Goemon.


The Giant God’s Revival

Juurokubei: The real Omitsu is right here! I've got good news for you though, she will be added to my collection of beautiful women! And you, you can keep Bismaru, take good care of her! And now, at last, my great plan for the Giant God's Revival will become a reality! Omitsu, get ready to board the giant of legend! I will smash the rest of you, and become history's champiiiiiioooooooon!

Juurokubei delivers his monologue triumphantly. Looks like he succeeded in reviving his so-called Giant God. Which he needed the Triton Shell for. Because science.



Goemon: Damn it, what's gonna happen now?
Ebisumaru: It won't be good to stay here!
Goemon: But Impact's all the way on the opposite side!
Ebisumaru: This is bad...

Things look grim as lightning starts flashing ominously .That’s never a good sign when it follows a maniacal villainous speech!



Sasuke: Goemon! Ebisumaru! Get in quickly!
Yae: Now we're even for that time you saved us at the prison!

Fortunately after dropping the Wise Ol’ Man off at the safety of the nearby town Yae and Sasuke have the foresight to return with Impact.



(Nom!)

Looks like we’ll be confronting Juurokubei’s ‘Giant God’ head on. Let’s do this!


Title Screen

We get to hear the ominous Title Screen BGM again here (uh, minus the sudden stop), which is a nice touch.

The field of battle is dark at first, but as the lightning flashes we see a silhouette emerge from the darkness. What exactly is Juurokubei’s Giant God?



Of course it’s fucking Impact.

It was always going to be Impact. Ever since it turned out Juurokubei needed the Triton Shell. What else could it be? The only real question is whether or not this is the Future version of Impact that has laid dormant all this time, or a copycat Juurokubei had the Wise Ol’ Man build based on supposed legends from the past. It’s possible the answer is somewhere in the game’s script, but not in the bits I have a translation for so make up your own minds there folks!



Juurokubei: I'm surprised that the legendary Giant God is the spitting image of your robot! The appearance may be tacky, but I'll show you the proof of its true strength! Hold on tight, Omitsu, let's go! Oryaaaaaaaaaaa!

(Y'know it occurs to me that not only is this two games in a row where Impact is the final boss, but it's two games in a row where the villain also drags Omitsu along into the final battle. She should be good and used to Impact's controls by now, you'd think)

Anyway, Juurokubei wastes no time getting down to bid’ness, after insulting Impact’s appearance anyway and implying that this is the future version of Impact, not a copy. To avoid any confusion, I’ll be totally unimaginative and refer to Juurokubei’s Impact as ‘Dark Impact’. Because it’s kind of purple-ish. And purple-ish versions of things are proven to be the evil one. Because science.

However, just as Dark Impact charges us something goes haywire right before he collides with us and everything goes white.



Goemon: Wh-what's going on? I don't understand what's happening!
Ebisumaru: It looks like another Time Warp!
Sasuke: A rejection in Impact's Time Machine circuit must have caused some sort of accident!
Yae: This is gonna hurt...

You know what’s coming.

LET’S DO THE TIME WARP AGAAAAIIIIIIN!


Village

Lord: Every day is so peaceful, I'm getting tired of it!
Princess Yuki: Oh Father, you're so imprudent. Right, Kurobei?
Kurobei: Meow meow!

And we suddenly cut to Lord and Princess Yuki sitting around with Kurobei talking about how gosh darned peaceful it has been lately why I bet nothing will suddenly come along to slap them with a big ol’ dose of irony oh no siree Bob.



(Ruuuuummmmmmmbbbbleeeeeeee)
(CRASH)
Lord: Why does something like this always happen??? (Laugh track)

Womp womp waaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Incidentally, in the opening to Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon just after Oedo Castle was hit by the Instant Stage Beam Ebisumaru comments on how it has been a nightmare for them lately and this is probably exactly what he was talking about. It’s fine though, they still have half the castle.


Final Battle

Alright enough shenanigans, you see the BGM title there, it’s time for the FINAL BATTLE!

You might also recognize the BGM as being almost identical to the standard Impact Boss theme from the last game. They probably are virtually identical, but there are a few subtle differences to my ears when I listen to the SPCs side by side. Might be due to slightly different soundfonts or something, I don’t know enough about these things to say for sure. That plus the remix that appeared in Jikkyo Oshaberi Parodius makes three times this tune appeared on the SNES.

Re-using the Impact Boss theme from the last game is either super appropriate for a battle between two Impacts, or another symptom of the game being rushed, depending on how cynical you are. Personally, I like the idea of bringing back the tune, but I do wish it were a bit different.

Oh right, Juurokubei said things.

Juurokubei: What the?! This place... My aspirations to see the Edo period have been fulfilled! If you want to destroy such a magnificent castle you're just not normal! Hmhm, so be it! After I destroy you I will claim that castle for myself and return home! You will know the real strength of the Great Juurokubei!



Whoop, and we’re playing the feud! The final battle always begins with Dark Impact doing this spinning dropkick attack we need to knock away with a strong punch, and I fail spectacularly here because my finger slipped while I was trying to get screenshots. I am such a pro LP-er you guys.



Like all Impact bosses, sans the Dam, Dark Impact has a projectile-spam attack and as you might guess it’s a dark (purple) colored version of the Nasal Medals. These are probably the most rapid Impact Boss projectiles in the game so whether or not you punch them or shoot them down a few are bound to sneak by anyway.



Dark Impact tries another spinning dropkick, but this time I’m ready with a fully charged Strong Punch. However he follows this up with a Strong Punch of his own. I need to counter it with another Strong Punch, fortunately it doesn’t need to be fully charged to deflect it.



More projectile spam, more kicks, more punches, the battle goes like this for a bit…



Uh, whoops! Looks like I let him get the better of me! This is a hard battle, appropriately enough. No matter, do-over!

This time when he starts the battle with his spinning drop kick I’m ready with my fists, and I even follow it up with a Pipe Bomb just to keep the pressure on.



Of course, you really didn’t think this fight was going to end without Dark Impact using a Pipe Bomb of his own, did you?



Here’s the thing about Dark Impact’s Pipe Bombs: They crazy easy to deal with. You can just press L or R, depending on which side the bomb lands, to raise your guard and deflect the explosion. It barely does like 20 damage when you do this. To think all those Impact Bosses we were fighting could have guarded against our most powerful attack just by raising an arm at the right time…

Of course, I actually fail to properly guard in the first image. See when I took my screenshot the emulator forgot I was holding a button so my guard went down just as it decided to check whether or not I was guarding to calculate the damage so I took the full brunt of it. D’oh!

Even worse, Dark Impact uses another one shortly thereafter. Unlike me, he doesn’t seem to have a limited supply.



The other thing you can do to negate Dark Impact’s Pipe Bombs is to use one of your own. It doesn’t matter if he gets his off first, it doesn’t even matter if his is right about to explode, once you fire yours off it cannot hurt you until your Pipe Bomb finishes exploding.

Of course, I mess up again anyway and take another loss. Juurokubei is so much better at piloting his Impact than I am, apparently!



The third match goes by much more smoothly with not much else to show, besides this: One function of Impact that I never showed in this whole LP was the OTHER charging bar. The bar on the top left side of the screen which auto-charges during the fight is for the Strong Punch, as I mentioned back in the Bismaru Elegant fight, but you may have noticed another bar on the top right which stays empty. If you hold down the button for the Nasal Medals it charges up, and unleashing it fires out a circular volley of Medals. I personally find it kind of useless and I prefer just waiting for Impact Bosses to come in close and hit em with a punch combo. But in Dark Impact’s case I don’t get those opportunities nearly as often, if at all, so the Nasal Barrage (as I call it) can be kind of useful in this fight. I especially like to use it to interrupt his own Nasal Medal volley, assuming I have it fully charged when he starts, since it will cut through all of his own projectiles and damage him, stopping his attack.



Dark Impact’s other main attack is this rushing charge where he delivers a flurry of punches. This needs to be Strong Punched away, you’ll take massive damage otherwise. I do so and deliver one final Pipe Bomb to end the fight.

Full Disclosure: There is a way for your Impact to do this attack as well, I’ve seen it in some speedrun videos. But I have no idea how to do it, there’s little documentation for the game out there. It’s probably some button combination, maybe health or Ryo dependent, but I can’t find it anywhere. So I guess I can’t show you EVERYTHING the game has to offer, but I’m sure I’ll forgive myself.



Juurokubei: Damn you!

Dark Impact begins exploding, and our villain spits out one final curse.

.....oh wait, Omitsu's on that thing too isn't she? Uh...



Dark Impact makes one final futile effort to charge us, but blows to bits right before getting in range.

Huh, is some kind of predestination paradox? Did we just witness Impact's ultimate destruction, at the hands of itself? Deep. Heavy and deep.

Oh also a thing flew out of Impact right before it went kablooie. But that's probably nothing at all to worry about and Juurokubei is defeated forever.


Approaching the Final Battle

Juurokubei: Gahahahahahaaaaa!

Goddammit.



Juurokubei: You cannot defeat the Great Juurokubei! Unfortunately, that's just the way it is. I suppose I've really made you angry this time! And now, I will certainly defeat you after I unleash Shishi Juurokubei's Mechanical Manji---



Juurokubei: ---Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooold......

So, what happened there? Juurokubei had us right where he wanted us, and was apparently about to use some sort of convoluted wrestling maneuver (I think that's what 'Hold' means in this context) to defeat Impact while being latched onto its face. Buuuuut he happened to park himself right on front of Impact's nose, and gave Goemon and pals ample time to just kind of shoot him off of there with some Nasal Medals.

That's right. The entire subtitle of the game (see first post) was all to set up a joke where the villain gets defeated because he talks too long.

It's also a bit tricky to see but the pose Juurokubei is in as he goes flying off into the distance kind of resembles a Manji as well. I assume that's the pose he was taking as he was grabbing onto Impact, which is probably why he calls it a 'Manji Hold'.

And NOW we're entering into bonus content. This following scene only happens if you collect all of the Fortune Cats in the game.

Goemon: Damn it, where did Omitsu go?

Yeah she's probably fine and being in the exploding giant robot, Goemon, I bet she was able to leap out of there as easily as Juurokubei did (spoilers: she's fine, it's not even a thing)

However before Goemon can go looking for here, an ominous blue portal suddenly appears in front of him.


Extra Final Boss: Kabuki Forever

Kabuki: Guhahahahaha! It's been a long time, Goemon! It is I! Kabuki returns to you! I, the great Mechanical Bodyguard, have been reborn after suffering defeat at your hands so many times before! I may have used a lot of tricks in the past, but you can see what I am now! They call me Kabuki Forever! Goemon! I swear I will defeat you, get ready!

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's Kabuki!

What, you don't remember?

'Dis guy.

Interesting observation, which I only made recently, in the last game when you re-fight Kabuki in the bonus stage the girl at the Virtual Hell entrance comments "Kabuki Returns??". At first I thought she was just surprised he came back, but I think that was his official name in Goemon 2. And now he's Kabuki Forever.

Fortunately he doesn't appear in the next game so we never have to see what they would have done with Kabuki & Robin.


Kabuki Forever: The secret bonus boss that only shows up if you get every Fortune Cat in the game. Kabuki has gotten an upgrade from his last appearance, now wielding a pair of giant blades where his arms used to be, as well as periodically belching out a damaging purple mist. His size is his biggest advantage, as his bulk makes him very hard to avoid.



And so the real REAL Final Boss starts. Kabuki's most common attack is to raise his blades menacingly and hop towards you. There's a brief window to crawl under him without taking damage while he's midair but it's really hard to time right and odds are good you're just going to take a lot of damage in this battle. You're not even healed from the battle with the Wise Ol' Man, either! Good thing I have a Rice Ball to fall back on. Unfortunately my helmet does me no good since none of his attacks count as 'projectiles'.

Oh yeah, and remember way back when Goemon got his Sudden Impact power that there was all of one boss in the whole game it was useful to use on?



Let's get all Dragon Ball Z up in here!

It's also important to note that Kabuki can only be damaged by hitting him in his face, hitting him anywhere else on his body does nothing. Goemon is the best one to use in this fight, even without Sudden Impact, due to the reach of his primary weapon.

You can also see his purple mist attack which he horfs out occasionally. It's fairly easy to jump over, and it keeps him in place for a few moments making him an easier target to hit.



Another of Kabuki's attacks is to slide along the ground before swiping downward with his blades and this one is just kind of cheap since you can only really avoid it by already being on the other side of him when he starts it. If you're lucky he won't go the full length of the screen and follow the attack with a hop, where you can sneak under him, but you can't count on that.



Sudden Impact doesn't last super long, and you have to spend 10 scrolls to reactivate it every time. But if you haven't noticed I really haven't been using them to begin with since the only other thing in the game they're used for is Sasuke's special attack which is pretty useless.

I also come quite close to defeat here with only half a heart. Or, I would, if I didn't have that Rice Ball sitting in my inventory.



As you can see, I'm fine. The Rice Ball refills my health entirely, and that's more than enough to outlast Kabuki, even if I tank every one of his attacks with my face.



I could go on, but that's really everything in Kabuki's bag of tricks. Hop. Swipe. Belch. Slide.

I eventually burn through 7 uses of Sudden Impact since only only lasts about 10 seconds and still take quite a bit of damage even after getting my health totally restored by my Most Best Rice Ball, but I still succeed in taking Kabuki Forever down.

Cool to see him again, but he really wasn't much of a final boss. Bonus or otherwise.



Kabuki: Guaargh! I never expected to be beaten again! I'm finished, G-Goemon, but I'm taking you and your descendant Shishi Juurokubei to Hell!
Goemon: What?! Juurokubei is my descendant???
Juurokubei: Honored ancestor, watch out! It's dangerous! Guwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Wait, what the what?

Kabuki hops to your location before exploding (though the explosion comes from the center of the screen regardless so it can look kind of wonky depending on where you are, see above) and even though Juurokubei cried out he doesn't actually visibly come to your rescue.


The Bandit King's Descendant

(This is where the ending would pick up if you DIDN'T get all the Fortune Cats, though the following conversation is obviously quite different without the info-bomb Kabuki just dropped)

Omitsu: Ah! Goemon! Juurokubei is...
Goemon: Phew! Omitsu is safe, I was worried. Juurokubei, are you alright?
Juurokubei: Don't worry about me, I'm not done for yet. This bloodline is powerful, Shishi Juurokubei shares the bloodline of Goemon, the Evil Bandit King!



Yae: Juurokubei, I think you're mistaken!
Sasuke: Goemon is not just a simple crook, like you think!
Ebisumaru: They're right! Goemon is not like a simple criminal, he's always helping poor people be happy by fighting against evil! I think his blood line is very noble. It's disappointing that you're really nothing like him.
Juurokubei: Waaaaaaaaaaaah! I'm so sorry! Goemon, I've been mistaken!

So it turns out Juurokubei is descended from Goemon, and apparently is a really, REALLY big fan of everything he's heard about 'Goemon, the Evil Bandit King', but I guess history didn't quite get all the facts right. He didn't even realize the person he was fighting all this time was his ancestor until Kabuki let it slip.

And if you didn't get all the Fortune Cats and beat Kabuki Forever the previous conversation goes a tad differently, with Juurokubei talking about his ancestry and Ebisumaru eventually making an idle observation which causes everyone to connect the dots and act super surprised. Both scenes end with Juurokubei apologizing and it's all the same from here.

Which is just as well. The villain has been defeated and swears to change and everything is great forever!


Bismaru's Theme

Goddammit.

Bismaru: Lord Juurokubeeeeeeeiiiiii! Bismaru thinks you've actually been helping others! We always have been! Lord Juurokubei, don't be so upset! Right, Lord Juurokubeeeeeeeiiii!
Juurokubei: Shut the hell up you damn pest!



(Smack!)
Bismaru: You're so aaaaaawfuuuuuuuuuuuuuul!

And that's how Bismaru was stranded in the past to reappear later in Goemon's Great Adventure.


Returning Home

Juurokubei: Goemon, you have my respect now. I will try my best to do as you do. I promise you, I will try to be like you and make a better Oedo and a better world!
Goemon: Okay! I'm holding you to it! And in order to ensure a peaceful future I will continue to protect Oedo, no matter what!
Juurokubei: Alright! I hate to be selfish, but I have to think of myself. I must return to the future. Oh! Omitsu, I really enjoyed my time with you. Goodbye!
Goemon: Pffft. "Omitsu, I really enjoyed my time with you. Goodbye!" Hah! What a clown. Right Omitsu? ...uh, Omitsu?



Omitsu: Juurokubei, Omitsu had a really good time too. Oh! That's right! Hey hey, Goemon! What happened to the Wise Ol' Man anyway?


Womp womp waaaaaaaaaaaaaah.



And that, friends, is Ganbare Goemon 3! The credits roll as everyone realizes they left the entire reason they started their adventure in the future.

Quick note about the Credits music, it's a much more mellow version of the credits theme from later games, or I guess it would be more accurate to say later games have much more hyper versions of this theme. This tune more or less becomes the main theme of the series, if it has one, and it first appears here to my knowledge.

After the credits there is one final scene which only plays if you got all the Fortune Cats and beat Kabuki Forever.



Narrator: The Next Day... the Wise Ol' Man of Iga wanted to test his Time Machine for the first time... All of a sudden, he appeared before a surprised Goemon.



Extra Ending

Omitsu: Kyaaaah! It's the Wise Ol' Man's Ghost!
Goemon: Dammit, it must be some kind of disguise!
Ebisumaru: Ummm, I know we were always bad, but the Wise Ol' Man...
Wise Ol' Man: What the heck are you talking about?! I'm not a Ghost!
Narrator: When Goemon and his allies returned to the Edo period, they actually went back a day before the Wise Ol' Man first went into the Future...
THE END

Uh, that part seems kinda obtuse, I think it's another lost in translation bit. Maybe someone else can clarify, but what I think happened there is that the Wise Ol' Man returned from the future and intended to go back and stop the whole mess from ever even happening, but instead of going back a day before it all went down he messed up and arrived a day later, after Goemon and pals already abandoned him to his fate in the future. (EDIT: Cleared up, thanks Syo)

Anyway, Goemon 3! It's true, the game has some problems. It is clearly rushed in parts, which you can clearly see with the non-stages like Stage 6 and 8, three of the eight code plates being given away as a joke, the utter lack of a final stage, reused final battle music, and a bunch of other things. Then there are just poor game design decisions, like locking a bonus behind 100% completion but making it so that relevant items in the first three stages can never be gotten again after those stages are cleared. Then there are just plain weird decisions like having this really elaborate chase scene minigame with kickass music and only using it twice, both times in the first 50% of the game, and then never seeing it again.

The story seems kind of disjointed, but we can't hate that too much since there's still so much of the game's dialogue untranslated. All I had to go on was an old script I dug up on the interbutts a long time ago which only covers the significant story moments, and even that seems to be missing some things here and there. An actual localization back in the day would have made everything make much more sense, I think.

Still, I really love this game, warts and all. I admit, part of that comes from Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon being one of my absolute favorite N64 games, and I first discovered Goemon 3 several years later. So imagine my surprise at finding out that the N64 game I loved recycled quite a few things from this SNES game we missed out on. Goemon 3 very much feels like a sort of prototype for the N64 title we're all more familiar with, and I suppose thanks to all the mistakes they made here they were able to get it much more right later on.

Still, this was their first try at making Goemon a bit more elaborate than a simple left-to-right platformer, barring the RPGs on the NES I guess, and I love it for the attempt. They take a break from trying to make a Zelda and the next game in the series is a bit more of a straightforward platformer. And while that next game is really quite good too, I think I still like Goemon 3 the most out of the SNES titles just for having a bit more ambition.

The game does have some memorable moments, though. The first stage is a pretty great introduction to the game as a whole and does a decent job of teaching the player how things work. Stage 7 is the game at its strongest, it's probably the most well crafted stage in the game and requires you to use all the characters throughout. If there was a bit more design of that nature it would have been so much better. And while most of the on-foot boss battles were kind of forgettable, the Impact Bosses were all really well done. None of them got as brutally hard as the third Impact Boss from the second game, but they're all a lot of fun to fight. It's just a shame most of them are in the last 10% of the game.

Anyway, as for the next game in the series, yeah I'll probably LP that someday. Won't be any time soon though. And don't worry, when I DO get around to it I promise I won't start the LP and then let it sit idle for three years this time. Scout's honor.

One final bit of trivia, the first Goemon PSX game, Uchuu Kaizoku Akogingu, is also something of a spiritual sequel to Goemon 3, in that it has a top-down overworld and 2D stages and four playable characters you switch between. Though Sasuke and Yae take some time off and two new characters take their place. I don't know much about it since I've never played it, maybe I should change that some day. But I do know our ol' Pal, Juurokubei, has a cameo appearance in it:



That means both antagonists from this title make future appearances later. Good for them!


Ok bye~~~

Congrats on finishing the LP! This looks like a pretty fun game and is probably the one that I saw being played on a TV in Super Potato a few years back.

The translation here is wrong. What the narration really says is: "Goemon and his allies returned to the Edo period at the day before the Wise Ol' Man has departed to the future"

So, say, the game began at July 31 of some year in Edo period, Goemon and co. has gone to the future and then returned to July 30 of the same year. So the Wise Ol' Man (which appeared at the ending) hasn't experienced anything which happened in the game and come to Goemon's house the next day (July 31) to test the time machine "for the first time." Well, another time paradox here...

Thanks for a great and fun LP anyway. I'm looking forward to your next LP.

Oh, so that's how it actually goes? That part of the translation always felt a bit off, glad to get it clarified. Thanks!