I finally saw The Beach That Makes You Old. It... is one of the singularly most stupid movies I have ever seen.
It is not terrible. There is a beach that makes you old, and, like, it is basically a play with some light horror elements. You establish the characters, everyone has their clearly defined personality quirks and problems, and then you see how they grapple and cope with what is going on. Straightforward, and vaguely a morality tale about dealing with aging and watching your family change over the years, not too much to it. But I swear there must have been, like, a test viewing where people didn't get it, or the author(s) (whoever is responsible for the actual writing in this case, to be clear) automatically thought people wouldn't get it, or... something. Whatever happened, the end result is that the characters take for freaking ever to figure out what is going on despite immediate and obvious evidence, and then spend the rest of the plot explaining the premise at every available opportunity. Like, it is only a marginal exaggeration to say actual dialogue sounded something like, "Oh no! He cannot hear me because he is old now and old people have bad hearing! Because we are on a beach that makes us old!"
And to get into something specific (spoilers/description of body horror): there is a great segment toward the end wherein the woman that apparently has a calcium deficiency is repeatedly breaking her own bones, and they are healing too quickly, and she is basically turning into some kind of spider monster because all her limbs are all cracked and broken into horrible positions, but she is still scampering along and threatening the children. And, like, it is a great scene, because it somehow makes what is technically an 80 year old woman with brittle bones an actual threat that you can believe is going to hurt characters you care about. If you think about it for five seconds, it is ridiculous (she can barely stand up! She is not a threat to anyone!), but it is directed in a great way that really makes you feel the horror and menace of the character. Or, at least it would be, if the characters weren't taking the time to stand there and shout, "Oh no her bones are healing in the wrong way because we are on the beach that makes you old", and... dammit. Just shut-up and let the horror happen.
And do not get me started on the whole pregnancy subplot and how the related girl/woman is (plot wise) barely more than a womb followed by a sudden death that screams "we're done with this character now". I swear someone wanted to do the whole "and then one of the 'kids' gets pregnant!" concept without thinking for a damn minute how that would fit into anything else happening beyond being uncomfortable for everybody.
Oh, and when they finally get to the inevitable "twist" at the finale that explains the why of the beach that makes you old, and the purpose of who was chosen and all that... I swear they do nothing but reinforce the explanation for like 15 minutes. We get it! The movie is over now! Just call it!
Anywho, it isn't a bad movie, I just thought it was presented in, like, the dumbest way possible.