Movie Time 2.0: TT mini reviews

[Torzelbaum]

Wait... Hugh Grant was in that movie!?

Wait... It was released in 1988? I thought it was older than that. And now I think I am confusing it with some other "erotically charged" horror movie (both of which I have actually never seen and only vaguely know anything about).

 

[Purple]

On a Not Technically Completely Different note, I just watched Lair of the White Worm on Tubi, and… *whuff*

It’s an erotically charged horror movie that Tubi had listed in the comedy section, that should tell you how effectively it fulfills its promise of a Secret Sexy Snakepire Cult.

When I first saw it and got mildly obsessed (see holiday text adventure) I found a little clip from a making of thing where the lead actress was going through the script, seeing what was in there, and walking up to the director to ask "... OK this is a comedy, right?" and being met with "of course it's a comedy! Did you think everything was accidentally this absurd!?"

It is so cartoonishly British that it’s borderline hate speech.

More Scottish really, but yeah, this clip in particular you could probably pass off to most people as one of the more embarrassing Doctor Who episodes from the 80s except for the awkwardness of having the guy from the 2010s.

There is a scene that’s supposed to be a sexy game of Snakes and Ladders.

There is, much more importantly, a later scene where someone works out that she's probably the leader of a snake cult because why else would anyone over the age of 5 enjoy playing Snakes and Ladders?

Wait... Hugh Grant was in that movie!?

Hugh Grant AND Peter Capaldi!

 

[Rascally Badger]

I've been watching a lot of movies this past week.

I saw BlackBerry, which is excellent. Glenn Howerton plays the perfect business asshole, as he helps lead the company behind BlackBerry to power, while Jay Baruchel plays the tech guy side of the equation, a man with definite skills but who maybe isn't the visionary he wants to be. It is a lot of fun.

I also watched Fool's Paradise, Charlie Day's directorial debut, which imagines Day's protagonist as a essentially a silent movie character in modern day Hollywood, with everyone he meets projecting what they want to see on him. Some decent scenes, but it doesn't come together as a movie.

Netflix has got an Asterix and Obelix movie, Asterix & Obelix: The Middle Kingdom. There are some good puns, and its kind of funny through out. The whole thing is characters with pun names, any other movie had its villain named Deng Tsin Qin, pronounced Dancing Queen, I might think it was being a little racist, but here its right in line with everyone else.

Missing is a pretty dang good thriller shot completely through computer and phone screens, with a teenage girl looking for her missing mom.

And I saw Fast X: Your Seatbelts. If you rate a movie based on the body mass of it's stars, this would rank near the top. Vin Diesel, John Cena, Jason Momoa, Alan Ritchson, The Rock. If you rate movies like a sane person, and not like Mac from Always Sunny, it continues the nosedive this series has been in since Furious 7. The sustained stupidity of this series doesn't work if you slow it down and try to give it serious emotional heft. This is 2.5 hours long and its only half a movie. It is entertaining in spurts, but it really should just get on with it. Jason Momoa is on another planet that everyone else. Playing against the growling statue that is Vin Diesel, he goes as big and as emotive as possible.

 

[YangusKhan]

Fast X was a "rip-roaring fun time" to borrow a phrase. Outrageously stupid and self-aware, and my jaw dropped at the absurdity of the last 5 minutes or so. What's a term for jumping the shark but in a positive way? That's what Fast X is doing.

 

[Johnny Unusual]

The Equalizer is... fine. It's a pretty generic vigilante was former super soldier story. Like John Wick of the same year, it's about a guy who is just unstoppable through the whole movie and Denzel being a great actor helps a lot for this movie but it's not as imaginative, sadly. It looks good and it's got stuff going for it in terms of filmmaking and it gets the appeal of an absolute murder monster who is bullying other monsters and looking out for the little guy but I feel like the acting and directing is doing a LOT of heavy lifting to make the film watchable.

Similarly, Ant-Man and the Wasp in Quantumania is a film that I really appreciate talking big visual swings and Jonathan Majors crafts Kang into a very compelling character, which makes it a shame because it turned out Majors is a monster (and assuming there aren't any sudden refilming of an entire season of television, will also appear for most of season two of Loki.) Overall, though, Paul Rudd of all people feels lost in the shuffle. I appreciate the great character designs like "guy who death ray cylinder for a head" and basically adding off-brand Micronauts (and also off-brand Jarella, despite the fact that Marvel SUPER owns her and has no ties to the Micronauts). It wants to do a lot of stuff but the Kang stuff also means it's less of an Ant-Man story (and sure as fuck isn't a Wasp story) and more of a "step up" story for more Marvel properties. Hopefully, they'll do another small stakes Ant-Man story later on where he fights Whirlwind or Egghead or something because while this film wasn't bad, it got kind of numbing at a certain point. I will also say that I appreciate the ambition of the probability storm scene. It's not perfect but I like it going for a "late stage Jojo threat" feel.

 

[Rascally Badger]

The Wasp from the title is Janet.

 

[Voncaster]

The Amityville Horror (1979)
For God's sake, get out!

If you're going to watch one 1970s demonic possession movie, make it the Exorcist. But if you're going to watch two 1970s demonic possession movies, include the Amityville Horror?

The horror movie genre is my favorite genre of movies, but I have not seen everything. I did not watch the Amityville Horror until tonight. It was a pretty big blindspot for me.

George and Kathy Lutz and their 3 children movie into a house in Amityville New York. The house was the site of a mass murder and is being sold for well below market value. After moving in, the family soon discovers their house is haunted or possessed.

On the positive side, the Amityville horror has some good atmosphere and creepy moments. I liked the flies mysteriously showing up in the house, the the husbands obsession with keeping the fire going, and the wife discovering that the murderer has a great resemblance to her husband. I also like Margot Kidder as Kathy Lutz.

On the negative side, I found the movie to be very slow. Its almost 2 hours long and it could easily be trimmed to 90 minutes. I kept waiting for the house to drip blood and talk to the family, which I knew about from the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror. That didn't happen till the final act of the movie. One of the children has an evil imaginary (not imaginary?) friend, which is a trope in horror movies that I hate.

The Amityville Horror is not top tier horror, but I enjoyed my time with it. It won't be a staple horror movie for me, but it is good enough for me to revisit at some point.

💀 💀💀 1/2

 

[Voncaster]

Sister, Sister (1987)
Love Kills

If you're going to watch one movie about sisters, make it Sisters (1972). If you're going to watch two movies about sisters, watch Sister, Sister (1987).

Two sisters run a bed and breakfast in a souther gothic Mansion on the bayou. Their parents have past away. As the sisters interact with guests, it's clear there are unresolved issues between the sisters. The younger sister is an object of desire and claims that she can see ghosts. The older sister has commitment issues and pacifies the younger sister with drugs. Is the older sister controlling or compassionate?

I love small scale dramas or thrillers with supernatural or sci-fi elements. Sister, Sister operates on a similar scale as Never Let Me Go or Voice from the Stone (two movies I also like). I picked up this movie on blu ray from Vinegar Syndrome who normally release campy horror movies and over the top action movies. I was surprised to find this movie in their catalog.

I recommend Sister, Sister. The central mysteries are compelling, the movie is well acted and the cinematography is gorgeous.

💀 💀💀💀

 

[Johnny Unusual]

Air Doll is a weird, beautiful movie, though digesting that ending, I'm not quite sure what it wants to say. But still, I'm glad it was made. It's a Japanese film based on an obscure manga about a blow-up sex doll who comes to life and explores the world, getting a job at a video store and learning some hard truths about her existence. It's a beautiful movie that doesn't pull punches in it's last act and feels like a fairy tale... including in some of the darker, more tragic ways.

 

[Octopus Prime]

Fast Ten is… s’okay. Didn’t realize it was supposed to be a two parter when I went to see it so that ending sure was abrupt.

I feel like Fast & Furious movies must be what it’s like to be Medium Invested in the MCU; there are so many characters introduced and killed off and then just… back again and I can’t keep track of all of them; I think Helen Mireans been in half of them and I’m surprised to see her in every single movie

 

[Purple]

My favorite is how there's a character they both introduced and killed off in the 3rd movie (the let's be honest bad one where I guess they were trying to not pay increasingly big name actors and do a spin-off in Tokyo), who they then decided they just really really liked, so he's just suddenly around with the main cast in the next 3, and at the end of every movie he's talking about this big trip he's planning to Tokyo but eh, he can put it off a while longer, and it's just like... the end of David Tennant's run on Doctor Who or something.

 

[Rascally Badger]

I like how they finally get to the moment where he goes to Tokyo and then he comes back, because he didn't actually die in either of the movies that showed him die in Tokyo.

 

[Johnny Unusual]

I feel like I was prepared for Chicken Little to be one of the worst Disney animated features and it's pretty bad but I liked it more than The Wild, which was quite bad. Still, this is interesting because it is clearly trying to be an Emperor's New Groove-type film but it 3D and I appreciate a broader splat/squish approach with a lot of broadly rendered environments but it looks less like bringing 2D animation choices into 3D but creating places of weirdly empty space. Overall, though, the big issue is it's a very unfunny comedy that hopes music references are enough like characters singing "Wannabe" on karaoke in an extended sequence or a left field reference to "I Will Survive" that acts like it is paying off something never established. I've seen far worse animated film but this is just so thoroughly mediocre in a way that feels more akin to Disney's less-imaginative competitors. From the sounds of it, the director (who also did New Groove), was not happy with it, particularly being forced to change Little to a boy as he wanted to tell a father/daughter story. Interesting that this also happens in a film where the tomboy girl bully is transformed into being more feminine and no one changes her back and it feels weird. It sucks but... maybe a covert complaint about what happened with his film? I dunno, just a wild guess.

 

[Octopus Prime]

I liked how nobody in this movie is sure if Kurt Russel is going to come back, so they’re all very cagey about if he’s alive or not.

Paul Walker, on the other hand, is always juuuust out of frame. He’s like Nanny from Muppet Babies

 

[karzac]

Fast Ten is… s’okay. Didn’t realize it was supposed to be a two parter when I went to see it so that ending sure was abrupt.

I feel like Fast & Furious movies must be what it’s like to be Medium Invested in the MCU; there are so many characters introduced and killed off and then just… back again and I can’t keep track of all of them; I think Helen Mireans been in half of them and I’m surprised to see her in every single movie

I think Mirren was only in 8 and 9 before this. And Hobbes & Shaw

 

[Adrenaline]

Fast Ten is… s’okay. Didn’t realize it was supposed to be a two parter when I went to see it so that ending sure was abrupt.

Three parter!

 

[Octopus Prime]

Well… that explains how abrupt and unsatisfying the ending was

 

[Johnny Unusual]

I kind of new I was going into 2002's John Q with the knowledge that it would be a pretty trite "message movie" but I wasn't prepared for how bad this movie was, despite, as always, Denzel trying his very best to make it work.

My God, it's astounding how insanely earnest this braindead movie is. There is literally a cheering crowd that tells the audience how to feel when characters talk to each other. Eddie Griffin is playing "an Eddie Griffin-type" in this movie. This was very much made in an era where even in a black lead movie, the black side character's role is primarily "sassy commentary".

* I love that this 6 year old has a bedroom pasted top to bottom of nearly naked muscle men and we learn this in a scene that is "sad" and John Q is moping.
* The last scene has the montage of media coverage including a scene where Jay Leno explains what happens and it cuts away before the punchline. They cut back to it at the end but I feel not doing so would be a greater statement on the man.
* There's also a scene from a fictional episode of "Politically Incorrect" and Ted Demme (not the Demme you want) credited as "hip indie film director". Looking at his IMDB page... not entirely accurate. Also, he fucking looks ashamed to be in this movie.

This feels like it was written either by a 17 year old or an 87 year old. It really wants to be a message movie but it's the most basic-ass "revelations" and takes from characters with no subtly or character and it feels like a parody. This feels like a movie Marge Simpson would make after Lisa has a 5 minute conversation about medical care in America. This is the perfect movie for the Bill Maher audience. No more damning commentary than that.

 

[Ghost from Spelunker]

Oh man, that movie. I remember critics savaging it. But what's even funnier?
The movie was shot in Canada to save money.

 

[jpfriction]

Across the Spiderverse was good. Real good. Damn good, even.

 

[Paul le Fou]

Across the Spiderverse may not be quite as good as the first one, but it's damn close. It may be even more gorgeous than the first; they certainly seemed to push the animation envelope even harder.

It also might be its equal or better, but I don't know how fairly I can really compare it to one of my favorite movies of all time.

 

[Johnny Unusual]

Almost done with the Disney animated canon (that isn't Song of the South) and am down to ones that, for no particular reason, I've been a bit hesitant to visit. Last night was Tarzan, which I've never heard anyone complain about or enjoy. And I see why; it's not bad at all but it isn't super-memorable.

It's weird to find there's only one musical number in the movie and it's an instrumental rather something with lyrics and there's just a bunch of Phil Collins songs acting as backdrop to montages and extended scenes. I don't mind the choice and while I have no strong feelings about the soundtrack, I feel the tact is used better here than in Treasure Planet, where I really didn't like the songs at all.

I was sort basing my memories on the trailer where Tarzan looked a bit serious but this really is a fun version of the character and while it is a bit different to have a Disney adaptation of a pulp character, it makes a lot more sense than Pocahontas or The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I feel like with all of those films, they were experimenting with the KIND of material they could adapt and boy did it not work for Pocahontas and Hunchback... has virtues but is also kind of insane that it exists. Also, considering where the novel series goes, the "talking animal" aspect is actually pretty grounded by comparison when Tarzan meets ant-men and goes to the center of the Earth.

It's a decent enough movie and there's real chemistry between the leads and the best stuff is Tarzan getting very excited about learning of the world beyond his home. The action scenes still look really good too as Tarzan surfs through the jungle. The villain, however, is one of the duller Disney antagonists (his last shot of his death scene is very well-composed). Same with the animal friends; they do a good job initially building up his relationship with Terk but by the end, the jealousy angle, while making sense narratively, doesn't land for me. Tarzan isn't one of the more memorable renaissance films but it is pretty good despite that and is easy to watch and enjoy and I kind of wish they tried a few other pulp characters (I mean, they did try a live action John Carter but... that didn't go well).

 

[Rascally Badger]

I don't recall any actual nudity in Magic Mike's Last Dance, but Channing Tatum and Selma Hayak spend a lot of time grinding on each other, if that is the sort of thing your into.

Just a classic romance about a aggrieved ex-spouse hiring a stripper to choreograph an erotic dance show at a classic London theater to equally express herself and stick it to her ex. Same story you've heard a 100 times.

 

[Neo Skimbleshanks]

Shin Kamen Rider was wonderful. Fewer 10-hour streaming movies and more 2-hour theatrically released television shows. I missed Shin Ultraman when it came out but I’m looking forward to its home release here in a month.

 

[Bongo]

Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves, also aka'd as DAD HAT, is really fun and clever and charming, a rarity among movies in its genre and doubly so for being an adaptation of that cursèd brand.

 

[Johnny Unusual]

In giallo world again. In the latter end where it is more interested in being transgressive than being good, The Killer is Still Among Us wants to be a movie about the real life murderer, the Monster of Florence but feels like the braindead version of David Fincher's Zodiac. It goes for shocks with some very graphic mutilation I won't go into detail on (though it certainly does) but actually it's kind of a bore. It tries to go for an ambiguous ending which almost works, then a really weird message about hoping to inspire civilians to report crime or something.