Because only elves live in cities -- Let's Play Dwarf Fortress!

For a brief moment, I wondered if I actually used the right worldgen settings (since there's no real way to check, that I know of, because I didn't save them.) Then I remembered, Murphy's Law. If I prepare for the invasion, it won't come. If I let my guard down, everybody dies.

Besides. If everything always goes wrong, it's slapstick comedy. It turns into a real story when the heroes pull themselves up by the skin of their teeth after everything goes to hell in a handbasket.

Honestly though it really is only a matter of time. If nothing else, we're likely to get goblin ambushes in the near future--though I might be at least somewhat protected if they spawn on the wrong side of the map and end up in the muck. It won't reveal them, as far as I know, but it'll keep them away while I build my DEVIOUS TRAPS. You know, so that we can watch the fort fall to internal strife instead of being gutted by gobbos.

So that was one of the figurines I found while sifting through the list of goods we can trade to the dwarven caravan. Most of what I picked to offer were clothes formerly worn by dead guys, and the various bone crafts we'd made out of that damn bat. I just found it interesting that they chose to sculpt a depiction of a megabeast settling in an area, rather than depicting one of its long list of kills (which are almost always inconsequential non-historical NPCs whose only noteworthy accomplishment happened to be existing in the wrong place at the wrong time.) It's also rather ominous... as the Acrid Finger is, as you may remember, the mountain in which we're living on. I'll be keeping an eye out for Rithlut once we hit 80 dwarves and they're eligible for attack.

In other news, we have a dining hall! It seats 19 at once right now, but I'll be expanding it once I have time to spend on such projects. Right now I'm just giddy that I got my stuff back, and I'm going to put it to full use. Right after we get all our crap to the caravans. I do NOT want them to escape without giving me the commerce I rightly deserve!

UNPAUSE!

Several pages of "bring item to depot" tasks were added to the job list as soon as I unpaused, which pleases me. Every dwarf that was currently idle took one of those jobs, and I expect the hauling to continue. As for the broker... where is that slacker...

holy shit! He actually decided to go to trading! Not only on time, but EARLY for once! This is, in fact, a rare occurrance, and one ripe for celebration. As if we didn't have enough to celebrate already, what with the rousing success of Operation: Fuck the Weather.

We have a steady line of dwarves bringing goods to the depot now, and the broker is already in place. This is going swimmingly! Honestly, it's a nice reprieve from the stress of the early game. Of course, with this game, anything can go wrong at any time, and I'm always on alert for something to crop up. Speaking of which, let's check the units list!

Three ravens and a cave croc, who I GUARANTEE you is not getting in. Not if Mr Cage Trap has anything to say about it. And, as it turns out, he has quite the stirring dissertation prepared on that very subject.

Aaaaaannd just as I unpause after mentioning how things can go wrong at any time... game pauses to let me know that Mebzuth Basenadil got himself possessed. Great. Another mood, AND I won't get any EXP for it. At least it's both a gem cutter (instead of an armorsmith, so it'll be easier to have him succeed) and an unnamed migrant (who I haven't processed yet, and don't care if he dies or not.) He'll probably run down to the jeweler's workshop, grab a raw gem, and make a "perfect" gem. It's basically an expensive, untradable trade good. So I LITERALLY get nothing of note out of this whether I win or lose. Whoop de fucking do.

KEEP THE ASSEMBLY LINE GOING, FOLKS! COMMERCE WILL NOT BE STOPPED BY RAIN, SLEET, SNOW, BITTER FILTH OR GHOSTLY POSSESSIONS!

Sure enough. He took three rough smoky quartzes (and, oddly enough, a Large Sard) and he went to work immediately. I am so unimpressed it's just coming out of my ears.

A large gem, by the way, is a potential result of ordering a gem to be cut. Instead of getting a gem that has been cut in a randomized fashion, which you can then use to stud various items and improve their value, you get a "large" gem, which has no purpose other than trading. They also never get put in a stockpile, because lol bugs.

Well THAT'S unexpected.





So that's the second artifact we've gotten. That's the second artifact-by-possession we've gotten. It's the second artifact-by-possession that describes the death of a dwarf killed in battle--this one includes an image of the Goddamned Batman himself. There's also a random book that I don't know what is about, but it's called Musings On Extinction. That... does not bode well.

Again, though, in terms of functional gameplay, it does absolutely nothing for me, but... wow. #2spooky4me

Figures. Everyone's finally done bringing everything to the depot, and the broker's off drinking. Now THAT'S more like it. Not that I'm pleased, but it's par for the course.

"The merchants from Rafumgeshud will be leaving soon." GOD DAMMIT IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR FAT FUCKING ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT THIS SECOND I WILL GUT YOU LIKE THE CATCH OF THE DAY.

MOTHER FUCKER HE WENT TO SLEEP. THAT'S IT. ANYBODY GET DOWN HERE, BROKERING EXPERIENCE NOT REQUIRED.

All right. We got a random farmer wandering around to drop what he was doing (namely, heading back to the mead hall to chill) and come handle the trading. Let's see what we got....

Uhh.....




Well there you have it folks. Liquid. I, uh. I don't think it's a comestible. Let's.... just leave it there.

So I took almost all of their seeds (and some empty bags, can never have enough bags), lots of barrels (booze barrels, and some empty ones), a bucket, lots of leather, a couple cages (some with animals for butchering), a couple more picks, an anvil (always good to have backups), and a couple ropes. In exchange, they got all of my garbage, and at a hefty profit for them, too. (Not like I care, I don't need the stuff.) All in all, a pretty good day, minus that scare I had with the broker. At least I got to use his expertise instead of the trading dwarf's, allowing me the privilege of seeing what everything was worth. That would've been a nightmare otherwise.

In the meantime, I had a dude dig all the way down into a part of the caverns where I know there to be rich deposits of tin. However, we won't be accessing much of it, because we don't have enough fuel to forge ALL of the stuff, and also I don't want to breach into the caverns again. I was careful when digging not to open any walls. I do, however, at some point, need to dig all the way down, and find the magma sea. Once we find that, we can churn out as much crappy metal as we want. It'll also give me an excuse to get my minecart designs up and running. I remember a guy who made an entirely automated system that required no power; I should look up his designs again so I don't run into the same problems he did, since I know there were indeed issues.

I'm also taking advantage of the frozen terrain to make it easy to eliminate the murky pools that are plaguing my landscape. The thing about Murky Pools is that they're pools of water. Water gets in the way sometimes, flooding places I don't want it to. Also, stagnant water is unsanitary. (Not like it is IRL, thankfully, but it is a bad idea to drink from it, or just to have it around in general.) So while it's frozen, I can have it mined. Yeah, because THAT makes sense. The issue, though, is that if it rains, it'll fill back up. UNLESS you destroy the "murky pool" tiles that cause this behavior, and leave behind regular ground. So I've got the miners working on that right now.

Coincidentally, you can also actually obtain ice boulders from mining ice. I suppose this means you COULD farm ice if you really felt like it, but, why would you do that? Like seriously. Why would you do that?

okay I'm totally building a constructed ice fortress made from farmed ice if things get TOO boring and I have nothing better to do.

For now, though, there's a tunnel I want to dig and the ice is in the way, so..... ICE MUST DIE. I'll leave a few pools for farming though, and there IS the brook if I want to tap it later.

It's now the 5th of Granite (1st month, early spring.) Nothing of note happened. I've been systematically nuking patches of ice, and also doing some maintenance on the trading tunnel to replace all the wood with clay, because wood can be used for things that clay cannot. Well, one of our older dwarves, the experienced bonecarver that came in on the second migrant wave, just went Fey. Another strange mood, another artifact. The difference this time is that it will, in fact, give him 20,000 EXP, enough to boost him to Legendary skill. About friggin time. He went and grabbed a pile of bones, an uncut gem, and two logs, and he's going to work.

Well. He made greaves. Greaves are a type of armor that cover the legs. Artifact armor gets a multiplier to its combat effectiveness. However, this doesn't even come close to offsetting the fact that bone armor is pretty shitty against anything but a wild animal attack. At least he'll be churning out masterwork bone crossbow bolts nonstop now.

OH HELLO THERE DARK GNOMES HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?



This particular one is so wounded because it was trudging through the filth, but there are a total of ten gnomes on the mountain. They must die. None of them have any of my booze, YET, but they're all pretty close to the entrance. They're going to eat steel.

Killed one of them dead, the others ran off after the military showed up. Advantage: dwarves. Now back to satisfying my need for proper aesthetics.

AHAH! THEY WEREN'T ALL GONE! LET'S KILL SOME MORE!

Well. There are officially no more gnomes on the map. Most of them got shot to death, but one of the dwarves ran out of bolts, and instead ran up and STARTED BEATING HIM TO DEATH. I saw all his teeth fly out in random directions. Combat in DF is fucking brutal. A couple of the dwarves ran out into the muck to shoot gnomes, but they'll get cleaned off soon enough.

Oh goodie. 19 more migrants. Ugh.... don't wanna deal with them, don't wanna end the update here... I'll just keep going and deal with them later.

Crap. Just got confirmation that the caravans can also spawn at the north side of the map, where the muck is. I'll have to put in a system to deal with it.... later. Because that would be a lot of work. And wouldn't stop the elves, probably. Oh well. Who cares about the elves?

THEY'RE HERE! THEY'VE COME AT LAST!





That, my friends, is a Kobold. They're invisible until someone stumbles nearby, at which point they're revealed. They're immune to traps (so cage traps won't keep them out), they steal stuff from your fortress like the accursed kea, and if they take enough from you then they'll start sending armed ambush squads that lurk and wait until they can find someone to kill. They should be terminated with even more prejudice than the gnomes.

ALL ARCHERS, ASSEMBLE! WIPE THEM OFF THE FACE OF THE PLANET!

Haha, dumbass passed out as soon as he started to run because of the bitter filth. Turns out it doesn't discriminate with regards to upon whom it inflicts its wrath. (Man, that was wordy.) One kobold dead, but there's bound to be more. I'm ordering someone to guard the depot and the entrance. Right now I'm just using the rudimentary "go there right now" menu, and it's not the best, but when I have more time I can set up specific alerts with routes and patrol information to better accommodate for guys that have to go get a drink on the job. I'll ALSO be setting up training stations when I do that, because it seems the military is finally getting some action. Those of you who complained about things going too well, hold on to your seats. Things are getting exciting now.

We cleaned out the elves of all their alcohol and brewable plants, and I also took their splints and crutches because I can't be arsed to make any right now, and I'll need to set up a hospital soon. Though that means fresh water.... which means I'll either need to set up an irrigation tunnel or a pump stack, and neither prospect makes me pleased. Ah, problems for later, I guess.

Dammit, just as I took the archers off duty to get food and drink, we found another kobold. Oh well. Someone's got to be close enough to punch his lights out.

Oh shit, son, there's TWO of them! Well, one ran into the muck so he can live another day, but the other one got pincushioned.

Hell. Yes.

A mason went into a mood while we were trading, and he produced an artifact hatch cover. Hatch covers are like doors, but sideways. They're useful because you can use them to lure certain kinds of creatures, which like to destroy buildings. Artifact buildings are indestructible, so they'll just sit there and stare, mesmerized. This is useful for a certain type of Uninvited Guest..... and as a result, I will be putting it somewhere suitable in the near future.

Well crud. Having 68 dwarves, we've enhanced our government. No longer is our leader the Expedition Leader. Now, he is the Mayor. Not only does he want more furniture (which I'll get on that eventually), but he occasionally mandates that we make certain goods. This, my friends, is why people hate nobles, and I will be assigning a mayor who has REASONABLE demands... eventually. Like, when I can be arsed to bother. Right now, as a matter of fact, this update is running long (which was my intent but now it's getting too lengthy), so I'll call it here, on the 3rd of Malachite (5th month, Mid Summer.) The trading depot is roofed over now, and it's decked out in all red, with the exception of the wagon-only ramps (those are made of ice, because it looked cool.) I also made a tiny roof over the down-stair that leads into the tunnel so that I can find it, and so it doesn't blend into the whiteness of the snow when it snows (which is any time it's not summer.) I purged a few ponds, and will be digging a dwarf-access tunnel to the trade depot through them when I can be bothered. Other than that, the focus is on agriculture and lodging, at long fucking last. Because if I don't get it done now, I won't ever have a chance. We're getting dangerously close to when the REAL fun starts to show up....

Also, for shits and giggles, look at the stats screen:



Peace out for now, mother truckers!

Fuck. My life.

So I thought "All right, I'll load up Fortress, do some maintenance stuff, we'll be good." Well, on the 5th of Malachite (5th month, Mid-summer)... no more than 2 days after I unpaused.... THAT FUCKING GUY showed up. And we didn't even get to the next day when the next migrant wave showed up! Well, I guess it's been too long since we've had any deaths... let's get ourselves psyched for this, though. The only people outside right now don't matter, and I've ordered the lockdown lever to be pulled, so we'll be safe enough while I get everything together. Except for the new fuckers outside, but I don't care about them.

We got a total of 8 migrants. They were all immediately added to the TITAN SQUAD and I ordered them to kill Udast or die trying. Meanwhile, the miners are digging out room for some more farming, cause I need to kickstart my agriculture. Once that's good to go, I'm gonna start up some forging... I've got a plan for how I'm going to take out the titan, but it'll take a bit of finagling.

All titans have a special attack. This one's attack is that it spits poison. However, the poisons have a tendency to come out as "frozen" globs. This means that, functionally, it has a built-in crossbow instead of a poison. Which is good, because titan poisons are TERRIBLE.

HAHAHAHAHAHA Oh my god. The fucking migrants bum-rushed Udast, and he fell into one of the ponds I didn't drain yet. His "ichor" (which is basically bug blood) is spraying everywhere, and I'll probably drain the pool because, eew, titan blood, but I'm surprised. This is going much better than I thought. One of the recruits did get its arm bit by the giant fucking bug, but I'd say it suffered more injuries than our guys. Most of the time, it just spits at us, which mostly just bruises them. Meanwhile, he's got several broken feet, a broken leg, and his thorax is busted up.

Scratch that, pretty much all his body parts are busted up. I don't know if they bleed to death though, but I'm going to assume, since it's not made out of some inorganic material.

Oh yeah. They totally bleed to death. Well, Udast has fallen, and he can't get up. The guy who knocked him into the pit is getting a custom title. However, this fight wasn't really representative of what titan fights usually are like. I got hella lucky that he fell in the hole, and gravity SUCKS if you're titan-sized.

So. That was a titan. It wasn't quite as FUN as I was expecting, but it did serve as a nice wake-up call: this file was set up to have titans show up early, and I'd merely been lucky enough not to see any until now. Which means, now is the time to batten down the hatches while I can, and shore up, because THEY will be back. You better fucking believe it.

also something something medical attention

Anyway. Now that the excitement is done with for now, I've got four new kilns (because you have to have the kiln, even if it's not doing anything, to issue the order to collect clay, and you can only have one dwarf collecting at a time for each kiln), some new farms, and I'm carving out space for new workshops. I'm going to use the new clay to floor over the pools that I drained, so that I can use THOSE for farmspace as well, and I'm going to be setting up areas for each dwarf to have their own bed (because it boosts mood, as opposed to communal dorms.) The main thing to come out of this is that I'm going to bite the bullet and forge some cheap stuff using all the wood I've gathered. I'll need to go find magma at some point, but that's a project for a later day. Right now, I have a specific goal in mind, one that can't wait.



Well. That's another thing that lives in the mountains here. Fortunately, they can't show up until 80 dwarves call this hellhole their home, so we've got some time. Bronze colossi, unlike that titan, are indeed serious business. If Og Squeezeleader had fallen, he would have, in fact, gotten back up.

Humans showed up on the 19th of Galena (6th month, late summer) and confirmed that the protected depot does work, assuming I don't have the depot marked as forbidden. (Whoops~) I'm gonna send some of the slackers down to handle this while I deal with some other projects. For starters, the level above the "surface" is getting turned into a workshop floor, and I've already put in a quantum minecart storage for metal ores and fuel. The dwarves are stocking it, and it'll fuel the smelters, the glass forges, and the metalworks. I've also got a couple wood furnaces set to churn out charcoal, which will supply enough fuel to jump start our coal smelting. I brought enough coal to last us for a while, until I need to go get magma. Once we have magma, I'll only need fuel for steel production... but that's an odyssey I don't want to undertake right now. For now, commerce!



Huh. So, assuming he's still alive, we might get to encounter some undead after all. Oh joy. Just what I was looking forward to the most. Well, I know what I'm building next!

I also found a figurine of a dwarf prostrating himself before Kebmak the Mouth of Garnish, that deity of food from before. Kebmak was not laughing at the dwarf this time. It seems that he has indeed answered our prayers, and the dwarves are paying their respects to him as thanks.

seriously guys I couldn't fucking make this stuff up if I tried.

Well shit. Found a figurine of a SECOND Bronze Colossus settling in the mountains, this one of the name Sakrith Callgravel. We, uh. We're gonna have some Fun later on.

Haha. Found a figurine of "a desert titan." Doesn't say which one, but I'm going to pretend it was Udast, and that it depicted him falling into the pond and bleeding to death, because lol.

Hahahaha. I love watching the wagons heading into the depot. The merchant onboard the wagon and the animals "pulling" it are all passed out from the muck, but since wagons are "technically" creatures (in a very, VERY limited sense), they're able to keep on going, and since they're immune to syndromes, they give no fucks about the muck. Watching the wagons pull themselves and their unconscious draft animals is priceless. I'm not sure if this is a bug or a feature.

Huh. It didn't occur to me that even with wagons, the traders might want to bring what they carried on horseback. They're not actually able to get in normally, because of how I've designed the depot--they were allowed access only as a result of construction causing paths to intersect briefly. I may build in a foot-patrol access into the side that can be sealed via bridge, then just make sure that kobolds don't use the path to get inside by sending the militia in for a quick sweep. Oh well. These things can happen soon.

SPEAKING OF FUCKING KOBOLDS GETTING INSIDE. Damned bastard managed to get to the stairs before someone spotted him. NOT COOL, GUYS! Where's the militia....

GOD DAMN THERE WERE TWO OF THEM. The first one ran off, but we found the second one in the entry hall. He ran off, too, but he ran through the muck. I'll let him choke and throw up as his punishment. But I'll remember this for next time: seal the gate when you're not doing anything outside, and make sure to sweep for intruders BEFORE you start construction.

The broker cut it a little close, but he was there on time to trade, so I didn't have to order some random peasant to do it instead. (Thank Armok.) I unloaded bone crafts for some cloth (in case of mood), more leather (for waterskins and quivers, and maybe some armor if I feel like it), and their alcohol. They also had something I simply could not resist... A lignite block. There's an amusing trick you can do with it, in that if you put it in a metal bin, and then douse it in magma, the block will never be extinguished. It will be on fire eternally. Needless to say, this has useful applications in security design. Nothing says Dwarfy quite like burning some kobolds to death with an eternal flame-in-a-box.

Lignite, for those who aren't in the know, is a mineral that can be processed into coal. So that makes a bit more sense.

SPEAKING OF MOODS. The miner just went Fey. Oh boy. Here comes a useless craft!

Oh boy! He took the mason's workshop. NOT the craftdwarf's workshop, as I had feared. He might make something actually useful.... and a legendary mason isn't a terrible thing to have. Though he'll probably be on combat duty eventually....

Oh lord. He wants metal bars. LOTS of them. Well, time to get the smelters fired up! Actually no wait. If I just hang out long enough, I bought a couple bars of zinc from the traders (who have left, by the way. See you later, smelly humans.) Hopefully he'll take those.

Yup, he took the zinc and got to work. Whew. Minor crisis averted. Let's see what he comes up with.... In the meantime, I'm nuking another pool, but only because it's overlapping with the brook and I don't want it contaminating anything. I don't know if it can, but I don't care. PURGE THE IMPURITIES!

Also roofing over the holes I already dug, because I plan on using that space for stuff. Yes.... "stuff." Mwahahahahahaha!

It'll probably just be a farm, let's not lie.

Ooh. He made a grate. Named Bonunamen Sobirdanman, which translates to "Sootcurled the Released Heaviness," it's worth 44,400 Dwarfbucks. It's fairly uninteresting designwise, just some decorative spikes (dwarves like their spikes), and two images of some dwarf named Doren Wheelsteel. Not of him doing anything in particular... so I'm not sure why he made it on there. He wasn't even nicknamed. He's not done anything of import...

I take that back. I went through all the dwarves. I failed to find anyone with that last name. So..... either he's someone from the world outside our fort... or there's something sinister going on here.

Well. Maybe we'll solve this mystery some other time. As of now, it's the 8th of Sandstone (8th month, Mid-autumn) and I'm pooped. Gonna hit the hay here. Projects I finished up include drilling out that one hole-in-the-middle-of-the-lake, and so it'll just be fresh water from now on. I've also floored over all the other holes I created (I don't care about the one in the brook because it'll just be water anyways), and I dug a tunnel leading from the fortress to the trade depot. I'm going to be installing an airlock in there so that I can send troops in to check for lurking kobolds, but it shouldn't be necessary--the only way they could POSSIBLY get inside is through an incredibly narrow window, and they'd have to not get spotted by the caravan guard as well. Still, never a bad idea to have an extra redundancy. Regarding that, I've also put in the bridge that'll serve to allow foot traders into the depot, and I've also built the access lever, and it's in the middle of being linked right now. I've also got the beginnings of a sweatshop on z=144, which is nice...



Included here are two metalworks (topmost shops in the upper left cell), two glassworks loaded with a sandbag stockpile (bottommost shops in the upper left cell), two wood furnaces and a pile of wood to burn (lower left cell), a stockpile loaded with wheelbarrows set to funnel into a quantum pile that holds metal ore, metal bars, and fuel (upper middle cell), a soap making workshop and an ashery to supplement it (leftmost shops in the lower middle cell), a leatherworks and a bowyers workshop to produce goods for the military (rightmost shops in the lower middle cell), and four smelters that are soon going to be running on full power (upper right cell). Not sure what I'll put in the empty cell... probably masonry and carpentry, but we'll see. Until then, I'll see you all later. Maybe I'll even have enough down time to assign labors to the new guys!

Maybe.

If you all wish really hard upon a star.

Nice. I love seeing a bit of action here.

z=144 .. that's 144 levels up from ground level? Or is it down?
(I vaguely recall there being a really high mountain in this particular spot of the world, but maybe that's just wrong.)

Oh heh. I just realized I never really explained the elevation.

So... I'm not sure EXACTLY how it works, because it varies from world to world... but I know that z=0 is very far underground, and that "ground level" varies from site to site. In this particular embark, I've avoided using relative notation (Z+2 or Z-1) because there can be as much as a ten Z-level difference if you center the camera on the mountain peak, as opposed to down in the swamp! The flat area outside, where everyone took refuge during the very beginning, when the mountain was too dangerous to live in, is at Z=143. I THINK, but I might be wrong, that z=0 corresponds to the "magma sea," because while I do know that you can go below z=0, it's.... not usually a good idea to hang out down there. Because reasons.

Bigger numbers are higher though, and this is a mountain, yes.

I don't think this counts as On Hiatus.

Oh crap how did I miss that?

Lol! I didn't even notice, was this mistakenly listed as on hiatus? Yeah, it kinda isn't. The next update is actually in progress now.

So I don't know how I missed it, but we now have 83 dwarves.

That is more than 80.

That means we will get more uninvited guests. Many, many more.

So we're sealing up for good. I'll need to do a lot more work on getting a proper entry gauntlet, but for now, we're locking down. Nobody gets in and nobody goes out.

I feel like we might extinct the airborn species in the region just as a result of the filth. As soon as an eagle or a raven or something of that nature enters the cloud, they'll get sick, and within a day, they'll pass out, drop to the ground, and gravity will break enough bones that they'll either suffocate or bleed out. It's kind of funny, but makes me worried that, once they're gone, scarier things will show up. Or at least more annoying things, like gnomes.

It's trading time, once again, with the dwarves! We have fewer crafts and less garbage than last time, so I might have to actually trade some of... GASP! Our food! Believe it or not, a food industry is one of the easiest ways to buy out whole caravans at once, just to flex the dwarven commerce muscles. Also, our latest figurine of Kebmak the Mouth of Garnish has him striking a triumphant pose. It's no surprise why... we have nearly a thousand units of alcohol. Meals are a little harder to come by, but I'm kicking agriculture into high gear, and we have more than eight hundred seeds--I plan to go through and cook the ones we won't plant, so that we can still make use of them.

Haha. I forgot that I ordered ALL of the ores from the liasion. Well, at least we'll be using the stuff. Trading has commenced. They can leave whenever they feel like, now. Hopefully that's soon, as I want to get my doors shut again.



This is a list of what the mountainhomes would like, and how much extra they're willing to pay for it. Gloves, figurines, and splints are in particularly high demand... I should churn out a pile of splints for them. Or maybe forge some crappy gauntlets, train up my armorsmith and sell the waste products at higher value. Then use the profits to buy more raw material to work with, so that we can properly armor ourselves when the greenskins come.



The merchants are almost done packing up, and I'm almost done with my last bit of outdoor work. The area that I used as the temporary bedroom back when we were on the run from the Goddamn Batman is getting repurposed as a temporary meeting hall, to hold new migrants while I get the military mobilized. The tunnel pictured above links the fortress to both the meeting hall mentioned previously, and the dwarfside access to the trading depot. The way the fortress is structured, the only actual access point strictly to the outside is through the trading depot, so while I've practically obsoleted my clever wagon-only access ramp, I shouldn't have to worry about ambushers lurking in parts of the tunnel and managing to slip deeper inside. Besides, I'll be setting up two choke-points controlled by bridges, and it'll be set up so that it is impossible for anyone to get from one end to the other all in one go--they'll have to stand in between a raised and lowered bridge and wait for their route backward to be sealed off, and then be frisked by the militia, before they can get inside.

Why yes, I am paranoid. But it's not paranoia if they really ARE out to get you.

We're very nearly done chopping down all the wood outside, and so I'm just about ready to seal up again. We haven't run into any scary things YET, but I guarantee, as soon as I let my guard down, they will come. Speaking of which, my next project is going to be getting a proper military going. I'll be looking through the unsorted migrants (of which we have about 30 or so) and assigning those with either prior military experience or no particularly useful abilities to the military, and then I'll be building them a barracks, a training facility, and start forging equipment for them. In the pursuit of that, I've taken my two miners off duty, because they've become just about as experienced as they possibly can be without the usage of rather... unscrupulous tactics, and so they will be replaced by some unskilled workers to do the actual work, while they are refocused towards military. Believe it or not, mining picks are a valid choice for melee weapons, and instead of using a combat-only skill to determine effectiveness, they actually use the mining skill... so I tend to cycle my miners out once they hit max EXP and turn them into rough-and-tumble goblin murderers.

It is now the 1st of Granite, 104. (1st Month, Early Spring) Not a whole heck of a lot of interesting things have happened in the past 3 months or so, but it's all important work. The new miners are busy excavating all the various exposed metal veins we have laying around, I've replaced the ugly stairs to nowhere in the old entry hall with paved road, I've almost finished paving the site of the future airlock, I've ordered half of the 400 logs we have to be turned to charcoal, and I've got guys working on smoothing the stone in the dining hall as well as some of the stone in the workshop area, to make it look more appealing. (Both to the dwarves and to myself.) All in all, we're past the "hard" part now... But that just means I need to finish stabilizing, before I turn my attention to the crazy things that can be done. Trust me, this isn't going to stay boring forever. If the game stops throwing things my way, I'll go find challenges of my own. And trust me, there are ALWAYS challenges to be found if you look hard enough.

Does this version still have the weird quirk where legendary wrestling has some amusing combat applications?

I don't actually know what "interesting combat applications" you're talking about, because I've never had a fort last long enough to GET a legendary wrestler. Or any kind of wrestler at all. I know that in adventure mode, wrestling is extremely powerful, since you can target body parts, and a chokehold is one of the strongest things you can do since an unconscious opponent is fair game. But this isn't adventure mode.

__________________________________________________ ____________

So, from here on out, updates are going to be structured slightly differently. We've officially reached the point of the game where "interior decorating" updates, like the previous, are going to become the norm, rather than the exception, if I continue to plod along at the methodical pace I've been adopting, documenting everything that happens. I'm going to start leaving some of those details out, and summarizing the major changes as projects get finished up. To compensate, I'm going to play for longer in-game time than I have been doing, which will hopefully balance out with the same amount of content. A lot of this stuff is real interesting to play, but not so much to watch.

Of course, when the greenskins come, we'll shift right back into up-to-the-minute news reporting. Speaking of which, I have two major projects on the docket next: I want to get the noble's rooms done (because they take a hit to their mood if you don't supply them with lavish furnishings), and I want to set up the barracks and training facilities next, and get the military armed and recruited. Both of these projects, however, are waiting on the mass mining I designated previously. There are ore veins all over the place that I hadn't tapped yet, and so I've got the new miner trainees building up their muscles tearing them down. Once I get them plowed through, though, not only will we have more ore to smelt, they'll be free to dig out new rooms.

We're starting to get some of the smaller tasks completed. No more leather in the fort, it's all gone into armor and boots. All the garbage food items I had lying around have been cooked into meals, too. It's a sense of accomplishment to be able to run industry out of a place like this, after what I had to go through just to survive.

Aha! Migrants, on the 21st of Granite. (1st month, Early Spring) This is the perfect chance to try out our new meeting hall... Except not yet. The airlock isn't QUITE done, because I haven't finished paving the road yet. Almost, though. Almost. For now, I suppose we can let them in through the direct gate, but I'll send the archers down to patrol. At least they were kind enough to come in through the south entry, and not through the muck.

MOTHER FUCKER.

So much for this being an interior decorating update!



Well, the migrants are PROBABLY boned, but if they can outrun the kobolds, they'll be fine. I've got the archers on their way, hopefully we can put down our first real legit foes. I'm nervous to unpause though... I mean, strictly speaking, the migrants are expendable, but... It HAS been a long time since our last casualty.

Well... it looks like a dwarf is just barely faster than a kobold. However, the ambush is centered RIGHT where the dwarves are being loaded onto the map, so as soon as they "spawn", they get a kobold in the face. One of the newbies, a weaver, dodged an attack. Only attack SO FAR, but I've been taking it practically frame by frame. The military isn't even close yet.... At least the kobolds are spreading out. Hopefully they'll chase the few dwarves they've found, and that'll let the others load on in relative safety.

I take it back: one of the kobolds managed to catch up to a beekeeper, and hit him in the back of the head with the pommel of his sword. It left a bruise, but that's all. He swung again, but she dodged this one.

Oh that's not good. The aforementioned beekeeper got stabbed in the forearm. Nerve damage and a severed artery. That's not good for her survival prospects. She's probably a gonner.

Owww.... He pommel struck her in the EYE. That... can't feel too good. Yeah she's fucked.

An entirely different kobold swung at a cook, but his cloak blunted the edge of the blade, merely leaving a bruise. Thank god for that. Silver is a terrible material for edged weapons... it really, really does not hold an edge well at all. It's almost like slashing someone with a butterknife. At least, if they've got armor on. If you hit someone in bare skin with a silver sword, it's definitely gonna cut.

Haha. The beekeeper is still getting hounded by that kobold... but her robe outright deflected the sword. Too bad it didn't do that earlier...

Oh that's really bad. She got stabbed in the chest, and her lung got knocked around a bit. Yeah, now she's REALLY boned. At least the first archer arrived on the scene at last! KILL THEM ALL! TAKE NO PRISONERS!

Beekeeper got cut in the leg, and she fell over. She's as good as dead by now. The archer shot a couple bolts, but nothing's hit yet. Two kobolds are chasing a weaver, who seems to be consistently outrunning them; another is chasing the cook from earlier; a fourth is chasing some animal or something; the last one is stabbing the shit out of the beekeeper, while the archers fail to stick it with even one bolt. At least she's taking her time to bleed out.

HAHA! Revenge! One bolt finally stuck, in the kobold's leg. He's on the ground, too. Easy pickings now... I hope!

Yup, he passed out almost right away. The beekeeper is still a lost cause, as she got sliced and diced no less than 20 times, but at least she will be avenged. I'm sending in the two ex-miners to take out the ones that get crippled, so they don't wake up and so they don't distract the archers.

OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME!!!



So. A little bit of background. Dwarves that are members of your fort, and dwarves that are not, are displayed differently. Dwarves that are your citizens are displayed using either of the smiley face icons from code page 437 (with slight graphical modifications to add beards, because, Dwarves), the specific one used depending on if the dwarf is active military or not. Dwarves that are not, however, simply use the @ symbol.

So here's where things get tricky: That purple @ down there? He's both a member of our fort, and not. When a dwarf migrates to your fortress, and their highest skill is in Appraisal (the skill used by brokers), the game kind of wigs out. It thinks that the dwarf isn't actually a member of your fortress (even though it most certainly is), but a trader from a foreign nation. This causes them to use the trader AI: they'll sit at the edge of the map until it's time to trade, at which point they'll head for the trade depot (if they can find one) and wait around, and then eventually pack up and leave. The issue, though, is that it keeps the other dwarves in the migration wave from spawning properly. There are a couple ways to fix it, the best one through the use of a 3rd-party memory hacking utility, but I'll probably just leave him there for now... because as long as he stands there, no more dwarves can spawn, which means they can't get murdered by kobolds. And if the kobolds go after him, he'll wig out and flee, which will solve the problem on its own.

Back to combat: The kobold that was perforated is awake again, but still functionally neutralized. Someone shot him in the kidney, too. Most organs, aside from the heart, lungs, eyes, brain, and "guts" are just decorative so far, and placeholders for more interesting functionality in the far future. However, being shot in the kidneys with a crossbow bolt is still very painful, even if the kidneys themselves don't actually do their "job". Also, Miss Waiting-To-Bleed-Out somehow drew the ire of another kobold just wandering around. Hopefully he puts her out of her misery soon. The miners are on their way up to put down the wounded one.

He got shot in the hand, and now he can't hold his shield anymore. And he proceeded to pass out again. Booyeah!

Jesus, this beekeeper is a survivor. How much blood does she have, anyways? She's still bleeding out, still getting sliced up like jerky, but she ACTUALLY DODGED AN ATTACK. Somehow. She hasn't even passed out yet! Good lord, if she survives, I'm getting her patched up and drafted. (Actually, no, probably not, since she'll probably still be a cripple: nerve damage can't be healed.) Meanwhile, the aforementioned cook just keeps dodging like a bro.

Well, the kobolds are finally gaining on She Who Survives: her right hand just got outright chopped off. The wounded 'bold took a bolt to the stomach.... Jesus, these guys are incompetent at aiming. I'm definitely getting targets set up for them to practice on. Gonna probably use up the bone and metal bolts in training, then make piles of metal bolts for them to use when it comes time for the killing.

Hello worthy opponent! One of the kobolds who had been lucky enough to stay out of combat so far, drew the ire of a couple archers. Two bolts went his way and he actually outright blocked them! This asshole needs to get mined.

Haha, he didn't block that one! Took a bolt to the ear, and it cut his ear clean off. Meanwhile, the cripple took another bolt to the foot.

Aw, shit. The cook got chopped in the foot, and he fell over. So much for his dodging streak. The archers are too far away to really help him... I think I'm going to assign one archer to each 'bold, to make sure everybody wins.

Woah, turn of events! That bugged trader I mentioned earlier? She's got a crossbow of her own, and she started shooting kobolds! One of them took a lump of steel to the kidneys, and the guy who was blocking bolts earlier took one to the leg, causing him to fall over. At least the beekeeper is finally dead.... I'll get to work on a memorial slab for her.

Yikes, the cook's getting cut up by an iron sword. Iron is definitely more brutal than silver... I don't foresee the cook surviving either. Where are the miners, dammit?

The KO'd 'bold from earlier is now minus one ear.

OUCH! The trader launched another bolt at her prior target and hit him so hard, he started flying through the air! This... This will not end well for him. Unfortunately, one of the archers is all out of bolts... and instead of running off to reload, he charged into melee. At least he's going after the flying kobold...

So I would imagine getting shot with a crossbow, in the mouth, would hurt. A lot.

Aaaaand one kobold down: the arrowless archer started smashing his crossbow against the guy's head until his skull broke apart and pierced through his brain. This, by the way, is one of the most common fatal injuries, the others being outright blood loss and falling from great heights--depending on the creature, there is a specific height in Z-levels, that if they fall, they will be dismembered from the force of the impact, instantly killing them. Welcome to Dwarf Fortress, ladies and gentlemen.

It looks like two of the kobolds ran off. One more is dead, one's passed out and waiting to die, and the other one is just running around somewhere. I'll send the rest of the archers after the one that's up, and let the miners finish the other one off.

Scratch that: the wounded one finally died from acute lead poisoning. The miners never showed up.

And the last of the kobolds fled. Final score: 2 dead kobolds, 3 escaped kobolds, 1 dead dwarf, 1 wounded dwarf. I'll call this one a tie, and a wake-up call. I already knew we needed to get military operations in high-gear, but this just cemented it.

One of our doctors is taking the wounded cook back to bed to recover... Good as time as any to get a hospital set up. The thing that was keeping me from really doing anything with it was the need to get a resevoir of clean water that doesn't freeze when it's not summertime... but we can deal with that later.

Oh my... So, we've got everyone and everything inside, we're doing maintenance tasks like butchering all the bird skeletons that died when they flew through the muck and happened to land on the non-contaminated part of the map, digging out room for a hospital and resevoir, building stuff that needs building, real boring stuff. And then the Slayer of Udast gets his name picked for the Artifact Lottery. This is going to be interesting... especially because he's going to get EXP for this one, too.

Also, just because:



Hoo boy. The Slayer of Udast grabbed a leatherworks. Well, good thing new migrants came with animals that I butchered, so I do, in fact, have some leather left after making ALL the armor and ALL the boots.

GOD DAMMIT. The mother fucker took my lignite block for his artifact. Shit. I didn't think about that. Oh well, there goes my eternal flame... nah, I'm sure I can get another. Besides, I wasn't going to be able to use it for quite some time. There are very few ways to light a fire, and none of them are within my reach. At least he started on the artifact without trouble. Two chunks of leather, two rough rubicelles (gems), the lignite block, and some steel. Let's see what he makes...

Shit. I was afraid of that. He made an artifact glove.

AN. Artifact glove.

Singular. As in, he didn't make two. As in, not useful for military applications. So it's a decoration. At least he's maximum leatherworker...

It's not even an interesting glove. Gem-encrusted, spikes of leather, an image of spore trees, and he used the steel to draw a depiction of an ettin settling in the mountains. Bah. You disappoint me, Slayer of Udast.

In fact... since the Immortal Chef seems to have stabilized, and I'm mostly waiting on the miners to mine stuff, I think I'm gonna call it here, and work on this some more later.

You accidentally a few pictures there, I think. :P

There are five major components to a successful hospital.

1: Designated space for the hospital itself. I have a large area that is marked for digging, and am waiting on the miners to work on it. This is going to take some time, and there's not much I can do to speed it up, so I'm just gonna let it work while I deal with the other tasks I need to do.

2: Doctors to staff the hospital. I already have a handful, and there are plenty of unskilled, unemployed laborers who can be assigned to work in the medical field.

3: Furnishings. Hospitals require beds for the resting patients, tables to perform surgeries upon, traction benches to immobilize patients who have complex or overlapping fractures, and containers to store the medical supplies. I have already ordered many of these to be made, but traction benches are one of the least frequently constructed items, and if I recall, also require ropes/chains, so that will require me to get the textile industry up and running. (Ugh.)

4: Medical supplies. Hospitals require thread for sutures and stitches, cloth for bandages, splints for small fractures, plaster powder for casts, crutches to aid those with wounded legs, and soap for cleaning the area. Infection is one of the most common causes of death, and prevention is the only cure. (That, and a healthy dose of prayer for the afflicted.)

5: A source of fresh water. This is going to be the tricky part, as it needs to be kept near the hospital, needs to be refillable, and needs to be cut off from the surface during the freezing months (AKA, most of the year.) I have the infrastructure designated, but as with the hospital proper, it will take time for the miners to hash it out.

While we wait for all that to happen, I plan on getting military productions underway. I've got armor stands and weapon racks on queue to supply the barracks that I'll be designating after the hospital is mined out, and everyone is getting weapons and armor. There's a pile of leather armor, but I also want to get the metalworks going on high gear. We'll be mostly using fossil fuels for now, against my better judgement, because the miners are far too busy to be searching for magma. Which is a good reminder that I should add magma retrieval tools to the list of things I need forged.

Magma can be retrieved via minecart, believe it or not, but it requires a bit of fiddling, and a few items need to be constructed. I learned the hard way that "magma safe" doesn't always mean "magma safe". There exists, deep below the surface, a mushroom called Nether Cap. The wood of the nether cap is perpetually locked at 32 degrees fahrenheit (0 degrees Celsius), and as such, will never melt, burn, or boil. At least, it SHOULDN'T. However, the game doesn't respect that some item types can be magma safe, and as such, any item that is not made of stone or metal will be disintegrated, even if it shouldn't. Thus, while nether-cap bridges and doors are safe, a nether-cap minecart cannot be used to retrieve magma. This is unfortunate, as it requires me to use up precious metals in the acquisition of magma, as you cannot create a stone minecart--only wooden or metal, and we've established that wood is out. Unfortunately, the only metals that are magma safe are iron, steel, nickel, and platinum. Needless to say, we do not have any platinum, and the ore of nickel is not only found exclusively in gabbro, a deep rock that I haven't done exploratory mining in, but is a distinctive bright green, and so I haven't found any of that either. Thus, either we go mining for Garnierite, or we bite the bullet and make iron minecarts. We'll probably end up just mining for garnierite though.

We've got either 101 or 102 dwarves, about 3/4 of which are nicknamed. This is up from about half, as a lot of the new names are for new military recruits. Oh, and regarding that quantum number we have... Dwarf Therapist reports having 102 dwarves in the fort, but Dwarf Fortress itself reports only 101. I'm not sure where the discrepency is, and right now, I can't be arsed to figure it out. If it becomes relevant later, then it does, I guess. For now, time to equip the new recruits. I drafted a new squad of six archers, as well as a squad of six axemen and a squad of six spearmen. The axes and spears are on the way, and I'll have our bowyer draft up some bone crossbows if we need it. The bolts, however, will not be bone. They will be made of metal. Silver, specifically. It's no good for most weapons, despite being technically weapons-grade, but it has a slight edge over other materials in blunt damage and for SOME REASON, this appears to be the damage type that crossbows use. Despite being a piercing weapon. Yeah, I don't get it either, but I'll go with it, because silver swords are really, really shitty.

Elves are here. Ugh. Now I have to take a break from military operations to get the stupid caravan inside. The elves don't even bring wagons or guards, so I really do have to escort them. They'll probably get pincushioned by kobolds and then we'll get blamed for it and they'll start ambushing and UGH.

So it's generally good to find out your airlock has an unlinked bridge before you have to use it to keep out the scary things. Fortunately, if there ARE scary things, they haven't noticed that our defenses are down. Or they managed to sneak past the guards, which I doubt, but, still TECHNICALLY possible. One of the mechanics is getting the bridge linkage problem dealt with, thank goodness.

And the stupid elves are trudging through the muck. I really, really hope they don't take forever getting here as a result. Should really consider starting the Oberdach sometime soon... like, when I actually have free time. That is a project that is going to take a LOT of effort you don't even fucking know.

Although, I guess an alternative could be to suffer through the muck long enough to just build walls around the entire embark, then roof over the parts that are between the edge of the map and the wall, then build tunnels that lead to the safe part. But still, that sounds like more work than I feel is doable at the present time. Projects for the future.

Well, while we wait for the elves to STOP THROWING UP IN THE SEA OF FILTH, I guess we can haul the crafts and stuff to the depot for them.

I GUESS.

UGH. FUCKING ELVES.

Goddamn elves are passed out in the muck, because they decided to spawn in the spot that allowed them to take the LONGEST possible diagonal route through as much of the muck as possible. And so, of course, they decided to do that. I almost hope they get eaten. If they did, though, I wouldn't really be able to take their stuff. And their stuff probably isn't worth taking, anyways. Ugh. I hope those elves get molested by the capybara.

HAHA! THE KOBOLDS, THEY COME LIKE LAMB TO THE SLAUGHTER! I CAME PREPARED THIS TIME, YOU FUCKERS! EAT STEEL!



And of course, kobolds never come alone. At least it's not an ambush, it's just a thief. He won't put up a fight, he's looking for loot, not blood.

Oh, SHIT, son! They didn't just send a thief, though. They sent a MASTER thief. Well, now I almost regret the smack talk I started off with.

Almost.

OH YOU ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME



So I mentioned Uninvited Guests before. This is what I was talking about. These mother fuckers. They spawn in the caverns, and are otherwise technically identical to titans, in that they're randomly generated, big and nasty, and come with some kind of special attack (poisonous spit, in this case.) Now, you may think, "Oh, it's a flying squirrel, how bad could it be?" Well, keep in mind, this isn't your grandmother's flying squirrel. We're talking "Attack of the 50-foot Squirrel" here. Think, squirrels from the Krosan Forest.

Fortunately, it's down in the caves, and the ONLY way it can get in is through the lake. I'm 99.99999% sure that it won't try to pathfind down there, since it requires flight-only paths, but I'm sealing it off with a wall just in case. We have enough booze to last, anyways.

Oooh. We struck Rock Crystal. Rock crystal is a gem that can be used for non-gem things: specifically, crystal glass. I probably won't actually make anything with crystal glass since once you do, moody glassmakers start demanding it, and you have to use rough gems, which means you can't buy any from merchants, which puts a hard cap on how much you can ever make. As such, crystal glass is often a source of Death By Artifact that you can't do anything about--at least wool can be bought from caravans and stockpiled.

Well, shit. An actual legit ambush found the Elves, because they got all passed out in the muck. I refuse to send my men up there, which means if the elves don't start moving, they're fucked. And of course, that means I get automatically blamed for taking their stuff, whether or not I actually take their stuff. God, why can't the stupid kobolds come after me, instead of the defenseless elves?

Somehow, I don't think there will be any commerce today.

Yeah, they brought a bowman. One shot, hit a merchant in the middle finger, and he IMMEDIATELY passed out from the pain. Show's over, folks, we're closing up shop. Elves are boned. I'd say "that'll teach them to wade through the knockout gas" but it won't, because they're fucking retarded.

SHIT! A second ambush found our depot! Mother cockers. Bowman everywhere. Nope, we're pulling the lever RIGHT NOW. Don't care about the low-quality crossbow outside. It can deal.

One of the miners bum-rushed the swordsman that got inside, hacking apart his left hand, making him drop his shield and knocking him backwards. And then he outright chopped his arm off with the pick! Jesus. I knew ex-miners were deadly in combat, but... Wow. This guy. He's going places. And then the OTHER miner comes in and lops his leg off, same side. I guess he's...

(�_�)
( �_�)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)

...half the man he used to be.

Half-a-kobold finally got a shot off... and it got parried. Then the first guy GRABBED HIM BY THE EAR and lopped his other arm off.

Crud. One of the speardwarves got arrowed in the thigh, and it chipped the bone, making him pass out. He'll need medical attention, too. I want that door closed, stat!

Hah! One of the miners knocked an arrow out of the air! That's what I like to see! Unfortunately, they've moved out onto the bridge to start fighting. That's what I was afraid of--I can't close the door now, or they'll get crushed. We'll have to hope they can hold these guys off. I'm bringing up the whole military. We'll drown them in sheer numbers if nothing else.

The disembered swords-bold is very, very dead now. Here's hoping we can cloes to melee range and put the archers down as well! It does take quite a bit of time to reload after shooting, which is the one balancing factor that lets us stand a chance against the crazy overpowered railguns that are Dwarf Fortress Bows.

Captain got in range, rushed an archer but he dodged. Nobody has gotten shot yet, save that first guy. He probably didn't have a weapon anyways--I forgot to make sure I had enough bronze before ordering 12 bronze weapons, and we had all of one spear made.

Ooh, the second charge worked! He rushed him and took his left leg off in one strike.



The spearman that got shot looks like he'll be mostly okay. I mean, he hasn't gotten rescued yet, but he's the perfect military candidate. High spatial and kinesthetic senses (affects accuracy), elevated willpower (more likely to keep fighting instead of passing out like a wuss), high recovery rate and very high disease resistance (resist infections).

Haha. After lopping the 'bold's leg off, the captain's next move was to implant his pick directly in the archer's skull, killing him. He then proceeded to block the incoming arrow like a friggin boss. NEXT VICTIM!

The captain swung his pick into the other archer next to him, ripping apart his arm, but surprisingly not taking it clean off.

Oh god. Another master thief got spotted. Well, you guys know what we do with thieves!

"The militia captain twists the embedded (steel pick) around in The Kobold Bowman's left lower arm!" This is another attack that can happen: sometimes, when you fail to lop someone's limbs off, an edged weapon can get stuck in the wound. You can then twist it around to inflict more damage on them. As far as I can tell, this just makes them bleed more and amps up the pain. I wish he'd just pull it out and behead this guy, though. So many kobolds, so few master miners.

Ack. One of the newly recruited axemen took an arrow to the forearm. He didn't immediately pass out, at least, and was able to take a step to his left, so that's good, I guess. At least the captain charged him and sent him backwards, and gave him a cut along the arm for good measure. They can't all be perfect strikes, I guess.

He followed it up with a blow to the kidneys, though, so I guess that's okay. I know I hate it when my kidneys get mined.

Aaaand the axeman fell over and passed out. Crud. As long as we butcher these guys, though, not a problem. The one that's been shooting us is on the ground, and we're chopping him up. He just lost the use of his right arm (on account of it being chopped off) and so he won't be shooting anybody else, ever. The captain followed that up by mining him in the foot, for good measure. Probably just enraged at his comrades being shot up like that. I hope we get a doctor up here to help the wounded soon.

The bastard has two mining picks stuck in his foot now, and they're getting twisted around for good measure. Owwww. Meanwhile, the elves are still getting shot up in the muck, though I have no illusions about their survival.

Ooh. The captain fucked up his pancreas, and opened an artery with the attack. He's as good as dead, I'd say. Too bad they probably won't leave him and go fight the others until he's ACTUALLY dead.

Yeah, the #2 just axed half his leg, and he ate a couple more attacks before bleeding out. Meanwhile, the thief from earlier is still standing there. Uh, what gives? I hope you guys plan on axing him, too. At least the archers are starting to run away, I think. Figuring out that this is a losing battle.

The miners are chasing the thief, but I think he'll get away. I wish they'd pick on the archers.

Scratch that, both the archers ran away. Score: 2 dead bowmen, 1 dead swordsman, no dead dwarves. Two of our guys did get shot, though, and they're being taken to the hospital right now. I think it's time to set up the archery tower.

Crap, we found a THIRD master thief trying to get in on the action. He's probably gonna get messed up, though. The miners are chasing down the one from earlier, and he's outrunning them.

Ooh, yeah, the archer that discovered the thief just bum-rushed him, knocking him over. I don't think he has any weapons on him, but it looks like he won't need any.

Oh god yeah. His first attack? Scratching him in the throat, opening a Major artery. Then him and another axeman nearby both grab his hip and put it in a double joint lock, shattering the hip. He dun got fucked up. Another one bites the dust!

I took the two wounded guys off active duty, and they're being carried back to the base while everyone else guards the depot. I'm just gonna stand my ground and let all the lurkers get torn up. And wouldn't you know it, we ran into ANOTHER thief! Yeah, she's gonna get messed up something hard. There's nowhere for her to run, she's surrounded by dwarves. She took a bolt to the "guts", and that'll make her nauseated, weaking her for the real damage. It looks like the thief even came here after wandering through the muck, as she's COVERED in blisters. Her life will be very, very short, as everyone's pretty much just dogpiling on her. Everyone was throwing her around, wrestling, punching and kicking, and then one of the miners showed up and smashed her skull open with those awful, deadly mining picks. Fear the miners, ladies and gentlemen. Fear the fucking miners.

The merchants are all dead, and it looks like the crew that took them out is running away to escape with their lives. Drat, I was hoping they'd come down here so I could mine their faces. Oh well. We found another fucking thief, and that'll have to do, as the whole freaking military jumps on her.

"Logger 3/Carpenter 4, Woodcutter cancels Give Water: No water source." I was afraid of that. There won't be any water sources for some time, as we need to finish digging the tunnels, and then the lake has to thaw. Otherwise, no water for the wounded--and they drink water only. A hospitalized dwarf requires water, not booze, and if they don't get it, they starve to death in the hospital.

Crap. It's now the first day of summer. Miners need to be refocused, and dig out the part of the tunnel that is most important: the part that connects directly to the water. We can block it off again until we're ready, but I want that part to be dug while the water is still frozen, so we don't get flooded while I'm mining. Meanwhile, I'm having everyone bring in the clothes and weapons that the kobolds had (for future trading), and the bodies, so that they can rot in pieces.

What? That's totally what RIP stands for. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, because they're lying.

Awesome stuff. RIP, indeed.

What happens now with the elves? Will they become hostile, or does it take a bit more than this?

It really depends. I've seen some people tear their hair out trying and failing to provoke the elves, and others I've seen get sieged after failing to protect one caravan. So we'll see if we get merchants or archers next year.

ITT I want to see you trapping visiting merchants in a Death Colosseum and releasing invaders to battle them.

Okay. It is the first of summer, and I am praying my heart out to Avuz (god of earth) that terrible things don't happen to our dwarves. It's a race against time to mine out the tunnel that will fill the cistern, because if the lake thaws during construction, we're screwed.



Let it be known that taking that image was a bitch and a half since I had to splice together 4 different screencaps and the way the scrolling works in-game, I spent probably longer than was necessary making sure to line up the pixels just right. But you don't care about that.

Let it also be known that at the very south end, the up-stair connects directly to the brook. It hasn't been dug yet, but I've got miners on the way there to dig it out. This is the part that is time-sensitive. Once I get up to the 3x3 block (where a bridge will eventually go), I can put a wall between the stairs and the bridge-site, and we can just finish construction at our leisure. The rest of the construction site consists of that longass tunnel that goes from the water source to the hospital itself, and then it'll drop down into the resevoir itself:



Those are all technically on separate Z-levels, but .png files are terrible at representing parallel X-Y planes stacked on top of each other, he he he.

Anyway, the important thing is that I'm about to experience an incredible amount of suspense that you guys are, unfortunately, going to miss out on. So here's what's going to happen. I'm going to put the entire rest of this update in a spoiler. I'm going to ask you to wait about, oh, two or three minutes, and then open the spoiler. Give the illusion that you're sitting here, watching with me. Because I don't know how else to properly convey how deeply my fingernails are digging into my thighs and how tightly my anus is clenched as I sit here hoping beyond hope that I don't drown a miner and the entire squad of axemen that are going out to guard him from the kobolds.

Wow.

So I guess it's a good thing that you don't urgently need anything from the next caravan, if you're under siege now? How long can a siege last?

They last until either you kill them all, or until they run away (which either requires you to break their morale by killing many of them, or wait it out the several months it takes to bore them.) And I saved and quit just as they showed up... so I don't know how many goblins are coming yet. There could be a hundred or more.

How the fuck did i miss this thread this game is awesome

Ladies and gentledwarves, it is now Goblin O'clock, on the 12th of Obsidian (12th month, Late Winter), a day also known as Goblin Christmas. On this day, many presents are delivered to the fortress in the form of neatly wrapped soldiers. These soldiers are a great source of iron for the fortress, an ore commonly referred to as "Goblinite." Goblinite is different from most other ores, in that it can be found in any biome, but almost exclusively on surface layers. It is also notorious for requiring significantly more fuel on average to smelt than other, less renewable ores, and for being the only ore that can actually fight back. As such, we're going to be taking it slowly here, waiting for them to come to us. Needless to say, our military is not prepared enough to take on a full scale siege, so we're going to need to make a few preparations. I do believe it is time for the Goblin Grinder.

This is an ingenious trap that works by abusing the inability of the common goblin to recognize patterns. As he senses a way into the fort, he charges forward, getting hit by a conveniently placed weapon trap. He will then run over a pressure plate, which will lock him out of the way forward. Disoriented and dejected, he will then turn around and try to leave, getting a second smack from our trap. However, as he turns to leave, he will walk over another pressure plate, cutting him off from the exit and trapping him. He will be forced to walk back and forth on loop, getting battered to death slowly and irrevocably.

Now, i'm paranoid, so I'm building this gateway so that it can accommodate a large area, allowing me to fill it with more traps than I will need. That's for later, though. It's also entirely possible--not particularly likely, but not out of the question--that I won't get this operational before the goblins get bored and wander off. I hope that doesn't happen, but it's possible.

Oh man. Okay. The amount of digging designations I've mapped out is just... mind-breaking. I really, really, REALLY hope I don't fuck any of this up. Normally I would throw down a save, and save scum this if I messed it up, just because of how much work it would be and the potential for lost loot. But this is a Let's Play, and we've already seen the ugly side of Dwarf Fortress, so, I say, bring it on.

LET'S GO VIDEO GAAAAAAAAMES

Goblins are slowly streaming onto the map. Should only need one or two trap tunnels to deal with them, I think the first siege you get is muted, sort of a wake-up call, and the future ones are based on your wealth.

Also, I found the hell squirrel. He's still running around, he was just in a cloaked part of the map. So that's still a thing.

Ugh. We found Tetrahedrite and Galena in the trap tunnel. We can mine that shit out later. Right now, we have a mission.

Found some Graphite. Sadly, graphite does not yet have uses other than just being a stone, but, eventually. Along those lines, Saltpeter exists, but is not (yet) usable for gunpowder.

It looks like we're leveling off at 15 hammermen, and an axeman mounted on a Voracious Cave Crawler leading the squad. One squad shouldn't be too bad, but later sieges are going to make use of the full infrastructure I'm planning for.

It's the 1st of Granite, and we're not even done with the -backup- trap hall. Granted, that's been just over half a month, but I'm still a little nervous, given we also need to forge a bunch of trap components, and the mechanisms to construct them.

Grumble grumble broker wants his toy hammers. We have more important things to do, sorry brah.

Okay, so it's the 10th of Slate (2nd month, mid-spring) and the "dodge-me" hall is about 3/4 finished. It will consist of a long, winding corridor with lots of low-quality traps, intending to knock the goblins into the pit below. Right now, the room below will just be a hall lined with fortifications, so we can pincushion the goblins, but eventually I'm going to dig a massive shaft, so that anyone who falls in there will fall to their doom. We also keep finding more metal veins, which disappoints me, but once Goblin Christmas is over, we'll send miners in to retrieve the delicious, delicious ore.

Meanwhile, the miners are working on the main feature, the Goblin Grinder. I'm only outfitting two tunnels, but it will support a total of seven. This is probably redundant, but I want to make sure that it can handle large sieges and not get gummed up, so I can leave it open nonstop. Sadly, it doesn't stop kobolds, but I've got an entirely separate plan for that. It will, however, require me to do some more mechanical work in the future that I don't have time for.

Well. Shit.




I'm getting his ass exorcised as son as possible. This cannot be allowed. Mother fucker. At least it was just a no-name beekeeper, but... dammit!

Jesus. He bled to death like, two frames after I got that message. This is officially the top priority.

Huh. I got interrupted by the elven caravan. I'm disappointed, the goblins packed up and left. Probably thought nobody was home. Ah well. This gives me the chance to finish the tunnel in full, and also to deal with the FUCKING GHOST. I can also turn my attentions to the killer squirrel, and I know just how I'm going to deal with his ass.

I'm gonna huff. And I'm gonna puff. And I'm gonna blow a house down on his head.

Elves are also on the wrong side of the map so they can go fuck themselves. I'll send military down and open the gate just in case, though.

Elves made it okay.... Not sure how I feel about this. I'll send the military to secure them, then I'll bring any goods I have. Which isn't much. Eh, I can trade them some silver crossbow bolts if I really want stuff. We have over a thousand, I think.

OH MY GOD THEY BROUGHT A GIANT TIGER.

OH MY GOD THE GOBLINS ARE BACK.

Okay. So this time, the siege is for real. I haven't unpaused yet, but already they've got mounts, a master lasher (uses whip as weapon), some trolls for breaking down buildings.... oh lord. Here's hoping the goblin grinder works. We'll also be able to trade with the elves... but I don't think I'll be able to let them leave until after the goblins are dealt with. Our created wealth is approaching 600,000, so the goblins definitely want our head. This will go poorly. Whether it goes poorly for us or for them, that remains to be seen.

Oh my god. There's ONE FUCKING CAMEL THAT'S NOT INSIDE YET, AND THE MOTHER FUCKER IS STANDING ON THE BRIDGE. IF HE DOESN'T MOVE IT ASAP, I'LL BE FORCED TO SACRIFICE HIM IN ORDER TO SAVE THE ELVES FROM GOBLIN ASSASSINATION.

oh thank god. The evil ghost is gone. Now I can breathe.




Jesus fuck that is many goblins.

Oh that's cool. The mayor wants a statue in his dining room. MADE OF ELECTRUM. WE DON'T HAVE ANY OF THAT AND WE CAN'T MAKE IT. YOU UPPITY FUCK. SHOULD I FEED YOU TO THE GOBLINS? GIMMIE A GOOD REASON NOT TO. I DARE YOU.

Welp, time to sacrifice a camel. Ker-splat!

Huh. The elves won't trade with me since one of their camels got crushed. Well, sucks to be them. Because they get to live. I'm feeling charitable today.

One of the miners is now legendary. He is graduating to the military, and I've picked another peasant to start his miner training. The other two aren't far behind, either.

The captain of the axemen has been possessed. He will now make an artifact and get nothing for it. Sad times. Oh, and this happened on the 8th of Hemanite (4th month, Early Summer.) The final stages of the trap tunnel are pretty boring, but they must be done!

Of course. The asshole axeman took over a forge. That would have me jumping for joy if he would be getting any EXP from this. Alas, he will not. Oh, and it's a metal craft, too. FML.

"The merchants from Nonugica will be leaving soon." Only if they're leaving the mortal plane! You guys are going to stay and watch the goblin grinder in action.

He made an amulet of lead, decorated with yak bone. It is called the Drinks of Virginity. It has absolutely no distinguishing features whatsoever. I am very sad.

Finally! It's the 22nd of Hemanite (4th month, Early Summer) and while the Grinder isn't quite tidy, it's operational. All we have left to do is open the floodgates.... mweee he he he he.... BEHOLD! HER SPLENDOR!



Longass tunnel leading up to...



Several flights of stairs, brings us to the meat of the action:



The red carats are weapon traps, loaded with mostly wooden spiked balls and "menacing spikes", but there's a silver spiked ball in each corridor so there's at least SOME lethality. The intent is to kill them over time, with blood loss, so that the traps don't jam. That would be terrible. The purple carats are the pressure plates, each linked to the... symbols... next to them. Those are hatch covers. When a non-dwarf steps on the plate, it instantly opens the hatch, revealing a pit. The non-dwarf will turn around and go the other way, get chewed up, and repeat.

If they SOMEHOW get past that....



And one z-level underneath:



This part of the hall is barely functional, just a couple traps strewn about a long, winding walkway, over a shallow pit. If someone ends up in this area, well, they SHOULDN'T, cause it means I fucked up the trap. If they do, though, the archers will be there for pincushionings.

Further up the path, there's a bridge that's rigged to a lever, so I can shut the whole thing down if I need to. And yes, I will be sealing off that little access passage in the lower left. That was there to speed construction. It's not necessary anymore.

Anyway.... Time for the fun to begin. Just gotta set the military up, call in the crew to seal up and open up, then everyone gets to be squirreled away in the safe part of the fort, while the goblins foolishly think they can wreck our faces.

I really fucking hope they don't run before I can end their lives.

So the way this is gonna work, is I've got the one tile sealing us off, designated to be dug, so that the goblins will come say hello. Then, after the job is taken by a miner, but while he's on his way to the site, I designated a whole bunch of channeling elsewhere... because I kinda forgot to do that for the cistern. Whoops! Anyway, upshot is that the guy on his way to dangertown is gonna mine that wall, then IMMEDIATELY go run off to go to his next job, instead of waiting around to get stabbed. I'll then activate a new alert I've set up, restricting the civvies to the areas of the fort that are well away from the goblin grinder, set the militia to guard the dodge-me hall just in case, and watch the massacre.

However, since I'm a terrible person, I think this is a good place to stop for the night.

It could've been much worse. For about an hour, I was considering writing up the post, saving it locally, then replacing every word of importance with the word "goblin" as a late april fools joke. I then decided it was too much effort to be arsed. Consider yourselves lucky, and hang tight and watch the goblin grinder in action!

And for the love of god I hope I remember to turn on the alert next time I start playing, since if I turn it on now then the miner won't mine.

Well. This is it, everyone. This is the point of no return. Either this works, and we grind the siege into finely chopped goblin bits (or at the very least, work them down to a size our military can deal with), or the fortress falls and the LP is over. The kind of risk I'm taking, if I screw this up, we're not going to be able to come back from. Forget the catastrophe of the Goddamn Batman. If we fail, this is going to make that look like a drop in the barrel.

Here's fucking hoping that doesn't happen! DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR!








RUN FOR IT!!!

He gets most of the way down the long tunnel before the goblins notice they have a way in now, so he SHOULD be safe... Should. I've given the lockdown order, so he's on his way back to the main fort now and will not be returning, the military is already in place... This should go fine, but there's always a chance, and I'm all but shaking IRL. It literally took me like, five minutes to build up the courage to unpause.

I love this game, guys. Probably the biggest pain about LPing it, is that I want to play it longer than I'm able to, because, update speed and all that. But that's not a good enough reason to let this fortress tank. I've overcome. I've surpassed. I will NOT let this be the straw that breaks me. Not today, guys. Not fucking today.

Goblins are streaming down the corridor now. The first one is a squad leader, a bowman mounted on a voracious cave crawler. "A huge cave monster with hundreds of feet moving along the bottom of its long body. In place of a head, it has an enormous toothy maw." So they're basically giant, evil centipedes. Bloody fantastic. I want nothing to do with it. At least the miner is past the grinder, so he SHOULD be safe now. The only way he can get injured now, is if he stops, and if a goblin somehow gets out of the grinder. That's not supposed to happen, but it's why I'm so freaked out. I've never actually DONE this before, and I'm just outright terrified that shit might hit the fan.

Huh. Now THIS.... This is not something I had foreseen.



He's been standing there for some time... Not necessarily days and days, but longer than he should have. There's absolutely a path across there, my dwarves have been running up and down it.

Crap. A troll showed up, and he paused on the exact square.

Ahah! It DOES work! More goblins came in. I guess he was just waiting for the rest of his squad? Anyways, some goblins just ran forward...

The goblin WAS riding a cave crocodile. It ate a whole page's worth of combat logs of the spikes stabbing it and the spiked balls ramming it, until it died on the tile. Then, the goblin ran forward, and took some spikes to the stomach and the arms. Now, we find out if he can be properly locked in....

I take it back, we don't. He totally bled out. Maybe I should've just built a long hall of traps and just let them get mutilated, instead of trying the risky approach. Those masterwork spiked silver balls are devastating.

Okay good. Some of the goblins that had halted on that tile are going forward now. My fear is subsiding, I think we're gonna be rich.

OH SHIT I TAKE THAT BACK! ONE OF THE PATHWAYS I SET UP TO DO SOME CONSTRUCTION WORK, I DIDN'T SEAL IT OFF AND IT LETS THEM GET OUT OF THE TRAP! MOTHER FUCKER I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN AAAAARGH!

That's it! We're shutting this down, right now. Bridge is going up, we're enacting plan "b" right away.

Shit. Some of the archers are attacking, because some of them thought they should be ON THE DODGE-ME TRAP ITSELF, INSTEAD OF ON THE EDGES! I'm going to need to modify my designs a bit so that we don't need military support up there... probably gonna set up some ballistae. That could be fun, potentially. Right now... we may have a casualty or two.

The aforementioned stupid archer took a bolt to the leg and now he's on the ground. He'll probably get owned. Ooh, yeah, he just took a second bolt to the same leg.

And he's out cold now. I think I'm going to just make the executive decision and pull the bridge. We can replace four archers. I don't want to doom the fort by trying to get these guys out alive.

OH YOU ARE KIDDING ME! WE NEVER ACTUALLY LINKED THE LEVER TO THE BRIDGE THAT KEEPS THEM OUT! WHY IS THIS FUCKING HAPPENING TO ME?

No. We stay the course. I'm taking the lockdown order off, but I'm building walls between the bridge and the stairs that lead to the actual fort. I will not allow this trainwreck to continue. We are KEEPING. THESE ASSHOLES. OUTSIDE!

OH MY GOD THEY'RE GOING TO GO CLEAN THE TRAPS. NO. NO NO NO NO NO. DO NOT DO THAT. GO THE OTHER WAY YOU ASSHOLES!

Whew... I had a scare, but the wall is up. We're safe now. I promise. We did have it looks like two casualties, but we'll be fine.

Now... what to do about these goblins?

Haha. Well, all the merchants just went insane. Dammit. I did not manage to save them, it seems. Ah well. Fuck 'em. And maybe I'll take their stuff, too.

Crap. Being reminded that this trap fails to keep out building destroyers. I'll need to build something that takes care of them. Fortunately, I already have something that will help. I just need to kill all the goddamn dudes before that can help me. Of course, the destruction of the grates DOES mean that nobody can get inside anymore, unless they're already here. So this makes my next job a bit easier.

The next plan is two-fold. I'm going to first set up a trap that will take all the building destroyers out of the question. It involves the artifact hatch cover we got a while ago. Artifact furniture is indestructible, but that won't stop trolls from pounding eternally on it. This lets us perforate them at will. For that, I will be using an atom smasher, because fuck these guys.

After that, there's gonna be another winding tunnel full of traps. Just weapon traps. Nothing fancy, I'll just install every goddamn weapon I have and mutilate these buttheads. Nobody survives. And THIS TIME, I'll make sure the gate works before I have to use it. Holy fuck that was impressive. It always seems to happen in every LP, too. Someone messes up their doomsday trap, and then the bridge that's supposed to keep the guys out, just mysteriously doesn't work for some reason.

Huh. We had a cave in over where I'm digging out the cistern. I'm not sure why, but it means I'm going to be channeling VERY carefully, as opposed to somewhat carefully.

Okay. So. Now that I have to wait on ANOTHER trap tunnel to be dug out, I think it's a good time to finally get the mayor's quarters set up.

Been a little bit, but I just got an idea on how I can safely clear out the cistern. Supports. They're like walls, but they can be linked to a lever, and remotely deconstructed. I used this trick in Operation: Fuck the Weather, and it'll be useful here as well.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?



Well, we've at least established it's not getting inside... so there's that. Also, it looks like the siege quietly broke... enough goblin casualties, I guess? The problem, though, is that there are still enough goblins and friends trapped inside that we can't just go out and do stuff.

Actually... On second look....



I can't really tell because of all the miasma, but I think the last remaining invaders are down there in the pit. Unfortunately, they're mostly crossbows and bowmen, but I think we can handle them. Especially if they're stuck in the pit. I think we just won, guys. Well, minus the roc....

I counted 16 total invaders. Of those, 14 are in the pit, and I just found 2 more in the grinder, trapped between the pits created when the trolls took out the grates. It looks like the trap tunnel is going to be unnecessary. Nevertheless, I'll still be outfitting it later, just in case. I will, however, move the building destroyer trap up to snare trolls and the ilk before they get to the grinder.

Uh-oh. Humans are here. I still haven't cleaned the elves out of the depot (or what's left--mostly camels) and the roc is running around.

Or... it was? Now I can't find HIM on the units list. And I KNOW it can't be what happened to the hell-squirrel, since the overland area is always revealed wholly to you.

Wait. He's dead? But... But how?

Oh my god.



So... he didn't have anyone to terrorize, so he flew into the filth... and since it was a ROC, they fly. So when he passed out, he fell, broke his spine, and suffocated.

*Facepalm*

And the humans spawned on the south side, away from the muck. So as long as nothing ELSE shows up, they'll come trade and we'll be happy.

So this time, I don't intend on actually trading away ANYTHING of use. It'll just be garbage, mostly stuff from the elven caravans. They had a barrel of Gnomeblight, so I probably won't need much else. (Gnomeblight is an extract from one of the plants that is deathly poisonous to gnomes, but notoriously impossible to actually apply. It's real expensive, though.)

I picked up most of the usual: leather, bags (some with sand), any metal they had, cages (some with animals), and their booze. I even took their pre-cut gems and some rope, just because I had more than enough. Like, it was kind of ridiculous. Oh well. It happens when you have an entire caravan commit suicide in your depot.

"'Miner 2' Dakaskilrud, Craftsdwarf cancels Eat: Interrupted by Goblin Bowman." Yeah, the one that's still in the pit. I SUPPOSE I should deal with them....

I just realized something. When I made the second squad of archers, I never actually gave them permission to use any ammunition.....

Whoops!

Yeah, that's fixed. ._.



Ahh, I love watching goblins get perforated and being unable to do anything about it.

Okay I'm not sure why everyone wants to take the Dodge-Me path, but I'm putting a stop to THAT. Traffic designations, away!!

Ugh.... It's 18th Limestone (7th month, Early Autumn) and there are 7 goblins, a cave croc, and the evil centipede still left alive in the pit. I'm bringing in the melee squads to clean this up, since they're mostly crippled, but I'm having difficulty getting the archers to reload after they empty their quivers--they're content to just walk a circle around the goblin pit.

Cave crawler finally ate some bolts and went down. I think the only one who's untouched is the mace lord. Unfortunately, everyone else is a crossbowman or bowman. I brought the archers in for another round of shooting while the militia gathers.

Crocodile's down, too. Just goblins left, it seems... ugh. At least everyone but the mace lord is so crippled, they won't pose a threat. I'm gonna open a path in and have EVERYONE jump the mace lord. Take him down first.

Hey, new migrants. Come on down everybody. Stay out of the shit though.

Okay, so nobody can get anywhere near the pit to open it up, since they see the gobbos and freak. So I'm digging a new tunnel that goes around their line of sight, then putting the military on goblin killing duty for real. Giving them some time to rest and get the other civvies out of the way though, because STUPID is happening.

Finally. Practically the second we opened the path, the mace lord made a beeline for our miner--and was met with a bronze pick to the right leg, chopping it off at the knee. Little bugger has ridiculously high weapon skill, though, so she's parrying most of the shots, but when you throw a certain magnitude of dwarves at someone, they go down.

Wow. She's missing half a leg, but still outran most of the dwarves to get out of the tiny hole. However, the wounded archers are coming up now... I'm ordering them to terminate the goblins with extreme prejudice.

Fortunately, the bowmen are wounded, and not gods of war, so they're getting axed up. One of the guys got a shot off, but it shouldn't be an issue.

Haha, a miner finally got a hit in on the mace lord, tearing apart her hand and sticking. Hopefully she passes out soon so we can just wail on her. At least she dropped her weapon. No more parrying!

Crap. She still has her shield, though. At least SOME damage is getting through.

AHAH, THERE GOES THE SHIELD. AND YOUR ARM, BITCH! Fucking masterwork picks are doing some WORK for us. She should be toast now.

Oh you're kidding. The Immortal Chef got shot in the spine... at least it only chipped the bone, instead of inflicting permanent and usually fatal nerve damage. Someone put this asshole down, she's missing two legs!

Goddammit, now the mace lord's ARMOR is deflecting blows. Aaaaaargh, why won't this asshole die?

Finally. Macelord bled to death. One of the bowmen died somehow, too, probably blood loss. Just gotta finish the rest.

Okay. It doesn't look like we had any other casualties, save for a spearman getting shot in the ribs and the Immortal Chef getting shot in the back. Those two will go to the hospital for recovery. Additionally, the resevoir is ready to be filled, at long last! Now all that's left is cleaning up after the siege. Ugh.

So I ordered all the body parts and corpses to be dumped. We'll sort through what can be salvaged for bone later. In the meantime, all the equipment they had--the Goblinite--needs to be retrieved, hatches need to be replaced and linked, and I need to set up the anti-troll device. That's going in right now, actually.

Oh boy, the cook got possessed! Let's see what he makes, cause it's an unnamed migrant...

Sweet, he took a mechanic's shop. He won't get legendary, but he WILL make artifact mechanisms.



"Sootcurled the Released Heaviness" is the artifact grate I got a while ago, the one with the pair of engravings of some "Doren Wheelsteel" who I've never seen and have no idea who he is. Curious....

Well, I think this is a good place to call it. It's the 13th of Sanstone (8th month, Mid Autumn), and the dwarves will be coming soon. Our to-do list consists of the following:

Clean and repair the Goblin Grinder, and install the anti-troll feature.
Chop down ALL the trees, because we haven't gone wood-farming for a while
Mine out a space for, and set up, a textile industry, because everyone's clothing is wearing out and needs to be replaced en masse.
Butcher ALL the animals, and clean out our cages.

Next time, I'm going to start digging out space for individual bedrooms, instead of the dormitory situation we have now, and go diving for magma. And to do that, we'll need to kill the hell squirrel...

Hecka wicked awesome.

This LP is just going from strength to strength.

Soon. Soon, we will destroy the Hellsquirrel. But first, we have to clean up after Goblin Christmas. The cleanup is always the worst part. Especially terrible to watch, as it's really even less interesting if you're not actually playing it.

Every available dwarf is working on hauling the garbage out from the siege, or working on repairing the grinder, so we'll have to wait a bit for the actual killing. Plus, the plan requires some mining, so, that'll have to happen. However, I'm going to get our tailors to work finally, churning out some outfits for every man and woman. No children because children are currently bugged. Just imagine, I guess.

Plus, who would raise a kid out in this hellhole? This is a mining outpost, plain and simple. A mining outpost in the middle of hell, no less.

Dwarves are here. Gonna trade them all the worn-out clothes that our guys are dropping everywhere. I've got enough crap built up from the caravan that exploded, that I won't have to worry about trading for several seasons.

Still waiting for ALL of the hauling to get done... ALMOST considering wheelbarrows, but then I'd have to reorganize my stockpiles, and I just really don't wanna do that.

Bought more of the usual--fuel, wood, metal, ore, booze, leather. Bought some silk, so we don't fail moods as a result. Gonna tuck it away somewhere and leave it forbidden so that it doesn't get used up by accident.

The hauling is going a bit faster, now that I've ordered everyone to leave the wood and the stone for later.

Fuckin' burrows tripped me up again. Nobody was digging out the new bedrooms because they thought they weren't allowed to go there. On the other hand, if you designate a tree for cutting, and it's outside the burrow, a dwarf will take the job but instead of doing it, will spam the ever loving christmas out of you, whining about how he can't go there. Fuckin' jerks.

It is now the 23rd of Slate (2rd month, Mid Spring) in the year 106. I don't actually know when the last time I mentioned the in-game date was, but it was a long time ago. In fact, between this paragraph and the last one, I actually saved the game, turned my laptop off, went to sleep, went about my day, and started playing again at night where I left off. NOTHING OF NOTE has happened since then. The most interesting events (and I use the term loosely) have been:

--An artifact (Possession, so no EXP, and he just made underwear.)
--The redesignation of the quantum stockpile to allow for wheelbarrow usage without clogging up the labor too badly
--The mining of the new bedrooms. They are mostly installed, save for a couple dozen, and the stone is almost smoothed out and prepped for engravings.
--A migrant wave just now.

That's it. That's fucking all that happened. If I had to pick one update to be the boring one, this would be it. Sometimes, the game is just boring, though, and it's an unavoidable fact about life. Sometimes, life is boring, and ergo so id DF. These cleanup tasks must be done for the greater good. At least you guys get to skip past it. If you really want to know what watching dwarves move garbage around for months and months looks like, well, use your imagination.

Elves are here. I don't wanna deal with this shit right now. The job list has pages and pages and pages of "Dump Item" tasks as a result of me ordering dwarves to strip out of all their worn out clothing as they replace it with new stuff, and then there's the "Store Item in Stockpile" tasks that are also filling up the queue. I don't really expect us to get much to the depot in time... but then, I ALSO don't expect elves to bring anything of worth. Hell, I'd be impressed if they didn't get murdered again. God I hope we don't get sieged again right now, that would be awful.

Yeah, just as expected. Elves survived to trade, thankfully, as they'll carry my garbage off the map. Took some booze, splints and crutches cause I could, sand bags, and as much cloth as I could afford, just because it's not ENTIRELY useless now. Can still subside on my own, by far. What I'm really wanting to do is to dig down and go find some magma, and kill the hell squirrel, but there's still lots of hauling that needs to happen before I'm quite ready for that.

Cool. We just got an artifact blowgun. It is impossible to manufacture blowdarts, and the only creatures that make them do so in very finite quantities, are not willing to share, and don't make them in very high quality. Blowdarts also suck. Oh, and it was another possession. So that "cool" at the beginning was entirely sarcastic. I almost said ironic, but then I remembered that it would be an incorrect usage of the word and that I should commit seppuku if I typed it out.

Oh man! A werereature showed up!

At least I think it's a werecreature... It might not be, though. It might be a necromancer. Which would be extremely unfortunate.

Actually, on second thought, it's very likely a necromancer. Werecreatures get announcements when they spawn, but necromancers arrive in stealth mode, and this one showed up near the middle of the map, next to an eagle.

Anyway. Werecreatures are absolute jokes in DF. They're ordinary humans/elves/dwarves/kobolds/goblins/whatever when it's not a full moon. However, with the way the time schedule works, they're "dangerous" a very, very small part of the year, and tend to run away in fear when they're not transformed. Necromancers, on the other hand, are bad news. They will reanimate any corpses or corpse pieces they can find, and those things will start attacking you. I lucked out on the undead front, because every evil region I've ever played in up until now has a passive curse on the ground, which is functionally equal to having a necromancer reanimate EVERYTHING on a timer. It's bad news.

However, this whatever-it-is is squatting in the filth, so I'll let it go for now. If it gets within range, though, it can say hello to the goblin grinder. Or a hail of silver. Either or.

Yeah, no, on third thought, probably werecreature. It took off in the other direction and left as soon as I unpaused. Typical behavior.

Well, poop. Goblins are back.

Okay. This is a good place to call it. Boredom is officially over. I've ordered all the construction breaches to be sealed, forbidden everything on the surface, and put the dwarves in Lockdown Mode. All that's left is to get everyone inside. Casualties at this point are a result of "oh well, I got careless." Otherwise, we'll see how the newly improved defenses work!

This has been pleasingly epic.

Artifact...underwear?

This is a thing that is honest-to-God implemented?

Technically, he made "braies." I had to look them up too. They were leggings, of about the length of modern-day shorts, worn by Celtic and other Germanic people, and spread around in the middle ages, during which time they were almost exclusively worn as underwear.

Oh, and you can also get thongs. I remember a game where someone got an artifact thong, and it was studded with so many spikes they ended up calling it the Chastity Belt.

I'm torn between awe at the dedication to detail and awe at its sheer silliness.

Before we get this trainwreck rolling on to the next station, I feel the need to pause and just take a moment to talk, right down to earth, in a language that everyone here can easily understand.

I fuckin' love you guys.

Seriously. It's cheesy as all hell, but a big part of why I'm doing this is for you. Well, for me, through you... Lemmie just back up a bit. This LP actually started when Brickroad said on one of his streams (I forget where) that he would watch someone stream Dwarf Fortress. This motivated me to go download and figure out XSplit, and I managed all of one stream, which all of two people attended (at separate times), before the stupid thing just borked up and I couldn't get it to stream at all. To this day, whenever I boot it up, it just drops 100% of the frames until I shut it off.

Between that one stream, and when XSplit decided not to pay attention to my shitty peasant laptop, it was suggested to advertise on the Talking Time forums. People love a good roguelike, after all! So I was lamenting the loss of my streaming ability, and it hit me: why not just do a screenshot LP? Dwarf Fortress, as I've found, lends itself much better to a traditional, "old-school" screenshot LP, as opposed to this new-fangled technology. It allows me to put a slightly more creative spin on things, as I fashion myself a good writer, and it allows me to cut out the tedious parts of the game (like the entirety of the last update) with minimal effort on my part.

Why does this matter? Simply put, I'm not the strongest person around, and I don't mean physically (though you wouldn't catch me winning any weightlifting competitions, either.) It's pretty gosh darn easy for me to devalue myself. On the other end of the spectrum, when I'm in a good mood, I can get pretty vain. My biggest weakness, plain and simple, is other people giving me their approval. Just imagine me as one of those tiny little lap dogs that practically lose control of their bowels when you say "Good boy!" and rub their belly.

So, at first, I really didn't have high hopes for this LP. Didn't expect a good viewcount, didn't expect much participation, didn't even expect anything interesting to happen. At this rate, it seems I could probably be a pretty swell good luck charm for gambling: if I get a feeling like something's not gonna happen, go all in on it. From the attack of the goddamn batman, to the spectacularly poor performance on that siege, to the hilarious luck I've been having with titans and megabeasts (I look forward to seeing what anticlimactic death is dealt to the Hell-squrirel), it's been one wild ride after another. I can easily say this has been my most interesting run at Dwarf Fortress yet; while I've got lots of academic knowledge about the game, most of my forts fail because I'll either get bored after it even looks like I might be stabilizing in the next decade, or I shut it down when shit first hits the fan.

This time, though, things started going wrong much earlier than they usually did, but instead of bailing, I had a vested interest in embracing that most awful maxims of twitter culture, #YOLO. And indeed, it has not failed me yet: I've succeeded in overcoming challenges I never would have encountered if I were playing on my own time, I've given you all a wonderful show, and in return, your words of encouragement make it all worthwhile for me. So thank you.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled program.



GETINTHEDOORGETINTHEDOORGETINTHEDOORGETINTHEDOORGE TINTHEDOORGETINTHEDOORGETINTHEDOOR

Okay. So before I unpause, I do a quick survey around the map, to make sure that there aren't any dwarves who are too far out and about to return safely. I'm also curious if there are any archers (it looks like the only squad so far is down in the lower left, near the entrance to the trap tunnel). Well. I found this. And it made me very, very upset.



That right there, is the goblin general. The commander, the leader, the king, the emperor, El Presidente, whatever you want to call him, he's the guy in charge.

He's also a motherfucking demon.

Remember how I said we were going to go fight the Joker if I ran out of things to do? Well, we don't have to go looking for him, cause he fucking came to our house! Needless to say, we are not prepared to fight demons. They're massive, which gives them ridiculous bonuses to combat on top of their already-legendary weapon skills, and also makes them immune to death-by-drawbridge. (Don't even try, because the bridge will actually deconstruct.) They're typically immune to magma, don't need to breathe, are immune to traps, have special attacks, the whole nine yards. And they never come alone. This one may not have any demonic friends to back it up, but it's leading an entire siege, with mounts, trolls, archers, stupid numbers of goblins to overwhelm us...

Nope. I do not have faith. I'm sealing up ALL the way. Not even letting these guys play in the trap tunnel. If I close off the passages that lead to dwarves, they won't even go to the tunnel. Though the building destroyers (including Ustru here) will still go fuck up buildings. Fortunately, I have a nice, juicy artifact grate that's just lying around for them to go play with. They can't wreck it, they can't even damage it, but it won't stop them from trying. This WAS going to be the crux of my plan; lure them in and drop a house on them, but I don't think we're going to have very good odds. I might have to set up a cave-in actually. There are very, very few ways that are guaranteed to deal instant death to any creature, regardless of its attributes, and they include being incased in obsidian (which we can't do for a LONG time) and being flattened under a properly-executed cave-in.

Ugh. Gods above, I was NOT prepared for this. Not even a little bit prepared.

Okay. I'm gonna take this slowly. As soon as most (not all, just most) of the outdoor dwarves are in past the trading depot, I'm ordering that gate shut. From there, the only way in is through the trap tunnel, which I'm ALSO ordering sealed. I never did link the bridge, so it'll have to be done via a rock that's just sitting there. I pray to EVERY SINGLE GOD that it goes up in time, or this will be a very short siege.

RIP Axeman 3-2. You got clubbed by a maceman and went down in one hit. May your coffers never empty and your socks always be warm. We did get 4 guys inside, though, so there's that. Now to pray the walls go up in time....

RIP Spearman 4-3. You suffered a similar fate, being jumped by 3 goblins in the filth, and died without inflicting a wound upon them. May your coffers never empty and your socks always be warm. It looks like our walls are up, though... so there's that. Thank raptor jesus. Holy shit guys. This is gonna be the one.

Ahah, now we discover if the anti-troll trap works....

Well, first the troll went after the bridge that was supposed to kill him, but won't, because it wasn't linked up in time. Since it was lowered, it was a valid target for his wrath, and since it was closer, it was the first target.

Wait, no, I take it back. There's a weird bug in the game, in that building destroyers actually have to target a building that's one tile away from them. So they're standing on the bridge, but trying (and failing) to wreck the grate. Success! They are immobilized, and hopefully, the demon will be as well.

The squads that started closer to us are starting to stream in now.... enjoy the goblin grinder, bitches!

Some of the goblins went down the middle two paths that I'd trapped. Another goblin went into an untrapped passage, but all seven of them are rigged to prevent a goblin from escaping, at the very least. So I may not have a Goblin Grinder, necessarily, but at least I have a Goblin Motel.

They check in, but they don't check out!

I may need bigger and beefier troll defenses, though. Some of them walked past the allure of the artifact.... At least I have a couple now. I might just throw them all down in the trap hall.

Okay. So far, the only threat to my safety is if the demon shows up and doesn't care about the pretty little grate I've laid out for him. I REALLY hope that doesn't happen but it's still technically possible. I sent archers down to perforate the trapped trolls, though. Meanwhile, goblins aren't going to be doing much of anything, thanks to dwarven engineering.

The troll trap is now soaked in troll blood. Mmm.... troll blood.

Actually no, troll blood is pretty disgusting.

Oh boy. Here comes the demon....





Shit. He ran right on by. And demons are immune to traps, including pressure plates, so he'll probably just walk right on out of the trap hall. Crap. We're pulling the plug on this. Raising the bridge should break his pathfinding, and he'll just wander off. In fact, if I'm lucky, he'll go for the hatch, since that'll be his only visible target.

Well. We'll find out later. And I don't mean because I'm ending the update. I mean later because, when you have all the bullshit on the map that I do, your frame rate slows to a crawl. At the beginning of the game, you can get hundreds of frames per second (the game caps it at 100 by default, but you can override this.) Around the mid game, 50-70 is a good average. I'm getting between 12-15. This is, in fact, really shitty. But typical. And a good reason for me to kill these goblins, as pathfinding (even futile pathfinding) is a very, very, very expensive process.

So it's siege engine time.

There are two kinds of siege engines. Ballistae and catapults. Catapults are not weapons. They're "Supposed" to be weapons, but they do laughable damage and aren't usually the best method of attack. They do, however, have plenty of ammunition available, as they just use ordinary stones. The denser stones, like cobaltite (or raw platinum if you have it and want to use it this way) will probably do a little more damage, but as socks can kill someone when you rop them on their head, the point is mostly moot. They are, however, useful for two purposes: the efficient transport of stone over long distances, and training up siege operators for the actual weaponry.

Ballistae fire gigantic arrows that have to be specially constructed for the purpose. They have to be made from wood, which is annoying, as wood is a resource that can be troublesome to acquire in huge amounts. In fact, I was harvesting wood when the siege hit. Grumble grumble. HOWEVER. If you use merely wood in your arrows, you will be disappointed when they bounce off most targets. To really see the full distructive potential, each and every arrow needs to be assembled with a metal arrowhead, forged at the metalworks. This requires metal (duh) and fuel, one of which we have in abundance, and the other we need to go diving for.

Since the goblins aren't going anywhere (with the exception of leaving our fort alone for a couple seasons if they get bored), I've got no reason not to go diving for some liquid fuel. It's time to reopen the caverns, ladies and gentlemen. And the hell squirrel WILL perish.



This is probably the dumbest idea I've had all day. And I volunteered to go clean up poop. Regardless, we're doing it anyways, because, why the fuck not? If the squirrel was going to come get us, it already would have. And now we're coming for him.

Hahaha. The demon is still stuck in the grinder, despite being trap immune. He (or a troll, not sure) took out the grate to the north, so they can't go backwards ever... and there's a goblin passed out on the pressure plate that would let him out. (To an area where he still can't DO anything, but, still.) Desperately want to kill him anyways, though, just because he makes me nervous. I even know how I'm gonna do it, too. Just... not until everyone ELSE is dead. As may have been mentioned, he makes me nervous.

Okay fuck it.



Those two numbnuts are stuck on the Dodge-Me, because they thought it was faster to go that way than the ACTUAL faster way, and I sealed them down there. Nothing's come and gotten them, but they're still too fucking stupid to go the right way, so I'm ordering them to kill Ustru or die trying.

Hey, that sounds familiar...

Anyway, since I have nothing better to do for a while, let's see what happens.

Oh hey, the siege broke! It's the 3rd of Limestone (7th Month, Early Autumn), I'm not sure when the siege broke exactly, but the goblins gave up when they realized they were just going to be trapped eternally. Serves them right. Now I just mop up the stragglers.

Eventually.

Right now, I'm probably gonna call it soon. I sent the miners on a humungous mining project that will probably only get one use, but its use will be the slaying of the hell-squirrel. Screenshots are going to be impractical as this thing spans form Z-122 down to Z-108. I'll fire up stonesense and see if I can get a 3-D screenshot once it's dug out, but stonesense doesn't show areas designated for mining, only areas that have already been mined. In the meantime, let's watch the demon kill a couple archers.

For a second I had a heart attack as I got the message "'Bonecarver 1/Chef 1' Vathsithathel, Bone Carver cancels Store Item in Stockpile: Interrupted by Troll." However, that was because someone dropped a couple crossbow bolts when I told them to shoot the trapped trolls from behind fortifications, and fortifications, while blocking pathfinding, do not block either crossbow bolts or line-of-sight, and so the guy went up the stairs, saw a troll, and pissed himself. He won't be doing that again. No danger, though.

*facepalm*

Remember when I said "I look forward to seeing what anticlimactic death is dealt to the hell-squirrel"? Well, I plan on dropping a mountain on him, so that won't be happening. The DEMON, on the other hand....



(�_�)
( �_�)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)

....has fallen, and he can't get up.

Incidentally, that screenshot was number 86. I did accidentally overwrite one screenshot with a duplicate, so it never made it into the updates, but the numbering system remains steadfast. So I guess you could say Ustru....

(�_�)
( �_�)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)

....got 86'd.

I'm... gonna stop now. So what happened was Archer 5-4 showed up, shot ONE crossbow bolt at the demon. He dodged... right into the hole. There IS a staircase down there, but it leads to that single tile staircase that is surrounded on all sides by walls, so he can't go anywhere. I have a demon in a pit, guys. I have a fucking demon trapped in a pit.

Wat do, guys? Wat do?

Use him for target practice?
Though I guess his poisonous spit might make that a rather bad idea, really ;-)

Flood the hallway with water and then drop some magma on his head?
He might be immune to lava but water + lava turns it into obsidian if I'm not mistaken .. and I doubt he's immune to that.

Another alternative would be to somehow drop the roof on his head. No idea how you could do that safely though ;-)

Also, for the record: I am enjoying this thread immensely. So carry on.