Let's Play Lady's Man the King's Quest Variant

Graham doesn't want to be rude and tell the monk that he doesn't believe in this man's false god, knowing that the Queen of Heaven is the only true deity, but he's not going to say no to free stuff. He tries to engage the monk in a religious debate:



Alas, the monk seems unwillingly to have a theological discussion. Graham leaves the church and continues heading east:



"There, the chasm, fill it with your mighty juice"



"Goddamn it Graham! He didn't mean dive into the chasm... It's a metaphor for sex you a-hole!"

DEATH COUNT: 4

Graham finds himself on the edge of a large chasm, one he could have sworn just a minute ago he was careening down the sides of... With no way to go further east or north Graham goes back to the church and heads north:



Able to go east once more and not having, yet, received new instructions from his "friends" he crosses the bridge:



His way once again blocked by the mountains Graham heads north:



Graham tries his best to overcome the magic of the door by brute force... But, it seems whoever made the door already thought of that... The door remains closed.

Unable to go East or North at this point Graham begins wandering westward in the hopes of stumbling upon something himself or being told what to do past the bridge he once again enter the "forest:"



Thanks for pointing that our Parser we might have missed it if it wasn't for you... Graham doesn't even bother looking over his shoulder! He's a king! He walks right in to the tree house:



How Graham or the Parser knows a dwarf lives he is beyond me... I haven't seen any sign of a dwarf or any other living creature in the wilderness since landing on Kolyma. Not that the King cares, he's just here for loot:



Despite being unable to score one of those sweet blue hats, Graham feels pretty satisfied with stealing both the the food and dearest treasure of this Kolyma resident... A warm sense of satisfaction floods over the King and he decides to bask in it... At least until someone gives him something better to do...

Or he can continue wandering?

Kill the monk, because he clearly cannot be trusted. The second you turn your back at the wrong moment, this will happen to you.



As for the door that talks about making a splash, well, maybe the clam would work on it through some bizarre moon logic? Or I guess you could give the chicken soup to Grandma, assuming the wolf hasn't taken her place again.

Honestly, with the low-fi graphics in this one, the un-biggified screenshots aren't so bad.

(So, is it random whether you see Grandma or the Wolf in the cottage when you enter?)

Random. I entered the house about 4 times before I got Grandma. The game does give you some time to escape if it the Big Bad Wolf.

Is the fairy's spell something that has to be acted on quickly? If it wears off, is that one of those Sierra hidden failure states?

And the door wants you to make a splash. So go splash some soup onto everything until the door opens. Or just give it to grandma. Whichever works.

Does the bridge collapse if you cross over it too many times? I have bad memories of something like that ending a game.

It does! If I recall you can only cross the seven times. If you try to cross it for an eighth time it collapses. Graham will discover that later in the game I'm sure.

I haven't tested much with the spell. I'll have to do so... to see if it prevents baddies from appearing on screen or it protects you from them when they do touch you.

I'll keep an eye out to see if the game notifies you of when the spell wears off... Or if the Fairy godmother can bless you multiple times.

I THINK yes and yes....but don't quote me.

"Make a splash"? Hmm. Start jumping into lakes and rivers, and possibly the ocean - ? (Not to solve the puzzle. It's just fun to watch Graham drown.)

Let's start this out with a nice look at the loot Graham just "liberated" from the chest:



I think Graham is up to three pieces from this diamond, sapphire set. A wonderful collection that's sure to make him at mint at Tiffany's, Daventry. With nothing left to abscond with Graham leaves the Gnome's subterranean abode...

All it takes though is a slip on the ladder though and Graham leaves this mortal coil with nothing to show for his life but a bunch of other people's goods, his brains splattered all over the rock, and a mess for the gnome to clean up whenever he gets home:



(You might have been able to tell that Sierra hadn't quite yet got down the idea of making deaths humorous yet. You die some funny music plays and then you get the "Thank you for playing" message from Roberta and Ken. Thankfully this began to be fixed with Space Quest, but we're still a year away at this point)

DEATH COUNT: 5

A quick F7, enter, down, down, enter and Graham is back though. At least developers made it easy to restore games...

Outside of the gnome's house Graham heads west:



Where he runs into Hagatha... Not a good screencap of her here but we'll see her again and I'll make sure to get it then. I'm also sure I'm still under the protection of the fairy so Hagatha would just run away once she touched us (maybe, I'll confirm that if anyone is dying to know.) West once more:







Well, it seems pretty safe here... Graham risks a peak inside the cave:









(I've always thought it was funny how these skulls are all gigantic... Hagatha only eats giants? Is Graham small for his race? Did the sprite artists never communicate with the background artists? Consistency doesn't seem to be valued much here in Kolyma, or Daventry, or Sierra...)



Graham could steal the bird now, but no one has yet told him to and it might be a trick, so he leaves for now and heads back to do what that last voice said to do, "Feed Grandma soup"



"Oh what a nice little boy you are... Though you seem to be suffering quite badly from jaundice.."

That was pretty much all she said before she started complaining about her children never visiting.

Oh dear, I hope "look under the bed" isn't some kind of old lady code for sex... Neither one of them looks like they could handle it...

(a note:if you try this before feeding Grandma the game says you see nothing)



Swanky. Graham is sure to be a hit at Daventry's latest goth nightclub, No One Understands my Pubescent Angst, with these on!

Leaving Grandma before she starts asking Graham to help with the yard he heads south:



No, that does not look lovely at all... It looks blasted and, and wrong.



Oh, you were talking about the other lake! Why didn't you say so! So I can swim in this one?



"Oh Goddess! it Burns! Why does it burn? Why? Why must I suffer endlessly?"

Death Count: 6

West of the lakes:



Once more:



"OMG Guys! A topless fish lady! That's so fucking hot" (note: this is what frustrated prepubescents had to masturbate too before the internet, before AOL, before BBSes. It was a sad time... a dark time...)

If I try to look at her from the shore the parser plays dumb, you have to enter the water, "Swim," get close to her and then "look mermaid:"



If you try to talk to her:



Well, that was helpful you disgusting abomination! Graham returns to wandering around in the woods:





Unattended property? Graham must have dropped it here, last time he visited, yeah, that's the ticket!



More Wanderings commence (don't worry Graham's drawing a map he'll share it with you later.)

More wanderings:



Giant gaping holes are always suspicious; Graham investigates:



I don't know how many rotted stumps I've peered into in my life, a lot. I've never not once found any expensive jewelry. It's mostly dirt and bugs, one time I found a bottle cap!

Graham resumes:



Thank goodness Parser is here to let us know which pieces of wood are and aren't important! East, Graham spies another large hole and investigates:



East again:



Following the chasm north:



Then west:



Then Graham got lost for awhile his not very good spatially...



At least that looks promising.

This appears to be a substantial looking piece of architecture, Graham goes in for a closer look:



"Quaint? That things bigger than my house!" Graham has no idea what the voice is talking about he lives in a castle, one that is at least three screens wide!







"Dammit!" Graham tries a number of illegal means of entry, all of which the Parser seemed to be ignorant of.

West again and we're back to the poison lake:



Another hole! You know what that means? TREASURE!



Graham thinks he's been just about everywhere there is to be in Kolyma except for the southwestern portion of the poison lake so he heads there now:



DUN, DUN, DUUUHHH!

Graham decides to investigate the only way he knows how! Looking at things:



I guess that's Kolyma. Not much really to do. One unhelpful mermaid, a grandma, a witch, a gnome, a closed antique shop, and a castle surrounded by a poison lake...

What the hell is Graham supposed to do with that? Wait, what's this?



Graham tries talking to the little girl:



What luck Graham! You have Red's basket of goodies! Remember the one you stole from Grandma's mailbox? Wait, how does Red know you stole it? Did Red forgot she delivered it? Is she crazy? Quick give it to her before she remembers something!



Those seem much less helpful than a basket of goodies. Having exhuasted his own meager mental abilities. Graham settles down to wait for an idea to come to him, or you know for a voice to tell him to do something. Whatever...

BONUS EASTER EGG!

If you enter the Hagatha cave screen enough times you'll eventually see this:



It even plays a shitty 8-bit rendition of the theme song from the old tv show with Adam West

Find a Jack'o'lantern, put it on top of your head, wear the oversized cloak, and walk up to the poison lake by the castle and claim you are the headless horseman, and if they don't lower the drawbridge you'll... um... carve a mean face into the pumpkin.

Wow, my logical thought of chicken soup for grandma actually worked? I almost thought the solution would be something crazier, like a golden goose egg omelette or nightingale � l'orange.

Anyway, I still stand by monk massacre, since monks are usually evil in these kinda games. And maybe try to woo the mermaid with something shiny, like your trident jewelry. Yes I really wanna see you die more. =P

For all the complaints about Sierra Moon Logic (and KQ is by far the worst offender in that regard), a lot of the puzzles are in fact reasonably logical, or, at least, require some easily-understood lateral thinking.

Should I be thinking about the fact that Grandma seemed to have men's clothing under her bed?

Well, you've got a bunch of jewelry, and you're here to find love, right? How about you give jewelry to the mermaid until she marries you.

I think we should be far more concered that said men's clothes under Grandma's bed are a black cape with red lining and a ring with the initials C.D. on it. Just what the hell has Grandma been up to? I hope you know how to properly use that cross the monk gave you, Graham.

Kiss Hagatha!

Sadly, the fan remake took that idea and ran with it.

Graham likes this idea. He likes it a lot. Except the part where he gives away treasure. As a experienced adventure game protagonist he knows that if he gives treasure away he's going to lose points. Also he's a greedy bastard. He looks through his pockets looking for something, other than jewelry, that a near woman would want.... AHA! he's got it:

]

On the way back Graham tries to look at the various neat things "under the sea" (like the bones, coral, fish, shark, starfish, etc.) Parser kicks back the same two messages to each of these:



Graham pulls the cloth piece of cloth out of the bottle Neptune gave him... (I've never quite understood why this item is in the game, though I know what to use it for. You'll see in a second.)



Well, he was unable to marry the mermaid as the voice in his head requested but Graham feels like he still made out pretty well. Now what did that other voice tell him to do?

Oh yeah... Graham heads off to the Witch's cave:



In his attempt to mack with the green tinted woman, Graham was captured!? Good thing his fairy godmother blessed him:



Once inside the cave Graham drapes the cloth over the cage and picks it up:



LEARNING TIME:

Awesome! Graham now has a bird. What is he supposed to do with it? Wanderings resume... Graham takes in the beauty of the vast chasm, the charms of the poison lake, the witty conversation of Grandma, and the church before recalling that he has a key and he knows of a prominent locked door...



Since he's in the area he heads back over to the house nearby:




Graham also ran into an Enchanter?!



He poofed as soon as he touched Graham without any text boxes explaining his disappearance. No longer harassed Graham enters the building:

Graham tries to look at all the neat/weird brick-a-brack in the antique shop but Parse plays dumb:





Subtle Roberta real subtle. Graham tries to look at the lamp but cannot because:





Graham dodges a bullet and hands over the bird, keeping all the treasure he has worked so hard for:



Well that was rude...



LEARNING TIME
What do you suppose we do with this thing?

Man with a lamp like that there's only one thing to do: fill it with oil and light it on fire.

I dunno, last time we rubbed a suspicious lamp, a genie came out and killed us. Maybe we should just throw it in a cave, to be on the safe side.

Nope, it said it was empty inside. Obviously, we don't have to worry about anything coming out whatsoever.

I say you use it as a makeshift ladle and drain the poison lake.

Kalir, have you learned nothing in any of these adventure LPs? Adventure heroes do not throw things away, ever.



Unable to meet any of the demands the voices in his head are making of him, Graham begins to rub the lamp rhythmically. A trained psychologist might consider it a coping mechanism of some sort... Graham, lost in his own reverie, misses the next events entirely. In the future when re-telling this story he always leaves this part, and the voices too, out and tells people he had these three items all along!?



Without the lamp, and its accompanying rubbing ritual, Graham returns to the present and find his pockets (?) bulking with new loot:



Carrying all of it around reminds him what thirsty work adventuring is, good thing there's a large body of water here for him.



Oh, yeah that was the poisoned lake wasn't it, Graham? Sorry bud!

DEATH COUNT: 7

Graham, who grew up being read stories out of 1001 Arabian Nights, knows exactly what do with a Persian rug that appears magically on your body and recalling the door mentioned heights:



(Graham was hoping this game was 4/21 friendly...)



DEATH COUNT: 8

Stupid Graham... Ok, back on the cliff top:

]

Ok, lets see what items could Graham use on a snake? He has a sword with a snake on its hilt, he has a mallet, a stake, several items of jewelry, a cloak. Any one of those could be used, in real life, to deal with a snake. So could making loud noises or throwing pebbles you can find anywhere at it. If you thought of any of those you were mostly wrong. The sword will work, but you'll be screwed later on. Nothing else effects the snake. What you are supposed to do, what gives you the most points, is wait for it, wait for it...



"What the Fuck!?" I don't know anyone who ever tried this, on their own, as a lad I never got a perfect score on this game and never knew what I was supposed to use the bridle for... I didn't know about this until after the internet came along.

OOokay... Let's ride this thing!



Kill it!



Talk to it...?



A sugar cube? brambles? Sure, why not? I mean you're a snake that turned into a flying horse after a bridle was thrown at it...





Another hole in a rock? I should stick my head in there!



Product placement in 1986? How forward thinking of you Sierra! Into the cave:



*yoink*



Out of the cave and a short carpet ride later and:



With another key in his possession Graham heads towards the magic door and opens it: