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What was your best TT 2.0 post?
- Thread starter Daikaiju
- Start date
I didnt have any good posts.
Balrog
(He/Him)
I'm probably not a great judge but these stand out in my mind:
Or this:
Co-Op commenters say yes! |
Balrog said:
Or this:
Daikaiju said:
Paul Le Fou said:
Balrog said:
Last edited:
Pretty much this entire thread is what I'm proudest of;
On his first day of office, John A. Macdonald was given a telegram from the Then-Queen of England reading that "As Canada is part of the British Empire, it is expected to listen only to Imperial Decree". However, a misprint on the telegram caused it to read "Empirical Decree" and so, John, not being one to defer AWAY from any Queens, said up the Chamber of Undeniable Proof and refused to accept any statements that could not be verified, repeated and observed. This is why, to this day, our nations motto is "PROVE IT, DAMN YOU!"
Alexander MacKenzie was responsible for the creation of the Prairie Provinces by traveling Western Canada and personally removing every mountain by hand, one fist full of rocks at a time.
John A. Macdonald, having gone utterly mad from the rigors of his previous stint as Prime Minister moved back into the Parliament Building and refused to leave. The premiers, being rather polite just decided to let him. He wasn't doing any harm. When he refused to leave his office even to let the cleaning staff in however, they had had enough and they shrank a team of scientists to microscopic size to enter the deranged PMs brain and set right what went wrong. The procedure worked and John A Macdonald was sane once more, but Medical Science being what it was in the late 1800s, accidentally gave him a fatal stroke.
Sir John Abbot was made Prime Minister after being given the Canadian Matrix of Leadership from the dying MacDonald. He rejected it at first, saying "I can't accept it, I'm just a soldier" but he grew into the role and eventually succeded in driving back the armies of the fearsome Walrus Men of the North.
John Thompson was originally called Eric Thompson, but when he assumed the mantle of Prime Minister, he was possessed by the ghost of John A Macdonald, making his first decree that "All Prime Ministers Must Be John" and had his name changed. An Emergency Meeting of Parliamentary Exorcists was called and they banished the specter to The Great Hinterlands, where all Canadians go when they die.
Mackenzie Bowell was secretly two children in a trenchcoat, passing themselves off as a man. When the treachery was discovered, Canadians were so embarrassed that they decided that the last two years "Didn't count". News of this black mark in Canadian History would eventually reach Hollywood where it would become the basis for The Little Rascals.
Charles Tupper only discovered he was Prime Minister when a mailman delivered a letter from the Bowell Rascals (as they became known) saying "This job STINKS, You do it!". The Rascals picked his name out of a hat because "It sounded funny".
Wilfred Laurier was the first Prime Minister to start the ritual of having a newly elected PM kiss the mummified remains of John A Macdonald on the lips for one full minute. Originally he explained that this was to keep the Ghost of Macdonald placated, that he would not rise to threaten our Lands once again, but it was later revealed that he was just into that kind of thing. Nevertheless, it became a long-standing tradition that endures to this day and those who refuse to follow it often end their careers in one term.
Robert Borden was a Carnival attraction that got the office due to voters being so impressed by his skill with thrown knives.
Arthur Meighen completely evaporated in front of horrified spectators during a speech on Parliament Hill. A national holiday was called to force all Canadian citizens to hunt for him, but no trace was ever found. The only clue was that, at that same moment, "Arthur Meighen is on Altair-Four" appeared on every blackboard in the country.
William Lyon MacKenzie King was a small-time grifter who became PM after using his silver-tongued trickery to convince everyone he was the right man for the job, then, after landing office, he ran across the border with all the countries assets. The Canadian People decided not to be fooled by his tricks again.
Arthur Meighen suddenly reappeared on the same hill and continued reading his speech picking up from the same sentence he was reading when he vanished more then five years earlier. It was discovered that Ottawa was built on a fault line in the fabric of space and time leading to a place where time travels at a vastly slower rate. This has since become a popular tourist destination and popular hangout for local college students.
William Lyon MacKenzie King came back into the country saying "I'm sorry about what I did before, but I've changed! It'll all be different this time!" and the people of Canada, being of a rather trusting sort, welcomed him with open arms, even gave him back his old job. Four years later, he stole ALL THE MONEY IN THE COUNTRY and ran back across the border. It was his greatest caper yet, and it single-handedly caused the Great Depression.
R. B. Bennet was an explorer and adventurer of great renown who discovered a new, vast and unmapped area north of Maine. When he ran to the nearest Adventurers Bureau to report his discovery he learned that this vast plain was already known about, colonized and named. Bennet was shocked. Like all Explorers, certainly he had heard of Canada, but he assumed it was merely legend, like fabled Atlantis, or the Moon. He then decided that if he couldn't be Canadas discoverer, then BY GOD he would become its leader.
William Lyon MacKenzie King, up to his old tricks again, once again came across the border to become Prime Minister and make off like a bandit, but he was driven off by Bennets cunningly designed National Defense System, consisting mainly of children hiding in the undergrowth armed with fireworks and making "scary dinosaurs noises". The exact same tactics used over a century earlier to win the War of 1812.
Louis St. Laurent was an eccentric inventor responsible for the creation of over two hundred uses for the Chili Bean.
John Diefenbaker is largely considered to be either a shared hallucination, or a practical joke that went entirely too far. Nevertheless, when he was elected, so many people thought that the ghost of John MacDonald HAD INDEED returned form The Great Hinterlands to rule this country as he had in the past.
Lester B. Pearson was a great humanitarian who fought to give legal rights to Canadas burgeoning Wizard population. This would ultimately prove to be his downfall however, as he was soon after crushed to death by an over enthusiastic hug from a golem.
Pierre Trudeau suffered from moderate to severe coprolalia and as a result was known to use the most offensive slurs possible at all times. This helped his career quite a lot in the seventies as Canada was going through its awkward teenage phase and responded well to his declarations of calling postal workers "Mother ---kers". The man could hyphenate like few others dared imagine.
Joe Clark had poor self esteem and thought that being made Leader of an Entire Country would help boost it a bit. However, after landing his lofty position the Canadian Citizenry realized that they mistook him for Tennis Legend Joesph Clark who had died over two decades earlier at the age of 94. Clark was immediately removed form office and "That Angry French chap" was put right back in.
Pierre Trudeau realized he had accomplished all he had set out to do during his previous run as Prime Minister sat out his term by sitting at his desk and flicking crumpled up balls of paper into the waste basket. He unsuccessfully lobbied to have this entered as part of the Summer Olympic Games, but failed when it was revealed that "The Olympics already have QUITE ENOUGH sports you've nominated, Mr. Trudeau". Trudeau, true to his reputation, called every nation involved with the games a "Mother ---ker" and Canada boycotted the games. Nobody really noticed.
Like John Difenbaker before him, John Turner was a particularly cruel joke played on the Canadian citizenry that managed to spread the fear that The Ghost of MacDonald had once again risen to Plague the World of the Living. John Turner was later revealed to be the mascot for a popular brand of oven cleaner (Have gleaming Burners, with John Turners!) that an unexpectedly large number of Canadians voted for as a result of a write-in ballet.
Brian Mulrooney was a homunculus who was able to run for and became Prime Minister as a result of some of the Pro-Wizard laws that Lester Pearson enacted. He was eventually chased to the town windmill after some of the locals witnessed his drowning of a small child which his half-formed criminal brain did not realize was an act of murder. His wails of "Fire BAD!" eventually found their way on the Mulrooney-stamped Thirty Five Cent Piece, which were quickly pulled from circulation.
Kim Campbell was MI6s top, secret agent, placed high in the ranks of Canadian Government to see if the Canadians were planning to revolt against the British Government as those Tricky Yanks did a few years back. Unfortunately, the British Secret Service did a little too good of a job of placing her in a high ranking position and she found herself as the actual Prime Minister, where she decided to veto a law for Waging a Revolutionary War. While her mission was a success, her cover was then blown and she was forced to fight, tooth and nail against the entire assembly of Canadian Premiers, most of whom were chosen for their matchless skill in armed and unarmed combat.
Jean Cretian was a French spirit medium who managed to harness the awesome political powers of John A MacDonald for himself, but whose own willpower was enough not to let him corrupted by his evil spirit. The constant internal warfare between Kind Humanitarian Jean and Diabolical Spirit, John often manifested itself outwardly as a twisted grimace of concentration and a seemingly nonsensical stream of spells and wishes chanted to keep the Evil of John Macdonald in check.
Paul Martin was tragically standing too close to Jean Cretian during a particularly vicious battle against the Evil Within and was struck by a bolt of mystic energy. This gave him John A. Macdonalds legendary superhuman strength, but also caused him to gradually turn into a tree.
Stephen Harper was created as a result of a clandestine experiement to create the Ultimate Prime Minister, combining genetic materials from all (existing) Prime Ministers, bound together into an indestructible steel-bonded suit.
Hello everyone! It is, once again, the Canadiest Day of the calender and this time, you're Fun-u-cational pal Octo is going to teach you Forty Fun Facts about the True North, Strong and Free!
2. The leading cause of death in Canadians is infection from Wendigo bites.
3. The leading cause of death in Wendigo is infection from Dire-Wolf bites.
4. Until an educational reform in 1964, nobody in Canada had learned of the existence of the number 7.
5. In Red Deer, Alberta, magnets do not function
6. Boasting one of Canada's densest population centers, nothing interesting has ever happened in Toronto
7. If you step off the shoreline in Prince Edward Island, you will find yourself on the shore of the opposite side of the island.
8. Modern science has yet to discover a way to actually leave Prince Edward Island.
9. Nunavut is not actually a Canadian territory, it marks the boundary separating the rest of Canada from Santa Claus' territory. To cross it is to declare war on The True King of the North
10. The Avro Arrow project was scrapped as John Diefenbaker himself could fly at supersonic speeds and did not want competition.
11. Owing to the fact that it was originally settled by the ghosts of slain Viking Warriors, Newfoundland has one of the highest populations of spooks, specters and boogie-men in the Western hemisphere
12. The conflict between Oaks and Maples chronicled in Rushs seminal hit The Trees was a dramatization based on a true story. Only one of the Maples was carrying a saw, and it was later found to actually be a fish-scaler.
13. At no point has any Canadian Citizen ever been able to recall which of the Prairie Provinces is which, when pointed out on a map.
14. For three months in 1984, all the ground water in Saskatchewan was replaced with olive oil. No explanation has ever been given.
15. It is customary for any Canadian paying with a $20 bill to kiss the picture of the queen before handing to the cashier.
16. Ottawa was the city chosen for the Nations Capital as "it felt like it was about in the middle".
17. The Parliament Building contains hidden clues as to the whereabouts of the Secret Real Capital of Canada
18. The cattle run Calgary, Alberta and do not hide it. Every year they trample several people while running through the city and the police are powerless to stop them.
19. The town of Dildo, Newfoundland was named in honor of famed resident Tobias Sandell, who won a Nobel Peace Prize for his accomplishments in the field of synthetic phallus construction.
20. The Calvin & Hobbes collection "Yukon Ho" remains the most influential piece of Canadian fiction ever written. There is a museum dedicated to it in Whitehorse.
21. The city of Moncton, New Brunswick is protected on all sides by tornadoes.
22. The Province of Quebec has the highest percentage of out-of-work Carnival Employees of anywhere else in the world.
23. The Canada Arm on the Space Shuttle was originally built to win an international arm-wrestling competition, but was disqualified for being non-regulation.
24. Nova Scotia is famous for creating the "Donair", a kind of wrapped meat that tastes like a heart attack and is made from the meat of hearts of people who died of heart attacks.
25. Famous Canadians include Pierre Trudeau, Leslie Neilson and Amuro Ray, from Mobile Suit Gundam
26. According to Manitoban Law, it is considered a felony to communicate or be seen with, anybody named Jack. Minimum sentence of 5 years in the salt mines.
27. Famous explorer Randolf St. Croix (1895-1988) was the first person to successfully dog-paddle from the west coast of the country, up through the Arctic, and come to a rest at the east. He claimed it was an accident.
28. Brian Mulroony, after seeing Terminator for the first time and not getting a wink of sleep afterwards for a week, outlawed all machines. The law was repealed three days later after the Prime Minister was sufficiently assured that the movie wasn't real.
29. Canada remains the Number One producer of levers, pulleys and wedges in the world.
30. The Canadian Shield was erected to keep the inner provinces of Canada safe from the Hudson Bay, the worlds most actively hostile body of water.
31. Hockey Commentator Don Cherry is a highly sophisticated android originally built out of left over pieces of Herbie the Love Bug, a Zellers clothing mannikin and a fog-horn.
32. Tim Hortons is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, including holidays.
33. It is traditional for every meeting of the Canadian Senate to open with a vote on what name to give to the Northwest Territories. No decision has ever been reached, and the vague description remains.
34. Despite being the Sovereign Ruler of a Foreign Land, Santa Claus has a Canadian mailing address.
35. The game of Pinball is outlawed for citizens under the age of 19 in most provinces.
36. The Queens Privy Council for Canada is a a group of extremely-high level elected officials that serve the Queens interests in Canada. Specifically those in relation to toilets.
37. British Columbia rises from the depths of the Pacific Ocean for one day every five years.
38. The only historical figure the people of Labrador hold in esteem is Pedro Gomez Labrador, the only plant that grows in Labrador is the Labrador Tea, the only music on the radios in Labrador is Danish pop band "Labrador" and the only breed of dog anyone owns is the Dachshund.
39. Canadians set aside one hour each day to practice their choreography and singing just in case they are ever called upon to form a flash mob.
40. Clouds do not form over Nova Scotia
There you go! Now you've learned everything I can legally teach you without being brought up on treason charges! So have a Happy Canada Day and Keep Watching the Skies
Ladies and Gentlement, I have GOOD NEWS, it's the CANADEST day of the year again!
In previous years, I told you all about how Canadians celebrate this festive season, given you a brief primer on all of our Great Nations dads, and offered up fifty completely true facts. Now, I think it's time we "rapped" a bit about the geography of Canada!
Canada is divided into ten provinces (which are like your States, except there are fewer, and so learning their capitals is super-easy), three Territories (which are like Provinces, except colder). We also have the parts of the North Pole that Russia doesn't care about.
British Columbia
Where the Sun shall be fall
Official Animal: The Wendigo
Official Plant: The Strangling Hibiscus
Originally founded by terribly lost explorers in 1877, the English settlers who first colonized this province thought they had landed in the tropical climes of South America. They eventually learned their mistake when it began snowing and, slightly later, when they all died from a combination of exposure and Wendigo bites. The name, however, managed to stick and it's been a popular tourist destination ever since.
Alberta
First in Tectonics!
Official Animal; the Millipede
Official Beverage; The Shameful Texan (Diet Mr Pibb, Sasparilla and a single Twizzler)
As part of John Dieffenbakers efforts to make Canada seem less threatening to our Neighbors to the South, Alberta was constructed wholly to emulate the United States most noteworthy features. However, owing to a slight lack of research on Mr. Dieffenbackers end, the only aspects to come through were "Cowboys" and "Earthquakes". As the region that would eventually become Alberta was mostly desert wasteland following the War on Christmas, the climate was naturally inviting to Cowboys, farmers and roving bandits. In order to simulate the Californian Earthquakes that had so captured his imagination as a schoolboy, Dieffenbacker constructed his own faultline through the center of the province, managed by powerful Earthquake Factories.
Saskatchewan
Canadas Oreo
Official Animal: The Mako Shark
Official Schoolyard Punishment: The Purple Nurple
As the middle of the three Provinces nobody can tell apart, Saskatchewan struggled all its life to find its identity. It lacked Albertas rough and tumble attitude, or Manitobas no-nonsense work ethic, its population was made up mostly of dentists and sad, sleepy people and even its geography was entirely flat. Thomas Scott, the first premier of Saskatchewan, desperate to make sure his rectangle-charge would be remembered for something, instituted a mandatory "Silly Hat Day" on the fifteenth of every month. His plan worked and Saskatchewan is now the most visited province in our great nation.
Manitoba
Land of a thousand Winnipegs
Official Animal: The Frankenstein
Official Language: Glossolia
Owing to a strange defect in Earths magnetic field, the city of Winnipeg frequently experiences many peculiar events. Much has been made of little Sally Hastings, the five year old who, while playing hopscotch in 1947, wound up jumping twelve miles straight up, landing, safely, two days later in a neighbors garden. For roughly seven hours every May, the city plays host to the wandering thunder-lizards of Earths distant past. For most of 1955, a huge eye appeared in the sky, dominating the horizon. While initially alarming, these and other such events have become commonplace to the residents, giving birth to the popular expression "As impressed as a Manitoban".
Ontario
Where Shadows Lie
Official Animal: The Bandersnatch
Official Song: The "Tums" jingle
Much of Ontarios topography was the result of John A Macdonald, the Spectral Prime Minister, and his dedicated long-term plan to destroy the nation he founded, such as his attempt to pour out all of Canadas water through the Niagra Falls (then called the Niagra Desert), the Weather Dominator in Thunder Bay, and the creation of Ottawa which, if viewed from the air, originally resembled a bisected triangle within a circle. A clear indication of Macdonalds plan to find the Deathly Hallows and secure his position as the greatest dark wizard of all time.
Quebec
Je ne pas un Province
Official Animal: The Streptobacilis
Provincial Capital: Quebecsylvania
Quebec phases into and out of sync with the rest of Canada frequently, giving rise the the fanciful concept that the province itself has seperated from Canada. The simple truth of the matter is that much of Quebec is comprised of pure Cesium and so, the province has an exactly 50% chance of existing at any given time and only resolves itself one way or the other when it is observed. Erwin Shroedinger tried to use Quebecs nature to explain the paradox involved in quantum mechanics, but later decided to talk about poisoning cats instead, as that was a concept that people could understand far more quickly then the idea of Montreal.
New Brunswick
Fans of Stew, Undivided
Official Animal: The Dire Wolf
Official Book: "ZFT", the fictional book from the Hit TV series "Fringe"
Much has been made of New Brunswick and its tropical jungles, tall mountains, and sizable Dire Wolf population, but surprisingly little has ever been said of its oceans, which exist above sea level, or its candy mines, where raw marshmallow is hewn from the living rock. Much of the obscuring of these facts is part of an elaborate propaganda campaign against the province, launched by its old, bitter rival Old Brunswick.
Nova Scotia
Where you go when you die
Official Animal: The Ghost
Official Greeting: "Boo"
Owing to the provinces unusually high number of haunted houses, it quickly became apparent that Nova Scotia exists to serve as geographic location of the Afterlife for all major religions, though, in recent years, the population density has shifted to allow many other forms of undead beings as well, such as vampires and wights. While the move has been unpopular with some residents they are unable to properly voice a concern, due to their inability to communicate by any means other than rattling chains and slamming doors.
Prince Edward Island
Until the prince rises, we will defend him
Official Animal: Mr. Potato Head
Official Spokesmodel: Mrs. Potato Head
An artifical island whose location was chosen to be in the central point of Canadas natural healing energies (the source of the countries free health care), Prince Edward Island was a kind of plague ship, used to inter the lost Prince Edward until such time as his body, badly injured in the war between the Normans and the Saxons, could naturally heal, a squadron of his best soldiers were sent to safeguard his body until the process could be completed. While the process has yielded questionable results (notably, while the prince lives and has been slowly growing healthier, his body has shrunken, his hair turned red and his skin white and freckled. Many of his attending physicians call him "Anne"), his retainers still remain viliant, well into their 400th generation.
Newfoundland and Labrador
Whadda y'at? Stay where yer at, I'll come where yer too
Official Animal: The Cod
Official Food: Unspeakable
Fearing that the results of a surge in Newfoundlands population would cause the island province to begin sinking beneath the waves, the St. Laurent parliament established Labrador as a dirt-farm, where spare land-mass could be safely cultivated and shipped to Newfoundland, in order to make sure that some part of it would stay above the sea. Pure Labrador Dirt and Dirt Products (such as mud and gravel) have proven extremely popular abroad. Much of Canadas wealth comes from the exporting this valuable supply.
And the three terrirtories; where Canadas Final Bosses live;
The Yukon
Our children are awful
Official Animal: The Human Being
Most common occupation: Crazed prospecter
As indicated by an early geological analysis of the territory revealed, the mineral content of Mount Logan is mostly made up of Philosopher Stone. Due to the mountains elevation, Philosopher radiation has rendered much of the territory uninhabitable, as most minerals caught within its field become gold. Hoping to save Canadas economy from the devaluing of gold, much of the mineral was sent down the river to the rocky mountains. Many of Yukons population is employed by mining excess gold and, frequently, by dressing up like ghosts in order to scare other miners away from their claims.
The Northwest Territories
Our Provincial Motto contains Words
Official Animal: The Animal
Official Greeting: "Hello"
One of the last areas of Canada discovered, the Great Cartographers who named all of Canada were plainly getting tired and just opted to offer a place-holder name until they could think of something better. Nothing else was ever decided and a standing bounty of a Fifteen Dollar Canadian Tire gift card has been offered for the brave soul who could think of a name for the place. Much like how Australia was once used by the British in order to house dangerous convicts, The Northwest Territories is a penal colony for Canadas most notorious citizens, such as Johnny "No Thanks" McGraw (sentenced for swearing a cuss at a vicar) and Thelma "Spitballs" LeBlanc (who drank Canada Dry).
Nunavut
Hark, hear the bells
Official Animal: Toy-Making Elf
Official laugh: Ho Ho Ho
Originally a vast land-bridge that connected Canada to the North Pole, Nunavut was shattered into dozens of frozen islands as the last act in the War on Christmas, necessitating an uneasy peace between Canada and Santa Claus that lasts until this day. The terms of this peace are simple enough; like the Rubicon of old, any Canadian citizen that full cross the icy expanses of Nunavut will be declared an enemy agent and will be destroyed by Holiday Magic, Santa is to be declared the One True King of the North and all Canadian citizens are to be extra polite and stay on the Nice List.
And that's where you'll be if you go anywhere in Canada! I hope you can understand why our so much of our great nation is has been referred to as being "a part of Canada"
Salutations et bonne journée à ce sujet, la cinquième discussion annuelle Jour Octopus Prime Canada. Comme par le passé, je vais prendre une pause de ma niaiserie habituelle pour vous expliquer tous un petit quelque chose sur la façon dont ce grand pays fonctionne. Il est mon espoir que vous allez apprendre un petit quelque chose, et vous pensez du Canada comme étant plus juste chapeau Amériques que
Just like America, Portugal, Hogwarts and the planet Jupiter, Canada has a multi-tiered governement. All of which is totally subserviant to the Queen of England. This is why her face graces all of our money and why we must all glance over our shoulder, towards England, if we say something impolite. Second in importantance only to the Queen is, of course, Santa Claus, the One True King of the North. Though the North Pole is a sovereign nation, his close proximity to us means that every Canadian Citizen is under strict orders to be nice all the year round, and never enter the naughty list. Santa pays closest attention to us, but his attention starts to waver once he gets down as far as North Dakota or so.
Past all the supernatural beings, Canada is ruled by a Prime Minister, who is like our national Dad. The first Prime Minister was John A. Macdonald, whose ghost still haunts the Parliament Building, and is waiting to take every dead Canadian to the Great Hinterlands when they pass away.
When a new Prime Minister takes office, he is to put a mix-tape of his own choosing on the Parliament Buildings PA. When it stops, his term is over and a new election is held. In the event a Prime Minster dies before his term can be completed, the special Parliamentary Exorcist/Spirit Medium committee is assembled to divine the PMs wishes.
Canadian elections are fairly simple affairs where the attractiveness of each candidates haircut is evaluated, compared and judged. Whoever has the nicest hair is elected. This is largely the same process as an American election.
The Prime Ministers main job is to tuck five randomly selected Canadian Citizens into bed every night, and to do some general tidying up around the house after everyone has gone to sleep. Sometimes they also go to the animal pound and adopt (or at least name) a kitten. But this is mainly during an election year. They are also largely responsible for acting as a peace and good-will ambassador to the Moose, with the hope that they will not destroy so many of our motorists with their bodies.
Under the Prime Minister is the Senate and the House of Commons. The Senate is a large building that looks like it smells like stale pretzels. I'm sorry, whenever that place shows up on the news, I can't think of anything except that it smells like that. If I'm eating pretzels and the a story comes up about the Senate, I just have to stop. The image of the thing, you know? Eww...
The House of Commons is a vast warehouse where Canadians store all their uninteresting and ubiquitous items. Any item easy enough to find to be described as "Common" is stored there until its needed. Be it staples, maple tree leaves, Canadian Tire money or discarded Tim Hortons cups. When a Canadian citizen needs a rubber band or a spare pen, they must write to the House of Commons and await delivery. The House of Commons also includes departments known as "Her Majestys Loyal Opposition" and "The Shadow Cabinet", neither of which are anywhere near as interesting as they sound, I'm certain.
On a municipal level, Canadian cities are ruled by vengeful warlords known as "Mayors" or "Stage Bosses", any Canadian citizen looking to appeal a local law infringment, or seek permission to manipulate their property in a potentially inconvenient way must first battle through all five blocks between the down town region and the mayors pent house and ultimately defeat him or her in hand-to-hand combat. Owing to the mayors martial prowess (most municipal leaders are elected via Rage in the Cage matches) this had lead credence to the popular expression "You can't fight city hall".
Canadians all experience unusually long lives, free of ailments and diseases owing to the natural wellsprings of vitality that emerge in pools from naturally occuring resevoires deep within the Earths mantle. Many Canadians jokingly call this "free health care", as they live forever in unbreakable, beautiful skin that shines like chrome.
I hope this taught you all a little something about what it means when a Canadian says "I'm from Canada".
Welcome and Bienvenue, once again, to CANADA DAY! When all your plucky friends from the Northern Lands gather together, 'neath the maple shrub and sing dirges to pictures of Queen Victoria, and the graceful Hockey Puck.
This year I, once again, have opted to bring you 30 Interesting Fun Facts about your neighbors to the North (unless you do not live in the United States, in which case, please adjust the cardinal direction appropriately).
Bienvenue et welcome, encore une fois, à CANADA DAY! Quand tous vos courageux amis des Terres du Nord se rassemblent, rejoignez l’arbuste en érable et chantez des images de la reine Victoria et de la gracieuse rondelle de hockey.
Cette année, j’ai encore une fois choisi de vous présenter 30 faits intéressants sur vos voisins du Nord (à moins que vous n’habitiez pas aux États-Unis, auquel cas,
veuillez ajuster la direction cardinale de manière appropriée).
1. The average Canadian stands somewhere between 2 and 7,000 centimeters tall.
2. Canadians are credited with the invention of every day objects like "carrots", and "medicine"
3. If a Canadian sees it's shadow, you know they were not born here; Canadians do not cast shadows
4. Every month, the province of Alberta produces its own weight in helium
5. The fables Blade of Geddy Lee lies enshrined somewhere in the Shattered Lands of Nunavet
6. Based on experiments carried out by top astronomers, Canada is the only country visible from Australia
7. Every year the Prime Minister must defend their position by kumite
8. Ever wonder where the ocean goes when the tide goes out? That's right; Montreal!
9. While it is known that Santa Claus has a Canadian postal code, it's less known that the Easter Bunny and Alien Xenomorph also reside here
10. Canadas number one export? Commercials telling children not to shove things in their mouth
11. The surface of Canada contains enough mosquitos to build a bridge to the moon
12. The government of Canada has been attempting to build the mosquito-moon bridge since 1967, after NASA dared them to.
13. A "double double" is a code name for a mystical potion that every Canadian needs in order to function, otherwise their gears wind down
14. If you ever need to cross a body of water, just ask a Canadian, we're legally required to build a small raft for anyone who asks
15. Before legislation was passed in 2007, math was considered "for nerds ONLY" and was not taught in Canadian schools.
16. One of the wonders of the world, "Ol' Gusty" is a tornado that appears in the middle of Banff National Park every day at 3PM, local time. It's always a great sport and happily poses for pictures with fans.
17. Do you know the Times Tables? Well, you've got Canadians to thank for that, too!
18. The official languages of New Brunswick are English, French and Sleestak
19. Popular Canadian comedy troupe "The Kids in The Hall" aren't kids at all; they are all adults.
20. The three most popular names for Canadian baby-class children last year were "Bathaniel", "Scrubbins" and "#teenlife"
21. No Canadians have ever eaten cilantro
22. The average Canadian can not point to The Earth on a map
23. The "double double", a curative elixir peddled by the famed conartist, huckster and snake-oil salesman known as "Horton", only contains sugar, cream and coffee-infused water.
25. The highest point in Canada is Mt. Logan, in the Yukon. It was created to fight Mt. The Incredible Hulk in Manitoba
26. Winter was not invented in Canada, but it was first discovered here
27. It is the official statement of the office of the prime minister that there are no secret dinosaur refuges in Nova Scotia.
28. The leading cause of Death for Canadians in 2018 was "Surprise Volcano"
29. Books do not function in Paris, Ontario
30. The Prime Minister is required to pay a single loonie to any Canadian citizen who brings him a freshly cut daffodil, as part of a motion from the late 1800s to decrease daffodil overpopulation.
There, that's 30 things about Canada I just bet you didn't know, smarty-pants!
WELCOME AND BIENVIENUE once more, to the first day of July! When the Government of Canada, officially announces that it's Okay to Talk About Canada to people not from Canada. People, statistically speaking, like YOU! The reader of this very post!
BIENVENUE ET BIENVIENUE encore une fois, jusqu'au 1er juillet! Lorsque le gouvernement du Canada annonce officiellement qu'il est acceptable de parler du Canada à des personnes qui ne viennent pas du Canada. Des gens, statistiquement parlant, comme VOUS! Le lecteur de cet article!
This year, I thought it would be helpful to talk about the history of this great (as in large) big (as in the Tom Hanks movie) country of ours (by which I mean, mine). You may find that some of the information in this post doesn't quite jibe with the Interesting Fun Facts I've laid out in previous years, this is because the History Books are written by the Winners, and, according to Royal Decree when the country was founded; we're all winners in our own way.
Canada rose out of the seas off the coast of the North Pole in 1772; as a result of an accidental spell cast by Santa Claus (the One True King of the North) experimenting with the then-unknown powers of Christmas Magic. In those wild days, the land was chiefly filled with thunder-lizards of the Earths distant past and, of course, the fey-folke of Irish folklore.
Within about 10 or fifteen years, the Indigineous people of Canada wiped out all the velociraptors and leprechauns, as they were collectively a bunch of real tools.
In the mid 19th Century, the then queen of England, The Queen of England, declared Canada to be part of her domain, raising the ire of its creator, Santa Claus; this was the origin of the War on Christmas still waged to this day. To help bolster the forces of man against the magical ruler, she sent John A Macdonald, Necromancer and Statesman, to the Colony and gave him total control. This was the first Canadian Prime Minister or "National Dad".
When John MacDonald died (some say from choking on a potato chip, others say he simply lost the will to live and willed himself into extinction) another Prime Minister took his place; but the Office of the National Dad has always been on guard, lest the wily spiritualist have found a means to return from the Great Hereafter to rule the land again.
In much of the first few decades of the 20th century, nothing happened. It was pretty chill. Had Netflix been invented, our great land would have been all caught up on it. We invented Winnie the Pooh during that time; that's how little was going on over here.
Eventually, after Nazis happened and we helped explode a whole bunch of them, we kind of settled back down a bit; National Dad, John Diefenbaker had become aware of the invention of the airplane (some four decades previous) and became paranoid that this radical new invention may threaten his own status as Canadas Fastest Man and demanded All Airplanes Stop Production, an edict that lasted until his death by elevator, 8 months later.
Around this same time, the Parliamentary Office of Directions was rocked by the discovery of the direction of "Right", and decided that it shouldn't be just the left side of the country that reaped the benefits of Canadian citizenship, and declared the right side of the Country could be part of Canada too.
The 1960s were a time of turbulent change in much of the world; the ongoing War on Christmas had reached a boiling point it had not seen since Santa blew off a chunk of the Country, forming the Hudson Bay (and its eponymous company), and as a result, Canada opened up its borders allowing for a great influx of people previously banished from society to call this land their new home; much of Canadas current population of Sorcerors, Direwolves and Draculas can be traced back to this time. Santa was moved by this humanitarian effort, and called back his forces.
This move was so popular, that in the 1980s, Canadians elected their first Frankenstein Prime Minister; Brian Mulroney, who was chased into the Parliment Building by a torch-wielding mob after mistakenly drowning a child.
Throughout much of the 1990s, Canadian Culture reached what was unarguably it's highest point; The Kids in the Hall were on TV, The Barenaked Ladies were on the Radio, and Jim Carrey was delighting the world as a menacing cable repairman. No country could aspire to as great a height, and no other has ever tried.
The 2000s were a dark time for our nation, though no records remain that explain what, precisely, it was. John A Macdonalds last act before his death was to place a curse on the Year 2000, releasing the dread creature known as the Millenium Bug to scourge our land of all Technology. However, this curse was laid in the late 19th century, where Technology hadn't advanced much farther than the steam engine, or Fulcrum.
The 2010s were a comparatively quiet decade, as most of the Nation was Really Sleepy. We napped for much of it, and woke up to find that somehow a man with a great haircut was elected Dad.
And that takes us up to the 2020s! And we've only just started those, so it's hard to go much farther than that. But you've read this far, and that's laudable.
Good for you, You Winner!
Alexander MacKenzie was responsible for the creation of the Prairie Provinces by traveling Western Canada and personally removing every mountain by hand, one fist full of rocks at a time.
John A. Macdonald, having gone utterly mad from the rigors of his previous stint as Prime Minister moved back into the Parliament Building and refused to leave. The premiers, being rather polite just decided to let him. He wasn't doing any harm. When he refused to leave his office even to let the cleaning staff in however, they had had enough and they shrank a team of scientists to microscopic size to enter the deranged PMs brain and set right what went wrong. The procedure worked and John A Macdonald was sane once more, but Medical Science being what it was in the late 1800s, accidentally gave him a fatal stroke.
Sir John Abbot was made Prime Minister after being given the Canadian Matrix of Leadership from the dying MacDonald. He rejected it at first, saying "I can't accept it, I'm just a soldier" but he grew into the role and eventually succeded in driving back the armies of the fearsome Walrus Men of the North.
John Thompson was originally called Eric Thompson, but when he assumed the mantle of Prime Minister, he was possessed by the ghost of John A Macdonald, making his first decree that "All Prime Ministers Must Be John" and had his name changed. An Emergency Meeting of Parliamentary Exorcists was called and they banished the specter to The Great Hinterlands, where all Canadians go when they die.
Mackenzie Bowell was secretly two children in a trenchcoat, passing themselves off as a man. When the treachery was discovered, Canadians were so embarrassed that they decided that the last two years "Didn't count". News of this black mark in Canadian History would eventually reach Hollywood where it would become the basis for The Little Rascals.
Charles Tupper only discovered he was Prime Minister when a mailman delivered a letter from the Bowell Rascals (as they became known) saying "This job STINKS, You do it!". The Rascals picked his name out of a hat because "It sounded funny".
Wilfred Laurier was the first Prime Minister to start the ritual of having a newly elected PM kiss the mummified remains of John A Macdonald on the lips for one full minute. Originally he explained that this was to keep the Ghost of Macdonald placated, that he would not rise to threaten our Lands once again, but it was later revealed that he was just into that kind of thing. Nevertheless, it became a long-standing tradition that endures to this day and those who refuse to follow it often end their careers in one term.
Robert Borden was a Carnival attraction that got the office due to voters being so impressed by his skill with thrown knives.
Arthur Meighen completely evaporated in front of horrified spectators during a speech on Parliament Hill. A national holiday was called to force all Canadian citizens to hunt for him, but no trace was ever found. The only clue was that, at that same moment, "Arthur Meighen is on Altair-Four" appeared on every blackboard in the country.
William Lyon MacKenzie King was a small-time grifter who became PM after using his silver-tongued trickery to convince everyone he was the right man for the job, then, after landing office, he ran across the border with all the countries assets. The Canadian People decided not to be fooled by his tricks again.
Arthur Meighen suddenly reappeared on the same hill and continued reading his speech picking up from the same sentence he was reading when he vanished more then five years earlier. It was discovered that Ottawa was built on a fault line in the fabric of space and time leading to a place where time travels at a vastly slower rate. This has since become a popular tourist destination and popular hangout for local college students.
William Lyon MacKenzie King came back into the country saying "I'm sorry about what I did before, but I've changed! It'll all be different this time!" and the people of Canada, being of a rather trusting sort, welcomed him with open arms, even gave him back his old job. Four years later, he stole ALL THE MONEY IN THE COUNTRY and ran back across the border. It was his greatest caper yet, and it single-handedly caused the Great Depression.
R. B. Bennet was an explorer and adventurer of great renown who discovered a new, vast and unmapped area north of Maine. When he ran to the nearest Adventurers Bureau to report his discovery he learned that this vast plain was already known about, colonized and named. Bennet was shocked. Like all Explorers, certainly he had heard of Canada, but he assumed it was merely legend, like fabled Atlantis, or the Moon. He then decided that if he couldn't be Canadas discoverer, then BY GOD he would become its leader.
William Lyon MacKenzie King, up to his old tricks again, once again came across the border to become Prime Minister and make off like a bandit, but he was driven off by Bennets cunningly designed National Defense System, consisting mainly of children hiding in the undergrowth armed with fireworks and making "scary dinosaurs noises". The exact same tactics used over a century earlier to win the War of 1812.
Louis St. Laurent was an eccentric inventor responsible for the creation of over two hundred uses for the Chili Bean.
John Diefenbaker is largely considered to be either a shared hallucination, or a practical joke that went entirely too far. Nevertheless, when he was elected, so many people thought that the ghost of John MacDonald HAD INDEED returned form The Great Hinterlands to rule this country as he had in the past.
Lester B. Pearson was a great humanitarian who fought to give legal rights to Canadas burgeoning Wizard population. This would ultimately prove to be his downfall however, as he was soon after crushed to death by an over enthusiastic hug from a golem.
Pierre Trudeau suffered from moderate to severe coprolalia and as a result was known to use the most offensive slurs possible at all times. This helped his career quite a lot in the seventies as Canada was going through its awkward teenage phase and responded well to his declarations of calling postal workers "Mother ---kers". The man could hyphenate like few others dared imagine.
Joe Clark had poor self esteem and thought that being made Leader of an Entire Country would help boost it a bit. However, after landing his lofty position the Canadian Citizenry realized that they mistook him for Tennis Legend Joesph Clark who had died over two decades earlier at the age of 94. Clark was immediately removed form office and "That Angry French chap" was put right back in.
Pierre Trudeau realized he had accomplished all he had set out to do during his previous run as Prime Minister sat out his term by sitting at his desk and flicking crumpled up balls of paper into the waste basket. He unsuccessfully lobbied to have this entered as part of the Summer Olympic Games, but failed when it was revealed that "The Olympics already have QUITE ENOUGH sports you've nominated, Mr. Trudeau". Trudeau, true to his reputation, called every nation involved with the games a "Mother ---ker" and Canada boycotted the games. Nobody really noticed.
Like John Difenbaker before him, John Turner was a particularly cruel joke played on the Canadian citizenry that managed to spread the fear that The Ghost of MacDonald had once again risen to Plague the World of the Living. John Turner was later revealed to be the mascot for a popular brand of oven cleaner (Have gleaming Burners, with John Turners!) that an unexpectedly large number of Canadians voted for as a result of a write-in ballet.
Brian Mulrooney was a homunculus who was able to run for and became Prime Minister as a result of some of the Pro-Wizard laws that Lester Pearson enacted. He was eventually chased to the town windmill after some of the locals witnessed his drowning of a small child which his half-formed criminal brain did not realize was an act of murder. His wails of "Fire BAD!" eventually found their way on the Mulrooney-stamped Thirty Five Cent Piece, which were quickly pulled from circulation.
Kim Campbell was MI6s top, secret agent, placed high in the ranks of Canadian Government to see if the Canadians were planning to revolt against the British Government as those Tricky Yanks did a few years back. Unfortunately, the British Secret Service did a little too good of a job of placing her in a high ranking position and she found herself as the actual Prime Minister, where she decided to veto a law for Waging a Revolutionary War. While her mission was a success, her cover was then blown and she was forced to fight, tooth and nail against the entire assembly of Canadian Premiers, most of whom were chosen for their matchless skill in armed and unarmed combat.
Jean Cretian was a French spirit medium who managed to harness the awesome political powers of John A MacDonald for himself, but whose own willpower was enough not to let him corrupted by his evil spirit. The constant internal warfare between Kind Humanitarian Jean and Diabolical Spirit, John often manifested itself outwardly as a twisted grimace of concentration and a seemingly nonsensical stream of spells and wishes chanted to keep the Evil of John Macdonald in check.
Paul Martin was tragically standing too close to Jean Cretian during a particularly vicious battle against the Evil Within and was struck by a bolt of mystic energy. This gave him John A. Macdonalds legendary superhuman strength, but also caused him to gradually turn into a tree.
Stephen Harper was created as a result of a clandestine experiement to create the Ultimate Prime Minister, combining genetic materials from all (existing) Prime Ministers, bound together into an indestructible steel-bonded suit.
Hello everyone! It is, once again, the Canadiest Day of the calender and this time, you're Fun-u-cational pal Octo is going to teach you Forty Fun Facts about the True North, Strong and Free!
1. Canada's most commonly spoken languages are English, French, Mandarin and the Mermans Tongue2. The leading cause of death in Canadians is infection from Wendigo bites.
3. The leading cause of death in Wendigo is infection from Dire-Wolf bites.
4. Until an educational reform in 1964, nobody in Canada had learned of the existence of the number 7.
5. In Red Deer, Alberta, magnets do not function
6. Boasting one of Canada's densest population centers, nothing interesting has ever happened in Toronto
7. If you step off the shoreline in Prince Edward Island, you will find yourself on the shore of the opposite side of the island.
8. Modern science has yet to discover a way to actually leave Prince Edward Island.
9. Nunavut is not actually a Canadian territory, it marks the boundary separating the rest of Canada from Santa Claus' territory. To cross it is to declare war on The True King of the North
10. The Avro Arrow project was scrapped as John Diefenbaker himself could fly at supersonic speeds and did not want competition.
11. Owing to the fact that it was originally settled by the ghosts of slain Viking Warriors, Newfoundland has one of the highest populations of spooks, specters and boogie-men in the Western hemisphere
12. The conflict between Oaks and Maples chronicled in Rushs seminal hit The Trees was a dramatization based on a true story. Only one of the Maples was carrying a saw, and it was later found to actually be a fish-scaler.
13. At no point has any Canadian Citizen ever been able to recall which of the Prairie Provinces is which, when pointed out on a map.
14. For three months in 1984, all the ground water in Saskatchewan was replaced with olive oil. No explanation has ever been given.
15. It is customary for any Canadian paying with a $20 bill to kiss the picture of the queen before handing to the cashier.
16. Ottawa was the city chosen for the Nations Capital as "it felt like it was about in the middle".
17. The Parliament Building contains hidden clues as to the whereabouts of the Secret Real Capital of Canada
18. The cattle run Calgary, Alberta and do not hide it. Every year they trample several people while running through the city and the police are powerless to stop them.
19. The town of Dildo, Newfoundland was named in honor of famed resident Tobias Sandell, who won a Nobel Peace Prize for his accomplishments in the field of synthetic phallus construction.
20. The Calvin & Hobbes collection "Yukon Ho" remains the most influential piece of Canadian fiction ever written. There is a museum dedicated to it in Whitehorse.
21. The city of Moncton, New Brunswick is protected on all sides by tornadoes.
22. The Province of Quebec has the highest percentage of out-of-work Carnival Employees of anywhere else in the world.
23. The Canada Arm on the Space Shuttle was originally built to win an international arm-wrestling competition, but was disqualified for being non-regulation.
24. Nova Scotia is famous for creating the "Donair", a kind of wrapped meat that tastes like a heart attack and is made from the meat of hearts of people who died of heart attacks.
25. Famous Canadians include Pierre Trudeau, Leslie Neilson and Amuro Ray, from Mobile Suit Gundam
26. According to Manitoban Law, it is considered a felony to communicate or be seen with, anybody named Jack. Minimum sentence of 5 years in the salt mines.
27. Famous explorer Randolf St. Croix (1895-1988) was the first person to successfully dog-paddle from the west coast of the country, up through the Arctic, and come to a rest at the east. He claimed it was an accident.
28. Brian Mulroony, after seeing Terminator for the first time and not getting a wink of sleep afterwards for a week, outlawed all machines. The law was repealed three days later after the Prime Minister was sufficiently assured that the movie wasn't real.
29. Canada remains the Number One producer of levers, pulleys and wedges in the world.
30. The Canadian Shield was erected to keep the inner provinces of Canada safe from the Hudson Bay, the worlds most actively hostile body of water.
31. Hockey Commentator Don Cherry is a highly sophisticated android originally built out of left over pieces of Herbie the Love Bug, a Zellers clothing mannikin and a fog-horn.
32. Tim Hortons is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, including holidays.
33. It is traditional for every meeting of the Canadian Senate to open with a vote on what name to give to the Northwest Territories. No decision has ever been reached, and the vague description remains.
34. Despite being the Sovereign Ruler of a Foreign Land, Santa Claus has a Canadian mailing address.
35. The game of Pinball is outlawed for citizens under the age of 19 in most provinces.
36. The Queens Privy Council for Canada is a a group of extremely-high level elected officials that serve the Queens interests in Canada. Specifically those in relation to toilets.
37. British Columbia rises from the depths of the Pacific Ocean for one day every five years.
38. The only historical figure the people of Labrador hold in esteem is Pedro Gomez Labrador, the only plant that grows in Labrador is the Labrador Tea, the only music on the radios in Labrador is Danish pop band "Labrador" and the only breed of dog anyone owns is the Dachshund.
39. Canadians set aside one hour each day to practice their choreography and singing just in case they are ever called upon to form a flash mob.
40. Clouds do not form over Nova Scotia
There you go! Now you've learned everything I can legally teach you without being brought up on treason charges! So have a Happy Canada Day and Keep Watching the Skies
Ladies and Gentlement, I have GOOD NEWS, it's the CANADEST day of the year again!
In previous years, I told you all about how Canadians celebrate this festive season, given you a brief primer on all of our Great Nations dads, and offered up fifty completely true facts. Now, I think it's time we "rapped" a bit about the geography of Canada!
Canada is divided into ten provinces (which are like your States, except there are fewer, and so learning their capitals is super-easy), three Territories (which are like Provinces, except colder). We also have the parts of the North Pole that Russia doesn't care about.
British Columbia
Where the Sun shall be fall
Official Animal: The Wendigo
Official Plant: The Strangling Hibiscus
Originally founded by terribly lost explorers in 1877, the English settlers who first colonized this province thought they had landed in the tropical climes of South America. They eventually learned their mistake when it began snowing and, slightly later, when they all died from a combination of exposure and Wendigo bites. The name, however, managed to stick and it's been a popular tourist destination ever since.
Alberta
First in Tectonics!
Official Animal; the Millipede
Official Beverage; The Shameful Texan (Diet Mr Pibb, Sasparilla and a single Twizzler)
As part of John Dieffenbakers efforts to make Canada seem less threatening to our Neighbors to the South, Alberta was constructed wholly to emulate the United States most noteworthy features. However, owing to a slight lack of research on Mr. Dieffenbackers end, the only aspects to come through were "Cowboys" and "Earthquakes". As the region that would eventually become Alberta was mostly desert wasteland following the War on Christmas, the climate was naturally inviting to Cowboys, farmers and roving bandits. In order to simulate the Californian Earthquakes that had so captured his imagination as a schoolboy, Dieffenbacker constructed his own faultline through the center of the province, managed by powerful Earthquake Factories.
Saskatchewan
Canadas Oreo
Official Animal: The Mako Shark
Official Schoolyard Punishment: The Purple Nurple
As the middle of the three Provinces nobody can tell apart, Saskatchewan struggled all its life to find its identity. It lacked Albertas rough and tumble attitude, or Manitobas no-nonsense work ethic, its population was made up mostly of dentists and sad, sleepy people and even its geography was entirely flat. Thomas Scott, the first premier of Saskatchewan, desperate to make sure his rectangle-charge would be remembered for something, instituted a mandatory "Silly Hat Day" on the fifteenth of every month. His plan worked and Saskatchewan is now the most visited province in our great nation.
Manitoba
Land of a thousand Winnipegs
Official Animal: The Frankenstein
Official Language: Glossolia
Owing to a strange defect in Earths magnetic field, the city of Winnipeg frequently experiences many peculiar events. Much has been made of little Sally Hastings, the five year old who, while playing hopscotch in 1947, wound up jumping twelve miles straight up, landing, safely, two days later in a neighbors garden. For roughly seven hours every May, the city plays host to the wandering thunder-lizards of Earths distant past. For most of 1955, a huge eye appeared in the sky, dominating the horizon. While initially alarming, these and other such events have become commonplace to the residents, giving birth to the popular expression "As impressed as a Manitoban".
Ontario
Where Shadows Lie
Official Animal: The Bandersnatch
Official Song: The "Tums" jingle
Much of Ontarios topography was the result of John A Macdonald, the Spectral Prime Minister, and his dedicated long-term plan to destroy the nation he founded, such as his attempt to pour out all of Canadas water through the Niagra Falls (then called the Niagra Desert), the Weather Dominator in Thunder Bay, and the creation of Ottawa which, if viewed from the air, originally resembled a bisected triangle within a circle. A clear indication of Macdonalds plan to find the Deathly Hallows and secure his position as the greatest dark wizard of all time.
Quebec
Je ne pas un Province
Official Animal: The Streptobacilis
Provincial Capital: Quebecsylvania
Quebec phases into and out of sync with the rest of Canada frequently, giving rise the the fanciful concept that the province itself has seperated from Canada. The simple truth of the matter is that much of Quebec is comprised of pure Cesium and so, the province has an exactly 50% chance of existing at any given time and only resolves itself one way or the other when it is observed. Erwin Shroedinger tried to use Quebecs nature to explain the paradox involved in quantum mechanics, but later decided to talk about poisoning cats instead, as that was a concept that people could understand far more quickly then the idea of Montreal.
New Brunswick
Fans of Stew, Undivided
Official Animal: The Dire Wolf
Official Book: "ZFT", the fictional book from the Hit TV series "Fringe"
Much has been made of New Brunswick and its tropical jungles, tall mountains, and sizable Dire Wolf population, but surprisingly little has ever been said of its oceans, which exist above sea level, or its candy mines, where raw marshmallow is hewn from the living rock. Much of the obscuring of these facts is part of an elaborate propaganda campaign against the province, launched by its old, bitter rival Old Brunswick.
Nova Scotia
Where you go when you die
Official Animal: The Ghost
Official Greeting: "Boo"
Owing to the provinces unusually high number of haunted houses, it quickly became apparent that Nova Scotia exists to serve as geographic location of the Afterlife for all major religions, though, in recent years, the population density has shifted to allow many other forms of undead beings as well, such as vampires and wights. While the move has been unpopular with some residents they are unable to properly voice a concern, due to their inability to communicate by any means other than rattling chains and slamming doors.
Prince Edward Island
Until the prince rises, we will defend him
Official Animal: Mr. Potato Head
Official Spokesmodel: Mrs. Potato Head
An artifical island whose location was chosen to be in the central point of Canadas natural healing energies (the source of the countries free health care), Prince Edward Island was a kind of plague ship, used to inter the lost Prince Edward until such time as his body, badly injured in the war between the Normans and the Saxons, could naturally heal, a squadron of his best soldiers were sent to safeguard his body until the process could be completed. While the process has yielded questionable results (notably, while the prince lives and has been slowly growing healthier, his body has shrunken, his hair turned red and his skin white and freckled. Many of his attending physicians call him "Anne"), his retainers still remain viliant, well into their 400th generation.
Newfoundland and Labrador
Whadda y'at? Stay where yer at, I'll come where yer too
Official Animal: The Cod
Official Food: Unspeakable
Fearing that the results of a surge in Newfoundlands population would cause the island province to begin sinking beneath the waves, the St. Laurent parliament established Labrador as a dirt-farm, where spare land-mass could be safely cultivated and shipped to Newfoundland, in order to make sure that some part of it would stay above the sea. Pure Labrador Dirt and Dirt Products (such as mud and gravel) have proven extremely popular abroad. Much of Canadas wealth comes from the exporting this valuable supply.
And the three terrirtories; where Canadas Final Bosses live;
The Yukon
Our children are awful
Official Animal: The Human Being
Most common occupation: Crazed prospecter
As indicated by an early geological analysis of the territory revealed, the mineral content of Mount Logan is mostly made up of Philosopher Stone. Due to the mountains elevation, Philosopher radiation has rendered much of the territory uninhabitable, as most minerals caught within its field become gold. Hoping to save Canadas economy from the devaluing of gold, much of the mineral was sent down the river to the rocky mountains. Many of Yukons population is employed by mining excess gold and, frequently, by dressing up like ghosts in order to scare other miners away from their claims.
The Northwest Territories
Our Provincial Motto contains Words
Official Animal: The Animal
Official Greeting: "Hello"
One of the last areas of Canada discovered, the Great Cartographers who named all of Canada were plainly getting tired and just opted to offer a place-holder name until they could think of something better. Nothing else was ever decided and a standing bounty of a Fifteen Dollar Canadian Tire gift card has been offered for the brave soul who could think of a name for the place. Much like how Australia was once used by the British in order to house dangerous convicts, The Northwest Territories is a penal colony for Canadas most notorious citizens, such as Johnny "No Thanks" McGraw (sentenced for swearing a cuss at a vicar) and Thelma "Spitballs" LeBlanc (who drank Canada Dry).
Nunavut
Hark, hear the bells
Official Animal: Toy-Making Elf
Official laugh: Ho Ho Ho
Originally a vast land-bridge that connected Canada to the North Pole, Nunavut was shattered into dozens of frozen islands as the last act in the War on Christmas, necessitating an uneasy peace between Canada and Santa Claus that lasts until this day. The terms of this peace are simple enough; like the Rubicon of old, any Canadian citizen that full cross the icy expanses of Nunavut will be declared an enemy agent and will be destroyed by Holiday Magic, Santa is to be declared the One True King of the North and all Canadian citizens are to be extra polite and stay on the Nice List.
And that's where you'll be if you go anywhere in Canada! I hope you can understand why our so much of our great nation is has been referred to as being "a part of Canada"
Greetings and good day on this, the fifth annual Octopus Prime Canada Day Thread. As in the past, I will be taking a break from my usual silliness to explain to you all a little something about how this great land operates. It's my hope that you'll learn a little something, and you'll think of Canada as being more than just Americas HatSalutations et bonne journée à ce sujet, la cinquième discussion annuelle Jour Octopus Prime Canada. Comme par le passé, je vais prendre une pause de ma niaiserie habituelle pour vous expliquer tous un petit quelque chose sur la façon dont ce grand pays fonctionne. Il est mon espoir que vous allez apprendre un petit quelque chose, et vous pensez du Canada comme étant plus juste chapeau Amériques que
Just like America, Portugal, Hogwarts and the planet Jupiter, Canada has a multi-tiered governement. All of which is totally subserviant to the Queen of England. This is why her face graces all of our money and why we must all glance over our shoulder, towards England, if we say something impolite. Second in importantance only to the Queen is, of course, Santa Claus, the One True King of the North. Though the North Pole is a sovereign nation, his close proximity to us means that every Canadian Citizen is under strict orders to be nice all the year round, and never enter the naughty list. Santa pays closest attention to us, but his attention starts to waver once he gets down as far as North Dakota or so.
Past all the supernatural beings, Canada is ruled by a Prime Minister, who is like our national Dad. The first Prime Minister was John A. Macdonald, whose ghost still haunts the Parliament Building, and is waiting to take every dead Canadian to the Great Hinterlands when they pass away.
When a new Prime Minister takes office, he is to put a mix-tape of his own choosing on the Parliament Buildings PA. When it stops, his term is over and a new election is held. In the event a Prime Minster dies before his term can be completed, the special Parliamentary Exorcist/Spirit Medium committee is assembled to divine the PMs wishes.
Canadian elections are fairly simple affairs where the attractiveness of each candidates haircut is evaluated, compared and judged. Whoever has the nicest hair is elected. This is largely the same process as an American election.
The Prime Ministers main job is to tuck five randomly selected Canadian Citizens into bed every night, and to do some general tidying up around the house after everyone has gone to sleep. Sometimes they also go to the animal pound and adopt (or at least name) a kitten. But this is mainly during an election year. They are also largely responsible for acting as a peace and good-will ambassador to the Moose, with the hope that they will not destroy so many of our motorists with their bodies.
Under the Prime Minister is the Senate and the House of Commons. The Senate is a large building that looks like it smells like stale pretzels. I'm sorry, whenever that place shows up on the news, I can't think of anything except that it smells like that. If I'm eating pretzels and the a story comes up about the Senate, I just have to stop. The image of the thing, you know? Eww...
The House of Commons is a vast warehouse where Canadians store all their uninteresting and ubiquitous items. Any item easy enough to find to be described as "Common" is stored there until its needed. Be it staples, maple tree leaves, Canadian Tire money or discarded Tim Hortons cups. When a Canadian citizen needs a rubber band or a spare pen, they must write to the House of Commons and await delivery. The House of Commons also includes departments known as "Her Majestys Loyal Opposition" and "The Shadow Cabinet", neither of which are anywhere near as interesting as they sound, I'm certain.
On a municipal level, Canadian cities are ruled by vengeful warlords known as "Mayors" or "Stage Bosses", any Canadian citizen looking to appeal a local law infringment, or seek permission to manipulate their property in a potentially inconvenient way must first battle through all five blocks between the down town region and the mayors pent house and ultimately defeat him or her in hand-to-hand combat. Owing to the mayors martial prowess (most municipal leaders are elected via Rage in the Cage matches) this had lead credence to the popular expression "You can't fight city hall".
Canadians all experience unusually long lives, free of ailments and diseases owing to the natural wellsprings of vitality that emerge in pools from naturally occuring resevoires deep within the Earths mantle. Many Canadians jokingly call this "free health care", as they live forever in unbreakable, beautiful skin that shines like chrome.
I hope this taught you all a little something about what it means when a Canadian says "I'm from Canada".
Welcome and Bienvenue, once again, to CANADA DAY! When all your plucky friends from the Northern Lands gather together, 'neath the maple shrub and sing dirges to pictures of Queen Victoria, and the graceful Hockey Puck.
This year I, once again, have opted to bring you 30 Interesting Fun Facts about your neighbors to the North (unless you do not live in the United States, in which case, please adjust the cardinal direction appropriately).
Bienvenue et welcome, encore une fois, à CANADA DAY! Quand tous vos courageux amis des Terres du Nord se rassemblent, rejoignez l’arbuste en érable et chantez des images de la reine Victoria et de la gracieuse rondelle de hockey.
Cette année, j’ai encore une fois choisi de vous présenter 30 faits intéressants sur vos voisins du Nord (à moins que vous n’habitiez pas aux États-Unis, auquel cas,
veuillez ajuster la direction cardinale de manière appropriée).
1. The average Canadian stands somewhere between 2 and 7,000 centimeters tall.
2. Canadians are credited with the invention of every day objects like "carrots", and "medicine"
3. If a Canadian sees it's shadow, you know they were not born here; Canadians do not cast shadows
4. Every month, the province of Alberta produces its own weight in helium
5. The fables Blade of Geddy Lee lies enshrined somewhere in the Shattered Lands of Nunavet
6. Based on experiments carried out by top astronomers, Canada is the only country visible from Australia
7. Every year the Prime Minister must defend their position by kumite
8. Ever wonder where the ocean goes when the tide goes out? That's right; Montreal!
9. While it is known that Santa Claus has a Canadian postal code, it's less known that the Easter Bunny and Alien Xenomorph also reside here
10. Canadas number one export? Commercials telling children not to shove things in their mouth
11. The surface of Canada contains enough mosquitos to build a bridge to the moon
12. The government of Canada has been attempting to build the mosquito-moon bridge since 1967, after NASA dared them to.
13. A "double double" is a code name for a mystical potion that every Canadian needs in order to function, otherwise their gears wind down
14. If you ever need to cross a body of water, just ask a Canadian, we're legally required to build a small raft for anyone who asks
15. Before legislation was passed in 2007, math was considered "for nerds ONLY" and was not taught in Canadian schools.
16. One of the wonders of the world, "Ol' Gusty" is a tornado that appears in the middle of Banff National Park every day at 3PM, local time. It's always a great sport and happily poses for pictures with fans.
17. Do you know the Times Tables? Well, you've got Canadians to thank for that, too!
18. The official languages of New Brunswick are English, French and Sleestak
19. Popular Canadian comedy troupe "The Kids in The Hall" aren't kids at all; they are all adults.
20. The three most popular names for Canadian baby-class children last year were "Bathaniel", "Scrubbins" and "#teenlife"
21. No Canadians have ever eaten cilantro
22. The average Canadian can not point to The Earth on a map
23. The "double double", a curative elixir peddled by the famed conartist, huckster and snake-oil salesman known as "Horton", only contains sugar, cream and coffee-infused water.
25. The highest point in Canada is Mt. Logan, in the Yukon. It was created to fight Mt. The Incredible Hulk in Manitoba
26. Winter was not invented in Canada, but it was first discovered here
27. It is the official statement of the office of the prime minister that there are no secret dinosaur refuges in Nova Scotia.
28. The leading cause of Death for Canadians in 2018 was "Surprise Volcano"
29. Books do not function in Paris, Ontario
30. The Prime Minister is required to pay a single loonie to any Canadian citizen who brings him a freshly cut daffodil, as part of a motion from the late 1800s to decrease daffodil overpopulation.
There, that's 30 things about Canada I just bet you didn't know, smarty-pants!
WELCOME AND BIENVIENUE once more, to the first day of July! When the Government of Canada, officially announces that it's Okay to Talk About Canada to people not from Canada. People, statistically speaking, like YOU! The reader of this very post!
BIENVENUE ET BIENVIENUE encore une fois, jusqu'au 1er juillet! Lorsque le gouvernement du Canada annonce officiellement qu'il est acceptable de parler du Canada à des personnes qui ne viennent pas du Canada. Des gens, statistiquement parlant, comme VOUS! Le lecteur de cet article!
This year, I thought it would be helpful to talk about the history of this great (as in large) big (as in the Tom Hanks movie) country of ours (by which I mean, mine). You may find that some of the information in this post doesn't quite jibe with the Interesting Fun Facts I've laid out in previous years, this is because the History Books are written by the Winners, and, according to Royal Decree when the country was founded; we're all winners in our own way.
Canada rose out of the seas off the coast of the North Pole in 1772; as a result of an accidental spell cast by Santa Claus (the One True King of the North) experimenting with the then-unknown powers of Christmas Magic. In those wild days, the land was chiefly filled with thunder-lizards of the Earths distant past and, of course, the fey-folke of Irish folklore.
Within about 10 or fifteen years, the Indigineous people of Canada wiped out all the velociraptors and leprechauns, as they were collectively a bunch of real tools.
In the mid 19th Century, the then queen of England, The Queen of England, declared Canada to be part of her domain, raising the ire of its creator, Santa Claus; this was the origin of the War on Christmas still waged to this day. To help bolster the forces of man against the magical ruler, she sent John A Macdonald, Necromancer and Statesman, to the Colony and gave him total control. This was the first Canadian Prime Minister or "National Dad".
When John MacDonald died (some say from choking on a potato chip, others say he simply lost the will to live and willed himself into extinction) another Prime Minister took his place; but the Office of the National Dad has always been on guard, lest the wily spiritualist have found a means to return from the Great Hereafter to rule the land again.
In much of the first few decades of the 20th century, nothing happened. It was pretty chill. Had Netflix been invented, our great land would have been all caught up on it. We invented Winnie the Pooh during that time; that's how little was going on over here.
Eventually, after Nazis happened and we helped explode a whole bunch of them, we kind of settled back down a bit; National Dad, John Diefenbaker had become aware of the invention of the airplane (some four decades previous) and became paranoid that this radical new invention may threaten his own status as Canadas Fastest Man and demanded All Airplanes Stop Production, an edict that lasted until his death by elevator, 8 months later.
Around this same time, the Parliamentary Office of Directions was rocked by the discovery of the direction of "Right", and decided that it shouldn't be just the left side of the country that reaped the benefits of Canadian citizenship, and declared the right side of the Country could be part of Canada too.
The 1960s were a time of turbulent change in much of the world; the ongoing War on Christmas had reached a boiling point it had not seen since Santa blew off a chunk of the Country, forming the Hudson Bay (and its eponymous company), and as a result, Canada opened up its borders allowing for a great influx of people previously banished from society to call this land their new home; much of Canadas current population of Sorcerors, Direwolves and Draculas can be traced back to this time. Santa was moved by this humanitarian effort, and called back his forces.
This move was so popular, that in the 1980s, Canadians elected their first Frankenstein Prime Minister; Brian Mulroney, who was chased into the Parliment Building by a torch-wielding mob after mistakenly drowning a child.
Throughout much of the 1990s, Canadian Culture reached what was unarguably it's highest point; The Kids in the Hall were on TV, The Barenaked Ladies were on the Radio, and Jim Carrey was delighting the world as a menacing cable repairman. No country could aspire to as great a height, and no other has ever tried.
The 2000s were a dark time for our nation, though no records remain that explain what, precisely, it was. John A Macdonalds last act before his death was to place a curse on the Year 2000, releasing the dread creature known as the Millenium Bug to scourge our land of all Technology. However, this curse was laid in the late 19th century, where Technology hadn't advanced much farther than the steam engine, or Fulcrum.
The 2010s were a comparatively quiet decade, as most of the Nation was Really Sleepy. We napped for much of it, and woke up to find that somehow a man with a great haircut was elected Dad.
And that takes us up to the 2020s! And we've only just started those, so it's hard to go much farther than that. But you've read this far, and that's laudable.
Good for you, You Winner!
This is the one that comes to mind most readily, from the Top 50 Sci-Fi and Fantasy Movies list I ran:
#1
Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
2001 Dir.: Hironobu Sakaguchi
550 Points, 20 Votes, Highest Vote: #1 (you know who you are), Rotten Tomatoes Score: 45% (must be a typo)
But thou must!
Well who am I to argue with a character in a game published by the same company that made this movie? Nobody, that's who!
Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within is about a magical space lady that has to return the crystals or something. She teams up with two weirdos named Terra Branford and Cloud Strife, and has to keep Golbez and X-Death from summoning a monster called Sin to destroy the world. The protagonists take a long car trip and meet a bunch of Fal'cies, one of which is an Onion Knight named Garland who tries to knock them all down. Fortunately they make it to Balamb Garden, where some monkey dude named Zidane helps them kill the Emperor who then comes back from Hell. He tells our heroes that they must rescue Ashe, the princess of Aht Urhgan, which they do. They then have a dance off with an evil warrior named Zenos Yae Galvus and save the rec center and everybody lives happily ever after. The end!
This film was both a critical and commercial success, and filled Squaresoft's coffers to the point that they bought rival company Enix for funsies. This movie is beloved to this day for its intricate, meaningful plot and deep characterization.
jpfriction
(He, Him)
Probably kicking off that “Return of talking Tim” thread that turned into a body snatcher movie.
Probably the "I am my own thread" thread:
I'm also pretty proud of the "Place names that out to be JRPG monsters" thread.
I'm also pretty proud of the "Place names that out to be JRPG monsters" thread.
Phantoon
I cuss you bad
Last edited:
Fuck, it's so hard to choose. They are all my precious children. I've instead gone with a Top 5, and even that was hard. In no particular order:
| Originally Posted by MooMoo So I was just making a curry and I started wondering: on a scale of 1-10 how similar is handling raw chicken breast to fingering a woman? |
| Originally Posted by Loki 100% different what are you even on about |
| Originally Posted by JBear Guys I've been preparing dinner for over an hour but I have yet to make this chicken orgasm. I think I'm doing something wrong??? |
| Originally Posted by Guild Picking on False is the dark souls of bullying |
| Originally Posted by JBear Difficult but rewarding, with a rich lore and a large, vibrant community? |
| Originally Posted by Zef All nuns undergo the cyber-upgrade upon taking the vows. That's part of what makes them so deadly. |
| Originally Posted by JBear Warning: cyber-upgrade may be habit-forming. |
| Originally Posted by Torzelbaum [Return] was a perfectly cromulent name. I don't know why they decided to change it [to Zoom]. |
| Originally Posted by JBear It was to be consistent with other DQ mainstays like "Bang" and "Straight to the Moon, Alice". |
| Originally Posted by Destil Final. Fantasy. Seven. |
| Originally Posted by Kazin Final. Fantasy. Eight. |
| Originally Posted by JBear I swear to god, you reprobates, if you turn this into yet another thread for ranking FF games I'm turning this car around and we're going straight home. No game rental, no instruction booklet to read, no nothing. You're going to watch Price is Right reruns until you learn. |
| Originally Posted by Oathbreaker Final. Fantasy. Nine. |
Originally Posted by JBear
|
I have no recollection of that Guild/Me thing. But 'no recollection' describes 95% to 98% of my life.
Becksworth
Aging Hipster Dragon Dad
I have several posts I’m fond of, but y’all probably only remember the time I exclaimed “Damnit! Why am I a Hentai?!” In the the anime title game thread.
I'm helping!
But no one else is...
Originally Posted by Destil
Final. Fantasy. Seven.
Originally Posted by Kazin
Final. Fantasy. Eight.
Originally Posted by JBear
I swear to god, you reprobates, if you turn this into yet another thread for ranking FF games I'm turning this car around and we're going straight home. No game rental, no instruction booklet to read, no nothing. You're going to watch Price is Right reruns until you learn.
Originally Posted by Oathbreaker
Final. Fantasy. Nine.
Originally Posted by JBear
I guess the old forum is gone now, but I think my best post was the thread 'Nintendo DS Bowser'.
If you saw the thread you know why.
If you saw the thread you know why.
Johnny Unusual
(He/Him)
Man, I think I need to spend the summer transferring and editing my I Am The Greatest posts.
people seemed to like this dumb thing I made in Deptford's old "Let's Redesign SMT Monsters" thread:
wuhwuhwuhwuhwuhwuhwuhwuhwuh
Originally posted by That Old Chestnut:
wuhwuhwuhwuhwuhwuhwuhwuhwuh
Johnny Unusual
(He/Him)
It's pretty damned great.
I assume she's using her mouth to make propeller noises, yes?
I assume she's using her mouth to make propeller noises, yes?
Yep!