Oh hello, I didn't see you come in! You should knock first, you fools! My name is Octo, and you barged in on me just when I was sitting down to watch completely absurd childrens programming from yesteryear!
I'm not surprised, since this is statistically a very likely occurrence, so don't pat yourself on the back just yet. But since you're here anyway, you might as well read about me watching cartoons. Not like you had anywhere else to be, is it?
And what better way to break in this NEW AND EXCITING thread than by watching 1979s Spider-Woman! Based on the Marvel superhero of the same name! Despite my life-long affection for the House of Ideas, Spider-Woman is kind of a blind-spot for me; all I know is that she has no connection to Peter Parker, and a lot of her powers suggest that Archie Goodwin didn't *quite* know what it is that Spiders can do. Anyway, I'm going in with no preconceived notions, so let's see what happens when Jessica Drew enters... The Pyramids of Terror
We open in the sandy dunes of Egypt, where a sudden sandstorm appears which causes a massive purple pyramid to apepar on the outskirts of a city. Which city? I don't know. I don't think the show does either. In any case, the citizens see a massive ominous pyramid appear out of nowhere and figure "Well heck, we better start praying to that thing then". And as soon as they do, a little ragamuffin child is immediately blown away by a gust of wind and saved by Spider-Man.
Jessica isn't even the first superhero to show up in the first episode of her own show. Also, Spider-Man sounds to be in his late 40s Also, I have no idea why he's there. He just picked a REALLY good time to be in Egypt City.
Spidey goes off to explore the pyramid and is immediately attacked by a giant red-hot mummy with eye-beams, who knock him out and start hugging him.
MEANWHILE, IN NEW YORK CITY
Jessica Drew and her co-worker (boyfriend? Some guy?) are taking pictures of her posing in front of the exhibits at the Museums new King Tut exhibit for Justice Magazine. I... can only assume that this is a magazine wholly dedicated to the lifestyles of superheroes.
"Those Egyptians were really something; mummifying their kings and all!" says Jessica, knowing, like, one single thing about an entire culture.
Just then, Jessicas Spider-Sense goes off and the mummy she was just posing in front of comes to life!
Jessica has an excuse to break away from Some Guy Named Jeff because of his misogyny, insisting she run off while he deals with A LIVING MUMMY, and she suits up to get Mummy Fighting. Jeffs efforts to stop the mummy consists of him running away from it and then tripping out an open window, and crying for Spider-Woman to to rescue him.
Spider-Woman defeats the mummy by electrocuting it with her lightning powers (you know, like Spiders can do) and then we cut back to Justice Magazine, where Jeff is immediately dismissive of the fact that he was nearly killed after being thrown out of a 3 story window by a 3000-year old reanimated corpse, figuring it was some kind of nutty publicity stunt.
Attempted MUMMY MURDER doesn't seem like it would draw much business to a reputable museum, but then again, there's no such thing as bad publicity.
"Oh it was just a one on a million freak accident" says Jeff of the fact that A MUMMY CAME TO LIFE AND THREW HIM OUT A WINDOW.
JEFF!!! JEFF THE ODDS ARE MUCH LOWER THAN THAT!
JEFF, LIVING MUMMIES ARE NOT A THING!
Anyway, before Jeff can move the goal posts on how worried people should be about MUMMY MURDER any further, a small child runs into Jessicas office to inform these two news reporters (?) that There have been Mummies spotted all over the country! It's a MUMMY EPIDEMIC!
WAY cooler than a zombie plague! No contest.
You hear me, Romero? I'm calling you out!
So Jessica presses a button on her desk which causes a fold-out TV to emerge from it with the chief of the NYPD on the other line;
"Hey chief, what's the scoop on all these mummies?" she casually asks.
Holy crap you guys, I love this cartoon.
Anyway, the Police Chief has, in fact, just received an APB to be on the lookout for Mummies.
Anyway, the Small Child whips out a pocket calculator and works out the trajectory of where each Mummy is headed to figure out where the main Mummy Base is; Egypt! He then admits that he made all the math up and assumed that All Mummies would go to Egypt because... Egypt, right? It's where Mummies would go.
I think that's profiling.
Anyway, the three of them hop on to the magazines private jet (?!?!) and head to Egypt to head the worlds entire supply of Mummies off before they can get there, where the one guy left in Egypt who says they should leave because a Giant Evil Pyramid appeared and caused storms and kidnapped Spider-Man. So Jessica makes an incredibly bad excuse ("I forgot to feed my cat") to run off and change into Spider-Woman, counting on nobody else noticing that Jessica is nowhere to be seen but Spider-Woman apparently followed them to Egypt.
MEANWHILE, IN THE PYRAMID, the mummy who kidnapped Spider-Man can speak, and decided to use this moment to drop some exposition; turns out that the pyramids were actually alien spaceships, and mummies aren't preserved rulers and heads of state; that's just what aliens look like. And, now that the lead alien has woken up he's going to mummify ALL EARTH INHABITANTS in order to let the aliens take over the world!
So Jeff and Little Boy wander into the pyramid and immedaitely fall into several traps, while Spider-Woman uses the back door and instead finds the lead alien;
"Your humanity inferiority is proved by how easy you are to trap!" he says, before shooting a laser at the ground that causes a trap door to open to a room with smushing walls.
With one superhero chained to the wall with lightning, one about to become a Jessica Sandwich and two nosy reporters stuck in quicksand (which shouldn't be a concern in a dry climate like Egypts, I would think), Lord Khufu The Mummy greets his Mummy Crewmen to inform them of what he just told Spider-Man, and which they should really know themselves; but we just came back from a commercial break so they might have forgotten. Long and short is that all the pyramids (and the sphinx) take off and commence their plan to TURN EVERYBODY INTO A MUMMY!
Meanwhile, in her smooshing room, Spider-Woman uses Spider-telepathy to talk to the spiders who live in the pyramid and convince them to eat through centuries old granite to free her from the trap, and let her run off to save the boys. Luckily, they were all in the same room, so that parts pretty easy.
MEANWGILE IN ENGLAND, the pyramid lands outside Big Ben and shoots lasers at people that turns them into mummies
"That fiendish Space-Mummy has turned everyone into *spaced-out* mummies" says Spider-Man, who I assumed just web-swinged all the way from Egypt to London.
Then the lasers from the mummy hit Spider-Man, but they only wing him a bit so he gets MUMMY HANDS.
So the news crew decides to head back to the US because the mummies have all disappeared, so there's obviously no longer any kind of news story attached to them, when Jessica blurts out to head to London because of her womans intuition (also her Spider-Sense, but she's nominally keeping that a secret) and, when they arrive in London she discretely opens the door to their jet and jumps out and turns into Spider-Woman. With nobody noticing.
So she saves Spider-Man from the MUMMYS CURSE (laser beams) and they then head to Geneva because... they have... Egyptology Scientists there where they reverse Spider-Mans partial Mummy Transformation by unwrapping his hands, and ask them for help in stopping the Pyramids
"There's simply too much we don't understand about the Egyptians and their mummies" says the head of the Egyptology Department at Geneva Switzerland, "Some people believe that the energy created by the angle of the pyramid may be the key to the mummies preservation".
...I just want everyone to appreciate that statement for a moment.
Anyway, while they were in Geneva for, like, two minutes, the Mummies succeeded in completely mummifying the entire population of the Earth.
Real go-getters, these Mummies.
Anyway, Jessica has a plan and, together with Spider-Man they web up one of the pyramids enough so that it looks like a cube instead, and cubes are the opposite of pyramids so Lord Khufu has to immediately abandon his 3000-year long plan to conquer the Earth, which he had already succeeded at. And as they leave the entire human population of the Earth stops being mummies.
Oh, and also Jeff and Little Boy are still pretty shocked that Jessica jumped out of the door of a jetliner over London and just assume she's dead. Then she shows up and says "Spider-Woman saved me, now let's go write a story" and Jeff takes another shot at being a misogynist.
CARTOON OVER, GO HOME!
I'm not surprised, since this is statistically a very likely occurrence, so don't pat yourself on the back just yet. But since you're here anyway, you might as well read about me watching cartoons. Not like you had anywhere else to be, is it?
And what better way to break in this NEW AND EXCITING thread than by watching 1979s Spider-Woman! Based on the Marvel superhero of the same name! Despite my life-long affection for the House of Ideas, Spider-Woman is kind of a blind-spot for me; all I know is that she has no connection to Peter Parker, and a lot of her powers suggest that Archie Goodwin didn't *quite* know what it is that Spiders can do. Anyway, I'm going in with no preconceived notions, so let's see what happens when Jessica Drew enters... The Pyramids of Terror
We open in the sandy dunes of Egypt, where a sudden sandstorm appears which causes a massive purple pyramid to apepar on the outskirts of a city. Which city? I don't know. I don't think the show does either. In any case, the citizens see a massive ominous pyramid appear out of nowhere and figure "Well heck, we better start praying to that thing then". And as soon as they do, a little ragamuffin child is immediately blown away by a gust of wind and saved by Spider-Man.
Jessica isn't even the first superhero to show up in the first episode of her own show. Also, Spider-Man sounds to be in his late 40s Also, I have no idea why he's there. He just picked a REALLY good time to be in Egypt City.
Spidey goes off to explore the pyramid and is immediately attacked by a giant red-hot mummy with eye-beams, who knock him out and start hugging him.
MEANWHILE, IN NEW YORK CITY
Jessica Drew and her co-worker (boyfriend? Some guy?) are taking pictures of her posing in front of the exhibits at the Museums new King Tut exhibit for Justice Magazine. I... can only assume that this is a magazine wholly dedicated to the lifestyles of superheroes.
"Those Egyptians were really something; mummifying their kings and all!" says Jessica, knowing, like, one single thing about an entire culture.
Just then, Jessicas Spider-Sense goes off and the mummy she was just posing in front of comes to life!
Jessica has an excuse to break away from Some Guy Named Jeff because of his misogyny, insisting she run off while he deals with A LIVING MUMMY, and she suits up to get Mummy Fighting. Jeffs efforts to stop the mummy consists of him running away from it and then tripping out an open window, and crying for Spider-Woman to to rescue him.
Spider-Woman defeats the mummy by electrocuting it with her lightning powers (you know, like Spiders can do) and then we cut back to Justice Magazine, where Jeff is immediately dismissive of the fact that he was nearly killed after being thrown out of a 3 story window by a 3000-year old reanimated corpse, figuring it was some kind of nutty publicity stunt.
Attempted MUMMY MURDER doesn't seem like it would draw much business to a reputable museum, but then again, there's no such thing as bad publicity.
"Oh it was just a one on a million freak accident" says Jeff of the fact that A MUMMY CAME TO LIFE AND THREW HIM OUT A WINDOW.
JEFF!!! JEFF THE ODDS ARE MUCH LOWER THAN THAT!
JEFF, LIVING MUMMIES ARE NOT A THING!
Anyway, before Jeff can move the goal posts on how worried people should be about MUMMY MURDER any further, a small child runs into Jessicas office to inform these two news reporters (?) that There have been Mummies spotted all over the country! It's a MUMMY EPIDEMIC!
WAY cooler than a zombie plague! No contest.
You hear me, Romero? I'm calling you out!
So Jessica presses a button on her desk which causes a fold-out TV to emerge from it with the chief of the NYPD on the other line;
"Hey chief, what's the scoop on all these mummies?" she casually asks.
Holy crap you guys, I love this cartoon.
Anyway, the Police Chief has, in fact, just received an APB to be on the lookout for Mummies.
Anyway, the Small Child whips out a pocket calculator and works out the trajectory of where each Mummy is headed to figure out where the main Mummy Base is; Egypt! He then admits that he made all the math up and assumed that All Mummies would go to Egypt because... Egypt, right? It's where Mummies would go.
I think that's profiling.
Anyway, the three of them hop on to the magazines private jet (?!?!) and head to Egypt to head the worlds entire supply of Mummies off before they can get there, where the one guy left in Egypt who says they should leave because a Giant Evil Pyramid appeared and caused storms and kidnapped Spider-Man. So Jessica makes an incredibly bad excuse ("I forgot to feed my cat") to run off and change into Spider-Woman, counting on nobody else noticing that Jessica is nowhere to be seen but Spider-Woman apparently followed them to Egypt.
MEANWHILE, IN THE PYRAMID, the mummy who kidnapped Spider-Man can speak, and decided to use this moment to drop some exposition; turns out that the pyramids were actually alien spaceships, and mummies aren't preserved rulers and heads of state; that's just what aliens look like. And, now that the lead alien has woken up he's going to mummify ALL EARTH INHABITANTS in order to let the aliens take over the world!
So Jeff and Little Boy wander into the pyramid and immedaitely fall into several traps, while Spider-Woman uses the back door and instead finds the lead alien;
"Your humanity inferiority is proved by how easy you are to trap!" he says, before shooting a laser at the ground that causes a trap door to open to a room with smushing walls.
With one superhero chained to the wall with lightning, one about to become a Jessica Sandwich and two nosy reporters stuck in quicksand (which shouldn't be a concern in a dry climate like Egypts, I would think), Lord Khufu The Mummy greets his Mummy Crewmen to inform them of what he just told Spider-Man, and which they should really know themselves; but we just came back from a commercial break so they might have forgotten. Long and short is that all the pyramids (and the sphinx) take off and commence their plan to TURN EVERYBODY INTO A MUMMY!
Meanwhile, in her smooshing room, Spider-Woman uses Spider-telepathy to talk to the spiders who live in the pyramid and convince them to eat through centuries old granite to free her from the trap, and let her run off to save the boys. Luckily, they were all in the same room, so that parts pretty easy.
MEANWGILE IN ENGLAND, the pyramid lands outside Big Ben and shoots lasers at people that turns them into mummies
"That fiendish Space-Mummy has turned everyone into *spaced-out* mummies" says Spider-Man, who I assumed just web-swinged all the way from Egypt to London.
Then the lasers from the mummy hit Spider-Man, but they only wing him a bit so he gets MUMMY HANDS.
So the news crew decides to head back to the US because the mummies have all disappeared, so there's obviously no longer any kind of news story attached to them, when Jessica blurts out to head to London because of her womans intuition (also her Spider-Sense, but she's nominally keeping that a secret) and, when they arrive in London she discretely opens the door to their jet and jumps out and turns into Spider-Woman. With nobody noticing.
So she saves Spider-Man from the MUMMYS CURSE (laser beams) and they then head to Geneva because... they have... Egyptology Scientists there where they reverse Spider-Mans partial Mummy Transformation by unwrapping his hands, and ask them for help in stopping the Pyramids
"There's simply too much we don't understand about the Egyptians and their mummies" says the head of the Egyptology Department at Geneva Switzerland, "Some people believe that the energy created by the angle of the pyramid may be the key to the mummies preservation".
...I just want everyone to appreciate that statement for a moment.
Anyway, while they were in Geneva for, like, two minutes, the Mummies succeeded in completely mummifying the entire population of the Earth.
Real go-getters, these Mummies.
Anyway, Jessica has a plan and, together with Spider-Man they web up one of the pyramids enough so that it looks like a cube instead, and cubes are the opposite of pyramids so Lord Khufu has to immediately abandon his 3000-year long plan to conquer the Earth, which he had already succeeded at. And as they leave the entire human population of the Earth stops being mummies.
Oh, and also Jeff and Little Boy are still pretty shocked that Jessica jumped out of the door of a jetliner over London and just assume she's dead. Then she shows up and says "Spider-Woman saved me, now let's go write a story" and Jeff takes another shot at being a misogynist.
CARTOON OVER, GO HOME!
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