Smell that dairy air! - Let's play Kyrandia Book 3: Malcolm's Revenge!

LP Part Index
Parts SQUIRREL and PROLOGUE
Part GRAPE
Part WATERMELON
Part APPLE
Part CHERRY
Part BANANA-ORANGE
Part WALNUT
Part PINECONE
Part ACORN
Part PITCH
Part RUBY
Part BLOODY MURDER
Part FISHCREAM
Part SAPPHIRE Video
Part RERUN Video
Part PARTY Video
Day 1
Day 2
Day 3
Final Day
Part YOUR HAND on A HEATED BURNER
LP Complete

We're back again, and have we got a fun one for you this time! It's the third and final game in the Legend of Kyrandia series, Malcolm's Revenge! If you recall, the first Kyrandia game tried desperately to imitate Sierra Online's King's Quest games, while the second one tried desperately to imitate LucasArts' brilliant adventure games. So who did they rip off this time? The answer: technically, nobody. I am shocked as well.

Malcolm's Revenge is easily the most unique of the Kyrandia games, in many ways. First off, there's more ways to die than the last game, but few of the deaths feel particularly arbitrary. Second, there really are no "screw you over" points, but instead, there are multiple ways to get through many of the game's events. And third, the game uses the most hilarious point system in history, wherein you are rewarded for your (mis)deeds with a numeric score and an amusing little label. Oh, and fourth, you play as the villain of the first game, which is a twist that was pretty unexpected back in 1994 when this game came out.

You know the drill: updates every 2 to 3 days, probably won't be too many of them, plenty of snarky zaniness will ensue. But this time the zaniness will be about twofold more than before, since the branching paths means that we'll be replaying through some parts multiple times!

Introduction: Vengeful Malcolm's Return



Well, at least it looks cheerful, right?




It was a title so nice, they did it twice!





Once again, the intro is in voiceover-only mode. Said opening contains good-for-1994 pre-rendered 3D models (meaning they're quite laughable by any standard later than 1998), which is a curious change. To sum it up: Malcolm had as many issues growing up as Brandon had at the start of the first Kyrandia game.








Obviously, the media is taking the Kyrandian royal family's side in the whole matter. Fair and impartial my arse. They must've had a really slow news day for that last one, seeing as they wrote an entire story in the side column there about the headline from the previous edition.





Now that lightning has freed everybody's favorite psychopathic jester from his stony prison somehow, he's out for revenge.

OMGWTFCLIFFHANGER RESOLUTION!



I bet Brandon just pissed himself, and he doesn't even know why.



Whoa holy crap a floating head!



Okay, that's... um, interesting.



No arguments there.



You know, I think I'm gonna like Gunther...

Well, there's no way our jester in bad clothes is going to stick around Kyrandia, since he is kind of wanted for regicide, treason, larceny, and probably quite a few other things. Plus, he needs an escape route for after he knocks off Brandon and Kallak. How will Malcolm escape Kyrandia? Here are your choices:

* If you want Malcolm to try to escape via magic, press BANANA now.
* If you want Malcolm to try to escape by air, press CHERRY now.
* If you want Malcolm to run away with the circus as a juggler, press ORANGE now.
* If you want Malcolm to run away with the circus as a mime, press GRAPE now.
* If you want Malcolm to seek help from a dragon, press WATERMELON now.
* If you want Malcolm to go to prison, press APPLE now.

In spite of the planned update schedule, I won't be updating again until I get at least 3 votes for a given option. So, cast your vote now!

(Oh, and for those clamoring for the non-critical dialogue, obviously we're gonna get plenty of THAT with six escape routes to cover...)

GRAPE!

WATERMELON!

Also, tease the squirrel.

Watermelon

Rest assured, the squirrel will get what's coming to him.

ORANGE

GRAPE

While most of my Kyrandia memories are of the first game, I can distinctly remember Malcom's voice actor making the pun about "smelling the dairy air."

Watermelon!

GRAPE

And the GRAPEs have it! Better start grinding JP to open up the Mime job-class!

Nope! It's still tied with delicious WATERMELON.

Actually, GRAPE and WATERMELON are tied at 3. And if you want to get overly technical, the latter got three votes first. Anyway, the vote tally is gonna count for more than just the first part, so keep on voting, and by the time we reach posting time on Friday, I'll be ready regardless.

Oops. I got excited for Mimes. Carry on, carry on....

Oh, I never voted. I say Apple!

This LP looks positively GRAPE.

I always did like apples.

It's a horrible pun!

There's no way you can ignore a horrible pun.

I'll go Grape too, why not?

This LP is fixing to be the grapest. WARNING: LINK NOT ACTUALLY GERMANE TO THE THREAD AT ALL.

Before we begin the LP proper, let's get this out of the way, shall we?

Part SQUIRREL - By Popular Demand!



You asked for it, and now you get it. It's squirrel harassment time!




Wait, that's not right... Try again!





Oh you have gotta be kidding me.




Yeah, thanks for rubbing it in, Gunther. So much for casting Ultima on Castle Kyrandia from here and laughing all the way to the docks...



Oh come on, it's a SQUIRREL! How dangerous can it be?




Yeah, you tell 'em, Malcolm! It's a well-known fact that rodents are harml



HOLY SHIT!




That... did not go well. At all. (Yes, the squirrel IS dragging Malcolm off. Do not mess with Kyrandian squirrels.)



Wait, what's this? "Second chance"!? Yes, Kyrandia 3 did away with the whole "load/restart/quit" setup that Sierra games made popular, and just did a "load/retry" instead. And we love 'em to pieces for it, too.

Tune in tomorrow for another pre-LP part, which will get a few other things handily out of the way, thus expanding how much each part can be used for expounding and expositing. Hooray!

I'm gonna go with CHERRY, just to be different, and because airship shenanigans could be awesome. Even though I hate cherries.

Also, I really hope we can come back and give that squirrel what for at some point in the future. If we've got no magic, can't we just find a nice crossbow or something? I think a squirrel-pelt accent would look nice with Malcolm's outfit.

Part PROLOGUE - Getting Ready to Rumble



So here we are at the dump. Seems like a fine location for item allocation.



And what a stash we've acquired! I'll explain that meter on the right when we run into somebody to talk to, incidentally. Most of these items are actually pretty useless, but good for a laugh. To wit:




That never gets old. Anyway, away from this dump! (And then back for a quick non-screencapped search for a broken flask, because you know sharp shards of glass will come in handy.)




Yeah, except for that nifty thing that goes "BOINK!" when you jab it. I hear Brandon uses it as a whoopie cushion. For some reason, he puts it on his own chair.



Fittingly enough, they're bland and uninteresting, just like Brandon.



Good idea!



Uh, it is? You, erm, didn't actually do anything. Seriously. It looks the same as before. Ah well, it got points, so who cares?



Except he didn't do anything to them! Oh screw it, let's just keep moving...



Nice to see that Malcolm's pyromania is still strong, at least.



What, before you've put Brandon and Kallak on ice? No way, pal! Revenge before flight, all the way. Still, a quick hop into the transporter can't hurt.



Apparently, "the same as always" means "like it was constructed on a drug trip". Kyrandian architects are nutballs.



Well, let's see. The proprieter, you, left work one day and murdered the king and queen of the land and took over, and then got imprisoned in stone for... some undefined period of time. I think the answer is obvious: they locked it up because of safety and health violations.

Fortunately, Malcolm is not above petty breaking and entering.



It sure did, Malcolm. It sure did.

Yeah, funny how they shut down a business when the sole proprietor and operator of the place commits treason. Then again, maybe it was health and safety violations. Just look at the size of that hole in the middle of the room!



And from the looks of it, you last cleaned house about 18 years ago. What a slob.



"Used to"?





Ah. I guess they moved down a drawer. Let's see what's inside drawer number three...



Hey, stop stealing my lines, Malcolm!




Squirrel bait! Squirrel bait that's decades old, at that. Still, we might do some rodent fishing later, eh? And hopefully not get Malcolm's face bitten off again. No promises on that one.



Pretty drastic excuse for not having to change your undies there, Big M...



It's the most important item in the game, the Jester's Staff! Which is hidden under the bed, a spot that you'd probably not think to check. BRILLIANT! See, if you're like most people, you'll click on the bed itself, and be treated to this:




An old man napping in his underdrawers. Delightful. Anyway, what's that big-arse book about?



It's a photo album! I bet there's some delightfully embarrassing pictures in there!

Wow, his hair went white early...



Oh hey, looks like Malcolm's family used to be royalty in Kyrandia. Surely he's not part of the current Kyrandian royal lineage, though.



I mean really, can you imagine how lame that would be?



I mean, if they did that, this'd turn into a Kyrandian soap opera!



...They didn't.



NO. WRONG.



YOU BASTARDS! YOU RUINED MALCOLM! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU TO DEATH!

Yes, Brandon (the protagonist from the first game and arch-nemesis of Malcolm) is related to Malcolm. In fact, he's Malcolm's grand-nephew (I think; regardless, he's pretty closely related). Remember way back when, when I jokingly said that they bickered like relatives? Yeah, I hadn't played Malcolm's Revenge when I made that comment. You know what that means, right? WHAT IS THAT NOISE?



Oh, it's the Fonz, jumping the shark! Just like the Kyrandia series just did! I think we know why there was no fourth Kyrandia game now. Because of this... and because the series sold poorly.

(In all seriousness, though, this is probably the least disappointing shark-jumping I've come across in a video game, probably because it has so little bearing on what happens for the rest of the game.)





I SMELL FORESHADOWING!



Let's face it, Malcolm: there's no good photos in there, period.

That wraps it up for the... um, pre-LP LP? Whatever excuses its earliness. Anyway, next time we get into user-selected content! Hooray!

First cousin once removed, actually. Still pretty silly, though.

Part GRAPE: Mime to go!

The winner for our first trip out of Kyrandia is... GRAPE! So, let's go and see if we can't find ourselves a mime outfit for Malcolm, hm?



Combining random items is delightfully entertaining sometimes. For example, a bent nail plus the nut-on-a-string turns it into a makeshift fishing rig/lockpick as well as endless fun for squirrel baiting!



Taking a quick trip back through the teleporter nets some additional points for no real reason.



Heyhey, it's a mime! Just what we need! And since we have somebody to talk to now (kind of), let's have Malcolm explain that gauge.






Gunther can be so demanding...





Now that's more like it! Yes, you have three different ways to address people, meaning there's a ludicrous lot of flavor text in this game. Anyway, that mime looks like he needs a good laugh.



Or maybe Malcolm is the one in need of a good laugh.



Either way, we win!





Gee, that sounds serious. LET'S KEEP TAUNTING HIM!

Hahaha, you silly mime! You have no arrows!



Seriously, what's he gonna do, shoot you with an invisible arrow?



Uh...



I'm speechless, really. Second chance!

So, how to get the mime's outfit? Hmm... This calls for observational skills!




Oh noes, baths cost a penny now! Get over it, Malcolm. You know, that guy taking a bath would solve the problem of liberating him from his outfit. But that means getting him smelly. Hmm... Back to the Batcave! Er, toy factory! Whatever!



So that hole leads to a sewer? The HSA might hate it, but for our purposes, that's downright perfect! There has to be something smelly down THERE!



Um, unorthodox entry method, but okay.



I bet.



A sewer eel, at that. Man, I bet that thing reeks good! Now, to give the mime a new odor.



No, don't give him the eel as a tip... Fine, let's be more subtle about this.



Now we're having fun!



Hey, don't steal my lines!

Damn right, Gunther. Now, a quick switch to Lying, and we'll follow... with the help of our bent nail-on-a-string!



Malcolm's vandalism cred is really soaring lately, huh? In we go!



Uh oh.



Crap, think fast!



Or play dumb. That might work.



Guy knows his history. That could be trouble.



You're still gonna try and pull that trick? It was nice knowing you, Malcolm...





Wow, it worked. Guy must be related to Brandon. ...On Kallak's side of the family, naturally.



Too bad that excuse won't work on anybody in Kyrandia with an IQ above 50. Might give it a try on Brandon and Kallak later, though.



Or rather, like an amatuer.

This message brought to you by politicians everywhere!

Now then, what's the fastest way to get an outfit from a mime in a shower?



Answer: mess with the temperature!




Good thing Malcolm's still lying through his teeth, eh?



FREEZING WATER!



GRATUITOUS NUDITY SHOTS!



CLUELESSNESS! All this and more on Kyrandia Tonight!



Do it again, do it again! Oh wait.

Time to nab that dapper outfit in the window and get changed! ...Outside the bath area.




Behold, Malcolm the Mime! Now available for birthdays and bar-mitzvahs.

Well, now all Malcolm needs is a circus to run off with. Wonder what's off to the left of the castle?




Besides more Malcolm humor, of course. Maybe down from here?



Why? Who cares! There's a ship, and it might just belong to the circus! Let's find out, shall we?



"Love the new face and hairstyle! Say, did you put on a few pounds?"



Oh how convenient. Why not enlist their aid in destroying Kyrandia's royal line? A circus troupe destroying Brandon! Wouldn't that be a laugh?