Smell that dairy air! - Let's play Kyrandia Book 3: Malcolm's Revenge!

Hey, it's worth a shot (no pun intended).



A shot in the dark that misses the mark by about five miles, but hey.



What!? I gotta PAY!?



Yeah, I doubt this guy gets many repeat customers.



Well, at least their policies are good. Which they'd better well be, given that ass-raping of a fare to ride with them! Screw that noise.



Observant jester is observant!



Who the hell would be a tourist of Limbo?



Extra observant jester is extra observant!





Bitter fish is bitter!



Whoa, not cool! Who made the end of the water park ride a garbage dump!?



Except that the end of the ride stinks (literally). Unfortunately, Batty McBattington doesn't take kindly to Malcolm's presence.




Irritating little silverfish, inee?

How's that for painful irony? The guy running the dump is blind, meaning he relies on his sense of smell even more. Also, sounds like this guy could potentially be a source of coins for that over-priced cannon ride to Hell.




Of course, as is Malcolm's oath, why work for it when you can cheat instead?



Wow, it actually worked. I was not expecting that.



What a delightful name. Sounds like a debilitating disease mixed with a strangled cough. Also, 2 coins? Cheapskate bat-thing...




Yeah, I didn't think that'd work again. But I can rob him blind (no pun intended once again). Observe.




Bait...



And switch! You can get about 2 or 3 items per item you fool him with this way from his private stash, so it's a pretty sweet deal.



Ahahaha, oh Malcolm, you vain, vain man.



Sure, why not? Not like worms are going to do much else around here.



Which will doubtless prove to be dramatically convenient, too!

Oh, like Malcolm can resist THAT temptation...



That's gonna be a bitch to fix.



Do fish even HAVE public works departments? Whatever, time to ride.



I guess if you're going to Hell, you might as well enjoy it.



Why can't re-entry ever be pleasant? Damned physics...



Yeah, as long as you don't mind breaking your ass on occasion.




Conversation with the locals rarely seems to go well, did you notice?



As opposed to what, dying in a wonderful accident?




Meep. Karma's a bitch in Kyrandia. Though it is reassuring to know that Brandon will be stuck in Hell forever eventually for all of his rampant kleptomania and failing as a ruler.




Let's see, eternal damnation versus playing tic-tac-toe forever against the worst player ever who forces you to keep playing her if you win or fail to compliment her sufficiently... Wait, there's a difference here?



As I do not wish to be subjected to further tic-tac-toe or the imminent threat of fish/jester action, I agree.

Malcolm's more of a fire-man than a brimstone-man, if you get my drift...




Yeah, may as well appeal to the previous ruler. Certainly the current one isn't listening to you.



That sounds important-like. And vaguely familiar. How do we do that?





Definitely important-like. Well, we have the old king's likeness, and I guess an old newspaper kind of counts as something looking into the past. Now all we need is seven or more loyal subjects of the king...




Gunther, seriously, you are wearing on my nerves. When was the last time you contributed anything of value to this quest? Other than repeating what others have said, stating the obvious, and insulting Malcolm, what have you actually done?



Whoops, looks like this ranting session is gonna be cut short by a booty call!



I'm really starting to hate that bitch. Let's do a royal seance on her ass!

Ooh, fish-queen just got burned!




Not before I get some gratitude from him, little mer-dude!




Oh, sass me, will you? I ain't afraid of no ghost! Bring it, kingy!



OH FUCRGHPTZLTH!



Well this can't end well.





That's gratitude for ya.



Not helping matters, Gunther... Second chance!

Well, that's really, REALLY way more than enough for one part. Come back next time, and we'll join Malcolm in HELL! No really! It'll surely be epic, so don't miss it!

By Jove, I do believe I've been update-buried! I do so hate it when that happens. My own fault for updating at midnight, I guess.

I read it last night!

So does Malcolm get to ride crystal dinosaurs too?

Sadly, the Underworld and the Center of the Earth do not seem to correlate very well, so no.

Huh, so that's where Mermaid's come from.

You know, given that fish lay many eggs at once, that these "mermen" are all so small, and that Malcolm was unconscious for 2 years straight... You just gave this already-twisted scene an even more grotesque possibility. I salute you for out-squicking me.

All the Mermen have the right coloured hair too. Eeeeeewww

This game looks like fun, and it's a great LP. I have to wonder though - some of the cues for puzzles aren't really clear reading it like this - for instance, I have no idea how that apple on the batfish turned into items for you, or how you would guess that. Is the game kind of obtuse, or can we chalk that up to the nature of an LP?

The main problem with trying to go into detail with puzzle solutions in this game is, often the solution is just "use an item, click somewhere on screen, repeat 2 to 15 times". It doesn't make for a thrilling read. With the blind batfish, all you do is put an item on the rocks next to him, then click on the cave he dwells in to pull out items until he notices you robbing him.

The secondary problem, of course, is that there's about six trillion tons of dialogue to recap in each area. I usually just cover the highlights, and it's still producing 100+ screens per part.

Part PITCH: One Hell of a trip!

Last time, Malcolm fought his way through Limbo, and deposed a corrupt fish-queen from her throne so she could torment innocents no more with her absolutely atrocious game of tic-tac-toe. Now, he's back at the gates of Hell, awaiting judgment!




Malcolm: master of the non-challant. Let's see if that old Malcolm charm can get him a leading spot in line.




Well I'll be jiggered, it worked!




Oh I hate waiting. How much longer will this take?



Did... did she just dump Elvis down a pit? On second thought, take your time, my dear...



This is gonna suck, isn't it?



It's usually not a good sign when you're on a first-name basis with the clerical staff of the underworld.



Looks like being the embodiment of all evil (in Kyrandia) has its perks! Granted, instant damnation instead of waiting for several eons for your paperwork to clear isn't much of a perk...



Yeah, Malcolm's taking this well. And it's probably just as well he's skeptical. I mean come on, he's going to Hell! Fire and brimstone! Death and destruction! Sin and punishment!



Surfing and suntans! Wait, what!?



I'll say! I guess that old speculation is true: the Devil treats his own kind well!



Unless this is all a facade to lull Malcolm into a false sense of security, of course...

More like he walked into a drug trip cave, actually, but whatever.




Yeah, he's gonna fit in here just fine.





You big tease. Boy, I hope she didn't send the request to Brandon or something. Then this would inevitably go downhill fast.



Yeah, well, can you blame him? I mean, look around you!




Oh you know this place'll be awesome. Just the sound of it is tempting.




Yay, no more tic-tac-toe forever!



Gunther, seriously, shut up! You are ruining the mood!



It's way better than dealing with that evil fish queen, that's for sure.



Maybe they'll make him king of Hell. That'd be a nice surprise.

To process your files, remember? Man, I hope the Kyrandian Hall of Records doesn't fuck this up...



Let's see who our first contestants are on Malcolm Goes to Hell!




It's morbidly fascinating that all of the locals were rooting for Malcolm's death.




See above statement.





Wow, that's like a gaming paradox right there. They went with "Underworld" in this game and used a joke where Super Paper Mario's "Underwhere" name play would've made it funnier.






Playing doubles in Hell is one of Malcolm's life-long ambitions, you know.



Oh come on, Malcolm. They send people here for stealing cookies.



With how tight the rules are here, he was probably an aggressive driver or something.

Yeah, laugh it up. I'm onto you, Mr. Road Rage.



See? What'd I tell ya? And her crime was probably hurting a fly or something.



Fine, keep mum about it. See if I care.




You know, I'd be just a bit creeped out if people came up to me and said they were glad I was dead. Just sayin'.



Well, he does love running around in his undies...



Only just beginning? Dude, admit it, you fell in love with it the moment you saw the surfboards.



It's our next contestant on Malcolm Goes to Hell!




People in Hell really have no respect, huh? "Excellent, you're finally dead!"



Woo, surfs up!



Oh right, that. Brandon, do not screw this up for Malcolm! He's finally found a place where people like him!





Only Malcolm could fail to notice something that obvious. Also, did that surfer dude just hit on Malcolm?

Other than the constant death wishes, of course.



Always nice to be famous. Oh jeez, I hope Brandon doesn't end up here, then, or Malcolm's gonna spend eternity being antagonized by him. Now if Brandon were to end up the fish-queen's slave... Mmm, Karmic retribution...



That's the general impression of Hell, yes.



Okay, now that is Karmic retribution. I'm sure Kallak'll come back as a dung beetle, in that case.



So long, ambiguously gay surfer-dude!



But first, a parting shot.



Yeah, he's definitely gonna rule in Hell.



Sure beats the whole sin-and-punishment version of the Underworld.



Can't wait to see him hang ten on it. This is the most satisfying end to a Kyrandia game yet!



Oh good, the paperwork must be done. Let's get with the credits!



W



WH



WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!? NO! YOU PROMISED ME A HAPPY ENDING! YOU LIED TO ME, KYRANDIA, YOU LIED!



This is Brandon's doing. I know it is. That little pipsqueak will pay when Malcolm returns...



Gee, thanks. Hmm, maybe Malcolm can slip this on Kallak or Brandon when they're not looking...

This sucks so much...



See? Even Malcolm agrees!



Wow, he's resigned himself to his fate quickly.



Suddenly, Malcolm knows what it feels like to be a bank deposit container...



Malcolm's just gonna sulk for a few days. I'm sure you understand. Hey, we really DID go through Hell this time! And oddly enough, that was the best part of the game!




Even Gunther feels rejected.



You know what to do, Malcolm. Brandon and Kallak are behind that clerical mix-up. It's time to get Malcolm's Revenge! Oh hey, we have a game title.



It appears to be a bicycle with a drill on the front of it. Sort of.



Sorry, folks, but I think Malcolm is gonna be a bit shell-shocked for a while...



I'm pretty sure it is, actually.



Hooray, we get to ride the funky drill-bike!



Nrrrrrow!



Oh yay, the surface. Woo hoo. Enthusiasm.



Oh not again.

Malcolm must specialize in falling flat on his ass. Well anyway, now we're back in Kyrandia, and guess what?



Malcolm has set something free!



Well look who's back.



...Who are you again?



Oh right, him. Well well...



Guess.



Amazingly, he did have one all along. It was just trapped under a rock.



Wow, that's harsh...



I noticed. To be fair, he is a bad conscience...



Ooh, somebody's feeling a little threatened.




The goodie-two-shoes brings up a fair point.



Moral decisions never were Malcolm's strong point, it's true.



Who, me? Oh, you mean the peanut gallery!



So that means...

Yep, it's voting time!

* If Malcolm should stick with Gunther, press EMERALD now.
* If Malcolm should take Stewart, press SAPPHIRE now.
* If Malcolm should play both sides and bring 'em both, press RUBY now.
* If you're going to make a Pokemon joke about the above choice names, press YOUR HAND on A HEATED BURNER now. (Only don't, that'd hurt.)

So make your choice!

I think that's the most evil I've seen Malcolm look so far.

I'm voting for Ruby. A true villain always knows how to play both sides against the middle. Which in this case I guess would be himself.

OW OW OW THAT BURNS

How about a Final Fantasy VII joke, then? My vote goes to Ruby. Weapon.

Well, it was just a silly little joke, so it's not like I mind. Hell, post a picture of Ruby from Lunar 2 to vote RUBY if you like. Actually, that may be a bit too obscure... But as long as I can figure out which one you mean, it's cool.

My hand on a heated burner.

I half-wonder what I'd do if that "option" got lots of "votes"... I didn't expect anybody to pick it, to be honest...

You'd think you'd never done a poll on the internet before.

Ruby, it is the meal of choice for Titans.

oh god my hand

why did I do that

Well I did advise not doing that, since it'd hurt...