And Knowing is Half the Battle! Lets Play G.I.Joe!

Snake Eyes and Duke.

1) Grid Iron seems to be your favorite, and 2) screw you buddy, so 3) leave him behind.

Yes I'm getting you back for voting shitty guys into my Suikoparty. But now that I think about it I can't remember if you personally ever did that? If you didn't, please refer to point #2 above.

Take Krin and Sansuke.

Oh wait, this is GI Joe! Rock N Roll and the Dukester.

Yeah... actually I was the guy who usually ended up asking you to take the good guys.

And Grid's not my favorite, he's just who everyone ends up voting for. I respect his ability to punch helicopters out of the air, though.

Snake-Eyes and Duke won by a landslide. Good for them.

Mission Five: Casa De Crashers

Inside Casa De Destro
Destro: Well, General, you were a surprisingly easy man to capture.
Hawk: Yeah, well, I am full of surprises.
Destro: I am impressed by your cavalier attitude toward the whole matter, I must admit. Anyway, any moment now 3 of the 5 members of the G.I. Joe team you’ve been sending to each of our bases will arrive. Unlike the other Base Commanders, I am expecting them, and have acceptable countermeasures set up. At least one of which I’m quite sure will come as a surprise.
Hawk: One problem with your plan, you tin-headed ninny.
Destro: What’s that?
Hawk: My men all hate me for being a egotistical bastard. They’d NEVER risk their lives to save me. Hell, they wouldn’t even risk losing a good table at McDonalds to save me.
Iron Grenadier: Lord Destro, Sir, we have confirmation of a G.I. Joe craft about 3 kilometers away from our base. They’re deployed three soldiers.
Hawk: The ONE time I wanted them to be insubordinate.






MISSION START!



So here we are, in the Desert, ready for an assault on the penultimate Cobra Base, with nothing but a Taciturn Ninja, All-American Pretty Boy and a guy who talks only in song titles when I can think of one to use.

You’d think the odds would be against me, but honestly, the Desert area is quite possibly the easiest section of the game. Cheap boss deaths aside.



Part of what makes it so easy is the fact that, Rock & Roll aside, all the Joes start off with a nearly maximum life bar and Level 2 or 3 Weapons. At that level, Duke’s rifle can fill the screen with large, oval lasers and Snake-Eyes’ hadokens are able to surpass Rock & Rolls cannons. Consequently, Rock is the least suitable Joe to take on this mission.



As with any decent Sand Level, there are heaps of powerful enemies concealed in the dunes, lots of them. Luckily, between Snake’s massive life bar, and his very sharp sword, they don’t pose much of a threat.



“= O” yelps Snake-Eyes as a helicopter appears overhead. Colliding with its rotor on his way down form a jump into the low-stratosphere deals the ninja a couple points of damage. Let it not be said that Ninja are less then hearty.

I’m unsure of what vehicle this thing is. If anyone knows for sure, feel free to speak up.



Soon the helicopter thingy parks, and in this spot, none of its cannons can hit Snake-Eyes, luckily, Snake doesn’t have the same problem with his grenades.



Soon the copter is destroyed and the team proceeds on its merry little way.

“Hell of a thing to send after three people, a helicopter” says Duke amid the wreckage. Snake-Eyes shrugged, unsheathed his sword, and continued along his way.



The rest of the Castles outskirts are comparatively uneventful, a few more sand-buried Iron Grenadiers, a few more crazy jumping Iron Grenadiers. Soon the level ends.

Cobra Desert Bus B.U.G.G.

Just outside Casa De Destro, a massive transport pulls up, seemingly out of nowhere, turns around and opens fire with its staggering variety of weapons.
“We are the Secto-Vipers!” cry the machines 4 pilots, “We will shoot you up!”

Usually I use a bit more flavor text then that, but there’s not really a whole heck of a lot to say about the BUGG. It’s a large bus, it’s got a heap of guns, and it tries to shoot you. Not really a whole heck of a lot of characterization.

Each segment of the BUGG attacks one at a time, and each has a pretty easy to avoid attack.

Fun Fact about the BUGG: I really wanted one of these for Christmas, but I didn’t get it.



Duke quickly takes over, since his massive gun spread means I don’t even have to aim to ensure that at least half the bullets will hit something.



“Wooooah nuts!” cries the Secto-Viper in the rear gun pod, as it explodes.

The second part is a hatch that opens and closes, while periodically shooting. It’s also really easy to blow up.



“Sheeeeeeeee-Oops!” cries the second Secto-Viper, possibly trying to exclaim several statements simultaneously.

Part 3 is another gun pod, and part 4 is the defenseless pilot.



“Yeargh-nerts!” and “Oooooh Nooooo!” cry out the third and fourth Vipers as Duke washes them with large rings. And so, the transport explodes harmlessly and the Joe team advances toward the Casa

“Do we even know who they were?” asked Duke “That last guy looked kind of familiar”.
“His name was Rio, he danced on the sand. Just like that river, twisting through the dusty land”

“Thanks Rock”

Inside the Castle
Destro: Oh… they managed to enter my castle alive, didn’t see that coming. I mean, I sent a helicopter and a heavily armed bus against them.
Hawk: Piffle, if I was there a bus and helicopter wouldn’t break my stride. Heck, one time, Me, stalker and Flash singlehandedly stopped a race of super-evolved humans created by a hyper-intelligent ape.
Destro: You did no such thing.
Hawk: Oh like you were there.
pause
Destro: Could someone take this annoying man away from me.
Hawk: Ahh, you’re just jealous that you didn’t fight any super-apes.
Destro: Put him in the room with no furniture. He annoys me greatly.



Iron Grenadier: My lord, is there any real reason why you just spoke in the third person?
Destro: I’ve developed a taste for the theatrical. I blame it on spending time with the Cobra Commander.

MISSION START!



All right, a quick run down of the important information: 800 Seconds to plant 7 explosives, and bases don’t get much larger then Casa de Destro, and besides the massive size of the base, it’s LOADED with hidden paths that are the only way to traverse the level.

The place is also loaded with Vipers, Grenadiers, Ninja’s, BATs, Dreadnoks and gun turrets. All that would be a problem if it weren’t for the fact that Duke and Snake-Eyes were pretty much at maximum power. Also, this is about the only level of the game where the enemies don’t almost guarantee you taking damage.

Length aside, this is quite possibly the easiest base in the game due to the enemies. Crazy, I know.



“Hey, should we really be priming this base for demolition if General Hawk if we’re still on a rescue mission?” asked Duke, “It would probably work better if we at least waited until after we had retrieved Hawk? Or at least confirmed he was still alive?”

Snake Eyes shut him up with a disarming look, picked up his sword and went to work on the base itself.



Luckily the first Check isn’t too far from the entrance; it is, however, blocked by an immaterial wall that would have stumped any other Joe. Walls that extend into the foreground are no match for Ninja-Tracking skills.



There we are, 15% of the way through the base, with 770 seconds left to go. Way to go Snake.



Of course, one bomb isn’t enough to level Casa de Destro. So Snake Eyes journeys on, tracking down the next Check point.



The second Checkpoint is found… somewhere nearby presumably, since the timer only went down about 15 seconds. I’d be a bit more specific, but honestly, the Base is colossal and maze like, so it’s more then a little difficult to give specific directions.



I like Destro’s color scheme though, purple on silver, it looks nice. I’m a little curious as to why Destro put his logo all over the place, it would probably work better outside the entrance, or by the Gift Shop or something.



And there’s Check Three, somewhere in the infinite halls that extended from where I was rambling about the logo.

Oh, the third one was in the top right corner of the map. That’s handy. Considerably more handy is that beneath the false floor is a Buzzboar. While the level itself is easy enough to traverse, having a super-powerful cannon and three free hits is welcome in any situation.



Of course, having the Buzzboar makes it a lot easier to get to the hard-to-reach Checkpoints. You can also see the level exit on the right.







I also found Check 5 and 6, but there were no intermittent screens, so I’m not entirely sure where I found it. But they was definitely somewhere.



The seventh and final check point is somewhere close to the exit. You may have noticed that there’s only one bar on the Buzzboars life bar missing.

Again, the enemies in Casa de Destro are really accommodating, particularly when you can hit them while dangling from the ceiling.




Here we are, the final check point. Now to amble on out of the base and face down the boss!



Hmph, the boss chamber is surprisingly bleak and featureless, except for the destructible walls. The ceiling is too high to jump up to, but the walls can be torn down and climbed upon.



All right, near the top of the chamber, and I see the first bit of the boss. It looks like it has a snake tail though, and I don’t know of anyone in G.I. Joe who is half snake. Well, one guy, but there’s no way that it would be…

Wait, what the hell? Surprise Boss: Golobulous!

The mad cackle of Burgess Meridith filled the chamber, as the God-Emperor of Cobra-La descended from the ceiling.

“Hello again, G.I. Joe, I’m sure you are surprised to see me.”
“Golobulous? What are you doing here?” asked, well, gestured, Snake Eyes.

“I am drawn to wherever Cobra is drawn to utter victory. Soon you shall fall, and then I shall be able to fill the world with enough mutation spores to turn all of humanity into the shellfish and insects they truly LONG to be!”

Duke spoke up, “No, I think he meant ‘what are you doing here’ in the sense that you live in the arctic, and this castle is in the middle of the Sahara Desert.

“Err… yes, well, the cold air doesn’t sit well with me in my advanced age. I am well into my 5000’s, now.”

“Well, in any case, I haven’t seen you since your son threw a python through my chest.”

“Technically, Serpentor wasn’t my son, I just came up with idea of creating him. It was only my most brilliant idea in my millennia of life.”

“The… best idea in all your life was a guy in a snake costume?”

“You DARE question the infinite wisdom of the lord of Cobra-La? This blasphemy will not stand! COME! All Organisms of Cobra-La! Come forth and defend your Master! Tear this scum asunder!”

There was a long pause, during which time absolutely nothing happened. Rock & Roll coughed, and tried to think of a decent musical reference, but couldn’t.

“So… isn’t something supposed to happen you yell like that?” asked Duke.

“Well, all the organisms of Cobra-La are at the North Pole, and, as you just said, we’re quite a ways from it right now. Give them a few hours to get here.”

“Why don’t we just fight you now, then? Before they get here?”

“Well… I’d rather not, honestly” stammered Golobulous.

Fun Fact about Golobulous: According to a trading card written by Larry Hama, Golobulous died in an avalanche immediately after the movie. And in a G.I. Joe vs. Transformers comic, Optimus Prime smashes him flat. Nobody likes Golobulous.



Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the absolute easiest boss fight in the game. The Sea Ray fired a lot of missiles and could be potentially hard to dodge, the BUGG managed to hit me once or twice with stray fire, even the Fang required me to at least move around and dodge.

With Golobulous… I just had to stand still and throw grenades. None of his attacks could reach me, and I was too low to take any collision damage.



Eight seconds, EIGHT GOL-DARN SECONDS elapsed between starting to hit Golobulous and his exploding into that blue flame that all the bosses burst into.

Pah-thet-ick
“No, Pythona, and Nemesis Enforcer, I shall never see your gross, veiny, inside-out body or smiles again, respectively.”





THANKS MEN, I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON THE JOE TEAM FOR MY RESCUE. I'LL MEET YOU BACK AT HEADQUARTERS, I HAVE SOME VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION SO HURRY AND DEFEAT DESTRO!!!

Duke: General Hawk, sir, was… was it only Golobulous who was guarding you?
Hawk: Pretty much, yeah. There were a couple of Vipers too.
Duke: We didn’t see anyone outside your cell.
Snake Eyes: …
Hawk: Damn right, son. Now get out of my way, you jerkasses are cramping my style. You go on and beat the stuffing out of that metal headed, heathen baboon.

Cobra-lalalalala!

I totally forgot about those guys from Cobrala. I adored that movie in my youth.
So is Destro the last boss? Wheres Cobra Commander?

That is Destro's Dominator. One of the few vehicles from my childhood I still have!

And people hate on Cobra-La (probably for good reason), but I'd love to see an updated Golobulous in the new line.

Inside the Castle Control Room
Iron Grenadier: Lord Destro, I have some bad news.
Destro: Did the G.I. Joe team plant enough explosives to level this fortress, kill Golobulous and rescue the general?
Iron Grenadier: How did you know, sir?
Destro: Pattern recognition. As for Golobulous, the fewer leaders Cobra has, the less turmoil they’re in, the less turmoil, the easier the time they have ordering weapons from me. The more they order from me, the more money I make.
Iron Grenadier: You’re not upset at the loss of your fortress?
Destro: I was expecting some organization or another to come in and level all the bases Cobra has me design, so I usually just skimp on the materials. They’re designed to be blown apart. Nevertheless, they did drop in unannounced, so I suppose it is only proper to give them a proper send off. Order all remaining troops to cover the escape route, and prepare my chariot and gun-sword.
Iron Grenadier: You… have a gun sword, sir?
Destro: The commander commissioned it. I thought it was stupid too.



MISSION START!



All right, the Escape route from Casa De Destro is filled with a tremendous amount of enemies (as the first shot illustrates), it’s also loaded with pits and it’s a bit longer then most of the other escape routes too.

Luckily, as with the previous levels in Casa De Destro, the enemy placement is actually pretty competent and forgiving, so it’s mostly a matter of getting into the right spot.

Snake Eyes takes command in this mission since the boss is likely to take a HEAP of shots to go down, and he has infinite ammo. Plus having incredible jumping skills is nice for all the platforming that is required.



Also, as previously mentioned, at their maximum power, Snake’s Hadokens are impressively powerful, despite being the weakest weapon, otherwise.

Having fully upgraded characters ROCKS!



Destro was also kind enough to load the place with more upgrades and assorted power-ups, he doesn’t even do a good job of hiding them. He’s the most accommodating illegal arms merchant there ever was.

Theoretically, I could give all these upgrades to Rock and Roll to at least make his cannons comparable to the rest of the teams, but nope.

Nope, I’m using these to get Duke up to full power too.



Rock takes over near the end, being tired of just being carried along by the Ninja and Duke.

Of course, he only comes out for the last screen of the level, so he still doesn’t exactly carry his own weight. Pitiful level one weapons don’t help either.

And so the Joe Team reaches the exit of Casa de Destro, back into the sunny sands of the desert. And, unsurprisingly, a boss battle as well:

Impossibly Cool Dude: Destro


“It’s about time, you got here” says Destro, as Rock & Roll enters the sun-baked desert, “I have grown tired of waiting. I must comment that you’ve managed to irk me, however. You did manage to slaughter most of my personal guard, and you’re moments from blowing up my castle. On the other hand, you’ve done me a considerable benefit by having removed Golobulous, so I thank you for one third of what you’ve accomplished here today, and curse you for the other 2”.

“Two out of three ain’t bad” said Rock.

“Nevertheless, I am contracted to Cobra, and they’re quite interested in your swift, agonizing death. And, as it would happen, I have several of my most recent devices for them on my person at this moment.”

“Oh… that’s nice”

“No it’s really not. Not for you, in any case. Let’s us battle as we are want to”




Fun Fact about Destro: Destro is awesome, and is my favorite member of Cobra who is not voiced by Chris Latta.



Destro is, theoretically, the toughest boss in the game. Just not at this exact moment though. He rides about in his chariot, periodically swooping down. Collision Damage isn’t much of a danger, since he moves slowly enough that you can easily avoid wherever he’s going to land.



The problem is that when Destro lands, he swings his sword and unleashes a downright RIDICULOUS quantity of bullets from it… somehow. I’ll just chalk the fact that his sword shoots bullets to the fact that he’s a weapon designer, and probably has a garage full of things like that.



As I said, the battle against Destro isn’t particularly dangerous. His craft is slow, and if you’re positioned correctly, his Sword-Gun can be dodged easily. He may not ever fire it toward you at all. Nevertheless, Rock and Roll took a few too many hits, and rather then risking him dying, and my having to restart the boss fight from scratch, I decided to let Duke take over.



After filling that small aircraft full of holes, it finally explodes triumphantly. I expect fanfare and Mission complete music any second now-



Wha? Destro’s getting away?



Yep, the fights only half over (and knowing is half the battle). Remember when I said that Destro is theoretically the toughest boss fight? This is the part I was referring to.

Destro soars over the landscape, periodically dropping low to unleash big lasers from his sword (the sword shoots lasers too?) This wouldn’t be TOO big a problem, since the lasers are slow and obvious enough to make them easy to dodge, and Destro mostly sticks to the right side of the screen, so collision damage isn’t a problem.

No, what makes the fight so hard is the fact that you’re constantly running forward at a high speed, and this section is LOUSY with pitfalls. One easily mistimed jump, and you’re dead and have to restart the entire fight over again.

I may be forgiven for using Save States for this section, as otherwise I would have thrown my computer out a window.



Eventually, after many shots to the face, and many, MANY reloads, Destro Falls.

Rather more spectacularly then most other bosses. He explodes like crazy here, rather then just catching fire and collapsing.

Incidentally, you’re still running after he blows up, and it takes a few seconds for him to fade completely, so it’s still quite possible to fall down a pit and restart the fight.

“I’m a little surprised that Destro died so quietly” said Duke, standing above his enemies exploded remains, “most of the operatives go at length when we kill them. Long after they should have, in any rate.”

Suddenly, a radio burst to life from behind Duke “Touching, but rest assured, I’m still quite alive”.

“Destro? Wha?”

“Oh please, Duke, my castle is somewhere in Scotland, not the Sahara Desert, I had that place built out of silly putty and paper mache’. The Destro you fought was just a rather convincing synthezoid I had created in a fit of boredom. Now you all get going beforeyou die in the explosion you just created. Without you, Cobra won’t have anyone to fight, which means they may stop paying to give them things to kill you. And that’s bad for business.”





I’m kind of disappointed by this, to be honest. A sizable chunk of the Amazon Rainforest exploding is fine, New Yorks sewer system bursting with geysers of flame is also fine (though unnecessary), reducing The Black Hills to rubble is a tad excessive, but still quite a spectacle.

Casa de Destro just gets a tiny little “poof” and that’s it.



YOOOOOO JOE!


At G.I. Joe Headquarters
Mainframe: General Hawk, sir! You’re alive?
Hawk: Don’t sound so disappointed, Nancy. I’ve been in tougher spots then that, specifically like when I was sent to that evil alternate past and was held captive in one of Bad President Roosevelt’s POW camps, with nothing to do all day but get shivved by a large man by name of Pete Best.
Mainframe: Sir?
Hawk: The point is that Destro’s castle had better coffee then we do. That guy took care of his hostages. Anyhow, get the team on the horn, I got to gab with them.


THANKS MEN, I REALLY OWE YOU FOR THAT ONE! ANYWAY, WHILE I WAS BEING HELD PRISONER, I OVERHEARD A FEW VIPERS DISCUSSING THEIR LATEST ORDERS, AND THEY MENTIONED THE LOCATION OF THE BASE WHERE COBRA COMMANDER IS HIDING OUT! THIS IS GOING TO BE OUR TOUGHEST MISSION YET, SO I'LL LEAD THE TEAM. WISH US LUCK, WE JUST MIGHT EARN OUR WAGES THIS TIME! YO JOE!!!!

Mainframe: Sir, you’re aware that if you’re leading the mission, the rest of the team is superfluous at best.
Hawk: Shut your craw-hole, wimpy.

All righty ladies and germs, this is it, the final mission, one level, and one alone, to infiltrate and demolish the Terrordrome. Hawk is the team leader, and as just said, he’s better then every other Joe put together.

Neverthelessm the question is posed:
Who is going to tag along and watch General Hawk wreck stuff?

Snake Eyes and Rock&Roll. If you're going to break into the Cobra Commander's base, you're going to need a ninja and a guy with a big-ass gun.

Blizzard and Rock and Roll. Maybe Blizzard'll man up and learn a thing or two.

Blizzard and Rock & Roll. As you said, they should be redundant anyway, so why not?

I think it would be fitting for Grid Iron to deal the final blow.

Blizzard and Rock and Roll, it is. I really wish it was Duke and Snake again, they would have made this easier.

Mission 6: In Xanadu did Cobra Commander, a Stately Terrordrome decree!



Just to show Hawks stats. He has the highest jump (though, honestly, it’s just because of his jetpack), the strongest punch (stronger then even the grand Punch of Kill Everything), the most health (longer then Meatshield McBlizzards) and the second strongest weapon.

I TOLD you Hawk is great.



In the Terrordrome

Televiper: Commander, sir! We have an incoming transmission from Destro.
Cobra Commander: Exsssellent, he no doubt destroyed the G.I. Joessss that demolished out other basssesss.
Televiper: Actually, sir, it seems that Destro failed, and his castle was leveled.
Cobra Commander: Oh… well…
Televiper: And it seems the G.I. Joes rescued General Hawk.
Cobra Commander: Ahhh…
Televiper: And they killed Golobulous
Cobra Commander: Well, that’s not too bad.
Televiper: And they discovered where the Terrordrome is, and have just landed.
Cobra Commander: What?
Televiper: And it seems that General Hawk himself is leading the assault on the island.
Cobra Commander: Oh my god, my entire life flashed before my eyes, just now.
Televiper: It was a pleasure serving with you sir.



FINAL MISSION START!



The Terrordrome is just the base level, itself. No escaping, no level that immediately precedes the base, just the base. There are 8 bombs to plant, and 900 seconds to place them.

You need every damn one of those seconds.

The Terrordrome is HUGE, easily the largest of all Cobra Bases, and loaded with about as many false and destructible walls as Casa de Destro. Unlike the Castle, however, the enemy placement is right back to being obnoxious and filled with difficult-to-impossible to dodge enemies.



Hawk called over to Blizzard, “Yo, Meatshield”.
“Sir?”
“It occurs to me that there are a LOT of Vipers and robots and ninjas and stuff. Go soak up those hits for me”
“But, General Hawk, you have a longer life bar then me. Why don’t you go ahead?”
“Because I’m more valuable then you, dummy”.



Conveniently, the first Check is about 3 feet from the entrance. One down, 7 to go.



More “Probably-Not-Storm-Shadow-But-I’m-Still-Going-to-Pretend” Ninja’s stalk the halls. This WOULD be dangerous if there wasn’t a wall right there.



And ESPECIALLY if Blizzards gun couldn’t shoot through walls.



And there’s Check 2 right behind the unfortunate Ninja.



The Level Exit is in the upper left corner of the Terrordrome, but of course it’s nothing but a fancy sign on the wall until we plant the rest of those bombs.

There is, however, a poorly hidden Buzzboar and the third Check, which are nice consolation prizes.

Of course, we need to take the long way around to reach that check. Luckily, the Boar is there to make travelling FUN!



Three bombs planted. Good job, you snowy wuss!




Err… these two shots were what immediately followed the previous one, so I can’t recall where I went, exactly. But hey, 4 checks, now we’re halfway there and still have nearly 10 minutes on the clock.



The Pogo-Walker was lost to the constant assault brought forth by the Dreadnoks who are everywhere nearby. You can also see the next two Checks nearby.



The top one is easier to reach, due mainly to Hawks jetpack. So that’s the one that gets planted.



The lower check needs some fancy wall gripper-y to reach, but not too fancy.





The next check is found not too far from the previous two, just down a small conveyor and past a heap of Vipers.



Specifically, right here. You can’t tell, but you can jump down through part of the floor here, and blow up the wall next to it.

All right, 7 bombs planted, one to go, then we fight the big man himself.



The only hitherto unexplored region of the Terrordrome is the lower right corner, so, by God, that’s where we’re headed.



Our trepidation is rewarded with the eighth and final check mark. Now to gently head back to the exact opposite side of the base.



“All right, good job monkey, I’ll take over now”
“Oh thank you sir. I won’t forget this”
“Yeah, well, I’d need you at full health for the boss fight anyway. You’ve got a long life of throwing yourself in front of danger for me, ahead of you”.
“Yay?”



Hawks jetpack makes climbing the final ascent pretty easy. Enemies are still plentiful and dangerous, but his Punch-of-Kill-Everything-Better is up to the task.


And there’s the exit. Through this door lies the games final boss.

I’m scared, are you scared?


Cobra Commander: Cobra Commander

“Welcome to the Cobra Arena of Ssssport, G.I. Joe! Please, don’t hurt me too badly!” screeches the voice of Cobra Commander.”

“You snake-faced, metal plated jerkass, what are you even playing at with this?”

“With what, General? Please don’t hurt me!”

“This whole base thing, I mean, they weren’t really doing anything, you just set up bases in arbitrary locations then gave the people in charge of said bases ill defined objectives. It really calls your leadership into question. Well… moreso.”

“And this is from a guy who knows a thing or two about bad leadership” said Blizzard.

“Shut-up Meatshield”

“My name is Blizzard, sir”

“No, I’ve jhust changed your codename to Meatshield. You’re now in the exclusive “taking hits so the good team members don’t have to” platoon. You should be honored.”

“Thank you, sir?”

The Commander grew impatient. “Enough of your empty jabber! I’ve got a mobile throne, a lasssser full of Dragonfire energy, a moving ssssidewalk and a sssseemingly limitlessssssss ssssupply of grenadesss. We shall see who is the sssnake-facssed, metal-plated jerkasss!”

“Still you”

Fun Fact about Cobra Commander: Based on his armor design, and the fact that he turns from snake into human, this game must take place during the DIC cartoon. BOO!

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBB

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


The Commander is probably the single toughest fight of the game, mainly due to the sheer amount of things you have to pay attention to.
The Commander himself is constantly moving and has a relatively small area where he’s vulnerable and he’s also constantly chucking grenades with a wide explosive radius. Individually, those wouldn’t be too great a danger, but the laser on the right side of the chamber is brimming with Dragonfire Energy, which changes whoever gets hit by it into a newt. Whhile a newt, your health contsantly drains, your jumping is limited, and you can’t attack. Being a newt sucks. =(. The floor is also constantly moving, presenting either deadly pitfalls, or electic grids pretty frequently.

And, as per most of the games bosses, Cobra Commander takes an ASSLOAD of hits to kill.

Not that he doesn’t go down, mind.



Rather then bursting into flame, like most bosses, or going coo-coo-crazy with eplosives like Destro… the Commander just drops down through the floor and the room explodes. Kind of anticlimactic, really.

“Gah, My insssidiousss plansss! Ruined! You’ll pay for thisss G.I. Joe! You may have dessstroyed my main basses, and all the lesssssser ones I had built, but there’sss ssstill the Atlantisss Factor to take into account!”

“Atlantis Factor?” asked Blizzard.

“Porbbaly just a sequel hook, Meatshield”

“Could you maybe stop calling me Meatshield, sir?”

“I’M the general, I decide the codenames. And geez, you’ve already had more screen time and lines then poor Rock and Roll, haven’t you?”

Rock sniffed, “I’m the invisible man”.





And that’s about it for the Terrordrome. And the island upon which it was built.

Man, the Joes don’t really give a crap about collateral damage, do they?



CONGLATUNATION!


LOVING PEOPLE OF THE EARTH.

THE END!
~Or IS it?~



Yeah, there’s technically a second quest. The second quest is the same as the first quest, except you only get to take one extra Joe instead of 2, and the Checks are moved around a bit.

There’s also a THIRD quest which is the same as the second except enemies do twice as much damage.

I’m calling it a day here, though.

In the Town Skate-Park
Little Billy: Hey, Bobby, Sally! Look at this cool mushroom I found!
Bobby: COOL!
Sally: It looks like a polyp!
Bobby: Hey, Little Billy, I dare you to put your face right into it and inhale!
Little Billy: You’re on!
Hawk: Not so fast, you juvenile delinquents!
Sally: Wow! General Hawk!
Hawk: That’s what my momma calls me. That’s no ordinary mushroom, that’s a Mutation Spore from the arctic kingdom of Cobra-La, you smell that thing and you’re going to turn all gross and buggy.
Bobby: Gosh, I had no idea! Is there a cure for being all gross and buggy Mr. Hawk?
Hawk: General, son. I’m a General. Not a Mister.
Bobby: Sorry sir.
Hawk: You friggin’ better be. Otherwise, I have friends in high places. We could get your ass drafted at a young age, if I wanted to. And yes, there is a cure. But a high dosage of Dragonfire Energy is a bit hard to come by in this day and age. And if you think you can just get that from the Mayo Clinic, you’ve got another thing coming.
Little Billy : Now I know!
Everyone: And KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE!

~*~The End~*~

Awesome, congrats on finishing!

Hooray!

Octoprime always picks the weirdest games! MINESWEEPER NEXT LAWL.

That's honestly kind of tempting...

But I've got my sights set on something else. Something... ATROCIOUS!

Looks like Rock and Roll was no help at all on the last mission.

So your 4th LP is over, man you are a screenshot taking machine.

He softened up Cobra Commander a bit.

I would have gotten more screens of the last boss, but I was focused too intently on doding the Commanders many, many attack to mash-go on the space bar.

Conglaturation!

Yeah, this was interesting to read. I've always wanted to play this game.

You should continue the toy theme and do something like Monster In My Pocket next.

Doin' Hydlide next, actually, but a good idea is a good idea.

Action games are a pain in the arse when playing with a keyboard, though.